Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003): Season 1, Episode 2 - Grief Counselor - full transcript

There's Wendy.

Even though she's going
out with my friend Keith

I really like her and so I
always try to impress her.

Morning, Andy.

Morning, Andy.

Morning, Andy.

Morning, Andy.

Or I could just say
something to impress her.

What's that horrible smell?

I mean, I'm not saying it's you.

Or me.



You know what, you're crazy.
I don't smell anything.

I'm going to take all that
as "Good morning, Wendy."

Thank you.

But seriously, what is that smell?
I don't know

maybe somebody left food
out over the weekend.

Uh-oh.

12:10... If it's someone's lunch

they should've eaten it by now.

Well, maybe my taking it will
teach them a valuable lesson.

Who stole my hoagie?!

Have you seen my hoagie?

No.

But to be fair, it is 12:10.

Whatever that smell is, I
hope they get it out of here.



Unless it is you or me

and then I hope they
give it a raise.

Yeah, boy, that's something.

Oh, gross.

You should tell everybody

so at least they stop
looking for the smell.

Oh, and by the way

we're all on to you
with that 12:10 thing.

We figured out where that
odor was coming from.

Apparently Charlie Reimer died
in his office Friday night.

Oh, my God.

How did he die?

Guys, it's all my fault.

I'll get some disinfectant
and clean it up.

It?

How can you say that?

What, it's just a pile of meat

that sat in a hot
office all weekend.

Geez.

♪ You never know just
what's around the bend ♪

♪ Where to go and
where you've been ♪

♪ Just see the world
through my eyes ♪

♪ And I think you'd
be surprised. ♪

So, Charlie Reimer spent
the whole weekend

dead in his office.

I didn't really know him, but
still, I felt a connection

since I once fell
asleep in my office

and didn't wake up
until Saturday.

Poor Charlie.

Poor Charlie? Poor me.

He was doing all my work.

Now I'm stuck with it.

A little compassion, Keith?

The man had a heart attack.

He died, and he sat there
alone for two days.

He wasn't alone.

According to the coroner

at some point, a
squirrel joined him.

The real tragedy is that
when he went to dial 911

he forgot to dial "9, 911."

I sent a memo.

I guess the good news is

the company is
slowly weeding out

people who don't read memos.

Oh, speaking of which...

What's this?

A memo.

Remember how important it is

to read them?

The company's making us
go to a grief counselor.

A grief counselor?

What if we're not sad?

It's mandatory.

They can dictate
our emotions now?

Let's just imagine for a moment
what that would look like.

Attention.

The following
emotions will be felt

by the following people:

Jenkins... bitter, Thompson...
hopeful

Richter... happy

Togler... disgruntled.

Damn! I always get disgruntled.

I'm sick of it.

They can't dictate our
emotions, but they can tell us

where to go, when to go
there, and how long to stay.

They always tell us where to go

when to go there, and
how long to stay.

I'm sick of it.

Andy, I need a favor.

I'm supposed to take

Wendy to this thing

where they show The
Sound of Music

and people come dressed up
in costume and sing along

and gay, gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay, gay...

Anyway, Charlie died,
dumped all my work on me

so... I can't go.

Will you take Wendy for me?

Oh, my God.

A date with Wendy and
The Sound of Music?

These are a few of
my favorite things.

♪ The... ♪

Yeah, all right, I'll take her.

But, uh, you owe me.

Okay. I'll be your
butler for two weeks.

Really? You're such a liar.

No, I will.

Really?

Don't ever lose that.

♪ There was a girl
whose name was Wendy ♪

♪ And Wendy was her name-o ♪

♪ W-E-N-D-Y, W-E-N-D-Y, W... ♪

I must be at a sing-a-long

because I'm following
the bouncing ball.

Nothing you can say can
put a damper on this day.

Wendy is not interested in you.

That's why Keith asked
you to take her.

You have as much
chance bedding her

as a water buffalo does a
beautiful young woman.

That the best you
got, creep show?

Face it, you are no threat.

♪ There was a little eunuch
boy, and Andy was his name-o ♪

♪ A-N... D-Y ♪

♪ A-N... D-Y ♪

♪ A-N... D-Y... ♪

The imaginary dead
guy was right.

What am I so excited about?

Nothing's going to happen.

The only play I'm getting today

is that kiss on the
cheek from Keith.

Jessica?

I've been thinking

about this whole grief
counseling thing.

I really don't want to go.

You have to.

The company's worried
about being held liable

in case one of us has
some insane reaction

to Charlie's death.

I think I may have killed him.

Yeah, something nutty like that.

I'm serious.

At lunch on Friday

he was complaining about
his low cholesterol diet.

So I gave him my bacon
chili cheese fries.

Then we had

a contest to see who could
do the most pushups...

and the prize was pie.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

With that kind of reasoning

you could blame anyone
for Charlie's death.

I mean...

right before he died

I threatened to fire him

because he missed
another deadline.

Really?

So, you killed Charlie?

Oh...

God. That is such a relief.

Wait a minute.

I was just trying
to make a point.

I didn't kill anybody.

Oh, no, no, of
course you didn't.

I didn't.

God, I feel so much better.

Now I'm actually looking
forward to therapy.

Well, you shouldn't feel better.

If they did an autopsy on him

they wouldn't find my
yelling in his veins.

They'd find your bacon chili
cheese fries of death.

You yelled at him?

With his blood pressure?

I did not kill Charlie.

Oh, Jessica.

Boy, grief counseling is great.

I mean, for once in
my life, I just...

I get to say all this
stuff without, you know

without worrying about the
person who's hearing it.

So, one time, my parents put a
live snake in my pillowcase.

Yeah, my dad said that if
I believed in God enough

that it wouldn't hurt me.

I guess I didn't believe enough.

♪ So long, farewell ♪

♪ Auf Wiedersehen, good night ♪

♪ I hate to go and leave
this pretty sight... ♪

Wow, even though Wendy
and I are just friends

tonight was actually
a lot of fun.

Thanks, Andy.

This was great.

Yeah, for me, too.

Well, except for when those
two guys dressed as Nazis

cut in front of us
in the beer line.

They had such an air
of superiority.

I don't know why
I stayed silent.

You have a really good voice.

And you're quite the
confident dancer.

Even when everyone was
yelling at you to sit down.

Well, I played Rolfe in our
high school production.

It was either that

or the drama teacher
was going to release

some modeling photos
that he took of me.

I'll see you tomorrow, Wendy.

♪ The sun has gone to
bed, and so must I ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Good night. ♪

Okay, what the hell was that?

You saw it.

That was a real kiss, right?

What am I supposed to do now?

Okay, that's ridiculous.

I mean, there's no way
I'd let her see me naked

in all this light.

But still, what did
that kiss mean?

Andy? Are you just
standing out there?

These are my neighbors,
Teak and Phil.

We were in the same
frat ten years apart.

They worship me.

Hey, Andy. Andy.

Hey, Teak and Phil.

It's pretty late.

Were you out lady-fying?

Lady-fying? That would mean

that I was trying to
turn myself into a lady.

Oh, I didn't mean that
you were trying...

No, I was simply pointing out

your misuse of your
own made-up word.

Are you all right?

You seem a little tweaked.

Oh, I went to this
Sound of Music

sing-a-long thing with somebody

who's supposed to
just be a friend

and things got really confusing.

Oh, man, it is so nice to hear

someone else talk about this.

I once had this confusing
dream about my friend Chuck.

We were both polishing these
huge cannons, and then...

Phil...

My date was with a woman.

Oh, I... I just remembered

my friend Chuck is also a woman.

Well, anyway, the problem is...

is this girl Wendy is
dating my buddy Keith

and she kissed me and I don't
know what it's supposed to mean.

Dude, it means she likes you.

If she didn't like you,

she'd slap you across the face...
hard.

Trust me.

Yeah. You're Andy.

Any girl would want to be with Andy.
Teak's right.

Of course she wants
to be with you.

Dude, next year,
there's going to be

a new TV show on called
Keith and Wendy.

What are you talking about?

On the History Channel.

Well, you didn't say that part.

Oh.

I got it.

Teak and Phil mean well,

but after a while, it's like
talking to a couple of bongs.

So, I needed a more
rational point of view.

What you should do is go for it.

Next year, there's going
to be a new show on TV

called Keith and Wendy
on the History Channel.

All right, what she really
said was slightly different.

I don't think you
should go for it.

It sounds like she gave
you a very innocent

thanks-for-a-lovely-evening
kiss.

Not a slappity-slappity-
boogity-boogity-boom kiss.

Well, how am I going to know,
if I don't try to find out?

'Cause I'm telling you.

Well, maybe you're just jealous
of my relationship with Wendy

and you're trying
to sabotage it.

I don't think that's
what happening.

You know why?

Because that's kind
of mentally ill.

Yeah.

But I'm going to
go for it anyway.

There she is.

Just be yourself.

Remember, you're Andy.

Hey, Wendy.

Hi are you?

I mean...

fine.

Perfect. Exactly as I planned.

You know, I was thinking
about last night...

Hi, guys.

And how it was kind of cold.

That was funny.

Sorry I couldn't make it
to the movie last night.

I appreciate you taking Wendy.

Sure there, Buckaroo.

"Buckaroo?" What
is wrong with me?

I've got to calm down.

I'm sorry, honey, I
can't make lunch today.

God, it's like I never
see you anymore.

I know.

It's Charlie, that
lazy dead guy.

I mean, aside from babies

is there anyone more
selfish than the dead?

I'll make it up to you.

Look at that.

Now that's a slappity-slappity-
boogity-boogity-boom kiss.

Let's compare it to my
candy-ass kiss with Wendy

that I thought was
such a big deal.

Jessica's right.

Wendy's not interested in me.

Look at those two,
still going at it.

Look at me... standing there

like some kind of
lady-fying hall doofus.

Go home! Go!

Jessica, um, I was wondering

if I could get another session
with that grief counselor.

Oh, sure.

Is it helping you overcome

your guilt about
killing Charlie?

Oh, um, I don't have any guilt

about killing Charlie

because I am not the one
who screamed at him

until his heart exploded.

Okay, look, he was always
missing deadlines.

I just pointed out that there
would be ramifications.

Andlo, there were.

I'm going to slug you,
I swear to God I am.

You know, Jessica,

maybe you should go see
the grief counselor.

She'll make you feel better.

Yeah... when I was in there,

I just completely
unburdened myself.

You know, and no
matter what I said,

that woman just absorbed
it and absorbed it

and absorbed it...

Hey, did you guys hear?

That grief counselor
killed herself.

What?

Isn't it awful?

Apparently she left a note

saying she just couldn't
take all the sadness.

There's been a lot of talk

about how hard Keith's
been working.

Let's see what that looks like,

since you'll never see it
again in your lifetime.

Of course, he does get
a little more support

from the company
than the rest of us.

All right, that isn't

what it really looks like.

This is what it really looks
like when Keith's working.

See? Not that interesting.

While Keith was working,

the rest of us went
to Charlie's funeral.

Okay, that's enough about
Keith and Charlie.

Check out Wendy.

She's even hot when she mourns.

Why do I keep doing this?

I have about as much chance
with her as Charlie has

of popping out of that
coffin and doing the hustle.

Thanks, Charlie. Useless.

Okay, you got me.

I admit it, I do feel bad.

I killed Charlie.

I'd say "Sorry, Charlie"

but it'd sound like I
was talking to a tuna.

Well, I killed the
grief counselor.

And I killed her with mypain.

Do you know what it's like to
kill someone with yourpain?

It hurts!

But she was a complete stranger.

Charlie what's-his-name was...
he was a friend.

I killed my friend.

I killed my best friend.

Oh, God...

Hey, guys...

I couldn't help but notice...

Uh, you're the only
people here crying.

We're murderers.

Really? Where was I?

Byron and I said
some stupid things

to Charlie and the
grief counselor

and now they're both dead.

So you guys can kill people

just by saying
something to them?

You know, it has to
be the right thing.

Well, still, I mean,
you must be gods.

Don't hurt me.

Be merciful. Don't smite
me with your words.

Are you making fun of us?

No, I really believe
you're all-powerful.

In fact, to prove it,

I'm going to build a temple out
of shrimp in your honor...

in my stomach.

That was mean.

Yeah.

It kind of made sense, though.

I guess...

it does seem pretty silly

to think that we could kill
someone with our words.

Yeah.

We don't affect
people like that.

We're powerless.

Just completely...
insignificant.

Meaningless specks in a
huge, oblivious void.

We are nothing.

You know what? I'm going
to go and mingle.

Hey, Andy... "Hi" are you?

I thought that could
be our thing.

I was kind of hoping our thing
would be sex, but, oh, well...

Hey, Wendy, so, uh, Keith
working late again?

Yeah, it's kind of
starting to become a drag

but this isn't about me.

This is Charlie's special day.

Mmm...

although, you know, he's...

so much in the
middle of everything

he probably can't even enjoy it.

Hey, do you want to get
out of here and...

get a drink?

Look! She touched me.

And she wants a
social lubricant.

What does this mean?

Well, I hope you like this wine.

It's a '97, an amusing bouquet;

a rich and vibrant aftertaste.

It's really a sassy
little bitch.

A perfect complement

to half a bag of cool
ranch taco chips.

Also a '97.

So...

So...

So, kind of an interesting thing

happened at work today...

An... interesting thing
happened after work, too.

Wow, I'm kissing Wendy.

This is incredible.

It's the same kind
of slappity-slappity

boogity-boogity-boomkiss

that she hadwith Keith.

Oh, no... Keith.

Stop it. Don't think about him!

Get back to the rumpety-pumpety

with Keith'sgirlfriend!

Wow.

Yeah.

Wendy, we can't do this.

I know.

Keith and I are
really good friends.

I like Keith.

It's just that we've been
spending a lot of time together

these past couple of days,
and this is great, too.

But just not... now.

No.

How about now?

Just kidding.

Well, it's getting late.
You should go.

Yeah.

I'll get you a cab.

You're one of the
good guys, Andy.

And a good kisser, too.

Thanks.

I practiced a lot on my dolls.

And so, Wendy went
back to Keith.

But for one moment,
she was with me.

And I didn't even have to
turn an old lady's head

into a diamond to get her.