Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003): Season 1, Episode 3 - Little Andy in Charge - full transcript

This was a very good day.

I had some exciting news
about a girl I liked

and I knew my friends would
be eager to hear about it.

Big news, everybody!

Did you talk to her?

Did you ask her out?

Did she say, "Yes"?

Didya, didya, didya?

♪ Things... went very well ♪

♪ They started off rough ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪



♪ But they ended up swell. ♪

Okay, that was the
Broadway musical version.

Here's what really happened.

So, hey... I called
Leslie Clevenger.

The girl I went to
high school with.

We only talked about her for
like a half an hour yesterday.

Oh, yeah.

I meant to erect a monument
to that conversation

but I couldn't find a grade
of marble boring enough.

Well, that was mean.

I know... you're right.
I'm sorry.

I have this big meeting tomorrow

and I've been a little stressed
about it, but please...

Continue what you were saying.



I called Leslie Clevenger...

Oh, not the Leslie
Clevenger story again.

Are you still
talking about that?

I'm sorry.

I just shouldn't be
around people right now.

Well, for those of you

who can be around people,

Leslie's this hot girl that
I went to high school with,

but I never had the
nerve to ask her out.

But in the last month, she's
come back into my life.

Andy's face lit up like a
daisy when she called.

She's a rep for one
of our distributors

and we've been having

these really great
conversations on the phone.

His eyes were the
size of saucers...

What are you doing?

I'm trying to make
it more colorful,

so that people
remember it next time

but go ahead,
master storyteller.

So I asked her out
to dinner tonight

and she said yes.

That's the end of my story.

So basically, you have a date.

Cool.

That wasn't very satisfying.

Let's go back to the
Broadway version.

Big finish.

♪ Andy's got a date ♪

♪ And I'm glad! ♪

Got a date, yeah.

♪ You never know just
what's around the bend ♪

♪ Where to go and
where you've been ♪

♪ Just see the world
through my eyes ♪

♪ I think you'd be surprised. ♪

Hey, you all right?

Yeah, it's just this meeting
tomorrow is a big deal.

The regional VP's
going to be there.

Bob Miller, 52.

Degree in economics
from Wharton.

Enjoys skeet shooting.

Has three kids:
Randy, Susan and...

Randy?

Could he have two
kids named Randy?

Actually, I think knowing
too much about his kids

might look a little creepy.

I just want to impress him.

Miller's a tough guy,
but if he likes you,

you can write your own ticket.

So maybe you should tell
him your name's Randy.

He seems strangely
drawn to that name.

I know, I seem obsessive

but I just, I want
to be prepared.

You're overprepared.

You just need to relax.

Hey, I'm going out with
some girlfriends tonight.

You could come with us.

I can't.

Oh, hey, did you know

that when skeet shooting
was first invented,

they used to just throw
rocks up in the air.

Do you know what they
shot at them with?

Other rocks.

Pick me up at 8:00.

So, here I am,

waiting to meet my high
school crush Leslie.

I'll bet she's still beautiful.

Women rarely change

from high school to
their early 30s, right?

Okay, calm down.

I'm sure she's still hot.

Fine, so she's not quite as
stunning as she used to be.

All in all, she's very...

Oh, thank God.

All right, looking good.

Who likes to party?

I like to party.

Party's over.

Andy?

Wow.

Say something.

Howzith.

Say an actual word.

Hi, Leslie.

It's great to see you.

It's great to see you, too.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

I thought I was going

to be meeting that guy.

I'm sorry, that's really
shallow, isn't it?

No, you're just protecting
your genetic code.

That's noble, that's
what that is.

Oh, you always could
make me laugh.

You know, talking with
you these last few weeks

has made me sorry
we didn't spend

more time together
in high school.

Well, you should have joined
the Dungeons & Dragons Club.

You were right, I needed this.

Isn't it great? I have to go.

What?

It's 11:00.

I have that meeting with the
skeet shooter tomorrow.

Don't be a wussy.

If you leave now,
you'll miss the foam.

The what?

Whoo!

Ugh... Oh...

Jessica, come on.

You got to get to that meeting
with that Miller guy.

None of that matters now.

Come on, get up.

My God, what happened to you?

What do you mean,
what happened to me?

You dropped me off at my house
at 4:00 in the morning.

And why was I wearing
a shirt that said

"Ass, Gas or Grass:
Nobody Rides for Free"?

Because you won.

Where's your lipstick?

In my purse.

Where's your purse?
I don't know.

All around my lipstick.

I had the best night last night.

All right, hold still.

Wow, today's pretty good, too.

So, when we did a standard
Pierson test on the data,

the answer was yes.

Then we ran it through
a computer simulation

and the answer was no.

Then we ran the results
through a Lieberman model

and the answer was still no.

So we recalibrated a
net products test

and the answer was yes.

No, wait, it was no...

Oh, God, you're killing me.

Jessica?

We've been talking
about this project

for six months.

We've spent as much
money studying it

as it would have cost to send

a thousand starving
kids to college.

So, come on, Miller,

father of three, you
big skeet shooter

let's just make a
decision already.

Jessica...

You're right, let's do this.

Really? Oh, cool.

Nick...

unless you want to waste
more of our time,

I think we're done.

Way to go.

You got Miller's attention

and you got us out
of here early.

Have you been kissing Wendy?

It was like I was in a zone.

I was too tired
to censor myself,

so the moment I had a thought

it just shot out of my mouth.

Usually, you're really
guarded in meetings,

but today you were totally
reckless, like a rogue cop

who plays by his
own set of rules.

I was like that.

There is something about not
taking things so seriously.

I told you.

You just needed to relax.

The kind of cop who'd
storm an embassy banquet

to thwart the gangland hit

of the very mayor who
wants your badge.

I totally impressed
that Miller guy.

Hey, what do you say we go
out tonight and celebrate?

I don't know.

I don't usually party like
that two nights in a row.

Come on.

I know this place where
we can get in free,

if we wrestle each other.

As you can see,

things have been going really
well with me and Leslie.

We've had several great dates

but I'll spare you
all the boring stuff

about getting to
know each other.

All right, I'll
show you one thing

just because I think she's
really cute when she laughs.

What did I tell you?

My laugh isn't nearly as cute.

Isn't she great?

All right, I'll show
you one more thing.

Come on, who sneezes that cute?
Ah-choo!

It's like a cartoon squirrel.

Oh, I could marry a girl
who sneezes like that.

I really feel good about this

and it's not just because
we're about to have sex.

I feel like we have this
amazing connection.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

When you were in the bathroom
before, someone called for you.

I wrote it down.

Who was it?

I don't know. Some Jew.

Yes, we had sex over
and over again,

and it was fantastic...

Something I'd like
to do more of.

But I couldn't get her
comment out of my head.

I forgot to tell you.

When you were in the bathroom
before, someone called for you.

I wrote it down.

Who was it?

I don't know. Some Jew.

I know... yikes, right?

Maybe I misunderstood her.

Maybe what she
really said was...

Some view.

Fondue?

Thumbscrew?

Ow.

Wow.

It could have been
a lot of things.

I needed more information.

So I came up with a foolproof
anti-Semitism test.

Would you like a
bagel, or perhaps

a Valden-riechen-
lebensraum-torte?

Oh, thanks.

She has chosen the time-honored
food of the Jewish people.

She's not a bigot.

Boy, those Jews are so cheap
they don't even give you

the middle of the bagel.

Oy.

Leslie, I got to tell you,

it bothers me when you
say stuff like that.

Oh, my God, you're
not Jewish, are you?

No, I just think it's wrong
to stereotype people.

Oh... I see what's
going on here.

You must have some Jewish
friends or something,

and you feel
self-conscious about it.

Wait a minute.

This is not my problem.

Andy, let's not argue.

We don't have to
like the same books,

the same music, the same races.

Can't we just agree to
disagree about this one thing?

No. People are just people.

And that's your opinion.

All I'm asking

is that you respect mine.

Oh, look,

we've just had our first fight!

I'm glad it was over
something small.

Now get over here
and let's make up.

But I can't just...

Wow, boobs.

Why do I keep having
sex with someone

whose views are so
very, very wrong?

I'll show you.

In this demonstration, this
man represents the penis

while this man
represents the brain.

And begin.

And there you have it.

Oh, hey, you want to
do something tonight?

Yes. Please, no dinner,
no conversation,

just take me straight to bed.

Boy, your life really is easy.

No, I mean I need
to get some sleep.

Jessica has dragged me out
four nights in a row.

She just won't stop. She's
like the Terminator,

except she's not from the future

and she likes to dance.

Oh, hey, honey, come here.

It's okay. You're safe.

It's just so awful.

Shh.

Hey, guys, I did it again.

Remember how good
I was yesterday?

Well, double that.

Now add six,
multiply it by five,

and the your original
number was 22.

Are you all right?

Oh, I won't lie to you.

I haven't gotten a lot of sleep
lately and I'm a little weird.

This is all my fault.

I never should have made you

come out with me
the other night.

No, no, no. It's working for me.

I feel more spontaneous
or something.

Like today, at the
Thursday meeting.

I'm sitting there like
I do every Thursday,

knowing that it's pointless,
but today I said something.

I said, "Guys, the Thursday
meeting is pointless"

and Miller totally
agreed with me.

Nick, who feels a
little threatened by me

started to say something,

but before he could
even get a word out,

I said, "Buddy, drink yourself
a glass of shut-up juice,

'cause we're done here!"

There was some applause

and we all took a Danish
and left, except me.

I took an ashtray.

And stuck to the bottom,

I believe this is your card...
The four of Clubs.

Thank you.

That's amazing.

You never picked a card.

Still, though, she's walking
around with an ashtray

with the four of Clubs
stuck to the bottom.

I mean, I feel terrible.

Leslie is a total bigot.

- Dump her.
- Let me finish.

And the most beautiful
woman I've ever been with.

Then keep her.

Maybe you could try to help her

to be more accepting of people.

That's good, too.

Well, I tried.

I told her about all the
great contributions

that Jewish people have
made to civilization...

You know, Einstein, Freud,
five of the six Three Stooges.

Shemp?

No matter what I said, though,

she wouldn't change her mind.

So we just kept having sex.

I hate myself. What should I do?

Dump her.

No, seriously, what should I do?

Andy, you know it's
wrong to stay with her.

So you may have to
go without sex,

but you can hold
your head up high

while you, you know, take
care of your own needs.

Gosh, that sounds like fun.

Andy, staying with
this woman is immoral,

and you have to do
the moral thing.

How about if I keep
having sex with Leslie

but I do a different moral
thing to make up for it.

I don't know.

That sounds kind of weird.

Byron and Keith
were exactly right.

I could keep dating Leslie

if I could just find a way
to balance the moral scales.

I want to help the
Jewish people.

We offer help to
all people here.

Right, right, but I specifically
want to help the Jewish ones.

And so I set out
to do good deeds

which would allow
me to do bad deeds

which, frankly, were more fun.

Hey!

All right, it wasn't like I
was leading the Israelites

to the promised land

but I did take a van
full of old ladies

to a taping of Oprah.

Here's the van keys.

How was the show?

A little slow.

The topic was "Angels."

Again with the angels?

Andrew, you have become a
very great friend to us.

We are very lucky to have you.

And the children...

The children are eagerly
awaiting your puppet show

tomorrow night.

Oh, I'm thinking of adapting

a classic fairy tale.

"Chumpty-Dumpty," he sits
on the Wailing Wall.

Very funny, professor.

Things were working out great.

I was helping others and
having fantastic sex.

Plus Mrs. Weinstein
taught me how to make

a fantastic, low-sodium kugel.

Leslie loved it,

although I had to call
it something else.

This Swiss noodle
salad is wonderful.

Isn't it?

Boy, those Swiss.

They're not neutral when
it comes to flavor.

Mmm!

Oh, hey, my boss gave me some
tickets to the circus tomorrow.

Please tell me you can go.

You know what? Tomorrow
night's not good for me.

I'll meet you back here
afterwards, though.

Oh, please, Andy, I
really want to go.

Seems like all we ever
do together is have sex.

She's on to me.

That's not true.

If you want to keep seeing me,

you're going to have to
make more of an effort.

Come on, Andy. Let's go
to the circus tomorrow

and then we'll come back here

and I'll really show you the
greatest show on earth.

I decided to blow off the kids'
the puppet show tomorrow night,

and go to the circus.

But first, I had to
fake internal struggle

to make myself feel better.

Hey, Wendy, you missed a
great party last night.

Jessica, do you have any
idea what time it is?

Your meeting started,
like, five minutes ago.

Big deal. I'll be a little late.

It adds to my mystique.

I can't believe
you're not exhausted.

Do you want some coffee?

Are you kidding? I feel great.

I've barely slept in
the last four days.

I have never been so alert.

Coffee should be drinking me.

And so if we amortize our
net-expected profits

against our
net-anticipated profits

then our gross income
will be twice as much...

I don't know. It
looks like hummus.

No, you're an idiot.

Wow, boobs.

If no one's going to show up,

I don't know why I'm
hanging around here.

Okay, this one is Samson
and this one is Delilah.

Now, you know the story.

But remember, in my version,
Delilah burps a lot

and Samson keeps
saying, "Whassup?!"

I don't know why, but
the kids love it.

Well, good luck.

Andrew, what are you doing?

Well, I can't stay,

so I showed Mort how
to work the puppets.

Mort? The man is an idiot.

He probably thought you were
handing him his grandchildren.

Andy, the kids were really
looking forward to this.

Well, I'm sorry, Arthur,

but something important came up.

Is everything all right, Andrew?

Do you need a ride?

Here, let me give you
the keys to the van.

That is so nice.

What am I doing?

I'm letting all these
good people down,

just so I can be with a
hate-spouting hottie.

I can't do this.

I have to go.

Leave me alone.

I made the right decision.

Going to the circus
with Leslie was fun,

except, sometimes, I think

clowns are the saddest
people in the world.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you'll turn your attention
to the center ring,

you'll see the amazing,
the mystifying...

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Andy, what's wrong?

Tragedy under the big top.

Nothing, uh... just...
just give me a second.

I couldn't go on.

The truth was

I just didn't find Leslie
attractive anymore.

This doesn't usually happen.

That's okay. We can just talk.

Actually, I can't
keep seeing you.

No, let me finish.

Leslie, the human spirit was
meant to soar on wings of love,

not crawl through the
muck of intolerance.

All people are beautiful...

A glorious rainbow
of colors and ideas;

a living stained-glass
window of diversity;

and because you don't see that,
we can never be together.

Here are your clothes

and a map of the fastest
way out of the building.

Okay, that's what I
wish I'd said...

But saying something like that
is really hard and scary,

so what I said was...

That's okay. We can just talk.

Actually, I just remembered

I got to drive my
cousin to the airport.

This may look like I'm running
away in my underwear,

but, actually, I'm doing
something very moral,

because after spending
the night out,

I never called Leslie again.

Oh, and two weeks later, I met
a really cute Jewish girl

at the community center.