An Idiot Abroad (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 8 - Karl Comes Home - full transcript
The seven wonders of the world.
Christ the redeemer
the Taj Mahal
the great pyramids.
Truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who
sees them differently.
If I build her that she'll be
going "what's been going on?".
Karl Pilkington.
- Close your mouth.
- I don't know the politically
correct term. Moron.
I think he is a round, empty-headed
chimp-like moron, buffoon idiot.
- Is that normal?
- And he's a friend!
He's a typical englander and he doesn't
like going out of his comfort zone.
Bollocks are squashed.
I just think it would be amazing
to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him
experience other cultures,
other peoples and see if in any way we
can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute
of it for my own amusement.
The lights are changing. Lights, lights!
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a
corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick, and now I have
the might of sky behind me.
Shit!
This is one of the funniest most
expensive practical jokes I've ever done
and it's going to be great.
Just let me go home. Jesus Christ!
Karl. We're sending you to
see Christ the redeemer.
Magnificent religious symbol that towers
down over Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.
What's your first thoughts of it?
Look how big that statue is.
I just think of the
people who live in Rio,
right, they've got that there every day
when they leave the house, they see it.
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's there again.
Sick of seeing it.
It's like a pylon to them.
You get sick of it.
It's a good place to meet.
You know, you can see it from everywhere.
I don't think it was built as a
rendezvous point, to be fair.
I think it has also something to do with
the spirituality of the country but...
It's not just that you'll be seeing.
You'll be experiencing Brazil as well.
A magnificent country.
You know the carnivale is
gonna be on when you're there.
Oh, gays, isn't it?
Is... does that...
Do you feel like you have to be part of
that to enjoy it or do you feel left out?
- I'm stunned.
- Well...
I don't... he's so confused
because I don't think
Rio carnivale is known
specifically for its gay fans.
There are... there are a lot of men
with tans and opposing pouches.
Listen, if you want to see a guy in
a Speedo and there's nothing else
this is the place to go Karl,
if that's what you...
That's what I mean.
I'm not really into that.
- Can we make a note to make sure...?
- Can we, can we...?
Will you please at least
get in the spirit?
I'm not doing anything that I
wouldn't normally do on holiday.
When you're on the beach
you're in trunks, aren't you?
No, I don't. I just wear shorts.
So, how short?
How short... what's the shortest
shorts you'd be willing to wear?
- Would you wear hot pants?
- No there's no need for that.
There's no need. No need
to wear trunks like that.
No, I'm not doing anything
for the cameras. I'm not...
Red braces?
I'm just going to go.
I'm going to go look at this.
That's all I'm doing. I don't need to
go to the gay parade. There's no need.
- It's not a gay parade.
- It's not a gay parade.
Alright, enjoy it.
This is the hottest I've
ever experienced this.
Absolutely... I don't know
if you can see that. Ringy.
Is that the Jesus thing on the ***?
Do you see alright, on the hill?
Yeah, that's the Jesus thing.
Not as big as I thought it would be.
What do you think of this?
This is copacabana beach.
It's alright, isn't it?
I mean, I don't know I didn't come
for that. I meant to be looking
at the Jesus thing, but...
This makes the Jesus
thing better, doesn't it?
That's like a nice little added extra.
You're on the beach, have a look up.
There it is. There's
that thing that's in the films.
Alright. Going swimming again.
Still hot.
I mean, is it normal
to have sweaty ears?
I've never had a sweaty ear in my life.
I'm not even doing
anything and they're hot.
I've just got to get to
the place that Ricky and
Steve have sorted out
for me to stay at.
I don't know anything
about it other than
they said that it was a
good place to meet people.
I don't know what that means.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Karl.
- Welcome to pirates of Ipanema.
- So this is your cafe, isn't it?
- Yeah. Let's go man.
This is the kitchen.
And when you cook anything,
you try to keep clean the area, ok?
Don't tell me that. Tell the
last fella who came here...
This normally, it's a place for a pool
table, but in carnivale man, stay crazy.
With a 100 persons inside of the house, ok?
And the people sleep in their mattress...
There's going to be a
hundred people in there?
Yeah, people sleep there man.
Pay more cheaper but sleep there.
Cause it's crazy.
And this is your dorm.
You stay here.
Close off the window.
How much is it here? How much is it
normally to stay here for a night?
Four pound point five.
Have you got anything for about six
quid? Just a little bit better?
Anything for just a little bit.
Just a little bit. Just...
Around six or seven pounds?
No, man, no. We don't have.
All right.
He's rough in here. Then is roughing it.
This isn't proper roughing it.
This is just scruffy bastards.
All right, just eh...
Four quid. I think it's overpriced.
Ricky and Steve thought you needed
to socialize with other people,
- so that's why they put you...
- I'm not socializing.
I don't do that.
I'm just not that sort of person.
And I'm old in the age now.
You know, I've got no friends.
I've always said you only need seven
mates to get you through life, that's it,
that's why... you know, I've mentioned
snow white with the midgets.
She had them all covered in seven.
Same thing again with friends.
I just found out that
the Rio carnivale is on
which is a big dance thing that
they do every year in Brazil.
Ricky and Steve are
probably aware of this.
That's why they sent me here
at this time of year, you know,
because they know I don't like crowds,
they know I don't like parties.
So to them this is hilarious.
They sorted out a local fellow who's
gonna teach me how to do the samba.
He's gonna pick me up on his motorbike.
Bloody hell.
We are preparing you to
this big parade, okay?
- So first of all we should...
- Oh, hang on...
What do you mean?
We are going to parade
with this big samba.
- I'm going to be doing it in front of...
- Thousands of people, camera
and everything else.
It's going to be quite a
performance, like that...
Okay. You... there, here.
♪ Cha-cha cha-cha ♪
Front back, cha-cha, cha.
No, no, no, no.
Is it no area where you just get a
load of people who aren't very good.
But you let them take part because
there's simple. Just put me with them
I'm pushing you to the higher level.
That's what you're going to wear.
And this your head dress.
You're just going to
look lovely in this.
Just perfect.
Is everyone going to be wearing this?
Everyone is going to be like that.
Not ready for this, am I?
I mean, this is like their world cup final,
isn't it? And you wouldn't say...
Oh, Karl likes a game. Stick him in goal.
They shouldn't have me anywhere near it.
What do you think?
Andy Pandy on crack.
I'm in Rio, right? I meant to
be seeing Christ the redeemer.
So what am I doing dressed up like
a clown taking part in a carnivale?
I mean, why am I to get all this?
Look at this.
It's not a good sign, is it?
I've got shit on it and
the thing is coming off.
I'm sure one day I'll look back at
this and go, I was in a carnivale.
But it's just not me now.
I'm sort of thinking,
I'm in the carnivale now.
What am I doing here?
♪
I mean when he said, you know, we're going
to a samba room, I pictured something...
Just something better than this,
really. I mean, what is this?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Just like a trade in a state, isn't it?
With a bit of a kitchen liner on
the road for people to dance down.
People sat either side on the chairs.
I mean it's...
It's nothing special, is it?
As our float starts, I think it's
three or four floats that way.
So really I couldn't
be any further back.
I mean, it's almost like being at
the back of the London marathon.
By the time I go over the end
line people are at home in bed.
I I might as well be dressed as a rhino.
I feel like that.
I mean I'm next to like a
couple of old women now.
You know, I can't ask for more really.
I'm right at the back.
I'm with some 70-year-olds.
If I can't look good in this,
I shouldn't be here.
♪
Oh, I'm knackered man, I'm knackered.
My feet hurt.
Oh, I got blister.
Bloody hell.
I don't know if she's in the carnivale or
just here to earn some quids at this time of night.
I have no idea.
I mean if I've got blister on my feet,
I dread to think what her ars is like.
Oh, fucking hell.
♪
Are you going to go for a walk?
Ah, forget it. Not worth it, is it?
You've seen the mattress.
Not worth it.
You've seen the toilets.
You see equivalent of Romanians
cleaning the wind screen.
They don't do a good job
cause they can't.
They got some dirty water
and a dirty sponge.
Same is in there.
But, ehm... like I say,
I'm not going to sleep anyway tonight.
♪
Don't you want to go down and
have a drink and have the party.
No, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
I could be some of their dads.
A bit like your dad going to a
party that you're having and stuff.
I mean I'm hoping that they
kind of think I am old.
At least when they come
back up here later,
they might be quiet,
don't wake him up, he's old.
I'll be happier in an old people zone.
Seriously.
They'd all be in bed now.
Did you sleep?
What a bollocks.
Can you sleep in this?
I can't do this.
Seriously, I can't do it.
I'm *** Ricky and Steve sort of do this.
Cause that isn't what it's about.
Cause I'll tell you what.
They wouldn't do it.
Ricky and Steve wouldn't be doing it.
You know what I mean?
There's no way Steve could hack it here.
He goes home to his mum and
dad's when he's got a cold.
You know that?
♪♪♪♪♪Right my hard ass♪♪♪♪♪♪
it's not the first time I've
seen that since I've been here.
I don't really get the impression
it's that religious to be honest.
I suppose with... a lot of
religious people it's...
It's about covering up, isn't it,
and being quiet...
you know, not being sexy.
Where is here? You feel like
you've been out with some of the woman
you've seen that much of them.
You know, everything's
on show, isn't it?
There's nothing left to
the imagination here.
I mean, look at him. No shame.
Just naked out for a loaf.
When I go to bed I'm normally
wearing more than that,
just in case something
happens in the night.
A fire alarm goes off or something,
you got to leave the house.
I'm here in Brazil to see Christ the
redeemer, right? The wonder of the world.
The reason why I'm meant to be here
and yet Ricky and Steve are saying
don't be worrying about that.
We got some other plans for you.
You know, get down to the beach
and meet this local fellow.
He's name is Salso, you know,
he's going to show you around the place.
- It's you.
- Yeah.
- I'm Salso, how are you?
- Salso.
- Nice to meeting you.
- How are you doing?
- I'm very well, thank you.
- Well, sit down.
No, I don't want to sit down.
I just want to give you something that the
first contact we always have to wear it.
Condoms.
I've never had that as a gift, or at a
first meeting before. A little bit forward.
Yeah.
Sit down.
Tell me what's going on.
You will see in a minute.
Why is there no other men in here?
Why is there no other men?
There's a woman looking
at me in a funny way.
They have a woman here but they have
a lot of men that come here too.
You have known me for a bit.
Would I be happy with this.
Wait.
Well, you know those guys that do surf.
They wax here.
Would you like to try?
Not really.
Do I seem like the sort of block
who has a wax. I'm like an ape.
Well, you look nice to have a wax.
It's going to work. A lot.
Yeah but... my girlfriend
likes it. She likes that.
- Does she?
- Yeah, she loves it.
She loves the hairy bit.
I can get out while you
get undress if you want.
No, no.
Why don't you try even on
your arms a little bit?
I feel much better without the hair.
Yeah.
Well, that bit you're having down there,
I wouldn't mind getting that done
cause sometimes I have
to tuck it in my pants.
That's a sign it's a bit too long, isn't
it, when you have to start tucking it in.
Uh Jesus, it's hot.
Relax. If you don't relax,
you won't enjoy it.
Oh, Jesus. That's bad bad.
That is bad. She took a bit there.
Just a little bit.
Just to see if it's ready.
Ah, Jesus!
Is he bleeding?
There's two other parts.
If I left it, it would look stupid?
Oh, it's not good.
It seems that you have something here.
She shouldn't be laughing, to be honest.
Oh, you look so clean.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You look nice, really nice.
I suppose it's good for me to meet
different kinds of people, isn't it?
You know, there's no point having
mates who are all the same.
Let's see some bum bum.
Something for the beach.
- What do you think?
- I... I don't think this is necessary.
I mean, salso is different
to my other mates.
He'd be like a new addition.
Would you like to see
some of this over there?
To see which one fits on you?
No honestly, I don't want a pair.
You see, there's nothing
wrong with these.
Do you know what I mean?
That's all you need.
I don't know if I'm seeing the
real Brazil, to be honest.
No, I just mean in terms
of what I've been up to.
♪
Here I am.
How do I look?
No. Well, he... he bought me some.
Yeah, it's not... it's madness.
I don't understand why you
need that much of a tan.
When I get home I won't be saying: "Look
at the core of me, weeping my ars out".
Just the face.
You're feeling hot, aren't you?
Well, I'm not used to this.
My feet are killing me.
How about the thing that
I bought you yesterday?
Don't you feel comfortable now
that it's so hot to wear it?
Because I'm going to wear mine.
- I'm already wearing it.
- No, they would see my ars
and they'd be looking at it
and going "oh, look at the state of him".
Nobody is going to look at you.
They are, they are.
I have to tell you a story
about this part of the beach.
On the '70s all the artists
used to come here
to smoke marijuana
and do this kind of stuff.
And then since then, this part of the beach
become a very famous and a gay beach too.
And I would like to sit
down because I'm tired.
We've been walking Miles.
Just keep going
- for another couple of minutes.
- Oh, I'm so tired.
- I would like to sit down.
- Come on.
I mean, it's good seeing this
but... let's keep walking.
Bloody hell... another two
minutes and we'll be out of it.
- Come on.
- We can but I would like to sit down.
Don't worry about it.
It's a beach like any other beach.
Yeah but it's... honestly, do you know
what I'm talking about, being closed in.
I love this weather.
- Yeah, I'm not enjoying...
- This wind, so delicious.
No, there's a chair for us to sit down.
I need a chair.
Delicious.
Massive beach, but so air. Lovely.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I have to take
my shirt off because it's too hot.
- Are you gay or...
- What do you think?
- It's hard to tell.
- Mmh?
It's hard to tell.
There is a friend of mine.
- Hello.
- Hi, how are you doing?
Yeah, marcelo.
- Marcelo, I'm Karl.
- Nice to meet you, hi Karl.
- How you doin'?
- Welcome to Rio.
- You're happy.
- But look, you're frying over there.
No, I'm fine.
Cause I've got... I've got a few...
I've got protection. No, honestly.
It's like, please your ego.
You have novelty value.
You're so whity and you get pinky.
It's a lovely colour.
Like really really lovely.
Different from everyone else.
People like the difference.
So why do you have to hide your beauty?
I just... I keep it for my girlfriend.
- A girlfriend?
- Yeah, yeah.
Why do you mean the others?
What others?
Why do you mean the rest of humanity?
You just need to be looked at.
This is what the beach is all about.
That's why I don't come here that much.
I don't like to be looked at.
I just thought...
Let's go for a quiet walk.
- I'd love a quiet walk.
- Really?
Look at this.
I'm going to have some massage and
I would like you guys to join me.
No, I watch. I don't need one.
Ok. Thank you.
I'll tell you what. He should have had
his ass done yesterday, shouldn't he?
He had his back and his front,
look at that, over there.
You know, to think that earlier on I
was asking whether he's gay or not.
I feel a bit daft now.
I don't want to moan,
do you know what I mean?
I know I'm quite lucky
to do what I'm doing.
But I thought the idea was that Ricky
and Steve wanted me to broaden my mind.
That's what this is all about but...
Being in that carnivale yesterday
that hadn't broaden my mind, did it?
That just knackered my legs up.
You know, I'm here to see Christ the
redeemer, the wonder of the world.
Why can't I just see that and go home?
But now they're calling up and saying "why
don't you go and see a block party?".
Just seem they have a party
for any occasion really.
It doesn't have to be
a birthday, it's just...
It's a Wednesday. It's a get together.
So, yeah, that's what a block party is,
just going along with hundreds of people.
You know I don't like to be in crowds
but apparently you get quite busy.
The closest thing I've probably done
to this block party is when
I was a kid and there was the queen of ***,
and like, you know,
people turned up on the street.
You brought your own food.
Everyone had a good time and went home.
I didn't enjoy that.
I remember my mom being annoyed
that scruffy son returned
up and upload the trifle.
You didn't bring anything.
It's basically a big queue with
someone playing some music.
Except I don't know
what I'm queueing for.
*** some silly wigs and stuff.
Maybe I'm miserable.
Maybe I'm the only one here
who isn't enjoying it.
But... if I'm not enjoying it,
I shouldn't be here.
I know this isn't for me.
My ears just haven't stop
since I've been here.
I get off the plane they were sweating.
I've never had sweaty ears. And since then
been overworked with constant, you know,
drums, singing, whistles,
chanting, dogs, helicopters.
- Gays.
- Want a massage for your ego?
Gays wouldn't normally be on that list,
but the one I'm with
just didn't want to shut up.
Great place to live if you're deaf.
That what I'd say about Rio.
Lovely and relaxing... if you're deaf.
Oh, I left that in the end. ***
yeah... it was ridicoulous. I mean, I'm
not that fussy and that, but it was mingy.
There was underpants hanging on the end
of my bed and it weren't even mine.
But... what's the point
of this seriously?
Isn't that a gay term, that? I've heard
that's a gay term, for bomb and bollocks.
I mean... I'm not that bothered. I mean, I know
his house is going to be
nicer than were I am now.
But what am I going to do with him?
Can we just have a game of cards or...?
So glad you decided to stay.
How are you? Come in.
Here in Brazil we have a tradition.
When a friend or someone
come to your place,
this person have
to sleep on your bed.
There's this tradition.
When you receive a friend...
I never heard of this tradition.
Yeah, but this is Brazil.
This is here in Brazil.
Sleep in your bed?
- Yeah.
- I don't want to do that.
But that's... that's the tradition.
Yeah, but I don't know about the
traditions. Just keep it to yourself.
That's what I'm telling you.
That's the way to say that
you're welcome to my place.
This is a lot of *** you're keeping.
Yeah.
And that's where I sleep.
So where are you going to go?
I have to work.
I'll be back late tonight.
When Steve said go and stay I
did expect something different.
I thought it would be a bigger place.
I mean, I hate anything
that's overcrowded.
I can't even think straight.
I mean, for me, popping that or there...
Pop it in the bin. It's just like that, ***
that seems to be his thing in life.
If it's old pop something in it.
That has nothing to do with
anything but... this is mental.
I think it's a tradition that you
should do if you got the room for it.
I don't even like this. I'm just
having it 'cause again I feel guilty.
I'm just doing all stuff to please
a fella who I don't even know.
He doesn't even tell me
why he does that stuff.
Oh, Jesus. What's that?
Here I am.
How are you?
May I sit down?
- Sit down, yeah.
- Excuse me.
Ah, I'm ready to go to job.
This is the last thing
you should know about me.
I'm a female impersonator.
Close your mouth.
As a female impersonator my
name is Lorena Washington.
Why so surprised?
It's just weird. It's weird...
The way I behave, you know...
- I don't...
- No, no.
No, just sort of looking at your hair
and the voice coming out that I know.
Oh yeah?
But... it's like you've had...
Sort of changed the head.
Changed the head.
It's a little bit freaky.
Oh, okay.
Be yourself comfortable.
Be at home. Your home. I'm leaving.
Bye, have a nice night.
I'll see you when you get back.
Is it normal this brazilian tradition
of making everyone feel welcome?
Does that still count when you say I
want you to stay but I'm going out?
I don't see how that counts.
I don't know what's going on out there.
Things like that freak me out.
I wake up in the night with that laughing
at me or something... like Chucky.
I've been in the toilet and
there's a couple of cockroaches.
I know we're Brazil where they're
everywhere, but I don't like them.
I can't see them now.
Don't worry about it.
So he's got two fridges to put place in.
I'm cooking, I'm cooking.
I need the garlic. Where's the garlic?
Is it in that one? That one? No, it's not.
It's down here with
the cockroach next to it.
Look at that down there.
I've heard that cockroaches are like the
thoughest thing that's in the planet.
They say like if there's a nuclear bomb.
They'll... they'll carry on living.
Yet in Salso's kitchen, dead.
It's a bit rude, isn't it, sort of
looking at his house whilst is out.
Well, then again,
he shouldn't be out, should he?
It's his house...
I've said it all there.
It's his house and he's not here.
I don't think we should stay.
Please leave a message and
we will return your call.
Hi, salso, it's Karl.
Uh, we haven't got your cell phone number
so I had to call you at your home number.
Even though we're still here, but we're
about to leave 'cause this is too noisy.
I hope your Friday night was good.
Thanks for having me around.
Honestly, I don't know
why he invited me around.
Cause it's a bit weird, didn't it, that
he gets me around and then he goes out.
The only thing I can think of is, you know,
he lives in quite a rough neighborhood
and he's thinking "oh,
I've got Karl around", you know.
"He can be a bit of security."
It's all I can think of.
I just want to go to a quiet beach
really, get away from it all.
Because it's wearing me out.
It's just have been a full week,
with the carnivale and then the block party
and that late night at Salso's and
stuff. Do you know what I mean?
There's been nothing relaxing about it.
It's not holiday. I thought it was.
That's why I took the job on to be honest.
But, eh... it's a good beach.
The sea is a bit active.
I wouldn't get in there.
Yeah, it would nice.
It's nice enough.
I worry that, you know, if there's more
people turning up it's not that big.
And I don't want to be
here if it's crowded.
Oh, for fuck sake.
Oh, fucking hell.
I can never enjoy anything, can I?
Is that the plan to never let
me just have a normal nice day?
- You've always got a...
- What do you mean?
Well, it's obviously some
nudist beach, isn't it?
You know, I didn't put trunks on, did I?
I'm not going to walk around
with my cock and bollocks out.
It's not even that hot yet.
He's kept his t-shirt on.
But his pants...
little bit hot down there.
Got to whip them off.
A little bending over now for a...
I've never seen anyone
bend over so much as him.
Bloody hell.
- How are you doing?
- I'm all right, yeah.
Not bad.
Okay. But here in this beach you
have to remove your clothes.
Isn't that naturist beach.
What, if I want to stay here
I have to take them off?
Yeah.
- These are the rules.
- Yeah, it's the rules of this beach.
The one that's quite interesting is...
If a male beach goer gets a bit,
sort of excited,
go into the sea, it says,
until he calms down.
But that's embarrassing because
that means everyone knows what's
happening, if you suddenly just run into
the sea and stand there, looking around.
I wonder if these
two women there, it's their
job to be there so
it doesn't happen that much.
It's like a little, you know...
A safety thing to stop it happening.
I haven't seen one fellow run
in there and then look worried.
I've just been going down the beach.
Well, I haven't finished.
It was a nudist beach.
So that's... that's good, isn't it?
You know, I didn't like it.
I was felt a bit uncomfortable there.
An old people stuff is...
Because they're doing it all the time.
It was all like leather. It's not about
being nude and being free and that.
They just don't like wearing pants.
That's the end of it.
They're pants haters.
Yeah, I saw that... at the
carnivale there was an ars on show.
It's not... sky 1 know me,
put that sort of shy ***
so, you know...
I'm going up to the mountain today
to see the Christ the redeemer.
Which is a little bit weird
that they've stuck
it so high up on
a mountain out of the way.
It's almost like the Locas
don't want people to see it.
I mean, on a cloudy day
you can't... it's weird.
Ehm... so anyway I'm just
going up and have a look.
Steve sorted out a woman
to give me a lift.
So yeah, I'm going to have a look
at it, see if it's any good.
You know, I'm here to broaden the mind.
I'll give it a go. I'm not saying it's
gonna be rubbish before I've seen it.
I saw that thing... from a distance,
Jesus, top of the hill, looking like is,
you know, about to bungee jump.
You pass it, you go "there he is,
great, what else are we doing?".
That's enough really for me.
- Karl. Nice to see you too.
- Nice to see you here.
- I'm deloris.
- Deloris? - Yes.
- So... - Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.
- I am the driver.
- Yeah, you keep looking there.
Whoops.
- I've just seen the back of Jesus.
- Yes, look what a beautiful.
My beautiful man. The big fellow.
- Oh, beautiful.
- How many stairs?
220, 220 stairs.
- There he is.
- There he is.
Come here, you gonna see it very well.
I will explain you very good.
You are on top of the world, man.
Come, come, come. Because
this is the view, you know.
Look what a beautiful.
And in here... look here, look.
From here with this light behind.
Seems like magic.
Look at the face which is
so delicate, so clean.
The weight of the statue is 1, 145 tons.
Bloody hell. And he's not out there
to punish anybody,
to say... no, it's open arms
blessing the city.
Nice woman and everything.
But, eh... it's that a thing, isn't it,
that she loves it so much... that...
Yeah, I'm not going to change her mind.
You know, I'm not going to come here
and say "you know, it's all right
but it's not that amazing."
It's like telling someone "oh,
the kid's ugly."
Doesn't matter how ugly that kid is,
the mom and dad love it to bits.
And I didn't want to say it
but when I was looking
up I thought the chin looks... a bit big.
It's like that.
All the rest of it is brilliant, the proportions,
his arms and that, his body, but...
They just need to chip away a
bit more I reckon, at the chin.
It's a bit a sort of Jimmi Hillish.
Say if I get back home and someone says
"you've seen Christ the redeemer".
Oh, yeah. Then he go, what's it like?
I would probably just say it's
like... he's like a big arm.
Do you know what
I mean? It's like something
someone would have,
sort of next to the telly.
But I'd say if you gonna come up here,
it's not about that it's about that lot.
***
you still get a crowd coming up here. Just
stick anything there. Stick a caffe there
and people would come up here and
you can charge as much as you like
cause you don't know where
else to go. You're trapped.
You're dying of thirst, charge
about four quid for a can of coke.
The only mistake I made is I said
like he had a chin like Jimmy hill.
And after that, people told me
it's not his chin, it's his beard.
But it didn't look like a beard.
So they could have just done
with chipping a bit more out
to make it look a bit more hairy.
I was saying that they're so many sort of
flying ants out there. I imagine the worker
who's going "oh, I have had enough
of this, does it looks like a beard?".
"Yeah, it does Bob, let's go home.
I'm not hanging around here."
I don't know why there's
so many flying ants there.
Ants shouldn't have wings.
I mean, when you see them walking
they're all over the place.
They sort of go forward and then
come back, take the same path and
shoot off over there
and come back again.
If they're not good at walking they're
going to be useless with wings.
I mean, if I don't like it,
there's no point in me saying
"oh, it's magnificent..."
Do you know what I mean?
It's just false, isn't it?
And that's what I told Steve.
And he was going "oh, Karl, you're an
idiot, how can't you not be blown away by
the wonder of the world?".
And I said "oh,
I think it was the crowd,
I didn't enjoy it because of
all the people up there", so...
He sorted me out
a helicopter ride to see it from above
and said that would blow me away.
So, have you ever been in a helicopter?
No, I haven't done it before.
It's just a little bit,
you know, nervous about it.
It's just if you got no chance,
have you, if it goes wrong
it's not like a plane
that glides. It just drops.
It's almost... it shouldn't
been in the air really.
Should have left a message
for Suzanne really, but...
- Do you want to say a quick word?
- No, I'll leave it.
She gets a load of money anyway,
doesn't he, if it all goes wrong?
Oh, God.
There he is.
There's the big Jesus.
Sneaking around the back of it.
Brilliant. Love that.
I've always kind of thought people with
money who buy one, they sort of go
absolutely not bad.
What do you need one of them for?
It was definitely the best
way to get about that.
I mean the landings are
a little bit like "oh, God"...
and I wasn't really enjoying seeing
the wonder at the time because I'm like
thinking am I going to land and all that.
But it's... it's brilliant.
Best day... I... I... I can go home now.
I just thought you meant when
you said the helicopter,
I just sort of enjoyed it, that's all.
Yeah and the Jesus thing
is all right as well.
Christ the redeemer
the Taj Mahal
the great pyramids.
Truly man's greatest achievements.
But there's one man who
sees them differently.
If I build her that she'll be
going "what's been going on?".
Karl Pilkington.
- Close your mouth.
- I don't know the politically
correct term. Moron.
I think he is a round, empty-headed
chimp-like moron, buffoon idiot.
- Is that normal?
- And he's a friend!
He's a typical englander and he doesn't
like going out of his comfort zone.
Bollocks are squashed.
I just think it would be amazing
to send him around the world.
What we'd like to see is him
experience other cultures,
other peoples and see if in any way we
can change his outlook on the world.
I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.
I want him to hate it.
I want him to hate every minute
of it for my own amusement.
The lights are changing. Lights, lights!
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a
corner being poked by a stick.
I am that stick, and now I have
the might of sky behind me.
Shit!
This is one of the funniest most
expensive practical jokes I've ever done
and it's going to be great.
Just let me go home. Jesus Christ!
Karl. We're sending you to
see Christ the redeemer.
Magnificent religious symbol that towers
down over Rio de Janeiro in Brazil.
What's your first thoughts of it?
Look how big that statue is.
I just think of the
people who live in Rio,
right, they've got that there every day
when they leave the house, they see it.
- Yeah.
- Oh, it's there again.
Sick of seeing it.
It's like a pylon to them.
You get sick of it.
It's a good place to meet.
You know, you can see it from everywhere.
I don't think it was built as a
rendezvous point, to be fair.
I think it has also something to do with
the spirituality of the country but...
It's not just that you'll be seeing.
You'll be experiencing Brazil as well.
A magnificent country.
You know the carnivale is
gonna be on when you're there.
Oh, gays, isn't it?
Is... does that...
Do you feel like you have to be part of
that to enjoy it or do you feel left out?
- I'm stunned.
- Well...
I don't... he's so confused
because I don't think
Rio carnivale is known
specifically for its gay fans.
There are... there are a lot of men
with tans and opposing pouches.
Listen, if you want to see a guy in
a Speedo and there's nothing else
this is the place to go Karl,
if that's what you...
That's what I mean.
I'm not really into that.
- Can we make a note to make sure...?
- Can we, can we...?
Will you please at least
get in the spirit?
I'm not doing anything that I
wouldn't normally do on holiday.
When you're on the beach
you're in trunks, aren't you?
No, I don't. I just wear shorts.
So, how short?
How short... what's the shortest
shorts you'd be willing to wear?
- Would you wear hot pants?
- No there's no need for that.
There's no need. No need
to wear trunks like that.
No, I'm not doing anything
for the cameras. I'm not...
Red braces?
I'm just going to go.
I'm going to go look at this.
That's all I'm doing. I don't need to
go to the gay parade. There's no need.
- It's not a gay parade.
- It's not a gay parade.
Alright, enjoy it.
This is the hottest I've
ever experienced this.
Absolutely... I don't know
if you can see that. Ringy.
Is that the Jesus thing on the ***?
Do you see alright, on the hill?
Yeah, that's the Jesus thing.
Not as big as I thought it would be.
What do you think of this?
This is copacabana beach.
It's alright, isn't it?
I mean, I don't know I didn't come
for that. I meant to be looking
at the Jesus thing, but...
This makes the Jesus
thing better, doesn't it?
That's like a nice little added extra.
You're on the beach, have a look up.
There it is. There's
that thing that's in the films.
Alright. Going swimming again.
Still hot.
I mean, is it normal
to have sweaty ears?
I've never had a sweaty ear in my life.
I'm not even doing
anything and they're hot.
I've just got to get to
the place that Ricky and
Steve have sorted out
for me to stay at.
I don't know anything
about it other than
they said that it was a
good place to meet people.
I don't know what that means.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm Karl.
- Welcome to pirates of Ipanema.
- So this is your cafe, isn't it?
- Yeah. Let's go man.
This is the kitchen.
And when you cook anything,
you try to keep clean the area, ok?
Don't tell me that. Tell the
last fella who came here...
This normally, it's a place for a pool
table, but in carnivale man, stay crazy.
With a 100 persons inside of the house, ok?
And the people sleep in their mattress...
There's going to be a
hundred people in there?
Yeah, people sleep there man.
Pay more cheaper but sleep there.
Cause it's crazy.
And this is your dorm.
You stay here.
Close off the window.
How much is it here? How much is it
normally to stay here for a night?
Four pound point five.
Have you got anything for about six
quid? Just a little bit better?
Anything for just a little bit.
Just a little bit. Just...
Around six or seven pounds?
No, man, no. We don't have.
All right.
He's rough in here. Then is roughing it.
This isn't proper roughing it.
This is just scruffy bastards.
All right, just eh...
Four quid. I think it's overpriced.
Ricky and Steve thought you needed
to socialize with other people,
- so that's why they put you...
- I'm not socializing.
I don't do that.
I'm just not that sort of person.
And I'm old in the age now.
You know, I've got no friends.
I've always said you only need seven
mates to get you through life, that's it,
that's why... you know, I've mentioned
snow white with the midgets.
She had them all covered in seven.
Same thing again with friends.
I just found out that
the Rio carnivale is on
which is a big dance thing that
they do every year in Brazil.
Ricky and Steve are
probably aware of this.
That's why they sent me here
at this time of year, you know,
because they know I don't like crowds,
they know I don't like parties.
So to them this is hilarious.
They sorted out a local fellow who's
gonna teach me how to do the samba.
He's gonna pick me up on his motorbike.
Bloody hell.
We are preparing you to
this big parade, okay?
- So first of all we should...
- Oh, hang on...
What do you mean?
We are going to parade
with this big samba.
- I'm going to be doing it in front of...
- Thousands of people, camera
and everything else.
It's going to be quite a
performance, like that...
Okay. You... there, here.
♪ Cha-cha cha-cha ♪
Front back, cha-cha, cha.
No, no, no, no.
Is it no area where you just get a
load of people who aren't very good.
But you let them take part because
there's simple. Just put me with them
I'm pushing you to the higher level.
That's what you're going to wear.
And this your head dress.
You're just going to
look lovely in this.
Just perfect.
Is everyone going to be wearing this?
Everyone is going to be like that.
Not ready for this, am I?
I mean, this is like their world cup final,
isn't it? And you wouldn't say...
Oh, Karl likes a game. Stick him in goal.
They shouldn't have me anywhere near it.
What do you think?
Andy Pandy on crack.
I'm in Rio, right? I meant to
be seeing Christ the redeemer.
So what am I doing dressed up like
a clown taking part in a carnivale?
I mean, why am I to get all this?
Look at this.
It's not a good sign, is it?
I've got shit on it and
the thing is coming off.
I'm sure one day I'll look back at
this and go, I was in a carnivale.
But it's just not me now.
I'm sort of thinking,
I'm in the carnivale now.
What am I doing here?
♪
I mean when he said, you know, we're going
to a samba room, I pictured something...
Just something better than this,
really. I mean, what is this?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Just like a trade in a state, isn't it?
With a bit of a kitchen liner on
the road for people to dance down.
People sat either side on the chairs.
I mean it's...
It's nothing special, is it?
As our float starts, I think it's
three or four floats that way.
So really I couldn't
be any further back.
I mean, it's almost like being at
the back of the London marathon.
By the time I go over the end
line people are at home in bed.
I I might as well be dressed as a rhino.
I feel like that.
I mean I'm next to like a
couple of old women now.
You know, I can't ask for more really.
I'm right at the back.
I'm with some 70-year-olds.
If I can't look good in this,
I shouldn't be here.
♪
Oh, I'm knackered man, I'm knackered.
My feet hurt.
Oh, I got blister.
Bloody hell.
I don't know if she's in the carnivale or
just here to earn some quids at this time of night.
I have no idea.
I mean if I've got blister on my feet,
I dread to think what her ars is like.
Oh, fucking hell.
♪
Are you going to go for a walk?
Ah, forget it. Not worth it, is it?
You've seen the mattress.
Not worth it.
You've seen the toilets.
You see equivalent of Romanians
cleaning the wind screen.
They don't do a good job
cause they can't.
They got some dirty water
and a dirty sponge.
Same is in there.
But, ehm... like I say,
I'm not going to sleep anyway tonight.
♪
Don't you want to go down and
have a drink and have the party.
No, it's embarrassing, isn't it?
I could be some of their dads.
A bit like your dad going to a
party that you're having and stuff.
I mean I'm hoping that they
kind of think I am old.
At least when they come
back up here later,
they might be quiet,
don't wake him up, he's old.
I'll be happier in an old people zone.
Seriously.
They'd all be in bed now.
Did you sleep?
What a bollocks.
Can you sleep in this?
I can't do this.
Seriously, I can't do it.
I'm *** Ricky and Steve sort of do this.
Cause that isn't what it's about.
Cause I'll tell you what.
They wouldn't do it.
Ricky and Steve wouldn't be doing it.
You know what I mean?
There's no way Steve could hack it here.
He goes home to his mum and
dad's when he's got a cold.
You know that?
♪♪♪♪♪Right my hard ass♪♪♪♪♪♪
it's not the first time I've
seen that since I've been here.
I don't really get the impression
it's that religious to be honest.
I suppose with... a lot of
religious people it's...
It's about covering up, isn't it,
and being quiet...
you know, not being sexy.
Where is here? You feel like
you've been out with some of the woman
you've seen that much of them.
You know, everything's
on show, isn't it?
There's nothing left to
the imagination here.
I mean, look at him. No shame.
Just naked out for a loaf.
When I go to bed I'm normally
wearing more than that,
just in case something
happens in the night.
A fire alarm goes off or something,
you got to leave the house.
I'm here in Brazil to see Christ the
redeemer, right? The wonder of the world.
The reason why I'm meant to be here
and yet Ricky and Steve are saying
don't be worrying about that.
We got some other plans for you.
You know, get down to the beach
and meet this local fellow.
He's name is Salso, you know,
he's going to show you around the place.
- It's you.
- Yeah.
- I'm Salso, how are you?
- Salso.
- Nice to meeting you.
- How are you doing?
- I'm very well, thank you.
- Well, sit down.
No, I don't want to sit down.
I just want to give you something that the
first contact we always have to wear it.
Condoms.
I've never had that as a gift, or at a
first meeting before. A little bit forward.
Yeah.
Sit down.
Tell me what's going on.
You will see in a minute.
Why is there no other men in here?
Why is there no other men?
There's a woman looking
at me in a funny way.
They have a woman here but they have
a lot of men that come here too.
You have known me for a bit.
Would I be happy with this.
Wait.
Well, you know those guys that do surf.
They wax here.
Would you like to try?
Not really.
Do I seem like the sort of block
who has a wax. I'm like an ape.
Well, you look nice to have a wax.
It's going to work. A lot.
Yeah but... my girlfriend
likes it. She likes that.
- Does she?
- Yeah, she loves it.
She loves the hairy bit.
I can get out while you
get undress if you want.
No, no.
Why don't you try even on
your arms a little bit?
I feel much better without the hair.
Yeah.
Well, that bit you're having down there,
I wouldn't mind getting that done
cause sometimes I have
to tuck it in my pants.
That's a sign it's a bit too long, isn't
it, when you have to start tucking it in.
Uh Jesus, it's hot.
Relax. If you don't relax,
you won't enjoy it.
Oh, Jesus. That's bad bad.
That is bad. She took a bit there.
Just a little bit.
Just to see if it's ready.
Ah, Jesus!
Is he bleeding?
There's two other parts.
If I left it, it would look stupid?
Oh, it's not good.
It seems that you have something here.
She shouldn't be laughing, to be honest.
Oh, you look so clean.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You look nice, really nice.
I suppose it's good for me to meet
different kinds of people, isn't it?
You know, there's no point having
mates who are all the same.
Let's see some bum bum.
Something for the beach.
- What do you think?
- I... I don't think this is necessary.
I mean, salso is different
to my other mates.
He'd be like a new addition.
Would you like to see
some of this over there?
To see which one fits on you?
No honestly, I don't want a pair.
You see, there's nothing
wrong with these.
Do you know what I mean?
That's all you need.
I don't know if I'm seeing the
real Brazil, to be honest.
No, I just mean in terms
of what I've been up to.
♪
Here I am.
How do I look?
No. Well, he... he bought me some.
Yeah, it's not... it's madness.
I don't understand why you
need that much of a tan.
When I get home I won't be saying: "Look
at the core of me, weeping my ars out".
Just the face.
You're feeling hot, aren't you?
Well, I'm not used to this.
My feet are killing me.
How about the thing that
I bought you yesterday?
Don't you feel comfortable now
that it's so hot to wear it?
Because I'm going to wear mine.
- I'm already wearing it.
- No, they would see my ars
and they'd be looking at it
and going "oh, look at the state of him".
Nobody is going to look at you.
They are, they are.
I have to tell you a story
about this part of the beach.
On the '70s all the artists
used to come here
to smoke marijuana
and do this kind of stuff.
And then since then, this part of the beach
become a very famous and a gay beach too.
And I would like to sit
down because I'm tired.
We've been walking Miles.
Just keep going
- for another couple of minutes.
- Oh, I'm so tired.
- I would like to sit down.
- Come on.
I mean, it's good seeing this
but... let's keep walking.
Bloody hell... another two
minutes and we'll be out of it.
- Come on.
- We can but I would like to sit down.
Don't worry about it.
It's a beach like any other beach.
Yeah but it's... honestly, do you know
what I'm talking about, being closed in.
I love this weather.
- Yeah, I'm not enjoying...
- This wind, so delicious.
No, there's a chair for us to sit down.
I need a chair.
Delicious.
Massive beach, but so air. Lovely.
Oh, I'm sorry, but I have to take
my shirt off because it's too hot.
- Are you gay or...
- What do you think?
- It's hard to tell.
- Mmh?
It's hard to tell.
There is a friend of mine.
- Hello.
- Hi, how are you doing?
Yeah, marcelo.
- Marcelo, I'm Karl.
- Nice to meet you, hi Karl.
- How you doin'?
- Welcome to Rio.
- You're happy.
- But look, you're frying over there.
No, I'm fine.
Cause I've got... I've got a few...
I've got protection. No, honestly.
It's like, please your ego.
You have novelty value.
You're so whity and you get pinky.
It's a lovely colour.
Like really really lovely.
Different from everyone else.
People like the difference.
So why do you have to hide your beauty?
I just... I keep it for my girlfriend.
- A girlfriend?
- Yeah, yeah.
Why do you mean the others?
What others?
Why do you mean the rest of humanity?
You just need to be looked at.
This is what the beach is all about.
That's why I don't come here that much.
I don't like to be looked at.
I just thought...
Let's go for a quiet walk.
- I'd love a quiet walk.
- Really?
Look at this.
I'm going to have some massage and
I would like you guys to join me.
No, I watch. I don't need one.
Ok. Thank you.
I'll tell you what. He should have had
his ass done yesterday, shouldn't he?
He had his back and his front,
look at that, over there.
You know, to think that earlier on I
was asking whether he's gay or not.
I feel a bit daft now.
I don't want to moan,
do you know what I mean?
I know I'm quite lucky
to do what I'm doing.
But I thought the idea was that Ricky
and Steve wanted me to broaden my mind.
That's what this is all about but...
Being in that carnivale yesterday
that hadn't broaden my mind, did it?
That just knackered my legs up.
You know, I'm here to see Christ the
redeemer, the wonder of the world.
Why can't I just see that and go home?
But now they're calling up and saying "why
don't you go and see a block party?".
Just seem they have a party
for any occasion really.
It doesn't have to be
a birthday, it's just...
It's a Wednesday. It's a get together.
So, yeah, that's what a block party is,
just going along with hundreds of people.
You know I don't like to be in crowds
but apparently you get quite busy.
The closest thing I've probably done
to this block party is when
I was a kid and there was the queen of ***,
and like, you know,
people turned up on the street.
You brought your own food.
Everyone had a good time and went home.
I didn't enjoy that.
I remember my mom being annoyed
that scruffy son returned
up and upload the trifle.
You didn't bring anything.
It's basically a big queue with
someone playing some music.
Except I don't know
what I'm queueing for.
*** some silly wigs and stuff.
Maybe I'm miserable.
Maybe I'm the only one here
who isn't enjoying it.
But... if I'm not enjoying it,
I shouldn't be here.
I know this isn't for me.
My ears just haven't stop
since I've been here.
I get off the plane they were sweating.
I've never had sweaty ears. And since then
been overworked with constant, you know,
drums, singing, whistles,
chanting, dogs, helicopters.
- Gays.
- Want a massage for your ego?
Gays wouldn't normally be on that list,
but the one I'm with
just didn't want to shut up.
Great place to live if you're deaf.
That what I'd say about Rio.
Lovely and relaxing... if you're deaf.
Oh, I left that in the end. ***
yeah... it was ridicoulous. I mean, I'm
not that fussy and that, but it was mingy.
There was underpants hanging on the end
of my bed and it weren't even mine.
But... what's the point
of this seriously?
Isn't that a gay term, that? I've heard
that's a gay term, for bomb and bollocks.
I mean... I'm not that bothered. I mean, I know
his house is going to be
nicer than were I am now.
But what am I going to do with him?
Can we just have a game of cards or...?
So glad you decided to stay.
How are you? Come in.
Here in Brazil we have a tradition.
When a friend or someone
come to your place,
this person have
to sleep on your bed.
There's this tradition.
When you receive a friend...
I never heard of this tradition.
Yeah, but this is Brazil.
This is here in Brazil.
Sleep in your bed?
- Yeah.
- I don't want to do that.
But that's... that's the tradition.
Yeah, but I don't know about the
traditions. Just keep it to yourself.
That's what I'm telling you.
That's the way to say that
you're welcome to my place.
This is a lot of *** you're keeping.
Yeah.
And that's where I sleep.
So where are you going to go?
I have to work.
I'll be back late tonight.
When Steve said go and stay I
did expect something different.
I thought it would be a bigger place.
I mean, I hate anything
that's overcrowded.
I can't even think straight.
I mean, for me, popping that or there...
Pop it in the bin. It's just like that, ***
that seems to be his thing in life.
If it's old pop something in it.
That has nothing to do with
anything but... this is mental.
I think it's a tradition that you
should do if you got the room for it.
I don't even like this. I'm just
having it 'cause again I feel guilty.
I'm just doing all stuff to please
a fella who I don't even know.
He doesn't even tell me
why he does that stuff.
Oh, Jesus. What's that?
Here I am.
How are you?
May I sit down?
- Sit down, yeah.
- Excuse me.
Ah, I'm ready to go to job.
This is the last thing
you should know about me.
I'm a female impersonator.
Close your mouth.
As a female impersonator my
name is Lorena Washington.
Why so surprised?
It's just weird. It's weird...
The way I behave, you know...
- I don't...
- No, no.
No, just sort of looking at your hair
and the voice coming out that I know.
Oh yeah?
But... it's like you've had...
Sort of changed the head.
Changed the head.
It's a little bit freaky.
Oh, okay.
Be yourself comfortable.
Be at home. Your home. I'm leaving.
Bye, have a nice night.
I'll see you when you get back.
Is it normal this brazilian tradition
of making everyone feel welcome?
Does that still count when you say I
want you to stay but I'm going out?
I don't see how that counts.
I don't know what's going on out there.
Things like that freak me out.
I wake up in the night with that laughing
at me or something... like Chucky.
I've been in the toilet and
there's a couple of cockroaches.
I know we're Brazil where they're
everywhere, but I don't like them.
I can't see them now.
Don't worry about it.
So he's got two fridges to put place in.
I'm cooking, I'm cooking.
I need the garlic. Where's the garlic?
Is it in that one? That one? No, it's not.
It's down here with
the cockroach next to it.
Look at that down there.
I've heard that cockroaches are like the
thoughest thing that's in the planet.
They say like if there's a nuclear bomb.
They'll... they'll carry on living.
Yet in Salso's kitchen, dead.
It's a bit rude, isn't it, sort of
looking at his house whilst is out.
Well, then again,
he shouldn't be out, should he?
It's his house...
I've said it all there.
It's his house and he's not here.
I don't think we should stay.
Please leave a message and
we will return your call.
Hi, salso, it's Karl.
Uh, we haven't got your cell phone number
so I had to call you at your home number.
Even though we're still here, but we're
about to leave 'cause this is too noisy.
I hope your Friday night was good.
Thanks for having me around.
Honestly, I don't know
why he invited me around.
Cause it's a bit weird, didn't it, that
he gets me around and then he goes out.
The only thing I can think of is, you know,
he lives in quite a rough neighborhood
and he's thinking "oh,
I've got Karl around", you know.
"He can be a bit of security."
It's all I can think of.
I just want to go to a quiet beach
really, get away from it all.
Because it's wearing me out.
It's just have been a full week,
with the carnivale and then the block party
and that late night at Salso's and
stuff. Do you know what I mean?
There's been nothing relaxing about it.
It's not holiday. I thought it was.
That's why I took the job on to be honest.
But, eh... it's a good beach.
The sea is a bit active.
I wouldn't get in there.
Yeah, it would nice.
It's nice enough.
I worry that, you know, if there's more
people turning up it's not that big.
And I don't want to be
here if it's crowded.
Oh, for fuck sake.
Oh, fucking hell.
I can never enjoy anything, can I?
Is that the plan to never let
me just have a normal nice day?
- You've always got a...
- What do you mean?
Well, it's obviously some
nudist beach, isn't it?
You know, I didn't put trunks on, did I?
I'm not going to walk around
with my cock and bollocks out.
It's not even that hot yet.
He's kept his t-shirt on.
But his pants...
little bit hot down there.
Got to whip them off.
A little bending over now for a...
I've never seen anyone
bend over so much as him.
Bloody hell.
- How are you doing?
- I'm all right, yeah.
Not bad.
Okay. But here in this beach you
have to remove your clothes.
Isn't that naturist beach.
What, if I want to stay here
I have to take them off?
Yeah.
- These are the rules.
- Yeah, it's the rules of this beach.
The one that's quite interesting is...
If a male beach goer gets a bit,
sort of excited,
go into the sea, it says,
until he calms down.
But that's embarrassing because
that means everyone knows what's
happening, if you suddenly just run into
the sea and stand there, looking around.
I wonder if these
two women there, it's their
job to be there so
it doesn't happen that much.
It's like a little, you know...
A safety thing to stop it happening.
I haven't seen one fellow run
in there and then look worried.
I've just been going down the beach.
Well, I haven't finished.
It was a nudist beach.
So that's... that's good, isn't it?
You know, I didn't like it.
I was felt a bit uncomfortable there.
An old people stuff is...
Because they're doing it all the time.
It was all like leather. It's not about
being nude and being free and that.
They just don't like wearing pants.
That's the end of it.
They're pants haters.
Yeah, I saw that... at the
carnivale there was an ars on show.
It's not... sky 1 know me,
put that sort of shy ***
so, you know...
I'm going up to the mountain today
to see the Christ the redeemer.
Which is a little bit weird
that they've stuck
it so high up on
a mountain out of the way.
It's almost like the Locas
don't want people to see it.
I mean, on a cloudy day
you can't... it's weird.
Ehm... so anyway I'm just
going up and have a look.
Steve sorted out a woman
to give me a lift.
So yeah, I'm going to have a look
at it, see if it's any good.
You know, I'm here to broaden the mind.
I'll give it a go. I'm not saying it's
gonna be rubbish before I've seen it.
I saw that thing... from a distance,
Jesus, top of the hill, looking like is,
you know, about to bungee jump.
You pass it, you go "there he is,
great, what else are we doing?".
That's enough really for me.
- Karl. Nice to see you too.
- Nice to see you here.
- I'm deloris.
- Deloris? - Yes.
- So... - Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.
- I am the driver.
- Yeah, you keep looking there.
Whoops.
- I've just seen the back of Jesus.
- Yes, look what a beautiful.
My beautiful man. The big fellow.
- Oh, beautiful.
- How many stairs?
220, 220 stairs.
- There he is.
- There he is.
Come here, you gonna see it very well.
I will explain you very good.
You are on top of the world, man.
Come, come, come. Because
this is the view, you know.
Look what a beautiful.
And in here... look here, look.
From here with this light behind.
Seems like magic.
Look at the face which is
so delicate, so clean.
The weight of the statue is 1, 145 tons.
Bloody hell. And he's not out there
to punish anybody,
to say... no, it's open arms
blessing the city.
Nice woman and everything.
But, eh... it's that a thing, isn't it,
that she loves it so much... that...
Yeah, I'm not going to change her mind.
You know, I'm not going to come here
and say "you know, it's all right
but it's not that amazing."
It's like telling someone "oh,
the kid's ugly."
Doesn't matter how ugly that kid is,
the mom and dad love it to bits.
And I didn't want to say it
but when I was looking
up I thought the chin looks... a bit big.
It's like that.
All the rest of it is brilliant, the proportions,
his arms and that, his body, but...
They just need to chip away a
bit more I reckon, at the chin.
It's a bit a sort of Jimmi Hillish.
Say if I get back home and someone says
"you've seen Christ the redeemer".
Oh, yeah. Then he go, what's it like?
I would probably just say it's
like... he's like a big arm.
Do you know what
I mean? It's like something
someone would have,
sort of next to the telly.
But I'd say if you gonna come up here,
it's not about that it's about that lot.
***
you still get a crowd coming up here. Just
stick anything there. Stick a caffe there
and people would come up here and
you can charge as much as you like
cause you don't know where
else to go. You're trapped.
You're dying of thirst, charge
about four quid for a can of coke.
The only mistake I made is I said
like he had a chin like Jimmy hill.
And after that, people told me
it's not his chin, it's his beard.
But it didn't look like a beard.
So they could have just done
with chipping a bit more out
to make it look a bit more hairy.
I was saying that they're so many sort of
flying ants out there. I imagine the worker
who's going "oh, I have had enough
of this, does it looks like a beard?".
"Yeah, it does Bob, let's go home.
I'm not hanging around here."
I don't know why there's
so many flying ants there.
Ants shouldn't have wings.
I mean, when you see them walking
they're all over the place.
They sort of go forward and then
come back, take the same path and
shoot off over there
and come back again.
If they're not good at walking they're
going to be useless with wings.
I mean, if I don't like it,
there's no point in me saying
"oh, it's magnificent..."
Do you know what I mean?
It's just false, isn't it?
And that's what I told Steve.
And he was going "oh, Karl, you're an
idiot, how can't you not be blown away by
the wonder of the world?".
And I said "oh,
I think it was the crowd,
I didn't enjoy it because of
all the people up there", so...
He sorted me out
a helicopter ride to see it from above
and said that would blow me away.
So, have you ever been in a helicopter?
No, I haven't done it before.
It's just a little bit,
you know, nervous about it.
It's just if you got no chance,
have you, if it goes wrong
it's not like a plane
that glides. It just drops.
It's almost... it shouldn't
been in the air really.
Should have left a message
for Suzanne really, but...
- Do you want to say a quick word?
- No, I'll leave it.
She gets a load of money anyway,
doesn't he, if it all goes wrong?
Oh, God.
There he is.
There's the big Jesus.
Sneaking around the back of it.
Brilliant. Love that.
I've always kind of thought people with
money who buy one, they sort of go
absolutely not bad.
What do you need one of them for?
It was definitely the best
way to get about that.
I mean the landings are
a little bit like "oh, God"...
and I wasn't really enjoying seeing
the wonder at the time because I'm like
thinking am I going to land and all that.
But it's... it's brilliant.
Best day... I... I... I can go home now.
I just thought you meant when
you said the helicopter,
I just sort of enjoyed it, that's all.
Yeah and the Jesus thing
is all right as well.