Animals. (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Pigeons - full transcript

♪

(chuckles maliciously)

(groans, whimpers)

(growls)

(whimpering)

(grunts)

(sighs)

What... What the fuck?

What the fuck is that?

(gasps)

I'm a mommy!



(theme music playing)

I don't get what you're
misconstruing about this story?

At some point in the
middle of the night,

this beautiful baby
egg came out of my butt.

Okay, I'm... Sorry, I don't know
what to tell you, I'm just...

- It's fine.
- I'm a little bit skeptical, maybe.

About what of this is skeptical?

Okay, well, fir... I mean,
first off, to be honest,

it doesn't really look like an egg.

(gasps) Earmuffs.

Who the fuck are you
to come into my house...

Okay.

And criticize the way my child looks?

Well, do you see these dimples in it?



Dimples are cute. Look at me!

- Right, but...
- Two dimples.

- Right.
- Perfect smile.

But that's a face, this is on
the shell of a coating of an egg.

- It's what you're...
- He's gonna have so many dimples.

- He's gonna be cute as fuck.
- Mm-hmm. Well,

how do you explain this
check mark right here?

That's how you know it's done. Check.

Where were you in middle school
when we learned all of this?

Okay, well, I don't know... I mean,

- when Meghan and I had Jacob,
- Yeah?

- The egg did not look like that.
- Heh.

Jacob's egg? Probably like an eggplant.

Excuse me? An eggplant?

You just called my
son's egg an eggplant.

You just made fun of my son's egg!

(phone buzzing) Oh, here we go.

- Who is that?
- Oh, crap. All right.

Meghan's at Jacob's Little
Fliers meet. I gotta go meet her.

Oh, I'll join you.

- You wanna come?
- Yeah.

Let me just get a little baggie thingie.

♪

Dylan, get off me, stop.

- I'm not touching you.
- Stop it.

All right, Jacob, come
on, you can do it!

Come on, honey!

Oh... Hey, Meghan. Hey.

Hi. Hi. Jacob, your dad's here!

Will you please go talk
to him? He's so nervous.

- He threw up before. It was everywhere.
- Oh. Okay.

All right, I'll go try to cheer him up.

- Okay, thank you, honey.
- Okay.

Kids, right?

(chuckles) You're telling me.

Yeah. You're actually the
one who's telling me.

- Because...
- Yeah.

I don't know if Mike told you, but...

Aah!

(laughing) Did you bring snacks?

- No.
- What is this? Is it a...

It's an egg! I had an egg
last night. grocery bag...

Phil, you can't... that...

I've just been alone for so long,

that to finally have
someone to call my own...

- This egg?
- This egg. My egg.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hey there, big guy, you ready?

No. I'm freaking out, Dad.

I don't want to fly.

Oh, come on, you're
gonna do fine. Don't...

No, it's not gonna be fine.

I don't know if I can really
do it physically.

You know, like my body isn't able to.

I walk everywhere.

Well, you are wearing running shoes.

Yeah. You like 'em?

Look, it's about the
effort that you put in.

It's about what's in your heart.

What if what's in my heart is fear?

Announcer (over PA): Next up, Jacob!

Oh... I'll be watching from
right over here, all right?

- Come on, Jacob!
- Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Here we go, buddy!

Come on, you got this, buddy!
- Whoo!

(countdown beeping)

(sighs) Oh...

Aah!

(clanging) Crowd: Aww!

Oh, God!

Oh, he did not make that at all.

Oww.

Announcer: Next up, Branch.

All right, here we go, kiddo.

Branch, look at me in the eye.

What are we gonna do this time?
What are we gonna do, Branch?

We're gonna catch the wind, Dad.

We're gonna catch the wind!

(in unison) When we dip, we catch.

When we catch, we soar.

When we soar, we win.

- Okay?
- Yes, sir!

Go.

(countdown beeping)

(exhales)

Go, Branch, go!

- Fuck!
- Heh.

Is something funny to you right now?

'Cause I just watched my son fail me.

Your son did great. He
actually did really good.

Oh, did he do good?

Yeah, he made it to the
last dumpster, barely.

Sir, I am sorry I laughed. I don't...

Call me "sir," like it's...

There's a condescending tone to "sir."

Yeah, I know, oh, you're very smart.
You're a New York pigeon, I know, look,

- Whoa!
- I don't... I know who you are,

and I know what
America you live in, okay?

Reading your
left-wing pigeon newspapers,

- and wearing a little corduroy vest.
- Oh...

- Here we go. Here we go.
- I know exactly what you are.

I am from New Jersey.

Look, this is about flying, all right?

So, just keep your personal
beliefs to yourself.

We're all here to teach these kids

- how to fly!
- Oh, my personal beliefs.

- Right, that's the issue.
- I'm sorry, everyone. This is, uh...

Thank you for bringing your fucking...

Whoa, there are kids around
here, buddy, okay?

Yeah, and they're gonna
learn one day that adults swear,

because some adults get angry
when they have to talk to losers.

Yeah, well, I bet I could fly
farther than you, that's all I'll say.

- Pfft. (laughing)
- Okay, buddy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. How about I race you

to the green lady with
the ice cream thingie?

Pfft.

Duh. Yes. I can do
that. Heck yes, I can do that.

- Heck yes.
- Heck yes.

Tomorrow, let's do it.

Yeah. Let's do it tomorrow.

All right, man. Branch,
let's go. Branch!

Yes, sir.

You're a fucking embarrassment.
Let's get out of here.

♪

What's up, baby?

- Hey... Hey, baby.
- Yeah.

You goin' real slow today, aren't you?

- I like...
- Uh-huh.

I like you.

Yeah, that's good, you know,

dude, don't just say "I like
you." It's a little matter of fact.

Give her a little compliment, you know?

- Okay.
- Check this out.

Ahem.

I wanna see that ooze in my bed.

You heard me, girl.

- Oh!
- You see what I'm saying?

- (giggling)
- Yeah, yeah.

She likes that. It makes me nervous.

- It makes me nervous.
- Don't be nervous.

- That's it, man. It's confidence.
- Yeah. You're right.

It's confidence. Okay, I'll try again.

- Yeah, try again. Here, look at this.
- Okay.

- Confidence.
- Right here. This girl right here.

Hey, shorty!

Come fuck with me.

Uh-uh.

I put the cock in cocoon.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I'm so sorry, ma'am. I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, that was good. That was good.

It wasn't good, she looked upset.

Well, she... Yeah, you upset her.

Well, I was trying to be confident.

No, I know. I know. I know. I know.

Look, you have certain disadvantages.

- You are not as big as me.
- I'm not.

- You're not as confident as me.
- Correct.

You don't have as much slime.

I'm under-lubricated.

You are super fucking dry, dog.

- Yeah.
- Listen.

I was thinking tomorrow I
might bring my boom box.

Possibly, I could show
you my world-famous worm.

- Don't... Don't fuck with me, man.
- No.

No fucking, brother.

Alan, don't say it if
you don't mean it...

I'm sorry, is this like,
the "Jamie Kennedy Experiment"?

Am I X'ing you? No, no, no This is
for real. This is real life right now.

This better not be a Jamie
Kennedy type situation, man

because this is the
stuff of legend and lore!

People talk about
your worm all the time.

You are going to see
me do the worm right here,

and then you and I are
gonna get our microscopic penises

- Yes, totally!
- a little bit wet.

(laughing)

♪

Okay, and some people choose to
put mascara on their bottom lashes,

but I always find...
Mine are long enough.

Right.

Especially if you're doing anything...

So, what is foundation? That's
like, on the bottom of it?

Yeah, I mean, it is exactly
what it sounds like.

- Your foundation.
- Foundation. That makes sense!

- Yeah, exactly.
- I love it.

- And you need to match it to your...
- (grunting)

- Mikey, what are you doing man?
- Mike? Yeah.

We're trying to talk over here.

You're messing with girl talk.

- Um, and that's why, also...
- I'm sorry. It's just hard

- 'cause he's trembling so much.
- Yeah.

You guys see this?

Yeah, no, we're seeing it.

You look like a massage chair.

Ugh! Oww, are you okay?

That was, uh... (coughing)

- I'm good.
- Are you okay?

- That doesn't sound good.
- Drink some water. I'm fine.

I'm doing some calisthenics.

I'm getting back into
the groove of things.

- Why...
- Don't worry about it.

Were you ever in the groove?

(laughing)

That was a funny joke.

Look, Mike, I'm very concerned.
I don't want you to do this.

It's just, I don't understand
why you let somebody like Jerry

ruffle your feathers, quite literally.

Okay, well, Jerry, he
doesn't know what's coming to him.

Because I'm going to beat him to the
big, green lady with the ice cream thing.

Mike, the big green lady
with the ice cream thing

But, honey...

- is half a mile.
- It's so far.

- One way.
- Yeah.

Guys, I have the vision for this.

And if you believe in yourself,
and have the vision for it,

that's half the battle
right there, guys.

Am I right, Jacob?

That's exactly right.

He's actually got a point.

Thank you!

- Like, for my whole...
- He does?

Yeah. For my whole life I
envisioned being a mommy,

- and throughout that,
- Okay...

everyone said, "You can't be
a mommy, you're a little boy."

And then after that it was,

"You can't be a mommy,
you're a teenager."

And after that, people were like,

"You can't be a mommy,
you're a grown man.

"Please leave the premises
of the school zone."

Now I'm a mommy.

And Mike, I think you can do it, man.

I'm gonna help you do this shit.

- I... appreciate it.
- No, no, no, no.

- I didn't... I don't need your help.
- No, no. Hey. Mike, listen.

Don't worry about Jerry. (clicks tongue)

I'll take care of him.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Let me guess, you're gonna seduce Jerry?

How dare you.

Jerry: Come here, you little maggot.

Come here. Come here. Oww. Oww. Oww.

Branch, I'm hard on you 'cause
I believe in you. Okay, kiddo?

Sorry to interject, but I was just
noticing your parenting skills,

and it's... It's
refreshing to see, honestly.

Are you making fun of me?

I am not. I'm not.

I feel like parenting, it's just
gotten... It's like soft-serve ice cream.

You know, it's just bullshit.

- What's happened?
- It's a real shame they've gone so...

Well, I'll tell you
what's happened with it.

What's your name?

- Phil. Phil. My name is Phil.
- Phil.

- That's a beautiful name.
- Thank you.

Phil, I'll tell you what happened.

We forgot about what
our priorities were,

Mm-hmm.

And where we're from.

Exactly. I'm from New Jersey.

It was a different upbringing.

You're from New Jersey?

Yeah, what... Why?

- I am from central New Jersey.
- Wow.

It's so nice to meet someone from home

- It is.
- ... over here.

Yeah, these pigeons are soft.

You don't look soft, though.

You don't look soft at all.

- I'll tell you something right now, Phil.
- Yeah, what's that?

I'm rock hard.

Yeah.

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

Yeah, no, it's kind of nail on head,

but I'm hearing you loud and clear.

- Branch!
- Is that your son?

- That... This is my son, Branch.
- Yeah.

Branch, say hi to Miss Phil.

Umm...

Hi... Miss Phil?

Hi! Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God, you're so
handsome and strong!

You must get it from your father.

- You seem strong.
- I... What's that?

No, um, Phil, is that
short for something?

Phil... Philip.

- Just Philip.
- Hmm.

Kids are so dumb, it's so cute.

He's a little shy.

Hey, kiddo, why don't you go
hit the water tower, all right?

Yes, sir.

Daddy's gotta talk to this nice lady.

- Madam.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Philly,

you're a big, beautiful bird.

I'm a little hefty. I'm a little hefty.

No, no, no, no, I didn't say...
Don't say that about yourself.

- I didn't say you were hefty.
- I meant it in a good way.

I meant it in the best way.

Hefty like a fucking garbage bag.

I'm gonna fuck the feathers off of you.

- I'm so fucking ready for that.
- Yeah.

♪

- (electronic music playing)
- Un, un, un, un...

Wassup, young lady?

Oh, how old are you?

Keep walking.

Un, un, un, un...

Wassup, Alan?

(gasps)

You all right?

Is that you, Brian?

Yeah, man.

What the fuck?

I know. I had a crazy dream
last night, and I woke up.

I straight up molted out of my cocoon.

You got fucking wings, dog!

It's fun, right?

Yeah, it's fun.

I mean, I've been waiting, you know.

I'm a little older, and like, I...

You got a fucking mustache, dog.

Little bit.

You got like a little, tiny,

- Mexican mustache.
- Little bit.

Hey, Brian.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

You look so good.

- Thank you.
- Well,

- Thank you.
- You look good every day.

- Yeah, you do look good.
- Aww...

That is true, you do look good.

(laughing)

Who... Who is... Is this your son?

- What?
- What?

No, that's Alan.

- What?
- Hello?

It's me, Alan.

I'm sorry, I'm not...

Your mom is my godmother.

(gasps) Look at that mustache!

Yeah, I don't know.

- Get out of here!
- Yeah, it just came.

It just came on my face.

Anyway, hey, Brian,

tonight we're all going to the
Greenleaf if you want to come.

- Oh my God, I would love to.
- I would love to.

All right, cool, well,
Brian, I'll see you tonight.

- Bye!
- Bye!

Bye.

- Not bad.
- Not bad.

That was dope.

- That was dope.
- I can't believe that just happened.

I know, I know, I know, and I gotta say,

I am glad I brought the boombox.

(music resumes)

♪ Hollow heavy eyes, whoa ♪

♪ Follow in your light, whoa ♪

♪ I'm a ghost tonight, whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

(sighs) What if I can't make
it across the water? Shit.

- Mmm, language.
- Sorry.

We don't like that locker
room talk here in the gym.

Take it into the locker room.

Actually, I think we
are in a locker room.

That's all right. Hey, you know what,
I've been watching you this whole time.

You've been watching me?

Oh, well, you know,
I'm in here every day,

and I like to watch the
birds who flap through,

kind of see what their progress is like.

And yours, I gotta say, is not so good.

Your pump is more of a dump.

Oh, God.

That doesn't sound good to hear,

- does it?
- It sure doesn't, no.

- No.
- Yeah, to be honest, I'm not usually...

- You're not usually working out?
- a gym, uh...

- A gym rat, they call it.
- Gym rat, yeah.

You're more of a gym bird.

Or a gym crow.

- That'd be different.
- Oh.

Look, I'm gonna be frank with you.

You need some help. You
need a little assistance.

I have a little (whistles) wacky-wacka.

Ole-oh!

You know what I mean?

Mmm...

Do you know what I mean?

I'm having a little trouble.

I was just trying to figure out
exactly what noise I could make

to perfectly illustrate
the substance steroids.

You just say steroids?

Did I say steroids?

You're asking if I'm interested

in purchasing illegal steroids from you?

I mean, what is illegal?

It's all in the eye of the beholder.

Well, it's in the eye of the law.

Eh, if the law is the beholder, maybe.

But aren't you the beholder?

"Beholder." That's a weird word.

Why don't you just say
"person holding something."

Anyway, I am holding, and it's out back.

I think I'm interested in your drugs.

♪

- Whoa.
- Whoo...

That was a big release for me.

It was a huge release.

- Are you on bird control?
- Yeah.

Because I couldn't stop.

No, it's... I would normally fly out.

You basted this bird
pretty well. (clicks tongue)

Fuck...

What do you say I get us a few more...

shots of tequila?

Let's party a little bit, right?

Phil, I would love to, nothing more,

but I'm gonna have to take a rain
check. I got a big race tomorrow,

and I told Branch that
I would beat this man.

Oh, that stupid race to the big
lady with the ice cream thing?

Who gives a shit?

- I do.
- Why?

Because Phil, I, um...

What is it?

(coughs)

It's okay.

I feel like a real idiot right now.

- I feel like a real idiot.
- Hey, no, it's fine.

It's just that I have
not said how I feel

since my wife left me.

Listen, you caught me at a
strange time in my life, too.

You know, I just, I'm going
through a lot of changes myself,

and I feel like, I don't know,

just seeing you be a total
prick to your kid, it just...

clicked something in on me, you know?

- Well, I love him very much.
- No, I know.

I love him very, very, very much.

I can see that.

And being a father and a mother
to a child is incredibly hard.

Believe me, I'm both.

Whew. So you get it?

I do. I...

I don't want to rush things,

I really don't,

- but...
- I want you to be with me.

I want you to be with me.

I want you to be Branch's mother,

and I want to take care of your...

This is like a dream come true.

You know what?

Maybe we should celebrate
with a little shot of tequila.

Put that shit down!

You got a race to win tomorrow, okay?

And you're gonna do it for yourself,

and you're gonna do it
for Branch and my baby egg.

You're gonna do it for this family.

♪

So, Jacob, have you thought about

what you might want to do
for summer camp this summer?

Yeah, something inside.

Okay...

I was thinking, like, a
computer camp, or something?

Like, where you can, like, go online.

Right, computer camp,
where you went last year.

- Yeah.
- And the last two years before that.

I was thinking something like that.

Yeah, well, honey, if you liked
it, we want to make you happy.

- I liked it.
- Here, have some more lasagna.

I made it with buffalo mozzarella.

I think you will taste
a slight difference.

And also, it's gonna be better
for Jacob's lactose thing.

- (laughs)
- Oh. I won't get diarrhea.

Mike: I can't eat this shit!

Wha... Mike?

Meghan, I gotta come
right out and say it,

you made a piece of shit, tonight!

Excuse me?!

Dad, we're eating dinner.

This is our special family time.

I can't be expected to have
shit put in front of me,

and eat it, and be ready
for my race tomorrow!

And no one's taking it as
seriously as I am. No one!

You know why? Because it's not serious.

It is a machismo playground dare

set upon you by some pigeon
who has nothing better to do

than intimidate and bully other pigeons!

Did you ever look to yourself, Mike?

I looked to myself all the time.

And I love it! I love how I look!

I'm incredible!

This is gonna win the race, right here.

Mm-mmm... muscles.

What about believing in your heart?

- That was bullshit.
- (gasps)

That is it.

This is a smart,
sensitive, wonderful son,

and you are ruining
him with this garbage!

Yeah, I think I might
do something bad now.

- See?!
- I'm focusing on what's important,

which is the race tomorrow, okay?!

'Cause you guys obviously
don't support me!

We are out of here. Come
on, Jacob, let's go.

- Ugh. Oww, my arm.
- I'm sorry, honey.

This is a new low for you.

Congratulations, honey,

you won the race to the bottom.

Jacob, don't say anything else,
we're just walking to the door.

That's gonna send a very strong message.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I love you...
- Jacob!

- (door slams)
- Fine! Leave!

I don't need you two anyway.

Yeah... I'm a freak.

I'm a strange man like this.

♪

(woman moaning)

(voices echoing)

(mayor chuckles maliciously)

How you doing there, buddy? Whoa!

Nah, I'm cool, dog, I'm cool.

- Yeah?
- It's a little scary up here.

- It's exciting, right?
- (nervous laughter)

It feels good. I like
having you in my papoose.

Thanks man, yeah, no,
I feel like a kangaroo.

But like, instead of like,
a mother and daughter,

- like, two friend kangaroos.
- Yeah, you're like my joey!

Uh, yeah, like a friend named "Joey."

Yeah, you're my joey!

- Whoa, whoa, careful, careful!
- You wanna do a barrel roll?

No, no, no, no, no!

- Whoa! Haha!
- Whoa!

- (laughing)
- Don't do that

again! Do not do that again!

- Oh, my God! Holy shit!
- Haha!

(club music playing)

(laughing)

Hey, hold on, did I see
you in the farmer's almanac?

'Cause I thought I saw a spread.

One of the bad girls messing

- up the tobacco leaves.
- Oh!

- Right?
- Yeah! That was me.

I knew it! God, you look good.

Hey, yeah, guys, I can't hear you!

(giggling)

Yo, like, I can't... I can't
hear what you're saying!

Hey, what's up, man?

I'm just gonna chill
over here for a second.

- I'm gonna chill...
- You want me to come with you?

No, no, no, no, no. That's cool.
You stay here with her majesty.

And I will just fucking
chill over here, I guess,

and fucking, whatever.

You know,

I'm a little worried about Alan.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, since my ears dilated, I can
hear all the shit he mutters to himself.

It's just one long suicide note.

I think he's taking
my molting pretty hard.

I gotta go talk to him.

(muttering) Fuck, I don't
give a shit about your molting.

Motherfucker. Fucking blow my head off.

I don't need any wings.

Fucking gonna slam my little
fucking head into a wall.

Batter my brains out...

Hey... Alan?

- Hey, what's up, dog?
- Hey, man.

Hey, man. What's up, man?
Yo, yo, yo, what's up?

- Hey.
- I'm just chilling over here, you know.

Just fucking maxing
the club. Club style.

Sure, club style maxing.

You know, club style
maxing, that's how I roll.

Okay. I just wanted to
make sure you were okay

'cause you seemed, like,
maybe a little bummed out.

I heard you say something about maybe
bashing your brains open, or whatever.

So, I just want you to
know when I look at you,

I see a larval marvel.

Pfft, you're just playing, dog.

I'm not, man.

Nah, I'm not a larval marvel.

You're a larval motherfucking marvel.

I think I'm just gonna go home

- and wallow in my own shitty fucking ooze.
- No, no, no.

No, no. You know what? I have an idea.

(gasps) Where'd you
fucking fit that thing, dog?

I tucked it behind my giant balls.

I want you to do the
worm for these people.

Pfft.

The worm.

Brian: Butterflies!

Butterflies!

- Put your wings together!
- What are you doing?

- Woo, woo, woo! Woo, woo, woo, woo!
- What are you doing, man?

I'm making a dog sound, I don't know.

Woo, woo, woo, woo!

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,

my friend and yours,

Alan!

(dance music plays)

(grunting)

Okay.

All right.

Make it happen...

All night.

Do I look cool, dog?

Fucking everyone's going ape shit.

Alan, keep it going, baby!

(grunting)

- Brian: Oh, yeah!
- (murmuring)

It's slow, but it's good!

♪

♪ All the children smile at Mommy ♪

♪ All the leaves are falling ♪

There she is.

The big, green lady
with the ice cream thing.

That is quite a ways away.

Phil: Champ is here!

Team Jerry in the house, motherfucker!

- Phil?
- Oh, you guys know each other?

Oh, he's just a fucking weirdo.

Okay, so the mission failed,
is that what happened?

- What mission?
- Nothing!

Mission accomplished, George W,

you're going fucking down, loser.

You ready to sink to the
bottom of the Hudson River?

'Cause the mission is about to start.

- Right, baby?
- You know it, babe.

- I love you so much.
- Oh my God, it's ridiculous.

This love is real!

Have you ever felt that, Mike?

- Ugh.
- Wait a minute,

I just noticed your
entire family isn't here.

'Cause they don't believe in you.

My beautiful wife here, supports me.

(whistles)

Okay, so a lot of stuff
has happened since I...

So much. It's been very
intense. saw both of you.

Branch, come here.

And my terrific son, Branch,

who I will say once that I love him.

Oh, I'm proud to be your son. Kind of.

We love you so much, Jerry. We're here
for you, and we'll always be here for you.

I love your support and I need it,

- and I thrive from it.
- That's nice.

All right, enough stalling, let's race.

Why don't we get a
quickie in real quick, huh?

Nah, we'll do one after I get
it. I need my fuel right now.

But I'm all ready?

- I know.
- But I'm all ready.

Gimme a kiss.

I love you.

Dad?

J... Jacob, what are you doing here?

Well, I thought about how much
your pep talks really helped me,

and I thought maybe my dad
could use a pep talk, too.

Jacob, that... It's so good to see you.

I don't know if I can do it.

You just have to believe in yourself,

and fly with your heart, you know?

Like you said.

I don't know. Seeing
you right now, it just...

puts things into perspective.

- Jacob!
- Mommy!

There you are! I've been
looking everywhere for you.

Oh. Uh, hi, Mike.

Hello, Meghan.

Well, I guess your son
and I will be leaving.

Wait. I'm sorry.

Look, I thought steroids
might mask my insecurities,

and make me stronger and totally hot,

and in some ways, they have.

But I realize now that having the support
of my family is all I need to succeed.

- Aww!
- Aww!

(laughing)

Oh, you big, dumb, idiot, I love you.

You, dumb, dumb, loser.

Haha, you shit-for-brains monster.

Okay, well...

You're a piece of garbage on legs.

He is!

Right, I don't know if
I'd say that, though.

You gave me pigeon HPV,

- Uh...
- That's for life.

- Why would you...
- but I love you.

And me, too.

Thanks.

♪

Yoww!

All right, all right, all right,
the race is beginning, boys!

Places!

Mike, get over here! Enough with
that sentimental shit, come on.

All right, all right, are
we clear on the rules here?

On the count of four,
when I drop my sexy hanky,

the race will begin.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. You ready, Mike?

I'm ready. I'm ready as I'll ever be.

Napkin's up.

Here we go.

Whew.

One!

Jerry, I love you so much.
Baby, you're gonna do so good.

Two!

Hey, Mike, Mike, right here.

Three!

Branch. Branch, look at Mommy.

Mommy's doing it.

What am I supposed to say to you now?

- Man: Fore!
- Four!

Oww!

Baby, are you okay?

- Oh, my...
- Are you okay?

- I think I'm... I think I'm okay.
- Look at me, look at me.

Wait, this...

- Phil, this is...
- What? What?

Look at... Look at...
Phil, this is your egg.

Phil: Oh, there's a
bunch of 'em up here.

Meghan: There's a bunch of them.

This is not... Oh, God,
you know what this is?

This is not an egg. This
is white guy white ball.

Phil: What I thought was my egg
was just a white guy white ball?

- Meghan: Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, so, I'm not a mommy.

Uh, well,

Jer, it's been a lot of fun,

- but, uh...
- Sorry, what's going on here?

What the fuck is going on here?

So, basically, just
to wrap everything up,

I thought I was a mommy,

'cause I found an egg
next to me when I woke up.

It turns out, it's just a white guy white
ball from the white guy white ball game.

And, uh...

I'm a dude. So... peace.

- Haha.
- Wait, what?

Everyone shut up for just one second.

- Okay.
- Sure.

All right, first of all,
I was just hit in the head,

so I don't know if I'm thinking right.

Is this all really happening right now?

- This is reality.
- It's all very real.

- Definitely.
- And you guys know each other?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Did you come to me to sabotage my race?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Okay, sure, it was one
second of that. It was fine,

but, you know, once we started
going, that was all real.

Jer, Jer, come back to me, babe.

These are the facts

- that I know.
- Mm-hmm.

I feel betrayed right now,

but over the last couple days,

I have felt happier than I have

- in a very, very long time.
- Me, too.

I'm gonna have a lot of therapy.

It's a real short life,

and I guess I'm a log cabin pigeon,

because whether he's a male or a female,

- I love Phil very much.
- Oh...

This was gonna be a surprise.

To celebrate our love, we're
gonna be having a reception

at the top of the green lady with

- the ice cream thing.
- Oh, my God.

- Guys, what do you say?
- Let's go! (laughing)

We're going to the big, green
lady with the ice cream thing.

That's so wild!

All right, who's ready to fly?

Let's do this!

- Whoo!
- Let's do this!

Actually, so, how are we
gonna get there, we're gonna...

- We're gonna fly.
- We'll fly there.

We're gonna fly, you fucking pussy.

Okay.

♪ Pour your gravy in me ♪

♪ Oww! ♪

♪ Pour your gravy in me ♪

Whoo!

♪ Pour your gravy in me ♪

♪ Oww! ♪

Hey, folks, got into a big argument

and now you have to prove your
manliness to another Little League dad,

but you just don't have
the time to do it naturally?

(chuckles) I know I don't.

Hi, I'm Bartholomew Birdman.

I'm here to help you with all
that stuff that I just said.

I have a revolutionary new product

that will make you fly faster,
farther, and metaphorically further

than you ever could have before.

It's an all-natural
"American made" product

called "Illegal Wing
Enhancing Steroid Injections."

Call now while the syringe is hot.

Uh...

Instead of calling me,
if you could text me.

Texting is way better.

If it's a number I don't recognize,
it's usually like, "no thank you."

Could be the authorities
trying to trap me.

Anyway, I, uh... Text me now!