Animals. (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dogs - full transcript

So maybe we'll circle back around

and then take the... take the back way

to the house this time
because I haven't pissed

on anything back there in recent memory.

Oh, no.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. We can't go...

I can't go in there. No, no, no, no.

Mom.

Oh, fuck.

No...



We got a new one! Dog

Oh, here we go. Fresh meat.

Mm! Looking good, sweetheart.

- Woop-woop!
- Uh...

All right, Phil. You got this, man.

You got this.

Hey, guys. How's it goin'?

Throwing some dice. So dope.

Keep it together.

Oh, hey.

Okay, that's yours. That's fine.

Not making eye contact. Just... Oh!

I've locked eyes with him.

He is angry.



Nice teeth, dude.

Floss much?

Oh, hi there.

Oh, h... hey, man. How's it goin'?

Haven't seen you around
the dog park before.

I bet you could use a friend.

Thanks, man. I'm Phil.

Hey, Phil.

It's actually my first time here

and it's a little daunting,
to be honest with you.

Anytime, man.

So let me ask you a question.

You're a purebred, right?

Uh, yeah. My mom was a papillon,

so is my dad, so I guess so, yeah.

That's great.

100%. That's what I'm talkin' about.

- Purebreds.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

You know what's nice is
when there's another purebred

and we can kind of talk about the mutts.

- Mutts. Gotcha, gotcha.
- Non-purebreds. Yeah.

Um, I'm sorry, but real quick,

what is that right there? Is that a...

- Is that a birthmark?
- Oh, this?

You know, it's just a little marker I got

just to, you know, let people know

- where I'm coming from. A tattoo.
- No. This is great.

Uh, I think I'm good.

I'm just gonna head over to

- the water bowl.
- All right.

- I'll see you around, Phil.
- No.

- You're the man!
- No.

- Good friend right there!
- We're not.

- Hey! Hey, everyone!
- I don't know this guy. No.

- This guy's with me.
- No. I am not with him.

I want it to be clear,
I'm not with this guy.

- Hey, Phil! My buddy Phil!
- No. No.

Okay.

Oh, fucking A.

Hey.

You don't wanna drink from
that side of the trough.

Why?

Oh, boy.

It's the piss side over there, okay?

Oh... Oh, Jesus!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you thinkin'?

I... It's my first day
here. I don't know anything, man.

I should've known. Look at you. Huh.

I'm just kidding, man. What's up?

- I'm Mike. How's it goin', man?
- Hey.

- Good. Phil.
- What are you in for?

I didn't fuckin' do anything, dude.

I'm innocent.

Yeah, I've heard that one before.

We're all innocent when
we're in the park, huh?

What are you here for?

I mean, do you...

Exercise and recreation.

Yeah? Cool. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm kind of a veteran of the

- park, actually,
- Oh, nice.

- So you kind of found the guy.
- Sick.

Look, if you want to survive here,

you gotta play by the rules of the park.

You're right.

- Number one...
- Mm-hmm?

Do not touch anything that is not yours.

- Okay. That's cool.
- Okay, and this is very important,

- and I can tell you why. No, I get it.
- Ooh, there's a ball.

No... What are you...
Phil, what are you doing?

It was a ball. It was a ball.

- Dude, I just said this, man.
- Ahem.

Excuse you.

What's in your mouth right now?

Uh, just a ball. It's
actually really good.

It's, like, one of the blue chewy ones.

- Mm-hmm...
- It's still warm, which is great.

Do you taste anything
familiar on that? Hold on.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah. You taste that on the ball?

- Yeah.
- 'Cause that's my spit.

- Oh, yeah.
- That's her spit, bro.

- That's her spit, bro.
- I got it. Thank you.

She spit right in my
face, so I really got that

- right off the bat.
- Now, why

would my spit be on that ball?

I know. I know exactly why.

Why would it be there?

I'm not sure. Is it... Is it your ball?

- Is that it?
- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

- ding, ding, ding, ding.
- Okay.

- Dinga linga ling, yo.
- Tell him what he's won.

Yeah, I'm not sure what's happening here.

This is a lot to take in at once.

I'm pretty sure they put the
balls in here for all of us,

so it shouldn't be...

What are you... Why are
you guys laughing so much?

- Oh, man.
- What is this?

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, wrong. So wrong.

- Incorrect? Okay.
- Angela, um...

Sorry. How's it going? Mike from before.

Yeah.

Um, so sorry about Phil...

Enough talk.

Homeboy, you and me are gonna dance.

Oh, shit.

- Okay...
- Yeah.

When the shadows cover the Karen,

we're gonna have us a
good, old-fashion showdown.

Dun, dun. dun...

What is... No.

- All right.
- No.

- Fine. Whatever.
- Yeah, old-fashion showdown.

Old-fashion showdown is going down.

Yeah, it's going down hardcore. Oh, boy.

- Cool. No, I heard her.
- That's a lot of trouble.

You did hear her. You heard what she said.

I did. Yeah.

Old-fashioned showdown. It's

an old-fashioned showdown.

When that shadow falls on Karen,

you're gonna shit yourself.

You know, she's not here anymore,

- so you guys can...
- What?

- An... Angela, wait up!
- Angela?

- Angela?
- Elmo, come on!

America.

America.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Huh?
- Okay!

Take him in.

Truthfully, your... your
head looks crazy to me.

- I've never seen anything like it.
- It does?

Do you think I should get a new one?

It's like a bulb. It's like a lightbulb.

What should I do?

It fits inside my owner's mouth.

- No.
- Yeah!

- Ugh.
- Do you think I'm ugly?

No! I think you're beautiful.

I think you're young,
and that's not an insult.

I am... Stop saying... I'm not young.

I'm in heat right now,
okay? You're one years old.

- How are you in heat?
- God, you're just a baby.

- Don't try to grow up too fast.
- I am not a baby!

I marked something the other

day with my lady juices.

You peed on something.

No, I lady juiced it. "Lady juices..."

- Oh, my God.
- I lady juiced it!

And they left the TV
on this horrible movie

for, like, eight hours.

It was just playing over

- and over again.
- Okay.

- I have to tell you something.
- What?

- I'm pregnant. I think.
- What?!

- Who's the father?
- Oh, my gosh. Be quiet.

I'm sorry. I'm shocked. I don't want...

I know, but just listen.

- Who is it?
- It was a schnauzer, okay?

- Oh, my God.
- We met at doggy day care.

- I don't know. It's just...
- Oh, my God.

How many do you think it is?

Feels like a real pack.

Your belly does look really big.

I thought you were just gaining weight.

- You noticed?
- Yeah, but I was just happy.

I thought maybe you were

- getting good food.
- No.

Still not getting anything.

They're struggling with money.

- You cannot tell anybody.
- I won't, I won't, I won't.

- It's really a secret.
- Okay.

Nobody mentioned my birthday.

- Oh...
- It's okay.

- Happy birthday.
- No, it's okay.

- Sorry.
- Happy birthday.

- It's fine.
- Is that today?

- Yeah, it's today.
- Roughly.

Um...

Sorry, do you hear that?

I just... I thought...

- I thought we were shitting.
- Oh, my God.

You're hunching.

- Oh, my God. Don't hunch!
- What? No!

You're just supposed to dip right now.

Okay. I know. I'm sucking it back in.

That is so...

- You can't suck it back in.
- Wow. Right...

right in front of all of us.

- I did. I just sucked one back in.
- No!

- No! Oh, my God.
- Let it out.

Now we're gonna think
about how it's inside

your little butt the rest of the walk.

Don't think about my little butt.

I don't like when you think about it.

Oh, they're like rabbit pellets.

They're not like rabbit pellets.

Are these rabbit pellets?

Don't say that. I almost
wanna shit right now

just to show you how big mine is.

- Poop on my poop so you cover it.
- No. Ew.

- Please?
- This is so gross.

She's doing it.

Now that's a healthy poop. See?

That's tubular. It's not little pellets.

It's radical.

You think we have a lot of leashes now,

just think about when the puppies come.

- Josie, right?
- What? Hollie!

- What? Oh, my God.
- Wait, what?!

- You told her?!
- Mabel, what

the fuck did you just say?

What the fuck to you! What's going on?

What? What's going on?

That was a secret, you idiot.

No, that was a secret from me!

I'm not an... How was I...

I know, but I had to tell somebody.

- I couldn't just sit there.
- Why

did you have to tell somebody?

Did everybody know except me?

- Okay. Yes, I'm pregnant.
- Oh, my God!

I think that's wonderful. Me too.

- It is good.
- No, it's the worst news ever.

I mean, it's not good at all.

Why? Puppies are amazing.

- Life is extraordinary.
- No.

- I know, but I'm...
- Life truly is.

Well, for some. But I live in a cage

and now I'm gonna have puppies and

they're never gonna let me out.

This is the best part of my
day, is being with you guys.

- Josie...
- You're gonna get to be with us!

- I doubt it.
- Of course you will.

Well, I love you, and
I love the little lives

you have in you, and if
you need help delivering,

please call out to me.

Howl. I'm just down the street from you.

And I consider you my
closest friend in this group.

- What? Why would you say that?
- Wow. Right in front of us.

- Thank you.
- What? I wanted her to feel safe.

Well, I know, but that
was... Can we listen

to your... to your belly? Can I listen?

Oh, really? Yeah.

- Is that okay?
- I'll be, like, their...

um, like, their sister and their friend.

I mean, like, their... you
know, but like a bigger sister

and, like, a wise friend.

Okay, dude, you do not want to get

- in a showdown with Angela.
- Why? What... what is it?

- Dude.
- I don't get it.

Okay, I've seen her go against other dogs,

and it is not pretty, man.

- I'm telling you.
- What happens to them?

What happens to the dogs, dude?

Dude, she's gonna eat you alive.

She's gonna eat me?

Look, man, we gotta get out of this park.

- And we have to do it now.
- Okay.

What do you got? What do you got?

- What's the move?
- All right, I got two plans.

- Okay.
- Okay, so here's plan A.

- Oh.
- If you just take a look at that.

- This is a map I drew.
- Wow.

That's you and that's

- me right there.
- Okay.

And that is a loose blueprint
of the underground tunnel

that we would dig, and that

- would pop us out
- Okay...

- into rural Vermont, and...
- What is Vermont?

Vermont is a... it's a... it's a place.

- Sorry.
- You know, it's fine.

That's our house right there.

That's my vegetable garden right there.

What are these right here?

What do they have to do with anything?

Those are... just hearts. Is that a...

Just to signify the atmosphere

of camaraderie that we
would be experiencing

- in our own house in Vermont.
- Got it. That's cool.

- That's all that is.
- Let's just

real quick go over plan B.

- Sure. Uh...
- You said you had two plans, right?

So there's a second one?

Plan B is we just wait for
the gate right over there

to open and then we

- just run out
- Oh.

- And we're free from the park.
- Because people just

- come in and out.
- Because the people

come in and out of the gate.

- Okay, cool.
- I'm really right now

leaning towards plan B.

Just because it's right there and it's

- really easy... I'm sorry.
- Plan...

I think we got... I just want...

- The gate option.
- The gate one. Yeah.

- Yup. Yup.
- Just going right out the gate.

Right out of the gate.

All right. All right, plan B.

- Did I not explain A enough?
- Oh, my God.

- I see it!
- I feel like I didn't fully...

Mm. Well, well, well...

- what have I found here?
- Oh, no.

- It's nothing.
- Looks like a map!

You boys weren't thinking
about escaping now, were you?

- No. No, we weren't.
- That's just a...

that was just a goof thing.
That was just a funny thing.

Mm. And what are these? Hearts?

Hearts.

Again with the hearts.
It's not a big deal.

- We don't need to focus on that.
- Shut up, Mike.

- Cool.
- Let me tear this to shreds.

Oh, snap! Oh, snap!

Look at that.

I feel so good now.

- She just tore up your map.
- She's really mean.

Hm. Looks like the Karen

is halfway covered.

The time is coming.

You are so screwed.

Remember, when she's fully covered...

- You're gonna be dead, man.
- Yeah.

A showdown's gonna happen.

You didn't do what she said.
Now you gotta have a showdown.

- You're in trouble, boy.
- Yeah.

Why do I surround myself
with these ninnies?

- What?
- Mm, sorry. I was

saying my thoughts again.

Oh. All right. Yeah. I mean, it's fine.

You're probably talking
about these two guys, huh?

- Not, you know, me and Elmo.
- Right.

She was probably talking about them two

is what you were saying, right?

- I mean, I don't...
- Yeah, probably.

- Yeah.
- You don't wanna... wanna

hurt your support system.

- You know, that's the foundation.
- Ugh.

Eat my dust. I'm outta here.

- Um...
- Very crude.

That was a very crude
exchange with Angela.

I'm gonna follow her 'cause
I do think this is a test.

Cool. Yeah, I'mma follow you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, good.

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet.

All right. Plan B.

Just run out the gate.

Okay. You call it, man.

- Okay. Are you ready?
- Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Dude, I just wanna say beforehand...

Go ahead.

- You're my best friend, man,
- Yeah.

- And really enjoyed, like,
- No, you're my best friend.

Hanging out with you today...

Okay, it's open! Go!

- Go, go, go!
- Okay!

Ah!

Shit!

- Dude, what happened?
- I don't know! I tripped!

I fuckin... My paw got
caught on the wood chips.

- The gate's closed, dude!
- I'm out here! I know.

- Listen to me. Listen to me.
- Fuck.

You're free and... and
this is what you've wanted.

You can go now, dude! Go!

I can't do it without you, man!

You're my second half!
You're my best friend!

I'll find you when I get out, okay?

- You're out of the clink.
- I'm out of the clink.

Yeah, dude. You got it. You're saying it.

Yeah. I'm out of the clink.

- Go! Run!
- Okay.

- Run!
- Okay.

Run free, Mike. Run free.

I'm doin' it.

I'm doin' it, Philly.

Just like we said.

No! Mike look out!

I made it.

I'm finally free.

Miiiiiike!

I sees it.

Vermont.

Better than I ever dreamt.

I made it, Philly.

I did it.

Is it true what they say?

That all dogs go to heaven?

You know, like the movie?

Well, that didn't work.

- No, it did not.
- Um...

What are we gonna do now?

Okay, well, the Karen is
almost entirely covered

at this point, so...

I guess I'm just gonna do what

I do whenever there's trouble.

I'm gonna go play dead in
the corner over there.

You just play dead and give up?

Yes, dude.

Okay? I'm not the alpha dog.

And newsflash, neither are you.

Yeah, well, maybe I'm
not, but you know what?

I'm sick of rolling over on my back

and playing dead.

And I'm sick of small dogs like us

getting pushed around by
big dogs like Angela.

Now, I'm gonna enter this showdown

and whatever happens happens.

I'm gonna stand up to
Angela once and for all.

That big bitch.

Whoa. What? What? What is it?

"Bitch"? I just... I don't...

I just don't think you
need to... you need to...

- you need to be saying "bitch."
- I didn't mean it like that.

No, I didn't. I just think...

- You know what I meant though.
- No, I know.

- It was, like, a term.
- I know what you meant,

I just feel like in this day and age...

Okay. I'm sorry.

No, it's fine. Think next time.

Okay. You're right. You're right.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I'm Rusty.
- Oh. Hi, I'm Princess.

Ah, that's a nice name.

Thanks. I mean, it's royalty, so yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yours is... cute.

It's sort of, like, you know, corrosion.

Like old metal.

I think I'll grow into
it, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I guess so.

- So...
- So...

- It's, like, a first date thing, right?
- Yeah.

Jeff doesn't go on
these things very often.

Sheila goes on them once, like, a year.

Jeff has no friends.

He just hangs out on
the computer all day.

I have to walk him.

What's she like?

Um... she's nice.

I guess that's what you say about

somebody you don't really like, right?

- I mean, who is not nice?
- Yeah.

Sheila, um... she's
really manipulative, you know?

Really?

She'll have a bad
day and she doesn't even

bother to see how my day was,

but instantly,
she'll... she'll just start to cry.

So I know I have to go
around and snuggle up to her.

Well, what if I don't
feel like snuggling, you know?

I've had a bad day too.

Aw, that sounds very... that sounds sad.

It's really lonely.

Sometimes I
fantasize about running away.

Have you ever tried?

No. I don't know. What would I eat?

I know, but that's part of

- the thrill, I guess.
- Well...

You know, Sheila
shares her food with me a lot,

which you're really not supposed to do.

What kind of food?

- Chocolate.
- That's not good.

I know, but it makes me feel nice.

No, it shouldn't.

But it makes me feel

like I'm outside myself, and I like it.

- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.

Do you really think we're color-blind

or do you think that's just a myth

and we have to believe it?

I mean, how would we know if we weren't?

Well, unless the whole world
is actually shades of gray...

- Yeah?
- I'm gonna say we're color-blind.

You're funny, Rusty.

- So if they start dating...
- Yeah?

What does that make us?

Would it... would it
mean that we were dating

or would we be related?

Or would we be... Oh, gosh.

- What?
- Dating and related.

Dating and related?

It happened to my grandma.

- What?
- She dated her cousin.

- No!
- Yeah!

- Oh!
- They broke up

before they reproduced.

- Oh.
- Thank goodness.

- Anyway...
- Hey, can I ask

you a weird question?

Sure.

Can I sniff your butt?

Oh. Um...

Oh... um, yes!

Sorry. I... I suddenly

- have the giggles.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Ah.

I haven't done that in a while.

Can... Can I sniff yours?

Yeah. I thought you'd never ask.

She's going against Phil.

All right, Angela, I'm
here for the showdown.

Let's just get this over with.

Are you ready?

Are you ready? Answer her. Are you ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready, I'm ready.

- Ready spaghetti?
- Tell her you're ready spaghetti.

- Say the whole thing.
- Yes, I am.

I'm ready spaghetti.

- I'm ready spaghetti.
- Ah, you fuckin' dork.

Can't believe you said that.

It's for babies. That's baby talk.

Come on, Phil! Yeah! Purebreeds for life!

- Ok...
- Let's do this, Phil!

You got this!

No. I'm not with this
guy. Again, everybody...

Come on, Phil! That's my friend.

That's my friend. Phil Phil is my friend.

Can someone take him

outta here? Can we get
this guy outta here?

My friend, Phil! Phil's my friend!

So long. I can't.

Phil, my friend, is my friend Phil!

- Purebreds for life!
- No.

Here it comes!

You see this shit?

You see my pomp?

Check out my teeth.

Go ahead. Look at 'em.

- Here's the gums.
- Oh...

Perfectly pink.

They're so pink. You know why?

'Cause my owner loves me

and he brushes my fucking teeth,

ya swamp-mouth bitch.

Okay, so just to be clear,
this is the showdown?

This is the only part of it?

- She just dances around?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- No, this... this is...
- So, it's like a dog show basically.

- Correct. Yeah.
- Watch this.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I thought she was gonna hit me

or bite me or something,

- but she has not.
- Right...

I can see how you were thinking that.

Right.

No.

Ooh, there goes my butthole.

- Ooh, it's squeaky clean!
- Yeah.

- It's the butthole stuff?
- Yeah,

that's the butthole stuff.

Watch this. It's like a DJ on a record.

Uh, that's... that's
actually really gross.

That's rude.

- That part.
- Yeah.

That's the sound of my anus!

You know what, Angela? Um, I don't care

about any of this and you won.

- Congratulations. That's fine.
- Cool.

Great quote from a loser.

Phil just stood up to Angela.

Angela's no longer the alpha.

Guys, let's go ahead and give

me a celebratory b-hole lick.

Get over here, ya rascals.

No.

What?

We're not licking your
butt anymore, Angela.

What'd you just say to me?

After seeing Phil stand up to you,

well, it showed us that we
can stand up for ourselves.

All dogs can.

Listen to me.

All of you, run around and smell me!

I'm the alpha dog.

Small dogs everywhere,

the reign of Angela is done.

We showed that bitch! I'm sorry.

Let's take her balls!

- Yeah!
- Balls for everyone!

Oh, all my powers are fading away.

You know, Phil, we just want to say

your independence is inspiring to us.

You're an inspiration.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, I... I grabbed that map before

and I tried to tape some of it together.

Um, here. I just wanna give it back to ya.

Sorry about what happened.

Guys, this is the nicest thing.

Mike, they put the map back together.

Oh, cool. The map.

Yeah. Right. From before.
Yeah, yeah. I know.

It's... it's...

Oh, hey, Mom!

Hey, did you see I just beat Angela?

Well, sort of.

I mean, I sort of, like,
liberated all the small dogs

in the park. Are we going home now?

Oh, my God. That was such a cool day.

We should come back here more.

Hey, Phil?

Hey, Mike.

I told you we'd get around to plan A.

- Get over here.
- Get over here!

Phil! Oh, my God.

- Here we are! Here we are!
- Here we are!

- We're on the other side.
- Dude, we did it!

- Wow.
- So sick, dude.

So sick.

So you're planning on living here, right?

- Is that what this is?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- I was thinking so.

I got little suitcases.

- There they are.
- Uh-huh.

Like, how are we paying for any of this?

Right. I actually have
something worked out

that was sort of just for me.

I kind of wasn't sure if you
were gonna make it out here?

- Right.
- I didn't know if

you were gonna be, uh...

- So crazy?
- I didn't know if you

were gonna do this, so...

- No, no, we can, uh...
- I have a couch.

Dude, good to see you.

Good to see you, man.

- Oh, hi there.
- Hey, man. How's it goin'?

Haven't seen you around
the dog park before.

I bet you could use a friend.

What first attracted me
to the role of Charles

was, you know, as a dog,

you don't always get
these kind of meaty roles.

You know, there's a deep emotion there.

Like, "Where does this... this
hatred come from for Charles?"

You know? It's been a
fantastic experience.

I normally was doing a lot of stage work,

uh, in the West End. E... excuse me.

Can... can you get out of my face?

I'm sorry, sir. Here's your...

- here's your latte.
- Oh, thank you.

How did it take you an hour to get

- me this small drink?
- I apologize...

There's a line and then we have to...

- I'm so sorry.
- You mind getting

out of the shot, mate?

Am... am I still in it?
We're still filming here.

- I'm still in it?
- Yeah. We're filming.

- We're filming, mate.
- I'm so sorry.

Anyway, it's been a great experience.