Animaniacs (1993–1998): Season 5, Episode 5 - Hurray for North Hollywood: Part 1 - full transcript
ALL [SINGING]:
♪ It's time for Animaniacs ♪
♪ And we're zany to the max ♪
♪ So just sit back and relax ♪
♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ -Come join the Warner brothers ♪
♪ -And the Warner sister, Dot ♪
♪ WARNERS: Just for fun we run around ♪
♪ The Warner movie lot ♪
♪ They lock us in the tower ♪
♪ Whenever we get caught ♪
♪ But we break loose and then vamoose ♪
♪ And now you know the plot ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ Dot is cute and Yakko yaks ♪
♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
♪ We pay tons of income tax ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ Meet Ralph and Dr. Scratch an sniff ♪
♪ Say hi to Hello, Nurse ♪
♪ Good feathers flock together ♪
♪ Slappy whacks them with her purse ♪
♪ Buttons chases Mindy ♪
♪ While Rita sings a verse ♪
♪ The writers flipped, we have no script ♪
♪ Why bother to rehearse? ♪
ALL:
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ We have pay-or-play contracts ♪
♪ We're zany to the max ♪
♪ There's bologna in our slacks ♪
♪ We're Animan-y ♪
♪ Totally insane-y ♪
♪ No pain, no gain-y ♪
ALL:
♪ Animaniacs ♪
♪ Those are the facts ♪
[SIREN WAILING]
SQUIT:
Check it out.
BOBBY:
Ooh. Look at them clouds, eh?
PESTO:
Unbelievable.
Look how they just hover up there
like floating castles.
Or big balls of cotton.
Hey, look at that one.
Looks like an elephant's head, don't it?
Or a big snake.
- No, that's an elephant's trunk.
- Oh, yeah.
Man, it sure looks beautiful, don't it?
What? It don't look like an elephant?
No, I'm just saying, it, uh...
You know, it could also be a snake.
Hey, what's the difference?
Elephant, snake. It's a cloud. Who cares?
- PESTO: It's an elephant, I tell you.
- What are you getting so upset for?
I'm not upset.
You're the one causing the argument.
- No, I just said it...
- It's an elephant, not a snake.
Snake, huh?
You want snake? I'll give you snake.
Here's your snake.
Take this snake. And that snake.
Hey, you guys, knock it off.
You're driving me nuts here.
[BOTH WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]
YAKKO:
Fade out, the end.
Escape, save and print.
Here it comes.
Our first feature-length script.
Faboo.
It's brilliant. It's genius.
And most important of all, it's done.
♪ [SINGING] Hey, what do you know? ♪
♪ We actually did it ♪
[SINGING]
♪ We wrote a script ♪
[SINGING]
♪ We've written a show ♪
♪ Eight hundred pages ♪
ALL:
♪ We overdid it ♪
♪ But still we've got
a chance to get rich ♪
♪ We just gotta make that pitch ♪
♪ To the CEO who gives the go ♪
DOT:
♪ 'Cause he's the guy says yes or no ♪
ALL:
♪ To make into the movie, so you see ♪
♪ Out the door, my friends, and follow me ♪
♪ Hey, where are we going? ♪
♪ We're on our way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
♪ 'Cause he's the man in charge ♪
♪ Who calls the shots ♪
DOT:
♪ He's really good, he's Hollywood ♪
♪ And no one can deny ♪
WAKKO:
♪ He knows the biz 'cause he's the wiz ♪
ALL:
♪ And that, my friends, is why ♪
♪ We're on our way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
♪ I hear he's got a plane
and several yachts ♪
♪ "Cause he's successful ♪
♪ He's a genius ♪
♪ He's the man who has it all ♪
♪ Got a Bentley in his driveway ♪
♪ And an Oscar on his wall ♪
♪ He's the guy ♪
♪ That Steven Spielberg wants to know ♪
♪ I wanna know. ♪
ALL:
♪ He's Mr. Plotz, the Warner CEO ♪
WARNERS:
♪ The script is great, real first-rate ♪
♪ That is why we just can't wait ♪
♪ To hear him say it's all a go ♪
♪ We're going to make a movie, so ♪
CHORUS: ♪ They're on
their way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
♪ 'Cause he's the king
of all the movie lots ♪
♪ He takes a lunch with Streisand ♪
♪ And she always pays the bill ♪
♪ Plays golf with Arnold Palmer ♪
♪ Hired Cecil B. DeMille ♪
♪ He even made money on a movie ♪
♪ With Don Knotts ♪
♪ My hero. ♪
♪ WARNERS: That's why we're on our way ♪
♪ To go see Mr. ♪
♪ -Warner brothers ♪
♪ -And Warner sister ♪
WARNERS:
♪ On our way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
ALL:
♪ Ready or not, here we come. ♪
♪ Gonna see Mr. Plotz ♪
ALL:
Huh?
And so is everyone else in town.
PLOTZ:
Get out! Get out! Get out!
[ESZTERHAS YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
[THUD]
That's the stupidest idea for a script
I've ever heard.
You'll never work in this town again,
Eszterhas.
[GRUNTING]
Next.
[GULPS]
You have 11 seconds. Cut to the chase.
[ALL WHIMPERING]
Mr. Plotz's office.
Hello, Miss Pfeiffer. Please hold.
Mr. Plotz's office.
Kevin Costner? Held, please.
Mr. Plotz's office.
Mr. Brando? Please hold. The mayo.
[YAKKO CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, we're here to see Mr. Plotz.
How darling. Ewoks.
Uh, close, but no.
We're the Warner brothers.
And the Warner sister.
We're here to show Mr. Plotz our script.
So we can make it into a movie.
And become rich and famous.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the cute one?
I'll make a note of it.
Now, take a number and wait your turn.
Are we next?
[YAKKO SIGHS]
No, Wakko. Not even close.
You know the reason California schools
scored so low in math?
- Why?
- You! Start going to class!
Okay, okay.
[CRASH FROM OFFICE]
[WRITER YELLS]
[GRUNTS]
- Well?
- Shouldn't be long now.
[WRITER GROANING]
Boy, Mr. Plotz must have hated that script.
Actually, that one he liked.
[CRASH FROM OFFICE]
Another sequel to Star Wars?
Are you crazy?
It's over, George.
Now, give it up.
Aw. Too bad. No more Ewok movies.
We're not Ewoks, lady!
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
PLOTZ [OVER INTERCOM]: Ms. Hoffelmeyer,
get in here and bring your dictation pad.
Right away, Mr. Plotz.
[RINGING]
[BEEPING]
DOT:
Gee, look at all the people on hold.
Yeah, they're all waiting
to schmooze Plotzy.
Schmooze? What's that?
That's how you make deals in Hollywood.
You gotta shoot the breeze, talk the talk.
- You know, schmooze.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Like this.
Mr. Plotz's office. Please hold.
Sid Sheinberg on line two.
[SINGING]
♪ Sidney, sweetie, baby, you're terrific ♪
♪ Oh, my other line is ringing ♪
♪ Uh, can you hold? ♪
♪ Keanu, man, I flipped ♪
♪ 'Cause I've got the perfect script ♪
♪ And believe me ♪
♪ You're the only one I've told ♪
[SINGING]
♪ Meryl honey, darling, babe, I love you ♪
♪ It's a perfect part ♪
♪ There's no way you can fail ♪
♪ And that's 'cause you're the best ♪
♪ You are way above the rest ♪
♪ And I understand ♪
♪ You used to work for scale ♪
[RINGS]
♪ -Eisner! ♪
♪ -Michael, green light's right at 50 million ♪
♪ We're talking Costner ♪
♪ So we're shopping it around ♪
♪ You know the line's around the corner ♪
♪ And they love it out at Warner ♪
♪ You don't wanna be the guy ♪
♪ Who turned it down ♪
♪ BOTH: ♪
♪ You've gotta do the schmooze ♪
♪ Or else you'll wind up ♪
♪ Being yesterday's news ♪
♪ You gotta schmooze them ♪
♪ While you're talking PR ♪
♪ From the phone in your car ♪
♪ Be the guy who says ♪
♪ That I can make you a star ♪
♪ You've gotta learn to schmooze ♪
♪ Tell everyone ♪
♪ About your friend Tom Cruise ♪
♪ And say you recommended Cher for a part ♪
♪ You gave De Niro his start ♪
♪ On The Simpsons you suggested ♪
♪ That they call the kid Bart ♪
♪ YAKKO: You did the meal, closed the deal ♪
♪ You made an offer that they couldn't refuse ♪
♪ DOT & YAKKO: ♪
♪ And that's the way that you schmooze ♪
- Hey, I think I can do that.
- Be my guest.
Martin Scorsese on line three.
[SINGING] ♪ Marty, babe, I
got this script, you'll love it ♪
♪ It's a story no one else has ever had ♪
♪ You see, it comes from Hollywood ♪
♪ It's about a guy who's good ♪
♪ And he has to fight another guy ♪
♪ Who's bad ♪
Tarantino. ♪ -Your treatment,
man, is absolutely brilliant ♪
♪ It's got potential ♪
♪ And we think it's really hot ♪
♪ We feel the only thing it needs ♪
♪ Is rewriting all the leads ♪
♪ We'd like to see you try a different plot ♪
Schwarzenegger. ♪ -Arnold,
babe, there ain't nobody like you ♪
♪ That action thing you absolutely own ♪
♪ But Zemeckis has the clout ♪
♪ So the back-end points are out ♪
♪ 'Sides, we figure ♪
♪ We can always get Stallone ♪
SCHWARZENEGGER [OVER PHONE]: Stallone?
Are you kidding? I'll come kill you!
ALL [SINGING]:
♪ You've gotta do the schmooze ♪
♪ And you can be a regular lollapalooze ♪
DOT: ♪ Rubbing elbows
with that Hollywood bunch ♪
WAKKO:
♪ Eating sushi for lunch ♪
♪ YAKKO: Show the ladies your Mercedes ♪
♪ Down at Spago for brunch ♪
ALL:
♪ You've gotta schmooze or lose ♪
♪ You're on the A-list ♪
♪ You're the person they choose ♪
♪ To make a movie
that'll beat out the rest ♪
♪ And be dramatically best ♪
♪ Get Antonio Banderas ♪
♪ He can show off his chest ♪
♪ You wanna make it to the top ♪
♪ And be the cream of the crop ♪
♪ You can't lose ♪
♪ If you learn how to schmooze ♪
[DEVICE RINGING]
Is that my pager or my cell phone?
HOFFELMEYER:
Singing Ewoks.
Mr. Plotz will see you now.
Ready?
DOT & WAKKO:
Ready.
All right. We're on.
♪ WARNERS [SINGING]: This is where we go in ♪
♪ And it's either we win or we lose ♪
♪ Just as long as we schmooze ♪
PLOTZ:
Have a seat, Warners.
And let me explain
why I let you into my office.
My chief legal counsel, Boo Shulman…
Tells me I'm contractually bound
to speak with you at least once a year.
So, what do you want?
Well, we just wanted to drop by...
Well, isn't that nice?
I'm so glad we could have this little chat.
Now go!
Don't let the doorknob hit you
in the head on the way out.
I just had it polished.
- That's it?
- It's over?
But what about our script?
We schmooze or we lose.
ALL:
Let's schmooze.
Plotzy, baby, you look terrific.
Great tie.
I see you had the chicken salad for lunch.
[CLUCKING]
That's not chicken salad, it's lasagne.
Hey, that diet's working.
I said get out!
We can't stay long. We're due
at Paramount for a major meeting.
We thought we'd swing by,
let you have the new script.
- What new script?
- Top secret, hush-hush.
Can't say a word. Mm-mm.
My lips are sealed.
Oh, all right.
You dragged it out of me, you sly fox, you.
Here it is.
It's called Hooray for North Hollywood.
We don't wanna get into a bidding war.
- Unless one happens.
- But we need a firm offer right now.
- Or by 4:30 tomorrow.
- Whichever comes first.
- It's priced to move.
- Low eight figures, nonnegotiable.
Out the gate, in the bag, over the fence,
through the woods to Grandmother's house.
What are you talking about?
Are you speaking rap?
Now, what's this script about?
[PLOTZ YELLS]
- It's the story of boy meets girl.
- Boy loses girl.
Boy gets girl?
No, afraid not. But boy meets another girl.
- Ah.
- But he loses her too.
Then girl meets another boy
and she loses him.
- The second boy meets the second girl.
- They lose each other.
Pretty soon, everybody's lost.
I know I am.
Does it have a happy ending?
It will if you pay us.
Who do you have in mind for actors?
- They're terrible, they can't act.
- That's bad.
- They're movie stars.
- That's good.
- They're gonna want a lot of money.
- That's bad.
- But we won't give it.
- That's good.
- I see an Academy Award in the future.
- That's good.
- But not for us.
- That's bad.
- Spielberg's gonna direct.
- That's good.
- But not this picture.
- That's bad.
- But we've got Zemeckis.
- That's good.
- It's Freddie Zemeckis from Accounting.
- That's bad.
- We've cut the budget to the bare bones.
- That's good.
- It'll cost a hundred million.
- That's bad.
- What would you say if I stopped talking?
- That's good.
- What if we just start singing?
- That's bad.
[SNAPPING]
♪ [SINGING] There are 50,000 different kinds ♪
♪ Of animals ♪
♪ And there are 50,000 more ♪
♪ That used to be ♪
♪ There's a hundred million ants ♪
♪ And a half a billion plants ♪
♪ And a lot of fish ♪
♪ Down underneath the sea ♪
♪ There's gotta be a
couple million spiders ♪
♪ A hundred fifty million butterflies ♪
♪ And bees ♪
♪ And a bunch of different mammals ♪
♪ Like those elephants and camels ♪
♪ And approximately 50 billion trees ♪
♪ But there is only one of you ♪
♪ That makes you special ♪
♪ You stand out among the other things ♪
♪ it's true ♪
♪ WARNERS: Yes, the universe is large ♪
♪ And whoever is in charge ♪
♪ Made lots of things but only one of you ♪
♪ A-one and a-two and a-three and a-four ♪
♪ A thousand and a million ♪
♪ And a billion or more ♪
♪ There's a trillion drops of water ♪
♪ In the ocean ♪
♪ And a billion trillion molecules of air ♪
♪ There are insects here en masse ♪
♪ And a trillion blades of grass ♪
♪ And a thousand strands ♪
♪ In every head of hair ♪
♪ A lot of little grains of dirt ♪
♪ Make up this planet ♪
♪ A billion atoms ♪
♪ On the head of every pin ♪
♪ A million birds that all can fly ♪
♪ A trillion stars up in the sky ♪
♪ And all the many different people ♪
♪ There have been ♪
♪ But there is only one of you ♪
♪ That makes you special ♪
♪ Yes, there is nothing else ♪
♪ Exactly like you are ♪
♪ You're unique and you're terrific ♪
♪ You're kind of real specific ♪
♪ 'Cause there's no one else the same ♪
♪ As the person you became ♪
♪ -in fact, you're kind of weird ♪
♪ -But we like you just the same ♪
♪ 'Cause you're the only one of you ♪
♪ There are ♪
[ALL SCATTING]
All right, so, what do you think?
[PLOTZ YELLS]
- You want our script or not?
- Well, let me put it to you this way.
No!
[ALL GRUNT]
- I think we're getting to him.
- But what do we do now?
There's only one thing left to do.
- Tell Plotz that his lawyer's a chicken?
- Besides that.
We're gonna make this movie ourselves.
But we don't know how to make a movie.
But no one does. People who make movies
don't know how to make them.
Well, that explains Happy Gilmore.
Exactly. So we'll be perfect for the job.
Yeah, we really don't know
how to make movies, do we?
YAKKO: We don't have a clue.
WAKKO: Then we can't lose.
DOT:
What's first?
We find someone with a lot of money
who'll finance the whole thing.
And I know just how to do it.
[SIREN WAILING]
[AIR WHISTLING]
[DROPPINGS SPLAT]
[ALL GASP]
I'm not so sure this is working.
- Maybe we should try the direct approach.
- What's that?
Watch and learn.
Excuse me. We're looking for someone
to invest in our movie.
Can you help us?
Sorry, but I prefer to
invest in real estate.
Do you know how we can raise
some big money fast?
If you have a spare bedroom at home,
you might try renting it out.
Hey, did I say something wrong again?
Uh-oh. Hillary's gonna whup me for sure.
If you wanna find out who has the money
in this town, check out the trades.
Of course. Variety. It
has all the inside info.
And all those weird headlines like:
"Execs in stix but hix nix pix."
- Huh? What's that mean?
- I'm glad you asked. You see…
♪ [SINGING] in Hollywood ♪
♪ They have a certain way they like to talk ♪
♪ It's used by all the folks ♪
♪ Who can't chew gum and also walk ♪
♪ [SINGING] It's found inside Variety ♪
♪ A movie magazine ♪
♪ And everyone who reads it ♪
♪ Wonders what the headlines mean ♪
♪ Like "Mitch makes a pitch ♪
♪ And he's gonna get rich" ♪
WAKKO:
♪ Means someone's got a movie that sold ♪
♪ - "Brando's mad, said screenplay's bad" ♪
♪ -Means someone else was offered the role ♪
♪ "It's called Fargo Two ♪
♪ With a story that's new" ♪
♪ Means they gotta shoot it all in L.A. ♪
♪ "The budget got maxed ♪
♪ So someone got faxed"” ♪
♪ WAKKO: Everybody's on the carpet ♪
♪ So the writer got the ax ♪
♪ [SINGING] "Merchandise scores ♪
♪ In the theme-park stores" ♪
♪ And Disney is the king of the hill ♪
♪ "Michael Ovitz, he talks with 20th Fox" ♪
♪ Means he wants another 93 mil ♪
♪ -if you want the poop ♪
♪ -Or you need the scoop ♪
♪ On Hollywood town this week ♪
♪ You're gonna have to learn to talk ♪
♪ That Variety speak ♪
[CHORUS SCATTING]
♪ "Studio bomb gets Oscar nom" ♪
♪ Means all the extras gotta be Brits ♪
♪ "Bronfman's play for MCA" ♪
♪ Means the Japanese are calling it quits ♪
♪ WAKKO: "No scripts are new" ♪
♪ Means Jurassic Park 2 ♪
♪ And a trillion little dinosaur toys ♪
♪ Cash flow's nice ♪
♪ They're releasing it twice ♪
♪ Since it isn't out on video ♪
♪ They're jacking up the price ♪
♪ Well, "Studio czar wants unknown star" ♪
♪ Means they couldn't get Robert Duvall ♪
♪ But they're in trouble again ♪
♪ Doing Mice and Men ♪
DOT:
♪ With Martin Short and Steven Seagal ♪
♪ You gotta stay alive ♪
♪ And if you wanna survive ♪
♪ In Hollywood town this week ♪
♪ You're gonna have to learn to talk ♪
♪ That Variety speak ♪
[CHORUS SCATTING]
♪ "Normal talk makes producers walk" ♪
♪ You might as well speak Greek ♪
♪ You're gonna have to learn ♪
♪ Or the meeting will adjourn ♪
♪ WARNERS: Unless, my friend, you learn ♪
♪ That Variety speak ♪
[ALL SCATTING]
DOT:
Hey, look at this.
There's a big New Year's Eve party tonight
in Beverly Hills.
It says the most important people
in the movie industry are gonna be there.
Ooh, that's a lot of plastic surgeons.
If we could get into that party,
do you realize what it would mean?
Free food.
[CHORUS SINGS ANGELICALLY]
And big stars.
And if we can get one of them attached
to our film
the studios will finance us.
We'll be in the movie business.
ALL:
Beverly Hills, here we come.
[ALL SCATTING]
SQUIT:
Wow, the Milky Way.
BOBBY:
Man, just look at all them stars, huh?
PESTO:
Unbelievable.
SQUIT: They look like diamonds
set into the sky, don't they?
It's beautiful.
- Must be a million of them up there.
- Billions.
I tell you guys,
this is some incredible scenery.
- What do you mean, billions?
- Huh?
What are you, some kind of smart guy?
I say millions
and you gotta top me by saying billions?
No, but there are billions of stars.
You're saying I don't know the difference
between a million and a billion?
No, I was just saying that...
What's the difference? A million,
a billion, there's a lot of stars.
Forget about it.
Mr. Carl Sagan Einstein
doesn't think I can count, is that it?
No, no, I didn't say that.
That's it. You want a billion?
Is that what you want, huh?
I'll give you a billion.
Here. Here's your billion.
Yeah, take this billion.
You want a big dipper?
You want a little dipper?
Hey, knock it off, you guys.
Are you crazy? Aah!
[ALL GRUNTING]
BOBBY:
Come on, you banana brain. Let me go.
ALL:
Bonsoir!
[English - US - SDH]
♪ It's time for Animaniacs ♪
♪ And we're zany to the max ♪
♪ So just sit back and relax ♪
♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ -Come join the Warner brothers ♪
♪ -And the Warner sister, Dot ♪
♪ WARNERS: Just for fun we run around ♪
♪ The Warner movie lot ♪
♪ They lock us in the tower ♪
♪ Whenever we get caught ♪
♪ But we break loose and then vamoose ♪
♪ And now you know the plot ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ Dot is cute and Yakko yaks ♪
♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
♪ We pay tons of income tax ♪
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ Meet Ralph and Dr. Scratch an sniff ♪
♪ Say hi to Hello, Nurse ♪
♪ Good feathers flock together ♪
♪ Slappy whacks them with her purse ♪
♪ Buttons chases Mindy ♪
♪ While Rita sings a verse ♪
♪ The writers flipped, we have no script ♪
♪ Why bother to rehearse? ♪
ALL:
♪ We're Animaniacs ♪
♪ We have pay-or-play contracts ♪
♪ We're zany to the max ♪
♪ There's bologna in our slacks ♪
♪ We're Animan-y ♪
♪ Totally insane-y ♪
♪ No pain, no gain-y ♪
ALL:
♪ Animaniacs ♪
♪ Those are the facts ♪
[SIREN WAILING]
SQUIT:
Check it out.
BOBBY:
Ooh. Look at them clouds, eh?
PESTO:
Unbelievable.
Look how they just hover up there
like floating castles.
Or big balls of cotton.
Hey, look at that one.
Looks like an elephant's head, don't it?
Or a big snake.
- No, that's an elephant's trunk.
- Oh, yeah.
Man, it sure looks beautiful, don't it?
What? It don't look like an elephant?
No, I'm just saying, it, uh...
You know, it could also be a snake.
Hey, what's the difference?
Elephant, snake. It's a cloud. Who cares?
- PESTO: It's an elephant, I tell you.
- What are you getting so upset for?
I'm not upset.
You're the one causing the argument.
- No, I just said it...
- It's an elephant, not a snake.
Snake, huh?
You want snake? I'll give you snake.
Here's your snake.
Take this snake. And that snake.
Hey, you guys, knock it off.
You're driving me nuts here.
[BOTH WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]
YAKKO:
Fade out, the end.
Escape, save and print.
Here it comes.
Our first feature-length script.
Faboo.
It's brilliant. It's genius.
And most important of all, it's done.
♪ [SINGING] Hey, what do you know? ♪
♪ We actually did it ♪
[SINGING]
♪ We wrote a script ♪
[SINGING]
♪ We've written a show ♪
♪ Eight hundred pages ♪
ALL:
♪ We overdid it ♪
♪ But still we've got
a chance to get rich ♪
♪ We just gotta make that pitch ♪
♪ To the CEO who gives the go ♪
DOT:
♪ 'Cause he's the guy says yes or no ♪
ALL:
♪ To make into the movie, so you see ♪
♪ Out the door, my friends, and follow me ♪
♪ Hey, where are we going? ♪
♪ We're on our way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
♪ 'Cause he's the man in charge ♪
♪ Who calls the shots ♪
DOT:
♪ He's really good, he's Hollywood ♪
♪ And no one can deny ♪
WAKKO:
♪ He knows the biz 'cause he's the wiz ♪
ALL:
♪ And that, my friends, is why ♪
♪ We're on our way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
♪ I hear he's got a plane
and several yachts ♪
♪ "Cause he's successful ♪
♪ He's a genius ♪
♪ He's the man who has it all ♪
♪ Got a Bentley in his driveway ♪
♪ And an Oscar on his wall ♪
♪ He's the guy ♪
♪ That Steven Spielberg wants to know ♪
♪ I wanna know. ♪
ALL:
♪ He's Mr. Plotz, the Warner CEO ♪
WARNERS:
♪ The script is great, real first-rate ♪
♪ That is why we just can't wait ♪
♪ To hear him say it's all a go ♪
♪ We're going to make a movie, so ♪
CHORUS: ♪ They're on
their way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
♪ 'Cause he's the king
of all the movie lots ♪
♪ He takes a lunch with Streisand ♪
♪ And she always pays the bill ♪
♪ Plays golf with Arnold Palmer ♪
♪ Hired Cecil B. DeMille ♪
♪ He even made money on a movie ♪
♪ With Don Knotts ♪
♪ My hero. ♪
♪ WARNERS: That's why we're on our way ♪
♪ To go see Mr. ♪
♪ -Warner brothers ♪
♪ -And Warner sister ♪
WARNERS:
♪ On our way to go see Mr. Plotz ♪
ALL:
♪ Ready or not, here we come. ♪
♪ Gonna see Mr. Plotz ♪
ALL:
Huh?
And so is everyone else in town.
PLOTZ:
Get out! Get out! Get out!
[ESZTERHAS YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
[THUD]
That's the stupidest idea for a script
I've ever heard.
You'll never work in this town again,
Eszterhas.
[GRUNTING]
Next.
[GULPS]
You have 11 seconds. Cut to the chase.
[ALL WHIMPERING]
Mr. Plotz's office.
Hello, Miss Pfeiffer. Please hold.
Mr. Plotz's office.
Kevin Costner? Held, please.
Mr. Plotz's office.
Mr. Brando? Please hold. The mayo.
[YAKKO CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, we're here to see Mr. Plotz.
How darling. Ewoks.
Uh, close, but no.
We're the Warner brothers.
And the Warner sister.
We're here to show Mr. Plotz our script.
So we can make it into a movie.
And become rich and famous.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the cute one?
I'll make a note of it.
Now, take a number and wait your turn.
Are we next?
[YAKKO SIGHS]
No, Wakko. Not even close.
You know the reason California schools
scored so low in math?
- Why?
- You! Start going to class!
Okay, okay.
[CRASH FROM OFFICE]
[WRITER YELLS]
[GRUNTS]
- Well?
- Shouldn't be long now.
[WRITER GROANING]
Boy, Mr. Plotz must have hated that script.
Actually, that one he liked.
[CRASH FROM OFFICE]
Another sequel to Star Wars?
Are you crazy?
It's over, George.
Now, give it up.
Aw. Too bad. No more Ewok movies.
We're not Ewoks, lady!
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
PLOTZ [OVER INTERCOM]: Ms. Hoffelmeyer,
get in here and bring your dictation pad.
Right away, Mr. Plotz.
[RINGING]
[BEEPING]
DOT:
Gee, look at all the people on hold.
Yeah, they're all waiting
to schmooze Plotzy.
Schmooze? What's that?
That's how you make deals in Hollywood.
You gotta shoot the breeze, talk the talk.
- You know, schmooze.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Like this.
Mr. Plotz's office. Please hold.
Sid Sheinberg on line two.
[SINGING]
♪ Sidney, sweetie, baby, you're terrific ♪
♪ Oh, my other line is ringing ♪
♪ Uh, can you hold? ♪
♪ Keanu, man, I flipped ♪
♪ 'Cause I've got the perfect script ♪
♪ And believe me ♪
♪ You're the only one I've told ♪
[SINGING]
♪ Meryl honey, darling, babe, I love you ♪
♪ It's a perfect part ♪
♪ There's no way you can fail ♪
♪ And that's 'cause you're the best ♪
♪ You are way above the rest ♪
♪ And I understand ♪
♪ You used to work for scale ♪
[RINGS]
♪ -Eisner! ♪
♪ -Michael, green light's right at 50 million ♪
♪ We're talking Costner ♪
♪ So we're shopping it around ♪
♪ You know the line's around the corner ♪
♪ And they love it out at Warner ♪
♪ You don't wanna be the guy ♪
♪ Who turned it down ♪
♪ BOTH: ♪
♪ You've gotta do the schmooze ♪
♪ Or else you'll wind up ♪
♪ Being yesterday's news ♪
♪ You gotta schmooze them ♪
♪ While you're talking PR ♪
♪ From the phone in your car ♪
♪ Be the guy who says ♪
♪ That I can make you a star ♪
♪ You've gotta learn to schmooze ♪
♪ Tell everyone ♪
♪ About your friend Tom Cruise ♪
♪ And say you recommended Cher for a part ♪
♪ You gave De Niro his start ♪
♪ On The Simpsons you suggested ♪
♪ That they call the kid Bart ♪
♪ YAKKO: You did the meal, closed the deal ♪
♪ You made an offer that they couldn't refuse ♪
♪ DOT & YAKKO: ♪
♪ And that's the way that you schmooze ♪
- Hey, I think I can do that.
- Be my guest.
Martin Scorsese on line three.
[SINGING] ♪ Marty, babe, I
got this script, you'll love it ♪
♪ It's a story no one else has ever had ♪
♪ You see, it comes from Hollywood ♪
♪ It's about a guy who's good ♪
♪ And he has to fight another guy ♪
♪ Who's bad ♪
Tarantino. ♪ -Your treatment,
man, is absolutely brilliant ♪
♪ It's got potential ♪
♪ And we think it's really hot ♪
♪ We feel the only thing it needs ♪
♪ Is rewriting all the leads ♪
♪ We'd like to see you try a different plot ♪
Schwarzenegger. ♪ -Arnold,
babe, there ain't nobody like you ♪
♪ That action thing you absolutely own ♪
♪ But Zemeckis has the clout ♪
♪ So the back-end points are out ♪
♪ 'Sides, we figure ♪
♪ We can always get Stallone ♪
SCHWARZENEGGER [OVER PHONE]: Stallone?
Are you kidding? I'll come kill you!
ALL [SINGING]:
♪ You've gotta do the schmooze ♪
♪ And you can be a regular lollapalooze ♪
DOT: ♪ Rubbing elbows
with that Hollywood bunch ♪
WAKKO:
♪ Eating sushi for lunch ♪
♪ YAKKO: Show the ladies your Mercedes ♪
♪ Down at Spago for brunch ♪
ALL:
♪ You've gotta schmooze or lose ♪
♪ You're on the A-list ♪
♪ You're the person they choose ♪
♪ To make a movie
that'll beat out the rest ♪
♪ And be dramatically best ♪
♪ Get Antonio Banderas ♪
♪ He can show off his chest ♪
♪ You wanna make it to the top ♪
♪ And be the cream of the crop ♪
♪ You can't lose ♪
♪ If you learn how to schmooze ♪
[DEVICE RINGING]
Is that my pager or my cell phone?
HOFFELMEYER:
Singing Ewoks.
Mr. Plotz will see you now.
Ready?
DOT & WAKKO:
Ready.
All right. We're on.
♪ WARNERS [SINGING]: This is where we go in ♪
♪ And it's either we win or we lose ♪
♪ Just as long as we schmooze ♪
PLOTZ:
Have a seat, Warners.
And let me explain
why I let you into my office.
My chief legal counsel, Boo Shulman…
Tells me I'm contractually bound
to speak with you at least once a year.
So, what do you want?
Well, we just wanted to drop by...
Well, isn't that nice?
I'm so glad we could have this little chat.
Now go!
Don't let the doorknob hit you
in the head on the way out.
I just had it polished.
- That's it?
- It's over?
But what about our script?
We schmooze or we lose.
ALL:
Let's schmooze.
Plotzy, baby, you look terrific.
Great tie.
I see you had the chicken salad for lunch.
[CLUCKING]
That's not chicken salad, it's lasagne.
Hey, that diet's working.
I said get out!
We can't stay long. We're due
at Paramount for a major meeting.
We thought we'd swing by,
let you have the new script.
- What new script?
- Top secret, hush-hush.
Can't say a word. Mm-mm.
My lips are sealed.
Oh, all right.
You dragged it out of me, you sly fox, you.
Here it is.
It's called Hooray for North Hollywood.
We don't wanna get into a bidding war.
- Unless one happens.
- But we need a firm offer right now.
- Or by 4:30 tomorrow.
- Whichever comes first.
- It's priced to move.
- Low eight figures, nonnegotiable.
Out the gate, in the bag, over the fence,
through the woods to Grandmother's house.
What are you talking about?
Are you speaking rap?
Now, what's this script about?
[PLOTZ YELLS]
- It's the story of boy meets girl.
- Boy loses girl.
Boy gets girl?
No, afraid not. But boy meets another girl.
- Ah.
- But he loses her too.
Then girl meets another boy
and she loses him.
- The second boy meets the second girl.
- They lose each other.
Pretty soon, everybody's lost.
I know I am.
Does it have a happy ending?
It will if you pay us.
Who do you have in mind for actors?
- They're terrible, they can't act.
- That's bad.
- They're movie stars.
- That's good.
- They're gonna want a lot of money.
- That's bad.
- But we won't give it.
- That's good.
- I see an Academy Award in the future.
- That's good.
- But not for us.
- That's bad.
- Spielberg's gonna direct.
- That's good.
- But not this picture.
- That's bad.
- But we've got Zemeckis.
- That's good.
- It's Freddie Zemeckis from Accounting.
- That's bad.
- We've cut the budget to the bare bones.
- That's good.
- It'll cost a hundred million.
- That's bad.
- What would you say if I stopped talking?
- That's good.
- What if we just start singing?
- That's bad.
[SNAPPING]
♪ [SINGING] There are 50,000 different kinds ♪
♪ Of animals ♪
♪ And there are 50,000 more ♪
♪ That used to be ♪
♪ There's a hundred million ants ♪
♪ And a half a billion plants ♪
♪ And a lot of fish ♪
♪ Down underneath the sea ♪
♪ There's gotta be a
couple million spiders ♪
♪ A hundred fifty million butterflies ♪
♪ And bees ♪
♪ And a bunch of different mammals ♪
♪ Like those elephants and camels ♪
♪ And approximately 50 billion trees ♪
♪ But there is only one of you ♪
♪ That makes you special ♪
♪ You stand out among the other things ♪
♪ it's true ♪
♪ WARNERS: Yes, the universe is large ♪
♪ And whoever is in charge ♪
♪ Made lots of things but only one of you ♪
♪ A-one and a-two and a-three and a-four ♪
♪ A thousand and a million ♪
♪ And a billion or more ♪
♪ There's a trillion drops of water ♪
♪ In the ocean ♪
♪ And a billion trillion molecules of air ♪
♪ There are insects here en masse ♪
♪ And a trillion blades of grass ♪
♪ And a thousand strands ♪
♪ In every head of hair ♪
♪ A lot of little grains of dirt ♪
♪ Make up this planet ♪
♪ A billion atoms ♪
♪ On the head of every pin ♪
♪ A million birds that all can fly ♪
♪ A trillion stars up in the sky ♪
♪ And all the many different people ♪
♪ There have been ♪
♪ But there is only one of you ♪
♪ That makes you special ♪
♪ Yes, there is nothing else ♪
♪ Exactly like you are ♪
♪ You're unique and you're terrific ♪
♪ You're kind of real specific ♪
♪ 'Cause there's no one else the same ♪
♪ As the person you became ♪
♪ -in fact, you're kind of weird ♪
♪ -But we like you just the same ♪
♪ 'Cause you're the only one of you ♪
♪ There are ♪
[ALL SCATTING]
All right, so, what do you think?
[PLOTZ YELLS]
- You want our script or not?
- Well, let me put it to you this way.
No!
[ALL GRUNT]
- I think we're getting to him.
- But what do we do now?
There's only one thing left to do.
- Tell Plotz that his lawyer's a chicken?
- Besides that.
We're gonna make this movie ourselves.
But we don't know how to make a movie.
But no one does. People who make movies
don't know how to make them.
Well, that explains Happy Gilmore.
Exactly. So we'll be perfect for the job.
Yeah, we really don't know
how to make movies, do we?
YAKKO: We don't have a clue.
WAKKO: Then we can't lose.
DOT:
What's first?
We find someone with a lot of money
who'll finance the whole thing.
And I know just how to do it.
[SIREN WAILING]
[AIR WHISTLING]
[DROPPINGS SPLAT]
[ALL GASP]
I'm not so sure this is working.
- Maybe we should try the direct approach.
- What's that?
Watch and learn.
Excuse me. We're looking for someone
to invest in our movie.
Can you help us?
Sorry, but I prefer to
invest in real estate.
Do you know how we can raise
some big money fast?
If you have a spare bedroom at home,
you might try renting it out.
Hey, did I say something wrong again?
Uh-oh. Hillary's gonna whup me for sure.
If you wanna find out who has the money
in this town, check out the trades.
Of course. Variety. It
has all the inside info.
And all those weird headlines like:
"Execs in stix but hix nix pix."
- Huh? What's that mean?
- I'm glad you asked. You see…
♪ [SINGING] in Hollywood ♪
♪ They have a certain way they like to talk ♪
♪ It's used by all the folks ♪
♪ Who can't chew gum and also walk ♪
♪ [SINGING] It's found inside Variety ♪
♪ A movie magazine ♪
♪ And everyone who reads it ♪
♪ Wonders what the headlines mean ♪
♪ Like "Mitch makes a pitch ♪
♪ And he's gonna get rich" ♪
WAKKO:
♪ Means someone's got a movie that sold ♪
♪ - "Brando's mad, said screenplay's bad" ♪
♪ -Means someone else was offered the role ♪
♪ "It's called Fargo Two ♪
♪ With a story that's new" ♪
♪ Means they gotta shoot it all in L.A. ♪
♪ "The budget got maxed ♪
♪ So someone got faxed"” ♪
♪ WAKKO: Everybody's on the carpet ♪
♪ So the writer got the ax ♪
♪ [SINGING] "Merchandise scores ♪
♪ In the theme-park stores" ♪
♪ And Disney is the king of the hill ♪
♪ "Michael Ovitz, he talks with 20th Fox" ♪
♪ Means he wants another 93 mil ♪
♪ -if you want the poop ♪
♪ -Or you need the scoop ♪
♪ On Hollywood town this week ♪
♪ You're gonna have to learn to talk ♪
♪ That Variety speak ♪
[CHORUS SCATTING]
♪ "Studio bomb gets Oscar nom" ♪
♪ Means all the extras gotta be Brits ♪
♪ "Bronfman's play for MCA" ♪
♪ Means the Japanese are calling it quits ♪
♪ WAKKO: "No scripts are new" ♪
♪ Means Jurassic Park 2 ♪
♪ And a trillion little dinosaur toys ♪
♪ Cash flow's nice ♪
♪ They're releasing it twice ♪
♪ Since it isn't out on video ♪
♪ They're jacking up the price ♪
♪ Well, "Studio czar wants unknown star" ♪
♪ Means they couldn't get Robert Duvall ♪
♪ But they're in trouble again ♪
♪ Doing Mice and Men ♪
DOT:
♪ With Martin Short and Steven Seagal ♪
♪ You gotta stay alive ♪
♪ And if you wanna survive ♪
♪ In Hollywood town this week ♪
♪ You're gonna have to learn to talk ♪
♪ That Variety speak ♪
[CHORUS SCATTING]
♪ "Normal talk makes producers walk" ♪
♪ You might as well speak Greek ♪
♪ You're gonna have to learn ♪
♪ Or the meeting will adjourn ♪
♪ WARNERS: Unless, my friend, you learn ♪
♪ That Variety speak ♪
[ALL SCATTING]
DOT:
Hey, look at this.
There's a big New Year's Eve party tonight
in Beverly Hills.
It says the most important people
in the movie industry are gonna be there.
Ooh, that's a lot of plastic surgeons.
If we could get into that party,
do you realize what it would mean?
Free food.
[CHORUS SINGS ANGELICALLY]
And big stars.
And if we can get one of them attached
to our film
the studios will finance us.
We'll be in the movie business.
ALL:
Beverly Hills, here we come.
[ALL SCATTING]
SQUIT:
Wow, the Milky Way.
BOBBY:
Man, just look at all them stars, huh?
PESTO:
Unbelievable.
SQUIT: They look like diamonds
set into the sky, don't they?
It's beautiful.
- Must be a million of them up there.
- Billions.
I tell you guys,
this is some incredible scenery.
- What do you mean, billions?
- Huh?
What are you, some kind of smart guy?
I say millions
and you gotta top me by saying billions?
No, but there are billions of stars.
You're saying I don't know the difference
between a million and a billion?
No, I was just saying that...
What's the difference? A million,
a billion, there's a lot of stars.
Forget about it.
Mr. Carl Sagan Einstein
doesn't think I can count, is that it?
No, no, I didn't say that.
That's it. You want a billion?
Is that what you want, huh?
I'll give you a billion.
Here. Here's your billion.
Yeah, take this billion.
You want a big dipper?
You want a little dipper?
Hey, knock it off, you guys.
Are you crazy? Aah!
[ALL GRUNTING]
BOBBY:
Come on, you banana brain. Let me go.
ALL:
Bonsoir!
[English - US - SDH]