Animaniacs (1993–1998): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Carpool/The Sunshine Squirrels - full transcript

ANNOUNCER:
Newsreel of the Stars.

Dateline Hollywood, 1930,
the Warner Bros. Studio.

Here at the studio's
new Animation Department…

the artists toil endlessly
to come up with cartoon stars…

ultimately creating
three new characters…

the Warner brothers
and their sister, Dot.

WARNERS: Hello, Nurse.

ANNOUNCER: Unfortunately, the
Warner kids were totally out of control.

ALL:
Boinky, boinky, boinky, boinky!

ANNOUNCER:
The trio ran amok throughout the studio…

until their capture.



The Warners' films,
which made absolutely no sense…

were locked away in the studio vault,
never to be released.

As for the Warners themselves, they were
locked away in the studio water tower…

also never to be released.

Publicly, the studio has disavowed
any knowledge of the Warners' existence…

to this very day,
when the Warners escaped.

[SINGING]
It's time for Animaniacs.

And we're zany to the max.

So just sit back and relax
You'll laugh till you collapse.

We're Animaniacs.

- Come join the Warner brothers.
- And the Warner sister, Dot.

Just for fun we run around
The Warner movie lot.

They lock us in the tower
Whenever we get caught.

But we break loose and then vamoose
And now you know the plot.



We're Animaniacs.

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks

Wakko packs away the snacks
We pay tons of income tax.

We're Animaniacs.

Meet Ralph and Dr. Scratch an sniff
Say hi to Hello, Nurse.

Good feathers flock together
Slappy whacks them with her purse.

Buttons chases Mindy
While Rita sings a verse.

The writers flipped, we have no script
Why bother to rehearse?

We're Animaniacs.

We have pay-or-play contracts.

We're zany to the max
There's bologna in our slacks.

We're Animan-y.

Totally insane-y.

Here's the show's name-y

Animaniacs.

Those are the facts.

- Morning, Phil.
- Morning, Jan.

Morning, Phil. Morning, Jan.

BOTH: Morning, Ed.

Um, anybody know
the new carpoolers?

No. We're supposed to pick them up
in front of a water tower.

It's around the corner.

[HONKING]

DOT: We're on our way. Hold on.
YAKKO: We'll be right there.

DOT: We'll be right there.
YAKKO: We're coming.

- WAKKO: Excuse me.
- Morning, Jan.

ED: Hey.
YAKKO: Sorry about that.

- WAKKO: Hi, Ed.
- Oops. Coming through.

- How's the missus?
- WAKKO: Look out.

DOT: Pardon me. My fault. Super.
WAKKO: Good to see you, guys. Heh-heh.

- Do you mind if I sit over there?
- Not at all.

- Excuse me, Ed.
- Sorry about that.

YAKKO: Coming through.
DOT: Here we go.

- ED: Unh!
- Interesting tie.

Dot, I think I'd rather sit next
to the window. Do you mind?

No, go right ahead.

- Excuse me, Ed.
- One more time.

- Coming through. I love a room with a view.
- DOT: Look out.

Knock it off.
We're in a car here. Just pick your seats.

Will they let us do that on TV?

Good night, everybody.

Forget it. Look, you wanna sit here?

Fine, I'll move over.

You can sit there and you can sit next
to the window, okay? Everyone happy?

Is there anything else you'd like?

Yeah. My breakfast.
I have a bagel with cream cheese on it.

- 50?
- So you're sitting on it, Ed.

Oh! Ugh!

These pants were just cleaned.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Okay, then.

[GULPS]

Oh, did you want a bite?

Just drive, Phil, okay? Just drive.

[GRUNTS]

Say, Ed, are you reading
the business section right now?

Well, I YAKKO: Thanks.

How about the funnies? ED: Huh?

Can I see Entertainment?

- Do you have Sports?
- Classifieds?

- Metro?
- Do you have the front page?

Thank you.

All right, enough.

Now, just let me
read my paper in peace. Huh?

Hey. I didn't get any paper at all.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here you go. And there's plenty more
where that came from.

[GROWLING]

[WAKKO LAUGHING]

YAKKO:
What's Wakko looking at, the funnies?

No, it's a picture in the business section
of Ted Turner.

[LAUGHING]

Let me see that.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, look at him. What's he doing?

Give me those back.
You can read it when I'm done.

I'm already done.
I just wanted the coupons.

[GRUNTING]

Are you gonna eat that, Ed?

What? No.

May 1?

Why would you eat it?

It's just my own special way
of recycling.

Ugh! Leave me alone.

[GRUNTING]

Excuse me, Ed,
but I think you have my seat belt.

No, I think that one's yours.

But it won't snap in.

Maybe I have yours.

No, yours would be over there.
This one's mine.

YAKKO:
Why don't you try this one?

DOT: All right, here we go.

YAKKO: Okay, let's go. Come on.

DOT: All right,
I've seen this done professionally.

ED: All right, that's it.

Phil, stop the car.

Jan, would you please switch?

You two in front.

Yeah.

Jan, get in the back with me.

JAN: Oh, for goodness' sake, Ed,
don't have a hissy fit.

Hello, business lady nurse.

Let's go.

Hey, this is neat.

What's this button do?

- ED: Unh!
- Oh. Oh, yeah. That's a lot better.

- ED: Unh!
- Would you look at all the leg room?

Hey, look at this one.

ED: Oh!

- Oh, that's handy.
- Yeah, it can recline all the way back.

[GROANING]

Here, let me try.

[YELLING AND GRUNTING]

You two, out.

In back, now.

Gee, I wish he'd make up his mind.

You know, Ed seems tense.

Drive, Phil. Drive.

Finally, I can read my paper in peace.

WAKKO:
I have to go to the potty.

Why didn't you go
before you got in the car?

- I did.
- And you have to go again?

- No.
- Then what's the problem?

I'm gonna be carsick.

ED: Let me out of here!
PHIL: Run! He's gonna blow!

Hurry up, get out.

WAKKO:
Never mind. It's okay now.

ED: Are you sure? WAKKO: Yep.

- You're not gonna throw up in the car?
- WAKKO: No.

How do you know?

WAKKO: Because I already did.

[ALL YELLING]

- Did he get it on the carpet?
- No, just your seat.

I hate carpooling.

All right.
Everybody, just sit here quietly now…

…and no trading places,
no throwing up, no nothing.

- Can we turn on the radio?
- JAN, ED & PHIL: No.

- Can we roll down the window?
- JAN, ED & PHIL: No.

- How about we play a game?
- No...

Well, I guess that'd be all right.

What do you wanna play?
Twenty questions?

No, tag. You're it.

- DOT: No, you're it. No, no, no.
- Quiet!

WAKKO: You're it. PHIL: Whoa!

- Get off of me.
- DOT & YAKKO: Whoo! Whoo!

[HORNS HONKING]

[PHIL GRUNTING]

Aah!

DOT & YAKKO: Whoo!

[PHIL SIGHS]

Aah!

Don't you ever do that again.

Now, everybody take their seats…

…and if I hear a peep out of anyone,
I am going to...

[HORN HONKING]

[GROWLING]

Hold your horses, will you?

Now, nobody gets out of their seats
for anything. Do you understand?

[HORN HONKING]

Knock it off, you hear me?
Knock off that stupid honking…

…or I'm gonna come back there
and I'm gonna make you stop!

[HORN HONKING]

All right, that is it!

You wanna honk your horn?
Come out of there, buddy.

You want a piece of me?
Come on, get out of the car!

Get out of the...!

[GASPS]

Hey.

ALL: Thanks for the ride.

Yeah, that was really fun.

And it's great that your friends
had the money to cover bail.

[PHIL GRUNTING]

- We've gotta be heading back home now.
- Bye-bye.

- Home?
- What do you mean?

Aren't you going to work?

No, we don't have real jobs.

We're just kids.

Then why are you in our car pool?

Oh, that's easy.

We just came along because Warner Bros.
Gives out prizes for carpooling.

We each get a free ice-cream cone
at the studio commissary.

WAKKO: All right.

Let's go collect our winnings.

YAKKO:
We'll pick you guys up tonight at 5.

And you can relax on the way home.

It's our turn to drive.

[SCREAMING]

[JAN, ED & PHIL YELLING]

[SIGHS]

[SINGING]
She's a cranky old critter.

She's bitter, we warn you.

She lives in a tree house
In Burbank, California.

Along with her nephew,
He says "spew," he's cheerful.

Then his aunt starts to rant
She gives him an earful.

She's grumpy, he's happy
It's generation gap-py.

Take a whirl with the squirrels
Skippy and Slappy.

Ah, put a sock in it.

- [SINGING] That's my Aunt Slappy.
- [SINGING] Aunt Slappy.

Boo!

Comedy rule number 26:
Surprise your audience. Heh.

Now, there's entertainment for you.

My job is done.

- Aunt Slappy, you're home!
- SLAPPY: Unh!

Boy, have I got great news for you.

Eh…
The prune festival is back in town?

No.

They've cloned Brad Pitt
and I have first dibs?

No.

Pat Boone pierced his tongue
and can't sing anymore?

No, panel,
I'm going to turn over all the cards.

The great news is, your agent called
and he got you a job.

[GASPS]

[SPUTTERS]

My agent? You mean Manny?

I thought he died.

He said it was your career that died.

Sounds like Manny.
What's he got for me?

A network show.

- On the WB?
- No, a real network show.

[PLAYS RIMSHOT]

Now, there's your comedy.
So, Skippy, what's the catch?

Uh, no catch, Aunt Slappy.

It's a live TV special,
featuring classic comedy acts of the past.

Amazing. Manny finally came through.

So why are you hiding all my explosives
in the closet?

I didn't want you to do anything drastic.

And why would I?
She asked as if she cared.

Well, the network wants you
to perform the Restaurant Sketch…

…with your partner, Suzy Squirrel.

I don't work with partners.
I'm a single. I've always been a single.

Now, everyone knows you paired up
with Suzy in a few films in the '30s.

SLAPPY:
Jack Warner made me do it.

- SKIPPY: The films were very popular.
- It was a disaster.

SKIPPY:
It's just a one-time reunion, Aunt Slappy.

[SLAPPY CLAPS HANDS]

Ah. Oh, all right.

I suppose I can work
with Suzy Squirrel again…

…even if she is a no-talent,
scene-stealing…

…line-changing, good-for-nothing,
back-stabbing slob…

…who ruined every sketch
we ever did. Aah!

She took that a lot better than I thought.

[SLAPPY GRUNTS THEN GROANS]

I'm glad I didn't overreact.

But there's absolutely no way
I'll work with Suzy Squirrel.

It's for triple scale.

What time do I have to be at the studio?

It broadcasts live tomorrow at 8.

Fine. When's rehearsal?

Right now.

I'm a little bit short on cab fare.

Oh, here we go.

Be right back.

Yep, same old Suzy Squirrel.

Suzy: Keep the change.

So how you doing, Slapster?

Manny told me things haven't been easy
for you since we split up.

Oh, I can see by the looks of this dump,
he was being too kind.

First of all, Suzy…

…those cheeks you were pinching
belong to my nephew, Skippy.

Second, if you weren't so vain,
you'd wear glasses…

…So you could see
this ain't no dump.

You know, when Manny told me
how you begged him to team us up again…

[SLAPPY GRUNTING]

…I was genuinely touched.

Oh, you'll be touched all right.

Right on the top
of your big, fat, empty cranium. Unh!

Maybe once you start rehearsing,
things won't be so bad.

Oh. This from the kid who said:

"Don't worry, Mr. Daly,
The Postman will be a big hit."

Hey, you can't win them all.

Here. The Restaurant Sketch.

Before we begin, Slappadoo,
I made a few changes.

You know, added a few jokes.

The sketch is fine the way it is.

Yeah, if you don't want any laughs.

There's plenty of laughs.

If you took a breath between bites,
you might hear them.

Ha!

You wouldn't know a joke if it hit you
right on your funny bone.

You belong in the home…

…for the comically challenged.
SUZY: Me?

SLAPPY: You. SUZY: Ha!

SLAPPY: Ha-ha!
SUZY: That's a laugh.

SLAPPY:
Which is one more than you've gotten.

SUZY: Oh, yeah? SLAPPY: Yeah.

Isn't show business grand?

Suzy:
Vaudeville didn't die, you put it to sleep.

SLAPPY: Yeah, well, you've been known
to cause boredom in laboratory rats.

Ha! I've always been the funny one.

Let's leave your looks out of it.

Oh, you're slaying me.

Don't tempt me.

Uh, Aunt Slappy? Suzy?

Not now, kiddo, I'm on a roll.

If there were any rolls around here,
you'd eat them.

Ladies, places, please.

And remember, this is live, live, live.

We're ready, ready, ready.

DIRECTOR: Five, four, three…

- And remember, no ad-libs.
- Yeah, yeah.

And we're on.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

And now, for the first time in over 60
years, Suzy Squirrel and Slappy Squirrel...

That's Slappy and Suzy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

In The Restaurant Sketch.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

May I take your order?

Let's see, do you have frog legs?

You betcha.

Well, wear pants and nobody will know.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So tell me, waiter,
how fresh is the lobster?

Pretty fresh.
He already pinched me three times today.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We're going out tonight.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This old stuff may be cornball,
but it's still funny, eh, Mr. Krump?

I'm a network executive.

I wouldn't know funny
if it kicked me in the bupkes.

All I know are ratings,
shares and demographics.

And if we don't get them, I'll be fired.

And so will you!

So tell me, waiter,
how's the meatloaf that man is eating?

That's a salad. SUZY: Ew…

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'll take the soup.

Good choice.
I'll be right back with your order.

- Oh, waiter, one more thing.
- Grrrr.

I said, no ad-libs.

Just a couple of changes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, waiter,
I'd like to talk to the maître d'.

There is no maître d' in this sketch.

I said, waiter,
I'd like to talk to the maître d'.

Fine, I'll get him.

Okay, I'm the maître d'. Happy?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]

Yes. I'd like a table with a view.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There. You have a view of your feet.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Anything else?

Where's my soup?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your soup.

Oh, waiter, there's a hair in my soup.

The line is, "There's a fly in my soup."

I said, there's a hair in my soup.

You're right, there is a hair in your soup.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

In fact, there are several.

Is that in the script?

[SKIPPY LAUGHING]

Who knows?

You see? Laughs.

You never did know what was funny.

Aha! Pies are funny.

- MAN: Unh!
- Not in cartoons.

In cartoons, pianos are funny.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Dynamite is funny.

Well, it's a chuckle.

But for big laughs,
I like an entire warehouse of fireworks.

Allow me to demonstrate.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Now, that's comedy.

Could you make that check out to cash?

But you've ruined our studio.

Just look at this mess.

Oh, my career is over.

And so is yours.

Mr. Krump,
the phones are ringing off the hook.

What?

The viewers loved it.

Everyone wants to know
what you're gonna blow up tomorrow night.

The ratings went through the roof…

…for last night's comic reunion
of Suzy and Slappy Squirrel.

That's Slappy and Suzy.

Sure it is.

And every advertiser in town
is calling to sign on.

America loves Suzy and Slappy.

Here, enjoy.

Thanks so much.

You two are incredible,
fantastic, sensational.

We know, Krump, babe, we know.

Now, show us the money.

Slappy, Suzy,
I'm prepared to give you two…

…your very own prime time series.
What do you say?

BOTH: No way.

We're artists. We've got our pride.

At quadruple scale.

That ought to just about cover our pride.

Deal. Have your people call our people.
You're beautiful, babe. Let's do lunch.

After the check clears.

No hard feelings, Suzy. I forgive you.

Me? I should be the one forgiving you.

For what?
Letting you perform your act in public?

- Well, at least I have an act.
- You never did.

- Did too.
- Did not.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Aarrgh!

SUZY: I know funny.
SLAPPY: I'm gonna get you.

Now, that's comedy, babe.

ALL: Cowabunga!

[English - US - SDH]