Animaniacs (1993–1998): Season 1, Episode 4 - Hooked on a Ceiling/Goodfeathers: The Beginning - full transcript

* IT'S TIME FOR ANIMANIACS *

* AND WE'RE ZANY
TO THE MAX *

* SO JUST SIT BACK
AND RELAX *

* YOU'LL LAUGH
TILL YOU COLLAPSE *

* WE'RE ANIMANIACS *

* COME JOIN
THE WARNER BROTHERS *

* AND THE WARNER
SISTER DOT *

* JUST FOR FUN
WE RUN AROUND *

* THE WARNER MOVIE LOT

* THEY LOCK US
IN THE TOWER *

* WHENEVER WE GET CAUGHT



* BUT WE BREAK LOOSE
AND THEN VAMOOSE *

* AND NOW YOU KNOW
THE PLOT *

* WE'RE ANIMANIACS *

* DOT IS CUTE

* AND YAKKO YAKS

* WAKKO PACKS AWAY
THE SNACKS *

* WHILE BILL CLINTON
PLAYS THE SAX *

* WE'RE ANIMANIACS *

* MEET PINKY AND THE BRAIN

* WHO WANT TO RULE
THE UNIVERSE *

* GOODFEATHERS
FLOCK TOGETHER *

* SLAPPY WHACKS 'EM
WITH HER PURSE *

* BUTTONS CHASES MINDY

* WHILE RITA SINGS A VERSE



* THE WRITERS FLIPPED,
WE HAVE NO SCRIPT *

* WHY BOTHER TO REHEARSE?

* WE'RE ANIMANIACS *

* WE HAVE PAY-OR-PLAY
CONTRACTS *

* WE'RE ZANY TO THE MAX *

* THERE'S BALONEY
IN OUR SLACKS *

* WE'RE ANIMANEE *

* TOTALLY INSANE-Y

* HERE'S THE SHOW'S NAME-Y

* ANIMANIACS

* THOSE ARE THE FACTS *

THE ITALIAN RENAISSANCE,

A GLORIOUS TIME OF UNPRECEDENTED
ACHIEVEMENT IN THE ARTS.

AND PERHAPS THE ERA'S GREATEST FIGURE

WAS MICHELANGELO BUONARROTI.

I'M AFRAID POPULAR CULTURE

HAS SUCCESSFULLY ERADICATED
THE ACTUAL IDENTITIES

OF THE TRUE POETS OF ART.

IN MY OPINION, THIS STINKS!

HEY, WATCH IT, DUDE.

WHAT THE?

I SHALL DEAL WITH YOU LATER.

NOW FOR A BRIEF REALITY CHECK.

MICHELANGELO WAS A BRILLIANT
ARTIST, NOT A TURTLE.

HIS MOST FAMOUS WORKS INCLUDE

THE MARBLE MASTERPIECE STATUE OF DAVID

AND, OF COURSE, THE CEILING
OF THE SISTINE CHAPEL.

YES, THIS, TOO, WAS CREATED

BY THE TORTURED GENIUS MICHELANGELO.

BUT EVEN THIS GREAT ARTIST NEEDED HELP

TO CARRY OUT HIS VISION.

OUT! OUT, YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS.

YOU CALL YOURSELVES ARTISTS?

YOU JUST CAN'T GET GOOD
HELP THESE DAYS.

AND YOU!

HOW CAN I WORK WITH ALL YOU PEASANTS

KNEELING AND MUMBLING?

BUT, MICHELANGELO, THIS IS A CHURCH.

OH, THAT EXPLAINS THAT
INFERNAL BELL RINGING.

SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!

QUIET!

I MUST BE FINISHED WITH
MY GREAT MASTERPIECE

TONIGHT BEFORE HIS EMINENCE ARRIVES.

BUT I'VE FIRED ALL MY ASSISTANTS.

I'M ALONE. ALL ALONE!

OH, HEAVENLY MUSE, SEND
ME SOME HELP! OH, WHOA!

IT'S YAKKO AND WAKKO AND OUR SISTER DOT.

IF YOU NEED YOUR CEILING PAINTED
COME SEE US

WE WILL PAINT IT BETTER THAN
A GUY NAMED GUS

IF IT'S FLAKING AND IT'S PEELING

WE WILL RENOVATE YOUR CEILING

WE WILL MAKE IT SO APPEALING
COME SEE US

CEILINGS
NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS

FRIENDS, WE'LL PAINT ANY CEILING
FOR JUST 29.95

RIGHT! HOW DO WE DO IT? NO OVERHEAD.

IN FACT, WHEN WE GET THROUGH,
WE'LL HAVE NOTHING OVER HEAD.

AND IF YOU HIRE US, YOU'LL HAVE
NOTHING IN YOUR HEAD.

WE PAINT CEILINGS, CEILINGS,
AND ONLY CEILINGS.

WE DON' PAINT FLOORS
'CAUSE THEY'RE BENEATH US.

WHO ARE YOU? WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE HEARD YOU HAVE A CEILING THAT NEEDS PAINT.

NICE BUNGALOW. THIS YOUR PLACE?

YOU FOOLS. I'M THE GREAT MICHELANGELO,

AND THIS IS THE SISTINE CHAPEL.

OH YEAH, IF YOU'RE SO GREAT

WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THE OTHER 15 CHAPELS?

HUH? GOT YOU THERE

OUT! OUT! HOW DARE YOU!

HUH?

WELL, THAT TAKES CARE OF THE COMPETITION.

GENTLEMEN! START YOUR ROLLERS.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE TOUCH-UP WILL DO
WONDERS FOR THIS PLACE.

LET ME IN! LET ME IN!

NOBODY GETS IN TO SEE THE WIZARD.
NOT NOBODY, NOT NO HOW.

BUT I'M MICHELANGELO.

THE WITCH'S MICHELANGELO?

WELL NOW, THAT'S A CEILING
OF A DIFFERENT COLOR.

AAAAHH!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO
MY BEAUTIFUL CEILING?

YOU LIKE IT?

I GOTTA TELL YOU, WE HAD
A HECK OF A TIME

COVERING UP THOSE NAKED PEOPLE.

YOU FOOLS! YOU'VE RUINED IT.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE PICTURES.

PICTURES? HE WANTS PICTURES.

HEY, DON'T WORRY, MIKE. OUR MISTAKE.

THIS HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE THAT
VENUS DE MILO ARMS FIASCO.

SAY, WHY DON'T YOU GO PAINT THAT
MOANING LISA, LEONARDO?

THAT'S DA VINCI.

THAT'S DELIGHTFUL.

THAT'S DE-LOVELY. BUT WE
GOT A CEILING TO PAINT.

BUT...

HERE, JUST PICK OUT A WALLPAPER
PATTERN AND RELAX.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

YEAH! WHEN IT COMES TO CEILINGS,
WE'RE THE TOPS.

OH, AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
PICK OUT A LINOLEUM, WHY DONTCHA?

AND DON'T FORGET YOUR UPHOLSTERY
AND BATHROOM FIXTURES.

OH, THANK YOU.

NOW DON'T YOU WORRY
YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD.

BY THE WAY, NICE TOGA.

LET ME SEE. THIS LOVELY FLORAL
PATTERN MIGHT BE JUST--

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

I'LL TEACH THOSE IDIOTS TO FOOL
WITH THE GREAT MICHELANGELO.

NO! NO! NO!

I'M RUINED. RUINED!

I KNEW IT. HE PREFERS THE YOUNG ELVIS.

IT IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THIS.

OH! MORE NAKED PEOPLE.

I WOULDN'T GO FLASHING THAT AROUND
IF I WERE YOU, MIKE. THIS IS A CHURCH.

BUT HIS EMINENCE IS COMING TONIGHT,
AND IT MUST BE FINISHED.

PLEASE, YOU GOT TO HELP ME.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU EXPECT US
POOR, INNOCENT CHILDREN

TO CLIMB UP DANGEROUS SCAFFOLDING

AND PAINT NAKED PEOPLE
ALL OVER A CHURCH?

WE'LL DO IT!

BUT WE'RE NOT DOING IT
FOR THE SAKE OF ART,

AND WE'RE NOT DOING IT
FOR THE SAKE OF MONEY.

NO. WE'RE DOING IT BECAUSE
WE LIKE PAINTING NAKED PEOPLE.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
PAINT IN THIS BLANK SPACE.

AND HIS EMINENCE WILL
BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

IT'S HIS EMINENCE. HIS EMINENCE!

LOOK, IT'S HIS EMINENCE.
HIS EMINENCE IS COMING.

GADZOOKS, HIS EMINENCE.

DON'T WORRY, MIKE. YOU GO
SAY HOWDY, WE'LL FINISH UP.

YOUR EMINENCE.
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.

I'VE WORKED SO HARD TO PLEASE YOU.

I HOPE YOU LIKE MY CEILING.

AAH! I'M RUINED!

I LIKE IT.

HEY, MIKEY, HE LIKES IT.

PAINTING IS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS.

YOU HAVE TO KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

AS FAR BACK AS I CAN REMEMBER,

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A GOODFEATHER.

YOU SEE, IF YOU WERE A GOODFEATHER,
YOU HAD IT ALL.

YOU WERE A SOMEBODY IN A NEIGHBORHOOD

FULL OF NOBODIES, LIKE BOBBY AND PESTO.

THOSE GUYS WERE MY HEROES.

HEY, COO, I'M WALKIN' HERE.

YOU WALKIN' WITH ME?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'?

ARE YOU WALKIN' WITH ME?

I DON'T SEE ANYBODY ELSE HERE.

ARE YOU WALKIN' WITH ME?

BOBBY AND PESTO WEREN'T
AFRAID OF NOTHING OR NOBODY.

EH, COO YOU!

YEAH, RUN, RUN, PUSSYCAT.

MESS WITH US, WILL YOUSE?

COO OFF!

CAT DON'T KNOW COO ABOUT
WHAT HE'S MESSIN' WITH.

YEAH, I HEAR THAT.

HEY, GOODFEATHERS.

HOW YOU DOIN', BOBBY? HIYA, PESTO.

LOOK WHAT WE GOT OVER HERE.

WHAT'S WITH YOU?

I'D LIKE TO BECOME A GOODFEATHER.

MAKE HIM STOP! HE'S KILLIN' ME!

YOU? A GOODFEATHER?

GET HIM OUTTA MY FACE.

RIGHT.

GET OUTTA HERE! BUZZ OFF!

GET HIM. "I WANNA BE A GOODFEATHER."

WE'RE GETTIN' A LOT OF LAUGHS TODAY.

WHAT A BIRD!

FEATHER HEAD!

AW, DON'T LAUGH, GUYS.

I WANNA BE A TOUGH BIRD,
YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU, PESTO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

I SAID YOU'RE TOUGH, THAT'S ALL.

YOU SAYING I'M AN OVERDONE
PIECE OF MEAT?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

WHAT AM I, A PLATE OF DRY STICK BUTT
MEAT HERE TO AMUSE YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I JUST SAID YOU'RE TOUGH.

I AM TOUGH?
YEAH.

I'M TOUGH?
YEAH, YOU'RE TOUGH.

THAT'S IT! I'LL SHOW YOU "TOUGH."

THE GODPIGEON.

PESTO. PESTO. HO! PESTO!

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT'D I DO? WHAT?

THE GODPIGEON, SOLLY, WANTS
TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

UH, I'M SQUIT.

SQUIT? WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT?

IT'S A STUPID ONE, THAT'S WHAT.
SQUIT.

LISTEN, I'LL DO ANYTHING
TO BE A GOODFEATHER.

HE SAYS YOU'RE IN.

ALL RIGHT!

IF YOU COME THROUGH WITH SOME FOOD.

SURE. I'LL GET SOME FOOD. NO PROBLEM.

ALL RIGHT! A BAGEL!

GO FOR IT, KID. YOU NEED HELP?
WE'LL HELP.

EH, FORGET ABOUT IT.

HE NEEDS HELP.

ALL RIGHT, THERE IT IS.

I'M GOING FOR IT.
NO, I'M GOIN' FOR IT!

NO, I'M GOING IN!

I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

GO FOR IT.
PIPE DOWN.
GO FOR IT, WILL YOU?

HEY, COO OFF. I'LL GO FOR IT
WHEN I WANNA GO FOR IT.

SO, GO FOR IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

I'M DYIN' HERE.

OK, SO WHAT'S THE PLAN WITH THE BAGEL?

TAXI!

TAXI! TAXI!

TAKE YOU ANYWHERE. 14 DOLLAR.

14 DOLLARS?!

UH, TAXI?

WHO ORDERED THE SQUAB UNDER GLASS?

HEY!

AAH! OHH! OHH! EEUW!
NASTY, AWFUL RATS WITH WINGS!

UGH! YOU FILTHY, STINKING BIRDS!

SO THIS IS THE PLAN, SEE?

WE GET UNDER THE MANHOLE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
THEN WE SNATCH THE BAGEL
FROM UNDERNEATH.

YEAH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH, FORGET ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE A GENIUS, BOBBY.

YEAH, I'M A GENIUS OVER HERE.

YEAH, YOU'RE A REAL SMART BIRD, BOBBY.

WHO ASKED YA?
NOBODY.
KEEP YOUR BEAK IN YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

STOP WITH THE KICKING!

WHAT'S WITH THE SIZE 12 UPSIDE THE HEAD?

BADA-BING. THERE SHE IS.

GET YOUR FLIPPIN' WING OUTTA MY EYE!

QUIT SHOVIN', WILL YA?

SHOVE YOU, YOU SACK OF PILLOW STUFFING!

YOU TWO PIPE DOWN!

GOT IT.

I HAD IT. I HAD IT.
THEN BADA BING BAM BOOM!

MY WING'S INTRODUCED TO RADIAL TIRES.

WHERE'D YOU GE THE UNIFORM, BOBBY?

YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS. WAIT HERE.

HAH!
ALL RIGHT, WE DID IT.

YES. PESTO, YOU ARE ONE SWELL BIRD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

I SAID YOU'RE SWELL, THAT'S ALL.

YOU SAYIN' THAT I GOT A BIG HEAD?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'?

WHAT AM I, A BLOATED PUFFY
ROUND HEAD HERE TO AMUSE YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I SAID YOU'RE SWELL.

I AM SWELL?
YEAH, YOU'RE SWELL.

SWELL?
YEAH.

THAT'S IT! HERE'S YOUR "SWELL."
I GOT YOUR "SWELL" RIGHT HERE.

I'LL SHOW YOU "SWELL."

PESTO, SQUIT, KNOCK IT OFF.

HEY! YO! HUH?

OHH GUESS I'M OUT.

THE GODPIGEON.

YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN
THE GODPIGEON'S BLESSING.

YOU'RE IN.
I'M IN! I MADE IT!

HE SLOBBERED
ALL OVER ME OVER HERE!

MAYBE HE THINKS YOU'RE CUTE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

CUTE? YOU THINK I'M CUTE?

THAT'S IT! CUTE? I'LL SHOW YA "CUTE"!
HERE'S YOUR "CUTE"!

YOU WANNA "CUTE"? HERE'S YOUR "CUTE"!
YOU DE-EVOLVED RACK OF DINOSAUR BONES!

AND THAT'S HOW I BECAME A GOODFEATHER.

GEE, YAKKO, I'M CONFUSED.

WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

NO, I MEAN ABOUT TODAY'S SHOW.

WHAT WAS THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

GOOD QUESTION, WAKKO.

AND TO LEARN THE ANSWER,

LET'S CONSULT THE WHEEL OF MORALITY!

WHEEL OF MORALITY, TURN, TURN, TURN

TELL US THE LESSON THAT WE SHOULD LEARN.

MORAL NUMBER 4.

AND THE MORAL OF TODAY'S STORY IS

NEVER ASK, WHAT HOT DOGS ARE MADE OF.

OF COURSE, IT ALL MAKES
PERFECT SENSE NOW.

THANKS FOR CLEARING THAT UP.

MY PLEASURE.

SET THREE EXTRA PLACES!
WE'RE COMING OVER FOR DINNER!