Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003): Season 1, Episode 5 - Gimme a C - full transcript

Who's this? That's not me.

Don't worry.

It's all going to be explained.

This is Lemuel Praeger...
32, single

and vice president in charge
of making our lives miserable.

But where am I?

Am I in my office? No.

Am I in this drawer? No.

Am I disguised as this penguin?
No.

Here I am, heating up my tea.

There's a staple
in that tea bag,



and I don't even care.

Are we out of cream?

Oh, yeah... Praeger asked me
to write a memo about that.

He has decreed no more cream.

Ever? In the whole world?

He's that powerful?

We are not robots.

We need cream.

This is ridiculous.

What's next?

Holding hot coffee
in our cupped hands?

I say it's time to fight!

Come on!

Okay, when I say "come on," that
means you all have to come.



Praeger, we need to talk to you.

Remember this guy?

See how everything
ties together?

Praeger's been driving
us crazy for weeks,

cutting costs in
really obnoxious ways.

First he had motion sensors
installed in the lights.

You stay still longer
than 20 seconds...

Damn it.

Then Praeger discovered he'd
save money on the night crew

by having repairs
done during the day.

Excuse me, excuse me!

Are you sure it's okay for
me to be sitting here?

Oh, my God, have you been
here the whole time?

Yes.

Then you're fine.

Okay, they were really
just changing a light bulb

but the guy was on a ladder

and somebody could
have gotten hurt.

We are sick of
your cost-cutting.

We want our cream back

and our forks,
knives and spoons.

No more sporks and
spnives and knifoons.

It's like a Dr. Seuss
kitchen down there.

You know what I think?

I think somebody's
getting kickbacks

from the company for
pinching pennies

and I think that
somebody is you.

Ooh, you caught me, Fatlock.

Fatlock. That's funny.

Sorry, it's clever word play.

Of course I'm benefiting.

My bonus is tied directly to
how much I save the company.

But it's not fair if you make
money off our suffering.

It's called capitalism, Bambi,

and it's the best
damn system on earth.

How much can you
possibly be saving

by cutting off our cream?

What?

What? Thank you.

We're not afraid
of you, Praeger.

We're just powerless

and that makes us
dangerous, right guys?

By the way, I'm cutting
back on janitorial,

so you're going to
have to take turns

cleaning your kitchen area.

Excellent.

Okay, when I say, "Right, guys?"

you're supposed to yell a
bunch of supportive things.

You go! You bet!

It's too late.

♪ You never know just
what's around the bend ♪

♪ Where to go and
where you've been ♪

♪ Just see the world
through my eyes ♪

♪ I think you'd be surprised. ♪

I can't believe
they're making us

clean up after ourselves.

This company is becoming
more and more like my mom.

Dunbar?

This guy hasn't been
here for two years.

I wonder if this is his lunch

or I finally found out
what happened to him.

I'll wager that none
of your lunches

have been left in there.

Good one, Dracula.

Oh, this is disgusting.

I shouldn't have to do this.

Oh, boo-hoo.

In my time, we used to
work people 16 hours a day

and they were happy to do it

because it meant they didn't
have to go to grammar school.

Want to see how they made
a sandwich 20 years ago?

Anything new here?

Oh, yes, my friend.

When did you become Goldfinger?

I came up with a little payback
for our friend Praeger.

Really? You?

But you're a coward.

Not in the safety
of my own office.

This is Praeger's office before

and after.

Before... after.

I like this.

Our sweet Byron came up
with an idea for revenge?

You don't poke the bear.

The only problem
is I'm management,

and there's a whole chapter
in the manual about how

we're not supposed to
participate in shenanigans.

In fact, technically, I'm
supposed to report you

if I detect even a
whiff of shenaniganism

and this is definitely...

Okay, I'm in.

I bet you want to know

what our plan was to
get back at Praeger.

Well, I'm not going to tell you.

Okay, I'll give you
a little taste.

This is Praeger's reaction
when he sees what we've done.

Sorry, that's all you get.

He's still there.

That's crazy. He's
always gone by 6:00.

How do you know? You're
always gone by 5:00.

Once I over-napped.

One of us has to get
him out of there

so we can do this thing.

Yeah, but which one of
us is going to do that?

Not it.

Not it. Not it. Not it.

What?

Just like drama camp.

I space out for one second

and end up spending
the whole summer

tap dancing with a giant
pumpkin on my head.

What?

Okay, I better start
thinking of a plan.

So, what was that, a phone call?

I get those.

What?

So, uh...

want to go with me to
get something to eat?

Why?

Because...

I really respect you?

And I desperately
want you to like me?

So, please, allow me

to buy you a steak or
anything else that you want

for up to 19 dollars.

At first, dinner was
a little awkward.

But then we found out we
had some things in common.

I love beef.

Yeah, I love beef, too.

You ever had Kobe beef?

That's the beef from cows

that the Japanese feed
beer to and massage?

Oh, my God.

When I eat that stuff, I
wish they'd won the war.

This is nice...

Going out to dinner with
someone from the office.

I always thought everyone
at work hated me.

We don't hate you.

We need more manure!

Oh, this is great!

You can't even tell
this is his desk!

Whee!

Wendy!

You do know what
manure is, right?

Yeah, but they clean
it, don't they?

If they cleaned it,
it wouldn't exist.

So, basically we're
spending an evening

knee-deep in poo.

Who's this joke on, anyway?

Don't worry, Praeger is
going to suffer plenty.

My doom room stank for a month.

But I'm over it.

And where are those guys now?

Lawyers, doctors, Matt Damon...
Big deal.

I know, it's hard to believe

but Praeger and I were
actually having fun.

Yeah, I haven't laughed
this much in a long time.

Well, you should
loosen up a little.

No, it's not that.

I have cancer.

No, I'm serious.

I have cancer.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I haven't told
many people about it.

But for some reason, I
feel comfortable with you.

But please, keep it
to yourself, okay?

Sure.

Sweet bearded Jesus.

This guy's got cancer,

and we're filling
his office with BM.

I got to go.

Oh. I've made you uncomfortable.

Don't be silly.

I'm having a great time.

Okay, then, I got to go.

Oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God...

Clean the manure up!

Get it out of here!

What? We just...

He's got cancer!

I feel terrible.
The man has cancer

and look what we
did to his office.

I can't believe it.

I've got powdered turd in
my hair for no good reason.

Your hair?

I have so much
dung down my pants

I could grow daisies out my ass.

What are you doing?

Here's that look, remember?

Although it's got a
little twist to it

now that we know he has cancer.

Praeger, I'm so sorry.

We never would have done
this had we known that...

You told them?

No, she was going to
say "Had we known

that you do not like
manure in your office."

Oh, Andy, I'm so disappointed.

The next day we were all
sitting around like this.

Actually...

it was more like this.

Anyway, we all felt awful

about what we'd done,
especially me.

We don't deserve cream.

Yes, we do.

Okay, granted, we did
engage in bad shenanigans,

but it's not like we're
Stalin or somebody.

Tim Stalin in accounting?

Yeah. Tim Stalin in accounting.

That was the worst
Stalin I could think of.

Guys, we have to do something
to make this up to Praeger.

Can't we just avoid
him till he dies?

Keith!

I'm sorry.

I don't do well with disease.

It makes me think of
my own mortality,

and I don't like that.

I don't know what
he's worried about.

If Keith's death is
anything like his life

here's what it's
going to look like:

Here's Keith at 93 years old.

Looks good, huh?

And here's how he dies.

Oh, my God, three hours?

Thank you.

And here's how I'm
going to check out.

We've taken off all
your arms and legs

but we still haven't
determined the problem.

I understand.

Hey!

I don't need your attitude.

A pack of hungry rats has
taken over the hospital!

Run! Run!

Rats?

If they catch me with this
cheese, they'll eat me alive.

And two weeks later I'm dead.

Praeger, we're all real
sorry about last night.

If there's anything we
can do, just tell us.

Yeah, okay. How about tonight

you don't fill my
office with caca?

Seriously, Praeger, we
want to make it up to you.

Yeah, let us do something.

Okay.

I've always wanted to
meet Crocodile Dundee.

What?

I want to meet Crocodile Dundee.

You mean, Paul Hogan?

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I love those movies.

He's such a fish out of water.

"That's not a knife.
Now, this is a knife."

God, he cracks me up.

Make that happen.

Not it.

Not it. Not it.

So, buddy, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, here's the deal.

I was thinking of other things
that might cheer me up,

and I want to have
sex with Jessica.

How about you set
that up for me, huh?

Not it.

It's just... well, uh...

"Well, uh..."

Fine. Forget it.

Blow me off.

No, no, no.

Uh...

Look, I just thought

that since you
betrayed my confidence

and did this horrible thing,

you might want to do
something nice for me.

But you don't,

and that's between
you and your God,

and I'll be sure to give him
your regards when I see him.

Do you want a pony?

Because we have a
free one coming

since we bought all that manure.

So, Praeger, boy, that
is something, huh?

It's a shame.

You know, speaking of Praeger

even though he's
busy having cancer,

he still finds time to say
nice things about you.

Oh, God, where's this going?

He wants to have sex with you.

You'd be on your way
home in five minutes.

Well, you've just
thought of everything

and I even get to
go to his house.

I can make that go away.

Andy, it's not going to happen.

Okay, look, I know, I know,
it's a precious gift,

but it's not like you haven't
given it out before.

All I'm saying is just
start with a neck rub

and see where it leads.

Well, how about I
grab you by the neck

and shake you like a chicken?

Save the dirty talk for Praeger.

Okay, first of all...

and secondly, Praeger's
really milking this.

Do you know that he blows
off work every day

for a few hours

and I've had to
pick up the slack?

He's probably going
to his treatments.

You know, I wouldn't
put it past him

to be faking this whole thing.

I mean, how do we know for
sure that he even has cancer?

How dare you?!

That man is a hero!

A hero! What has he ever done?

He has a disease!

Okay, you know what?

Maybe that doesn't
make him a hero,

but he's still more of a hero

than that kid that
fell down the well,

and they made six TV
movies about that kid.

Okay, tell you what.

You push Praeger down a
well, I'll think about it.

No, that's okay. I understand.

Hey.

So the Make a Dream Foundation
can't deliver Paul Hogan.

Apparently, no one has
ever dreamed that before.

Well, I tracked down
Paul Hogan's manager.

Really?

God, that's great.

Is that the phone number?

No, that's not a phone number.

Now, that's a phone number.

Get it? Like Crocodile Dundee.

I don't remember that part.

We were all working really
hard to help Praeger.

Even Keith.

Want to talk about
the, uh, cancer?

Okay.

For Keith,

that was like building
houses with Jimmy Carter.

Ow!

What? A lapdance.

I mean, you can touch him.
He can't touch you.

I'll be there the whole time.

Stop it.

You're so scared of me.

We got a surprise.

A special visitor for Praeger.

You guys got Crocodile Dundee?

No, his manager said
he was too busy

but we got somebody even better.

That kid that fell
down the well?

Ladies and gentlemen...

It's Erik Estrada.

It's Ponch from Chips!

You're, like, my
favorite Latino guy.

Here you go, son.

I couldn't bear to see you sick.

Oh, cool! Ponch got me a bear.

Now, you're going to get
through this, slugger. Hey...

7-Mary-4, I'm going to
pull over this cancer

and give it a citation!

That's great!

Excuse me, Mr. Estrada.

I'm sorry, but this is not

the gentleman
you're here to see.

Andy, give back the bear.

This is the cancer guy.

Praeger, we brought someone
special to meet you.

I told you I wanted
Crocodile Dundee.

Not... this.

We couldn't get
Crocodile Dundee.

But he brought you this bear.

Wow, a bear.

I'm all better now.

Jessica, I want that
report on my desk

by the time I'm back
from my treatment.

Can somebody pick that up?

I have cancer.

I am so sorry, Mr. Estrada.

Ay, por Dios...

I'm never going to do
these things anymore...

I can't believe Praeger snubbed
Erik Estrada like that.

Guys, I'm telling you,

I don't even think
he's really sick.

Stop it, Jessica.

Nobody would lie about
a thing like that.

Unless he's using
us to run around

and do all these favors for him.

Well, maybe if we all were
doing favors for him,

he wouldn't be such
a cranky pants.

Right, this is all my fault.

We wouldn't be in this mess
if only I was a big slut.

I don't think he's lying.

He's been going to cancer
treatments every day.

I don't know about that.

Tim Stalin in accounting
said he saw him going

to some seedy building
the other day.

Definitely wasn't
a medical office.

I'm going to go

get the address from
Praeger's assistant.

She owes me a favor.

Really? Mrs. Billingham?

She's such an old shrew. Why
would she owe you a favor?

Oh, she had the sniffles
once so I did her.

Here it is... 504.

Look at this place.

There's no way these
are doctor's offices.

Praeger's totally scamming us.

I can't believe I opened
up to him like I did.

Did you smell that?

Massage oil?

Praeger, get out here!

We're on to you! Praeger!

Guys, this has got to
be the wrong address.

I'm telling you, Praeger's
at his doctor's.

There's no way he's in there.

What are you guys doing here?

Lemuel, I'm ready for you.

You liar! You don't have cancer!

You've been lying,
manipulating us!

Slipping out in the middle
of the day to have sex

with your lying whore!

All right, I want you
people out of here.

Mr. Praeger, is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Guys, this is Dr. Lee,
my homeopathic doctor.

Oh, no. That probably means
she's not a prostitute.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Sorry.

Praeger,

we're all really sorry.

In fact, your co-payment
for this visit is on us.

I'll consider us even

after you deliver that thing
we talked about earlier,

and I'm going to
need it twice now.

That thing?

All right, wait a minute.

You know, just because you
have a terrible illness

doesn't mean it's okay
for you to be an assbag!

We're all real sorry
that you're sick

but we're done jumping
through hoops for you.

You're a miserable,
miserable man

and you're not
getting that thing!

That thing?

Fine. I get it.

What about this
little bottle rocket?

I don't care what
any of you say.

He's going to know it's us.

All right, desk looks good.

Let's get started on his car.