Aquí no hay quien viva (2003–2006): Season 1, Episode 12 - Érase un sustituto - full transcript
Fuck, what time do you call this!
Come on, let's make this quick cos the supermarket's gonna close
Right, you're already rushing me
Check it out, I placed candles to make it romantic
Yeah, very nice
Come on!
Coming, coming
Ow!
What's wrong?
Ow, fuck that hurt! I just got this sharp pain here
Let's see
Ouch, there it is again!
Ow, ow!
Ow, get off, I'm gonna lie down
Hey Emilio, if you don't feel like it, just tell me, ok!
Wait girl, let me see if it goes away
Let's see, where is it? Here?
Keep still for fuck's sake! I'm in pain here!
God, you're such a baby, it's nothing
Ow! I wanna sleep
We need to wait for the x-ray but this is clearly an acute appendicitis
Ow, I'm going Señor Juan and I won't be coming back
Relax Emilio, relax
If this gets treated too late, it becomes peritonitis and then that's you dead and buried
Thanks so much for the encouragement, dear
Wait till you see the scar they're gonna leave you with. This big
If something happens to me, have them donate my body to science
because I never got to go to university
Nothing's going to happen to you
Remember the money you gave me to change the boiler valve?
Well I kept it and bought myself some trainers
Never mind
I couldn't go with that on my conscience
Hang on, I'll come with you!
No, no you stay here because you get really annoying
You ungrateful moron!
Good luck Emilio! We'll come see you at the hospital
Does this gentleman work here?
No, he's a friend of the building
Right well I'm off because the supermarket's gonna close soon
I hate to think what she was doing with Emilio in his flat
if he gets her pregnant, we'll never get them out of there
How long are we going to be without a caretaker?
Well if they operate, he'll need at least a week's rest
Quit Señor Cuesta, quit!
But you don't even know what's happened!
I don't care. Quit!
Go back inside, you old psycho!
Look Juan, this is an upmarket building and we can't do without a caretaker
Ok, we'll call a temp agency and get someone to cover for him
God knows what they'll send us
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone, anyone
Every day's like this
and I couldn't imagine it when I moved here
All I was looking for was a bit of peace and quiet
And every day I wake up in the middle of a hurricane
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone, anyone
The house is falling down on me
The caretaker's nowhere to be seen
The neighbours watch everything I do
I can't take this place
Put together in a cocktail shaker
thunder and lightning, an earthquake, and a volcano
and you'll get this staircase
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone, anyone
Mauri, if you want me to give you a lift, we need to go now
Wait a second, I can't find the watch you gave me for Christmas
Put another one on then. You've got loads of them!
Yeah but that one cost the most
It's just that I'm going to the bank to sort out the loan
And when the manager talks to me, I'll listen to him like this
so he sees the watch and thinks I've got money
You haven't put it away in one of your drawers, have you?
No, don't look there! I've got important documents stored there
Right
This does seem important
Law books have such strange front covers nowadays, right?
I can explain
Go on then!
Well, it's an erotic magazine
which you by simple logical deduction might assume to be mine
but it isn't. It's Armando's
- Armando's? - Yeah, the neighbour upstairs
I haven't even opened it. He asks me to keep them for him
because you know what his mum's like, right?
And he's got his daughter there as well, she could be traumatised if she saw them
So Armando, a 40 year old man, asks you to keep his porno magazines for him?
Yeah, but they're not really porn
It's erotic literature, there's no sex or dicks
No, if there were dicks, I'd be much more comfortable with it
But no, basically what you see are...
tits
It's a tit festival. And that one's got stretch marks
Yeah, I reckon the November edition is the weakest one
I thought you hadn't opened it
Well I flicked through it just like you
Come on, you've gotta put yourself in Armando's shoes
Divorced, single, and anyway this is so Spanish
Shall we go?
No, you go and I'll get a taxi when I find the watch
Hey, don't worry though!
If it bothers you that much, I'll talk to him and tell him to keep them somewhere else
No! I'm not worried
Fuck!
Morning!
Come on, show a bit of respect! I've just mopped this floor
Oh sorry!
As we don't have a caretaker, the least we can do is all lend a hand
Let's talk about it later because I'm running late for work
What, you think I don't work?
For God's sake Juan, what are you doing mopping the floor? You're the president!
Yeah but if I don't do it, no-one else will
Give me that!
Have you ever seen the President of Spain cutting the palace lawn?
Well, actually Felipe Gonzalez really liked bonsais
Fuck, the smell coming out of this bin!
Sure, we agreed that every day a neighbour would take out the trash!
I've got a bad back
Emilio's been off for 2 days and this is a mess!
And he didn't seem to do anything
Good morning, my name's Amador Carrión, I've been sent by the agency
Ah pleased to meet you. Juan Cuesta, president of the community
Paloma Cuesta, first lady
Let go of that at once please
Oh sorry
Here are my references
I hope you'll be fully satisfied with my work this week
Well, what shall I start with?
- With me! - For God's sake Marisa!
He's really hot, dammit
Paco! What's up man?
Check it out
Did they give you your job back?
Nah! I'm a businessman now, I bought the business from my boss
How much was it?
Nothing, it's not worth a dime
But now I've gotta pay the rent myself
so you'd better start renting movies now!
Hey, how about giving me a hand putting the cases out?
I've gotta run because my sister's left home
and I need to take all her stuff out of my room
Your parents must be happy about that
Yeah, you bet they are
See you later
See you later
Natalia...no way!
Sweetheart, it's understandable for Natalia to be angry
Maybe we were wrong to throw out that cradle-snatching pervert
She might have been serious about him
Serious about a 38 year old man!
No! What this girl's doing is challenging our authority
If it isn't Mr President and the First Lady!
We want to talk with our daughter
Natalia, your mum and dad!
She's been away from home 3 days and we haven't heard a peep from her!
Now all the building's found out about it and this isn't good for you as president at all
Yes Paloma, this is going to stop
I'll have to put my foot down now
I'm her father and from now on, I'm not putting up with any more nonsense!
I'll believe it when I see it
What do you want?
Sweetheart, come home for pity's sake!
I'm not coming back Dad
What, do you think you're cool because you've left home or something?
Natalia, let me remind you that you're under 18 and under our legal custody
And let me remind you that I turn 18 the day after tomorrow
Oh really?
But we haven't got her anything for it
I don't care how old you're gonna be!
For your information, we're not giving you a penny!
Let's see what you do now because the prince is already spoken for
Excuse me but she's very happy here and has a right to live wherever she wants
Who asked your opinion!
Sorry but we've got a lot of stuff to do
I thought you were gonna put your foot down!
You never gave me a chance!
That girl's coming home even if we have to drag her downstairs ourselves!
What a mess!
She looked thinner, don't you think?
Thinner my foot!
I've just had a hair cut and you haven't even noticed!
They're so annoying, they'll never leave me alone
Don't worry, we're here to help and support you with whatever you need
And if you need money, you tell me and we'll ask Belén for it
Hey, can I go with you to an audition and see if they take me?
It's not for you
You're really pretty, but short and very curvy
and nowadays they prefer slimmer girls who are more 21st century
more like me
Anyway, you wouldn't like it, it's such a competitive world
Right, I can see that now
But if you wanna make some quick money, the best thing would be get a job at the burger bar with Belén
That WOULD be up your street
Paloma! Your daughter's left home!
Not even your own kids put up with you anymore!
Better for them to leave home at 17 than still be at home at 40
If your daughter's living in my flat, you need to pay me rent!
Sure! Wait there a second and I'll bring it right out to you
Concha, can't we try and get along...
Quit Señor Cuesta, quit!
Mum, give me the keys to the garage, I need to take some stuff down
Where are you going with that? That's Natalia's
Well as she doesn't live here anymore, I need to sort out my room
Sounds good, right? "My room"
Come on, put all that stuff back where it goes right now
because your sister will be back soon
Mum, you've reached a certain age now when your daughters fly the nest
then the parents go too and the son takes over. It's a law of nature
I'll give you your laws of nature! Go on!
Get back to your room to study or do whatever it is you do in there!
Alright but don't get your knickers in a twist
Paloma, maybe the boy's right
Whether we like it or not, she's an adult now
Not for another 2 days, she's not. Anyway, I don't care about that
What's she gonna do without money or anyone to cook for her
to wash her clothes, and do her ironing?
Come back home which is where she ought to be
Us mums get taken for granted and it really hurts
And the only reason I'm not crying is because I'm wearing make up
Ok, what are we going to do then?
We'll impose a complete blockade
and in 2 days she'll be back here with her tail between her legs
That's what the Americans thought about Fidel Castro and look what happened there
I don't like her not having any money...
Look, you're very smart, that's why you're president
but who's always right in this household?
You
Right, so it's decided then!
Coming!
Fuck, look at the state of this place! Living alone sure doesn't suit you!
Where is it?
Hello?
Hi honey, it's me, how are you?
No, how are YOU? When are you coming home?
The day after tomorrow because we've hired a van to visit Cappadocia tomorrow
Oh great, can you shed some light on that "we" for me?
I met a group of Spaniards here at the hotel
Hey, Turkey's stunning, you know that
Come on, does this seem normal to you? You're driving me crazy here!
Sweetheart, it was something I really wanted to do, you have to understand that
Yeah I do but then I think about it and I don't understand it anymore
Don't be grumpy! I'll be there in a couple of days
I love you lots!
Yeah, I love you too, I hope you don't forget that
Well? When's she coming back?
The day after tomorrow apparently
Well start tidying all this up cos otherwise you won't have time
Fuck, there's no understanding this girl
First she made us move in together, then agree to get married
and now I've got used to the idea, she's gone off traveling by herself
That's it man! She was chatting to a Turkish bloke and she's gone to meet him
Come off it!
Yeah! Listen, I've got a girlfriend in Helsinki
I called myself Manolo and said I was a matador
I sent her a picture of Fran Rivera and she's crazy about me
Nah, if Lucía had a problem with me, she would have told me
Yeah right! She went off on her own and all of a sudden
That means there's something shady going on
Good afternoon Mauricio, I've brought you and Fernando your mail
And who are you?
Amador, the new caretaker
From now on, I will be delivering you your mail in person
Oh, well thanks a lot
Not at all, just doing my job
Oh, and if you need anything, don't hesitate to let me know
Ok, thanks a lot Amador
Have a good afternoon!
Mm, wow, get me a piece of that ass!
It's nothing special
What, seriously, don't you like him?
No, I don't look at men anymore
Since my husband died, I'm dead from the waist down
How lovely! Dumb but lovely!
Good afternoon
I'll take the rubbish down
Do you think you've got a chance?
I don't know what you're talking about
I'm the one he's into! I saw him checking out my legs earlier
Excuse me Vicenta, but what are you doing?
Bringing down the rubbish
Oh no, please, from now on, leave the bags beside your door
and I'll go round and collect them one flat at a time
Thanks very much
Not at all, just doing my job
- Bye - bye
Whoa! How silly of me!
Well? Have you got him in the bag now?
Marisa! You're so childish sometimes!
So all I have to do is go downstairs and say
"Hi, I've come for my magazine"
Right. It seems silly, right?
But it's important. I'll give it to you and then you leave
Listen, what kind of magazine is it? Cars?
What does he want?
Good evening, Doña Concha
It's late! You, come inside and finish your dinner!
Ok, well later...
Later what?
Nothing Mum, come on
Shit
Ok thanks
Sorted! Tomorrow you start working in the burger bar
Welcome to the wonderful world of cholesterol
Hey, what's the pay like?
Crap but we're never short of ketchup at home
Right, don't wait up for me tonight
Nacho's taking me out for dinner
What, are you celebrating something?
Yeah, we've been together for a week now
That's quite an achievement for her. She's like the top of a milk bottle
Very easy to screw
I can feel a certain jealousy in the atmosphere here
Yeah but it's healthy
- Hi! - Hi
Come in
I'll get my bag and then we'll head out
Oh Natalia, you're here!
Hey how's it going?
Yeah I'm here too
Huh? Oh yeah, erm...
Belén!
That's it, Belén
How are you doing then? Aren't you going out tonight?
No, I'm gonna stay home with Belén and relax
Hey, ready when you are
No, I brought a film round, I thought we could all watch it here and relax
But I thought we were going out for dinner!
Right but I was late in phoning the restaurant and there were no tables left
You could have told me earlier!
Oh well, never mind, let's put the film on!
We can have all loads of fun here together, right?
Yeah I agree
Belén, can you come to the kitchen for a second?
Do you wanna drink something?
Ok, I'll have a rum with lemon
Alicia! 2 rums with lemon
We like the same drinks
Belén, that girl needs to leave here now!
I don't want her as a flatmate
But why?
Because she's messy, doesn't help out, and has no money
Like you then?
Yeah but it's not the same. Just look how she's flirting with Nacho!
But she hasn't even opened her mouth
That's what worries me. She hasn't needed to
Finally you get to see how I've felt in all these years of living with you!
It's humiliating, right?
Whatever you say, but tomorrow she needs to find somewhere else
But we can't kick her out with everything she's going through with her parents!
Natalia's like my little sister
She reminds me of me when I left home
In what way?
I don't know but she does and she's not going!
Where have those 2 cocktails got to!
Look Nacho, I don't wanna watch the film, I'm going out
Ok
Don't worry, I'll get those drinks for you
Thanks
Remember this t-shirt, Paloma
I forbade her to wear it but she put it on anyway
Because that girl's always done what she's wanted and you've completely spoilt her
It's unfortunate that she's so pretty as well
I don't know where she gets it from
- Excuse me Juan! - Other than from you, of course
Excuse me, if you don't need anything else, I'll be on my way
Oh are you still here?
There's always lots of things to do on the first day
Tomorrow I'll come in a little earlier, I noticed that the banister on the staircase is a little rusty
and I'd like to put a coat of red oxide on it and then paint it
There's no need, don't trouble yourself...ok, yes, no, you do that
- Good night - Good night - Good night
Wow Juan, this man's a marvel, we can't let him get away
Well he does seem very competent but as soon as Emilio gets better...
Emilio's been here 7 years and he's never said anything about putting red oxide on the stairs!
And I bet it'll look much nicer with that
All I'm saying is we need a change of caretaker
But we can't change Emilio just like that
Come on, there's no comparison between that gentleman's suit and what Emilio wears!
Emilio looks like a junkee and a pothead
But haven't you grown fond of him?
Of course I have, and he can come visit whenever he likes
but your duty as president is to do what's best for the community
and what's best for the comuunity is for this gentleman to stay!
Ok but before taking such a drastic decision
first we need to consult the rest of the neighbours
Meeting tomorrow then
Paloma, we've got enough problems as it is
Meeting Juan, meeting! You'll win over all the neighbours!
- Hi - Hi
Erm...I've come for my magazine
Yeah, it's here, carefully looked after
Here you go
Into big tits then, are we? You naughty boy, you!
Huh...oh yeah, better that than a flat chest
Ok well thanks a lot, I'll be on my way with my magazine then
Have fun
See! Your problem is you never believe me
What are you doing?
Nothing, just going shopping
Why are you painting your face like a door then?
What about you?
I'm going out with my face washed like every other day!
You like Amador and you wanna take him away from me!
I'm not gonna take him away from he cos he's not yours!
You already met the love of your life
Manolo the love of my life! Come on, he was an asshole!
You should have chosen better then! Now it's my turn to have a romance
Well sorry sweetie but there's nothing you can do
We'll see about that
You could have told me it was a porno magazine!
It's erotic literature!
What a mess you got me in, man
Yeah sorry but Mauri caught me with it and as he wouldn't understand why I had it...
No, nobody else would understand either. Look, why would a gay guy have a magazine with naked ladies?
It's to take to work because a couple of my colleagues are pissed
because there are these 2 girls who flirt with me and as I don't pay any attention to them...
Hey if they're hot, give me their numbers! Anything for a friend, right?
So what I do is take the magazine and hide it in a drawer
and since sooner or later someone will open it, they'll stop suspecting and problem solved
Right, so you'd rather they think you're a pervo than think you're gay?
Yeah, it's much more socially acceptable, isn't it?
Hey, maybe you can you do me a favour
Sure, you wanna keep it, right?
No, look, the thing is I'm meeting a lady friend today
Well actually she's not a friend, I wanna sleep with her
and as I've got my mum and my daughter at home
it occurred to me that if you 2 go to the cinema or go out for dinner
you could let me have the keys and Bob's your uncle
Surely you're not asking me to let you bring a girl back to my flat?
Right, that's just it!
But why can't you get a hotel room like anybody else?
Hey, hey, hey! I got lumbered with that magazine thanks to you!
Who knows what I'm gonna say to Mauri now then
Right, ok, that's settled then, perfect
Sure, perfect!
Ok
Hey Sandra, you're on, tell your husband your mum's had another fall
Yeah, right, see you later
Come on
Ow, ow, be careful! Slowly!
Stop complaining and get out of the car, will you!
Seriously, I don't know why I bothered going to see you
Belén, they've put 7 staples in me
Wait till you get a Caesarian
Look, I'm going cos I'm gonna be late for work
That's it, leave me here to die
Emilio! You're looking great, mate!
Look at these staples, look
Fucking hell!
Hello, good morning
Who's this guy?
I'm your replacement for this week
I hope you make a swift recovery and will be able to return to work as soon as possible
What does he mean "replacement"? Have you taken away my flat?
No! Wrong!
You've got your flat here for you to rest and recover in
Come on, let's go in!
Oh what a fright you gave me
Emilio, don't worry because...just don't worry!
Everything's so clean! Have you bought the steam cleaner now?
Well...no, not yet but give it time
Trust me, you don't wanna have an operation like that
Now I know why all the female celebrities get so highly strung when they reach a certain age
Amador?
No, it's Emilio! He's returned safe and sound
Don't worry, I'm here now. As soon as they take the staples out, I'll be back to work
Right but there's no hurry, you recover properly!
We wouldn't want them to take the stitches out and...
you never know what can happen when these things don't heal right
Just look at her. When she was young, she fell off a swing
and look at the state of her now
When did I fall off a swing?
You got concussion! You don't remember it
Come on, let's go find him!
Come on!
I saw you're going to hold a meeting, do you want me to come up for it?
No, there's no need
You're on sick leave. Lie down and get some rest because you can't exert yourself
What's it about?
Huh?
I mean what's the meeting for?
Oh nothing, we're gonna decide whether or not to...
give you the inner courtyard so when we hang out washing, it doesn't get wet
Oh that's great, I'll have less floor to mop
Yes, much less
Right well, I'll be on my way, look after yourself, ok
Thanks a lot for everything
What a mess!
Shit, lying down's boring
Paloma! I'm going downstairs for a minute to take back the film to the video store
No! I haven't seen it yet
Oh! Well to take the trash out then
It's not full!
Well to get a bit of fresh air
Ok!
Fuck I made that hard on myself!
You're annoying, you know that!
No, I haven't come to say anything to you. Look
Your mother made some lentil soup yesterday and I thought...here
Thanks
Are you eating enough? You look thinner to me, Natalia
Yes dad, I'm eating enough
I also ironed you a few t-shirts and these jeans
They're those tight ones you like so you can see it doesn't bother me you wearing them
Thanks
And look in the pocket
That always comes in handy, right?
Dad, mind Mum doesn't get wind of this
Don't worry, she won't realise
Juan, I'm missing the 1.5 litre tub
What's that?
The lentil soup! The tub with the lentil soup, where is it?
Ah, I took it
What for?
Well because I wanted to have breakfast and there was no jam left
so I said to myself, my wife makes lovely lentil soup, why not have some of that?
Juan, tell me the truth
I took it up to Natalia
But what did you do that for! I thought we agreed!
You didn't give her money, did you?
No, no, no!
How much did you give her?
50 euros
She won't come back like that! She's better off now than she was before
All she needs now is for you to iron her clothes
You ironed her clothes as well!
A few t-shirts but I made a really bad job of it so she'll make a fool of yourself in them
Juan, either we stick together in this or that girl's gonna get the better of us
Are you gonna be strong or not?
Yes, I will, yes
Right well she can have the lentil soup
But I want the tub back and I want it clean!
And she'd better not put it in the dishwasher because it'll chip it
You're the one with the chip...on your shoulder
You're grounded!
Dad, you don't know how to lie, I'm gonna have to teach you
Can you help me with this?
Where can that man have got to?
Look, there he is
Yes, to be honest ever since I lost my husband, I feel very lonely
Right but I've noticed that here you're all like one big happy family
Hi Amador!
Concha, can we have a word with you for a second?
Yes, I'll carry on cleaning the staircase lamps
Look here sweetheart, weren't you supposed to be dead from the waist down?
So what? I've come back to life
You 2 have both had husbands
The only one here with a right to have a nice relationship with Amador is me
Or me because I'm really lonely!
All of us are lonely!
Come on, we're not gonna throw away years of friendship over a man, are we?
Yeah!
Oh really? Well in that case this is war
Fine!
Great!
What's up, son?
Dad! Damn you look so handsome!
You've cut off all that greasy hair you had
As the poet said, evolve or die
How are you doing then?
Look at my staples
Cover that up, dammit! You're so disgusting
You could at least have visited me in hospital!
There was a Champions League match on, dammit! You choose the worst days to go and get sick!
Right and what about Mum?
You know your mother can't stand hospitals
Ever since she had you, she's never set foot in one again
She couldn't care less about me. It's natural I guess with me being an accident
No, dammit, you weren't an accident! It's just that your mother was really depressed
so the 2 of us said to ourselves, "let's have a child!"
Right and how did it work out?
She got more depressed
Sure, no wonder I've got emotional needs issues
No! She grew fond of you over time
And you?
Me? So-so
Right, I'm gonna go sell books. Get up out of bed and stop being a baby!
Hey Dad, make me some soup or something, would you?
Sure, that's just what I was thinking of doing
See you later
Bye
Thank God I've got Belén because if not...
Oh my God, look at this pull-out poster
Are you nervous?
No
Look, as it's your first day, stick close to me and learn
Ok but how hard can it be to work in a burger bar?
Well people look down their noses at this job and it's true
it's shit, but you do need great skills
You have to take care of public relations, juggle
What do you mean juggle?
Sure, if you drop a hamburger on the floor
you have to pick it up without the customer noticing
Gross! I've eaten there loads of times
Well you shouldn't have! Number one rule of the burger bar: here nothing gets thrown away
Oh God!
But...but why are you dressed like that?
You're not working in the burger bar, are you?
What? Do you wanna end up like her?
Hey! What's wrong with me?
It's what you've been doing all your life but at least I'm getting paid for it
Ouch that hurt!
Now she's at it again!
Natalia, stop being silly and come home!
Your father's a wreck and his hair's falling out
I'm not coming back home until you apologise to me
Me apologise! What for?
I don't know, you figure it out. Come on, let's go!
Hey! Don't try and blackmail me! DON'T TRY AND BLACKMAIL ME!
And you shut up, you old psycho!
Don't call her, man! Leave her alone!
Why not? I need to talk to her. I need to ask her something
That's it, pester her
Lucía?
What's wrong?
A man answered
Well what did he say?
How do I know? I can't believe this!
She can't have hooked up with a Turkish guy surely?
Come on, don't imagine the worst! Maybe she's just been kidnapped
Hello?
Hi honey, it's me, I'm in the embassy
because I had my bag stolen with my passport, money and phone in it
What a mess, you don't wanna know about it!
Hey, her phone's been stolen
Sure it has!
Look, you're still coming home tomorrow, though, right?
I'm gonna try, sweetheart
Listen Lucía, if there was something strange going on, you'd tell me about it, wouldn't you?
Yeah, I'm telling you about it now...hey I've gotta hang up because they're gonna serve me
Mwah, I love you lots
Shit!
She says she loves me lots and she's at the embassy
She made all that up. What happened is you caught her redhanded with the Turkish guy
so she called you to sell you that pack of lies
Come on man, what makes you so cynical?
Experience!
Right, welcome everyone, let's begin the meeting!
Please switch off your phones and don't smoke
To have the floor, raise your hand, and to call names, raise your hand too
Thanks son
I really wanted to do it
My boy's so smart!
Hey, where's your girlfriend?
On holiday in Istanbul
What, has she gone on her own and left you here?
As far as I know, we didn't come here to talk about my life
Sure but now that we're here, go on, tell us something!
Sorry to interrupt but can someone tell me why we're here?
Yeah because some of us have got a date
First and only point of the meeting agenda
Traumatic and permanent replacement of Emilio
loyal caretaker of this building throughout the last 7 years
with Amador, his substitute, about whom we know relatively little
Right, I believe this calls for an in-depth debate and detailed analysis...
Juan sweetheart, you're rambling. Let's see, votes in favour?
Juan!
Against?
We're stabbing Emilio in the back here
I think it's terrible, I'm so terribly ashamed
- Mauri, watch it - Here we go again!
It doesn't matter, we're in the majority so Amador is the new caretaker
Ok then, now all that remains is to inform Emilio
Any volunteers to go downstairs and tell him?
Fine, I'll tell him myself
Mauri, do you wanna go to the cinema tonight?
What, go to a public place in the middle of this flu epidemic! No way!
We could come home carrying something
Well, I doubt it's that bad
Plus, you're sitting there trying to watch the film and from behind...you get that right in the back of your neck
No, anyway we've got loads of films to watch here
Hey, what about going out for dinner? We could book a table somewhere romantic
No, not today
Mauri, you're getting old, you don't wanna go anywhere anymore
Nobody wants to go out in this cold weather
To the gym! Why don't we go to the gym?
Come off it!
Mauri, I didn't wanna say anything to you but lately you've been looking kinda podgy
What!
It's only natural, when you spend all day sitting on the sofa
your body gets like an old man
I mean the butt goes in and the belly comes out
Hey, don't tell me that!
No I mean it!
Also, the more you let yourself you go, the harder you'll find it to get back in shape
In shape? Right, I'll start tomorrow
And to hell with the bread, no more bread
No! No putting it off till tomorrow because you'll end up not doing anything
Come on, get changed while I go get the car out
Don't be a pain, Fernando, I don't wanna go anywhere
Alright, I was only saying it to give us something to do
My butt hurts now and you've ruined my whole evening
They've made her a supervisor! And she's worked there ONE day!
I've been there 3 months and I haven't got past frying the onion rings
I told you, that girl's destroying us!
But I don't get it, what's she got that I haven't?
I don't wanna be nasty, I don't think you need me to tell you
Look, that girl can't go on living here, she's upsetting my mental equilibrium
But I thought she was like your little sister
Well my little sister can go fend for herself!
When she gets here, you can tell her to leave
Oh no! You tell her because I'm more sensitive than you
More sensitive! That must be when you shave your armpits
Hey, I'm gonna take a shower cos I'm whacked
Natalia wait
Look, erm...listen to what Belén has to say to you
Right erm...we're really happy you're here with us
And that comes from the heart, to me you're like my little sister
Yeah, to me too. The 3 of us are like one big happy family
What's wrong? You want me to move out, right?
No, it's not us, it's...it's Concha
Oh yeah, right, it's Concha
She says you've gotta go or else she'll kick us out of the flat
I reckon she hates your mum so badly that she can't even stand the sight of you
Ok I'll go talk to her
No! It's best if you don't provoke her
Ok but I can sleep here tonight, though, right?
Oh! The thing is you place us in a difficult position
Anyway, I'm sure your parents will be really pleased if you go back home
Alright then, I'll go get my stuff
Oh by the way Belén, tomorrow you need to start an hour earlier because you haven't changed the oil in the deep fryer
Don't you feel petty and mean?
No
Me neither
Anyway, we're here if you need anything
Hey, where are you gonna spend the night?
Don't worry, I've already got somewhere in mind
Hey, Lucía's not here, is she?
Er no, she's away on holiday
Perfect, you've got company now then
Hey listen, today's not gonna work
because I couldn't persuade Mauri, he won't budge
Come on man, I already arranged things with Sandra!
Right but what do you want me to do, drug him and hide in the boot of the car?
He wouldn't fit in yours, maybe in mine...
Ok listen, arrange to meet her tomorrow, give me another 24 hours
Tomorrow I'll get Mauri out of the house whatever it takes
Right, and what am I supposed to do tonight then?
Well I'll lend you my magazine if you like
That's not funny
Yeah, she's gonna stay at my place
You know, she's had a fight with her parents
so I couldn't turn the poor girl away
Sure, how good of you to sacrifice yourself while your girlfriend's away, you're so kind!
So she's gonna sleep in your flat?
In your bed?
And what are you gonna do?
No, no, no! I'll sleep on the sofa, nothing's gonna happen
Are you gay?
Of course I'm not bloody gay! But I've got a girlfriend
You mean Lucía's in Istanbul doing God knows what or Allah knows what
while you're here letting the chance of a lifetime slip away
Fuck man, if you don't make a move on her, you're gonna regret it
Yeah but if I do make a move, I'll regret it too
But you've already done it! It's better to regret doing something
than regret regretting something
that you thought you'd regret if you did it
But naturally you don't regret doing it because you didn't do it
and then you'll regret it because if you regret it...I dunno
You say something to him cos I dunno know what I'm saying here, I'm too sick
So you mean hooking up with Natalia is something that's never crossed your mind?
Well maybe without me wanting it to...
But no! Nothing's gonna happen
because I'm in love with Lucía and I'm gonna marry her!
And if you think I'm gonna throw all that away for something so stupid, you're very much mistaken!
Anyway, I'm not telling you 2 anything anymore
What do you think?
He'll never survive the night
Hey, did I show you my staples?
Ew, yeah, what the fuck!
Señor Juan, look I'm taking a little walk
Emilio, we need to talk for a minute
Yeah, don't worry, in a couple of days I'll be back at it with the mop again
No, look, the thing is all the neighbours met today
and we reached the conclusion that you've been here a long time now
and we decided that Amador will take over from you as caretaker
What? Are you firing me?
No, well yes, but this isn't a goodbye, it's just a see you later
with a bit of a goodbye mixed in
But you told me not to worry!
Yeah, I know but...that's the way things are
I didn't want...give me a hug, Emilio
You're my idol, don't you worry, I'll get by on my own
Anyway, you've already got enough problems
No, I'm not crying, it's just we've been through so much...
Come visit whenever you want, ok
Well, nothing lasts forever in life
What do you mean they've fired you? What happened?
The other guy's gonna stay cos they say he's better than me
Well that's not hard but it doesn't seem like a good enough reason for them to fire you to me
Would you come to Córdoba with me?
Nobody's going to Córdoba here!
Tomorrow I'm gonna get the tickets because my brother's waiting for me in the fishmonger's
Not that fishmonger's again!
Emilio, what are you and me gonna do now?
Well we could do it one last time if you like
You're in no kind of condition for sex right now
I am! I'll lie back like this and we'll just be a bit careful
Emilio! I'm being serious, what are we gonna do?
I don't know, Belén, I don't know!
Oh God!
Hey, do you mind telling me where you've been? I was worried about you
What, no I just went downstairs for a second cos I needed to talk..
I'm kidding man, relax
Listen Natalia, you can stay here tonight but tomorrow Lucía's coming home and...
Right, I doubt she'll be thrilled to see me here, will she?
Well traveling changes people but not as much as that
Hey, how are we gonna sleep because there's only 1 bed, right?
Yeah, don't worry though
You go in the bedroom and I'll sleep here on the sofa
Ok, if that's what you want, then sleep on the sofa
I don't mind sharing, though
There's more than enough space in there. You know that, right?
Right, but I'm fine here, the green's relaxing
Your choice. Good night Roberto
Good night!
Right look Natalia, enough messing around!
Eew, you're a terrible kisser!
What the!
What are you doing with my wife!
No, look...
You're sick man
And when do I get my turn?
No, Lucía, I can explain everything...
No, the thing is I've fallen in love with Hakan in Turkey and we're gonna get married!
No, wait!
BANG HER! GO ON, BANG HER!
Bang her! Go on, bang her!
You can't leave like this without saying goodbye to anyone
No, I've got my dignity and my pride
and I'm going with my head held high
Hey Paco, can you give me some money for a taxi?
Yeah
Keep in touch, ok?
Yeah but you guys call me because I've got no credit
Well Paco, give me a hug but be careful, alright?
We're gonna miss you man
Go on, losers, get lost!
This sucks so bad
Hello, good morning
Shut your gob you fucking crawler!
Come on Mum, do you think it's normal for him to have a magazine with naked women in it?
Yeah obviously Dad's got them too but he's not gay!
Of course it means something
Look, why do you buy home decorating magazines?
What do you mean you don't know why? Because you like home decorating!
Seriously, you drive me crazy sometimes!
Hey I've gotta hang up cos he's come out of the bathroom, I'll call you later
Right, are we gonna do something tonight then?
No, I can't do tonight either...
Mauri, you can't stay shut in here all day, you're like a circus
Let me speak, will you!
Alright, alright, sorry
because I'm meeting my friends for dinner
Great! Dinner with the boys!
Are you gonna tag along?
Me...no, because you know it'll be really lively with all your friends there
and I don't feel that comfortable in that kind of atmosphere
That's understandable in your case
No look, you know what I'll do?
I'll go watch that Iranian film by Kiarostami at the cinema
Kiarostami?
Yeah, he's the...the Iranian Spielberg
Fine, we'll see each other back here afterwards, ok?
Yeah, isn't it great? We've both got things planned for tonight now
Hi, is Natalia there? I've brought some chiceken croquettes
Natalia doesn't live here anymore
Oh really? Where is she then?
Thanks very much for the croquettes, though
Fucking hell! How am I gonna tell Paloma about this?
Why does everything always have to happen to me!
Paloma, I've got some good news and some bad news
The good news is Natalia's not in Alicia and Belèn's place anymore
Oh really? Where is she then?
That's the bad news, she's with him upstairs
What do you mean "him upstairs"?
She spent the night with Roberto
Oh God! Just what I needed to hear!
What have we done wrong, Paloma?
How do I know? I don't remember
I'm president of the community and my daughter's out there having sex with the neighbours
Well, I didn't want to tell you this but she's started working in a burger bar
Oh God!
What about all the money we saved up to pay for her to go to university?
Well look, I wanna get a jacuzzi with...
Paloma, please!
And just wait! When Lucìa gets back from holiday and sees Natalia there, it's all gonna kick off
Right! Well, every cloud has a silver lining
That way we'll destroy the snob
But I don't want to destroy anyone!
All I want is for us to be a family again
Where shall I put this?
Jose Miguel, stop taking out Natalia's stuff!
And you won't believe this but I ran into her yesterday and she tried to blackmail me
What? How?
Yeah, she said she'd come back home if I apologised to her
Well apologise then, dammit!
Me apologise to my daughter? Yeah right!
Paloma, either you apologise to Natalia or I'll give up the presidency
You wouldn't dare!
Jose Miguel, for goodness sake!
I'm doing this to save you work
What is it with this boy?
He defies belief
So you said you were divorced, didn't you?
Yes, fortunately, we split up on friendly terms
On the other hand, Marisa's husband Manolo left her without saying a word
Amador doesn't care about what Manolo did to me!
It's to show him what a nasty temper you have
On the other hand, my sister's been single all her life. I reckon she's a lesbian
No I'm not!
You lack experience, Vicenta, you lack experience, dammit!
Right well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do
Hi handsome!
Goodbye
It's not fair, they can't do this to Emilio!
But why do you care if you're not into him anyway?
No, I'm not into him, but...you get attached to him
and this really pisses me off!
Alright relax!
To get him to come back, we'll have to think of a way to get rid of that other man
But they'll never fire him if he's such a perfect caretaker
No, the idea is to get to him to leave of his own accord
Weren't those 3 nut jobs trying it on with him?
Yeah, you just have to look at how dressed up they are to see that. What of it?
I don't know, maybe 3 little love notes from that man to them
and they'll do the job for you on their own
Being twisted comes so naturally to you!
What do you expect? I wanna be an actress
Hey
What do you want?
Is Natalia there?
She doesn't live here anymore
Oh, well actually I wanted to talk to you
Erm...can you give me her number?
You're an asshole, you know that!
Right. Are you gonna give me her number, though?
Now I've lost track of her and she was so hot as well
See? That's what you get for being nice to people
Let's see what you think
Dear Concha, in these 2 days I've formed a deep...
and genuine affection for you
Perhaps this will seem bold of me
but I would love to spend an evening alone with you
An evening of passion in my new flat
If you agree, we could meet at 9 in the hallway
Please exercise the utmost discretion and don't mention it to anyone
Wear something sexy
Amador
Let me make something clear: I'm doing this for you and because I love you
Alright
Is my daughter there?
- Natalia? - Yes
No, she's out
Come on, tell her to come out
Hang on a second
I'm stressed, why don't we just grab her hair and drag her...
What is it?
Natalia, listen to what your mother wants to say to you
Sorry, come home
What was that? I didn't quite get that, can you repeat it more slowly?
I said it, you heard Juan!
Go on!
SORRY, I'M SORRY! Right
Sorry for what?
That's what I'm saying to myself! What for?
Tell her what for
Go on, you've taken the first step, now go the rest of the way!
Sorry for interfering in your life
and ruining a relationship that was going nowhere anyway!
Ok, good enough
Happy now?
Thrilled
Hang on, I'll go get my stuff
I'm very proud of you, Paloma
Hey sweetheart, don't forget the 1.5 litre tub!
I'm not letting that snob keep it!
I'm going
Ok, well I'm really glad that in the end you've worked things out with your family
Teaching your parents always takes time
Listen, please be discrete about what happened last night
Why? You didn't do anything you should be ashamed of
Or did you?
Hi handsome!
Good evening
I really like your idea about your flat
but we can meet here if you like
Sorry?
My son's gonna be out all night and my granddaughter's asleep
Why not come in for a drink?
Erm, I need to take out the rubbish
I'll wait for you here if you like
Huh? Oh ok, yes, you'd best wait
Don't be long, ok!
I'm finally gonna get to see your flat. It hasn't been easy for you, has it?
No, the thing is, until I feel a woman is really important to me
I prefer to keep my distance so as not to get hurt
Right, so you mean I'm the first woman you've brought back to your flat
No, not the first, but I can assure that very few women have set foot in that flat
Right...sure
Come in Sandra, I'll get the light
They put this light switch in such an awkward place...
What a lovely place!
You've got good taste in decoration
Well, I'm a great lover of interior design
Hello
Good evening
Here I am
Yes
I'm wearing what you asked me to
You know, I don't know how to do it but you can teach me, ok?
Look madam, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding...
Amador! Why are you taking so long?
What are you doing here!
What! He's meeting me!
No! He's meeting me!
You'll have to forgive me but I'm going to turn in, ok?
Because I've had a terrible day
Hey, let's skip the preliminaries, shall we?
What on earth are you doing in my bed!
What does it look like?
Marisa! What are you playing at?
He arranged to meet me, don't harass him!
Thank God I haven't signed a contract!
But where are you going?
Sorry ladies but this job is very poorly paid
Good night
Now look what you've done!
Yep, another one that's up and left without finishing the job
Hello?
Hello
But who are you?
Oh, are you a friend of...
No, I'm not a friend, I'm his boyfriend. Well not even that anymore
His boyfriend?
Yeah, and that's my dressing gown you're wearing and this is my house
He's in the shower
When he comes out, we'll have him explain everything
No, there's no need, it's all as clear as day to me
Shit!
Have a nice time the 2 of you!
Armando!
What's up?
What do you mean "what's up?" I've just met your boyfriend!
- My boyfriend? - Yes!
Fuck, my...my...what did he say?
Who cares what he said! Are you gay?
To tell the truth, yes I am...kind of
What are you playing at with me then?
Well sometimes I feel doubts about it but no, I am gay
It's not your fault, try to understand
You're an asshole and I never wanna see you again!
I don't understand why this shit always has to happen to me!
Ok
That's the perfect excuse, I'll have to write it down
Sorry honey, I'm gay
Look, where are you? In customs?
No, they brought me to a police station
They told me I can't leave the country without ID
Well call the embassy!
I've already called but they're not answering the phone. What shall I do?
Calm down, relax, I'll catch the next flight out there
I'm scared babe
For fuck's sake! Why the hell did she have to go to Istanbul?
when there are beautiful beaches right here
Hi! Look out!
Hey Lucía, don't freak me out like that!
What? Were you worried about me?
And about the flight
Aw, how's my favourite worrier?
Crap! What do you expect? I thought you'd hooked up with a Turk
With a Turk! What are you talking about!
Hey, don't laugh! I'm being serious
You went off out of the blue without saying anything
Yes sweetheart, but I had to, I needed to do something different
Well get a piercing like everyone else!
Oh I've already got one, look
What do you think?
Anyway, how could I hook up with anyone?
When I spent the whole trip thinking about you
Did you think about me lots?
Hello home sweet home!
Yeah I did actually, lots. To tell the truth...
To tell the truth...I'm a piece of shit!
I'm the most pathetic guy in the world!
Lucía, I need to tell you something terrible
What? What happened?
Well Natalia...
had a fight with her parents and left home
and somehow she ended up here and...
And what? Roberto, you're worrying me
No, I slept on the sofa
But I had a really strange nightmare and woke up
and I don't know why but I went into the bedroom and...
and you slept with her
No, no, no! Nothing happened
Well what then?
Nothing happened but it almost happened
I mean, I really wanted to
Ok, but you didn't do it!
I know but I couldn't get it out of my mind
It's like...I don't know how it didn't happen
It didn't happen because you love me
Right but I was this close!
Look Roberto, don't keep going on about it!
because I might be chilled out at the moment, but everything has its limit
Right, but we're getting married
Yeah
So we're supposed to be head over heels in love
but you go away for a week and I already start to feel attracted to other girls
But that's normal
Well love sucks then!
Right but I can't expect to be the only woman you're physically attracted to
Well I expect to be the only man YOU'RE attracted to
Sorry honey but it doesn't work like that
Being faithful is hard but it's supposed to be worth it
I hope so
I've got a great idea, let's get in bed right now!
Quick!
I couldn't agree more
Listen though, if I hear "Natalia" escape your lips, you're dead!
Hold on, what do you mean Amador's gone?
It's their fault!
He said he hadn't signed a contract and that the job's really poorly paid
Oh no Juan, now we're stuck without a caretaker again!
- And when you think how nice Emilio was! - Yeah!
Well let's get Emilio back then! Where is he?
He said he was gonna catch a bus to Córdoba
Come on, to the station before that idiot leaves!
Now I've gotta get the car out again! And when I come back, my space will be gone!
Paloma! It's in the disabled parking space
They fine you for parking there!
Natalia, fancy running into you!
Hey Lucía, how was Istanbul? Was it nice?
Lovely, really lovely. Are you going down?
Yeah
Ok look Natalia, how can I explain this to you?
I want you to know that I can well understand that you like Roberto
- Yeah, he's cute - He is VERY cute, right
And right now I'm going through a more chilled out phase, trying to enjoy life
and attach less importance to problems
Oh that's great
Yeah it is great. But if you go near my boyfriend again, I'll rip your head off
Have I made myself clear?
Yeah, don't worry, I get you. You're getting married and that's lovely
Right
Relax, I won't make Roberto do anything he doesn't wanna do
The question is: what does he wanna do?
Hey! You've been out ages! How was the dinner?
That's it, joke about it to boot!
What's wrong?
"How was the film? Entertaining, right? With lots of action?"
Well the first half hour was kinda slow but after that gradually...
Fernando, don't bullshit me! I met a girl coming out of the bedroom wearing my dressing gown!
What?
You have it off with her in our bed, jump in the shower, and good as new! Is that it?
No, it wasn't me. Armando's the one who was here with her
Armando sure, right! Why didn't I think of that before?
He's always to blame for everything
Who killed JFK? Armando. Who destroyed the Twin Towers? Armando
I don't believe a word of it anymore!
Hey watch out because Mauri showed up here earlier and caught us
I'm just warning you so...
Thanks very much, we're dealing with the matter with due care and attention
Oh ok then, that's put my mind at ease
See, I told you it wasn't me!
So you're such a good neighbour that instead of giving him salt, you lend him our bed, is that it?
No, I lent him the flat because he lied and said the magazine was his
So the magazine's yours then
Yeah I lied but I can explain why
I don't wanna hear it!
Well I wanna tell you, sit down!
Look, people at my work are starting to suspect
because a couple of female colleagues keep coming on to me and I just ignore them...
What colleagues?
What does it matter? You don't know them!
Yeah but I'd love to meet them!
Listen, I take the magazine to work to keep people quiet
What a fine image for a respectable lawyer to present!
So you decorate your office with the centrefold, do you?
What would you have me do?
I've had enough, we're too old for this bullshit
Mauri. Mauri! Would you mind telling me what you're doing?
What does it look like?
Come on, you're overreacting, don't move out!
No I'm not moving out, this stuff's for you
Either come out of the closet now or stay in there with someone else! I've had it up to here!
We've talked about this before
I can't take it anymore! I'm suffocating in the closet, it smells of old mothballs so you decide
It's not easy!
Yeah but it's not that hard either!
But it's a personal decision! And it's my life, got that? MY LIFE!
And you can't make me!
Ok, we're through then
Great!
And we said, "Emilio's our caretaker
and at the end of the day, we want him to stay with us"
Right, that and the fact the other one made a run for it
And as a token of our good faith, here's your contract
Fuck, it's got my name on it and everything! They're finally gonna know who I am in the national insurance office
Sign it!
Hold on, I make less now than I did before!
Of course because now you have to pay taxes
Oh, well actually I don't know if I'm that bothered about getting a contract
Sign it!
Alright, alright!
Yeah!
Thanks
Let me see if I've got this straight
Natalia spent the night in your flat and the 2 of you didn't do anything
and you still told Lucía about it
Right
But you also told her that you wanted to cheat on her
Exactly
In other words, you didn't cheat on her but you told her you would have done
Are you dumb or what?
But don't you realise?
This is called being honest and it makes couples stronger
Get a load of that, human relationships are so complex. Watch out
Belén, I need to tell you something really important
Well?
Well, sometimes I feel like cheating on you but I'm only telling you to make our relationship stronger
Hey, this works for people!
I'm going home
You don't know anything about relationships, Belén!!
You can see you've haven't had many
Hey, make me an omelette, will you
Ow! My staples!
Make me an omelette Belén
I'm not making you anything! I'm going home
Come on, let's make this quick cos the supermarket's gonna close
Right, you're already rushing me
Check it out, I placed candles to make it romantic
Yeah, very nice
Come on!
Coming, coming
Ow!
What's wrong?
Ow, fuck that hurt! I just got this sharp pain here
Let's see
Ouch, there it is again!
Ow, ow!
Ow, get off, I'm gonna lie down
Hey Emilio, if you don't feel like it, just tell me, ok!
Wait girl, let me see if it goes away
Let's see, where is it? Here?
Keep still for fuck's sake! I'm in pain here!
God, you're such a baby, it's nothing
Ow! I wanna sleep
We need to wait for the x-ray but this is clearly an acute appendicitis
Ow, I'm going Señor Juan and I won't be coming back
Relax Emilio, relax
If this gets treated too late, it becomes peritonitis and then that's you dead and buried
Thanks so much for the encouragement, dear
Wait till you see the scar they're gonna leave you with. This big
If something happens to me, have them donate my body to science
because I never got to go to university
Nothing's going to happen to you
Remember the money you gave me to change the boiler valve?
Well I kept it and bought myself some trainers
Never mind
I couldn't go with that on my conscience
Hang on, I'll come with you!
No, no you stay here because you get really annoying
You ungrateful moron!
Good luck Emilio! We'll come see you at the hospital
Does this gentleman work here?
No, he's a friend of the building
Right well I'm off because the supermarket's gonna close soon
I hate to think what she was doing with Emilio in his flat
if he gets her pregnant, we'll never get them out of there
How long are we going to be without a caretaker?
Well if they operate, he'll need at least a week's rest
Quit Señor Cuesta, quit!
But you don't even know what's happened!
I don't care. Quit!
Go back inside, you old psycho!
Look Juan, this is an upmarket building and we can't do without a caretaker
Ok, we'll call a temp agency and get someone to cover for him
God knows what they'll send us
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone, anyone
Every day's like this
and I couldn't imagine it when I moved here
All I was looking for was a bit of peace and quiet
And every day I wake up in the middle of a hurricane
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone, anyone
The house is falling down on me
The caretaker's nowhere to be seen
The neighbours watch everything I do
I can't take this place
Put together in a cocktail shaker
thunder and lightning, an earthquake, and a volcano
and you'll get this staircase
This is no kind of life for anyone, anyone, anyone
Mauri, if you want me to give you a lift, we need to go now
Wait a second, I can't find the watch you gave me for Christmas
Put another one on then. You've got loads of them!
Yeah but that one cost the most
It's just that I'm going to the bank to sort out the loan
And when the manager talks to me, I'll listen to him like this
so he sees the watch and thinks I've got money
You haven't put it away in one of your drawers, have you?
No, don't look there! I've got important documents stored there
Right
This does seem important
Law books have such strange front covers nowadays, right?
I can explain
Go on then!
Well, it's an erotic magazine
which you by simple logical deduction might assume to be mine
but it isn't. It's Armando's
- Armando's? - Yeah, the neighbour upstairs
I haven't even opened it. He asks me to keep them for him
because you know what his mum's like, right?
And he's got his daughter there as well, she could be traumatised if she saw them
So Armando, a 40 year old man, asks you to keep his porno magazines for him?
Yeah, but they're not really porn
It's erotic literature, there's no sex or dicks
No, if there were dicks, I'd be much more comfortable with it
But no, basically what you see are...
tits
It's a tit festival. And that one's got stretch marks
Yeah, I reckon the November edition is the weakest one
I thought you hadn't opened it
Well I flicked through it just like you
Come on, you've gotta put yourself in Armando's shoes
Divorced, single, and anyway this is so Spanish
Shall we go?
No, you go and I'll get a taxi when I find the watch
Hey, don't worry though!
If it bothers you that much, I'll talk to him and tell him to keep them somewhere else
No! I'm not worried
Fuck!
Morning!
Come on, show a bit of respect! I've just mopped this floor
Oh sorry!
As we don't have a caretaker, the least we can do is all lend a hand
Let's talk about it later because I'm running late for work
What, you think I don't work?
For God's sake Juan, what are you doing mopping the floor? You're the president!
Yeah but if I don't do it, no-one else will
Give me that!
Have you ever seen the President of Spain cutting the palace lawn?
Well, actually Felipe Gonzalez really liked bonsais
Fuck, the smell coming out of this bin!
Sure, we agreed that every day a neighbour would take out the trash!
I've got a bad back
Emilio's been off for 2 days and this is a mess!
And he didn't seem to do anything
Good morning, my name's Amador Carrión, I've been sent by the agency
Ah pleased to meet you. Juan Cuesta, president of the community
Paloma Cuesta, first lady
Let go of that at once please
Oh sorry
Here are my references
I hope you'll be fully satisfied with my work this week
Well, what shall I start with?
- With me! - For God's sake Marisa!
He's really hot, dammit
Paco! What's up man?
Check it out
Did they give you your job back?
Nah! I'm a businessman now, I bought the business from my boss
How much was it?
Nothing, it's not worth a dime
But now I've gotta pay the rent myself
so you'd better start renting movies now!
Hey, how about giving me a hand putting the cases out?
I've gotta run because my sister's left home
and I need to take all her stuff out of my room
Your parents must be happy about that
Yeah, you bet they are
See you later
See you later
Natalia...no way!
Sweetheart, it's understandable for Natalia to be angry
Maybe we were wrong to throw out that cradle-snatching pervert
She might have been serious about him
Serious about a 38 year old man!
No! What this girl's doing is challenging our authority
If it isn't Mr President and the First Lady!
We want to talk with our daughter
Natalia, your mum and dad!
She's been away from home 3 days and we haven't heard a peep from her!
Now all the building's found out about it and this isn't good for you as president at all
Yes Paloma, this is going to stop
I'll have to put my foot down now
I'm her father and from now on, I'm not putting up with any more nonsense!
I'll believe it when I see it
What do you want?
Sweetheart, come home for pity's sake!
I'm not coming back Dad
What, do you think you're cool because you've left home or something?
Natalia, let me remind you that you're under 18 and under our legal custody
And let me remind you that I turn 18 the day after tomorrow
Oh really?
But we haven't got her anything for it
I don't care how old you're gonna be!
For your information, we're not giving you a penny!
Let's see what you do now because the prince is already spoken for
Excuse me but she's very happy here and has a right to live wherever she wants
Who asked your opinion!
Sorry but we've got a lot of stuff to do
I thought you were gonna put your foot down!
You never gave me a chance!
That girl's coming home even if we have to drag her downstairs ourselves!
What a mess!
She looked thinner, don't you think?
Thinner my foot!
I've just had a hair cut and you haven't even noticed!
They're so annoying, they'll never leave me alone
Don't worry, we're here to help and support you with whatever you need
And if you need money, you tell me and we'll ask Belén for it
Hey, can I go with you to an audition and see if they take me?
It's not for you
You're really pretty, but short and very curvy
and nowadays they prefer slimmer girls who are more 21st century
more like me
Anyway, you wouldn't like it, it's such a competitive world
Right, I can see that now
But if you wanna make some quick money, the best thing would be get a job at the burger bar with Belén
That WOULD be up your street
Paloma! Your daughter's left home!
Not even your own kids put up with you anymore!
Better for them to leave home at 17 than still be at home at 40
If your daughter's living in my flat, you need to pay me rent!
Sure! Wait there a second and I'll bring it right out to you
Concha, can't we try and get along...
Quit Señor Cuesta, quit!
Mum, give me the keys to the garage, I need to take some stuff down
Where are you going with that? That's Natalia's
Well as she doesn't live here anymore, I need to sort out my room
Sounds good, right? "My room"
Come on, put all that stuff back where it goes right now
because your sister will be back soon
Mum, you've reached a certain age now when your daughters fly the nest
then the parents go too and the son takes over. It's a law of nature
I'll give you your laws of nature! Go on!
Get back to your room to study or do whatever it is you do in there!
Alright but don't get your knickers in a twist
Paloma, maybe the boy's right
Whether we like it or not, she's an adult now
Not for another 2 days, she's not. Anyway, I don't care about that
What's she gonna do without money or anyone to cook for her
to wash her clothes, and do her ironing?
Come back home which is where she ought to be
Us mums get taken for granted and it really hurts
And the only reason I'm not crying is because I'm wearing make up
Ok, what are we going to do then?
We'll impose a complete blockade
and in 2 days she'll be back here with her tail between her legs
That's what the Americans thought about Fidel Castro and look what happened there
I don't like her not having any money...
Look, you're very smart, that's why you're president
but who's always right in this household?
You
Right, so it's decided then!
Coming!
Fuck, look at the state of this place! Living alone sure doesn't suit you!
Where is it?
Hello?
Hi honey, it's me, how are you?
No, how are YOU? When are you coming home?
The day after tomorrow because we've hired a van to visit Cappadocia tomorrow
Oh great, can you shed some light on that "we" for me?
I met a group of Spaniards here at the hotel
Hey, Turkey's stunning, you know that
Come on, does this seem normal to you? You're driving me crazy here!
Sweetheart, it was something I really wanted to do, you have to understand that
Yeah I do but then I think about it and I don't understand it anymore
Don't be grumpy! I'll be there in a couple of days
I love you lots!
Yeah, I love you too, I hope you don't forget that
Well? When's she coming back?
The day after tomorrow apparently
Well start tidying all this up cos otherwise you won't have time
Fuck, there's no understanding this girl
First she made us move in together, then agree to get married
and now I've got used to the idea, she's gone off traveling by herself
That's it man! She was chatting to a Turkish bloke and she's gone to meet him
Come off it!
Yeah! Listen, I've got a girlfriend in Helsinki
I called myself Manolo and said I was a matador
I sent her a picture of Fran Rivera and she's crazy about me
Nah, if Lucía had a problem with me, she would have told me
Yeah right! She went off on her own and all of a sudden
That means there's something shady going on
Good afternoon Mauricio, I've brought you and Fernando your mail
And who are you?
Amador, the new caretaker
From now on, I will be delivering you your mail in person
Oh, well thanks a lot
Not at all, just doing my job
Oh, and if you need anything, don't hesitate to let me know
Ok, thanks a lot Amador
Have a good afternoon!
Mm, wow, get me a piece of that ass!
It's nothing special
What, seriously, don't you like him?
No, I don't look at men anymore
Since my husband died, I'm dead from the waist down
How lovely! Dumb but lovely!
Good afternoon
I'll take the rubbish down
Do you think you've got a chance?
I don't know what you're talking about
I'm the one he's into! I saw him checking out my legs earlier
Excuse me Vicenta, but what are you doing?
Bringing down the rubbish
Oh no, please, from now on, leave the bags beside your door
and I'll go round and collect them one flat at a time
Thanks very much
Not at all, just doing my job
- Bye - bye
Whoa! How silly of me!
Well? Have you got him in the bag now?
Marisa! You're so childish sometimes!
So all I have to do is go downstairs and say
"Hi, I've come for my magazine"
Right. It seems silly, right?
But it's important. I'll give it to you and then you leave
Listen, what kind of magazine is it? Cars?
What does he want?
Good evening, Doña Concha
It's late! You, come inside and finish your dinner!
Ok, well later...
Later what?
Nothing Mum, come on
Shit
Ok thanks
Sorted! Tomorrow you start working in the burger bar
Welcome to the wonderful world of cholesterol
Hey, what's the pay like?
Crap but we're never short of ketchup at home
Right, don't wait up for me tonight
Nacho's taking me out for dinner
What, are you celebrating something?
Yeah, we've been together for a week now
That's quite an achievement for her. She's like the top of a milk bottle
Very easy to screw
I can feel a certain jealousy in the atmosphere here
Yeah but it's healthy
- Hi! - Hi
Come in
I'll get my bag and then we'll head out
Oh Natalia, you're here!
Hey how's it going?
Yeah I'm here too
Huh? Oh yeah, erm...
Belén!
That's it, Belén
How are you doing then? Aren't you going out tonight?
No, I'm gonna stay home with Belén and relax
Hey, ready when you are
No, I brought a film round, I thought we could all watch it here and relax
But I thought we were going out for dinner!
Right but I was late in phoning the restaurant and there were no tables left
You could have told me earlier!
Oh well, never mind, let's put the film on!
We can have all loads of fun here together, right?
Yeah I agree
Belén, can you come to the kitchen for a second?
Do you wanna drink something?
Ok, I'll have a rum with lemon
Alicia! 2 rums with lemon
We like the same drinks
Belén, that girl needs to leave here now!
I don't want her as a flatmate
But why?
Because she's messy, doesn't help out, and has no money
Like you then?
Yeah but it's not the same. Just look how she's flirting with Nacho!
But she hasn't even opened her mouth
That's what worries me. She hasn't needed to
Finally you get to see how I've felt in all these years of living with you!
It's humiliating, right?
Whatever you say, but tomorrow she needs to find somewhere else
But we can't kick her out with everything she's going through with her parents!
Natalia's like my little sister
She reminds me of me when I left home
In what way?
I don't know but she does and she's not going!
Where have those 2 cocktails got to!
Look Nacho, I don't wanna watch the film, I'm going out
Ok
Don't worry, I'll get those drinks for you
Thanks
Remember this t-shirt, Paloma
I forbade her to wear it but she put it on anyway
Because that girl's always done what she's wanted and you've completely spoilt her
It's unfortunate that she's so pretty as well
I don't know where she gets it from
- Excuse me Juan! - Other than from you, of course
Excuse me, if you don't need anything else, I'll be on my way
Oh are you still here?
There's always lots of things to do on the first day
Tomorrow I'll come in a little earlier, I noticed that the banister on the staircase is a little rusty
and I'd like to put a coat of red oxide on it and then paint it
There's no need, don't trouble yourself...ok, yes, no, you do that
- Good night - Good night - Good night
Wow Juan, this man's a marvel, we can't let him get away
Well he does seem very competent but as soon as Emilio gets better...
Emilio's been here 7 years and he's never said anything about putting red oxide on the stairs!
And I bet it'll look much nicer with that
All I'm saying is we need a change of caretaker
But we can't change Emilio just like that
Come on, there's no comparison between that gentleman's suit and what Emilio wears!
Emilio looks like a junkee and a pothead
But haven't you grown fond of him?
Of course I have, and he can come visit whenever he likes
but your duty as president is to do what's best for the community
and what's best for the comuunity is for this gentleman to stay!
Ok but before taking such a drastic decision
first we need to consult the rest of the neighbours
Meeting tomorrow then
Paloma, we've got enough problems as it is
Meeting Juan, meeting! You'll win over all the neighbours!
- Hi - Hi
Erm...I've come for my magazine
Yeah, it's here, carefully looked after
Here you go
Into big tits then, are we? You naughty boy, you!
Huh...oh yeah, better that than a flat chest
Ok well thanks a lot, I'll be on my way with my magazine then
Have fun
See! Your problem is you never believe me
What are you doing?
Nothing, just going shopping
Why are you painting your face like a door then?
What about you?
I'm going out with my face washed like every other day!
You like Amador and you wanna take him away from me!
I'm not gonna take him away from he cos he's not yours!
You already met the love of your life
Manolo the love of my life! Come on, he was an asshole!
You should have chosen better then! Now it's my turn to have a romance
Well sorry sweetie but there's nothing you can do
We'll see about that
You could have told me it was a porno magazine!
It's erotic literature!
What a mess you got me in, man
Yeah sorry but Mauri caught me with it and as he wouldn't understand why I had it...
No, nobody else would understand either. Look, why would a gay guy have a magazine with naked ladies?
It's to take to work because a couple of my colleagues are pissed
because there are these 2 girls who flirt with me and as I don't pay any attention to them...
Hey if they're hot, give me their numbers! Anything for a friend, right?
So what I do is take the magazine and hide it in a drawer
and since sooner or later someone will open it, they'll stop suspecting and problem solved
Right, so you'd rather they think you're a pervo than think you're gay?
Yeah, it's much more socially acceptable, isn't it?
Hey, maybe you can you do me a favour
Sure, you wanna keep it, right?
No, look, the thing is I'm meeting a lady friend today
Well actually she's not a friend, I wanna sleep with her
and as I've got my mum and my daughter at home
it occurred to me that if you 2 go to the cinema or go out for dinner
you could let me have the keys and Bob's your uncle
Surely you're not asking me to let you bring a girl back to my flat?
Right, that's just it!
But why can't you get a hotel room like anybody else?
Hey, hey, hey! I got lumbered with that magazine thanks to you!
Who knows what I'm gonna say to Mauri now then
Right, ok, that's settled then, perfect
Sure, perfect!
Ok
Hey Sandra, you're on, tell your husband your mum's had another fall
Yeah, right, see you later
Come on
Ow, ow, be careful! Slowly!
Stop complaining and get out of the car, will you!
Seriously, I don't know why I bothered going to see you
Belén, they've put 7 staples in me
Wait till you get a Caesarian
Look, I'm going cos I'm gonna be late for work
That's it, leave me here to die
Emilio! You're looking great, mate!
Look at these staples, look
Fucking hell!
Hello, good morning
Who's this guy?
I'm your replacement for this week
I hope you make a swift recovery and will be able to return to work as soon as possible
What does he mean "replacement"? Have you taken away my flat?
No! Wrong!
You've got your flat here for you to rest and recover in
Come on, let's go in!
Oh what a fright you gave me
Emilio, don't worry because...just don't worry!
Everything's so clean! Have you bought the steam cleaner now?
Well...no, not yet but give it time
Trust me, you don't wanna have an operation like that
Now I know why all the female celebrities get so highly strung when they reach a certain age
Amador?
No, it's Emilio! He's returned safe and sound
Don't worry, I'm here now. As soon as they take the staples out, I'll be back to work
Right but there's no hurry, you recover properly!
We wouldn't want them to take the stitches out and...
you never know what can happen when these things don't heal right
Just look at her. When she was young, she fell off a swing
and look at the state of her now
When did I fall off a swing?
You got concussion! You don't remember it
Come on, let's go find him!
Come on!
I saw you're going to hold a meeting, do you want me to come up for it?
No, there's no need
You're on sick leave. Lie down and get some rest because you can't exert yourself
What's it about?
Huh?
I mean what's the meeting for?
Oh nothing, we're gonna decide whether or not to...
give you the inner courtyard so when we hang out washing, it doesn't get wet
Oh that's great, I'll have less floor to mop
Yes, much less
Right well, I'll be on my way, look after yourself, ok
Thanks a lot for everything
What a mess!
Shit, lying down's boring
Paloma! I'm going downstairs for a minute to take back the film to the video store
No! I haven't seen it yet
Oh! Well to take the trash out then
It's not full!
Well to get a bit of fresh air
Ok!
Fuck I made that hard on myself!
You're annoying, you know that!
No, I haven't come to say anything to you. Look
Your mother made some lentil soup yesterday and I thought...here
Thanks
Are you eating enough? You look thinner to me, Natalia
Yes dad, I'm eating enough
I also ironed you a few t-shirts and these jeans
They're those tight ones you like so you can see it doesn't bother me you wearing them
Thanks
And look in the pocket
That always comes in handy, right?
Dad, mind Mum doesn't get wind of this
Don't worry, she won't realise
Juan, I'm missing the 1.5 litre tub
What's that?
The lentil soup! The tub with the lentil soup, where is it?
Ah, I took it
What for?
Well because I wanted to have breakfast and there was no jam left
so I said to myself, my wife makes lovely lentil soup, why not have some of that?
Juan, tell me the truth
I took it up to Natalia
But what did you do that for! I thought we agreed!
You didn't give her money, did you?
No, no, no!
How much did you give her?
50 euros
She won't come back like that! She's better off now than she was before
All she needs now is for you to iron her clothes
You ironed her clothes as well!
A few t-shirts but I made a really bad job of it so she'll make a fool of yourself in them
Juan, either we stick together in this or that girl's gonna get the better of us
Are you gonna be strong or not?
Yes, I will, yes
Right well she can have the lentil soup
But I want the tub back and I want it clean!
And she'd better not put it in the dishwasher because it'll chip it
You're the one with the chip...on your shoulder
You're grounded!
Dad, you don't know how to lie, I'm gonna have to teach you
Can you help me with this?
Where can that man have got to?
Look, there he is
Yes, to be honest ever since I lost my husband, I feel very lonely
Right but I've noticed that here you're all like one big happy family
Hi Amador!
Concha, can we have a word with you for a second?
Yes, I'll carry on cleaning the staircase lamps
Look here sweetheart, weren't you supposed to be dead from the waist down?
So what? I've come back to life
You 2 have both had husbands
The only one here with a right to have a nice relationship with Amador is me
Or me because I'm really lonely!
All of us are lonely!
Come on, we're not gonna throw away years of friendship over a man, are we?
Yeah!
Oh really? Well in that case this is war
Fine!
Great!
What's up, son?
Dad! Damn you look so handsome!
You've cut off all that greasy hair you had
As the poet said, evolve or die
How are you doing then?
Look at my staples
Cover that up, dammit! You're so disgusting
You could at least have visited me in hospital!
There was a Champions League match on, dammit! You choose the worst days to go and get sick!
Right and what about Mum?
You know your mother can't stand hospitals
Ever since she had you, she's never set foot in one again
She couldn't care less about me. It's natural I guess with me being an accident
No, dammit, you weren't an accident! It's just that your mother was really depressed
so the 2 of us said to ourselves, "let's have a child!"
Right and how did it work out?
She got more depressed
Sure, no wonder I've got emotional needs issues
No! She grew fond of you over time
And you?
Me? So-so
Right, I'm gonna go sell books. Get up out of bed and stop being a baby!
Hey Dad, make me some soup or something, would you?
Sure, that's just what I was thinking of doing
See you later
Bye
Thank God I've got Belén because if not...
Oh my God, look at this pull-out poster
Are you nervous?
No
Look, as it's your first day, stick close to me and learn
Ok but how hard can it be to work in a burger bar?
Well people look down their noses at this job and it's true
it's shit, but you do need great skills
You have to take care of public relations, juggle
What do you mean juggle?
Sure, if you drop a hamburger on the floor
you have to pick it up without the customer noticing
Gross! I've eaten there loads of times
Well you shouldn't have! Number one rule of the burger bar: here nothing gets thrown away
Oh God!
But...but why are you dressed like that?
You're not working in the burger bar, are you?
What? Do you wanna end up like her?
Hey! What's wrong with me?
It's what you've been doing all your life but at least I'm getting paid for it
Ouch that hurt!
Now she's at it again!
Natalia, stop being silly and come home!
Your father's a wreck and his hair's falling out
I'm not coming back home until you apologise to me
Me apologise! What for?
I don't know, you figure it out. Come on, let's go!
Hey! Don't try and blackmail me! DON'T TRY AND BLACKMAIL ME!
And you shut up, you old psycho!
Don't call her, man! Leave her alone!
Why not? I need to talk to her. I need to ask her something
That's it, pester her
Lucía?
What's wrong?
A man answered
Well what did he say?
How do I know? I can't believe this!
She can't have hooked up with a Turkish guy surely?
Come on, don't imagine the worst! Maybe she's just been kidnapped
Hello?
Hi honey, it's me, I'm in the embassy
because I had my bag stolen with my passport, money and phone in it
What a mess, you don't wanna know about it!
Hey, her phone's been stolen
Sure it has!
Look, you're still coming home tomorrow, though, right?
I'm gonna try, sweetheart
Listen Lucía, if there was something strange going on, you'd tell me about it, wouldn't you?
Yeah, I'm telling you about it now...hey I've gotta hang up because they're gonna serve me
Mwah, I love you lots
Shit!
She says she loves me lots and she's at the embassy
She made all that up. What happened is you caught her redhanded with the Turkish guy
so she called you to sell you that pack of lies
Come on man, what makes you so cynical?
Experience!
Right, welcome everyone, let's begin the meeting!
Please switch off your phones and don't smoke
To have the floor, raise your hand, and to call names, raise your hand too
Thanks son
I really wanted to do it
My boy's so smart!
Hey, where's your girlfriend?
On holiday in Istanbul
What, has she gone on her own and left you here?
As far as I know, we didn't come here to talk about my life
Sure but now that we're here, go on, tell us something!
Sorry to interrupt but can someone tell me why we're here?
Yeah because some of us have got a date
First and only point of the meeting agenda
Traumatic and permanent replacement of Emilio
loyal caretaker of this building throughout the last 7 years
with Amador, his substitute, about whom we know relatively little
Right, I believe this calls for an in-depth debate and detailed analysis...
Juan sweetheart, you're rambling. Let's see, votes in favour?
Juan!
Against?
We're stabbing Emilio in the back here
I think it's terrible, I'm so terribly ashamed
- Mauri, watch it - Here we go again!
It doesn't matter, we're in the majority so Amador is the new caretaker
Ok then, now all that remains is to inform Emilio
Any volunteers to go downstairs and tell him?
Fine, I'll tell him myself
Mauri, do you wanna go to the cinema tonight?
What, go to a public place in the middle of this flu epidemic! No way!
We could come home carrying something
Well, I doubt it's that bad
Plus, you're sitting there trying to watch the film and from behind...you get that right in the back of your neck
No, anyway we've got loads of films to watch here
Hey, what about going out for dinner? We could book a table somewhere romantic
No, not today
Mauri, you're getting old, you don't wanna go anywhere anymore
Nobody wants to go out in this cold weather
To the gym! Why don't we go to the gym?
Come off it!
Mauri, I didn't wanna say anything to you but lately you've been looking kinda podgy
What!
It's only natural, when you spend all day sitting on the sofa
your body gets like an old man
I mean the butt goes in and the belly comes out
Hey, don't tell me that!
No I mean it!
Also, the more you let yourself you go, the harder you'll find it to get back in shape
In shape? Right, I'll start tomorrow
And to hell with the bread, no more bread
No! No putting it off till tomorrow because you'll end up not doing anything
Come on, get changed while I go get the car out
Don't be a pain, Fernando, I don't wanna go anywhere
Alright, I was only saying it to give us something to do
My butt hurts now and you've ruined my whole evening
They've made her a supervisor! And she's worked there ONE day!
I've been there 3 months and I haven't got past frying the onion rings
I told you, that girl's destroying us!
But I don't get it, what's she got that I haven't?
I don't wanna be nasty, I don't think you need me to tell you
Look, that girl can't go on living here, she's upsetting my mental equilibrium
But I thought she was like your little sister
Well my little sister can go fend for herself!
When she gets here, you can tell her to leave
Oh no! You tell her because I'm more sensitive than you
More sensitive! That must be when you shave your armpits
Hey, I'm gonna take a shower cos I'm whacked
Natalia wait
Look, erm...listen to what Belén has to say to you
Right erm...we're really happy you're here with us
And that comes from the heart, to me you're like my little sister
Yeah, to me too. The 3 of us are like one big happy family
What's wrong? You want me to move out, right?
No, it's not us, it's...it's Concha
Oh yeah, right, it's Concha
She says you've gotta go or else she'll kick us out of the flat
I reckon she hates your mum so badly that she can't even stand the sight of you
Ok I'll go talk to her
No! It's best if you don't provoke her
Ok but I can sleep here tonight, though, right?
Oh! The thing is you place us in a difficult position
Anyway, I'm sure your parents will be really pleased if you go back home
Alright then, I'll go get my stuff
Oh by the way Belén, tomorrow you need to start an hour earlier because you haven't changed the oil in the deep fryer
Don't you feel petty and mean?
No
Me neither
Anyway, we're here if you need anything
Hey, where are you gonna spend the night?
Don't worry, I've already got somewhere in mind
Hey, Lucía's not here, is she?
Er no, she's away on holiday
Perfect, you've got company now then
Hey listen, today's not gonna work
because I couldn't persuade Mauri, he won't budge
Come on man, I already arranged things with Sandra!
Right but what do you want me to do, drug him and hide in the boot of the car?
He wouldn't fit in yours, maybe in mine...
Ok listen, arrange to meet her tomorrow, give me another 24 hours
Tomorrow I'll get Mauri out of the house whatever it takes
Right, and what am I supposed to do tonight then?
Well I'll lend you my magazine if you like
That's not funny
Yeah, she's gonna stay at my place
You know, she's had a fight with her parents
so I couldn't turn the poor girl away
Sure, how good of you to sacrifice yourself while your girlfriend's away, you're so kind!
So she's gonna sleep in your flat?
In your bed?
And what are you gonna do?
No, no, no! I'll sleep on the sofa, nothing's gonna happen
Are you gay?
Of course I'm not bloody gay! But I've got a girlfriend
You mean Lucía's in Istanbul doing God knows what or Allah knows what
while you're here letting the chance of a lifetime slip away
Fuck man, if you don't make a move on her, you're gonna regret it
Yeah but if I do make a move, I'll regret it too
But you've already done it! It's better to regret doing something
than regret regretting something
that you thought you'd regret if you did it
But naturally you don't regret doing it because you didn't do it
and then you'll regret it because if you regret it...I dunno
You say something to him cos I dunno know what I'm saying here, I'm too sick
So you mean hooking up with Natalia is something that's never crossed your mind?
Well maybe without me wanting it to...
But no! Nothing's gonna happen
because I'm in love with Lucía and I'm gonna marry her!
And if you think I'm gonna throw all that away for something so stupid, you're very much mistaken!
Anyway, I'm not telling you 2 anything anymore
What do you think?
He'll never survive the night
Hey, did I show you my staples?
Ew, yeah, what the fuck!
Señor Juan, look I'm taking a little walk
Emilio, we need to talk for a minute
Yeah, don't worry, in a couple of days I'll be back at it with the mop again
No, look, the thing is all the neighbours met today
and we reached the conclusion that you've been here a long time now
and we decided that Amador will take over from you as caretaker
What? Are you firing me?
No, well yes, but this isn't a goodbye, it's just a see you later
with a bit of a goodbye mixed in
But you told me not to worry!
Yeah, I know but...that's the way things are
I didn't want...give me a hug, Emilio
You're my idol, don't you worry, I'll get by on my own
Anyway, you've already got enough problems
No, I'm not crying, it's just we've been through so much...
Come visit whenever you want, ok
Well, nothing lasts forever in life
What do you mean they've fired you? What happened?
The other guy's gonna stay cos they say he's better than me
Well that's not hard but it doesn't seem like a good enough reason for them to fire you to me
Would you come to Córdoba with me?
Nobody's going to Córdoba here!
Tomorrow I'm gonna get the tickets because my brother's waiting for me in the fishmonger's
Not that fishmonger's again!
Emilio, what are you and me gonna do now?
Well we could do it one last time if you like
You're in no kind of condition for sex right now
I am! I'll lie back like this and we'll just be a bit careful
Emilio! I'm being serious, what are we gonna do?
I don't know, Belén, I don't know!
Oh God!
Hey, do you mind telling me where you've been? I was worried about you
What, no I just went downstairs for a second cos I needed to talk..
I'm kidding man, relax
Listen Natalia, you can stay here tonight but tomorrow Lucía's coming home and...
Right, I doubt she'll be thrilled to see me here, will she?
Well traveling changes people but not as much as that
Hey, how are we gonna sleep because there's only 1 bed, right?
Yeah, don't worry though
You go in the bedroom and I'll sleep here on the sofa
Ok, if that's what you want, then sleep on the sofa
I don't mind sharing, though
There's more than enough space in there. You know that, right?
Right, but I'm fine here, the green's relaxing
Your choice. Good night Roberto
Good night!
Right look Natalia, enough messing around!
Eew, you're a terrible kisser!
What the!
What are you doing with my wife!
No, look...
You're sick man
And when do I get my turn?
No, Lucía, I can explain everything...
No, the thing is I've fallen in love with Hakan in Turkey and we're gonna get married!
No, wait!
BANG HER! GO ON, BANG HER!
Bang her! Go on, bang her!
You can't leave like this without saying goodbye to anyone
No, I've got my dignity and my pride
and I'm going with my head held high
Hey Paco, can you give me some money for a taxi?
Yeah
Keep in touch, ok?
Yeah but you guys call me because I've got no credit
Well Paco, give me a hug but be careful, alright?
We're gonna miss you man
Go on, losers, get lost!
This sucks so bad
Hello, good morning
Shut your gob you fucking crawler!
Come on Mum, do you think it's normal for him to have a magazine with naked women in it?
Yeah obviously Dad's got them too but he's not gay!
Of course it means something
Look, why do you buy home decorating magazines?
What do you mean you don't know why? Because you like home decorating!
Seriously, you drive me crazy sometimes!
Hey I've gotta hang up cos he's come out of the bathroom, I'll call you later
Right, are we gonna do something tonight then?
No, I can't do tonight either...
Mauri, you can't stay shut in here all day, you're like a circus
Let me speak, will you!
Alright, alright, sorry
because I'm meeting my friends for dinner
Great! Dinner with the boys!
Are you gonna tag along?
Me...no, because you know it'll be really lively with all your friends there
and I don't feel that comfortable in that kind of atmosphere
That's understandable in your case
No look, you know what I'll do?
I'll go watch that Iranian film by Kiarostami at the cinema
Kiarostami?
Yeah, he's the...the Iranian Spielberg
Fine, we'll see each other back here afterwards, ok?
Yeah, isn't it great? We've both got things planned for tonight now
Hi, is Natalia there? I've brought some chiceken croquettes
Natalia doesn't live here anymore
Oh really? Where is she then?
Thanks very much for the croquettes, though
Fucking hell! How am I gonna tell Paloma about this?
Why does everything always have to happen to me!
Paloma, I've got some good news and some bad news
The good news is Natalia's not in Alicia and Belèn's place anymore
Oh really? Where is she then?
That's the bad news, she's with him upstairs
What do you mean "him upstairs"?
She spent the night with Roberto
Oh God! Just what I needed to hear!
What have we done wrong, Paloma?
How do I know? I don't remember
I'm president of the community and my daughter's out there having sex with the neighbours
Well, I didn't want to tell you this but she's started working in a burger bar
Oh God!
What about all the money we saved up to pay for her to go to university?
Well look, I wanna get a jacuzzi with...
Paloma, please!
And just wait! When Lucìa gets back from holiday and sees Natalia there, it's all gonna kick off
Right! Well, every cloud has a silver lining
That way we'll destroy the snob
But I don't want to destroy anyone!
All I want is for us to be a family again
Where shall I put this?
Jose Miguel, stop taking out Natalia's stuff!
And you won't believe this but I ran into her yesterday and she tried to blackmail me
What? How?
Yeah, she said she'd come back home if I apologised to her
Well apologise then, dammit!
Me apologise to my daughter? Yeah right!
Paloma, either you apologise to Natalia or I'll give up the presidency
You wouldn't dare!
Jose Miguel, for goodness sake!
I'm doing this to save you work
What is it with this boy?
He defies belief
So you said you were divorced, didn't you?
Yes, fortunately, we split up on friendly terms
On the other hand, Marisa's husband Manolo left her without saying a word
Amador doesn't care about what Manolo did to me!
It's to show him what a nasty temper you have
On the other hand, my sister's been single all her life. I reckon she's a lesbian
No I'm not!
You lack experience, Vicenta, you lack experience, dammit!
Right well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do
Hi handsome!
Goodbye
It's not fair, they can't do this to Emilio!
But why do you care if you're not into him anyway?
No, I'm not into him, but...you get attached to him
and this really pisses me off!
Alright relax!
To get him to come back, we'll have to think of a way to get rid of that other man
But they'll never fire him if he's such a perfect caretaker
No, the idea is to get to him to leave of his own accord
Weren't those 3 nut jobs trying it on with him?
Yeah, you just have to look at how dressed up they are to see that. What of it?
I don't know, maybe 3 little love notes from that man to them
and they'll do the job for you on their own
Being twisted comes so naturally to you!
What do you expect? I wanna be an actress
Hey
What do you want?
Is Natalia there?
She doesn't live here anymore
Oh, well actually I wanted to talk to you
Erm...can you give me her number?
You're an asshole, you know that!
Right. Are you gonna give me her number, though?
Now I've lost track of her and she was so hot as well
See? That's what you get for being nice to people
Let's see what you think
Dear Concha, in these 2 days I've formed a deep...
and genuine affection for you
Perhaps this will seem bold of me
but I would love to spend an evening alone with you
An evening of passion in my new flat
If you agree, we could meet at 9 in the hallway
Please exercise the utmost discretion and don't mention it to anyone
Wear something sexy
Amador
Let me make something clear: I'm doing this for you and because I love you
Alright
Is my daughter there?
- Natalia? - Yes
No, she's out
Come on, tell her to come out
Hang on a second
I'm stressed, why don't we just grab her hair and drag her...
What is it?
Natalia, listen to what your mother wants to say to you
Sorry, come home
What was that? I didn't quite get that, can you repeat it more slowly?
I said it, you heard Juan!
Go on!
SORRY, I'M SORRY! Right
Sorry for what?
That's what I'm saying to myself! What for?
Tell her what for
Go on, you've taken the first step, now go the rest of the way!
Sorry for interfering in your life
and ruining a relationship that was going nowhere anyway!
Ok, good enough
Happy now?
Thrilled
Hang on, I'll go get my stuff
I'm very proud of you, Paloma
Hey sweetheart, don't forget the 1.5 litre tub!
I'm not letting that snob keep it!
I'm going
Ok, well I'm really glad that in the end you've worked things out with your family
Teaching your parents always takes time
Listen, please be discrete about what happened last night
Why? You didn't do anything you should be ashamed of
Or did you?
Hi handsome!
Good evening
I really like your idea about your flat
but we can meet here if you like
Sorry?
My son's gonna be out all night and my granddaughter's asleep
Why not come in for a drink?
Erm, I need to take out the rubbish
I'll wait for you here if you like
Huh? Oh ok, yes, you'd best wait
Don't be long, ok!
I'm finally gonna get to see your flat. It hasn't been easy for you, has it?
No, the thing is, until I feel a woman is really important to me
I prefer to keep my distance so as not to get hurt
Right, so you mean I'm the first woman you've brought back to your flat
No, not the first, but I can assure that very few women have set foot in that flat
Right...sure
Come in Sandra, I'll get the light
They put this light switch in such an awkward place...
What a lovely place!
You've got good taste in decoration
Well, I'm a great lover of interior design
Hello
Good evening
Here I am
Yes
I'm wearing what you asked me to
You know, I don't know how to do it but you can teach me, ok?
Look madam, I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding...
Amador! Why are you taking so long?
What are you doing here!
What! He's meeting me!
No! He's meeting me!
You'll have to forgive me but I'm going to turn in, ok?
Because I've had a terrible day
Hey, let's skip the preliminaries, shall we?
What on earth are you doing in my bed!
What does it look like?
Marisa! What are you playing at?
He arranged to meet me, don't harass him!
Thank God I haven't signed a contract!
But where are you going?
Sorry ladies but this job is very poorly paid
Good night
Now look what you've done!
Yep, another one that's up and left without finishing the job
Hello?
Hello
But who are you?
Oh, are you a friend of...
No, I'm not a friend, I'm his boyfriend. Well not even that anymore
His boyfriend?
Yeah, and that's my dressing gown you're wearing and this is my house
He's in the shower
When he comes out, we'll have him explain everything
No, there's no need, it's all as clear as day to me
Shit!
Have a nice time the 2 of you!
Armando!
What's up?
What do you mean "what's up?" I've just met your boyfriend!
- My boyfriend? - Yes!
Fuck, my...my...what did he say?
Who cares what he said! Are you gay?
To tell the truth, yes I am...kind of
What are you playing at with me then?
Well sometimes I feel doubts about it but no, I am gay
It's not your fault, try to understand
You're an asshole and I never wanna see you again!
I don't understand why this shit always has to happen to me!
Ok
That's the perfect excuse, I'll have to write it down
Sorry honey, I'm gay
Look, where are you? In customs?
No, they brought me to a police station
They told me I can't leave the country without ID
Well call the embassy!
I've already called but they're not answering the phone. What shall I do?
Calm down, relax, I'll catch the next flight out there
I'm scared babe
For fuck's sake! Why the hell did she have to go to Istanbul?
when there are beautiful beaches right here
Hi! Look out!
Hey Lucía, don't freak me out like that!
What? Were you worried about me?
And about the flight
Aw, how's my favourite worrier?
Crap! What do you expect? I thought you'd hooked up with a Turk
With a Turk! What are you talking about!
Hey, don't laugh! I'm being serious
You went off out of the blue without saying anything
Yes sweetheart, but I had to, I needed to do something different
Well get a piercing like everyone else!
Oh I've already got one, look
What do you think?
Anyway, how could I hook up with anyone?
When I spent the whole trip thinking about you
Did you think about me lots?
Hello home sweet home!
Yeah I did actually, lots. To tell the truth...
To tell the truth...I'm a piece of shit!
I'm the most pathetic guy in the world!
Lucía, I need to tell you something terrible
What? What happened?
Well Natalia...
had a fight with her parents and left home
and somehow she ended up here and...
And what? Roberto, you're worrying me
No, I slept on the sofa
But I had a really strange nightmare and woke up
and I don't know why but I went into the bedroom and...
and you slept with her
No, no, no! Nothing happened
Well what then?
Nothing happened but it almost happened
I mean, I really wanted to
Ok, but you didn't do it!
I know but I couldn't get it out of my mind
It's like...I don't know how it didn't happen
It didn't happen because you love me
Right but I was this close!
Look Roberto, don't keep going on about it!
because I might be chilled out at the moment, but everything has its limit
Right, but we're getting married
Yeah
So we're supposed to be head over heels in love
but you go away for a week and I already start to feel attracted to other girls
But that's normal
Well love sucks then!
Right but I can't expect to be the only woman you're physically attracted to
Well I expect to be the only man YOU'RE attracted to
Sorry honey but it doesn't work like that
Being faithful is hard but it's supposed to be worth it
I hope so
I've got a great idea, let's get in bed right now!
Quick!
I couldn't agree more
Listen though, if I hear "Natalia" escape your lips, you're dead!
Hold on, what do you mean Amador's gone?
It's their fault!
He said he hadn't signed a contract and that the job's really poorly paid
Oh no Juan, now we're stuck without a caretaker again!
- And when you think how nice Emilio was! - Yeah!
Well let's get Emilio back then! Where is he?
He said he was gonna catch a bus to Córdoba
Come on, to the station before that idiot leaves!
Now I've gotta get the car out again! And when I come back, my space will be gone!
Paloma! It's in the disabled parking space
They fine you for parking there!
Natalia, fancy running into you!
Hey Lucía, how was Istanbul? Was it nice?
Lovely, really lovely. Are you going down?
Yeah
Ok look Natalia, how can I explain this to you?
I want you to know that I can well understand that you like Roberto
- Yeah, he's cute - He is VERY cute, right
And right now I'm going through a more chilled out phase, trying to enjoy life
and attach less importance to problems
Oh that's great
Yeah it is great. But if you go near my boyfriend again, I'll rip your head off
Have I made myself clear?
Yeah, don't worry, I get you. You're getting married and that's lovely
Right
Relax, I won't make Roberto do anything he doesn't wanna do
The question is: what does he wanna do?
Hey! You've been out ages! How was the dinner?
That's it, joke about it to boot!
What's wrong?
"How was the film? Entertaining, right? With lots of action?"
Well the first half hour was kinda slow but after that gradually...
Fernando, don't bullshit me! I met a girl coming out of the bedroom wearing my dressing gown!
What?
You have it off with her in our bed, jump in the shower, and good as new! Is that it?
No, it wasn't me. Armando's the one who was here with her
Armando sure, right! Why didn't I think of that before?
He's always to blame for everything
Who killed JFK? Armando. Who destroyed the Twin Towers? Armando
I don't believe a word of it anymore!
Hey watch out because Mauri showed up here earlier and caught us
I'm just warning you so...
Thanks very much, we're dealing with the matter with due care and attention
Oh ok then, that's put my mind at ease
See, I told you it wasn't me!
So you're such a good neighbour that instead of giving him salt, you lend him our bed, is that it?
No, I lent him the flat because he lied and said the magazine was his
So the magazine's yours then
Yeah I lied but I can explain why
I don't wanna hear it!
Well I wanna tell you, sit down!
Look, people at my work are starting to suspect
because a couple of female colleagues keep coming on to me and I just ignore them...
What colleagues?
What does it matter? You don't know them!
Yeah but I'd love to meet them!
Listen, I take the magazine to work to keep people quiet
What a fine image for a respectable lawyer to present!
So you decorate your office with the centrefold, do you?
What would you have me do?
I've had enough, we're too old for this bullshit
Mauri. Mauri! Would you mind telling me what you're doing?
What does it look like?
Come on, you're overreacting, don't move out!
No I'm not moving out, this stuff's for you
Either come out of the closet now or stay in there with someone else! I've had it up to here!
We've talked about this before
I can't take it anymore! I'm suffocating in the closet, it smells of old mothballs so you decide
It's not easy!
Yeah but it's not that hard either!
But it's a personal decision! And it's my life, got that? MY LIFE!
And you can't make me!
Ok, we're through then
Great!
And we said, "Emilio's our caretaker
and at the end of the day, we want him to stay with us"
Right, that and the fact the other one made a run for it
And as a token of our good faith, here's your contract
Fuck, it's got my name on it and everything! They're finally gonna know who I am in the national insurance office
Sign it!
Hold on, I make less now than I did before!
Of course because now you have to pay taxes
Oh, well actually I don't know if I'm that bothered about getting a contract
Sign it!
Alright, alright!
Yeah!
Thanks
Let me see if I've got this straight
Natalia spent the night in your flat and the 2 of you didn't do anything
and you still told Lucía about it
Right
But you also told her that you wanted to cheat on her
Exactly
In other words, you didn't cheat on her but you told her you would have done
Are you dumb or what?
But don't you realise?
This is called being honest and it makes couples stronger
Get a load of that, human relationships are so complex. Watch out
Belén, I need to tell you something really important
Well?
Well, sometimes I feel like cheating on you but I'm only telling you to make our relationship stronger
Hey, this works for people!
I'm going home
You don't know anything about relationships, Belén!!
You can see you've haven't had many
Hey, make me an omelette, will you
Ow! My staples!
Make me an omelette Belén
I'm not making you anything! I'm going home