American Housewife (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Graduation - full transcript

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Anna-Kat, are you done
with your breakfast?

Anna-Kat!

Did you know the Wildflower Girls Camp

has a ropes course, canoeing,
and horseback riding?

Yeah... kids change.

The packing list says
that fifth graders and above

need to bring feminine hygiene products,

which means this could be my year!

Can you believe it?

Anna-Kat is going to sleepaway camp!

We have taken her from being a weirdo



to a strong, confident girl.

She just gave her dad
a high-five about menstruating.

She still has
a little weirdo left in her.

Kate. Donks.

Read the latest draft
of the book. Love it.

The ending still needs a little work,
so meet me in our office.

Uh, we might be working late,
so I brought you

some of those canned
protein drinks for old women.

This is the fifth conclusion
he's shot down.

I keep trying to be poignant,
but I guess

I'll just give him
what he wants... a happy ending.

- Thanks for not saying anything.
- Mm-hmm.

Mom!

The list for graduation
came out, and I'm not on it!



It's only two days away! What was it?

You didn't turn a paper in?

You forgot to fill out some forms?

No, my freshman year, I gave you
a library book to return,

and you never did.

That sounds about right.

I'm not going to graduate
because of you!

Okay, calm down. I'm your mother.

I'll take care of it.

Okay. Thank you.

And, Taylor, a little gratitude
would be nice.

I literally just said "Thank you."

To be fair, I wasn't listening.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

I like all your endings,

but they're not making me
want to hit "Subscribe."

I don't know what else
to say about your life.

You're only 25 years old.

You shoot your friends
with paintball guns,

then buy them fast-food franchises.

I do do that.

I still think we need a great ending,

and you and I are not gonna rest
until we come up with one.

That's smart.

I need my lady sharp tonight.

Next year's gonna be amazing.
We'll be juniors.

We can drive ourselves to school.

We'll be in that
hot Spanish teacher's class.

Señora Campos!

So, me and Kelly, we didn't know
if we were gonna stay together

while she's at Penn and I'm at Tufts.

But then we took that online quiz

"Are You and Your High School
Sweetheart Built to Last?"

and it looks like we totally are.

Well, Trip and I
don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, she's staying in town
taking a gap year,

and I'm going to college.

I'm just not sure where to apply yet.

You had to apply months ago.

Oh.

I guess I'm taking a gap year, too.

We should take the quiz anyway.

Just for fun.

Well, yeah, even if it's just for fun,

I'm supposed to
get extra time to take it.

It's in my chart.

What do you mean, you don't
want me to go to camp?!

It looks so fun!

There's no more dangerous place
in the world than summer camp.

Except maybe Olive Garden.

Those unlimited breadsticks
are dangerous to my waistline.

How could it be dangerous?

It's just super-fun activities.

They have dodgeball.

More like death-ball.

- Water skiing.
- Water-dying.

Arts and crafts.

Arts and dying. I can do this all day.

Wow.

I was so excited, but I hadn't
really considered all the...

All the dying? I know. No one does.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna
have to say no to this idea.

I'm glad I talked to you before I went.

I probably saved your life today.

Slow down, punks.

Katie! Just the person I wanted to see.

Ablin, for the thousandth time,
I don't plan parties anymore,

so I'm not going to do
your strange wedding.

It's not strange to wear a kilt.

You're not Scottish.

I get sweaty when I get nervous,

and it's the only
socially acceptable way

for me to ventilate my nethers.

Ugh.

Excuse me.

Tara. What are you doing here?

I volunteer two afternoons a week.

Because I care about
giving back to the community.

What do you want, Katie?

I have to pay Taylor's library
fine so that she can graduate.

The book is four years late.

Paying a fine isn't
even an option anymore.

Just says "See administrator."

Tara, can you just help me out?

I promise I'll stop bringing the class

vegan cupcakes that are
not even remotely vegan.

You what?

You can't bake without eggs.
Everyone knows that.

Even you stupid vegans.

Even if I wanted to help you...
which I don't...

I can't.

It's a computer thing,
and I don't have the code

to override the system.

Who does?

So, you want your daughter to graduate,

but she can't unless I punch in
my administrative override code.

What to do? What to do?

Fine!

- I'll plan your wedding.
- Great.

So, during summer break,

Maria and I wish to take
a riverboat trip together.

But Mother will not
let us travel in sin.

You're a grown man.

One might say an old man.

Why do you still listen to your mother?

Because I don't want to get grounded.

In any event, we must be wed
in the next two days.

The riverboat leaves out of Chicago

shortly after graduation.

It's not gonna be easy to throw
together a wedding at the last second.

What's your budget?

- $195.
- Ugh.

We spent all our money
on the riverboat cruise,

but it's top-of-the-line.

We're only sharing our room
with four other couples.

I guess I could pull together a small...

No. Maria's always dreamed
of a big wedding.

Can you get the guest list
together in time?

Oh, that'll be easy.

Neither of us have much family,

and our friend will be
out of town that day.

Then how is it going to be big?

That's up to you to figure out,

if you want your daughter to graduate.

Anything else?

Yes.

Maria wants to walk down
the aisle to bagpipes,

and she wants the whole thing
professionally videoed.

You want all that for $195?

Ooh!

Actually...

$191.55.

I got a Starbucks this morning.

Basically, I'm being blackmailed.

In order for Taylor to graduate,
I have to plan Ablin's wedding.

That's so unfair.

Actually, it's kind of my fault.

Yeah, I had a feeling.

Where am I going to find 200 warm bodies

to sit quietly and watch a
couple of strangers get married?

Well, would you say there'd be
200 of those warm bodies

at graduation?

Are you saying that Ablin and Maria

should get married
in the middle of graduation?

You've got the crowd,
you've got the venue.

And there are already
drinks and desserts afterward,

so you don't have to
pay for a reception.

Oh, my God! This could actually work!

I suppose I have to ask for permission.

Who is in charge
of the graduation committee?

- Tara Summers.
- Huh.

If I didn't know better,

I'd think all my feuds
make my life more difficult.

I'm done with the quiz.

I just finished my last question.

Here we go.

Whoo! We did it!

What are you talking about?

It says we're
a "dumpster fire of a couple."

Yeah. Dumpster fires are good.

They make the lighting
in the alley all cool

for when the turtles
come out of the sewer

and beat up bad guys
and eat pizza and stuff.

No, dumpster fires are not good, Trip.

This quiz says
we're never gonna make it!

Babe, are you serious right now?

It's just an online quiz.

But Bailey and Garrett took it,
and they broke up because of it.

And they were perfect together.

Bailey and Garrett
don't have what we have.

I guess.

Also, Bailey and Garrett didn't
break up because of the quiz.

They broke up because they
found out they're first cousins.

Wow, you look terrible.

What happened?

Did one of your footmen
apply for parental leave?

Gustav did, and he's been spoken to.

But no, this is more serious than that.

My parents bought an estate
in Palm Beach.

Oh, that's sick, bro!

No, you don't understand.

They're selling our Westport estate.

We're moving to Florida.

Oh, so you're gonna take the
private jet to school every day?

No, because... I'll be
going to school down there.

Wait.

You're seriously moving?

Florida has no state income tax.

It was either there or the Caymans.

And my mother's allergic to conch,

so it's like, what's the point?

Dude, you can't go.

We've got plans.

Can't believe this is happening.

Florida.

I mean, I'm happy for you
fiscally, but...

I know.

Okay, I need someone who's
already a part of graduation

who's also ordained to marry them.

Plus a bagpiper.

Oh, the things you do for your kid.

Isn't this all your fault?

Like I would ever verbally
acknowledge any part in this.

Watch a cop show, Greg.

Oh, hey, honey.

So, I've decided
not to go to camp this summer.

What are you talking about?

You were so excited to go.

Well, I was, but then
I talked to Franklin,

and he said that camp is
way too dangerous

and is not on board with me going.

First of all, we would never

send you to a camp that wasn't safe.

And second, Anna-Kat,

I have raised you to be
an independent young woman.

If there is something
that you want to do,

don't ever let a boy get in your way.

Are you sure?

Franklin made it sound really scary.

He thinks everything's scary.

The kid's 11 years old
and wears a Life Alert necklace.

You're right!

I don't have to listen to Franklin

just because he's a boy.

Exactly. You don't have to
listen to anyone just because...

Quiet, you!

Pardon me, young man!

Yeah!

The ultimate prank...
the paintball bazooka!

I paid the robotics team
at MIT to create it.

Totally worth it.

Not worth it, but at least
we have an ending to your book.

Congrats, Lonnie. Pbht.

Mm, I-I don't know.

I think we move this up to the beginning

a-and then we try to figure out
a way to top ourselves.

You want to top yourself?
Do it on your own time.

I'm done with you,
and I'm done with this project!

Donks, don't be like that.

Fine! I don't need you!

I'll just go find another old dude!

There's a Tommy Bahama
three blocks from here!

Done.

Okay. I finished, too.

Let's try this again.

Fireworks!

No!

Nuclear bomb!

We are never gonna make it!

Maria, this wedding dress
belonged to my friend Doris.

It's custom-made, from Italy.

It's exquisite!

This has a fairly substantial burn mark.

Yeah, Doris got a little arson-y
after the divorce.

But it's free.

Maria, you're crafty. You can fix it.

She hemmed my pajamas into shorties.

They're quite short.

And who will be performing
our sacred vows?

I haven't nailed that down yet,
but don't worry.

I'm working on it.

Well, until you do figure it out,

your little piggy will
not be going to market.

Your little piggy will stay home.

I call all students little piggies.

Market is graduation. Home is home.

After all this,
the two of us are going back

to a more formal relationship.

Mrs. A, Taylor just told me to go home.

That stupid quiz is
messing with her head.

Don't pay attention to quizzes, Trip.

I literally never have.

But Taylor did, and now
she's really upset with me.

She won't even listen
to what I have to say.

What I suggest you do is
to trick her into hearing you.

Tricking is a major part
of any long-term relationship.

If only it was that easy
to get this wedding sorted out.

I don't even have someone to marry them.

I can do it.

- You have to be ordained.
- I'm ordained.

I did it online so I could

perform a marriage ceremony
for Anna-Kat's toy ponies,

Twinkle Toes and Duffy McSprinkles.

- She wanted it legal.
- That's amazing!

Now all I need is someone

who knows how to play the bagpipes.

Franklin wasn't available?

Franklin plays the bagpipes?

Yeah.

He joined a bagpiping group
as a way to rehab his asthma,

and it turned into a passion.

Then it's all set.

Taylor is gonna graduate!

You would've loved the ceremony, Mrs. A.

Duffy McSprinkles got cold hooves,

but a last-minute pep talk
from Starburst Von Clydesdale

sorted them out.

It was... beautiful.

You're quiet today.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, you took that the wrong way.

I like you quiet.

Well, I'm ready for
this graduation/wedding thing.

I think I have everything set.

The moment that they are married,

Ablin will allow Taylor to graduate.

So, is Lonnie meeting us there?

I've asked him to film the ceremony.

I don't know. We're not speaking.

- Oh.
- Well...

Is Franklin meeting us there
with his bagpipes?

No idea.

Ever since I told him

I'm still going to summer camp,
he's not talking to me.

Oh.

Okay.

Let's go! I'm ready to graduate.

We'll see.

What do you mean, "We'll see"?

You did take care
of my library fine, right?

I can't believe my baby's graduating.

Stop!

Works every time.

Hello, Westport Unified class of 2020!

Wow, we did it.

Come on, let's hear some applause.

Wow.

Even some of you I didn't even think

had the grades to graduate
are here today.

Nah, I'm just kidding. But anyway...

These last few years have been
some of the best of my life.

Lonnie! Thank God you made it.

Where's your video camera?

Yeah, don't worry. I got
my people all over this thing.

It's nice of you to show up, but
I'm still not talking to you.

You want a poignant ending? Here it is.

My whole world is about collecting likes

from people I don't know.

But the one person
that I actually want to like me

doesn't right now.

You know why
my book doesn't have an ending?

It's because I don't...
want this to end.

You and me.

Thanks for being you.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

Well... there'll probably be
a book tour, right?

Book tour.

Yes!

Oh! I didn't think of that.

Ooh, Badonks, with a brain
as big as his ass!

We're back!

We look forward to our future

with perfect, "class-of-2020" vision.

Thank you.

The smart kids get to talk
at these things every year.

What about the not-so-smart kids?

They have something to say, too.

So, with the lowest grade point average,

your "maledictorian," Trip Windsor.

What?!

Dearly beloved,

what is graduation
if not a celebration of love?

How is it a celebration of love?

Shh! The maledictorian is speaking!

...and the teachers who helped guide us

through these past
four... or five... years,

and most importantly, the love

between an administrator
and his girlfriend.

Franklin made it!
It's all coming together!

Greg, Oliver, go!

Will you give me away?

Sure.

Wouldn't be the strangest thing
that's happened today.

Ohh.

I'm gonna talk to Ablin
about whatever this is

and shut it down!

Love, like math,
it doesn't always make sense.

Like English, it doesn't
always make sense.

Like science,
it doesn't make sense at all.

But the difference is,
love doesn't have to make sense.

Because it's not something
that you learn.

There's no stupid quiz
that you have to pass,

'cause love is
making up words in Scrabble.

And yelling
"Swiper, no swiping" together.

It's something that you feel.

And I feel it, now and forever.

Maria.

Do you take Principal Ablin
to be your husband?

I do.

Principal Ablin, do you take
Maria to be your wife?

I do.

I now pronounce you principal and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Wait, wait, wait!

Does my daughter graduate?

Absolutely.

Everyone, afterward, please join us

for our wedding reception
in the main gymnasium.

You mean the PTA's
annual graduation buffet?!

Either way, we're playing "Brick House."

All right, now let me get one
with just the siblings.

Can you believe our baby graduated?

Just two more to get rid of.

Your sentimentality is touching.

Mm-hmm.

Aww.

Look at you.

You're upset your sister's graduating.

No. It's Cooper.

He's moving with his family to Florida.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know.

He's my best friend.

You know how hard it is

to find a best friend
who really gets you?

I know this is hard for you,
but maybe he's excited.

He doesn't want to go.

He never even sees his parents.

I don't get why they're
forcing him to do this.

I'm gonna miss him so much.

What am I gonna do, Mom?

I know you're mad at me,

but it was nice of you to show up today.

Bagpipers always see a job through.

Unlike harp players, who bolt
at the first sign of conflict.

I think it's nice
you're so worried about me,

but it's my decision to go
to summer camp, Franklin.

Nothing's gonna happen.

Oh, yes, it will!

You don't know what happens
at summer camp! I do!

It's where girls get their first kiss!

Is that what you're worried about?

Me kissing another boy?

You're a real dummy, Franklin.

There. Problem solved.

I don't have any guy friends,
so I have to brag to you.

I just got kissed by a really cute girl.

My last home-cooked dinner
with the Ottos,

where we use paper towels as napkins

and my food isn't plated properly.

I'm gonna miss this.

Cooper, there's something
I've got to tell you.

No, let me go first.

I didn't know what it meant
to be a part of a family

until I met you guys.

You're warm and messy and loud,

and you drink tap water,

which is just like
drinking out of the toilet.

Eww.

Move on to your next point.

You let me into your home
and made me a part of all that,

and I'll always be grateful.

I love you guys.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

Enough.

Greg and I had a conversation
with your parents.

If it's okay with you, they said

that you can live with us
until you graduate high school.

What?!

They'll send the jet for you
every other weekend.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Dude!
- Dude!

Dude!

Dude.

Okay.

What if I break into a delivery room,

I deliver someone's baby,

but at the last minute, I make
a switch and I hand them...

a live possum?

That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

But you know what?

Let's do it!

Let's just finish the book!

Sorry, but anyone over 30
likes an idea, it can't be good.

That's just science, bruh.