Aquí no hay quien viva (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 4 - Érase un rumor - full transcript
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Right, only another half hour and I'll go get a drink
Emilio
Oh how are you, Doña Marisa?
Drop-dead gorgeous. Listen, the TV signal's getting bad
Go up on the roof and see what's wrong with the antenna
Yes, I'll go up right away, ok?
You're not going to the party, Natalia
Well I'm not talking to you then!
that girl's impossible!
Give me a hand with the bags, come on
Right away, Señora Paloma
Good afternoon!
Emilio, the lift's not working!
It is working, it's just that the door's open down here
Valentin, no! Not here!
Not again! That dog always pisses in the hall!
Right, well I won't take him out now
Hey Emilio, clean that up, for God’s sake
At once
Hey, the circulars go in the letter boxes!
Jose Miguel, don't play with that ball here
Juan, the bags, the bags!
Oh by the way Emilio, someone's coming to read the meter tomorrow at 8
But I don't start work till 9
Well, you'll just have to get up earlier
You, wipe your feet!
Clean it up yourself. That's why you get paid even though you're a drop out
Fuck man, you could have shut the door! It's not like you’ve got anything else to do
Hey, where's Filipina Street?
How the fuck do I know? Buy yourself a map!
Hey, this isn't going up
Why did you put that sign up?
Seriously, I can't take any more of this!
Every day's always the same
I couldn't imagine it when I moved to this place
All I was looking for was a bit of peace and quiet
And I wake up every day in the middle of a riot
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone
The house is falling down about my feet
The caretaker's nowhere to be seen
The neighbours are always spying on me
I can't take this place
Put together and give a good shake
to a volcano and an earthquake
and you'll get this staircase
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone
The rumour
Alicia, dinner's ready!
What was that?
I made steamed vegetables and plum chicken
What's wrong? If you don't you like that, I could always make you an omelette
No, I'm just touched. It's the first time I’ve ever seen this table laid
Is that our table cloth?
No, I bought it this morning
Hey, you haven't got a brother, have you?
Yeah but he's married
That doesn't matter, give me his number
Here comes the breadwinner!
Shut up, I can barely move
So, you've been hard at it with your manager, have you?
No, you idiot, I've pulled a muscle in my back
That sounds like lumbago
Like what?
Nothing, don't worry about it
Look, lie down and I'll make you a hot water bottle
And while I’m at it, I think I'll call a friend of mine who's a doctor
What's all that?
Nuria did it
You don't say
She's perfect, right?
Do you think she might have a brother for me?
No, she's an only child
Yes Mum but how come you never tell me when you're gonna come?
Try this, please
Yeah, of course we can have dinner together but...
but why don't we meet in a restaurant?
Tell Dad to be quiet, I can't hear you
It's gonna get cold. Don’t moan that it's bland afterwards
I don't get why you're nagging me about seeing the flat. It’s just your average flat
Hey, it's not just your average flat! Don’t talk about our flat like that!
Alright, fine, we'll have dinner here, but on Saturday, ok?
No! On Saturday we've got an engagement
Well take a taxi!
But why should I have to go to your hotel?
Mum, it's just a taxi. They won’t try and cheat you, they just do that to the Japanese
Right, bye, take care
So your parents are coming, are they?
Right, well I'll hide my photos and go to the cinema
Mauri, don't worry I'll tell them
Tell them what?
That we're a couple, and that I'm gay
You're gonna tell them?
But what am I gonna wear?
Mauri
What?
The neighbour's watching us
Let's break apart naturally, ok?
How's it hanging, man?
Alright, Señora?
Yeah, I'm just learning to put 2 and 2 together, boys
Come on Concha, let's go find zebra crossings to piss off all the drivers
No, no, I'm staying here. Do I look ill to you?
Yeah, same as always
You won't believe the night I had with them upstairs
They came back in at 5 in the morning and they had men with them too
They must have been their friends
Yeah or clients!
What do you mean clients?
That they're whores
Come on, we don't know what they do for a living
They go out and come back in at all hours
They dress, well you've seen how they dress
And on top of that, all they do is bring men up
You love to think the worst of people, don’t you?
Hello, good morning
Good morning
He was here yesterday
He stays for a while and then goes
Relax, girl, or it'll hurt more
Picture the countryside
Tell me first, ok? Tell me
Right, ok, that's it
Your back shouldn't be in so much pain now
Yeah, my butt's in so much pain that I can't even remember the lumbago anymore
What a shame
What a bitch
It's over now
Right then, same time tomorrow?
Can't we do it a bit later?
It's just that I've arranged with my wife to take the kids to the cinema
Right. You've worn me out, you know
Don't exaggerate. I'll be here tomorrow at 8 on the dot, ok?
Ok
Bye
Bye, have a good afternoon
Bye
Look, someone's going away happy!
And he's married too!
That's why he comes!
Those two have turned my house into a brothel!
Oh, so they’ve refurbished it, have they?
You should ask them to cut you in and be their Madam
I'm gonna see the President about this right now
They're what?
The 2 girls upstairs?
Yes
I'm President of the community and I didn't know anything about it
Well what do you expect? A sign next to their intercom saying prostitutes?
Juan, don't believe a word of it
Your problem is you can't stand those girls and you wanna kick them out
Well, I think I'll call the police
No, no, let's not get the police involved
We all agree that this is a respectable building and we're not going to allow any depravity here
but we haven't got any proof
Exactly! You're just three bores with nothing better to do than stick your nose into other people's business
Like you then!
Juan, she's being rude to me!
Look the only thing I would ask of you is please be discreet and don't go telling everybody about it
We know what you're like
Danny, man, wait till you hear this, the 2 girl upstairs are sluts!
Hey, you, leave that phone alone
Ok, don't get your knickers in a twist
What! You're grounded! Grounded!
Roberto!
Roberto, it's me, Nuria
Nuria, wow! What are you doing here?
I've just moved in across the hall
Wow, what a coincidence
No, it's not a coincidence
So, how are things with you? Are you still with that girl you left me for?
What was her name?
Lucia
That's it, Lucia
The 2 of you are living together here, right?
It looks like you're serious about each other
Well we've been together 3 years now
How about that? We'd been together 3 years too
Remember that last week when you were dating us both? And you didn't tell us about it?
What a naughty boy! I bet she still doesn't know though, right?
Errm, well I'd better be off, ok?
I had a baby
Really? Congratulations
A boy. He's yours.
I wanted to tell you but you wouldn't answer my calls
Look, his name's Nacho
After the Mexican restaurant where you left me
Fuck
Thank God we didn't break up in a Chinese restaurant
Or you'd have named him Chop Suey
Hang on, though, are you sure...
No, silly. That's my nephew
That was a good one, you had me there
Listen, I'm gonna run down the stairs to get the blood circulating in my body again
Right, I'll see you around, ok?
Yeah, you'll be seeing a lot of me
Because you don't know it yet but you still love me
But don't worry, I'll open your eyes
Juan, those ladies aren't right in the head
Now they've got it in for those poor girls upstairs
I hate to think what they say about us! I bet they rip us to shreds, the fools
I'm not saying they're right, Paloma, but it's a very serious matter
A brothel in this building...we can’t have that
Sure, but what I don’t get is how there can be men who resort to those professionals
when they've got wives at home
Me neither, sweetheart
No, sweetheart, no
I'm tired, Juan, you always leave it to last thing at night
That's true, you're right, I hadn't noticed the time, sorry
You know that my time is at afternoon tea. You can do what you want with me then
Whatever you want, honey
Where are you going?
To the bathroom
What for?
To brush my teeth
Oh! Don't be long
Yeah, ok give me the address of the audition
Yeah. Hey, what's it for? Not another advertisement?
Because what I wanna do is be in a TV series, not advertise ham
Hello, good morning
And how much are they paying?
Just 400 euros!
Yeah, that's what they always say but then it takes them longer than that
Who's the client?
Oh yeah, I've done stuff with him before
Be quiet!
Right, what should I wear?
Ok, great, bye
A job
That's great
See you later
Bye
Juan
What?
We need them out of here!
Who was she talking to? Her pimp?
Jose Miguel, for God's sake, what kind of language is that!
This boy never knows when to keep his mouth shut
Like his dad. Because he doesn't get it from his mum
But what do your parents like, Fernando?
cos I could make couscous but what if they're a bit traditional?
No. They're not traditional. Make whatever you want
It's just that if I make rice and they don't come on time, it'll be ruined
By the way, when are you gonna tell them? Cos I might have a heart attack
I don't know, Mauri, I haven't thought about it
Well, think about it! Cos if you tell them in the middle of the dinner and they get angry, I won't bother making dessert
Stop going on about my parents, please
Come on, I was only asking you since they're coming over...
What's wrong?
I can't breathe
What do you mean you can't breathe? Don't scare me! Emilio!
What's up?
He can't breathe
Seriously, you lot call me for every little thing, don't you?
Leave me, leave me for a second
He's very pale. He looks like Casper
But you're sweating and your pulse is a thousand
Oh my God, we're losing him!
Emilio, call an ambulance please
No, no, don't worry, I should be alright in a minute
What are you talking about?
I'm really squeamish, I can't stand the sight of blood
But there isn't any blood!
Yeah but if I fall over, there will be!
I'm better now
I really don't know what came over me
Relax, relax
Let's go home
No harm done
Ok, come on
No harm done!
The shit those 2 dicks just put me through!
I'm gonna lie down and see if I feel any better
Oh fuck, what dickheads
Don't keep thinking about it. It was a panic attack
Yeah, I've had so much stress at work lately
No, it's not because of that, it's because of the dinner with your parents
Fernando, you're not ready to tell them
I want you to come out of the closet but alive
Come on, you can them another time, ok?
Yeah but if I don't tell them, we're gonna have a problem
I'll just have to put up with it, that's all
cos I told them I live with my girlfriend
Ok, so we are gonna have a problem
But why...no, let's not go there
What sort of person tells...forget it
Well, tell them she's had to make a trip somewhere and problem solved
Yeah but she's already been on loads of trips
her niece has had her communion, her sister's been married
she's had liposuction, her grandparents have died
nothing else can happen to her
She sounds like the main character in a soap opera
What am I supposed to do then? Put on a wig and some high heels
Maybe skip the high heels
Now's just the time when I ought to strangle you
but I'm supposed to be doing yoga for a reason
Hey, listen, what about...I'm just throwing out ideas here
That girl, Alicia, the neighbour
If we ask her, maybe she'll agree to pretend to be my girlfriend
Just while my parents are here
What do you reckon?
Brilliant. A minute ago you were gonna introduce your gay boyfriend to your parents
and now it turns out that my gay boyfriend has a girlfriend cos he told his parents he was straight
Lovely!
But it'll only be for a little while
And what am I supposed to do then? Get in the cage with the rabbit
Weren't you gonna go to the cinema?
Besides, you still haven't asked Alicia. Maybe, she'll say no
Sure! I'd be happy to
But why do you have to tell your parents that you've got a girlfriend?
Well, they get really annoying and go on about me getting old, and settling down and giving them grandkids
I've taken your piece, Alicia
So what time tomorrow then?
Erm, I don't know, shall we say 9?
Ok. Oh, what should I wear?
I don't know. To give you a bit of an idea, you work in the lawyer's office....
Am I a waitress?
No, you're a lawyer. Oh, and wear something classy, a bit old school
She hasn't got anything like that
Don't worry, I can lend you whatever you want
Come upstairs! Him from the first floor's been up there for a while now
But aren't they gay?
How do I know? This is a disgrace!
That's true. We're the only ones not getting any action
Listen, thanks a lot, you're really helping me out
My pleasure. That's what friends are for
See you tomorrow
Hello
Hello
That didn't take him long, did it?
About average, sweetheart
He's gonna introduce me to his parents
He's gonna introduce you to his parents cos he hasn't got the balls to tell them he's gay
But why are you so jealous?
That guy's gay?
Come off it!
He's gay and he's gonna carry on being gay
I don't know what the deal is with that, but when they go to the other side, they don't come back
That's true you know
Hi honey
Hi
This is Nuria, the new neighbour from across the hall
Hi
Nice to meet you
I was just telling Lucia how nice your house is
Green's my favourite colour
Look
Hey, weren't we gonna go to the cinema?
Yeah. Do you wanna come with us?
No! No...I've only got 2 tickets
Don't worry, we'll be seeing each other all the time
I'm so jealous of you!
You know, my boyfriend left me a while ago
Sorry to hear that
But I reckon we're gonna get back together
because we made a really good couple
Well, if he finished it, he must have had his reasons, don't you think?
No, people make mistakes, maybe he's regretting it now
Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. We don’t know. This is all just speculation
He's dating someone else now but I don’t think he's happy
Sure, I bet he still loves you
No, I don't see that. You're giving her advice without knowing the facts
Love ends and when it ends, that's it
No, it doesn't end, Roberto.
Anyway, you keep believing, and you've got the solution: go get him!
That sounds like harassment...anyway, we're gonna be late for the film. Come on
Ok, you two, I'll love you and leave you
Ok
Don't worry, everything will work out fine
and you know I'm here if you need anything
Same here. I love sharing
See you later
That's great, don't you think? At least we've got some nice neighbours opposite us
Lucia, you let anyone come in the house! One of these days you'll end up fighting
What did you talk about?
I don't know, a bit of everything
What's wrong with you?
No, it's just overnice people like her give me bad vibes. Like the clown in McDonalds.
You've just got it in for all the neighbours, that's what it is
Well I'm gonna get my shoes, and if it doesn't give you a bad vibe, we can go to the cinema!
Yeah
Well? Was I right or was I right?
Yes Señora, you were right
Come on, have you all lost your minds or what? You can't be serious!
Hey, you didn't hear what Juan and I heard
With no shame and in front of the boy
They charge 400 euros for their services
No shit, that's what I get for my pension
And what a playstation and a few games cost
This neighbourhood's going to the dogs
Armando, we need to go up there together
Why? Do they give discounts to groups or what?
Sure. No, to talk with them
But hold on, what have they done to you? Let them do what they want!
That would suit you, wouldn't it? Just because you've got money to burn
Juan!
By the way, can you prove all of what you're saying?
Belen's receiving a client tonight at 8
Who are you, her secretary?
Ok, she got's a client, so what?
The only place where you can see anything would be from the new couple's flat
Fuck!
They're not in
They're not in and it's ten to 8
We're gonna miss it
Hey, doesn't Emilio have a key for this flat?
Emilio!
What?
What are you doing?
I was trying to remember a phone number but it won't come to me
We need the key to 3A
What for?
Because we need it!
Señor Cuesta, I can't give you that
As the caretaker of this building, I've got a duty towards all the neighbours
When a resident gives me their key, for me that's sacred!
We think the girls in 3B are prostitutes
Let's go upstairs
Hang on a second, what about if the new ones come back?
Someone will have to stay here and keep watch
Great idea, you stay
No because then I might miss it
Well hard cheese
Come on, give me the keys, let's get upstairs
Listen Vicenta, if you see Roberto and Lucia coming, call me on my mobile
But how am I gonna call you if that's your phone?
No, my wife's phone
Oh, so is that your wife's phone?
No, that's my one. Call me on this one
If you see them coming back, press 1 and then yes, the green one
So 1, yes, and green
No, yes and the green button are the same. You need to press 1 and then yes
Leave it Señor Juan, they'll be back by the time she gets it, come on
Good evening
Hello, good evening
He's the one
Are you going up?
No, no, you go up
Hello, good evening
She charges 400 euros and receives him in a tracksuit!
Well people wear tracksuits a lot nowadays
Fuck, look how nice they've left this, mandarin-green
This is how I wanted to paint the caretaker’s office
Hey, switch off the light!
Here you go, I didn't pay you yesterday. There, charge me for 2
Hang on, let me see if I've got change
Right, let's see
No, this one
Right
Ok, be gentle, ok
Relax
We're the lookout, Valentin
Hello?
No, Juan's not here. I'm his neighbour, he left me his phone
Who's calling? His mum?
Alright!
Hi
Don't you wanna take the lift?
No, no
How wonderful to meet you, we thought you'd passed away
you know, because you're so frail and we hadn't seen you round here for a while
Oh Señora, I've got to hang up
1, yes and green
Insert pin?
Pin
Señor Cuesta?
Wow, another 400 euros! In 3 months, these girls will have their own pad in Marbella
Belen charges 400 euros?
Yeah
Fuck, prices have gone through the roof! Bloody euro!
Well what do you want me to tell you? To me it's as clear as day
Well not to me. Maybe he's a friend and he owed her money
Look, this is a respectable building and I'm not going to allow the moral corruption
of all the values that we take such pains to instill in our children
Having said that, I should add that we don't have any conclusive evidence
I've just had a thought. Maybe if one of us pretends to be a client, they could get proof
You're not doing it, Juan! Let Armando go, I bet he's used to this kind of thing
My son doesn’t go to those places!
Well, someone's gonna have to go!
Ok, if I have to take one for the community, I'll do it
but you'll pay me for this, right?
Sure, on top of all that, we're gonna have to foot the bill!
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear....happy birthday to you
Whose birthday?
Would you mind telling me what all these people are doing in my house?
Well?
Answer the intercom
Hello?
They're on their way up!
If that's Vicenta, tell her she doesn't need to bring up the cake anymore
Err yeah, we've already got one here for you
Natalia, I'm going to take the rubbish out and check the oil levels in the car
What are you telling me for?
Tell your mother when she comes out of the bathroom
I'm not talking to her
Well write her a note! I'll be right back
There's another one going upstairs!
Mum! Leave the peephole alone, it's bad for your eyes
Of course, he won't gonna kick them out because he's a client
Juan as well? Wow, what an idiot that President is
What do you expect? Look what he's married to
Hello
Are you busy?
No, I was watching TV
I know this is a bit awkward, but do you have a few minutes for me?
Yeah, sure, come in
What's wrong? Are you feeling unwell?
No, it's nothing, just a bit of back trouble
Oh. What shall I do? Should I sit down?
Of course, take a seat
I'm a bit nervous, you know, because I'm not used to this kind of thing
Well, actually, I just want to talk
Talk?
It's just that I've got a problem with my wife in the bedroom
Oh! Right, well...
You girls have got a lot of experience with men
Well, that's more Alicia really. I'm more of a theoriser
What's the best position to make the woman get an orgasm?
Good question. I'd say it's a case of trial and error
Right, so you think I should move around
Yes, but I think your wife is the person you should discuss it with, don't you?
With Paloma? No! I'd rather discuss it with you
Hey, and what about the G spot?
What about it?
Where is it? Because I can't find it
Well, I reckon it's in the head
Of course! That's why she goes to the hair salon so often
No, no, I mean it's psychological
It's just that I read that men have it too
That's right, but you’re not gonna like where it is
Well, I've got to go
I feel very comfortable but I don't want Paloma to get any suspicions, you know
Right, well it's been really err....interesting
It's true what they say about you
You know how to listen to a man
Take it, please
But...
Please, I can't afford to pay any more but you've earned every penny
It's been a pleasure, thanks
Ooh sorry
Hello, good evening
Good evening, bye.
What's the President of the community doing here?
Well he came in, told me he's been having problems in the bedroom with his wife
gave me 100 euros, and left us his rubbish bag
What do you make of that?
I don't know, it's kinda weird, right?
Yeah...I don't get it
Fuck Nuria, how did you get in here?
Your keys are in the caretaker's office
Look, please leave right now! Lucia could come back at any time
I don't think she'll be coming back
What have you done to her?
Nothing. But she won't be back for another hour
Don't smoke in here!
What do you want from me? An apology?
Alright, I'm sorry
No, give me a kiss
Come on, give me a kiss and we'll forget all about it
Ok
Done
No, that's not enough
Hey, come on, this isn't funny, get outta here
Oh really? Well, I'm having a great time
By the way, you'll never guess what I’ve done
What?
I put some of my panties in Lucia's drawer
I'm sure she'll recognise them straight away
The question is will you recognise them?
These ones ring a bell
so do these
I gave her those
These ones aren't familiar. Or these or these
Fuck! She's got loads, what does she need so many for?
Alright!
Oh, hey what's up?
What are you doing?
Tidying up your drawers, Lucia. They're in a right old mess
When you live with someone, you've got to respect some rules, you know
Fuck, we haven't got a cleaning woman
Alright, alright!
Thanks a lot
Well when you're done tidying mine, do yours!
Right, sure, I'll do that
I'm sure they're these ones
Loads of things about this situation hack me off but the one that hacks me off the most by far
is I'm the one cooking the dinner and your fake girlfriend's the one who'll get all the credit
Hey, if you want, it's not too late to call it all off
Go on then, call it all off!
No, it'll be a mess. My parents must already be on their way over
I can't live in your world, Fernando. I just can't
Oh, it's 8 o'clock, I think now's a good time, don't you?
For what?
For you to get ready to go the cinema, right?
No, I'll stay in the bedroom and read
Right, and when my mum wants to see the bedroom, who am I supposed to say you are? A teddy bear?
Isn't she allergic to cats? Well, tell her you've got 3
I'm not leaving you here on your own with her from upstairs. No fucking way!
What's wrong? Don't you trust me?
You? No. And her, even less
Look who it is! Your girlfriend
Don't be bitchy to her, she's helping us out
Bitchy, moi! But I'm the perfect host
Ali Macbil, the lawyer. How's this?
Fuck, you look great
I've brought you some pictures for the living room
And I got you this little one for your wallet
If you want you can keep it afterwards
I also brought clothes for the washing line
Slippers to wear inside
Some notes for the fridge
A box of tampons for the bathroom
And Legends of the Fall and An Officer and a Gentleman
Very professional
I really like to prepare for the part, you know
Listen, we met 3 years ago. I was your boss and you fell for me
Love at first sight. 2 months later we moved in together
We wanna get married but we can't find the right venue
We wanna have 2 kids, Adriana and Gael
And we're really into yoga and documentaries about whales. What do you think?
Good
What are your parents' names?
Enrique and Monse
Oh, one more thing, we'll have to kiss at some point, right?
What was that?
Felix, the cat
Oh, we've got a cat then?
00:31:00,500 --> 00:31:03,000
Wow, the table looks lovely
Would you like me to help you find a film?
No thanks
Hey
Hi
Well? Did you find my panties?
Yeah, I found them and threw them away
Really? You did well there then because I didn't put any in the drawer
What are you looking at?
Listen, is there any remote possibility of you leaving me in peace once and for all?
Yeah, if you sleep with me
Ok, anything easier than that?
Yeah, you could tell Lucia you were dating us both at the same time and see how she takes it
Hey, don't do this to me, please, I'm in love
I was in love too 3 years ago
Look, you've got 24 hours to decide
Here's my number
See you later
Are you letting her take the film just like that?
She's gone now. Anyway, she can do whatever she wants, she's so hot
No, she's a fucking nutcase
Oh, so maybe I could have a chance with her
You'd make a good couple actually
Where are you going? This is number 21
Excuse me, where's Fernando and his girlfriend's flat?
Fernando and his girlfriend! That's a good one
1B
Thank you
No worries, see you later
Fuck it's late, I'd better go get changed
Sweetheart, your parents are here
"Sweetheart, your parents are here." Clown!
Hi Mum
Son!
Have you put on weight?
Fuck, this place was hard to find!
Hey, how come there's a junkie in the hallway?
No, that's the caretaker
What a neighbourhood!
Right, let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Lorena
Hello
Ah you look so pretty
Thank you
Nice to meet you
Would you like something to drink?
White wine for me and a sherry for my husband
Hey, what colour have you painted this? Is it grey?
I like it. The living room's spacious. Where's the kitchen?
This is the kitchen
Oh, very modern
Everything together like this
What's that?
It's a singer, Mum
Oh sure, Camilo Sesto
Fernando darling, what have you done with the glasses?
They're in front of you, honey
Well then, what have you made for us for dinner?
For dinner? What is there for dinner?
Well, errm this is a mash...mashed potato, and the other one's meat with sauce
Vichysoise and duck magret with mandarine and mango, you idiot!
Vichysoise and duck magret with mandarine and mango
That's it
She's so modest
This guy's taking forever. What's he playing at?
Wow!
I'm ready now
God, you look divine
Very handsome, Emilio. Now go and consummate
Well I prefer this uniform
Here you go, Emilio. 400 euros from funds set aside for the community
Emilio, tell her not to bother with the receipt so we can save on VAT
Yeah, get her to knock the price down or something
and give us a special price for neighbours
Hang on. That money mustn't be spent
Why's that?
Because when he asks them to attend him and they say yes, then we can kick them out
Emilio doesn't need to do anything!
No, sorry Doña Paloma, things either need to be done properly or not done at all
There needs to be conclusive evidence
If it wasn’t for her dress, who would have believed Monica Lewinsky? No-one
Yeah, he's right there
Ok, come on, upstairs everyone!
You first, my good Sir
Look at that stud!
Come on, show a bit of respect
Look Lucia, this is the deal. I dated both of you for a week. So what?
I didn't tell you cos I didn't wanna hurt you
You don't like it? Well you'll have to learn to live with it! That's all
She's gonna kill me for sure
There's no fucking way I can tell her
Hi honey
Lucia!
What?
The neighbour's crazy
Which one? Because there are so many
Nuria, the girl opposite. She's harassing me
Look Roberto, your problem is as soon a girl looks at you, you think she wants to sleep with you
No! She's obsessed! She moved here because of me
Honey, I love you lots but you're not Brad Pitt
No, of course I'm not. I'm Michael Douglas and she's Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction
You know what I'm talking about? You've seen it! The thing with the knives
Yeah
She's been putting it about that she was my girlfriend!
Roberto, look, you spend a lot of time at home drawing
And maybe the smell of the marker pens has affected you
What? You don't believe me?
No!
Right then, I'll call her
I bet she'll come running right over
You don't know what this nut job's like
Fuck, I'm nervous
It's been too long since the last time
Hi
Who are you dressed up as?
Sorry, is Alicia in?
No, she's gone down to the first floor to do Fernando a favour
Oh alright, I'll come back another time then
I'm back!
What do you want, Emilio?
Err can I come in for a while for a bit of a chat?
Another one? But what's got in to all of you?
Well we're very lonely, Belen
Ok, come in
But just for a while, ok? I'm very busy
Sure, I understand. It's the weekend so you must be very busy
People don't go to the cinema anymore
Well, what are we gonna do?
I don’t know, Emilio. You tell me
Err I don't know. Let’s have a few beers and loosen up a bit!
Are you gonna give me a hundred euros too?
I've got 200 euros for you
I don't get any of this but I'm gonna make a killing
She's hot as well, damn it! Yes she is!
Mmm this is delicious
Well, I went a bit mad with the salt
Watch it, sometimes I go a bit mad with my hand too
How are things in Mallorca?
Great. You'll have to come and visit us some time
Any time. We'd love to
What's wrong with those cats?
It's just that one of them's in heat
Well Lorena, what cases are you working on now?
Fernando told me you specialise in ecological crimes
My dad's a lawyer as well, you see
Oh, great
Ecological crimes
Well it's a case that's...that's very interesting
because errm it's about a zookeeper who was cleaning out the otter's pool
and he slipped and fell over
and he was really unlucky and got his foot caught in the panda's cage
and it bit him. It took off 3 of his toes. Ate them, I mean
But don't pandas eat bamboo?
Yeah but...he had bamboo in his shoes
and he also put nail polish on his toe nails to stop himself biting them
and the panda got an infection and died
So the zookeeper used to bite his toe nails?
Yeah because he used to be a contortionist in the circus at the zoo
But anyway, the thing is, the panda is a protected species so the zoo have sued the zookeeper
and the zookeeper's suing the nail polish brand
for not putting in the leaflet that it's lethal for pandas
It's a very complex case. Haven't you read about it in the papers?
No
Well I'll go get the dessert
Fernando, she's an excellent lawyer
You can't understand a word she says
I'll give you the beer in the bottle because otherwise I'm gonna have to wash...
What are you doing, you pervert!
What are you gonna do to me for 200 euros?
What am I gonna do to you!
Just who do you think you are!
That's no way to treat a client!
Client my arse! Get out of here, come on, out!
But isn't this a brothel?
Brothel! Are you calling me a whore, Emilio?
But you're a hooker, aren't you?
How dare you! That's disgusting! Out! Get out of my house!
Señor Cuesta, they're not hookers, damn it!
What do you mean?
Emilio, cover yourself please
Well I've already called the police
You've done what!
What are we gonna tell them now?
Calm down, it's no big deal, maybe they won't even come
Police! What's going on here?
What a mess!
Hey, she's here
Quick, hide and listen
Wait, wait
What?
Take this just in case
Roberto, don't you think you're going a bit too far?
No. This is like something out of the movies
Right, a sci-fi film
Hi, you called me, right?
Yeah, come in
Right, let's get down to it
Down to what?
What do you mean? Come on, get your clothes off
If this is your idea of a joke, it's not funny at all. You've got a girlfriend!
Don't pretend to be frigid with me now! Come on, get those trousers off
But what's this about? Are you having problems with Lucia or what? Leave me alone
No, I'm having problems with you cos you're off your nut!
Look, you're scaring me. Maybe I'd better be going
What, no! Kiss me right now
No, I don't want to! Leave me alone!
Kiss me right now!
Roberto please! Lucia!
What are you doing? Leave her alone
Yeah right, leave her alone! She's been stalking me for 3 days!
Come on, it's written in your face
Come on, you're dying for it, aren't you?
Leave her alone
What's up with him?
I don't know. He's been strange this last month since we moved here
No, I'm not crazy. She's the only crazy one round here
because she hasn't got over me dumping her
What was that?
We'd been dating for 3 years
That's a lie
What do you mean it's a lie?
What pisses you off is that I was dating you both and in the end I chose her
See! It wasn't that hard to tell your girlfriend, was it then?
I'm so sorry Lucia but the way he dumped me was so horrible that I had to get my own back
I hope you'll be very happy together
Oh and don't worry, tomorrow I'll go back to my house
I've got a beautiful penthouse in the city centre
Bye
I told you
Well, that's it sorted, right? You're not angry, are you?
No, come off it! Not at all!
Where did I put the knife?
One at a time please! Don't all talk at the same time or we won't understand anything
Come on, show a bit of respect for the police constable
Like who is this individual for a start?
Me? The caretaker
And do you usually walk nude around the building?
Juan Cuesta, President of the community
I can clear all this up in 2 words. This is just A MISUNDERSTANDING
No, it's not a misunderstanding at all! These people don’t have lives of their own
so they spend their time making up lives for everyone else
and they thought it would be nice to put it about that my flatmate and I are prostitutes
But do you have any proof of that?
Do you want to press charges?
Definitely
Come on, there's no need for that!
Come with me to the police station please
Wait a second, Constable. We only believed that because these ladies told us it was true
There were men coming and going
They're both sluts, Constable
Take it from me, I'm their landlady
Can you show me your rental agreement?
What agreement? She hasn't given us any agreement
Right, you come with us as well then, please. We'll take your statement
Are you arresting me? Son!
What do you expect, Mum? What did you call them for?
I must stress that we're getting things out of proportion. This is just a misunderstanding
You'd better keep quiet! He came to my house yesterday and offered me 100 euros!
You too, Señor Cuesta?
But what’s this girl saying?
No, no! As President I declare that in no moment did I have the slightest physical contact with this young lady
That's just what Bill Clinton said and look at what came out about him
Oh Juan, I think I'm gonna cry
Ok, you get in the car too
Sweetheart, don't say anything about this to the kids, ok? This is a terrible mistake
We should have brought the van
Excuse me, Constable. Is my husband going to be back home for dinner?
I don't know Señora! Make something cold
Juan! Juan!
Don't worry, Paloma!
He'll be back tomorrow, don't worry
It's our fault. You can't accuse people of things without proof
What are you talking about? It happens every day in the House of Commons and nobody makes problems
Well that's true
But what am I gonna do tonight? I can't sleep without my husband
You can come and sleep with me in my room, Doña Paloma
I'm not sleeping with you in your room! My husband will kill me!
Fernando, this girl's perfect. She's pretty, smart, she's got a good job
and it's clear she loves you
There's nothing she hasn’t got
Yes there is, a dick
I'm so happy. We'll have to come again
Of course, for the wedding
Are you gonna tie the knot?
How come you haven't told me anything about it?
Err...because we wanted it to be a surprise
How wonderful! Because it's not that I disapprove of this situation but...
No she does disapprove of it. Some journey we had
but it's much better to be married
She's just getting started
Can you excuse me for a second? I'll be right back
Hey, if you like, I could dig out my dress for you. It might fit you
because I had the same kind of figure as yours
Oh really?
Yes!
How's it going?
Shit
I don't know what I’m doing here. I'm like one of those people in Un dos tres
Don't worry, everything's going really well. My parents are thrilled
They're the only ones!
Come on, give me a kiss
Sorry
Fuck!
Weren't you going to the bathroom, Enrique?
No, actually I'll wait till we get back to the hotel
Are you alright?
Not great really
It's just I don't usually have dinner, you know
Do you want to lie down in the bed for a bit?
No, no. Right, look, we'd better be going
Do you want me to take you?
No, I think we'd rather take a walk, ok?
But I’m wearing high heels!
Dad, are you sure you're alright?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Bye
It was the news about the wedding. Your father gets an upset stomach when he's excited
Well, we'll be seeing you then
It was a pleasure, sweetheart
Enrique, wait for me!
What a shame, right? We were having such a good time
It's just that I don't know why you had to lie to me
Because I thought you were gonna take it badly
You know, the fact I was dating someone else at the start of our relationship...
Well I had a boyfriend as well when I met you
Really?
Yeah. It's normal to have doubts at the beginning, don't you think?
I found it really hard to decide too
How long?
It's just that you were so different
How long?
Oh I don’t know...a month
A month! Mine was only a week!
Who was he?
What does it matter? You don't know him
It wasn't Carlos, was it?
Oh you do know him then!
How do you know him?
But why didn't you tell me?
One-all
It's my fault, I should have told them directly
Who knows how I'm gonna explain this now!
Relax, Fernando. Look on the bright side
What bright side?
I don't know, I'm looking for it
My mum could have a heart attack when she finds out about this
Call your dad and tell him to wait until they're on the plane
so they can give the poor woman oxygen
That's not funny
Yeah but...
Hello
Fernando, your dad
Dad?
Can I come in for a minute?
Yeah, I was just going...
No, no, stay
I wanted to talk to you earlier
You're gay, right?
Yes
Me too
And me
Come on Dad!
I've been attracted to men for years
But I'm married and I've got a family
But I want you to know that I support you and understand you
Hold on a second! Does mum know anything about this?
Are you crazy or what?
So how am I going to explain it to her then?
That's your problem. Don't get me mixed up in your mess
I’ve gotta run because I'm gonna miss the plane, ok?
Oh, and if you're in Palma, I act on Thursdays at 11 and 1 in the Las Vegas Cabaret
My name's Felony
Bye
I'm not introducing you to my parents, they'll seem a right pain in the arse to you
Felony?
Felony? I love it as an artistic name
Paco! Paquito!
What's up, man?
Check it out! Look what I bought myself
How much was it?
400 euros
From a little job I did. Do you like it?
It's cool, man. But have you got a licence to drive this thing?
You don't need a licence. Come on, lock up and jump on the back, I'll take you for a spin
Ok man. Don't worry, no-one ever comes in anyway
Hold on cos this thing's got 125 horse power
But do you know how to use all the controls?
Sure I do. Lean when we go round the bends. I've seen it on TV and it works a treat
Here we go, ok? And we're off!
Right, only another half hour and I'll go get a drink
Emilio
Oh how are you, Doña Marisa?
Drop-dead gorgeous. Listen, the TV signal's getting bad
Go up on the roof and see what's wrong with the antenna
Yes, I'll go up right away, ok?
You're not going to the party, Natalia
Well I'm not talking to you then!
that girl's impossible!
Give me a hand with the bags, come on
Right away, Señora Paloma
Good afternoon!
Emilio, the lift's not working!
It is working, it's just that the door's open down here
Valentin, no! Not here!
Not again! That dog always pisses in the hall!
Right, well I won't take him out now
Hey Emilio, clean that up, for God’s sake
At once
Hey, the circulars go in the letter boxes!
Jose Miguel, don't play with that ball here
Juan, the bags, the bags!
Oh by the way Emilio, someone's coming to read the meter tomorrow at 8
But I don't start work till 9
Well, you'll just have to get up earlier
You, wipe your feet!
Clean it up yourself. That's why you get paid even though you're a drop out
Fuck man, you could have shut the door! It's not like you’ve got anything else to do
Hey, where's Filipina Street?
How the fuck do I know? Buy yourself a map!
Hey, this isn't going up
Why did you put that sign up?
Seriously, I can't take any more of this!
Every day's always the same
I couldn't imagine it when I moved to this place
All I was looking for was a bit of peace and quiet
And I wake up every day in the middle of a riot
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone
The house is falling down about my feet
The caretaker's nowhere to be seen
The neighbours are always spying on me
I can't take this place
Put together and give a good shake
to a volcano and an earthquake
and you'll get this staircase
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone
The rumour
Alicia, dinner's ready!
What was that?
I made steamed vegetables and plum chicken
What's wrong? If you don't you like that, I could always make you an omelette
No, I'm just touched. It's the first time I’ve ever seen this table laid
Is that our table cloth?
No, I bought it this morning
Hey, you haven't got a brother, have you?
Yeah but he's married
That doesn't matter, give me his number
Here comes the breadwinner!
Shut up, I can barely move
So, you've been hard at it with your manager, have you?
No, you idiot, I've pulled a muscle in my back
That sounds like lumbago
Like what?
Nothing, don't worry about it
Look, lie down and I'll make you a hot water bottle
And while I’m at it, I think I'll call a friend of mine who's a doctor
What's all that?
Nuria did it
You don't say
She's perfect, right?
Do you think she might have a brother for me?
No, she's an only child
Yes Mum but how come you never tell me when you're gonna come?
Try this, please
Yeah, of course we can have dinner together but...
but why don't we meet in a restaurant?
Tell Dad to be quiet, I can't hear you
It's gonna get cold. Don’t moan that it's bland afterwards
I don't get why you're nagging me about seeing the flat. It’s just your average flat
Hey, it's not just your average flat! Don’t talk about our flat like that!
Alright, fine, we'll have dinner here, but on Saturday, ok?
No! On Saturday we've got an engagement
Well take a taxi!
But why should I have to go to your hotel?
Mum, it's just a taxi. They won’t try and cheat you, they just do that to the Japanese
Right, bye, take care
So your parents are coming, are they?
Right, well I'll hide my photos and go to the cinema
Mauri, don't worry I'll tell them
Tell them what?
That we're a couple, and that I'm gay
You're gonna tell them?
But what am I gonna wear?
Mauri
What?
The neighbour's watching us
Let's break apart naturally, ok?
How's it hanging, man?
Alright, Señora?
Yeah, I'm just learning to put 2 and 2 together, boys
Come on Concha, let's go find zebra crossings to piss off all the drivers
No, no, I'm staying here. Do I look ill to you?
Yeah, same as always
You won't believe the night I had with them upstairs
They came back in at 5 in the morning and they had men with them too
They must have been their friends
Yeah or clients!
What do you mean clients?
That they're whores
Come on, we don't know what they do for a living
They go out and come back in at all hours
They dress, well you've seen how they dress
And on top of that, all they do is bring men up
You love to think the worst of people, don’t you?
Hello, good morning
Good morning
He was here yesterday
He stays for a while and then goes
Relax, girl, or it'll hurt more
Picture the countryside
Tell me first, ok? Tell me
Right, ok, that's it
Your back shouldn't be in so much pain now
Yeah, my butt's in so much pain that I can't even remember the lumbago anymore
What a shame
What a bitch
It's over now
Right then, same time tomorrow?
Can't we do it a bit later?
It's just that I've arranged with my wife to take the kids to the cinema
Right. You've worn me out, you know
Don't exaggerate. I'll be here tomorrow at 8 on the dot, ok?
Ok
Bye
Bye, have a good afternoon
Bye
Look, someone's going away happy!
And he's married too!
That's why he comes!
Those two have turned my house into a brothel!
Oh, so they’ve refurbished it, have they?
You should ask them to cut you in and be their Madam
I'm gonna see the President about this right now
They're what?
The 2 girls upstairs?
Yes
I'm President of the community and I didn't know anything about it
Well what do you expect? A sign next to their intercom saying prostitutes?
Juan, don't believe a word of it
Your problem is you can't stand those girls and you wanna kick them out
Well, I think I'll call the police
No, no, let's not get the police involved
We all agree that this is a respectable building and we're not going to allow any depravity here
but we haven't got any proof
Exactly! You're just three bores with nothing better to do than stick your nose into other people's business
Like you then!
Juan, she's being rude to me!
Look the only thing I would ask of you is please be discreet and don't go telling everybody about it
We know what you're like
Danny, man, wait till you hear this, the 2 girl upstairs are sluts!
Hey, you, leave that phone alone
Ok, don't get your knickers in a twist
What! You're grounded! Grounded!
Roberto!
Roberto, it's me, Nuria
Nuria, wow! What are you doing here?
I've just moved in across the hall
Wow, what a coincidence
No, it's not a coincidence
So, how are things with you? Are you still with that girl you left me for?
What was her name?
Lucia
That's it, Lucia
The 2 of you are living together here, right?
It looks like you're serious about each other
Well we've been together 3 years now
How about that? We'd been together 3 years too
Remember that last week when you were dating us both? And you didn't tell us about it?
What a naughty boy! I bet she still doesn't know though, right?
Errm, well I'd better be off, ok?
I had a baby
Really? Congratulations
A boy. He's yours.
I wanted to tell you but you wouldn't answer my calls
Look, his name's Nacho
After the Mexican restaurant where you left me
Fuck
Thank God we didn't break up in a Chinese restaurant
Or you'd have named him Chop Suey
Hang on, though, are you sure...
No, silly. That's my nephew
That was a good one, you had me there
Listen, I'm gonna run down the stairs to get the blood circulating in my body again
Right, I'll see you around, ok?
Yeah, you'll be seeing a lot of me
Because you don't know it yet but you still love me
But don't worry, I'll open your eyes
Juan, those ladies aren't right in the head
Now they've got it in for those poor girls upstairs
I hate to think what they say about us! I bet they rip us to shreds, the fools
I'm not saying they're right, Paloma, but it's a very serious matter
A brothel in this building...we can’t have that
Sure, but what I don’t get is how there can be men who resort to those professionals
when they've got wives at home
Me neither, sweetheart
No, sweetheart, no
I'm tired, Juan, you always leave it to last thing at night
That's true, you're right, I hadn't noticed the time, sorry
You know that my time is at afternoon tea. You can do what you want with me then
Whatever you want, honey
Where are you going?
To the bathroom
What for?
To brush my teeth
Oh! Don't be long
Yeah, ok give me the address of the audition
Yeah. Hey, what's it for? Not another advertisement?
Because what I wanna do is be in a TV series, not advertise ham
Hello, good morning
And how much are they paying?
Just 400 euros!
Yeah, that's what they always say but then it takes them longer than that
Who's the client?
Oh yeah, I've done stuff with him before
Be quiet!
Right, what should I wear?
Ok, great, bye
A job
That's great
See you later
Bye
Juan
What?
We need them out of here!
Who was she talking to? Her pimp?
Jose Miguel, for God's sake, what kind of language is that!
This boy never knows when to keep his mouth shut
Like his dad. Because he doesn't get it from his mum
But what do your parents like, Fernando?
cos I could make couscous but what if they're a bit traditional?
No. They're not traditional. Make whatever you want
It's just that if I make rice and they don't come on time, it'll be ruined
By the way, when are you gonna tell them? Cos I might have a heart attack
I don't know, Mauri, I haven't thought about it
Well, think about it! Cos if you tell them in the middle of the dinner and they get angry, I won't bother making dessert
Stop going on about my parents, please
Come on, I was only asking you since they're coming over...
What's wrong?
I can't breathe
What do you mean you can't breathe? Don't scare me! Emilio!
What's up?
He can't breathe
Seriously, you lot call me for every little thing, don't you?
Leave me, leave me for a second
He's very pale. He looks like Casper
But you're sweating and your pulse is a thousand
Oh my God, we're losing him!
Emilio, call an ambulance please
No, no, don't worry, I should be alright in a minute
What are you talking about?
I'm really squeamish, I can't stand the sight of blood
But there isn't any blood!
Yeah but if I fall over, there will be!
I'm better now
I really don't know what came over me
Relax, relax
Let's go home
No harm done
Ok, come on
No harm done!
The shit those 2 dicks just put me through!
I'm gonna lie down and see if I feel any better
Oh fuck, what dickheads
Don't keep thinking about it. It was a panic attack
Yeah, I've had so much stress at work lately
No, it's not because of that, it's because of the dinner with your parents
Fernando, you're not ready to tell them
I want you to come out of the closet but alive
Come on, you can them another time, ok?
Yeah but if I don't tell them, we're gonna have a problem
I'll just have to put up with it, that's all
cos I told them I live with my girlfriend
Ok, so we are gonna have a problem
But why...no, let's not go there
What sort of person tells...forget it
Well, tell them she's had to make a trip somewhere and problem solved
Yeah but she's already been on loads of trips
her niece has had her communion, her sister's been married
she's had liposuction, her grandparents have died
nothing else can happen to her
She sounds like the main character in a soap opera
What am I supposed to do then? Put on a wig and some high heels
Maybe skip the high heels
Now's just the time when I ought to strangle you
but I'm supposed to be doing yoga for a reason
Hey, listen, what about...I'm just throwing out ideas here
That girl, Alicia, the neighbour
If we ask her, maybe she'll agree to pretend to be my girlfriend
Just while my parents are here
What do you reckon?
Brilliant. A minute ago you were gonna introduce your gay boyfriend to your parents
and now it turns out that my gay boyfriend has a girlfriend cos he told his parents he was straight
Lovely!
But it'll only be for a little while
And what am I supposed to do then? Get in the cage with the rabbit
Weren't you gonna go to the cinema?
Besides, you still haven't asked Alicia. Maybe, she'll say no
Sure! I'd be happy to
But why do you have to tell your parents that you've got a girlfriend?
Well, they get really annoying and go on about me getting old, and settling down and giving them grandkids
I've taken your piece, Alicia
So what time tomorrow then?
Erm, I don't know, shall we say 9?
Ok. Oh, what should I wear?
I don't know. To give you a bit of an idea, you work in the lawyer's office....
Am I a waitress?
No, you're a lawyer. Oh, and wear something classy, a bit old school
She hasn't got anything like that
Don't worry, I can lend you whatever you want
Come upstairs! Him from the first floor's been up there for a while now
But aren't they gay?
How do I know? This is a disgrace!
That's true. We're the only ones not getting any action
Listen, thanks a lot, you're really helping me out
My pleasure. That's what friends are for
See you tomorrow
Hello
Hello
That didn't take him long, did it?
About average, sweetheart
He's gonna introduce me to his parents
He's gonna introduce you to his parents cos he hasn't got the balls to tell them he's gay
But why are you so jealous?
That guy's gay?
Come off it!
He's gay and he's gonna carry on being gay
I don't know what the deal is with that, but when they go to the other side, they don't come back
That's true you know
Hi honey
Hi
This is Nuria, the new neighbour from across the hall
Hi
Nice to meet you
I was just telling Lucia how nice your house is
Green's my favourite colour
Look
Hey, weren't we gonna go to the cinema?
Yeah. Do you wanna come with us?
No! No...I've only got 2 tickets
Don't worry, we'll be seeing each other all the time
I'm so jealous of you!
You know, my boyfriend left me a while ago
Sorry to hear that
But I reckon we're gonna get back together
because we made a really good couple
Well, if he finished it, he must have had his reasons, don't you think?
No, people make mistakes, maybe he's regretting it now
Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. We don’t know. This is all just speculation
He's dating someone else now but I don’t think he's happy
Sure, I bet he still loves you
No, I don't see that. You're giving her advice without knowing the facts
Love ends and when it ends, that's it
No, it doesn't end, Roberto.
Anyway, you keep believing, and you've got the solution: go get him!
That sounds like harassment...anyway, we're gonna be late for the film. Come on
Ok, you two, I'll love you and leave you
Ok
Don't worry, everything will work out fine
and you know I'm here if you need anything
Same here. I love sharing
See you later
That's great, don't you think? At least we've got some nice neighbours opposite us
Lucia, you let anyone come in the house! One of these days you'll end up fighting
What did you talk about?
I don't know, a bit of everything
What's wrong with you?
No, it's just overnice people like her give me bad vibes. Like the clown in McDonalds.
You've just got it in for all the neighbours, that's what it is
Well I'm gonna get my shoes, and if it doesn't give you a bad vibe, we can go to the cinema!
Yeah
Well? Was I right or was I right?
Yes Señora, you were right
Come on, have you all lost your minds or what? You can't be serious!
Hey, you didn't hear what Juan and I heard
With no shame and in front of the boy
They charge 400 euros for their services
No shit, that's what I get for my pension
And what a playstation and a few games cost
This neighbourhood's going to the dogs
Armando, we need to go up there together
Why? Do they give discounts to groups or what?
Sure. No, to talk with them
But hold on, what have they done to you? Let them do what they want!
That would suit you, wouldn't it? Just because you've got money to burn
Juan!
By the way, can you prove all of what you're saying?
Belen's receiving a client tonight at 8
Who are you, her secretary?
Ok, she got's a client, so what?
The only place where you can see anything would be from the new couple's flat
Fuck!
They're not in
They're not in and it's ten to 8
We're gonna miss it
Hey, doesn't Emilio have a key for this flat?
Emilio!
What?
What are you doing?
I was trying to remember a phone number but it won't come to me
We need the key to 3A
What for?
Because we need it!
Señor Cuesta, I can't give you that
As the caretaker of this building, I've got a duty towards all the neighbours
When a resident gives me their key, for me that's sacred!
We think the girls in 3B are prostitutes
Let's go upstairs
Hang on a second, what about if the new ones come back?
Someone will have to stay here and keep watch
Great idea, you stay
No because then I might miss it
Well hard cheese
Come on, give me the keys, let's get upstairs
Listen Vicenta, if you see Roberto and Lucia coming, call me on my mobile
But how am I gonna call you if that's your phone?
No, my wife's phone
Oh, so is that your wife's phone?
No, that's my one. Call me on this one
If you see them coming back, press 1 and then yes, the green one
So 1, yes, and green
No, yes and the green button are the same. You need to press 1 and then yes
Leave it Señor Juan, they'll be back by the time she gets it, come on
Good evening
Hello, good evening
He's the one
Are you going up?
No, no, you go up
Hello, good evening
She charges 400 euros and receives him in a tracksuit!
Well people wear tracksuits a lot nowadays
Fuck, look how nice they've left this, mandarin-green
This is how I wanted to paint the caretaker’s office
Hey, switch off the light!
Here you go, I didn't pay you yesterday. There, charge me for 2
Hang on, let me see if I've got change
Right, let's see
No, this one
Right
Ok, be gentle, ok
Relax
We're the lookout, Valentin
Hello?
No, Juan's not here. I'm his neighbour, he left me his phone
Who's calling? His mum?
Alright!
Hi
Don't you wanna take the lift?
No, no
How wonderful to meet you, we thought you'd passed away
you know, because you're so frail and we hadn't seen you round here for a while
Oh Señora, I've got to hang up
1, yes and green
Insert pin?
Pin
Señor Cuesta?
Wow, another 400 euros! In 3 months, these girls will have their own pad in Marbella
Belen charges 400 euros?
Yeah
Fuck, prices have gone through the roof! Bloody euro!
Well what do you want me to tell you? To me it's as clear as day
Well not to me. Maybe he's a friend and he owed her money
Look, this is a respectable building and I'm not going to allow the moral corruption
of all the values that we take such pains to instill in our children
Having said that, I should add that we don't have any conclusive evidence
I've just had a thought. Maybe if one of us pretends to be a client, they could get proof
You're not doing it, Juan! Let Armando go, I bet he's used to this kind of thing
My son doesn’t go to those places!
Well, someone's gonna have to go!
Ok, if I have to take one for the community, I'll do it
but you'll pay me for this, right?
Sure, on top of all that, we're gonna have to foot the bill!
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear....happy birthday to you
Whose birthday?
Would you mind telling me what all these people are doing in my house?
Well?
Answer the intercom
Hello?
They're on their way up!
If that's Vicenta, tell her she doesn't need to bring up the cake anymore
Err yeah, we've already got one here for you
Natalia, I'm going to take the rubbish out and check the oil levels in the car
What are you telling me for?
Tell your mother when she comes out of the bathroom
I'm not talking to her
Well write her a note! I'll be right back
There's another one going upstairs!
Mum! Leave the peephole alone, it's bad for your eyes
Of course, he won't gonna kick them out because he's a client
Juan as well? Wow, what an idiot that President is
What do you expect? Look what he's married to
Hello
Are you busy?
No, I was watching TV
I know this is a bit awkward, but do you have a few minutes for me?
Yeah, sure, come in
What's wrong? Are you feeling unwell?
No, it's nothing, just a bit of back trouble
Oh. What shall I do? Should I sit down?
Of course, take a seat
I'm a bit nervous, you know, because I'm not used to this kind of thing
Well, actually, I just want to talk
Talk?
It's just that I've got a problem with my wife in the bedroom
Oh! Right, well...
You girls have got a lot of experience with men
Well, that's more Alicia really. I'm more of a theoriser
What's the best position to make the woman get an orgasm?
Good question. I'd say it's a case of trial and error
Right, so you think I should move around
Yes, but I think your wife is the person you should discuss it with, don't you?
With Paloma? No! I'd rather discuss it with you
Hey, and what about the G spot?
What about it?
Where is it? Because I can't find it
Well, I reckon it's in the head
Of course! That's why she goes to the hair salon so often
No, no, I mean it's psychological
It's just that I read that men have it too
That's right, but you’re not gonna like where it is
Well, I've got to go
I feel very comfortable but I don't want Paloma to get any suspicions, you know
Right, well it's been really err....interesting
It's true what they say about you
You know how to listen to a man
Take it, please
But...
Please, I can't afford to pay any more but you've earned every penny
It's been a pleasure, thanks
Ooh sorry
Hello, good evening
Good evening, bye.
What's the President of the community doing here?
Well he came in, told me he's been having problems in the bedroom with his wife
gave me 100 euros, and left us his rubbish bag
What do you make of that?
I don't know, it's kinda weird, right?
Yeah...I don't get it
Fuck Nuria, how did you get in here?
Your keys are in the caretaker's office
Look, please leave right now! Lucia could come back at any time
I don't think she'll be coming back
What have you done to her?
Nothing. But she won't be back for another hour
Don't smoke in here!
What do you want from me? An apology?
Alright, I'm sorry
No, give me a kiss
Come on, give me a kiss and we'll forget all about it
Ok
Done
No, that's not enough
Hey, come on, this isn't funny, get outta here
Oh really? Well, I'm having a great time
By the way, you'll never guess what I’ve done
What?
I put some of my panties in Lucia's drawer
I'm sure she'll recognise them straight away
The question is will you recognise them?
These ones ring a bell
so do these
I gave her those
These ones aren't familiar. Or these or these
Fuck! She's got loads, what does she need so many for?
Alright!
Oh, hey what's up?
What are you doing?
Tidying up your drawers, Lucia. They're in a right old mess
When you live with someone, you've got to respect some rules, you know
Fuck, we haven't got a cleaning woman
Alright, alright!
Thanks a lot
Well when you're done tidying mine, do yours!
Right, sure, I'll do that
I'm sure they're these ones
Loads of things about this situation hack me off but the one that hacks me off the most by far
is I'm the one cooking the dinner and your fake girlfriend's the one who'll get all the credit
Hey, if you want, it's not too late to call it all off
Go on then, call it all off!
No, it'll be a mess. My parents must already be on their way over
I can't live in your world, Fernando. I just can't
Oh, it's 8 o'clock, I think now's a good time, don't you?
For what?
For you to get ready to go the cinema, right?
No, I'll stay in the bedroom and read
Right, and when my mum wants to see the bedroom, who am I supposed to say you are? A teddy bear?
Isn't she allergic to cats? Well, tell her you've got 3
I'm not leaving you here on your own with her from upstairs. No fucking way!
What's wrong? Don't you trust me?
You? No. And her, even less
Look who it is! Your girlfriend
Don't be bitchy to her, she's helping us out
Bitchy, moi! But I'm the perfect host
Ali Macbil, the lawyer. How's this?
Fuck, you look great
I've brought you some pictures for the living room
And I got you this little one for your wallet
If you want you can keep it afterwards
I also brought clothes for the washing line
Slippers to wear inside
Some notes for the fridge
A box of tampons for the bathroom
And Legends of the Fall and An Officer and a Gentleman
Very professional
I really like to prepare for the part, you know
Listen, we met 3 years ago. I was your boss and you fell for me
Love at first sight. 2 months later we moved in together
We wanna get married but we can't find the right venue
We wanna have 2 kids, Adriana and Gael
And we're really into yoga and documentaries about whales. What do you think?
Good
What are your parents' names?
Enrique and Monse
Oh, one more thing, we'll have to kiss at some point, right?
What was that?
Felix, the cat
Oh, we've got a cat then?
00:31:00,500 --> 00:31:03,000
Wow, the table looks lovely
Would you like me to help you find a film?
No thanks
Hey
Hi
Well? Did you find my panties?
Yeah, I found them and threw them away
Really? You did well there then because I didn't put any in the drawer
What are you looking at?
Listen, is there any remote possibility of you leaving me in peace once and for all?
Yeah, if you sleep with me
Ok, anything easier than that?
Yeah, you could tell Lucia you were dating us both at the same time and see how she takes it
Hey, don't do this to me, please, I'm in love
I was in love too 3 years ago
Look, you've got 24 hours to decide
Here's my number
See you later
Are you letting her take the film just like that?
She's gone now. Anyway, she can do whatever she wants, she's so hot
No, she's a fucking nutcase
Oh, so maybe I could have a chance with her
You'd make a good couple actually
Where are you going? This is number 21
Excuse me, where's Fernando and his girlfriend's flat?
Fernando and his girlfriend! That's a good one
1B
Thank you
No worries, see you later
Fuck it's late, I'd better go get changed
Sweetheart, your parents are here
"Sweetheart, your parents are here." Clown!
Hi Mum
Son!
Have you put on weight?
Fuck, this place was hard to find!
Hey, how come there's a junkie in the hallway?
No, that's the caretaker
What a neighbourhood!
Right, let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Lorena
Hello
Ah you look so pretty
Thank you
Nice to meet you
Would you like something to drink?
White wine for me and a sherry for my husband
Hey, what colour have you painted this? Is it grey?
I like it. The living room's spacious. Where's the kitchen?
This is the kitchen
Oh, very modern
Everything together like this
What's that?
It's a singer, Mum
Oh sure, Camilo Sesto
Fernando darling, what have you done with the glasses?
They're in front of you, honey
Well then, what have you made for us for dinner?
For dinner? What is there for dinner?
Well, errm this is a mash...mashed potato, and the other one's meat with sauce
Vichysoise and duck magret with mandarine and mango, you idiot!
Vichysoise and duck magret with mandarine and mango
That's it
She's so modest
This guy's taking forever. What's he playing at?
Wow!
I'm ready now
God, you look divine
Very handsome, Emilio. Now go and consummate
Well I prefer this uniform
Here you go, Emilio. 400 euros from funds set aside for the community
Emilio, tell her not to bother with the receipt so we can save on VAT
Yeah, get her to knock the price down or something
and give us a special price for neighbours
Hang on. That money mustn't be spent
Why's that?
Because when he asks them to attend him and they say yes, then we can kick them out
Emilio doesn't need to do anything!
No, sorry Doña Paloma, things either need to be done properly or not done at all
There needs to be conclusive evidence
If it wasn’t for her dress, who would have believed Monica Lewinsky? No-one
Yeah, he's right there
Ok, come on, upstairs everyone!
You first, my good Sir
Look at that stud!
Come on, show a bit of respect
Look Lucia, this is the deal. I dated both of you for a week. So what?
I didn't tell you cos I didn't wanna hurt you
You don't like it? Well you'll have to learn to live with it! That's all
She's gonna kill me for sure
There's no fucking way I can tell her
Hi honey
Lucia!
What?
The neighbour's crazy
Which one? Because there are so many
Nuria, the girl opposite. She's harassing me
Look Roberto, your problem is as soon a girl looks at you, you think she wants to sleep with you
No! She's obsessed! She moved here because of me
Honey, I love you lots but you're not Brad Pitt
No, of course I'm not. I'm Michael Douglas and she's Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction
You know what I'm talking about? You've seen it! The thing with the knives
Yeah
She's been putting it about that she was my girlfriend!
Roberto, look, you spend a lot of time at home drawing
And maybe the smell of the marker pens has affected you
What? You don't believe me?
No!
Right then, I'll call her
I bet she'll come running right over
You don't know what this nut job's like
Fuck, I'm nervous
It's been too long since the last time
Hi
Who are you dressed up as?
Sorry, is Alicia in?
No, she's gone down to the first floor to do Fernando a favour
Oh alright, I'll come back another time then
I'm back!
What do you want, Emilio?
Err can I come in for a while for a bit of a chat?
Another one? But what's got in to all of you?
Well we're very lonely, Belen
Ok, come in
But just for a while, ok? I'm very busy
Sure, I understand. It's the weekend so you must be very busy
People don't go to the cinema anymore
Well, what are we gonna do?
I don’t know, Emilio. You tell me
Err I don't know. Let’s have a few beers and loosen up a bit!
Are you gonna give me a hundred euros too?
I've got 200 euros for you
I don't get any of this but I'm gonna make a killing
She's hot as well, damn it! Yes she is!
Mmm this is delicious
Well, I went a bit mad with the salt
Watch it, sometimes I go a bit mad with my hand too
How are things in Mallorca?
Great. You'll have to come and visit us some time
Any time. We'd love to
What's wrong with those cats?
It's just that one of them's in heat
Well Lorena, what cases are you working on now?
Fernando told me you specialise in ecological crimes
My dad's a lawyer as well, you see
Oh, great
Ecological crimes
Well it's a case that's...that's very interesting
because errm it's about a zookeeper who was cleaning out the otter's pool
and he slipped and fell over
and he was really unlucky and got his foot caught in the panda's cage
and it bit him. It took off 3 of his toes. Ate them, I mean
But don't pandas eat bamboo?
Yeah but...he had bamboo in his shoes
and he also put nail polish on his toe nails to stop himself biting them
and the panda got an infection and died
So the zookeeper used to bite his toe nails?
Yeah because he used to be a contortionist in the circus at the zoo
But anyway, the thing is, the panda is a protected species so the zoo have sued the zookeeper
and the zookeeper's suing the nail polish brand
for not putting in the leaflet that it's lethal for pandas
It's a very complex case. Haven't you read about it in the papers?
No
Well I'll go get the dessert
Fernando, she's an excellent lawyer
You can't understand a word she says
I'll give you the beer in the bottle because otherwise I'm gonna have to wash...
What are you doing, you pervert!
What are you gonna do to me for 200 euros?
What am I gonna do to you!
Just who do you think you are!
That's no way to treat a client!
Client my arse! Get out of here, come on, out!
But isn't this a brothel?
Brothel! Are you calling me a whore, Emilio?
But you're a hooker, aren't you?
How dare you! That's disgusting! Out! Get out of my house!
Señor Cuesta, they're not hookers, damn it!
What do you mean?
Emilio, cover yourself please
Well I've already called the police
You've done what!
What are we gonna tell them now?
Calm down, it's no big deal, maybe they won't even come
Police! What's going on here?
What a mess!
Hey, she's here
Quick, hide and listen
Wait, wait
What?
Take this just in case
Roberto, don't you think you're going a bit too far?
No. This is like something out of the movies
Right, a sci-fi film
Hi, you called me, right?
Yeah, come in
Right, let's get down to it
Down to what?
What do you mean? Come on, get your clothes off
If this is your idea of a joke, it's not funny at all. You've got a girlfriend!
Don't pretend to be frigid with me now! Come on, get those trousers off
But what's this about? Are you having problems with Lucia or what? Leave me alone
No, I'm having problems with you cos you're off your nut!
Look, you're scaring me. Maybe I'd better be going
What, no! Kiss me right now
No, I don't want to! Leave me alone!
Kiss me right now!
Roberto please! Lucia!
What are you doing? Leave her alone
Yeah right, leave her alone! She's been stalking me for 3 days!
Come on, it's written in your face
Come on, you're dying for it, aren't you?
Leave her alone
What's up with him?
I don't know. He's been strange this last month since we moved here
No, I'm not crazy. She's the only crazy one round here
because she hasn't got over me dumping her
What was that?
We'd been dating for 3 years
That's a lie
What do you mean it's a lie?
What pisses you off is that I was dating you both and in the end I chose her
See! It wasn't that hard to tell your girlfriend, was it then?
I'm so sorry Lucia but the way he dumped me was so horrible that I had to get my own back
I hope you'll be very happy together
Oh and don't worry, tomorrow I'll go back to my house
I've got a beautiful penthouse in the city centre
Bye
I told you
Well, that's it sorted, right? You're not angry, are you?
No, come off it! Not at all!
Where did I put the knife?
One at a time please! Don't all talk at the same time or we won't understand anything
Come on, show a bit of respect for the police constable
Like who is this individual for a start?
Me? The caretaker
And do you usually walk nude around the building?
Juan Cuesta, President of the community
I can clear all this up in 2 words. This is just A MISUNDERSTANDING
No, it's not a misunderstanding at all! These people don’t have lives of their own
so they spend their time making up lives for everyone else
and they thought it would be nice to put it about that my flatmate and I are prostitutes
But do you have any proof of that?
Do you want to press charges?
Definitely
Come on, there's no need for that!
Come with me to the police station please
Wait a second, Constable. We only believed that because these ladies told us it was true
There were men coming and going
They're both sluts, Constable
Take it from me, I'm their landlady
Can you show me your rental agreement?
What agreement? She hasn't given us any agreement
Right, you come with us as well then, please. We'll take your statement
Are you arresting me? Son!
What do you expect, Mum? What did you call them for?
I must stress that we're getting things out of proportion. This is just a misunderstanding
You'd better keep quiet! He came to my house yesterday and offered me 100 euros!
You too, Señor Cuesta?
But what’s this girl saying?
No, no! As President I declare that in no moment did I have the slightest physical contact with this young lady
That's just what Bill Clinton said and look at what came out about him
Oh Juan, I think I'm gonna cry
Ok, you get in the car too
Sweetheart, don't say anything about this to the kids, ok? This is a terrible mistake
We should have brought the van
Excuse me, Constable. Is my husband going to be back home for dinner?
I don't know Señora! Make something cold
Juan! Juan!
Don't worry, Paloma!
He'll be back tomorrow, don't worry
It's our fault. You can't accuse people of things without proof
What are you talking about? It happens every day in the House of Commons and nobody makes problems
Well that's true
But what am I gonna do tonight? I can't sleep without my husband
You can come and sleep with me in my room, Doña Paloma
I'm not sleeping with you in your room! My husband will kill me!
Fernando, this girl's perfect. She's pretty, smart, she's got a good job
and it's clear she loves you
There's nothing she hasn’t got
Yes there is, a dick
I'm so happy. We'll have to come again
Of course, for the wedding
Are you gonna tie the knot?
How come you haven't told me anything about it?
Err...because we wanted it to be a surprise
How wonderful! Because it's not that I disapprove of this situation but...
No she does disapprove of it. Some journey we had
but it's much better to be married
She's just getting started
Can you excuse me for a second? I'll be right back
Hey, if you like, I could dig out my dress for you. It might fit you
because I had the same kind of figure as yours
Oh really?
Yes!
How's it going?
Shit
I don't know what I’m doing here. I'm like one of those people in Un dos tres
Don't worry, everything's going really well. My parents are thrilled
They're the only ones!
Come on, give me a kiss
Sorry
Fuck!
Weren't you going to the bathroom, Enrique?
No, actually I'll wait till we get back to the hotel
Are you alright?
Not great really
It's just I don't usually have dinner, you know
Do you want to lie down in the bed for a bit?
No, no. Right, look, we'd better be going
Do you want me to take you?
No, I think we'd rather take a walk, ok?
But I’m wearing high heels!
Dad, are you sure you're alright?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Bye
It was the news about the wedding. Your father gets an upset stomach when he's excited
Well, we'll be seeing you then
It was a pleasure, sweetheart
Enrique, wait for me!
What a shame, right? We were having such a good time
It's just that I don't know why you had to lie to me
Because I thought you were gonna take it badly
You know, the fact I was dating someone else at the start of our relationship...
Well I had a boyfriend as well when I met you
Really?
Yeah. It's normal to have doubts at the beginning, don't you think?
I found it really hard to decide too
How long?
It's just that you were so different
How long?
Oh I don’t know...a month
A month! Mine was only a week!
Who was he?
What does it matter? You don't know him
It wasn't Carlos, was it?
Oh you do know him then!
How do you know him?
But why didn't you tell me?
One-all
It's my fault, I should have told them directly
Who knows how I'm gonna explain this now!
Relax, Fernando. Look on the bright side
What bright side?
I don't know, I'm looking for it
My mum could have a heart attack when she finds out about this
Call your dad and tell him to wait until they're on the plane
so they can give the poor woman oxygen
That's not funny
Yeah but...
Hello
Fernando, your dad
Dad?
Can I come in for a minute?
Yeah, I was just going...
No, no, stay
I wanted to talk to you earlier
You're gay, right?
Yes
Me too
And me
Come on Dad!
I've been attracted to men for years
But I'm married and I've got a family
But I want you to know that I support you and understand you
Hold on a second! Does mum know anything about this?
Are you crazy or what?
So how am I going to explain it to her then?
That's your problem. Don't get me mixed up in your mess
I’ve gotta run because I'm gonna miss the plane, ok?
Oh, and if you're in Palma, I act on Thursdays at 11 and 1 in the Las Vegas Cabaret
My name's Felony
Bye
I'm not introducing you to my parents, they'll seem a right pain in the arse to you
Felony?
Felony? I love it as an artistic name
Paco! Paquito!
What's up, man?
Check it out! Look what I bought myself
How much was it?
400 euros
From a little job I did. Do you like it?
It's cool, man. But have you got a licence to drive this thing?
You don't need a licence. Come on, lock up and jump on the back, I'll take you for a spin
Ok man. Don't worry, no-one ever comes in anyway
Hold on cos this thing's got 125 horse power
But do you know how to use all the controls?
Sure I do. Lean when we go round the bends. I've seen it on TV and it works a treat
Here we go, ok? And we're off!