Animaniacs (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Episode #3.9 - full transcript
♪ Christmasy theme song playing ♪
♪ It's time for Animaniacs ♪
♪ And we're zany to the max ♪
♪ So just sit back and relax ♪
♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪
- ♪ Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- ♪ And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
♪ Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
♪ They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
♪ But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
♪ Our careers have made comebacks ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪
♪ Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
♪ A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
♪ Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
♪ And ethnically diverse ♪
♪ The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ You should see our new contracts ♪
♪ We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
♪ We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
♪ Socks again-y ♪
♪ Animaniacs!
Those are the facts ♪
♪
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ See the blazing yule before us... ♪
[singing continues]
[Brain grunts, strains]
Who... wants... eggnog?
GUARD:
I do... [snores]
[beep]
[whirring, hiss]
♪
[lights clicking]
♪ dramatic music ♪
At last.
[groggy]:
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of... ♪
Carol away, you warbling jobbernowls.
When I harness this antimatter's energy,
the only thing left to sing about
will be a merciless regime of subjugation!
♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha! ♪
All that remains is
to extract the particle
from its antiproton trap
without causing it to annihilate.
[whirring]
♪
[grunts]
Oh, ho. Success!
That's funny. I could have sworn
something would startle me
at just the wrong time,
thus foiling my...
♪ Check the stalls for hanky-panky ♪
♪ Narf-narf-narf-narf-narf,
narf-narf-narf-poit! ♪
♪
♪ Brain is looking mighty cranky ♪
♪ Narf-narf-narf-narf-narf,
narf-narf-narf-- ♪
Pinky! Do you have any idea how much
hard work you've just ruined?
Um... six?
This antimatter particle
was to be the power source for my,
- uh, you know, the whatchamacallit, the...
- ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
- ...doovalacky with th-the doodad?
- ♪ My true love sent to me... ♪
[angry growl] I know it had something
to do with taking over the world.
♪ On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me ♪
- ♪ Two turtle doves... ♪
- [growls] I can't remember.
This... this... not good singing
has breaken my brain!
[sighs] Being distracted
by crooning Kringles
for a full month of every year
is unacceptable.
I must put a stop to them.
Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
I think so, Brain,
but where am I supposed to get you...
♪ Five golden rings! ♪
...in this economy?
No, Pinky.
I must prevent the festive season itself
from ever occurring!
I must thieve Christmas!
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree... ♪
[loud munching]
BRAIN: The plan is simple, Pinky.
I will release a toy so popular
that it will end up
under every tree on the planet.
Come Christmas Eve,
I will activate
a secret subroutine
that will cause said toy
to steal all other presents
and bring them here,
whereupon we will destroy them all.
[thimble clatters]
Now, all we have to do is come up
with a best-selling toy.
To that end, I have done some research.
Behold!
The most commercially
successful toys of all time.
Ooh!
The slinky. Just a helical spring
with a longer-than-average
period of oscillation.
Silly putty. A non-Newtonian polymer,
neither silly nor a putty.
[putty yelps]
The yo-yo. One axle, two plastic disks,
and a piece of string.
The hula hoop! It's a hoop!
They're selling children empty circles.
The fidget spinner!
I don't even know what this one does
and according to the internet,
neither does anyone else!
Wow! Big finish!
These products possess
three universal qualities.
♪
They are simple, they are pointless,
and they're incredibly irritating.
If we can come up with a prototype
which embodies these traits,
we will have a surefire hit on our hands.
Simple, pointless, irritating...
[loud munching]
Simple, pointless, irritating...
♪
[angrily]:
Simple, pointless, irritat--
[loud munching continues]
Would you close your mouth when you chew,
you masticating malcontent?!
[choking, coughing]
[splat]
[growling]
Great Caesar's ghost, that's it!
Pinky! You are the most simple, pointless,
and incredibly irritating thing
in all existence!
Aw, thanks, Brain.
Come! We haven't a second to lose.
♪ fast-paced music ♪
For the last time, Pinky,
stop posing so... seductively!
♪ seductive music ♪
♪ fast-paced music resumes ♪
[beeping]
[printing]
Didn't I already sew this one?
[chewing]
♪ fast-paced music ♪
De-swolify him at once!
Oh...
Hot Mouse Summer
ended before it even started.
[beeping]
- [dial-up modem pinging]
- Say, Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?
[zap, whirring]
I think so, Brain,
but perhaps try Javascript
for my base code?
Nope. Too smart.
[zap, whirring]
I think so, Brain,
but if we evolved from monkeys,
how can there still be monkeys?
Too stupid.
[zap, whirring]
I think so, Brain,
but didn't we already
do a Christmas-based plot
in the Emmy Award-winning special
A Pinky and the Brain Christmas?
Too meta.
♪
[powering down]
Well, here's something
I never thought I'd say.
Pinky! I need your help!
In order to accurately replicate
your simple, pointless,
and incredibly irritating personality,
Pinky, I'm afraid
I must subject you to a full brain scan.
Now, a neurological map
for a normal rodent
can take months to produce.
[beeping]
So, I advise you to get comfortable.
COMPUTER:
Scan complete.
Huh. Well, that was a freebie.
Pinky? Are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
BOTH:
I think so, Brain,
but if love is all we need, then why do
I still have to go to the bathroom?
Yes. Why indeed.
[laughing]
[maniacal laughter]
[thunder rumbling]
Oh, uh-- I get it!
- [laughing]
- Pinky, I wasn't making a--
[both laughing]
[powering down]
Good idea! Santa won't come
if we're awake.
[snoring]
Come, Pinky.
We've a Christmas to thieve!
[Pinky snoring]
♪
♪
NARRATOR: 'Twas the day before Christmas,
and at WB,
all the workers were still working.
[screaming]
[mic feedback]
Because the CEO had slashed vacation days
in a bid to increase productivity.
The actors were acting.
The fans were adoring.
The teamsters were teaming.
It was all pretty boring.
But up in the tower,
this part will be fun.
The Warners were... sleeping?!
[snoring]
It's a quarter past 1:00!
Would you mind?
We're trying to get some shuteye
so that Christmas Day gets here faster!
NARRATOR:
Oh, sorry. What if I whisper?
Um... okay,
but don't get too ASMR with it.
[yawning]
NARRATOR [whispering]:
But waking the next morn, at 2:23,
they found zilch, nada, bupkis
left under their tree!
WARNERS:
No presents?!
What gives?
I mean, sure, we've been naughty,
but no more so than in previous years.
We've actually been
significantly less naughty
ever since the mysterious disappearance of
Hello Nurse and Minerva Mink.
Well, I think we all know
what we have to do now.
Learn that the true meaning of
Christmas isn't presents,
but love, generosity,
and good will to all.
[laughter]
"And good will to all."
Classic. [laughs]
But seriously,
let's go annoy Santa
till he gives us our presents.
♪
[zooming]
[neon buzzing]
GRUFF VOICE:
Unless you're the delivery guy
with my reindeer Wee-Wee Pads,
go away.
Yeesh. What's stuck up his chimney?
♪ heavy metal music ♪
Santa, you better not pout...
Leave me alone!
You better not shout.
SANTA: I said get out!
Wanna tell us why you're about to cry?
Fine! I'll tell you why!
I've been doing this for centuries,
and for what?!
Wanna know what Santa gets
for Christmas each year?
Complaints!
"Dear Santa, you got me
the wrong model of smartphone!"
"Dear Santa, do you really expect me
to play my new console
on a TV that isn't UHD compatible?"
"Dear Santa, coal is killing the planet,
you monster!"
They're just dumb, entitled kids.
[clang]
Uh, that last one is from you.
I've been taken for granted for too long.
I've had enough. I'm out!
Then who's gonna deliver
all those presents?
I don't know, why don't you do it?
WARNERS:
Us?!
♪
♪ Well, we could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But without your magic ways ♪
♪ There's no way we'd fit
eight billion presents ♪
♪ In this tiny sleigh ♪
♪ We don't know
how to make reindeer fly ♪
♪ And even if we did,
it would take us weeks ♪
♪ To ride from Puerto Rico to Madrid ♪
♪ Since we've only got one evening
to deliver all these toys ♪
♪ To a billion different households ♪
♪ Full of parents, girls, and boys ♪
♪ We would need an average sleigh speed
of at least 12 miles per second ♪
♪ That's not counting bathroom breaks ♪
♪ Unless this sleigh's got a poop deck
and I think ♪
♪ Prancer and the others
might burn up if we're that fast ♪
♪ Due to atmospheric drag ♪
♪ Just like a meteoric blast
cause these speeds would mean ♪
♪ The reindeer reach 3,000 Fahrenheit ♪
♪ They'd explode just moments into
our inaugural Christmas flight ♪
♪ And a sonic boom would work its way
through Dasher, Donner, Dancer ♪
♪ Soon engulfing Cupid, Comet ♪
♪ Santa, this can't be the answer! ♪
♪ See, the last thing that we'd wanna do
is make the reindeer yelp ♪
WARNERS:
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But we think we'd need your help ♪
Exploding reindeer is
a risk I'm willing to take.
- That's one cranky Kringle.
- No! Bad Prancer.
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But for us three Christmas rookies ♪
♪ That's an awful lot of milk
and that's an awful lot of cookies ♪
♪ Let's assume four choc-chip biscuits
and a pint of milk per house ♪
♪ That's 100,000 pounds of sugar ♪
♪ Only counting Laos ♪
♪ In Africa alone, the three of us
would have to drink ♪
♪ 600 million milky gallons ♪
♪ Which is just enough,
I think, to fill up ♪
♪ Every single pool in
Miami and Tallahassee ♪
♪ And Yakko can't drink milk at all,
the lactose makes him gassy ♪
♪ Before the night is out,
each one of us will have knocked back ♪
♪ Roughly seven trillion calories,
that's not including snacks ♪
♪ And our weight gain would be
somewhere north of six quintillion tons ♪
♪ Which would make our bodies
denser than the plasma in the sun ♪
♪ We'd implode upon ourselves,
just like three mini neutron stars ♪
♪ Each exerting the same pull
as all the gravity of Mars ♪
♪ And our mass would tear the Earth
into a million tiny shreds ♪
WARNERS:
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But think you should go instead! ♪
Okay, okay. Maybe you got a point.
♪ We could try to do it Santa, but... ♪
I see where this is going.
♪ Without using mass surveillance,
we would have no way of knowing ♪
♪ Which of all the girls and boys were
nice and which ones have been naughty ♪
♪ But the problem is this spying thing ♪
♪ Won't fly in federal court ♪
♪ See, we would need to put a wiretap ♪
♪ On every single phone
and log every single web search ♪
♪ And pilot every drone ♪
♪ Till we had a constant feed
of every single child on Earth ♪
♪ And with every single second,
Santa, five more moms give birth ♪
♪ See, there's just no way to spy
on all those kids all by ourselves ♪
♪ So we'd have to form an agency
from all your worker elves ♪
♪ With a team of thousands,
sure, maybe we could handle the load ♪
♪ Then one would surely blow the whistle,
though, our own elf Edward Snowden ♪
♪ Then, our crooked operation
would collapse in on itself ♪
♪ And Vlad would give asylum ♪
♪ To that loose-lipped little elf ♪
♪ And we'd take the fall,
we're not above the law in any way ♪
WARNERS:
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But we're not the NSA! ♪
[holding note]
♪ song ends ♪
[popping]
♪
Okay. If I agree to deliver
these presents,
will you three shut up?
No promises.
Also, we're gonna need a ride home.
[crank]
♪
[Warners cheer]
NARRATOR: Santa ran to his sleigh
with the young Warners three,
and he gathered up Prancer,
still trying to pee.
And I heard him exclaim
over sleigh bells ringing...
- [Warners singing]
- Happy Christmas to all,
and will you three stop singing?!
♪ La la la la la... ♪
♪
♪
[zapping]
Oh, can I keep me, Brain?
- Can I? Can we?
- Can I? Can we?
- I'll never forget me!
- I'll never forget me!
♪
[whirring]
[static]
Demand for the toy
has reached a fever pitch.
If you haven't gotten one,
you're fast running out of...
- Hey! She's got one!
- Let's get her!
- [mob yelling]
- ...time. Lisa Nopsis, Exposition News.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and throughout America's houses,
not a creature was stirring,
save for 122 million mechanical mouses.
I believe the correct term
is "meeces," Brain.
Yes, that's it.
That is precisely the kind of
simple, pointless,
and incredibly irritating drivel
which has allowed me to thieve Christmas.
[zapping]
♪
[zapping]
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
♪ Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy remix ♪
[robotic whirring]
[zap]
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
TODDLER:
Santa?
- [fizzle]
- [gasps] Santa? Where?!
[zap]
♪ remix continues ♪
[whirring, marching]
All those fools soundly slept
while their gifts, I retrieved.
Hark, Pinky, they're about to learn
Christmas is thieved!
[clang]
MAN: Our presents! They're gone!
WOMAN:
Christmas is ruined!
Finally, some peace and...
SMALL GIRL [singing]:
♪ Silent night... ♪
♪ Holy night... ♪
Ooh! My favoritest carol!
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
Hm. This better not inspire some kind of
clichéd, anti-consumerist sing-along.
MAN 1: Hey, everybody!
There's a small girl singing!
WOMAN: Oh! Should we join her
in a righteous moral stand
against the commercialization
of Christmas?
MAN 2: A solo singer?
Eh, for me, it's choir or bust.
Back inside, everyone.
One tiny vocalist I can deal with.
As long as no others join her-- Pinky?
Bran, I'm so sorry. I literally can't
resist this one. Bye-bye! Love you! Zort!
BOTH: ♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon virgin... ♪
Pinky, you festive fopdoodle.
POITY PINKY:
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
[door opens]
[Pinkies whirring]
♪
Huzzah. It matters not.
With these gifts destroyed
and Christmas successfully thieved,
not a soul shall join them.
[Pinkies whirring]
[click, beeping]
[creaking, clang]
♪ dramatic music ♪
Cast them into the fire!
[whirring]
[crackling]
[Small Girl and Pinky singing]
[zapping]
Ooh! My favoritest carol!
PINKIES:
Ooh! My favoritest carol!
♪
Pinky's neural emulation software
is overriding
my Christmas Thieving algorithm.
I knew scanning the brain of that
yuletide yokel was a mistake.
[zapping]
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
[marching]
Destroy them!
[flames crackling]
Second verse!
BOTH: ♪ Silent night... ♪
[fizzling]
[singing continues]
[angry growl]
Brain, I'm so sorry. I literally can't
resist this one. Bye-bye! Love you! Zort!
PINKIES: Brain, I'm so sorry.
I literally can't resist this one.
Bye-bye! Love you! Zort!
♪
BOTH: ♪ Shepherds quake ♪
♪ At the sight... ♪
WOMAN: Oh, hey!
The small girl's been joined
by a bunch of singing robotic mice!
MAN 2:
This I gotta see! Everyone, outside!
Christmas is back on!
ALL:
♪ Heavenly hosts ♪
♪ Sing hallelujah ♪
I stole all their presents.
I robbed them of cheer.
I ruined the happiest day of the year.
But now, thanks to
Pinky's pig-ignorant brain,
they're caroling louder,
and Christmas still came!
[angry growling, yelling]
Sorry, little Janey.
No miniature female figurine
for you this Christmas.
[grunts]
[flames roar]
Little Timmy will have to do
without his building bricks!
[grunts]
[flames roar]
As for little Brain-- Wait. Brain?
Well, I wonder what we've got this year.
Another mug with Pinky's face on it?
Or another... perfectly stable particle
of antimatter suspended in
a vacuum-sealed antiproton trap?
ALL:
♪ Round yon Virgin ♪
♪ Mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in... ♪
Bring us home, Brain!
♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace ♪
[cheering]
[Poity Pinkies cheer]
I, um, I think these belong to all of you.
[zapping]
♪
[rumbling]
[creaking]
[gasps]
[beep]
[arms whirring]
[crowd cheering]
[giggling]
Oh, Brain! It's the best Christmas ever!
And it's all thanks to you!
No, Pinky. It's thanks to you.
Mm... [laughs]
[grunts]
I, uh... I got-- got you this.
Oh. My. Goodness.
You got me...
Me! Whee-hee-hee-hee!
I used to think Christmas
was just another soulless,
noise-polluted commercial
sellout of a holiday.
[whirring]
[screaming]
You've taught me that the true
meaning of the festive seas-- Ah!
PINKIES:
♪ Check the stalls for hanky-panky ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-narf,
narf-narf-narf-poit! ♪
♪ Brain is looking mighty cranky ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-narf,
narf-narf-narf-poit! ♪
Well, I suppose a holiday isn't complete
without feelings of depression
and hopelessness.
Come, Pinky, we must return to the lab
and prepare for tomorrow night.
PINKIES: Why, Brain?
What we gonna do tomorrow night?
The same thing we do
every Boxing Day, Pinkies.
Overdo it on the nog before it expires,
and then try to take over the world!
[Pinkies laughing]
♪
♪
♪ It's time for Animaniacs ♪
♪ And we're zany to the max ♪
♪ So just sit back and relax ♪
♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪
- ♪ Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- ♪ And the Warner Sister Dot ♪
♪ Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪
♪ They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪
♪ But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪
♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
♪ Our careers have made comebacks ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪
♪ Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪
♪ A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪
♪ Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪
♪ And ethnically diverse ♪
♪ The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ You should see our new contracts ♪
♪ We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪
♪ We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪
♪ Socks again-y ♪
♪ Animaniacs!
Those are the facts ♪
♪
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ See the blazing yule before us... ♪
[singing continues]
[Brain grunts, strains]
Who... wants... eggnog?
GUARD:
I do... [snores]
[beep]
[whirring, hiss]
♪
[lights clicking]
♪ dramatic music ♪
At last.
[groggy]:
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of... ♪
Carol away, you warbling jobbernowls.
When I harness this antimatter's energy,
the only thing left to sing about
will be a merciless regime of subjugation!
♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha! ♪
All that remains is
to extract the particle
from its antiproton trap
without causing it to annihilate.
[whirring]
♪
[grunts]
Oh, ho. Success!
That's funny. I could have sworn
something would startle me
at just the wrong time,
thus foiling my...
♪ Check the stalls for hanky-panky ♪
♪ Narf-narf-narf-narf-narf,
narf-narf-narf-poit! ♪
♪
♪ Brain is looking mighty cranky ♪
♪ Narf-narf-narf-narf-narf,
narf-narf-narf-- ♪
Pinky! Do you have any idea how much
hard work you've just ruined?
Um... six?
This antimatter particle
was to be the power source for my,
- uh, you know, the whatchamacallit, the...
- ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
- ...doovalacky with th-the doodad?
- ♪ My true love sent to me... ♪
[angry growl] I know it had something
to do with taking over the world.
♪ On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me ♪
- ♪ Two turtle doves... ♪
- [growls] I can't remember.
This... this... not good singing
has breaken my brain!
[sighs] Being distracted
by crooning Kringles
for a full month of every year
is unacceptable.
I must put a stop to them.
Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
I think so, Brain,
but where am I supposed to get you...
♪ Five golden rings! ♪
...in this economy?
No, Pinky.
I must prevent the festive season itself
from ever occurring!
I must thieve Christmas!
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree... ♪
[loud munching]
BRAIN: The plan is simple, Pinky.
I will release a toy so popular
that it will end up
under every tree on the planet.
Come Christmas Eve,
I will activate
a secret subroutine
that will cause said toy
to steal all other presents
and bring them here,
whereupon we will destroy them all.
[thimble clatters]
Now, all we have to do is come up
with a best-selling toy.
To that end, I have done some research.
Behold!
The most commercially
successful toys of all time.
Ooh!
The slinky. Just a helical spring
with a longer-than-average
period of oscillation.
Silly putty. A non-Newtonian polymer,
neither silly nor a putty.
[putty yelps]
The yo-yo. One axle, two plastic disks,
and a piece of string.
The hula hoop! It's a hoop!
They're selling children empty circles.
The fidget spinner!
I don't even know what this one does
and according to the internet,
neither does anyone else!
Wow! Big finish!
These products possess
three universal qualities.
♪
They are simple, they are pointless,
and they're incredibly irritating.
If we can come up with a prototype
which embodies these traits,
we will have a surefire hit on our hands.
Simple, pointless, irritating...
[loud munching]
Simple, pointless, irritating...
♪
[angrily]:
Simple, pointless, irritat--
[loud munching continues]
Would you close your mouth when you chew,
you masticating malcontent?!
[choking, coughing]
[splat]
[growling]
Great Caesar's ghost, that's it!
Pinky! You are the most simple, pointless,
and incredibly irritating thing
in all existence!
Aw, thanks, Brain.
Come! We haven't a second to lose.
♪ fast-paced music ♪
For the last time, Pinky,
stop posing so... seductively!
♪ seductive music ♪
♪ fast-paced music resumes ♪
[beeping]
[printing]
Didn't I already sew this one?
[chewing]
♪ fast-paced music ♪
De-swolify him at once!
Oh...
Hot Mouse Summer
ended before it even started.
[beeping]
- [dial-up modem pinging]
- Say, Pinky,
are you pondering what I'm pondering?
[zap, whirring]
I think so, Brain,
but perhaps try Javascript
for my base code?
Nope. Too smart.
[zap, whirring]
I think so, Brain,
but if we evolved from monkeys,
how can there still be monkeys?
Too stupid.
[zap, whirring]
I think so, Brain,
but didn't we already
do a Christmas-based plot
in the Emmy Award-winning special
A Pinky and the Brain Christmas?
Too meta.
♪
[powering down]
Well, here's something
I never thought I'd say.
Pinky! I need your help!
In order to accurately replicate
your simple, pointless,
and incredibly irritating personality,
Pinky, I'm afraid
I must subject you to a full brain scan.
Now, a neurological map
for a normal rodent
can take months to produce.
[beeping]
So, I advise you to get comfortable.
COMPUTER:
Scan complete.
Huh. Well, that was a freebie.
Pinky? Are you pondering
what I'm pondering?
BOTH:
I think so, Brain,
but if love is all we need, then why do
I still have to go to the bathroom?
Yes. Why indeed.
[laughing]
[maniacal laughter]
[thunder rumbling]
Oh, uh-- I get it!
- [laughing]
- Pinky, I wasn't making a--
[both laughing]
[powering down]
Good idea! Santa won't come
if we're awake.
[snoring]
Come, Pinky.
We've a Christmas to thieve!
[Pinky snoring]
♪
♪
NARRATOR: 'Twas the day before Christmas,
and at WB,
all the workers were still working.
[screaming]
[mic feedback]
Because the CEO had slashed vacation days
in a bid to increase productivity.
The actors were acting.
The fans were adoring.
The teamsters were teaming.
It was all pretty boring.
But up in the tower,
this part will be fun.
The Warners were... sleeping?!
[snoring]
It's a quarter past 1:00!
Would you mind?
We're trying to get some shuteye
so that Christmas Day gets here faster!
NARRATOR:
Oh, sorry. What if I whisper?
Um... okay,
but don't get too ASMR with it.
[yawning]
NARRATOR [whispering]:
But waking the next morn, at 2:23,
they found zilch, nada, bupkis
left under their tree!
WARNERS:
No presents?!
What gives?
I mean, sure, we've been naughty,
but no more so than in previous years.
We've actually been
significantly less naughty
ever since the mysterious disappearance of
Hello Nurse and Minerva Mink.
Well, I think we all know
what we have to do now.
Learn that the true meaning of
Christmas isn't presents,
but love, generosity,
and good will to all.
[laughter]
"And good will to all."
Classic. [laughs]
But seriously,
let's go annoy Santa
till he gives us our presents.
♪
[zooming]
[neon buzzing]
GRUFF VOICE:
Unless you're the delivery guy
with my reindeer Wee-Wee Pads,
go away.
Yeesh. What's stuck up his chimney?
♪ heavy metal music ♪
Santa, you better not pout...
Leave me alone!
You better not shout.
SANTA: I said get out!
Wanna tell us why you're about to cry?
Fine! I'll tell you why!
I've been doing this for centuries,
and for what?!
Wanna know what Santa gets
for Christmas each year?
Complaints!
"Dear Santa, you got me
the wrong model of smartphone!"
"Dear Santa, do you really expect me
to play my new console
on a TV that isn't UHD compatible?"
"Dear Santa, coal is killing the planet,
you monster!"
They're just dumb, entitled kids.
[clang]
Uh, that last one is from you.
I've been taken for granted for too long.
I've had enough. I'm out!
Then who's gonna deliver
all those presents?
I don't know, why don't you do it?
WARNERS:
Us?!
♪
♪ Well, we could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But without your magic ways ♪
♪ There's no way we'd fit
eight billion presents ♪
♪ In this tiny sleigh ♪
♪ We don't know
how to make reindeer fly ♪
♪ And even if we did,
it would take us weeks ♪
♪ To ride from Puerto Rico to Madrid ♪
♪ Since we've only got one evening
to deliver all these toys ♪
♪ To a billion different households ♪
♪ Full of parents, girls, and boys ♪
♪ We would need an average sleigh speed
of at least 12 miles per second ♪
♪ That's not counting bathroom breaks ♪
♪ Unless this sleigh's got a poop deck
and I think ♪
♪ Prancer and the others
might burn up if we're that fast ♪
♪ Due to atmospheric drag ♪
♪ Just like a meteoric blast
cause these speeds would mean ♪
♪ The reindeer reach 3,000 Fahrenheit ♪
♪ They'd explode just moments into
our inaugural Christmas flight ♪
♪ And a sonic boom would work its way
through Dasher, Donner, Dancer ♪
♪ Soon engulfing Cupid, Comet ♪
♪ Santa, this can't be the answer! ♪
♪ See, the last thing that we'd wanna do
is make the reindeer yelp ♪
WARNERS:
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But we think we'd need your help ♪
Exploding reindeer is
a risk I'm willing to take.
- That's one cranky Kringle.
- No! Bad Prancer.
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But for us three Christmas rookies ♪
♪ That's an awful lot of milk
and that's an awful lot of cookies ♪
♪ Let's assume four choc-chip biscuits
and a pint of milk per house ♪
♪ That's 100,000 pounds of sugar ♪
♪ Only counting Laos ♪
♪ In Africa alone, the three of us
would have to drink ♪
♪ 600 million milky gallons ♪
♪ Which is just enough,
I think, to fill up ♪
♪ Every single pool in
Miami and Tallahassee ♪
♪ And Yakko can't drink milk at all,
the lactose makes him gassy ♪
♪ Before the night is out,
each one of us will have knocked back ♪
♪ Roughly seven trillion calories,
that's not including snacks ♪
♪ And our weight gain would be
somewhere north of six quintillion tons ♪
♪ Which would make our bodies
denser than the plasma in the sun ♪
♪ We'd implode upon ourselves,
just like three mini neutron stars ♪
♪ Each exerting the same pull
as all the gravity of Mars ♪
♪ And our mass would tear the Earth
into a million tiny shreds ♪
WARNERS:
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But think you should go instead! ♪
Okay, okay. Maybe you got a point.
♪ We could try to do it Santa, but... ♪
I see where this is going.
♪ Without using mass surveillance,
we would have no way of knowing ♪
♪ Which of all the girls and boys were
nice and which ones have been naughty ♪
♪ But the problem is this spying thing ♪
♪ Won't fly in federal court ♪
♪ See, we would need to put a wiretap ♪
♪ On every single phone
and log every single web search ♪
♪ And pilot every drone ♪
♪ Till we had a constant feed
of every single child on Earth ♪
♪ And with every single second,
Santa, five more moms give birth ♪
♪ See, there's just no way to spy
on all those kids all by ourselves ♪
♪ So we'd have to form an agency
from all your worker elves ♪
♪ With a team of thousands,
sure, maybe we could handle the load ♪
♪ Then one would surely blow the whistle,
though, our own elf Edward Snowden ♪
♪ Then, our crooked operation
would collapse in on itself ♪
♪ And Vlad would give asylum ♪
♪ To that loose-lipped little elf ♪
♪ And we'd take the fall,
we're not above the law in any way ♪
WARNERS:
♪ We could try to do it, Santa ♪
♪ But we're not the NSA! ♪
[holding note]
♪ song ends ♪
[popping]
♪
Okay. If I agree to deliver
these presents,
will you three shut up?
No promises.
Also, we're gonna need a ride home.
[crank]
♪
[Warners cheer]
NARRATOR: Santa ran to his sleigh
with the young Warners three,
and he gathered up Prancer,
still trying to pee.
And I heard him exclaim
over sleigh bells ringing...
- [Warners singing]
- Happy Christmas to all,
and will you three stop singing?!
♪ La la la la la... ♪
♪
♪
[zapping]
Oh, can I keep me, Brain?
- Can I? Can we?
- Can I? Can we?
- I'll never forget me!
- I'll never forget me!
♪
[whirring]
[static]
Demand for the toy
has reached a fever pitch.
If you haven't gotten one,
you're fast running out of...
- Hey! She's got one!
- Let's get her!
- [mob yelling]
- ...time. Lisa Nopsis, Exposition News.
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and throughout America's houses,
not a creature was stirring,
save for 122 million mechanical mouses.
I believe the correct term
is "meeces," Brain.
Yes, that's it.
That is precisely the kind of
simple, pointless,
and incredibly irritating drivel
which has allowed me to thieve Christmas.
[zapping]
♪
[zapping]
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
♪ Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy remix ♪
[robotic whirring]
[zap]
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
TODDLER:
Santa?
- [fizzle]
- [gasps] Santa? Where?!
[zap]
♪ remix continues ♪
[whirring, marching]
All those fools soundly slept
while their gifts, I retrieved.
Hark, Pinky, they're about to learn
Christmas is thieved!
[clang]
MAN: Our presents! They're gone!
WOMAN:
Christmas is ruined!
Finally, some peace and...
SMALL GIRL [singing]:
♪ Silent night... ♪
♪ Holy night... ♪
Ooh! My favoritest carol!
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
Hm. This better not inspire some kind of
clichéd, anti-consumerist sing-along.
MAN 1: Hey, everybody!
There's a small girl singing!
WOMAN: Oh! Should we join her
in a righteous moral stand
against the commercialization
of Christmas?
MAN 2: A solo singer?
Eh, for me, it's choir or bust.
Back inside, everyone.
One tiny vocalist I can deal with.
As long as no others join her-- Pinky?
Bran, I'm so sorry. I literally can't
resist this one. Bye-bye! Love you! Zort!
BOTH: ♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon virgin... ♪
Pinky, you festive fopdoodle.
POITY PINKY:
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
[door opens]
[Pinkies whirring]
♪
Huzzah. It matters not.
With these gifts destroyed
and Christmas successfully thieved,
not a soul shall join them.
[Pinkies whirring]
[click, beeping]
[creaking, clang]
♪ dramatic music ♪
Cast them into the fire!
[whirring]
[crackling]
[Small Girl and Pinky singing]
[zapping]
Ooh! My favoritest carol!
PINKIES:
Ooh! My favoritest carol!
♪
Pinky's neural emulation software
is overriding
my Christmas Thieving algorithm.
I knew scanning the brain of that
yuletide yokel was a mistake.
[zapping]
Must. Thieve. Christmas.
[marching]
Destroy them!
[flames crackling]
Second verse!
BOTH: ♪ Silent night... ♪
[fizzling]
[singing continues]
[angry growl]
Brain, I'm so sorry. I literally can't
resist this one. Bye-bye! Love you! Zort!
PINKIES: Brain, I'm so sorry.
I literally can't resist this one.
Bye-bye! Love you! Zort!
♪
BOTH: ♪ Shepherds quake ♪
♪ At the sight... ♪
WOMAN: Oh, hey!
The small girl's been joined
by a bunch of singing robotic mice!
MAN 2:
This I gotta see! Everyone, outside!
Christmas is back on!
ALL:
♪ Heavenly hosts ♪
♪ Sing hallelujah ♪
I stole all their presents.
I robbed them of cheer.
I ruined the happiest day of the year.
But now, thanks to
Pinky's pig-ignorant brain,
they're caroling louder,
and Christmas still came!
[angry growling, yelling]
Sorry, little Janey.
No miniature female figurine
for you this Christmas.
[grunts]
[flames roar]
Little Timmy will have to do
without his building bricks!
[grunts]
[flames roar]
As for little Brain-- Wait. Brain?
Well, I wonder what we've got this year.
Another mug with Pinky's face on it?
Or another... perfectly stable particle
of antimatter suspended in
a vacuum-sealed antiproton trap?
ALL:
♪ Round yon Virgin ♪
♪ Mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in... ♪
Bring us home, Brain!
♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace ♪
[cheering]
[Poity Pinkies cheer]
I, um, I think these belong to all of you.
[zapping]
♪
[rumbling]
[creaking]
[gasps]
[beep]
[arms whirring]
[crowd cheering]
[giggling]
Oh, Brain! It's the best Christmas ever!
And it's all thanks to you!
No, Pinky. It's thanks to you.
Mm... [laughs]
[grunts]
I, uh... I got-- got you this.
Oh. My. Goodness.
You got me...
Me! Whee-hee-hee-hee!
I used to think Christmas
was just another soulless,
noise-polluted commercial
sellout of a holiday.
[whirring]
[screaming]
You've taught me that the true
meaning of the festive seas-- Ah!
PINKIES:
♪ Check the stalls for hanky-panky ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-narf,
narf-narf-narf-poit! ♪
♪ Brain is looking mighty cranky ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-narf,
narf-narf-narf-poit! ♪
Well, I suppose a holiday isn't complete
without feelings of depression
and hopelessness.
Come, Pinky, we must return to the lab
and prepare for tomorrow night.
PINKIES: Why, Brain?
What we gonna do tomorrow night?
The same thing we do
every Boxing Day, Pinkies.
Overdo it on the nog before it expires,
and then try to take over the world!
[Pinkies laughing]
♪
♪