Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Second Episode - full transcript

Previously on Andy Richter
Controls the Universe:

I woke up.

Got something out of my ear

and went into my kitchen...

where a team of government
scientists were waiting

to analyze it.

Confirming what had
been suspected,

it was immediately
flown to Washington

where it addressed a joint
session of Congress.

Nervous and inexperienced, it
opened with an ethnic joke

and was never taken
seriously again.



Okay, other than digging
this thing out of my ear

none of this really happened.

Here's all you need to know.

I'm a writer.

Short stories, long stories

sometimes stories
of medium length.

Until I can make a living at it

I write technical manuals
for a giant company.

This is my boss, Jessica.

She can hold perfectly still.

So can this guy.

This is Byron, the new person

they're making me share
my tiny office with.

I like him, but not
as much as I like...



Wendy, the new receptionist.

She's nice and really pretty.

But she's going out
with this guy.

Although, you never know
with relationships,

so maybe I have a shot...

at Wendy.

I just wanted to see her again.

And this is Mr. Pickering.

He founded the company in 1880.

Wow! You mean, he's
over 170 years old?!

No, he's dead.

He's in my imagination.

Remember:

Alive.

Alive.

Alive.

Handsome.

Alive.

Dead.

Now you're up to speed.

♪ You never know just
what's around the bend ♪

♪ Where to go and
where you've been ♪

♪ Just see the world
through my eyes ♪

♪ I think you'd be surprised. ♪

I'm not going to comment
on every little thing.

I'm having coffee, and
the doorbell rang.

Like your lives are so exciting.

Yeah?

Oh, my God.

I told you it was him.

I can't believe it.

I've seen a lot of
things in my life.

I've backpacked through Asia.

I've bow hunted with Ted Nugent.

I've cradled a Sherpa
as he died in my arms.

I've...

Who are you?

We're your new neighbors.

I'm Teak. This is Phil.

We just graduated Northwestern.

We were in your frat,
Beta Delta Pi.

You know, guys, those
days aren't ones

that I'm particularly proud of.

You should be.

You were a legend at that frat.

We've seen all the pictures.

The time you wrestled the bear.

Naked.

The time you climbed
outside the library.

Naked.

The time you changed
the oil in your car.

Totally nude.

All right. I was
very comfortable

with my body in college.

That's all you need
to see of these guys.

Let's go to work.

There's Wendy... So
sweet, so lovely.

In my day, five dollars
would have been more

than enough to soil
a woman like that.

Ew! I don't want to
soil a woman like that.

I want to soil that woman

but in a nice way:

a few romantic evenings

a couple walks on the lakefront.

Or for ten dollars, you
could soil her twice.

You are creepy.

And you have no idea what
things cost nowadays.

Hey, Wendy. How's it going?

Andy, hi.

Things are going well.

The phones have been
a little crazy,

but, hey, I'm a receptionist, so...
phones are my thing.

Yeah, phones are great.

They're one of my favorite ways

of talking to someone
who's not there.

So, things are going really
well with me and Keith.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You were right.
He is a good guy.

I think we're going to start

getting serious.

Well, that's great.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I know
you've been waiting.

I haven't been waiting.

All right, I've been waiting.

I mean, I didn't want
to come on too strong,

'cause I didn't know
where things stood

between you two
guys, but, I mean

yeah, I do like you, and I
want to go out with you.

I'll connect you now.

Oh, God. She was talking
to someone on the phone.

You've been waiting for me?

Look how fast I can walk.

I could be in the Olympics.

All I'd have to do
is find an event

where you say something
stupid to women

and then try to get away.

Finally, my office,

where I can be alone.

Except for Byron,

who they jammed
in there with me.

Hi, Andy.

We have a new office mate.

Now there are three
people in this office.

Isn't that something?

This is impossible.

No, it's possible.

It's cruel, like man's
treatment of livestock

but it is possible.

See?

We're doing it.

It's gonna be fine.

When I was in the Army

we'd sleep a hundred guys
in a room just like this.

Three people in here is nothing.

I'm Andy... by the way.

His name is Andy.

Like you.

Won't that be fun?

We figured we'd just
call you "Big Andy."

Huh?

There is a new guy in my office.

Weren't you just in here
last week complaining

about the same thing?

Yes. Because it also
happened to me last week.

Still, there's starting
to be a sameness

to your complaints, which...
And I say this as a friend...

Is getting a little off-putting.

Jessica, I'm living like veal.

Okay. There is a temporary
shortage of office space,

which may or may
not be permanent.

But I promise you this:

There will never be more

than three people in that office

unless something changes.

Here are those files
for the 4:00 meeting.

Hey, Big Andy.

I am not "Big Andy."

Since when?

I was never "Big Andy."

I don't think I'd make
something like that up.

Look, I was here first.

I mean, why can't
he be "New Andy"?

Or I'll be Andy, and he
can be "Black Andy."

We can't run around calling
somebody "Black Andy."

All right, but still

I don't want to share my
office with another person.

Weren't you running
around last week

yelling about the same thing?

I told him.

The rest of my day felt
pretty much like this.

Look at me.

I can't even turn around.

Aw...

This is nothing!

I once lived with
a thousand cows

in one room, with no toilets.

I'm freaking out.

Wouldn't it be nice

to be my neighbors,
Teak and Phil?

Just out of college.

Clueless.

Playing video games all morning.

Maybe spending an hour a day

trying to figure out what
to do with their lives.

Then taking a nap.

Then playing more
video games, until...

Andy's home.

Hey, Andy.

Andy.

Hey, Teak and Phil.

May we come in?

Sure.

Cool apartment.

Is this an original?

The mirror?

I don't think it's
the original mirror,

if that's what you're asking.

Cool.

So, we're having a party
Friday night, and

we were wondering if
you'd like to attend.

Oh, you know, I'm sorry
I can't on Friday.

What if we moved it to Saturday?

Or any other night
you're available?

Guys, you know, I had a really
hard day at work, so...

Yeah, you look a little sad.

What are they doing
to you at that place?

"That place"?

You know where I work?

No.

I just assumed you
worked at a place.

Was I right?

I work for a huge company

and today they shoved
some new guy up my butt.

Not literally.

Although I'm sure

that is a weapon
we're developing.

They can't treat you like that.

You're Andy.

And our Andy must be respected.

Our Andy once wrestled a bear.

Naked.

Our Andy once climbed...

I kid you not.

This went on for 15 minutes.

But Teak and Phil were right.

I should be respected.

And the next morning

I was going to get that respect.

Morning, Large Andy.

It's Big Andy.

Morning, White Andy.

Morning, White Andy.

Morning, Bob.

My planned called for a
multipronged attack.

The first prong would be

to convince my best friend Keith

that he had to take in
one of my office mates.

Why would I do that?

Yeah.

The second, and sadly,
last prong of my attack

called for enlisting
Byron's help.

Morning.

Where's Andy?

He stepped out for a minute.

You know, I've been
talking to him

and he is really a good guy.

He's always laughing
and making jokes.

Yes, he's a wonderfulman.

And if he were
filled with helium

and floated around the
ceiling, we could keep him.

But since he's not,
he's got to go.

Actually, I've decided

that I'm going to
accept the situation.

See, I found that
acceptance is perhaps

the most important element

to living a happy
and peaceful life.

Which is so much what
I want right now.

Well, want something else

because we're going
to war over this.

I don't like war.

I'm not really comfortable
being a hero ora coward

so war is a no-win for me.

I know.

You're gentle and reasonable.

Which is why it will
mean so much more

when you scream at Jessica.

Hey, Grande Ande!

Hey, Fatso Jessica!

Huh? How do you like it?

Fatso Fatty Fatso Fat-Fat.

What are you doing?

Jump in here, Byron.

I don't think you're fat.

I needed to get out of there.

I needed to be someplace
where I would be respected,

appreciated, adored, pampered.

Andy's here!

The real Andy, or the
sculpture we had made?

All right!

The real one!

That night, Teak and Phil
threw a party in my honor.

Most of the guys who
came were from the frat

and they really looked up to me.

Watch this: I'm getting
to the end of my joke.

They loved it, and
they didn't even know

who Helen Keller was.

There was a lot of camaraderie.

See, the fraternity system
is based on the Greek code

of loyalty and honor.

The Greeks were an
ancient civilization

with complex rituals that
we shouldn't question.

Okay, the evening degenerated
into a homoerotic dog pile.

But it was a homoerotic dog
pile built on respect.

I drank way too much at
Teak and Phil's party.

But the next morning I woke
up, happy and refreshed.

You were expecting me to
feel hung over, right?

Well, last night I was
part of something,

and even though
drinking is wrong

and should never be done
under any circumstances,

I really felt good.

Howdy, boys.

You ready?

For what?

Remember?

We were going to
take a road trip

into the Illinois heartland,

do some fishing

check out the outlet malls.

You said you always
wanted to catch a bass

and that you needed socks.

Oh, yeah, but I-I
got to work today.

Don't you guys work?

We set up Web sites.

Most of the people who do that

are extremely irresponsible,

so if we flake out,
it's totally cool.

You know what? I am going
to take the day off.

I mean, they don't care
about me at work, anyway.

Let the other Andy
pick up the slack.

Yeah... while this
Andy picks up slacks

at the outlet mall.

Dude, that's hilarious.

Seriously.

So, I blew off my job

and ventured into the
Illinois heartland.

The fishing wasn't that great

but the sock-buying
was fantastic!

Plus, I really wanted
them to miss me at work.

Here's what I imagined
it looked like.

Hey, Wendy.

What's wrong?

Andy didn't come in today.

And he didn't even call.

I just hope he's all right.

Andy? My best friend?
This is all my fault.

I should have taken in
one of his office mates.

And now no one knows
what's happened to him.

Morning!

And yet you live!

No, Keith!

It's my fault.

I should have gone
out with Andy.

He's so masculine...
and super sexy.

And those lips...

Wow, don't get me started.

I'm so friendlyand nice...
blah, blah, blah!

Would you shut up?!

Oh-oh-oh-oh...

The original Andy is
somuch better than you.

I, and I alone, am responsible
for Andy's suffering.

And if anything happens to him...
Especially those lips...

I willkill myself.

I can't believe
he's actually gone!

What'll I do?

♪ I'll spend the day
by the seaside ♪

♪ I'll spend the day
by the shore... ♪

When we stopped at
the Underwear Barn

I broke down and called Jessica
just so she wouldn't worry.

This is Jessica.

Hey, Jessica, it's Andy.

Oh, Andy, thank God.

Don't worry, I'm okay.

Listen, can you bring me

the revised text for page 44B?

I'd come get it but I'm swamped.

Come get it?

Are you aware that
I'm not there today?

What are you talking about?

I spoke to you this
morning getting coffee.

No, you didn't.

We talked about your shoes.

You said they were
hurting your feet.

That was yesterday.

Your brown shoes...
the new ones.

I'm notthere today.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure!

Oh, come on.

This is all because you
have to share your office?

It is not just the office.

You didn't even notice that
I didn't come in today.

Well, I may not come
in tomorrow, either.

Or the day after that.
Or the day after that.

Andy, the day after
tomorrow is Saturday.

None of us are coming in.

Well, I may never come in again,

so you can just kiss these
beautiful lips good-bye.

Beautiful lips?

Hey, did you guys know

Andy didn't come
in to work today?

He's here; we were
just talking about

how his shoes were
hurting his feet.

No, apparently,
that was yesterday.

Are you sure?

So, he didn't come to work
because of his shoes?

No, I think it's more
serious than that.

Well, I hope so

because these pants are
excruciating, and I'm here.

These would be my friends now,
and I would be their leader.

And like all great leaders

I would be kind and benevolent.

And pander to the lowest
common denominator.

Group: Andy! Andy! Andy!

Andy! Andy!

We're here to see Andy.

Excellent.

Right now he's trying to
prove that it ispossible

to drink a gallon
of milk in an hour.

Behold.

It can't be done.

The body can't process
lactose that quickly.

Really? What happens?

Andy! Yes! Yes!

Way to go, Andy!

I so made the right choice.

Andy...

is that the shirt I loaned you?

What are you guys doing here?

You're being stupid.

No, technically, that would
be what I'm doing here.

Fine.

We want you to leave...

all this and come back to
work tomorrow... Andy.

Real... Andy.

Only... Andy.

Milk-fed Andy.

Dude, you can't go
back to work tomorrow.

You were going to show us how
to break into Wrigley Field.

Yeah. We were going to
take batting practice

and shower in the locker room.

And run bare-assed
through the stands.

We need you, man.

Yeah!

Will you get the new
guy out of my office?

I can't do that.

Then I'm staying.

Yeah!

Hey, you guys

want to come with us and
watch Andy wrestle a bear?

A real bear, or-or does he
mean, like, "your demons"?

No, a real bear.

I... I did it once
back in college.

I promised these
guys I'd do it again

if they could find me one.

They found me one.

Andy, don't wrestle a bear.

The plastic surgeons on
our health plan suck.

Remember how handsome
O'Connor was

before he tried to
pet the cougar?

Don't worry.

Phil found a trained bear.

It's supposed to be very nice.

Unless it feels threatened.

Won't wrestling with it
make it feel threatened?

What am I? A veterinarian?

I don't know what bears think.

One of the guys had
access to a gym

and Phil knew a guy with
a bear, only the bear

was at a private
party that night.

Apparently, you have to
book bears in advance.

Anyway, Phil didn't want
to return empty-handed

so he brought back... Well,
I'll just show you...

A boxing kangaroo.

Aren't kangaroos vicious?

No. Look at him. They're funny.

I can do this.

How tough can he be?

He's got a pouch that's
practically a purse.

Ooh, you going to hit
me with your purse?

Show time.

Come on!

Knock him out! Stick up!

Knock him out!

All right, all right!

Come on!

Andy! Andy!

What?

Don't worry about his hands.

Keep your eyes on...

his feet.

Keep your eyes on his feet.

Are you even listening to me?

It's his feet...
He uses his feet!

I know he uses his feet!

He might as well use a gun.

Just staydown.

Do I get my office back?

I can't promise you that.

Well, you're going
to feel pretty bad

when my head flies off
and hurts someone.

Here comes the foot.

Protect your head.
Protect your head!

Andy! Andy! Andy!

Oh...

You're being an idiot.

God, is that you?

Please make it stop
hurting down there.

- It's not God, you sack of goo.
- It's me.

So, your friends took
you for granted.

Big deal, it happens.

Obviously, they care about
you, or they wouldn't be here.

You think?

I do, and you know it, too.

You're the smartest
kangaroo I've ever met.

Thank you,

but you must not
know too many of us

because in the kangaroo world,
I'm borderline retarded.

Why do you think I have to
box humans for a living?

Apparently, a severe
blow to the groin

can make you imagine
all kinds of things.

But the kangaroo was right.

My friends did care about me

and they proved
that the next day

when I came in to work...

and the other Andy was gone.

It was a group effort.

Wendy heard about an open
office on the eighth floor

and Keith charmed them
into going along with it.

I called Personnel

and Byron helped
Other Andy move.

They all went to bat for me
and I felt really good...

Until that afternoon when one
of my testicles turned blue

and required emergency surgery.

Andy, come on, man!

Hold still, or he'll kick you.