Animals. (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Cats - full transcript

Hmm...

Mmm!

♪ Hold me for the,
hold me for the moment ♪

- Bye, Mommy!
- Bye!

- Bye!
- Bye, Mom!

- She looks good.
- She does look really good.

So, first off, we have,

um, tickle fight for the next two hours.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

So that's just you and me back and

- forth tickle fighting.
- Got it.



Hour two, we're gonna wrap around the back

of the couch and we're
gonna scratch at it.

- Mm-hmm.
- So, really loose,

really impromptu session

of just scratching the back of the couch.

Mm-hmm.

After that, we're gonna
play the ball game.

Right, of course.

- The little tiny ball.
- Yeah, the tiny ball.

- Just bat it back and forth.
- Mm-hmm.

And after that, we're gonna
go into a pre-lunch snack.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- A light thing of dry food

- before we get into the wet food.
- I'm sorry.

- Phil, I just need to interrupt you.
- Go ahead. Go ahead.



Because I just want to
make sure that you know

I do have something at 3:30.

Something, meaning like...

It's just something I have in my calendar.

Well, push it.

- I can't....
- Well, push it.

Look, I... You can't...

- I'm sorry.
- You can't spring this on me!

I... Look, I can't move it.

- I... Mike!
- It's something

that's very important to me.

What is it that's so important?

- You want me to tell you what it is?
- Yes, I wanna know!

All right.

At 3:30 today... I have naptime with Phil.

We're doing naptime today, man.

I'm messing with you!

Oh, don't get upset.

Don't get ups... No...

Okay, I'm sorry.

- That was a joke. It was a joke.
- No...

- No, it was...
- I love you. Look at me.

I love you.

I love you so much.

- I love you a lot.
- I love you so much.

I just love you so...

Excuse me. Neighbors?

- Whassup?
- Mike, who is that?

Okay, I don't.... I'm not sure, actually.

I don't know.

I've never... What's happening?

- No... Tell him to go away.
- Um...

- No espeakay...
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No espeakay Español.

- No espeakay.
- Uh...

- No, no, no, no, no...
- No espeakay!

I'm your neighbor. I locked myself out.

I just wouldn't mind
using your kitty litter.

I'm prairie-dogging pretty hard.

We've all been there.

Okay, sir, um,

you can understand we don't normally

get visitors like this, so...

I know I look like a
squatter or something.

I live right next door.

- I mean, I'm right...
- Oh, you're in 103?

- Yes.
- We've never seen

him before, though.

Well, Mike, I would say, I've
never left the apartment.

- Oh, that's true.
- So...

We have not gone outside these walls.

That's probably it.

So, yeah, if I
could really get in there.

I'm about to explode.

He's got to use the bathroom.

I mean, this is just rude.

This is just rude at
this point. Get in here!

This is rude of us.

Get in here, guy! Come in here!

Neighborly, right? I
should have brought something.

Oh...

So, we were flying over Calgary, right?

- And we was like...
- Yeah, we were right over there. Yeah.

Yeah, and we saw this Boeing come by.

- That's a plane.
- That's a big plane.

Remember the big plane, Shane?

- Yeah, the Boeing 747.
- Yeah.

Okay, so he knows the deal, okay.

Yeah, it was huge. And
you can't really pass them

- because of the side things on its wing.
- Right. Mm-hmm.

- You get sucked right into it.
- Right.

That happened to Gary.

- Do you remember Gary?
- Oh, my... Yes!

No, I know. And I remember.

And the feathers were flying
all over the place.

And I said,

"Well, Gary has just passed on."

- That's right.
- You said, Do you

remember what I said? I said,

"Gary has just passed on."

- Guys, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I said that.

You just... Can you just stop?

Just stop talking?

Do you know how many times
you've told this story?

- It always feels like the first time.
- Mm-hmm.

Every day! In this exact spot.

Aren't you sick of this?

Should we move?

- There's a trash can over there.
- Yeah, it's right there.

- It's great.
- We've been to the trash can.

I feel like there's a
whole world out there,

and we've never seen it.

Aren't you curious?

We should head over to the trash can.

Let's go to the trash can.

I think we just go.

Why don't you guys go to the trash can.

I'm just gonna...

I think I gotta go.

Huh. Well, good on Shane, you know?

So, anyway, he gets too
close to the wing,

and he just got...
whoosh! sucked right in.

Oh my God, it was so disturbing.

What the...

No way.

Swans.

Sorry about that. You understand.

You can't just let anybody in.

Totally fine. Water under the bridge.

- I don't think we got your name?
- Alex.

- Alex, oh cool.
- Yes, nice to meet you.

- I'm Mike.
- Mike.

- This is my brother, Phil.
- Phil.

- Okay, Phil, what's up?
- What's going on?

How you doing?

- So cool.
- This is cool.

So cool to have another guy in here.

This is different.

Um, so this is our home.

Mi casa es su casa.

Holy shit.

- Yeah, it's um...
- Yeah, no, it's pretty nice.

- This is our space.
- Home sweet home.

We're actually thinking of
knocking down this divider wall

- Mm-hmm.
- and making it one...

Less with the chatting,
more with the touring.

- Am I right?
- Yeah!

- Let's give him a tour!
- Let's do it!

- Let me check this place out.
- Okay, cool.

What kind of expensive shit
do you have in this house?

Yeah, so this is my little scratch pad.

This is where I come to get away.

Um, just be, like, creative,
and really let the juices flow.

Wait, what are you working on?

Oh, it's nothing, really.

It is something.

Tell him. Tell Alex.

Well, it's a little novel. Um, it's...

- You're writing a book?
- Yeah.

That's always been a dream of mine.

Oh my God, it's so nice
to see another writer!

Insane, right?

Yeah, it's a novel about my brother, Mike.

- So, it's...
- Amazing.

Yeah, he commissioned
me to write it. I did.

So, it's a mixture of Mike
history, Mike anecdotes,

and just general Mike-isms.

- Uh-huh. - 'Cause
I think it's...

it's such an honor to
be with you every day,

- and I love you so much.
- Oh, thank you, so much.

I love you so much.

- You are everything to me.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.

You guys have an intense relationship.

- I don't know about "intense."
- I don't think it's that...

Well, I mean, intimate, brotherly...

- Brotherly is the word.
- intimacy.

A brotherly intimacy.

- You wanna go see the mirror?
- Yes!

Let's see the mirror. You gotta

- see Mike's mirror.
- It's gorgeous!

I'm into mirrors.

Cool, so this is my mirror.

Um, I guess, just, really where
I go to, well, look at myself.

- Nice.
- Me, too.

- But it's really...
- But I go to look at yourself.

Sorry to interrupt. Go ahead, babe.

Uh, no, it's also... It's also
where I go to work on myself.

- I take my comb...
- Yeah, Alex,

- And I just start to...
- Alex, come here.

Watch this.

Watch this. Watch his technique.

- I just... ever so...
- Uh-huh...

And it's just... Alex,
you watching this?

Watch his downstrokes. Oh, my goodness.

You know, a thousand combs a day.

Not a comb shy, Alex.

- 1,000.
- What...

How else do you think I get this
perfect coat? And it is perfect.

And it is perfect, Alex.

It's great. Almost as good as mine.

I don't...

- What is your regimen for this?
- You know, I do want to ask you,

- is how do you...?
- Au naturel, yeah. Au naturel.

I have a bunch of dreadlocked
fur around my asshole.

My asshole looks like Rob Zombie.

♪ I am the Astro-Creep ♪

Yeah!

Okay, we've got more
of the apartment to see.

- Why don't we go ahead and...
- Okay, cool.

I'd love to see more.

And I think Mom said she was gonna
place a runner in this hallway

- because it's getting a little...
- Oh, it was right here.

- Sorry to interrupt.
- What is that over there?

Um...

I'm sorry, my...

Why is he having a Vietnam
flashback over there?

- Fuck...
- Well...

uh, he gets very sensitive when
the shot box is brought up...

- Uh-huh.
- I don't wanna

go in the shot box!

- You're not going in the...
- Don't put me in the shot box, man!

No one's putting you in
the shot box, Phil, okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's just whenever someone brings up
the shot box, I get all freaked out.

What happens in the shot box?

We get locked in it, and
then they bring us somewhere,

and then some motherfucker
sticks us with shots.

The shot box is not a good place.

You don't wanna go in the shot box, Alex.

You don't wanna be in the shot box, Alex.

That's all I'll say.

Yeah...

So, about that litter box?

Uh, I could really use a shit.

- Oh, cool.
- It's just down the hall here,

- and then to the left.
- Perfect.

Oh, I hope he has a good shit.

- I hope he passes well.
- I hope he does.

Come on, come on. What
do we got? What do we got?

Where is it?

Come on, come on.

Bingo!

Jackpot.

Just put it...

We cannot put the snack within
the food, 'cause then he...

- He's coming.
- Oh, all right.

I'm gonna get going.

- You're leaving?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I just used the litter
box. Thank you so much, guys.

- Nice meeting you.
- No, you gotta stay.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- You gotta stay.

I mean, I got a bunch of stuff to
do. I really should hit the road.

Alex, we know you're super busy,

and we just thought we'd
lay out all this stuff.

Look, we have, um, four
different types of dry food,

and we have eight types of cat
toys that we can all play with

and share together. And we figured,

I don't know, as our new best friend,

we should feast together a little bit.

Wow. I mean... thank you.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything. Eat.

- Whoa.
- Okay.

Wow.

Alex, you're...

When's the last
time you've eaten, buddy?

Okay, gross.

He's eating the toys, too.

I think he's eating
the toys at this point.

He's just...

He's so... Okay.

Whoa, he's just...

- Easy. Breathe, breathe.
- Wow.

- Breathe.
- Shh. Shh.

That was nuts.

That was fucking nuts.

That was pretty fucked up and wild.

That was sick.

- That was sick.
- That was cool.

That was really cool.

Hey, Alex, by the way, have
you ever, um, tried catnip before?

'Cause we recently got this new
strain, and it is primo stuff.

Oh, you gotta try it, Alex.

No, I've never even... What
is that? Is that like...

It's just a super chill thing
that Mike and I use to sort of relax

and really just kind of... just

- take the edge off.
- Hang out,

and take the edge off, you

- know what I mean?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I like the sound of that.

Let me light you, dude.

Take that in.

Watch how he's just sucking it
up. He's not being a pussy about it.

Hold it in, bitch.

Yeah, he coughs a lot.

I'm cool.

You take a hit, man.

- Uh, me? I...
- Here, Mike.

Here take the bong, Mike.

- Light him up.
- Uh, sure.

- Breathe in deep.
- Okay.

- Like this?
- Nice, yeah, dude.

Hold it in. hold it in.

Oh... fuck...

- Whoa!
- He's so high!

Alex is fucked up!

Oh, fuck...

He's feeling it now.

- You're feeling it.
- Haha!

Excuse me?

- Huh?
- Are you okay?

Hi... Yeah.

Oh, you just seemed
kind of... a little lost,

so I just wanted to come
over and introduce myself.

I'm Olivia.

Hi. I'm... Sorry, I'm Shane.

I'm new here. I...

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

And forgive me if it's too personal,

but are you... a black swan?

Am I a black swan?

That was the question.

Right.

Um...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I knew it!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
- I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

That's why I came over.

'Cause I got so
excited 'cause I saw you,

Oh.

And I 've never seen
anybody like you over here before,

and you just stood
out. You seem different.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I'm a black swan.

I'll show you around, okay?

- Okay.
- Just follow me.

Okay, great.

Wow.

This place is pretty incredible.

This is Central Park!

It's a place where anything
could happen, dreams come true...

Ooh, I see my friend, H&M.

H&M!

Oh, H&M, this is Shane. Shane, H&M.

- Hi.
- Hi. I'm sorry,

- Your name is Shane?
- Yeah.

Yeah, they should take away the "ane,"

just call you "Sh" 'cause I
don't want to hear you talk.

Shane's from, uh...
Wait, where are you from again?

Oh, just like, over...

- the... freeway.
- Oh, yeah, the freeway.

The freeway? What do
we got here, a goose?

Oh, God, no.

This guy is a swan, right?

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I'm just saying,

Shane, you don't seem like
the other swans I know.

Well, I'm... I'm black.

- Oh, you're a black swan.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. So, you know the
swan song, you know all the...

Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh, Shane, I wanted to ask you,

what is the swan song?

- Come on.
- What? Olivia?

If he's a swan, he knows the swan song.

Of course.

Okay, so...

Shane, you didn't tell
me what the swan song was.

Oh, I didn't tell
you. You were asking me?

- Yeah.
- I... Don't you know?

No, I know what it is.

Prove it. Prove
that you know what it is.

"Country Grammar" by Nelly.

Right, exactly, it's "Country
Grammar" by Nelly.

All right. So, you're a swan.

Whew. I hate geese, man.

Yeah, me too.

I'm not even sure geese are real.

The honking though? The sound they make?

- Why would anybody honk?
- It's like...

- Yeah.
- That's not the sound a swan makes.

Totally, totally.

- Oh, Shane, my dog.
- Yeah?

I wanted to mention, now
that you're down with the crew,

- Cool.
- I'm actually gonna

be deejaying tonight

- at Club Men.
- Oh, yeah!

You gotta come!

- Right here, baby.
- Your golden ticket. Check it out.

That sounds super fun.

So, see you there?

Oh, no, click that one.

- You ever see this one?
- Oh, this one.

No, no, no, hit that one.

- No, hold up, watch this...
- This is my favorite part.

What the fuck was in that?

- Oh, right?
- Oh, fuck...

Aah!

I... I'm a kitten again.

And there's all my brothers and sisters.

But not me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

He's coming for me now.

What? Get off me!

Aah!

He tossed me into an alley.

Alone.

Scared.

He made me an alley cat.

Alex, Alex, Alex!

- Alex, wake up!
- You all right, man?

- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay?

Yeah, I just, I...

I had this crazy flashback.

- Really?
- Whoa.

- Yeah, it's awful.
- Well, you're safe now.

You're here with us, man.

- Everything's cool.
- We care for you, you know?

Oh, fuck.

Um...

I lied to you guys.

I'm an alley cat. I came in here
to... I came here to rob you guys.

It's really lame.

I'm so embarrassed. Here you
go. Here's all your stuff back.

I'm so...

Are you done?

- Are you done with your little speech?
- Are you done with your speech?

Uh, why is that funny?

- Look at his face!
- Look at his face.

Oh my God, he's so honest now.

- He's honest now.
- He's Honest Alex now.

Alex, Alex,

you think we didn't
know that the whole time?

- What do you mean...
- Alex, you think we're dumb-dumbs?

You think we're fucking idiots, man?

Okay, guys,

I'm gonna go. It's time for me to leave.

No, no, no, no, no!

Alex, Alex, Alex.

Alex, you don't get it, man.

You're ours now, dude.

What... Uh, what do you guys
mean? What are you talking about?

Yeah, we own you, Alex,

and frankly, we're just
gonna fuck you up, dude.

Oh, look at that!

- Mikey's got a little knifey!
- Oh, fuck!

- Help me!
- Mikey's got a little knifey!

Help, somebody help!

Somebody help!

Help me!

I can't hear you, Club
Men, make some noise!

DJ H&M coming at you hot, right now!

Who's ready for some Nelly?!

- Finally, some Nelly!
- Okay, no,

I left it at home. Um...

Here's something that
sounds similar to Nelly.

You know, library music from
some sort of... Just as good.

You're so easy to talk to.

You, too! I was just gonna say,

you are so easy to talk to.

- That's so funny that you were...
- Thanks.

- I'd like to make a toast.
- Yes.

Um, I'm really happy that I met you,

and you seem really nice.

To Shane and Olivia!

To Shane and Olivia.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

Whoo!

This is it, okay!

Okay, see my hips?

Whoa, he's got the sticks!

You have really beautiful eyes.

I was just gonna say the same thing.

Well, I have to admit something to you.

Anything.

I've never been with a black guy before.

Oh, my God.

- Let me just lift up my feathers.
- Oh, my God.

Here we go.

Wait, what was that?!

- What?
- Dude, you just honked!

H&M, what are you doing in here?!

He's a goose, I told you!

That's a goose's honk!

What are you talking about?

Shane's not a goose.

Right, Shane?

Olivia, I'm sorry.

Oh, God!

I'm still the same bird.

Just get out of here.

Get out of my club.

Goose!

Get out of here, honky!

Are you kidding me, a goose?!

I'm 'bout to lose my shit on this goose!

Back up, back up, back up!

Get your fucking wings off me, bro!

Hey, Shane.

Hi, Olivia.

So, was everything between us a lie?

No. I've never met anyone like you.

Well, I've never met anyone like you.

But I just can't stay here.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm not sure.

But what I do know is that this
place just... It's not for me.

I'm just a simple goose.

If you ever change your
mind, you know where I'll be.

In or around the men's public
restroom in Central Park.

It was nice meeting you, Olivia.

All right.

All right.

So, anyway, we were
right over Calgary, right?

- Right. Right. Yup.
- You remember that?

And we were flying...
I'm in third position.

Oh, you remember Gary, right?

Gary, he could never stay in the V.

As hard as he tried.

Then that big bird came,

- that big Boeing.
- Right.

Lo and behold...

Gary gets sucked right into that engine,

And poof! Just a cloud of feathers.

Gary is gone!

Shane's back!

- Oh, Shane!
- What's up, guys?

Exactly, yeah!

No, I mean, I saw bits and pieces
of Gary flying all over the place.

It's like, "There's some Gary.

- There's some
Gary. - Uh-huh.

"Hey, my best friend, Gary!"

Yeah.

All right, guys, not funny anymore.

You can let me out now.

Guys!

Okay, so, Alex, hey, uh...

- Should I come out now?
- Yeah, go, go.

- Okay, okay.
- Go. Show him.

Uh, hey, Alex, what's up? It's Mike.

- Ooh. Wow.
- Um...

- Rev your tool. Rev your tool.
- Okay, right, right.

Oh... Like a dentist?

I don't even know.

- Tell me when to come out.
- Okay, okay, hold on.

So, presenting, Phil...

Bah-buh, baah!

I don't know, I just
ordered it off the Internet.

I don't know, it's spooky enough.

No, it's good. It's good.

I don't really know what
it means or anything.

Alex, what are you thinking about these?

- Who's scarier?
- Are these, um...

Fuck the both of you, man!

I'm gonna straight up murder you!

I'm gonna cut you open and
I'm gonna rape you, buddy!

- What? Phil, okay, let's hold on.
- I'm sorry.

- I didn't mean that.
- I didn't mean the rape thing.

Help!

- No.
- That's not gonna do anything.

- Help!
- That's okay.

Phil, you know what, your back thing,
the buckle, I just need to fix it.

- Thank you so much.
- Just turn around for a second.

- Thank you, honey, thank you.
- Fuck. Okay, Alex.

Think. Think, think, think, think...

Wait a minute.

Holy shit, it's the same lock.

All right, Alex.

Get ready to open up,
in more ways than one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait!

Before you guys kill me,

Phil, would you, uh...

Hmm?

Would you mind reading from your novel?

From my novel? No, I couldn't.

- It's still in a first draft.
- Wait, Phil,

this is perfect, actually.

- What? Why?
- Well, now you have an audience.

I think Alex really wants to hear it.

It's just like a last rites thing.

It'd be a nice way for me to go.

Okay. All right, I'm gonna do it.

- Okay, cool.
- Okay, okay.

Okay, this is the middle of chapter 18.

- Oh, I love 18.
- Okay, great.

Okay, everyone shut up. Hehe.

"It was a dark and stormy night last fall.

Phil was always afraid of thunder.

It reminded him of a vacuum."

Easy, easy...

"As he cowered in fear like a
stupid little baby under the couch,"

Yes!

"he thought that maybe things
Peace out, motherfuckers.

Weren't gonna be that good
after that. Until he saw a paw."

Oh, man.

"He saw Mike."

- Okay, that's it.
- Dude!

That's all I'm gonna read
for now. Was that good?

Yes, dude, are you kidding me?

Well, you inspired me to do it!

Honestly, I bet there's
not a dry eye in the house.

Uh... You know what, he's gone.

'Cause we were looking at each other.

We were making pretty intense eye

- contact throughout that.
- I can't not.

Fuck.

Should we...

- chase after him?
- I don't know.

What time is it?

It's 3:30.

I love you, Phil.

I love you, Mike.

I love you so much, Mike.

I loved it. It was great. Chapter seven...

How many of these do we have?

I'm getting kind of tired.

Parched too. If I could get
a water, that'd be great.

All right, what's your name, brother?

Hi, my name is Max.

Hey, Max.

I... I... I run "Alex Questions,"

the Tumblr blog that q... that
questions... uh, questioning your book.

Oh, you write that?

There's just a lot of holes and...
and questions that a lot of us have.

You're saying that you were assaulted,

but you don't show any
of the typical signs

of... post-traumatic s... stress...

Did you fabricate... D... Did
you fabricate the... the book?

No. And I went through a lot of therapy

to help me with my PTSD,

thank you, and I'm a strong person.

Unlike some people that write a blog.

You ever written a book?

I wrote a children's book when I was 22.

What's it called?

"The Third Best Tree."

"The Third Best Tree"?

Hey, everybody, the author of
"The Third Best Tree" is here.

"The Third Best Tree" is a
fiction book, sir, and y...

you're claiming this is a memoir, sir.

It is a memoir, a good one.

A lot of people suspect that you fff...

fabricated sss... some
portions of the story wholesale.

Well, d-d-d-d-d-d-d I didn't.

Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks.

- Discrimination.
- Discrimination?

Answer the facts,
sir. Answer the question!

Don't make fun of the messenger's
childhood stutter.

Aah!