American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - Prom - full transcript

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Okay! We're all set for prom.

I just booked us a limo

and paid extra to have them stretch it.

- I can't wait.
- But you know the deal.

You have to complete
your life skills list first.

I've been checking stuff
off the list all week.

In fact, there's only one item left.

Number 70... "Teach Dad
to shoot a three-pointer."

Why is this on the list?

KATIE: Because it's hilarious.

Because I want Taylor to learn



to communicate effectively

while also spending some time with you.

- Smart.
- Mm-hmm.

Mr. A, you'll be shooting
threes in no time

because Taylor is an awesome teacher.

If it wasn't for her,

I'd still be rocking Velcro shoes.

The trick was to say "loops"
instead of "bunny ears."

Trip didn't like imagining
tying bunny ears together.

Because then he couldn't breathe.

- Crom is gonna be the best.
- The best.

You guys can't go to prom.
You're sophomores.

That's right.
You losers are going to prom

while Cooper and I are attending
the hottest party of the year.



- Crom!
- Crom!

What the hell is Crom?

It's the prom alternative
Cooper's throwing on his yacht

that's gonna be way better
than any school dance.

Crom has everything...

Mock-tails, designer life vests,

and DJ Khaled.

At prom, Principal Ablin is
spinning from 6:00 to 8:00.

Then his deejay alter ego MouseFace

is taking over from 8:00 to 10:00.

Do you want to help me pick out
the hors d'oeuvres for Crom tonight?

I've got five local caterers
battling it out.

The winner not only gets the gig,

they become sous-chef
for my Goldendoodles.

I can't. I have to go.

I have a shift at Teen Help Line.

But I'm a teen. I need help.

Do I serve seared foie gras
with mission fig,

or do I go with the classic
French Coquilles Saint-Jacques?

I hear you.

It's important to know
that you're not alone.

Teens all across the country

are going through exactly the same...

You know what?
It doesn't work with this.

Hi.

Bye.

- Anna-Kat, don't run off.
- [Door closes]

Come here and tell me about your day.

Ugh. Seriously?

So, she's officially a tween.

I hate the yelling,
but I do enjoy the part

where they think they've
discovered The Beatles.

She's still a baby.

What?

How was the day with your friends?

- Good.
- What did you guys do?

Stuff.

Can you give me
more than one word, please?

Yes. Byeeeee.

I'm getting iced out.

They say parenting is a long
process of letting go.

It's really a long process

of getting yelled at and pushed away.

I don't know why I let you
talk me into having kids.

This is on you.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪

[Sighs]

Principal Ablin just e-mailed.

Apparently, there have been
instances of hurt feelings

in Anna-Kat's class,

and he wants the parents

to talk to the kids about bullying.

- I think that's a very good idea.
- You would.

Principal Ablin is overreacting.

When I was a kid,
everyone got teased a little,

and it helped build character.

- You were teased, too?
- Of course not.

I did the teasing,
and I built a lot of character.

If someone teased you, you would say,

"Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but words will never hurt me."

But words do hurt, Katie.

Not more than sticks!

If we make a big deal about
"instances of hurt feelings,"

then Anna-Kat will never become

the strong person
that we want her to be.

Interesting coming from a woman
who bullied her gym teacher

until he quit his job.

It wasn't my fault.

He was a grown man named Carroll.

Blame his parents.

♪

Okay, guys, I have a couple
of prom calls on hold.

We are going to have
a high volume of them today

because it is the weekend
of Westport prom.

And Crom!

All dances can bring out
feelings of rejection,

so this is a tough time for the kids.

And me.

Deborah, with all due respect,

you don't have to start every shift

with a personal, traumatic story.

You're right. [Chuckles nervously]

I wore a back brace in high school,

so nobody asked me to prom.

My dad was my date.

All normal so far, but at the dance,

he ditched me for the Prom Queen.

[Chuckles] But it all worked out

because she is now my stepmother.
[Chuckles]

Let's have a great shift!

- [Telephone rings]
- Hello, this is Teen Help Line.

What's on your mind today?

FEMALE CALLER: Hi, I'm calling

because I'm feeling kinda down.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

What's making you feel this way?

Prom, I guess.

No one asked me out because of my looks.

[Sighs] That's awful.

But remember, looks aren't everything.

It's personality that counts.

You're just saying that
because it's in the script.

Okay, it's in the script. But it's true.

But you don't even know if
I have a good personality or not.

Well, tell me about yourself.

Who's your favorite musician?

That's a tough question.

You're gonna have to give me a sec.

Well, you're taking your time
to think about it,

- which makes you a thoughtful person.
- Thanks.

Just as long as you don't say
Ed Sheeran or something,

you're officially awesome.

Okay, I've thought about it.

My favorite musician is Ed Sheeran.

[Both laugh]

Oh, look at that! You're laughing.

What do you guys do when you
make someone feel better?

You get to, like,
ring a bell or something?

Tickets spew out of a slot in the desk,

and I redeem them at the prize counter.

If I get you to say,
"That really helped,"

I'll have enough to get
a bamboo back scratcher.

Good to know.

Why aren't you saying
I really helped you?

Because then we'd be done talking,

and I'm not ready for that.

Ah, love that smile.
When do you turn 18?

Don't answer that.

♪

Are you sure that's right?
That seems kind of far.

Don't think about the distance.

Just bend at the knees
and follow through.

Okay.

Here goes nothing.

Okay, well, maybe think about
the distance a little bit.

Dad, I see what you did wrong,
but good news...

it's totally fixable.

In order to make the shot,
you need to aim at the basket.

I was.

Well, crap.

♪

Oops.

Uh-oh.

Ohh! So close!

Get there!

[Grunts]

Oh! That's on me.

Mr. A, I really want
to go to prom with Taylor.

Shooting a three-pointer
is not that hard, okay?

Just do what I do.
Just grab the ball and toss it in.

You don't even have to look at the hoop.

Just grab and toss it.

See?

I'm sorry, kids.

I-I have played basketball before,

but for some reason,
I can't make this shot.

Taylor, you've completed
your list except for this,

and that's close enough.

You have my permission
to go to the prom.

Whoo! We're going to prom!

- No.
- What?

I thought I was finally getting
the hang of conversations.

I made a promise to check
every item off that list...

every item.

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

The whole point of this list

was to teach me to see things through

and not to be such a screw-up.

And I'm not gonna stop now.

But, babe, your dad is,
like, so, so, so, so,

so bad at basketball.

All sports, really.

♪

I don't know.

I guess it's just a bunch
of really old people

who live in apartments in New York,

and there's a monkey.

Yeah, I don't get "Friends" either.

Hmm.

Guys at school are idiots.

Anybody would be lucky
to go to prom with you.

Well, how about you?

How about me, what?

Do you want to go to prom with me?

Uh...

Oh, no, I made it awkward.

- It was stupid to ask.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's just there's
a procedure here, and...

Forget I said anything.
You helped me a lot.

You earned yourself
that bamboo back scratcher.

You know what? Screw procedure.

I'd love to go to prom with you.

Really?

They don't let me ask
for your information,

so I'll give you mine.

My name is Oliver,
and I live at 23 Woody Lane.

Great. I'll pick you up
tomorrow night at 7:00.

See you then.

Oh, you look happy.

You're making our callers happy.

D-Do you think I look happy?

So happy.

Mm-hmm.

♪

If you got points for shooting
the ball in our rose bushes,

I'd be the leading scorer.

Our daughter is being bullied.

What?

I just found this
in Anna-Kat's backpack.

"You suck. Tilly."

Principal Ablin knew
that my baby was being bullied,

and his only response was an e-mail!

I want that man to be given a swirly

and shoved in a locker!

What happened to "bullying
builds character"?

You didn't marry me
for my consistency, Greg!

You married me for a body
that you foolishly thought

would stay the same after kids!

That's on you.

Hey, let's not bring up
the note to Anna-Kat.

- Why not?
- I found it

while doing my weekly
deep snoop into her stuff.

Let's just talk
about bullying in general

and see how she reacts.

Okay, but you really should

stop snooping on the kids.

Without my snooping,

we wouldn't know anything
about our children.

And I also wouldn't know
that you've been shopping around

for a backyard chicken coop.

That's not happening.
Clear your browser.

I know you know how to do it.

Anna-Kat, it's time for bed.

Anything you want to talk about?

No. Good night.

But you know you can talk to us
about anything, right?

Anything?

Anything.

Okay.

I want to talk about you guys leaving

and letting me go to bed.

Good night!

- We can talk about that...
- Mm-hmm.

...but we can also talk about bullying.

If you're being bullied,
you can come to us.

Okay.

I'm being bullied by a boy

whose breath smells like almonds

and a girl who dresses
like a lazy lumberjack.

Good night!

[Light switch clicks]

♪

[Sighs]

That was meaner than it needed to be.

Anna-Kat isn't icing us out.

She's too afraid of her bully
to talk to us.

[Exhales sharply] This is bad.

We have to figure out what to do.

It's okay. You don't have
to worry. I'll handle it.

Do you think saying
"I'll handle it" is reassuring?

Because it almost never is.

♪

What is the best way to get back
at Anna-Kat's bully...

who's a child... without breaking laws?

Just find an offensive word
that rhymes with her name.

You know, like Silly Tilly
or Shrilly Tilly.

- It's too bad her name isn't Lanus.
- [Scoffs]

I get a tad crazy
when someone hurts Anna-Kat.

When she was 3,

a little boy grabbed a juice box
out of her hand,

- and I bit him.
- You bit a child?

Calm down. Etiquette police over here.

Okay, just reach out to Tilly's mom.

It's the only reasonable approach.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll invite Tilly's mom out to lunch.

Do you know how to make a horse noise?

What?

[Whinnies, sputters]

[Scoffs] I don't think so. Why?

Well, then, you could've gone
with Tilly the Filly.

But without the horse noise,
it doesn't work.

Mm.

♪

You're ditching Crom to go to prom

with some lonely
Teen Help Line chica loca?!

I'm sorry, dude. It just happened.

I want to go to Crom,

but I have to do the right thing.

What if ditching your prom date
is doing the right thing?

- I'm listening.
- She hasn't even confirmed!

She might be blowing you off.

I'm not following, but I want to. Go on.

A senior girl asks out
a sophomore to prom. Why?

Because they made a connection
over the phone?

Don't think so.

She's messing with you.

Why would she do that?

Because it's funny and cruel,

and that's the world we live in.

[Exhales sharply]
That makes so much sense.

I'm not gonna spend my night
being ridiculed.

I'm going to Crom!

Yeah, and for doing the right thing,

here's your reward.

A dry cleaning receipt?

For our matching tuxes.

- Crom!
- Crom!

♪

Katie.

You must be Stephanie.

Have a seat.

KATIE: Be cool.
This woman is not your enemy.

She's just another mom trying her best.

Thank you for meeting with me.

[Sighs] Of course.

Thanks for reaching out

about the bullying
that's going on at school.

Well, I tried to play nice,

but she clearly isn't interested

in a civil discussion.

Listen, lady,
your daughter is the bully.

- Tilly?
- Yes, Tilly.

She left this note
in my daughter's backpack.

Normally, I wouldn't judge
a person's parenting,

but since you raised a bully,

I can say that you're a bad mom.

And not in the fun Mila Kunis way.

You're Christina Applegate.

I don't know what that means.
I didn't see the movie.

Neither did I,

but the trailer made it quite clear.

This note doesn't mean
what you think it means.

It doesn't say "You suck. Tilly."

It says "You suck Tilly."

I didn't know who was leaving
all of these notes

in Tilly's locker, but now I do.

Anna-Kat has been bullying my daughter,

and I see where she gets it from.

♪

[Sighs]

I just met with Tilly's mom.

Anna-Kat is not being bullied.

She's the bully.

- Anna-Kat?
- Yes!

I can't believe it, either!

Where did she learn this behavior?

TV? Video games?

All the stories you tell about
teasing the uncool kids

when you were popular?

I'm sorry, Greg,
but I don't see the link.

TV did it.

Specifically that penguin documentary

that you showed her last week.

I'm actually curious to see
if you'll stick the landing.

Those penguins were super mean

to the other penguins
that didn't have eggs.

That's bullying.

Now that I think about it,

this whole situation is your fault!

Ohhh! Broke your leg on the dismount.

Béla Károlyi is carrying you
off the mat.

How on Earth do you know
nothing about sports

except for women's gymnastics?

♪

Anna-Kat, can you explain this?

This is what I tell my friends...

you thought he was rich.

Not our marriage. This.

Where'd you get those?

From Tilly's mother.

They're yours, right?

Yeah.

Look, I know it was wrong
to write those notes,

but the cool girls said I should do it.

They thought it was funny.

And... I don't know, I just...

I don't know.

It's not cool to be mean.

But you were cool.

Okay, I'm partly to blame here,

but the penguin movie did not help.

When I was growing up, it's true,

I was one of the cool girls.

I was the coolest.

I was the hottest,
most popular girl in school.

Do you have a handle on this?

But I didn't raise you to be like me.

I raised you to be better than me.

How adorable are we?

Guys, not now.

Why would you even do that
to another girl?

I don't have a reason.

I know what it's like
to be bullied for no reason.

It all started
when I made the winning shot

in a basketball game.

Back up a bit.

You were on a basketball team?

I was the equipment manager,
but I did get to go in

for one play in one game.

Tell us more because there's
no way this isn't a funny story.

I was a sophomore in high school.

My team was down by two.

[Whistle blows]

[Indistinct conversations]

Otto, you're in.

Me?

Yeah, it's a jump ball,
and you're the tallest.

[Chuckles]

[Shoes squeak]

♪

♪

[Slow-mo] Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!

♪

[Slow-mo] Pass the ball!

♪

[Buzzer sounds]

♪

[Cheering]

♪

You shot it in the wrong hoop, Otto.

You lost us the game.

Oh, no.

Still. It feels nice to be appreciated.

Man, you've been Gregging stuff up

since you were a kid, huh?

I made the winning shot,
just for the wrong team.

I must've blocked that part out.

I wonder if this has anything
to do with the fact

that I can't make a three-pointer now.

At Teen Help Line, we're taught
that childhood bullying

can have long-lasting effects
even into adulthood.

And that's why you need to
apologize to Tilly.

- I will.
- But that's not all, Anna-Kat.

I'm finally following through
with the punishment

that I've been threatening you with
since you were 5.

I'm signing you up for soccer.

- No.
- And you're going to go

to every practice and every game,

and I'm going to buy your father
a little foldy chair,

and he's gonna sit on the
sidelines and cheer you on.

And I will watch from the car
where there's air conditioning.

Thanks for telling me
that story, Mr. Otto,

because now I know
Oliver can't go to Crom.

Are you serious?

We both know your prom date

probably isn't a prank.

She'll show up here,
realize you blew her off,

and go home and sit on her couch

in her prom dress, all devastated.

You heard your dad's story.

If you ditch her,
it could bum her out for life.

I'll go to prom.

But I've gotta say, this
new empathetic version of me?

I don't care for it.

[Sighs]

Mom, I guess you have to
fire up "Dirty Dancing."

Trip and I are staying home tonight.

No.

After my realization,

I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I'm gonna try the three-pointer
one more time.

All right, Dad!

Get out there and remember
everything I taught you.

Wait, Mr. A, you're forgetting
your magical headband!

I don't need it anymore, Trip.

The magic is inside me.

[Door opens]

♪

- You've got this, babe.
- Let's go, Dad.

Come on, Mr. A. Nothing but net...

or rim or backboard.

Or really anything. Just get it in.

Let's go, Dad!

[Exhales sharply]

I hit the rim!

You're so close! Keep going, Dad!

- [Vehicle approaches]
- Hey, I think your date's here.

It's just one night, right?
I'll make the best of it.

[Car door closes]

♪

Is that Lindsey Coolidge?

- Are you my prom date?
- Yes, I am.

Oh, oh, no, he's kidding.

I'm the one who talked
to you on the phone.

- Mm.
- Oliver Otto.

- Hi, Lindsey.
- Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, Lindsey, these are my parents.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

She's going to the prom with Oliver?

Just another
in the long line of Otto men

punching above their weight.

- You ready?
- Yes.

Just one quick question.

You said no one asked you
to prom because of your looks.

Every guy at school either
thought I had a date

or was too intimidated to ask.

Have fun at Crom.

- [Scoffs]
- [Helicopter whirring]

[Spotlight clacks]

What the...?

My helicopter's here to take me to Crom.

[Car horn honks]

Oh, our ride's here, too.

Greg, it's time.

Throw me the rock.

♪

♪

[Cheering]

You did it, Dad!

Taylor! You finished the list!

[Squeals]

Pilot, set that spotlight to disco!

[Spotlight clacks]

Music!

[Disco music plays]

Oh!

♪

Your family seems like fun.

[Chuckles] Yeah, you caught us
on a good night.

♪

♪

- Okay, mark.
- Here we go.

I got the high score on Pop-a-Squat.

- [Laughter]
- Pop-a-Squat?

So, you crapped in the parking lot

- and got a... got an award?
- Basically, Greg.

I've never been more proud
of the Otto family.

Well, Dr. Ellie's class
is for special education.

- [Car horn honks]
- Oh. Sorry, I hit the horn.

[Laughter]

Batman!

- Oh.
- DIRECTOR: Cut!

- Sorry.
- [Laughter]

Ah.

- Glittermane is single again.
- [Horse clatters]

[Whinnies, sputters loudly]

[Laughs, sputters]

[Laughter]

♪

[Crew member laughs]

Remember when we were trying to
sleep train Anna-Kat

and you... [Chuckles]
[Speaking gibberish]

[Laughs]

- Remember when you tried to sleep...
- [Both laugh]

[Laughing] Remember when you
tried to sleep train...

[Laughs]

[Laughs] I'm so sorry.

[Laughs]

♪

MAN: All right, last question
of Round 1.

On the Risk board, what territories...

[Laughter]

Oh, no. [Laughing]
What's the oldest child's name?

- What's Meg's...
- Taylor.

[Laughs]

- Isn't it amazing?
- [Laughs]

- ♪ Isn't it amazing? ♪
- ♪ Isn't it amazing? ♪

...course. I sounded really
drunk at the top of that.

Can I do it one more time?

And he's boozing it up!

- One second.
- Is this a joke?

I'm sorry. C-Could we get
a wipe for her feet?

[Indistinct chatter]

- [Laughter]
- [Squeals]

I know. It's so ticklish.

The weekly lasagna tournament
canceled their poker order.

Why are all of our clients canceling?

That wasn't right.

I was like, "When in doubt,
it's my time to talk."

[Screaming] Mom!

[Thud]

- I'm sorry.
- DIRECTOR: And cut.

[Laughter]

I pushed the zombie away.

I was looking at the Venn diagram,

and I think I discovered
something we have in common.

That's amazing. What is it?

We're on a television show together.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Amazing!
- I know. [Chuckles]

[Laughter]

DIRECTOR: Cut. Cut, cut, cut.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com