Animals. (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Rats - full transcript

Huh.

Huh.

This is hard to watch.

- It's really...
- I'll be... I'll be honest.

It actually looks like work for her,

- specifically.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I thought the same thing.

He is just... Ugh.

I don't even know
where to begin with him.

Well, first off, he's a huge man.

He's the biggest man
I've ever seen, probably.



And she is... Hmm.

- She's much smaller than him.
- Much smaller.

The disparity between these
two sizes is frightening.

Frightening.

So, are you ready for the party tonight?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Huh?

- Come on.
- Yeah. I'm ready.

You never get out of your house.

I'm psyched for the p... What do

you want from me, a cartwheel?

No, I just think... I got tiny arms.

You owe it to yourself to get
out and do some social things,

so I'm just happy
you're coming out.

I'm happy that you're
happy that I'm here.



Good.

Okay, see, this is new.

- Is she lowering herself...
- Yeah.

Onto his face?

She seems to be taking
a seat on his face.

Which is... Well, it's so weird,

'cause I've seen
humans sit on things.

Normally, it's stuff like,

- like the subway or something.
- Like the subway, yeah.

- I mean, like...
- Or like, chairs.

- Benches. Seats.
- Benches, yeah.

- Yeah, seats. Seats in general.
- Just seats.

I've never seen
someone seat on a face.

I mean, it looks... I don't know.

Eh, that's kinda...

- What?
- No, nothing. It's fine.

Uh, what are you bringing
to the party, by the way?

Oh, um, I'm just... I found
a cracker over there.

- I thought I'd...
- Oh.

You know, just something, like,
everyone could kinda share.

- Yeah.
- What about you?

- Are you bringing anything?
- Oh, I'm bringing these guys.

What are those?

They... Paper plates.

- It's, um...
- Hmm.

Why do you have to make me
feel weird about bringing plates?

- You know I'm already...
- I'm not making you feel weird.

apprehensive about
going to the party.

Paper plates are great!

- It's a utilitarian move.
- Utilitarian move.

Nobody ever thanks the plate guy.

Nobody thanks the plate guy!

I always say that.

Shit.

Is she... She's not...

- Oh, she's not moving.
- Yeah, no.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

I guess she's, uh, tuckered out.

- Yeah.
- Oh, we should

actually probably be quiet,

- Oh, yeah. Right.
- 'cause she's probably trying to sleep.

- You wanna get out of here?
- Yeah, let's go.

- Cool.
- Follow me.

Oh, see, man, this is
what I'm talking about.

Already I'm not feeling it.

It's organized fun, basically.

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- It's like, you sit over there,

then you get food over there

- by the punch bowls
- Yeah.

And the snacks,

- and over here you dance.
- Right.

It's like... I don't want
to deal with this all night.

- I can't...
- Okay, you're thinking way too much.

Just calm down,

- All right.
- and just try to enjoy yourself.

- All right.
- Not a big deal.

Promise me you're gonna stick with me?

Like, don't leave me
hanging high and dry.

- Okay, yes. All right.
- All right.

Oh, shit! Now this party's starting!

Mike's here!

Here he is.

- The king.
- Oh, yeah.

What is up, Fink?

Mike, I am thrilled to see you.

- What's up, Fink?
- Hey, Phil.

I mean, this party is
gonna be off the chain.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

I've got... DJ Lab Rat's gonna spin.

We've got games planned.

It's gonna be, like,
super organized, super fun.

Mmm. Phil loves organized fun.

- Really?
- It's right up my alley.

You know, we actually
brought some stuff, too.

I totally forgot. I brought
a cracker for everybody.

- I just thought I...
- Are you fucking kidding me, right now?

- It's not a big deal, it's...
- No, no, no.

Do not downplay this, Mike.

This is a huge deal.

Guys, Mike brought a cracker!

You da man, Mike!

We're gonna eat like kings, tonight.

Thank you, so much.

- Hey, Fink,
- Thank you, so much.

I br... I brought paper plates.

- What is that?
- Paper plates?

Why?

To pu... put the food on...

so people don't have
to eat off the floor.

So, what are we thinking? We
got some ladies here tonight?

Oh, bro, are you ready to make babies?

This guy is like, the
king of making babies.

- You are, Fink.
- Oh...

- I'm telling you.
- He is. It's true, though.

You know, what, thank you, man.
Dude, I had twins last week.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, snap.

They were born, like, a second apart.

Their mom was fertile as shit.

Ah, that's... You're the king.

I kid you not, last weekend,

made babies with the
chick from the six train.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Northbound or southbound?
- Southbound.

Oh, shit!

Oh, yeah, no, totally, I remember
when I was making babies, um...

The other day I was upstate, right?

- And, um...
- Where?

Syracuse.

- Like, in the Syracuse region.
- Wow. How'd you get up there?

That's like, real far.

Like, a train, or whatever. That's
not really the important part...

- You got on a train?
- Yeah.

That's not, like, the Amtrak line.

- How did you...
- Yeah, no, it's fine.

Did you get on a Metro North train?

It doesn't matter how I got there,

but I got there and I met a chick,

and then I made like...

th... f... six.

I had six babies at once.

Me and her.

And we... They just came out.

It was like, you thought they
were done, but it was just...

more and more, like...

Okay, so real quick,
so you got on a train,

and you went upstate,
the train thing again.

Oh my God,

- Let's just drop it.
- ... o Syracuse.

Well, see, that's where
it starts to fall apart.

Uh-huh.

The part where they all arrive at once.

What are we talking about
falling apart? We're just...

I didn't poke holes
in your guys' stories.

Phillip, have you not
made babies before?

- What?
- Oh, Phil has

100% not made babies.

All right, okay, so what? Big whoop.

- I have never made babies before.
- Oh, shit.

All right, you guys figure this out.

I'm gonna go jerk my dong off,

so that I can last longer
when I'm ready to make babies

with every woman at this party.

Don't worry, I'll
leave one for you, Phil.

That's great.

That guy's a fucking asshole.

Oh, he's not bad.

No, this is terrible.

Dude, don't worry,
you're my best friend,

and I'm gonna make you a father tonight.

All right. That.. That
sounds good. Thank you.

You, uh... you hear about Greg?

What?

Greg made it up to the
horse racing majors.

- Shut up.
- No shit.

Thoroughbred racing, that guy?

I'm not a guy to say he didn't
deserve it, but he doesn't deserve it.

No. We're faster runners than him.

If you and I were there, we'd
be blowing him in the dust.

I had a shot. There was some guys
sniffing around a few years ago.

I saw that. I remember that.

I remember, and you were good.

Thank you. I just wanted...
I guess I like the 9-5.

You know, I like the regular...

I am with you.

Do the job, retire.

And our day is never the same.

Like, one day you'll be sitting
outside a domestic dispute,

the other day you're down on Wall
Street stepping on some hippies.

Hey, and another day, guess what? We
get the benefit of the whole thing,

we still get to do parades.

- I love parade duty.
- I love parades.

I'll take that over running
around a mile-and-a-quarter track.

And now there are so many more parades.

The gay pride parade,

- the St. Patty's day.
- St. Patty's,

- Love that one.
- Fourth of July parade,

Puerto Rican pride.

Hey, look, if the Yankees,
Rangers, or the Knicks win...

You know what we'll
never do? A Mets parade.

- No, they will never...
- They're terrible this year.

No, no, no, my, uh, my father's
father was in the '86 Mets parade.

- Was he?
- They tried to get him to do blow.

- Who, Gooden?
- Gooden.

- Really?
- Yeah, he tried to

give my father's friend blow.

- Not even horse tranquilizer.
- No.

They were just...
Anything that could sniff,

- Yeah.
- they were shoving coke up it.

But Greg's gonna miss out on all that.

I'll blow my brains out
if Greg gets super famous.

- I'm not kidding.
- Ugh.

I will blow my brains out.

I'll hold the gun and
I'll turn it on myself.

- Please.
- I will do that.

- Let's make a suicide pact right now.
- Really. Oh, my God.

- All right, man, look.
- Yeah.

Making babies really isn't that hard.

Okay. All you have to
do is just be yourself.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

That's not really instructions
or anything. You told me you...

You want me to give
you a step-by-step...

I... No. Nah, that's not...

Here. Watch this, okay?

I will show you by doing.

Okay, he's walking over,

talking to her. Yeah, okay, cool.

"Hey, what's up? My name's Mike.

"Do you wanna make babies with me?

"Maybe we'll go in the
bathroom, and then..."

Uh, okay, and they're
actually in the bathroom.

Oh, that's great.

Hey, man, who are you talking to?

No one. Hey, Fink,
what's happening, man?

You okay, man?

- Yeah.
- You look sweaty and nervous.

I'll be honest with you, I'm
a little anxious, I guess.

Yeah, 'cause you've
never made babies before?

No, okay, just stop reiterating that.

We don't need to have everyone hear.

Oh, everybody knows. I've
been telling everybody.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ever since I found out, this is
the best piece of information.

I'm using it as a currency
to curry favor with everybody.

I'm glad it's working in
the benefit of someone.

- Oh, no, it's working great for me.
- Oh, good.

All right, here's the deal.

I'm gonna make this a
little easier for you.

Yeah, what are you... Take one of these.

What is that? What, don't ask
what it is, okay? It's a blue pill.

- Where'd you get it from?
- I found it.

I found a whole bunch of blue
pills on the ground, okay?

- Okay...
- I've been taking them all night,

they've been making me
rock hard and ready to go.

You know what, I
actually don't need drugs.

I'm just gonna follow the
info that Mike gave me.

Okay, which is what?

Uh, being... be... Just gonna be myself.

- That's great advice...
- Yeah.

If you don't want to
make babies tonight.

- No, I...
- 'Cause you've been

yourself for your whole life,

and you've never made babies.

So, why would that stop working now?

Because Mike said it,
and now I'm gonna use it,

and it's like a gusto sort of thing.

Yeah, I'm fine, okay, Fink?

Fine. I'm out.

Fuck me.

Phil, Phil, look at this.

Oh, my God.

- Come here, look at this, huh?
- Jesus Christ!

- Look at this!
- You just

made that in the bathroom?

This is my daughter Rebecca.

You're a father.

You know, when you see them smile...

Oh, your voice is different, too.

It really connects your
place in the universe in a way

- What happened to you?
- you tend to

remember, you know? It grounds you.

This is terrible.

Oh, she's looking at you. Look at this.

Hi, baby.

- Mommy.
- No!

- Aww, her first words!
- No, no, no, no!

- That's not... That's not me.
- Aww, she called you Mommy.

I don't think that's what she said.

I actually...

Oh, that's right, he is a little mommy.

- I'm not a mo...
- You know what? I'm gonna go.

DJ Lab Rat.

DJ. Lab Rat.

Lab Rat.

How's everyone doing?
Crowd check in.

Just so everyone knows,
I do accept tips.

Throw a few pennies
in that tip jar, everyone.

And pennies is obviously
a metaphor for dollar bills.

All right.

Who likes Avril Lavigne?

Hey, what's happening,

- man, how's it going?
- Hey.

- Good. Good, yeah.
- Good, yeah, awesome.

Totally.

How's this party for you?

- Oh, it's fun, yeah.
- Yeah?

- I got a couple friends here, so...
- Totally.

- That's great.
- Yeah, we're having

a good time, hanging out.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, are you having fun?

Uh... Not really,

- actually. Um...
- Oh.

Just generally,
I like being alone

more than, like, with a group
of people and stuff like that.

Like, I'd rather be like,
basically, like, at my house,

but not like Son of Sam,
or anything like that.

- Uh-huh.
- I'm not like a weirdo.

I'm not gonna stay up all night
and just, like, by myself

just sort of like, strangling
myself. Just like, I'm not, like,

nuts.

I'm not nuts.

Right.

- Um... Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

- That's stupid.
- No, that's okay.

I understand parties
can be overwhelming.

- It's tough, you know?
- Yeah.

Um, you know what? I actually...
I see a friend of mine over there,

so I think I'm gonna
go chat with her.

Oh, cool, yeah, I'll join you guys.

Uh, I think we're probably
gonna go to the bathroom.

Oh, my God. This is really happening.

It's as quick as
Mike said it would be.

Uh, all right, I'm down.

I'll watch you two first,

and then, you know, whenever
I feel ready, I'll warm myself up,

and then I'll just
join in with you.

- It'll be great.
- What?

I figured we were going
to the bathroom together...

- Oh, my God!
- Okay...

- I want everyone at this party,
- That's fine.

- everyone!
- No, no, no.

This guy

Don't make an announcement.
That's fine.

- is a pervert!
- No, I'm not.

- He is a sick, disgusting deviant!
- No, no, I...

- It's fine, I didn't mean...
- He wants to

stand and watch us
go to the bathroom

and stroke himself like

- a fucking maniac!
- No.

- Please, stop this.
- He's the

reason I started hating men,

- Please, stop yelling at me.
- And now,

I loathe this guy!
Stay away from him.

Yeah, totally, that guy
is a pervert. He's so gross.

I saved her from the pervert,

so I don't know who she's
talking about exactly. It's not me.

Nice.

Look at you with the fingerpainting.
You are a natural.

My daughter's a natural at this.

I am drawing the trash.

Aww, our trash.

It's our trash.

Is that your daughter?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's Rebecca.

She's my... She's my little one. Yeah.

You have a way with children.

You should have more,
don't you think?

Uh...

That's... I... I see...
I see what you're doing.

I saw you across
the room and I just...

Well, I was wondering if you'd like to
go into the bathroom and make babies.

Oh, my God.

Is it getting hot in here?

Ha. I just...

Um, look, I...
You're very beautiful.

You know, I think right now I'm
just sort of in the head space

of concentrating on my little
Rebecca, you know? So...

Well, please know at any point,

if you'd like to come visit me,
I'll be in the bathroom

getting my downstairs ready
if you change your mind.

Your downstairs ready?

That's a ref...

That's like, a play on words
thing you're doing, right?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Sorry, I'm a little unclear
on entendres sometimes.

Well, let's get you really clear.

Let's get you really, really clear.

- The clear part is another entendre?
- Yes.

- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.

- That one's a little unclear.
- Yeah. Yes.

- That entendre was a little unclear.
- I realize that now

after I said it.

I came on him, and uh...

it was too late.

- You know?
- Aww.

The trap had already sprung.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, my gosh.

His neck was snapped.

There was blood coming
out of his ears and his mouth.

- That's horrible.
- That's awful.

He was my brother, you know?

I was supposed to look after him.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

But he was dead.

I mean, don't get me
wrong, I ate the cheese.

- Well, you can't pass up the cheese.
- Well, you have to.

You can't pass up the...
You guys get it.

- Yeah.
- Totally.

But, you know, that loss,

I feel like there's
a hole in my heart

that I don't know if
I'll ever fill again.

- You're damaged.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Like, the back. It's lumbar.
That's the word I was looking for.

Lumbar. I couldn't
think for a second.

Could you just hold
my hand for a minute?

Uh, yeah.

- Thank you.
- All right, yeah, yeah.

- Thank you so much.
- That's great.

- This is...
- Okay, that helps.

- That's good.
- Yeah, tot...

Uh, okay. You have something

- coming out of
- Okay.

What looks like your butt.

- Ah!
- Oh, that's a little head.

- Oh, it's coming!
- That's just a

little head coming
out of your butt.

You're making babies.
I'm putting it together.

- Pull it out of me!
- Okay.

Ugh!

Oh, my God, we did it.

- Yeah, we did it.
- We did it.

- We did do it.
- We did it!

- Oh, my God.
- You are amazing!

You're the amazing one.

Who are you?

Just a... Just a guy.

Oh, my God! Sweetheart,
give me a kiss!

Who's this guy?

You look beautiful!
And look at my little...

I'm so happy that you're here!

What's happening?

- I love you.
- This is really a good moment.

Thank you, nurse, really.

Uh, actually,
I'm not a nurse. Uh...

You're right.
You're a hero.

You're a hero.

I was just called
a pervert a second ago.

- The Weinsteins are indebted to you.
- Yes.

You guys are married,
so this is a...

- Oh, yes, this is my husband.
- Yeah, this is a family.

- Great.
- Yeah.

- That is great to meet you.
- Yeah. Georgie.

- I'm Phil, by the way.
- Hey, Phil.

- This is great.
- How you doing?

Well, you guys
have a great night.

This is a great family.

One more and you got
a basketball team.

Absolutely.

- You're a good man, Phil.
- Thanks, George.

Oh, yeah. I got shit to do.

Dad, I'm hungry.

All right, all right, honey.

We got some steak and
eggs for you right here.

- What? Dad!
- I am a vegetarian!

- Hey, Mike?
- I can't...

- I told you this.
- keep track of all these phases.

- Mike? Hey, Mike?
- Phil.

- Hey, how's it going, dude?
- Hi.

Listen, I've been following

- what you were saying,
- Uh-huh?

And it's not really working out

- exactly how I planned.
- Okay.

I think maybe if I introduced
some sort of music element...

Yeah. Phil, listen,
I'm sorry, man.

I just need your help.
I just need your help!

I'm so, sorry, dude.

- I just need your help.
- I can't

really do this right now, okay?

Okay, but you told me to just
be myself and I'm being myself...

Well, Phil, maybe y
ourself isn't that good.

Maybe you're not that good.

I don't know. What do you want me
to say? I don't have all the answers.

- Jesus!
- You know what?

You're a real fucking piece of

- work, you know that?
- Okay, Phil.

You have one fucking kid

and you just leave
me high and dry.

You said you wouldn't leave me!

You're still cooking a steak, Dad.

I don't know how
many times I need to

- tell you
- This looks like a lot of fun.

- I don't eat this shit.
- I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Yeah, well, just go.

Rebecca, did I hear you curse?

♪ Oh, Franklin the flirt ♪

♪ I understand the hurt ♪

♪ That you would speak about ♪

♪ Before you had
me all figured out ♪

Yeah.

Fink, Fink, hey, man.

Hey, dude, how's it going?

Great.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You don't look like
you're doing that good.

Nah, I'm doing great, actually.

I'm just a little wiped out.

I just made babies with all
five of those girls over there.

Wow. Speaking of

which, why I came over here.

I'm actually looking for one of
those blue pills you had earlier.

- Ugh.
- You know, one of those that

make you relaxed, confident.

Make girls like you, your dad
respect you, and all that type of stuff.

Uh, yeah, I got a blue
pill, but it doesn't

do any of that stuff
that you just said.

Well, hey, regardless,
I just want, you know,

the thing that you had earlier.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Yeah, give it to me, man.

All right, have fun.

All right.

- You nervous?
- No, I'm not nervous.

I'm totally cool about it.

Don't be nervous.
Bro, look at me.

Look at me, br...

- Look at me, bro.
- Yeah.

This is how awesome
you could look

- Yeah.
- in like, an hour.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Take the pill and then come find me

because we're gonna
be looking great.

That's right, man.

Me and Fink hanging out.

No Mike. Yeah.

Totally.

Oh, too much pussy.

Here we go, Phil.

Gulp.

Lab Rat!

What is up, party people?

Like to just throw a shout out to
Jarrod for lending me that XLR cable.

It's really working out great.

So, thanks to Jarrod.
This one's for you.

All right.

I actually think it's kicking in.

Maybe I'll just go ahead and...

Oh! Whoa!

Didn't know I had that in me, did you?

Ah! Ooh, ah!

Philly is back in it, bitch!

I'm sorry, that was too much.

I'll reel it back a little bit.

Chicka-chicka-chicka,
pah-pah!

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, my gosh.

That was weird, I was just walking
backwards when I should have been...

- Sorry,
- walking forwards.

And I was doing a twist thing,

- which I never do.
- Yeah, no.

It was actually really good.

Oh, I shouldn't have done it.

Yeah, how's it going? How
are you enjoying the party?

Oh. You know, it's a party.

- Yeah, I know.
- I don't know,

I feel like I've lived
my whole life at parties.

I know, I feel like
parties are just, like,

organized fun.

You know what, though? I am
so happy this party has plates.

Shut the fuck up.

Are you fucking serious?

I brought the plates!

You're the plate guy?

Yes, I brought the plates!

- Oh, my God!
- I know, it's such a rarity.

Like, I always say, like,

- Nobody thanks the plate guy!
- "Nobody thanks the plate guy." Yeah.

Thanks, plate guy.

Whoa.

Okay, if you're having
a baby, I should let

you know that I'm not a certified nurse,

but I have just done this before, so...

Oh, uh, no.

- No.
- Oh, you were just

holding my hand.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

I, uh...

I've never made babies.

I've actually never made babies either.

- You haven't?
- No.

- Oh, my gosh.
- That's pretty amazing.

Two people who like paper plates and
also have never had babies before.

Is... Do you wanna...

I don't know. I just...

Do you want to go into the bathroom
with me and make babies together?

- Uh, yeah. I do.
- Really? Great.

Phil!

- Hey, Mikey. What's up, man?
- Hey, you finally hit the dance floor.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Hit it hard, yeah.

It's about time. You did it.

Dude, I am sorry about before.

- I'll be real about it.
- No, it...

It's fine, dude. Things got a

little heated. It's crazy.

It's funny you should

come over here, 'cause..

No, it's great you're talking
to Rebecca, my daughter.

- Remember? Rebecca?
- Who's this?

Remember the baby?

The baby I had before.

Remember she...

Remember, I was holding the baby?

Yoohoo? Phil?

Yeah, no, okay, that's
your daughter Rebecca

- She called you "Mommy."
- from earlier.

Mm-hmm. I remember now. Yeah.

So, what were you guys...

- You guys are hanging out?
- Nothing.

No, no, no.

I just bumped into her. I
don't even know who she...

We were gonna go make babies.

Why... Why would you say that right now?

Argh.

Well, holy shit, this is incredible.

This is so nice.

Infinitely better than the motel bed.

Yeah, a little bit.

I mean, look at the space here!

And by the way, we're
living on the food.

On the food! We don't
have to get food anymore.

It's right here.

Wait. Turn your head
for a second, please?

- Turn it here?
- What?

Is that an earring?

Oh. Yeah, that's a...
Yeah, I got an earring.

Okay. Um...

So, let's get to work!

I'm just curious what you were thinking.

I'm expressing myself, that's all.

Yeah, I just feel like, you know,

that at our age, it's a little
strange to get an earring.

Lots of people get them.

Look, there was the
cologne phase for you,

- and I didn't say anything.
- Ugh, listen...

Then there was the Miatas.

That is a great car.
That was about mileage.

The earring is a little
awkward, it's a little strange,

and I just wanna hear...

Okay, I got it because I'm young!

Because I'm young!

Oh... Oh. Okay. Oh, boy.

Here, let me... Let me... Let me, uh...

Here, you just sit right here.

You just sit down.

I just like t he way it looks.

- I like the way...
- Okay, listen.

We haven't had a chance to
really talk since the divorce.

Oh, it's... No.

- No.
- And if you wanna...

I just...

I just get sad sometimes, still.

Hey, hey, look, you know,

- divorce is a tough thing.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- And I just wanna tell you,

I think you're handling it super well.

You're making good choices.

I mean, this earring right
here, right off the bat,

I think it's pretty cool.

I feel like you have a joke coming.

Nothing about... did I buy
a bracelet to go with it,

or, uh, "Does it go with a formal gown?"

Or, what else? "Good thing my
daddy's dead or he'd be so mad."

I heard those earlier today. Someone...

They also said I looked
like, um, a Mexican baby.

That culture tends to pierce the

- ears a lot younger.
- Right away.

There, I'll admit, that looks nuts.

Nothing like that? It's over.

- We're done.
- Okay.

Why don't we table this
discussion and have a little lunch?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh, this is delicious.

His blood is so thick.

There's a sweet and
salty thing happening?

It's like, Asiany...

It's like... It's a Hep B. Hep B.

God, I haven't tasted that in so long.

- Since South America.
- Yeah.

Mm-mmm!

Are you kidding me?

What? He is a great guy, Dad.

I'm pretty good.

He's my best friend! Well, not anymore.

Ow!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just, like, I got a
little stomachache or something.

This is what I want
to do, Dad. Accept me.

Yeah, well, I didn't know that included

being a hooch that goes around...

- A hooch!
- She's not a hooch, Mike.

- selling her stuff!
- She's not a hooch, Mike!

It's true!

This guy has never made babies!

I think it's a beautiful thing!

Okay, Rebecca, you actually
don't have to scream that.

Ugh! Urgh.

Fink, I'm clearly in
the middle of something.

I found the box for, uh...

- What?
- From where that pills came from.

What, yeah. Okay, cool. Nice.

That's fun. I don't need that.

- Thanks, dude.
- Urgh.

It's not good, man!

These pills are not good!

- It... Urgh.
- What?

Argh!

Okay.

Man, he is...

- He's a little drunk.
- Yeah.

Phil, did... Did you eat any of these?

What is that?

It... It's the box Fink just had.

Oh, yeah. No, he gave
me one of those, it's

like, one of his blue pills or whatever.

His drugs. I took some drugs.

Well, it says "poison."

What's that?

Pois... It's rat poison.

You're gonna die.

What's that? What's die?
Like, the runny nose one?

No, that's a cold.
You're thinking of a cold.

Is die the... Is die the forever one?

Yeah, dude.

But I never had any kids.

Well, maybe there's still time.

All right, everyone, let's
clear some space to the side

so this dying rat can
get his sick rocks off.

Please, to the left or the right.

You gotta move.

Rebecca...

a great man once told
me just to be yourself.

And for a while, I didn't
think that myself was any good.

But then I met you, and
you made me appreciate me.

I love you.

I love you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Before we make babies,

I saw something earlier.

Yes, Phil?

Will you...

- What?
- Will you sit on my face?

I mean, I know it's
crazy and it sounds weird,

like, why would you sit on my face,

but I really need this right now.

If it'll make you happy.

It'll make me the happiest
rat in the whole world.

Thank you.

♪ If you can't find the sea ♪

♪ I will take you there ♪

♪ Green ♪

All right, Phil Jr., get ready.

All right, throw it really
high this time, Grandpa.

All right, here it comes.

Oh, man, I just...

- It bounced out of it.
- It did.

- I'll try better next time.
- All right.

- Hey, Grandpa?
- Uh-huh?

Can I ask you something?

You can ask me anything you want.

I was just wondering,
how are rat babies made?

Well, Junior,

it all starts when your daughter
sits on your best friend's face

who's dying of a poison overdose.

No. No, I...

Let's just forget it. I'm okay.

Phil Jr.! Dinner's ready!

Oh, coming, Mom!

Come on, Grandpa.

Be right in.

Fun party, huh?

Oh, it was great.

- Yeah?
- Um...

- Thank you.
- Pretty good. Oh, yeah.

Great music. It was awesome.

- Lot of fun.
- Oh, thanks a lot. Yeah, yeah.

So, for payment, uh...

are you the guy that I talk to?

No. Um, that would have
probably been Fink or...

I mean, no offense to you,

but everyone says, "I'm
not the guy to talk to,"

and then I just end up not getting paid.

- Right.
- So...

I'm kind of making you the guy
that has to make this happen.

Are you threatening me? Is that...

- No, I'm not.
- Well, that's whatit sounded like.

I mean, that's not a threat.

Obviously, threats imply that
if you don't do something,

there's something bad gonna happen,

which I never said.

So, you might wanna check
your dictionary, bro.

Okay. I'm gonna go inside.

Get off my property, okay?

You may have robbed me,

but I'm leaving with my head high,

because you haven't taken my dignity.

Good day.

God, what an asshole.

Ah, Philly, I wish you were still here.

But I know you're
somewhere better, okay?

Rest easy, friend.