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Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002–2003): Season 1, Episode 6 - Wedding - full transcript

The entire office spends a weekend in Wisconsin for Ramona from accounting's wedding. Byron is out to score with a bridesmaid while Andy just wants to write. Somehow they end up in bed together.

It's great being a writer.

Whenever things get boring,
I can go wherever I want.

Like right now, I'm hard
at work on the manual

for the Sawbridge amphibious
personnel vehicle

but in my imagination,
I'm a million miles away

on Planet Andy, where
everyone looks just like me.

Here you go, Andy.

Thanks, Andy.

Or instead of being
just boring old Andy

eating a piece of
dry wheat toast

in my writer's imagination

I'm eating raisin bread,
and I'm Stovepipe Tommy,

a delightful, cockney
porridge vendor.

Top of the day to you, Guv'nor!

Wheat bread into raisin toast
or sourdough into panini...

These are but a few
of the many breads

a writer has in his repertoire.

You and your precious flummery
about being a writer.

I am a writer.

Yes, we're all waiting
with bated breath

for your new novel
about porridge vendors

and all the different
breads they eat.

That was just an example.

I've written plenty of stuff.

I even sold a short story once.

And that makes you a writer?

I murdered a man
with an ax once.

By your liberal definition

I suppose that would
make me an ax murderer.

Well, yeah.

The imaginary dead
guy had a point.

I mean, how can I really
call myself a writer

when the last thing
I had published

was a magazine
article a year ago?

So, what do you think?

It's good.

A lot of stuff about
kitties in it.

Well, those are sort of the
parameters of the assignment.

That settled it.

I'd been totally blocked
in my writing lately,

so I decided to set aside
the entire weekend

to do nothing but write.

Hi, Andy.

Are you excited about
Ramona's wedding

this weekend?

Oh, no.

Ramona's some woman
from accounting

who's getting married
in Wisconsin.

I'd show you a picture of her

but I'm not even sure
what she looks like.

I'm pretty sure she's one
of these three women.

Her dad's the vice
president of something.

He might be one of these guys.

Don't worry, you don't
have to remember

any of these people.

I don't want to go out
of town this weekend.

Aw, come on, Andy. It'll be fun.

Wisconsin is the Badger State,
and you were just saying

the other day, how much
you needed a badger.

Badgers? I don't need
no stinking badgers.

It's from a movie.

No, I know.

So are you going to
go to the wedding?


I really do want to get
some writing done, though.

I really admire how you
work every weekend.

I'd love to read something
that you wrote.

Well, then you should
pick up a copy

of this week's People magazine.

Really? You got a
story published?

Well, actually, it's
just a letter I wrote

saying how much I admire
Naomi Judd's courage.

♪ You never know just
what's around the bend ♪

♪ Where to go and
where you've been ♪

♪ Just see the world
through my eyes ♪

♪ I think you'd be surprised. ♪

So, which one is Ramona? Is
she the one with the ears?

I think everyone who
works here has ears.

Hi, Andy.

Hi, Lorie.

So are you going to dance
with me this weekend, huh?

♪ Little dance, little dance ♪

♪ Little da-a-ance? ♪

Well, if you ask
me enough times.

I mean, Wisconsin is
the Badger State.

You are so weird.

Wisconsin is the
Dairy State, weirdo,

and I hear that cheese
is an aphrodisiac.

Lorie likes you.

Lorie likes everybody.

At the last Christmas party,

she "liked" Tim Stalin's brains
out on the Xerox machine.

Here's a photograph of
me in my underwear.

Hah! It's Ramona's
gift registry.

You've been served.

I have to get her
a present, too?

Hey, what if my gift
is not getting drunk

and hitting on her mom?

I'll split that with you.

Ooh, hey, Patrick.

Did you get that
photocopying done for me?

Whoa, what about
"Hello, Patrick.

"How are you, Patrick?

It's nice to see you, Patrick"?

See how everyone
likes to be treated

like a human being?

That's annoying, Patrick.

I needed those copies
yesterday, Patrick.

You want it when?

See, there's this
poster in the mailroom

and this one guy's
laughing, and he's saying

"You want it when?"

I should tape that on my cart.

Have you ever worked
in an office before?

See, I'm your boss,

so when I ask you
to do something...

Ooh, pulling rank.

Can you believe this?

Don't look at me.

Just 'cause we're both men,

doesn't mean I'm on your side.

Can you believe these two?

I don't like you, either.

All right.

What do you think?

You're gorgeous.

Hang on a second, Andy.

Keith, what do you think?

You look good. A
little too good.

It's pissing me off.


I want to look my
best for the women

at this wedding.

There's something about being
close to that big white dress

that makes unapproachable women

suddenly rethink
their standards.

Well, while you're wasting
your time chasing office tail,

I'll be in my room
with my laptop.

Why spend the weekend
downloading porn

when you can hook up
with the real thing?

I'm not bringing it
to download porn.

I'm bringing it to write.

Although, downloading porn is
sometimes part of my process.

Byron, you should think

about that warning
Jessica gave us.

Warning? Oh, yeah.

Never ride alone in an elevator

with Bob Sloane.

He's grabby.

And then he cries and wants
you to pray with him.

Not that warning.

What she said about going
out of town this weekend.

And don't be looking for
any coworker whoop-de-doo.

Having sex with
someone you work with

always ends up a huge disaster.

Jessica's right.

I've had some pretty bad
experiences along those lines.

Oh, hey, Consuelo,
how's it going?

Oh, my God, my eyes!

All right, I'm sorry
I didn't call!

Okay, maybe it didn't
happen exactly like that,

but words can sting just
as much as window cleaner.

These affairs can
get pretty messy.

Just think about that.

I'm out of here.

Wait a minute, Keith.

You're dating Wendy, and
she works at the office.

That's going okay.

Hmm, that is kind of weird.

Still, probably not a good
idea for you guys, though.

We all took the train
up to Wisconsin.

While everybody else had
sex on their minds,

Keith and Wendy had
sex on the train.

I know you're thinking this
is some tasteless metaphor

but I swear this
really happened.

The engineer was scared
of this particular tunnel

and kept losing his nerve.

When we got to our hotel,

I end up sharing a room
with Byron, which was fine,

pretty much like
being at the office.

Maybe a little different.

I tried to throw myself
into my writing,

but unfortunately I was
drawing a complete blank.

Hey, want to go down early

and check out the bridesmaids?

No, I want to try and get
something started here first.

Besides, it's not a good idea

to sleep with your
coworkers, remember?

I hear that's what
broke up the Osmonds.

I stopped by Jessica's room
on my way to the wedding.

She'd be proud of me.

I didn't get much writing done

but at least I
didn't waste the day

getting all ha-cha-cha
over some coworker.

Hey, Andy.

Isn't this Jessica's room?

Yeah, she's a little
busy right now.

What do you need?

I'm here! I'm not busy!

Get out of the way.


No, it's fine. You know,
do whatever you want.

I'm not going to judge
you, you hypocrite.

I don't know what happened.

He brought some files
up from the office

and the next thing I knew,
I was all over him.

Yeah, but you're management.

Don't you guys have seminars

about how to keep
it in your pants?

Oh, my God, I just
figured it out.

He looks just like my
first boyfriend Kyle.

Look, this was just a
huge, terrible mistake,

and it will never happen again.

All right, what's
up with you two?

Hey, Richter, don't
get any bright ideas.

I already planted my
flag on this mountain.

Just stop talking, Patrick.

Oh, you're so hot.

You coming?

Okay, this all counts
as the same mistake.

Wasn't that a lovely wedding?

And you are a really
good dancer, Andy.

Well, you know, the
Hokey-Pokey is easy.

The steps are in the lyrics.

Well, thanks for walking
me back to my room, Lorie.

This is me.

And that's you.

Yes, it is.

Well, good night.

And you, too.

God, that Lorie.

You struck out with
her, too, huh?

She'll sleep with anybody.

I mean, nobody.

This is nice.

Yeah, we should drink
more at the office.

At least then I'd have an
excuse for my mood swings.

You don't seem like
you have mood swings.

Why don't you shut the hell up?

I'm sorry.


This wedding has been a
huge disappointment.

I got a new suit, new haircut,

did a whole bunch of
stomach crunches...

Once again, I sleep alone.

You know what?

Women are a big distraction.

I say we're better
off without 'em.

The pope has the right idea.

Cool pad, comfortable clothes,
no bossy women around

to question his infallibility.

Yeah. You know who else?

The pope.

Okay, now see, that's
where we disagree.

Me, too.

What are you doing in my bed?

This is my bed.

What am I doing in your bed?

I don't know.

What are you doing in my bed?

I don't know.

Why haven't you gotten out yet?

I don't know!

The rest of the weekend
was pretty ordinary.

We all took the train back.

I snagged a really
nice centerpiece.

Keith and Wendy
decided to rent a car

and drive back from the wedding.

This also really happened.

They couldn't decide

whether to go out to a
restaurant or eat in.

And Jessica made a new friend.


Damn it.

Go away.


I likey-like.

I'll be in the supply closet.

This still counts as
the same mistake.

And Byron?

He finally found himself
a Connecticut quarter.


All in all, a pretty
uneventful trip.

Just a moment, writer boy.

You've glossed over the
best part of your story...

Where you threaded your odd
little friend like a needle.

I did not thread my
odd little friend.

Oh, so he was the bull
and you were the heifer.

Nothing happened,
you sick old perv.

So what... I woke
up in Byron's bed

and neither of us
knew how I got there.

Although it was a little
awkward the next morning.

I'm just going to, uh...

change in there.

I mean, we all know

I wouldn't climb into
Byron's bed on purpose.

Somehow I must have
been put there.

Maybe a super-intelligent

but sloppy-on-the-details
race of aliens

abducted me, probed me

then returned me
to the wrong bed.

Or maybe I was the
victim of a weird prank

by an especially mischievous
gang of fun-loving homosexuals.

I don't know how it happened

but I'm not gay.

Is that right, Fifi?

You've never shown any
signs of homosexuality?


Never, Gertrude?

I don't think so.

You know what, women
are a big distraction.

I say we're better
off without them.

What do you think?

You're gorgeous.


That last part did not happen.


I have been going
over and over it,

and I still can't figure out

how I ended up in Byron's bed.

Maybe you're gay.

Wouldn't I know that?

Maybe you're in denial.

Wouldn't I know that?

If you knew, it
wouldn't be denial.

Maybe you're gay.

Are you hitting on me?

No. At least, I don't think so.

I don't know.

Listen, Andy,

if I were you, I'd
keep an open mind.

I've never been
with another man,

but it sounds like a
pretty sweet deal.

I mean, guys agree
on all the basics.

That's true.

Oh, man, is there anything
better than football?


Well, it's halftime.

You want to have sex?

Sure. Anything's better

than watching those

Hold the phone.

Okay, I'm definitely not gay.

I just want you to
know I'm your friend

so I'll respect you
whichever way you choose.

Well, thanks, but you know,
it's really not a choice.

Oh, geez, don't get
all militant on me.

You've only been
gay, like, an hour.


Good morning.

Yeah, hi.

Look, um, I am really sorry

if something that I
did the other night

gave you the impression

that I was trying to entice you.

The suit, the new haircut.

I was putting it out
there pretty good.

Byron, stop.


let me finish.

I was up all night
rehearsing this.

Um, I am really flattered

by what happened.

You're a great guy,

and I really love
you as a friend.

A friend.


Byron likes the ladies, so...

I am not attracted to you.

I see.

That's the way we're
going to play this.

Okay, fine.

I wasn't coming on to
you the other night.

Yeah, whatever.

Byron, look.

Even if I was gay, I
wouldn't be with you.

You're a tiny, jumpy little man

and frankly, I could
do a lot better.

See, now you're
just being hurtful.

Here's the Sawbridge
assembly protocol.

What's going on
with you and Byron?

I heard you slept with him

and then told him you
could do better.

First of all, I could do better.

No, wait, first of
all, I am not gay.

Secondly, I can't
believe he told you.

I warned you about getting
involved with a coworker.

I am not involved, and besides

I'm not the one who's draining
the toner out of the copyboy.

Okay, first of all, he's
not just a copyboy.

He practically runs
that mailroom.

And secondly... I so
need to dump him.

Hey, Andy, did you hear?

Charles on the fifth floor

just broke up with
his boyfriend.

He's pretty cute,
Andy, and he bakes.

Does everyone know that
Byron and I slept together?

You and Byron slept together?

I just heard that you
were gay, but Byron?

Okay, this had gone far enough.

I could not give the
women of Chicago

yet another reason not
to sleep with me.

I needed to do something fast.

You know what I'd really like?

If you'd talk about this.

Sure. Oh, Andy, you're so hot...

No, no, no.

I mean talk about it later

with people at the office.


You are so weird.

You know what I'd
really like, weirdo?

Please let it be
watching me sleep.

Lorie wants to snuggle
with her big, strong Andy.

Snuggling and baby talk.

I bet Byron wouldn't
make me do this.

You got it.


Perfect. Lorie will now
tell the whole office

how I satisfied her,

and everyone will know

I'm as straight as a
Broadway kick-line.

Well, you know what I mean.

Wait a second.

That's it!

That's got to be what happened!

It's exactly nine steps
from my toilet to my bed.

At the hotel, I must
have gone to the can

in the middle of the night

and then, half asleep
and a little drunk

I walked the same
distance to the bed

that I do when I'm at home.

And that is how I ended
up in bed with Byron,

which proves conclusively
that I am not gay.

Andy, we don't care.

Yeah, whatever.

Either way.

No, not either way.
Just the one way.

Well, Andy, you certainly went
to an awful lot of trouble

to prove to the world

just how undesirable
you find me.

Hey, sweet Jessi-candy.


Andy, go after him.

He's upset.

Men are so high-maintenance.

So, uh...

I'm dumping you.


You're not dumping me.

I'm dumping you.

I'm sorry, Patrick,
it's not working out.

It's not you, it's me.

I hope we can still be friends.

I knew this would get weird.

See, I always tell people
"Don't date your coworkers."

You don't always
tell people that.

I always tell people that.

Whatever, as long as we're done.

No, not "whatever"

and we're not done until
I say we're done.

And... now we're done.

Damn it.


I'm sorry about what
I said earlier.

I didn't mean it.

I think you're very attractive.

You don't have to say that.

No, it's true.



I feel like I should
work out more.

Oh, come on, are you kidding?

You've got a great little body.

I mean, if I were gay,

you would be the first
person I'd call.

And so, Byron and I were okay,

and I finally found
something to write about.

So, what do you guys think?

It's good.

It's a little gay.

Only a little?

No, it's very gay.

Thank you.

My uncle called to tell
me how much he liked it.

I had no idea.

So, where do things stand
with you and Lorie?

Things are fine.

Yeah, they're really good.

Hi, Keith. Hi, Wendy.

Hi. Hey.

A little game we've got.

I hide, and she
hopefully forgets

the whole thing ever happened.