Animaniacs (1993–1998): Season 5, Episode 1 - Message in a Bottle/Back in Style/Bones in the Body - full transcript

♪ [SINGING] ♪
♪ It's time for Animaniacs ♪

♪ And we're zany to the max ♪

♪ So just sit back and relax ♪
♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ -Come join the Warner brothers ♪
♪ -And the Warner sister, Dot ♪

♪ Just for fun we run around ♪
♪ The Warner movie lot ♪

♪ They lock us in the tower ♪
♪ Whenever we get caught ♪

♪ But we break loose and then vamoose ♪
♪ And now you know the plot ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ Dot is cute and Yakko yaks ♪

♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪
♪ We pay tons of income tax ♪



♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ Meet Ralph and Dr. Scratch an sniff ♪
♪ Say hi to Hello, Nurse ♪

♪ Good feathers flock together ♪
♪ Slappy whacks them with her purse ♪

♪ Buttons chases Mindy ♪
♪ While Rita sings a verse ♪

♪ The writers flipped, we have no script ♪
♪ Why bother to rehearse? ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ We have pay-or-play contracts ♪

♪ We're zany to the max ♪
♪ There's bologna in our slacks ♪

♪ We're Animan-y ♪

♪ Totally insane-y ♪

♪ Public domain-y ♪

♪ Animaniacs ♪

♪ Those are the facts ♪

WAKKO:
I think we're lost.



Look, a message in a bottle.

Fan mail from some flounder?

No, it's from some entertainment lawyer.

We should have never stolen this bit.

At least we didn't steal this next cartoon.

That's what you think.

NARRATOR: In 1962, Termite Terrace,
Warner Bros.' original cartoon studio…

Closed its doors for the last time.

The world's best-loved cartoon stars
were given their walking papers.

Hey. Quit shoving.

Calm down, Daf.

There's a flavored drink commercial with us
written all over it in Hollywood.

Wait up, Tex. Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Opportunist.

Ha!

Ha! I got me an idea and you don't.

The gray panther.

I just loves the way he talks.

Oh, it was grim.
Twenty-nine years, we was there…

Turning out the great poop.

Then: Pfft.

The bunch of us tossed out
on the heap to rot, but quick.

[COUGHS]

NARRATOR: Things looked even worse
for the Warners.

With no more Cartoon Department,
they were sealed in the tower for keeps.

Management bet
the studio's future entirely…

On a certain upcoming big-budget,
live-action film starring Tab Boo.

Some pictures I seen over 200 times,
no problem.

Young blood Squawk, I take for 10 minutes
and my life implodes.

Last week's Hollywood opening
of Young blood Squawk was marred…

By malicious mayhem.

Hyah! Young blood Squawk
is making me lose my lunch.

I say it's the worst turkey ever made.

Are you with me?

[AUDIENCE CLAMORS]

With the failure of their costly meal
ticket, the studio needed quick cash.

[SQUAWKS]

Method actors.

That's the last time I buy a screenplay
by Herman Wouk.

What a hack. I don't care
if he did write The Caine Mutiny.

He'll never work in this town again.

To keep the studio afloat…

Thaddeus Plotz farmed out
his only remaining cartoon stars

Yakko, Wakko and Dot…

To a pair of producers working in the new
field of limited television animation.

They're all yours for two weeks.

Take them away.

See, Phil and Schmo
figured they needed…

Some kind of established
cartoon names…

To help put them on the map.

Oh, them was the days.

Low rent…

Women on both arms.

Did you know I could draw with my feet?

And now,
for the first time since April 1962…

The Warner brothers guest-starring
in Hoo Hoo Hooey.

Hey, Lew-Lew, my ring-tailed lemur pal…

Is this a great day for coming
into the suburbs and filching lunch boxes…

Or is my name
not Calhoun Q. Capybara?

Taking school lunch boxes is wrong,
Cal.

Bad things will happen…

And your head will end up smelling
like cooked cauliflower again.

Do not worry your ring-a-ding tail
over it.

I am averager
than the smartest capybara.

Hark, is that a luscious lunch box
on yon schoolyard cafeteria table?

"Careful, sibling relatives.

We mustn't tip off our presence to Calhoun,
that crazed cartoon capybara."

- This script smells like cooked cauliflower.
- Hey.

Did someone suck all the life
out of the universe?

No. They just figured out
how to draw things really flat.

ALL:
Hey.

We must be on one of those rides
in front of a supermarket.

Supermarket? Where?

Hey, what went
with all my two-dimensional goodies?

Care to make a guess?

Give me that lunch box.

Looks like a booby trap.

To me.

Don't sweat your appetite, Calvin.

These background overlays
are delicious.

[GRUNTING]

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

Aww. You need a nice, long hibernation.

There must be a flatly-drawn cave opening
around here someplace.

[YELLS]

[CRASHES]

[MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY]

Hey, Calvin. Found a use for your script.

Is that cooked cauliflower I smell?

Couldn't play second fiddle worth beans.

They had pep, those Warners. Since Phil
and Schmo had them a couple more days…

They guest-starred Dakko, Dotto
and Wot as themselves…

In another series
you might have heard of.

Who's president now?

Here's a rare clip of the Warners
guest-starring as themselves…

In an episode
of Uhuru, Where Are You?

[HOWLING]

Zinc, my heart's in my pancreas, man.

Cool it, Bristly.

There's no such thing as wailing,
disembodied phantoms.

- Right, Phoebe?
- Of course.

Say, has anyone seen Uhuru?

Gosh, he's being harassed
by those three wild and crazy Warners.

But let's call him anyway.

ALL:
Uhuru, where are you?

[HOWLING]

Yahoo!

We found us a big indoor rodeo horse.

What?

- That was special.
- You're cute, Uhuru.

What do you wanna do next?

Let's play cheesy, fake rock songs.

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

Zinc, I, like, fell on my beads, man.
Ohh.

After that, Phil and Schmo
didn't wanna see the Warners again.

Uhuru was in the vet's for 16 weeks…

And Bristly never regained
his quicksilver comic timing.

[LAUGHING]

After their ordeal,
the Warners were off-mode! For months.

But their loan-out days
were far from over.

[YELLING]

NARRATOR: After their disastrous initial foray
into the world of other peoples' cartoons…

The Warners' fortunes took
an unexpected turn.

PLOTZ: What do you mean the exit polls say
he looks like a chicken? Huh?

How could I have made that turkey?

Money. I need cash quick. Ah-ha!

Who will pay top dollar for the Warners?

Plotz here. Interested
in three really big name guest stars?

Here's another of the Warners' co-stars
to tell you what happened next.

Our ratings were sagging
and we learned the Warners were available.

But only
on an episode-by-episode basis.

We soon found out why.

POLLY:
Help, Thunderdogg.

The evil Simon San Simeon
is about to drop me…

Sweet Polly Dog nose,
in this tank of sea water…

Unless you fully regain your strength.

There's no need to fear.

My magic feather is very near.

Ah-ah-ah. Fido, you'd better use
your wits to help her.

[GRUNTS]

[POLLY SCREAMS]

Watch out or I'll lower the drawbridge.

Now, don't thank us.

But, hey, I'm not the only one
whose style got cramped.

Old Plotz still needed money.

So this time, we got the call.

Never mind our studio
didn't do their type of humor.

Humor? Forget humor.

We never did their type of film.

At Phlegmation, we had rule.

Everything had to happen off-stage.

You hear,
"'Oh, boy, a comet just fell on my head."

But you never see the comet.

And the Warners just fouled up
our stock-scene system something awful. Ow!

Where are we this time?

Seems like a vast video wasteland.

[MAN CHUCKLES]

♪ [SINGING] I'm Obese Orson ♪
♪ And I'm gonna chant a message to you ♪

- Please don't.
- We've suffered enough…

On Saturday mornings.

We just wanna have fun.

Fun? We'd better get the guys.

[WAKKO IMITATES AIRPLANE]

ORSON:
Order. Order. Order.

Order in the clubhouse, everybody.

But nobody said anything, Orson.

I know. I had to get us
over that long establishing shot.

Hey, name four sources of warm milk.

Hot chocolate and three cows.

Cut the comedy, Hooknose Harold.

They already did.

These newcomers wanna have fun
in our vast video wasteland.

[ALL GASP]

But nobody does ba-fun ba-here-ba.

ALL:
You don't have fun?

No, we prefer to preach pro-social values
till they spew out everyone's ears…

And all over the ground.

Heh. Three cows.

Harold.

Sorry.

Anyone got anything to add?

Todd A-O?

What the heck am I doing here?

You got a funny name.

Point of order.

I move we banish these three
from our vast video wasteland.

- Really?
- You're not just saying that to flatter us?

ORSON:
Get them, guys.

Can't, Ors. We're limited to three
new scenes of animation per show…

And we used them to get here.

NARRATOR: Times changed
and so did the studio's fortunes.

But Plotz neglected
to inform his hard-working cartoon stars…

Who continued
their perpetual loan-out gigs.

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ [SINGING] She was a night traveler ♪
♪ One-way passport, yes ♪

♪ It took us quite long to get wise ♪

♪ But we got wise ♪

"Profits through roof," eh?

Well, Plotz's profits
are about to have company.

No. You can't have it.

- Don't want it.
- All we ask is.

ALL:
No more loan-outs.

Don't bother me. I'm busy pouring
all this cash into our next release…

A surefire follow-up to Shemboo.

Shemboo? Oh, no.

[SQUAWKS]

It was our coop first.

And don't call us again
until we can have our own network.

That ought to be good for about, uh

20 years.

Oh, yeah, like that could ever happen.

- Here's your spareribs.
- Mm-mm!

Look at them bones.

- And here's your T-bone steak.
- Mm!

I love them bones.

[BELCHES]

Good bone.
Yeah, definitely a good bone.

Here, you'd better eat up.

You're nothing but skin and bones.

Without the skin.

You know, all this talk about bones
reminds me of a little song I used to know.

Well, why don't you play it for us, son?

No.

- I'll give you some more beans.
- No.

I won't give you some more beans.

Okay.

At least it's not the "Bean Song."

♪ [SINGS] Everybody knows about the ankle bone ♪
♪ Connected to the other bones ♪

♪ You have inside your leg ♪

♪ And everybody knows it's true ♪
♪ Without the bones inside of you ♪

♪ Your body would become ♪
♪ A scrambled egg ♪

♪ So the toe bone's connected ♪
♪ To the foot bone ♪

♪ WAKKO: And the foot bone's connected ♪
♪ To the ankle bone ♪

♪ And the slide is connected ♪
♪ To the trombone ♪

♪ The structure of the human body's ♪
♪ Something quite unique and odd ♪

♪ Imagine all the bones and joints ♪
♪ Connected to each other ♪

♪ In a complex distribution ♪
♪ Formed by years of evolution ♪

♪ And there still is some confusion ♪
♪ As to how it came to be ♪

♪ The foot and toes and ankle help us walk ♪
♪ We should be thankful ♪

♪ They're connected to the lower leg ♪
♪ Or else we'd all fall down ♪

♪ And here's the tibia, the shin bone ♪

♪ And the fibula is ingrown ♪
♪ To the back of the patella ♪

♪ Which is also catted the knee ♪

♪ Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee ♪
♪ Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee ♪

♪ Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee ♪
♪ Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee ♪

♪ Here we classify bone as the femur ♪
♪ Or the thigh bone ♪

♪ It's connected to the pelvis ♪
♪ And the lower lumbar region ♪

♪ Up the sacrum to the vertebrae ♪

♪ And doctors all prefer to say ♪
♪ The sternum or the thorax ♪

♪ When they're talking about your ribs ♪

♪ -The finger bones are numerous ♪
♪ -The upper arm's the humerus ♪

♪ The forearm's got two pieces ♪
♪ Called the radius and ulna ♪

♪ -Then the scapula and clavicle ♪
♪ -The maxilla and mandible ♪

♪ The nasal and the frontal bone ♪
♪ And cranium on top ♪

♪ The skeleton is really great ♪

♪ It helps your body stand up straight ♪

♪ Without it all, your brains and guts ♪
♪ Would fail out on the floor ♪

Well, dang, that was a real foot stomper.

Say, you don't know
"Jimmy Crack Corn," do you?

No.

"She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain"?

Who? Heather Locklear?

"Camptown Races"?
Or how about "Danny Boy"?

I love that "Danny Boy."

I'd really need the chart.

Rachmaninoff's Concerto No. 2
in C-sharp minor?

You gotta know that.

- First movement?
- Yep.

- Don't know it.
- Dang.

How about
"Michael Row the Boat Ashore"?

We could do a round.

Or "Kumbaya."

You know that one?

[English - US - SDH]