An Idiot Abroad (2010–2012): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Short Way Around: Venice - full transcript

Marco Polo, one of the world's
greatest explorers.

In the 13th century, he embarked on
an epic journey from Venice to China

that took over three years to
complete.

Now, Ricky Gervais is
sending his mate Karl Pilkington to

follow in his footsteps, but this
time he's got a little company.

I thought this stuff just
happened in pantomime.

Jesus Christ.
It's like a Primark sale.

He said if he did it again he'd want
some company this time.

He meant me,
but I've sent someone in my place.

Grab hold of that.
I can't see.

They're like chalk and cheese.



Carl whinges all the time.
He's doing my head in.

He's treating it like a holiday.

He says he doesn't want adventure,
he doesn't want stress.

I'm just not a good swimmer.
Once you're in, it'll be fine.

Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.

Tease the camera. Tease the camera.
Now, do a little bit of an Oliver.

(ALL SCREAM)

It's not the night for this, is it?

Warwick, you'll have to do it.
I'm not doing it.

They're going to have the
adventure of their lifetime...

Whether they like it or not!

Wow.

Right.

Thank you for signing up for
another adventure.



You're going to take
the Marco Polo route.

Started it all off, one of the most
famous explorers of all time.

He went from Venice
through Europe, Asia

and you're going to end up in China.

I remember telling you when
Dick Whittington walked to London,

that he had a cat with him - his cat
- and you went, "Why take a cat?"

Right. Take a little mate.

I didn't mean little mate.
I meant, take a mate.

Take someone who can help you,
bring something with them.

Hang on. Wow.
So what are you saying,

that I'm not going to bring
anything to the party?

I've never seen a dwarf go on a round
the world trip on any programme.

Reynold Fiennes or whatever his name
is, when he climbed Everest,

he didn't say,
"Here's my little mate I brought."

If I'm being honest. No, if we're
being honest, though.

Karl... What's his height got to do
with it? Yeah.

I just think you're going to
be a hindrance. This is really bad.

Normally, when I've done these
things in the past,

all I've had to do is
worry about myself.

Yeah. I don't have that many mates,
I don't think I need them.

And maybe that's part of what's
worrying me.

That you're like a little sort of
limpet,

hanging on, dragging me back
- that's how it feels.

"Limpet"? Something that's just
clinging on, a stag beetle,

a leech, taking from me. Not a limpet
- that would be insulting.

A stag beetle or a leech, he means.

A leech, sucking my blood,
taking my energy, cos you're going,

"Can you carry this? "Can you that?"
It'll be fine. It's not fine.

I tell you what, I want that little
bit on my phone with you going,

"It'll be fine." So that when you're
shitting out a lung,

I can go, "Remember that?"
"I'll be fine."

That's what worries me.
He hasn't got a clue.

It's not all luxury.
It'll be fine. It won't be fine.

Marco Polo,
this is where he was from.

This is where he started it.

Just think how old this stuff is.

You'd soon get sick of it
though, wouldn't you?

It's a town made for mermaids.

You know what I mean?
It's just...hassle.

Yeah. But if you lived here,
it wouldn't be a hassle

cos it's part of your life
and you realise,

when you want to
get from there to there,

you either jump on a gondola or you
walk up to a bridge and cross.

I think we've moved on.

The time when we walked out the
water, stopped swimming about.

We were fish, weren't we,
millions of years ago?

We weren't fish. We were some
sort of swimming grub-type thing,

and it grew up into people.

I don't know how old this place is,
but it suited us more back then.

It doesn't work, this,
living like this. Of course it works.

It doesn't work... This city's been
here for hundreds of years.

Where we going?
Just keep going straight.

I've got no option -
I'm like Pac-Man.

It's like a fire alarm's gone off
and everyone's just hanging about.

They've come to see this -
St Mark's Square. It's beautiful.

Never heard of it. 1600s, right?

This was the centre for culture
and entertainment in Europe.

You can just feel the...the energy.

It's interesting how the human
body was represented.

The body hasn't changed,
has it, from how it was then.

It's just that they were
probably more tanned

cos they all
walked about with their tackle out.

If you're walking about with next to
nowt on all the time,

you're going to make an effort
to have a six pack.

I've got a T-shirt on,
so I'm not bothered.

No-one's got any pets.

Why do you think
there should be pets?

Just to cheer it up a bit.

If there was a fat ginger cat
sat in the corner,

it would take the edge off someone
being clubbed to death.

This is the stuff
memories are made of.

Jesus Christ!

I tell you, that is
going to get right on my tits.

If he continues this touristy
thing he's doing.

He's treating it like a holiday.
This isn't how Marco Polo did it.

He wasn't stopping every five
minutes, feeding pigeons.

He's an explorer.

He's pissed off over there, buying
ice-cream or postcards or something.

He's left me with his bag.

Fucking ice-cream.
It's going to take for ever, innit?

Getting all the way to China.

Got you an ice-cream.

It's melted a bit. It's a long way.

You like vanilla?

Yeah. I like vanilla, yeah.

We can't keep doing this, though.
What?

Sort of wandering about,
taking pictures and that,

cos it's not me, this.

Yeah, but I'm trying to open
your mind and open your eyes a bit,

to appreciate where we are
and what we're doing,

so we do the pigeons, we get
ice-cream, Italian ice-cream...

What do you mean,
"We do the pigeons"?

I've never heard anyone saying,
"I'm going to Venice."

What for? "To do the pigeons."
We've got them in Trafalgar Square.

I'm starting to think I'm here
with the wrong person, to be honest.

I'm not moaning on purpose,
it's just... I know.

And you weren't to know, but I don't
like this sort of set-up.

I mean, what's a lion doing up
there with wings on?

If that was done today you'd go,
"What's that shit?"

Right.

(SIGHS)

Excellent. Lovely.
Thank you. With the rose petals.

What a lovely room.

It's like going away with
a girlfriend for the first time

or something.
You're suddenly, this is it.

I'm with her all the time.

It's when you find out what
people are, sort of, like.

Their little downfalls, little
irritating things that they do.

Everything's exaggerated.

It's why honeymoons...honeymoons
shouldn't be after the wedding,

they should do it before it,
find out if you like each other.

(ANSWER MACHINE)

Looking forward to today?
Yeah.

There's some fun things
I want to do.

Erm...I just want to show Karl,
sort of,

the idea of the masked ball
and all of that sort of thing.

It's a tradition that goes back
years and it gave people anonymity,

and they could sort of live out
their alter egos

behind these masks -
even nuns and priests would do it.

And so they could get away with
things that they couldn't

normally get away with,
which I think is quite interesting.

This is it, here.

Fancy dress.
There you go.

Dressing up.
Masks. So choose your character.

Oh, I hate this sort of thing.
Why? Cos it's really forced fun.

The idea is, right, people never had
any sort of anonymity, so to give

them that, they would wear the mask
and they could become somebody else.

Another persona. Everyone did
this...? Everybody did it.

Everyone got involved.

Hats look good on me, don't they?

That actually doesn't do
a lot for you, that one?

Hang on. They knew you were coming.

(LAUGHS) Now that's funny -
that's cheered me up.

That's you wearing it, not me.

That suits you -
totally changes you.

Honestly.

I want to find the one that's...it's
like the plague doctor.

He had a huge nose.

So the doctor would wear
something like that?

Yeah.

So you go in for a serious check-up
and he comes out...

I don't know
whether he's doing that...

Listen,
you've got cancer of the bollocks.

(LAUGHS) I don't want bad
news from someone like this.

It's cheered me up, hasn't it? I
don't feel so bad about that, now.

Hello. Good morning. It's a lovely
shop you have here. Thank you.

We are going to a masquerade
ball tonight,

and we need to have the
appropriate outfits.

Sure.

This is more simple, more silent.
Or this one is nice, too.

This is a joker.

This is great, this.
Let's just see if it fits.

Don't try
and wear it like a smart suit.

You've got to wear
it as the character.

You're not holding it right now,
Karl.

That's what I'm comfortable with.

I'm not comfortable when I play all
the characters that I play.

You keep mentioning that as
if you've done loads of stuff -

like Shakespeare.
You dress up as a bear in Star Wars.

And a green gnome in something else
that you always go on about.

Hang on. OK.
Think about the bear in Star Wars.

Again, it's a type of masquerade,
isn't it? I was hidden in there

and I could fully explore
the character of the Ewok.

This is when it gets silly, now.
I was happy with the jacket.

That's ruined it,
as far as I'm concerned.

I look like a sperm.

Do you prefer period?
What mask would I wear?

The white and black.
And what does that say to people?

The message is...the dreamer man.
Dreaming, that's more me.

That's more me.
Yeah.

Look a bit sad.

I am, you see, that's the thing.
You can't tell.

Sympathy. Get the sympathy of the
lady. Fucking...

No, not "fucking hell".
No. Just...

Jesus. What are the chances of that?
That's annoyed.

Just be sympathetically sad.

Aw...

Your head to one side.
Aw...

What are you going as?
Casanova.

Casanova. Yeah.

For you?
Thank you. Yes.

This is dangerous. I can hardly see.

I'm in a city where
it's like 90% water. I'm in a canal.

OK.

There you are.
That.

And the hat.

Yeah, but you're going to keep
that up all night,

walking around like that.
Stand aside, peasant.

Right. I can't deal with this.

You've been doing my head in already,
without you walking around,

swanning about like this.

Honestly, I'm not having
a full night of that.

Look at it, though.

I know, look at it.

Madame. May I have this dance?

Definitely not.

Are you looking forward to
the party?

No, not really.

If I'm being honest.

Not at all.

It's what Warwick wants
though, innit?

At the moment, it seems,
what Warwick wants, Warwick gets.

It's just a lot of arsing about.

I don't want to be someone else.

I've been me for 39 years.

What's the point in having
a night off from me?

I'm quite happy being me.

Warwick's an actor -
that's what he does.

Who is the real Warwick?

What does he like, really?

He's dressed up as a bear
in Star Wars,

a green goblin in something else.

Someone shouted "Willow" at him
the other day -

I don't know what he played in that.

You can guarantee it's some
sort of little troll

under a bridge or something.

I didn't know
he was in Hitchhiker's Guide -

He was in that. I didn't know.

The way he goes on, saying,
"Oh, yeah, people recognise me."

I did not know. He could have
been in 3-2-1, in that bin.

I don't know.
I don't know what he's done.

The point is, you never see his face.

He keeps going on,
as if he's a proper actor.

Oliver Reed never dressed
up as a goblin.

Get fed, have a chat and go home.

Have you never been to a fancy
dress party? No.

All we need is a stag
do on the next boat.

What's this?
What you done with the shoes?

It's fine.
No-one's looking at my feet.

Of course they are.
It's ruining the look.

Who's going to be looking at my feet
when we look like this?

It stands out, though.
It doesn't. It's not authentic, now.

Remember, dignity.

Karl, give us a hand.

Ooh! Thank you.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Thank you very much.

Don't ruin it, alright,
with your attitude.

Here we are. Our guests.
You alright?

That's your woman. This is Warwick.

Hello.

Hello. I'm the dream weaver.

Salute. Salute. Salut.

How often do you dress up like this?
You don't ask like that.

Why not? In the characters of what
we're doing.

Er...so are you very different,
now...?

N-n-n-n...talk about the room
and food and the...

The experience.

Venetian people like to dress

and do some...game to
seduce our victims, so...

Yes. You, it's like you.

I don't know what's going on.

It's just awkward. It's
like a horrible Come Dine With Me.

(ALL LAUGH)

Listen to him, laughing and all that,
having a good time, in there.

I can't wait to find something I want
to do that he's going to hate.

I'll say, "Remember Warwick,

"I dressed up as knob for you that
night. You do me a favour."

If she was a nun, she would have.

(ALL LAUGH) Maybe that's why you
haven't got one.

No. I'm all right. I have had some
pasta earlier. I'm quite full.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm OK.

Er...

Cheers. Cheers.

Just have one drink and I'll probably
get going, cos I have to be up early.

So...he might stay,
but I'll be shooting off.

(PHONE RINGS)

All right?

He's doing my head in.

It's exactly what
I said to you at the start.

He's treating it like a holiday.

He's got, like, one of them little
wig things on, like judges wear,

and a little outfit.

Got 5,000 miles to cover,
he's sat here having canopies.

I don't know, to be honest.
I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it's meant to be.

I've never seen it.
I don't know what he's dressed as.

A red velvet jackek and bottom like
a small Adam Ant.

Imagine Adam Ant as a kid.
(RICKY LAUGHS)

You should see the looks we get.

I was on a gondola.

People weren't looking at the old
buildings and all that.

They were going,
"What is going on there?"

"What is happening there?"

(RICKY LAUGHS)

Pretty Woman.

Maybe...we can make a game.

An old-fashioned game. A Venetian...
Yeah. Of course.

An old-fashioned... Casanova use it.

Ah. Yeah?

The pleasure machine.

I didn't know...
More like Monopoly, for me.

Want to be the first?
It's his idea.

(ALL LAUGH)

He wanted to come to a party.

So, Warwick, it's your go.
Yeah, definitely.

I just wanted to have a
bit of something to eat and drink.

Well, we can.

Let's both go in together, then.
We're doing the trip together,

let's experience the pleasure
machine together.

Now, that's a bit weird, surely?

I pray you, let's go in together
with the dream weaver.

Put the band...
Yeah, let's.

You see me?
No. OK.

So, give me your hand.

Dance with me.
Dance... Don't worry.

This is sensory deprivation.

So we both went in the pleasure
machine.

It's not a machine,
it was a changing room.

It just a...curtain.

Relax. The machine's starting.

Wait.

It's my hat!

Parlour games were invented
for people who aren't really friends.

You've got nothing to talk about cos
you don't really know them.

It's like at home we have charades,
play Give Us A Clue or whatever.

If you get the board game out,
it's cos the party's not going well.

(CHOKES) (LAUGHS)

Whoever's been having the garlic and
the cheese and stuff, it was rank.

Having someone, sort of,
breathing in my face, a stranger,

a smelly stranger
breathing in my face.

I was thinking, "Where's the
pl...where's the pleasure machine?

"Where's the pleasure? "

Wh-What? All right?

I reckon we've got to get going.

Eh.

It's not that good.
I don't like it. I've had enough.

Take one. I've experienced it.

What you having done?

I don't know what
he was having played with,

what he was having pleasured,
but he definitely wasn't in a rush...

To get out.

Relax. I am relaxed. Is this good?
I've had enough now.

Touch it. I don't know what
you're saying "touch".

It's my hand. Just look after him.

No. No. I'll see you later.

Karl?

Fucking machine.
What a load of nonsense.

(BUZZING) What's that?

Oh.
There's a lot of hands.

Jesus!

No.

I'm just having my bit
of fun for today.

Erm... Warwick did what
he wanted to do, last night.

Hang on a minute.
Getting fondled and all that lot.

Erm...that was his wish.

So, today, I'm just having a go on,
like a...jetpack.

I've seen it on the internet, wear it
on your back, you whiz along the sea.

It sort of uses the sea to
push you in the air.

It's like a super power -
closest thing to flying.

The problem with Venice is it's
stuck in its ways.

It's very old-fashioned - the art,
the buildings.

Whereas a jetpack is ideal.

A water jetpack here, I don't know
why they haven't used them.

They're still messing about in
gondolas - it's not practical.

That's what this is about, isn't it?
Showing the kids at home the future.

Look at that. James Bond, isn't it?

Wow.

Going to be strapped to
that in a minute.

Flying high above the lagoon.

It's not quite what I thought it was.

This is really cool.
I'm excited about this, now.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

All right, Ricky?

Erm... Yeah, it's good.
It's really going well, thanks.

Today's a little bit different.

There's so much more
we could do in Venice,

but he wanted to have a go at this
water jetpack thing.

He thinks it's the future.

So he's strapped into this
contraption,

which is actually quite a cool
looking device.

But when he's strapped to it, it
sort of takes anything away from it.

(RICKY LAUGHS)

What's he talking about?

Actually, I think he's regretting it
now. He looks terrified.

That's it. That's it.
See ya.

I think we've got everything.
Just end it. Just hit the end button.

Yeah. Cheers, Ricky. Thanks. Bye.

All right.

Slowly. Slowly.

Slowly.

It's...he's pulling me back.

Lower.

I thought you were just in the water
and you give it that.

I'm just not a good swimmer

and I've got like fucking
scaffolding strapped to my back.

It's meant to be the future.

You all right? Not really.
I don't want to do it.

I thought it was going to be
easier than this.

Once you're in it'll be fine. This
is the hard bit - the getting in.

Yeah. It's... I can't breathe.

I've got a fucking polo neck on -
I hate these. I can't...

Would you rather be freezing cold?

You're going to appreciate...
I'd just rather not be doing this.

I don't know why I... You booked it.
I know. Don't annoy me.

It's only one step.

This is heavy.

Hang on. Let me
just have a rest a minute.

Where would you rather be now,
in there or in the pleasure tent?

Just lie back and just relax.
OK.

So undignified, innit?

Slowly. Slowly.
Karl, how do you feel?

Excited?

You gotta get up in the water,
like this?

Stand straight?
Yeah. Just straight up and down.

My legs are full of air.

(LAUGHS)

My legs are full of air.

Just learn forward. Just...
I'm trying.

I love the fact that he's
snookered himself with this.

It's his idea.

I'm having problems
putting my legs down.

Just lean forward.

One-two-three.

No.

(GROANS)

Right.

OK. Just relax. You feel calm?
OK.

All right. So you ready then?

Hit the button.

(ENGINE BUZZES)
(GROANS)

Just try to keep yourself balanced.
Now, roll over on your belly.

Roll over. Twist.

Hurry up! Roll over!

You all right? No. Forget it.

I couldn't control it.

You just gotta throw your weight
back and roll over.

No. Forget it.

I'll get in the water,
if you want. It's not worth it.

This isn't ready yet.

Jesus Christ.

Exciting, isn't it?
How's this got made?

I've seen people on the Dragon's Den
with more useful stuff.

This is a fucking death trap.

We don't have to send people out.

Oh, brilliant.

Karl, smile. I'll get a nice
picture of you with Venice behind.

(LAUGHS)

What you doing?

I nearly died.

You didn't nearly die.
I nearly died.

You're fine.

Just pull the ball. Pull the cork?

Just pull the ball
and you'll come out of the jetpack.

He said the cork.
That doesn't work.

It does. Just pull it.
It's not coming off.

I tell you what. Once it's off,
put it in the fucking bin. It's shit.

Pull the yellow cord out -
the yellow cord.

I am pulling the yellow cord!

No, the yellow, the yellow one.

There's only one chord!

Can you help us?
Yes.

OK. Wait a second, now.

Fucking seaweed.

OK? Just hang on a sec.
Look at the state of that.

It's like a beetle
clinging on for its life.

See, again, it's me picking things.
I don't know what I want in life.

I picked that -
I've got no-one else to blame.

I'm not a great swimmer
and I couldn't get out of it.

I saw my life flash before me, then.

What did you see?

Seaweed.

Embarrassing, really that,
wasn't it?

At least I gave it a go.

Well... While you sat there.
"Gave it a go"?

I don't think the motor actually
started, did it?

The whole time we were there.

This is not what Marco Polo did.
It's not authentic.

Why copy someone else?

There's other roads to be created,
other paths to go down, now.

You don't always go the same
way to Tesco, do you?

Er...being a gypsy. I don't know.

There's a little bit of me
that I think would like it.

But then, I don't know.
I don't like change, do I?

And their life, that's all it is,
it's just one big change,

day after day, isn't it? They never
get used to their surroundings.

You know what I mean?
It's like going on holiday, innit?

Those first few days, you think,
"Right. Where's the shop?"

"Where can you get the milk from?"

There's nothing here.

I don't understand how people at home
can call themselves gypsies

cos it's nothing like that at home.

They're not going around in a little
horse cart, like that.

They've got a static
caravan on breezeblocks.

They're not going anywhere.
They're not travellers.

They can't go anywhere...it's on
bricks.

Thank you.

Apple pie? Excellent.

Really nice. It's lovely.

Hmm. Thank you. Lovely.

Do we sleep in here, tonight?
Y-yeah.

Karl, there's hole in the roof.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Let's get that plastic sheeting on.

Do we put the plastic
on the outside? Over the top? Yeah.

Karl, can you get my case
in before it gets wet as well?

That's got a hole in it.

I need a bit more room than that.
Look how short that is.

Stop moaning.

Look at it.
There's nothing wrong with this.

Of all the people to be
moaning about being it a tight space,

you're not the one.

(BAGPIPES BLARE)

Never seen that before.
Never spoke to someone and said, "Oh.

"What instrument do you play?"
And they go, "Oh. Playing the goat."

Never seen that.
Properly nicely done as well, like.

Doesn't look ropey, sort of a dead
animal, it looks quite perky.

I suppose any animal that has more
reasons to be around helps

it in the long run.

I think that's the problems with
pandas and things,

they haven't got a job, have they?
They're dying out and no-one cares.

Whereas, if you've got an animal
that's chipping in...

Dogs do a lot now,
you get blind dogs, huskies,

that's just another job for the goat,
innit?

It does milk,
it does cheese...musical instrument.

It's good. Got a good tune out of it.
Had a good dance. Did my bit.

You know, they all seemed to enjoy me
having a dance with them.

It's just Warwick who looked a bit
fed up and not up for it.

Hmm.

What's that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know whether he knew that,
you know, there was...

There could be, sort of,
issues between me

and gypsies and the fact that they
like to touch me for luck -

I don't know.

My head seems to be the luckiest
point on me, actually.

The body isn't quite so good.

He said a few people were
getting sly touches in.

Like, coming up with reasons
to touch his head.

"Oh. You've got a fly in your head,
there."

Sort of rubbing his head
for a bit of luck. Oh. Luck, yeah.

But I think it's
a load of old bollocks,

cos I've been with him for a while
and he's pissing me right off.

Nice. Thank you.

Been hard work.
Warwick annoyed me a little bit...

When we first got here.

I was working my arse off, there,
dancing around, getting them

all excited, into it.

He's sat in here, doing fuck all.

Suddenly, they're
showing a bit of interest in him

and his Hollywood career
and his family and all that lot.

He's got his album out.
So, yeah, he's loving that.

That's my children.

We were in Hollywood,
that's where the films...

(ALL) Oh. Harrison.

Sam, my wife, there.

We went on holiday.
Do you have a holiday?

You're always on holiday.
There's the car - I've got a car.

That's a flag.

I haven't really got any...pigeon.
It's a bit bad really.

I haven't got a picture of Suzanne,
but I've got a picture of a pigeon.

How was last night?

Yeah. Slept...slept alright,
really, considering...

I had cling film for a blanket.

I think he slept alright.
I woke up a few times.

He was just there, wrapped up,
sealed all the way round.

Like a little samosa.

So, in that way,
he is cut out for this.

I know I've been saying
all along that he's not up to it,

but if it comes to sleeping in little
holes and crevices...

He's ideal.

Hello.
Morning.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Will you stop puffing and panting
like that, it's really...

I don't want to breath heavily.

It stinks of goat shit everywhere.

Right.
I've been checking the guide book

and I found something that
you might like.

The Sufi religion is very
popular here.

They practice mystical exercises,
you know,

to get into a spiritual trance.

I think you need to find yourself,
Karl. No. It really isn't a problem.

Is this it?

I mean, what have YOU done that's
spiritual, really?

I was hypnotised
by Paul McKenna once.

Hello. Hello there.
How are you? I'm Warwick. I'm Karl.

You come in here every day.

So... What's... Sorry, what are
these, then? This is...

What do you mean, what is it? He's
not growing tomatoes, is he?

It's coffins.

He was a professor in school.

Will there be a place for you?

This.

Are you happy with that?
Are you happy with this as a space?

Right below the lightbulb.

It doesn't feel like a graveyard.
There's something a little bit more.

No, it does. It does feel like a
graveyard.

It's more majestic, somehow.

Mad, innit?

You think it's mad? I just want to
remember them how they were.

I don't want stuff in the basement.

It's like a car showroom,
the way they're all stacked up.

I couldn't imagine this ever...
Well, it wouldn't catch on.

We wouldn't allow it at home -
there's no way.

You have to get permission
to have a conservatory.

But why wouldn't we allow it?
I don't understand what's so odd.

When you come to sell it. People are
up there going, "Oh. This is nice.

"Ooh. What's down here for storage?"

And you come in here, "There's
Elsie, there's auntie Jean."

I don't know why you can't just
accept things for the way they are.

You just want to always
change stuff. I don't want...

This has been happening for 150
years, like this.

I'm not happy with this - I tell you.
I would not be happy with this.

(SIGHS)

OK. Cheers.

(CHANTS)

(ALL CHANT)

It's fine, to start with,
everyone's having a good time.

Running around in circles,
having a dance, praying,

doing the what's-her-name.

(ALL CHANT)

Suddenly, I thought,
I was doing that thing.

Doing that. I thought,
"Oh, yeah, that's interesting."

Then, bosh, in the face.
It knocked me for six.

Fella put one right through here.
He showed me all the scars.

One there. A load here.

Putting it through there... It's
like a game of Kerplunk -

the way he's just sticking
shit in him.

What makes me laugh is, when I'm at
home, if I get a toothpick and put
it in my mouth and mess with it,

Suzanne's going, "Don't do that -
it's dangerous." Wait until she...

If she ever has a go at me again
about messing with a toothpick, I'll
go, "Watch that."

(CHANTING)

You like to try?
No. No. No.

Honest to God.

Was Warwick nearly sick?

I looked down at one point and he was
sort of throwing up in his hat.

It was shocking -
you've got to admit that.

Seeing it. And then he starts
saying, "Oh. We better get him out.

He's going to be
sick on the carpet." Well, I wasn't.

He told us he was all right.

There was definitely a point where
he kept turning round and going.

And I was worried,
cos there's so many mats in there.

If he's sick, about seven mats have
to go to the dry cleaners.

All over the shop.

I've not seen that on the telly -
I've never seen it.

Songs of Praise on a Sunday -
it's well boring.

I mean, I don't want to see that.

I don't want to see old people
dancing around to Lord's prayer,

sticking knives in their head,
but does it make any difference?

Does it mean they believe in
something more...because they do
that?

It's going well.
Erm...we're in Macedonia, of course.

Went to that religious
ceremony yesterday.

It was a bit full-on.

Now Karl's just sat with his
headphones on, not really talking.

Cheers. Bye.

Is this safe? Of course it is.

It's string and...
Electric wires everywhere.

It's just fucking stupid.

Wanted to do the Marco Polo route.

It's cool.
You're going to be weightless.

It's something
he went on about ages ago.

He kept going on about how
he'd love to stick me

on a load of balloons
and get me in the air.

It's not normal, is it,
for a mate to be wanting that?

Warwick, hold the end, do something.

You're here. I haven't seen you do
anything since we've been away.

I took some pictures.

Jump.

Oh, yes!

Fucking nettles.

Arg! Fucking hell. It
hurts on the come down, doesn't it?

It looks great, thought.
It's really colourful.

I created a new arse.

It's good TV.

That's it. Get the seat round.

That's it. Cheers.

That's better. That's...

(LAUGHS)

You...bastard.

Is it better to run off the hill?

For the record, go!

Ridiculous run.

Come on!

Go!

No good.

Warwick, you'll have to do it.

I'm not doing it.
Come on, Warwick. No. No. No.

Why not? Well...
I don't think I need to.

We've got what we... That's his
answer to everything since I've been
here.

"No. I don't want to."

Being short, you see, I don't
really like heights that much.

Don't mess about. I'm not messing
about. The kids want it. Get him up.

There you go, they love it.
Come on. Don't let the kids down.

I'm not letting the kids down.

Do that little dare for the kids.
Sit in it.

The thing doesn't even fit me,
though, does it?

Come on. No. It's too big.
Get in...

No. I don't think this is going to
work on me, is it?

Yeah, it is.
It's going to be brilliant.

There's far too many balloons,
surely? This is ridiculous.

(LAUGHS)

Not too high Karl. Not too high.

You drowned me the other day -
no-one cared.

We've got a dwarf on a balloon -
there's no danger.

Oh! He's bobbing up and down.

No-one cares.

Why didn't you should this concern
with me on the jetpack?

I did. You didn't. You went, "Oh.
That's a bit of a let down."

This will make up for it.

It's funny from down there, innit?

I never had a kite.

Ooh! Look at him go.

I reckon that's brought us
closer together.

Ow!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

No. I didn't do it, in the end.

There wasn't enough balloons
so they couldn't lift me,

so I stuck Warwick in it.

I stuck Warwick in it.
He's was quite happy. I wasn't.

You were. It's fine.

He was happy.

I wasn't. Hang on a minute.

Why is it all right for me to do it,
but he's lugging around with me

and he's not doing anything?

Ricky, not being funny
but I've seen people on balloons,

I've never seen a little
fella on one.

Warwick's enjoyed himself -
there isn't a problem.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah. I'm here.

Yeah. I'm all right.
I didn't enjoy it, though.

I mean, it was ridiculous.

We had the local kids,
they were the safety.

They were holding onto the ropes.

Anything could have happened.
It was their best day ever.

He just would have gone up.

But...the same thing for me.

Honestly, if you offered me
a cat now, I'd do a swap.

(RICKY LAUGHS)

Next time on An Idiot Abroad.

Right.
It's time to hit the road again.

You're continuing your journey
via India.

I just love the atmosphere.
Already, you can feel it.

You can feel the energy, can't you?

Brilliant, Warwick.
"Bring them over," he said.

"Good to have some company."

Arg!

What does this look mean?
Very handsome.

Do a little bit from Oliver.

That's it. That's good.

(TRAIN HORN BLARES)

What you're going to see now, we'll
never get a chance to see again.

I don't want it to be,

like, one of those shows where it's
just pure exploitation.