Animaniacs (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - International Mouse of Mystery/Aliens Resurrected/The Stickening/Everyday Safety: Giant Adirondack Chair - full transcript

♪ '60s Eurospy-style music ♪

Is that enough ketchup, Brain?

♪

♪ Brain... ♪

♪ International Mouse of Mystery ♪

♪ He is the smartestest mouse in history ♪

♪ Sometimes, his feet
are rather blistery ♪

♪ He's Brain ♪

♪ And he's always got a plan ♪

♪ He's the mouse with the golden tan ♪

♪ Here he is coming up ♪



♪ On land! ♪

[splash]

BRAIN:
CGI-ing in a six-pack
and a man's chin...

[beep]

emailing to the casting director...

Done.
The James what's-his-name series

is profitable precisely
because it's an endlessly repetitive

formulaic rebooted franchise

that relies on just a handful
of tired characters. Now,

when I'm inevitably cast as the lead,

I'll use the royalties to fund--
PINKY: Oh.

They passed.

[angry grunt]

Now where am I going
to find a profitable,



yet endlessly repetitive,
formulaic rebooted franchise

that relies on just a handful
of tired characters?

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪ It's time for Animaniacs ♪

♪ And we're zany to the max ♪

♪ So just sit back and relax ♪

♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪

- ♪ Come join the Warner Brothers ♪
- ♪ And the Warner Sister Dot ♪

♪ Just for fun, we run around
the Warner movie lot ♪

♪ They lock us in the tower
whenever we get caught ♪

♪ But we break loose and then vamoose
and now you know the plot ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪

♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪

♪ Our careers have made comebacks ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪

♪ Meet Pinky and the Brain
who want to rule the universe ♪

♪ A brand new cast who tested well
in focus group research ♪

♪ Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪

♪ And ethnically diverse ♪

♪ The trolls will say we're so passé,
but we did meta first ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ You should see our new contracts ♪

♪ We're zany to the max,
there's baloney in our slacks ♪

♪ We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪

♪ '90s video gamey ♪

♪ Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪

♪

♪

[alarm blaring]

[beep]

[yawn]

What?!

♪

DOT:
Wakko!

Have you slept?

Uh-huh. Tuesday.

It's Friday!

Uh-huh. Tuesday.

How many times
do we have to tell you,

aliens aren't real!

And how many times do I have to tell you

that not only do they exist,
but you've met them.

- I don't think so.
- You did!

You, too, Dot! They crashed into the tower
right over there!

Not ringing any bells.

Look! We even took a selfie with them!

- I'm drawing blanks.
- I got nothin'.

You sang them a song!

- Oh yeah!
- Oh yeah!

Those guys with the cool voices
and the lots of arms?

- They seemed friendly.
- But that's just it!

What if they aren't friendly?!

Wakko, don't be ridiculous.

If they weren't friendly,

then why would they offer us
nutrient paste?

They said they'd turn us
into nutrient paste!

Baby bro, when you get to my age,

you become a pretty sharp
judge of chara--

[items rattling]
[deep whirring]

Ugh. I do not have time

for another eclipse this week.

♪

♪ dramatic music ♪

[screams]

[grunting]

[people screaming]

[zap]
[yelping]

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!

I'm sure this is
some silly misunderstanding!

Ah, The Yak.
It is good to see you again.

Please head to the VIP
de-atomization clinic.

Tell the executioner you are a friend
of the Galactic Council.

He will give you an anesthetic.
[distant zap, screaming]

- Partial.
- A partial anesthetic.

[gasps]

De-atomization? Executioner?
Oh, that's not good.

Yeah, but VIP? That's very good!

- Eh...
- Eh...

Okay. This isn't good.

Say, guys? About this whole
"end of the world thing" you're planning.

Any chance you could, eh...

- not?
- Impossible.

It is too late, The Yak.

Based on your informative song,
the Council has determined

all the inhabitants of Earth are nasty.

- Very nasty.
- Very nasty creatures,

and must therefore be eliminated.

Good day, The Yak.

[people screaming]

- What do we do?!
- I've got it!

A song gave them the idea
earthlings are all nasty crea--

- Very nasty.
- Very nasty creatures, right?

Well, sing them a song
proving they aren't!

B-B-But, I haven't even done
my vocal exercises!

[clears throat]

Genocidal overlords.

Could we have your attention for

ju...

[gasps, gulps]
...ust a minute?

[sighs] Make it quick, The Yak.

Okay.

♪ Pyramids, aqueducts, civilization ♪

♪ Democracy, MLK, desegregation ♪

♪ Einstein, Alhazen,
their famous equations ♪

♪ No smallpox nor polio,
thanks, vaccinations ♪

♪ Nightingale, Curie,
the founding of nations ♪

- ♪ Van Gogh ♪
- ♪ Frida Kahlo ♪

♪ And us animations ♪

♪ Tchaikovsky and Mozart
played on violins ♪

♪ violins playing ♪

♪ To name but a few of humanity's wins ♪

♪ They aren't perfect,
they're still learning ♪

♪ So as you judge their worth ♪

♪ We only ask you
try to be discerning ♪

♪ Before you smite them
from the face of the Earth ♪

♪ Petra, the Taj,
and the Great Wall of China ♪

♪ The Three Gorges Dam,
the Large Hadron Collider ♪

♪ Confucius, the Buddha,
and Abraham Lincoln ♪

♪ Plato and Sun Tzu,
they got people thinking ♪

♪ Austen and Shelley,
those three Bronte sisters ♪

- ♪ Kurosawa, Casablanca ♪
- ♪ And don't forget Twister ♪

♪ Elvis and Freddie,
Adele when she sings ♪

♪ These are a few of humanity's wins ♪

ALL: ♪ They aren't perfect,
but they're trying ♪

♪ I know you've got your doubts ♪

♪ Maybe just give them
a chance at complying ♪

♪ Before you go and wipe them all out! ♪

♪

Uh-oh! They've taken Ralph
into the de-atomizer.

They start on the brain first,
so we do not have much time!

♪

♪ Renewable energy, green power stations ♪

♪ Endangered species and deforestation ♪

♪ The internet, smart phones,
the United Nations ♪

♪ Major oil spills,
coral reef devastation ♪

DOT: ♪ Astronauts watching
the Earth as it spins ♪

♪ Those don't excuse
all humanity's sins ♪

♪

ALL: ♪ They aren't perfect,
but they're improving ♪

♪ It takes time to advance ♪

♪ But just look at the direction
that they're moving ♪

♪ And maybe give 'em one more ♪

♪ Chance! ♪

[fireworks popping]

[panting]

Are you crying?

No! Just this planet is very dusty...

Oh, you got something in your eye?

No! Dusty was the name
of my first pet, who I loved.

So, you were crying, but about your pet?

No! It's just that I was
allergic to my sweet Dusty,

and just being reminded of--

So, your eyes got watery
at the memory of an allergy?

- No! I--
- Give it up, pal.

Fine. I was crying because of the song.

Twister was a great movie!

Very well, The Yak.

We will spare your Earth people for now,

but do us one favor.

Anything for my purple,
bloodthirsty friend!

Tell them if they continue
with "the stuff that's bad,"

we will return.

And next time, we will be ruthless.

BOTH:
Very ruthless.

[whirring]

[people screaming]

[grunting]

[zapping, whirring]

♪

We're definitely gonna
see them again, aren't we?

- Yep.
- Yep.

♪

[laughter]

Margaret just has one more semester,

and then she'll be Dr. Jones.

Oh, well. You must be so proud.

Hank just took a job
at a new tech company.

Company car. Stock options.

The whole shebang.

That's incredible.

So, Peggy, how's Joe doing?

GRUFF MALE:
Hey, Mom!

♪

Hey, listen, can you bring home
the leftovers from the party tonight?

Sure, sweetie.

Ah, you're the best, Mom.

♪

Well... [nervous laugh]
He's a late bloomer! [giggles]

♪

♪

♪

Whee!

Ah... A day at the amusement park.

The rides, the prizes...

The gum stuck to various surfaces.

- You know you can get that fresh?
- It is fresh!

What's more relevant than recycling?

- [loud chewing]
- Oh!

The teacup ride, the teacup ride!

Can we go on it? Huh, huh, huh?
Can we, please?

Can we spin around and pretend we're tea?
Please, please?

Can we? I wanna be in
a giant teacup so bad!

[gasps] Oh, I love
throwing up on the teacup ride!

Hold on! Let me eat more lollipops
and hot dogs first!

♪

Hm...

I was thinking about the log flume.

Oh, I love throwing up on the log flume!

Suit yourself.
We'll meet back in one hour.

- Synchronize watches?
- Uh, I forgot my watch.

Can we synchronize swatches instead?

WARNERS:
Hm...

Synchronized!

Ah, alone time.

Maybe I'll write a meditative poem

on the changing seasons.

Nah, I'll just ride the teacups around
until I'm stupidly dizzy.

[struggling]

No fair!

Yeah. More of a carnival.

Your lollipop is stuck on my head!

- [struggling]
- Your head is stuck on my lollipop!

I'm inclined to solve
this problem with brute force,

giving absolutely no thought
to how it may escalate the situation.

Sounds good to me.

One, two, three, pull!

[groaning]
Pull!

[grunts]

Yeah, that tracks.

- [buzzing]
- Hm?

I've got it.

[chainsaw buzzing]

[clang]

[nervous laugh]

Get off my noggin!

I have teacups to ride!

[jackhammering]

YAKKO/WAKKO:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[giggling]

Ooh! [grunts] Why no floaty?

[grunting]

[Warners screaming]

[grunts]

The rides here
are rougher than I remember.

[crying]
Why... no... floaty?

[sobbing]

Stop! Stop! Stop!

I'll buy you another one!

[crying continues]

Can I get a balloon, please?

♪

[sobbing]

Gimme another!

[continues sobbing]

Dah!

[gasping]

[panting] Huh?

This is not getting me
any closer to the teacups.

WAKKO:
But what a view!

If you'll look out to the left side now,
ladies and gents,

you'll be treated
to the view of a hideous bird.

[graceless caw]

♪

[wind blowing]

You can do it, little pigeon!

[frantic flapping]

[all screaming]

You know--

[Warners yelling]

[grunts]

[yelps]

Perfect!

Everybody okay up there?

- WOMAN: No!
- Could be worse.

[caw]

DOT:
Great! Here we go!

♪

One for the teacups, please.

Excuse me,
I'm not great at talking to girls,

but should I tell you
that there's an entire lollipop

stuck in your hair?

And a woman and some garbage
and a pigeon and two...

maybe are they dogs?

♪

That's why they always say

nobody gets between Dot Warner

and her giant teacup.

Do they say that? Do people say that?

Well, I think it's catching on.

[whirring]

[whistling]

♪

Woo-hoo! Yay!

Hey! That's a prescription hat!

Dude,

that mustache is my whole personality.

- [clang]
- Well, there goes our weird helmet party.

Woo-hoo! [laughing]

As I think I mentioned
at the top of the sketch...

[gulps]

He's gonna blow!

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪

[retching]

I love the fair.

Yes! [laughing]

[maniacal laughing]

[wind blowing]
[laughter continues]

♪ When the whip-poor-will
whippers in the wind ♪

♪ The wind can whipper back,
oh, nice and chubby baby! ♪

Ah! Clown!

Maybe we wanna hop off the teacup, sis?

Might have a situation developing here.

- Yay! Yes! Woo-hoo!
- Welp, too late.

♪

[Pinky giggles]
[Brain yells]

[screaming]

Conjure a rat army--

[yelps]

[boom]

Talk about going out
with a big bang, huh?

♪

♪

CROWD:
We want Slappy! We want Slappy!

[annoyed growl]

[crowd continues chanting]

♪

"Move to Pensacola," they said.

"It'll be quiet in Pensacola," they said.

CROWD:
We want Slappy! We want Slappy!

[helicopter whirring]
We want Slappy! We want Slappy!

We want Slappy!

Would you knock it off already?!

Can't you see I'm trying
to retire in peace?

And here's your fan mail back.

Who actually writes letters anymore?

I knew my fans were crazy,
but now I can see you're just plain nuts.

Hey! She's still got it!

[laughing, cheering]

[sighs] For the love of Pete Puma.

[crowd cheering]
FAN: We love you, Slappy!

[static buzzing]

♪ retro upbeat music ♪

Safety. You can live without it,

but not for very long.

That's why we're here to give you
everyday safety tips

for the most common emergencies.

Tonight, what to do if you find yourself

stranded on a giant Adirondack chair

in an open meadow...

with nobody around.

At first, you'll be asking
yourself all kinds of questions.

For example, is this safe?
Where did the chair come from?

Did ancient giants bring it here
to worship it like Stonehenge?

[crash]

Why is it called a "henge" anyway?

But don't worry.

All you need is a saw,

sunblock, a map, a guitar,

the top-selling business book,

and a gallon jug of hair regrowth formula.

First, use the sunblock
for sun protection.

♪ music continues ♪

You don't want the chair to get ruined
by those harmful UV rays.

[farts]

Plus, you'll make it
slippery enough to slide around on.

Ah!

[yelling]

This will be a good way
to pass the time safely

as you wait for the hawks,

who like to hunt for lunch
between 11:00 and 1:00.

Now's a good time
to break out that saw

and build yourself
a conference room table.

As the hawks swoop down
to peck out your brains...

[screeching]

...bust out your guitar like
the annoying guy on a college quad.

♪ Please refrain
from pecking my brain ♪

♪ And have a seat
'cause we're not meat ♪

[chirps, squawks]

Then, simply use your knowledge

from chapter eight of the business book

Negotiating with Tactical Silence.

Bargain with the hawks
by harnessing the power of

quiet intimidation.

[clock ticking]

[quiet squawking]

[annoyed squawks]

By saying nothing,

you're signaling
your willingness to walk away.

[ticking continues]

Congratulations!
The hawks have just agreed

to be your personal courier service
for three years.

Weekends and holidays included.

The job starts today!
[chirping]

YAKKO:
Circle your location on the map

and add something
to grab people's attention.

Then, use a string from your guitar
to tie the map to a hawk

and have them drop it off in the big city.
[squawks]

[screeching]
WAKKO: All that's left to do now is wait.

♪

[animals chirping]
[electric whirring]

Ah-ha! Some tech bros
looking for an opportunity

to network with venture capitalists
found the map!

Money party!

[tires screech]

Hey! Is Elon there?

It's the perfect time to deploy
your hair regrowth formula.

[chugging]

♪ retro music continues ♪

[cheering]

I know what you're thinking.

How can we throw a money party
without Bluegrass music?

Well, Dot, in any financial crisis,

it's important not to let
anything go to waste.

That's where this empty jug comes in.

[rhtymic blowing]

♪ Bluegrass music ♪

[cheering]

Your guests are going to get sweaty
from dancing and making it rain.

They'll probably want some water.

[cheering]
And that's when you tell them

we're all stuck
on a giant Adirondack chair,

and there's nothing to drink!
[screaming]

DOT: Don't panic.

When you've got
partygoers from the big city

who have money to throw around,
and no sense of rhythm,

there's a good chance one of them
is heir to a candy bar fortune.

He'll call his wealthy uncle for help.

YAKKO:
Hooray! We're saved!

♪

Huh? [panicking]

[screaming]

Mm!
DOT/YAKKO: Wakko, No!

[all screaming]

Tune in next time
when we teach you what to do

when you wake up with a stiff neck,

so you can't see the meteor coming and--
[screaming]

Next time? We don't even know
if there's gonna be a next time

because our show hasn't been
renewed for more seasons yet.

But why?!
I thought people liked us!

We're all about to die!

Well, that's a bit dramatic,
but I know how you feel, sis.

Animaniacs brings laughter and hope

to so many across the globe.

So without it, yes,
a little piece of all of us would die.

No. We're really all about to die.

♪ dramatic music ♪

Oh. Well, if that's the case,

we better think of a good way
to end the show.

There's a lot of pressure
on our last lines.

Ooh, I know! What about--

♪ upbeat retro music ♪

♪