American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 19 - Vacation! - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Thanks to Anna-Kat

selling the most cookies
and winning this trip,

tomorrow, we'll be eating breakfast

in Hollywood, California.

It's our first real vacation.
It's gonna be awesome.

Sunshine, beaches,
celebrity sightings, no laundry.

If you run out of underwear,
you ride dirty.

This vacation is gonna be so much better

than our usual trip
to colonial Crapsburg.

And Valley Forge! Don't forget,
you guys hated that, too.

And while we're in California,



we're gonna be celebrating
your birthday... the big 4-0.

We're not gonna make
a big deal about my birthday.

It's a day like any other day,

so I don't want to be treated
any differently.

- You hear me?
- I hear you. No special treatment.

Now go help the kids finish packing.

I'm gonna go meet Doris and Angela.

You're going out now?

There's still so much to do
before we leave.

How can you give me
a hard time about this?

It's my birthday.

♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪



Did you remember to pack everything?

Swimsuits? Toiletries? Hats?

Nope, nope, and nope.

Then what have you got in here?

"The Big Finish: Rich, Famous,
and How They Died."

I want to go to
the Hollywood Walk of Fame

and find all the celebrities
that died horrible deaths.

Murder, drugs,
the occasional yacht mishap.

[Chuckles] Hollywood, baby.

Taylor, could you come in here?

Please help your sister pack.

Why do I always have to
take care of her?

Because the older sister takes
care of the younger sister.

It's been that way
for hundreds of years.

You know, back in colonial days,

- the eldest...
- Oh, my God. Enough! I'll do it!

Anna-Kat, I need you to make
room in your bag for this.

It's Mom's birthday gift.

I can't pack it with our stuff.
She'll find it.

I'll try to fit it in.

You know, you don't need to
take your pillow.

They have them at the hotel.

Did you know that after two years,

hotel pillows are mostly
dead skin cells?

I'm gonna go pack my pillow.

The best part about flying west
is you gain three hours.

You'll get there by lunch.

I don't know about that.

We have a long layover in Dallas.

So change your tickets to nonstop.

And first class.

And make it Monaco.

[Scoffs] We can't just
change the tickets.

We won this trip.

We have to take what they give us.

They can't tell you what to do.

Last time I checked,
this was still America.

You know regular people

can't just switch flights
whenever they want.

It's actually the first time

my family's taken a plane to a vacation,

so don't ruin this for me.

All right, I hear you.
I was totally out of line.

[Drawer opens]

But you've, like, been to Monaco, right?

[Drawer slams]

You just don't get anything
about me or my reality.

I don't feel seen or known by you.

"Seen or known"?

Working at Teen Help Line's
made you super emo, dude.

[Scoffs] Oh, yeah.

You know, this vacation's
come at a perfect time.

I need a break from you.

Well, did you ever stop and think

I need a break from you, too?

Great.

- Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...
- What are you doing?

Stopping myself from saying
something I might regret.

No, say it.

You can't pull off that belt.

Get... out.

♪

This is from me and Doris.

Happy 40th, honey.

- Thank you.
- Just promise not to open it

- until the night of your birthday.
- Mm-hmm.

So, 40.

How you dealing with that?

I don't care about 40. Bring it on.

It's just one step closer to 48,

when the last kid
is finally out of the house.

Then it'll be Katie time all the time.

- [Chuckles]
- What about Greg?

By then, he'll probably have,
like... a train set?

[Both laugh]

What are you guys gonna do in L.A.?

I want to go to that restaurant PUMP

and meet Lisa Vanderpump
from "Real Housewives."

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.

LVP rules!
She is the best of the H-wives.

- Mm-hmm.
- She's British,

so when she calls you a whore,

- it sounds polite.
- [Chuckles]

And then we'll do
whatever vacation stuff

everybody else wants to do.

I hate to break it to you,
but you ain't going on vacation.

You're going on a family trip.

What's the difference?

A vacation is when you do
what makes you happy.

A family trip is when you drag
your kids all over the place,

everyone is arguing about
where to go and what to do,

and by the end,

you realize that your friend
who chose to stay single

was actually right.

Okay, don't listen to her, Katie.

This trip is for everyone.

This is also the first time
your family's traveling

to a place where no one's
wearing a bonnet.

Crapsburg!

My advice... ditch the kids
and do what you want to do.

Take a vacation, Katie,
not a family trip.

I can do both.

Oh! That's what Angela said

when she was dating
those two women at once.

How'd that turn out?

One's in a coma...

and the other one's in jail.

That's on Angela.

I got this.

♪

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

- Ah!
- [Gasps]

I'm gonna go check us in.

- Wow!
- Whoa!

[Laughing] Oh, my gosh.

This is awesome!

This is the first time

we've stayed anywhere
with an actual lobby.

And I'm not worried we're gonna
be murdered here tonight.

There's a complimentary
continental breakfast

on the mezzanine level
between 8:00 and 10:00!

You know what that means, kids.

ALL: Load up our pockets with muffins.

Cooper?

What are you doing here?

I don't like to go to bed angry.

I took my jet here so we could talk.

Huh. Must be nice.

This place is pretty cool.

Yeah, the Ottos are finally
doing it right.

But it's not on the beach.

You know what you got to do?

Rent yourself a place in Malibu.

I can't afford that.

Sure you can! It's just the 'Bu.

- You just don't get it.
- What?

You keep suggesting things
that I can't do.

And it's embarrassing to keep
saying, "I can't do that."

I'm 12 hours away from
stuffing muffins in my pockets.

You know what?

I really want to understand
what's going on with you.

Okay.

Tomorrow, let's go out in L.A.

I'll show you
what it feels like to be me.

The bottles of water
on the nightstand are free!

But don't touch the big FIJI.

♪

We have a rain shower.

That's nice.

And a toilet that flushes
different for ones and twos.

That's great.

What are you watching?

I hired Maria to stay at the
house and take care of Luthor.

We have a camera in the living room?

Yeah, we put it in to spy on Taylor

when she first started dating Trip.

- What?! Oh, my God!
- Relax!

We stopped watching after the 15th time

you guys tried to play "Clue"
and couldn't figure it out.

[Groans]

Principal Ablin?

- Ewwwww!
- Oh. Oh, no.

I told Maria no boys!

Okay, here's what we're doing tomorrow.

We're all meeting up with Cooper
in Beverly Hills...

No! I want to go to
the wax museum and Venice Beach!

I want to see the Walk of Fame!

I want to see the Michelangelo
exhibit at the Getty.

Great, great, great.
We're not doing any of that.

We're going to go to PUMP

so that I can try to see
the queen, Lisa Vanderpump.

But I promised Cooper I'd meet him!

No one would be here
if I hadn't won this trip!

I want to see the Specific Ocean!

[All shouting indistinctly]

I'm the one reason that
everybody is here...

DORIS: Do what you want...
Not a vacation...

Ditch the kids...

Why is there so much melon
in this fruit cup?

Stop!

Here's the deal...

tomorrow, everyone is free
to do whatever they want.

- [Gasps]
- Really?

It will be nice going to a museum

without your mom saying,
"Big whoop, I could do that,"

after every painting.

Sorry, nerd. Birthday.
You're coming with me.

So, we're on our own tomorrow?

Yes. And then we can all have
dinner together for my birthday.

It's official...
this is no longer a family trip.

We're on vacation!

See you then.

♪

Don't even think about it.

Okay, guys, listen up...

keep your cellphones handy
in case we need to reach you.

Unless you got diabetes overnight

and it's for your insulin,

that fanny pack is unacceptable.

Cooper's downstairs.
I'm gonna go meet him.

I also have a money belt
for my most irreplaceable items.

Like your lip balm?

It's actually nipple cream
for nursing mothers.

It's the only thing that keeps
these babies from cracking.

[Groans]

People say Van Gogh cut off
his ear because of a woman,

but I'm pretty sure it's
because his dad said the words

"nipple cream."

Okay, you two... sun block.

I want you to watch

the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

season nine reunion show

so that you can realize, "A,"
it's fantastic,

and "B," there's crazier
out there than what you married.

How can you watch that garbage?

Interesting. [Inhales deeply]

I seem to remember the head of
the school recycling committee

saying that we need to, quote,
"rethink garbage."

That's out of context.

♪

Fun fact... in 1932,

actress Peg Entwistle committed suicide

by jumping off the "H"
in the Hollywood sign.

The "H" in Hollywood or the "H" in sign?

- [Door opens]
- GREG: Taylor.

When you and your sister walk to
Hollywood Boulevard,

you need to keep an eye on her
at all times.

Great! So once again, I'm stuck
looking after Anna-Kat.

Maybe you can use this as an opportunity

to cross another thing
off your life-skills list.

Like what?

[Smacks lips] 52... Keep a plant alive.

That's close enough.

Oh, my God.

Mom's present!

It's broken! How did this happen?

[Plastic rustling, bubbles popping]

♪

Look, I'm a kid.

You give me bubble wrap, I'mma pop it.

You guys need to get this
re-framed by dinner tonight.

Why do we have to get it fixed?!

Because you broke it.

Anna-Kat broke it!

How could I break it? I'm a plant.

Just fix it.

TAYLOR: We have three hours
until the frame is fixed,

so we'll do the Walk of Fame
first and then the wax museum.

Look... Marilyn Monroe.

She lived a really sad life.

She grew up an orphan.

And I'm sure she died
in a super depressing way.

Yeah. Drug overdose.

At least that's what
the Kennedys want you to think.

See? They're fine.

GREG: I know. I just worry about them.

Me too.

But this is a vacation,

and we're doing stuff
that we want to do.

- Stuff you want to do.
- Same thing.

And the only way to do that

is to trust the kids
to take care of themselves,

- which they're clearly doing.
- [Sighs]

You just need to find a way to relax.

Oh, I could use my new meditation app.

My cellphone is readily accessible

right here in my convenient fanny pack.

[Sighs]

Or we could relax California style.

Oh, I don't know.

What? It's legal here.

And it's not like
you've never done it before.

Okay, remember when I told you

- I partied a lot in high school?
- Yeah.

Replace "partied" with "learned
calligraphy in my basement."

Don't worry. I'll be with you.

They didn't nickname me

Katie "Dank-Nasty Bong-MacGyver
Babylon" for nothing.

♪

♪

If you're gonna understand me,

you need to live within my limitations.

So I'm giving you $20.

That's all you have to spend.

Piece of cake!

That's really nice.

COOPER: Sure is.

I think I'm gonna get one in white.

Ah, you want it, but you can't have it,

because that sweater
definitely costs more than $20.

I was talking about the Lamborghini.

[Sighs]

But I do like that sweater.

Aw, I'm sorry. You can't afford it.

It costs at least 3 grand.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You know what? I'm gonna get it.

[Sighs] I can't. I'm done.

♪

Pot store was a lot nicer
than I thought it would be.

- And very educational.
- Mm-hmm.

The gentleman at the front told me

that when you want to smoke,
you look at your watch

and say, "Hey now, it's blunt o'clock."

It's been half an hour
since we took the gummies.

- Mm.
- You feel anything yet?

No.

Maybe we should take another one.

[Clicks tongue] Let's give it a sec.

Mm.

[Inhales deeply]

[Soothing electronic music plays]

[Both laughing]

♪

- Do you really like being an Uber driver?
- So, how long have you been doing it?

- Is it the best thing ever?
- Is it... I mean, do you see guys all the time?

- Do you see so many people?
- Just would be so weird!

- Do you have a gun?
- But it's amazing. Oh, my God.

I want to be an Uber driver
all of a sudden.

Have you punched people?

♪

What a great fight.

See?! Reality TV is the best!

The best!

I've wasted so much time
watching Ken Burns.

I know. We're free, Greg!

We're at the place in our life

where the kids
hardly even need us anymore.

[Gasps] We made it!

Cut your own damn crusts off, kids!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Find your own damn shoes!

Yeah, shoes your own damn crust!

- [Laughs]
- What?

[Both laughing]

♪

Hey, look! Lana Turner!

Her daughter murdered
her Mafia boyfriend,

and the studio covered it up.

They don't do business
like that anymore.

It's all so corporate.

Yes. Okay.

All right.

- Okay, let's try it again.
- MAN: [Laughing] Oh!

Which shell has the pea?

Anna-Kat, I saw that woman win
twice in a row,

and I spotted the ball every time.

I could double the money Dad gave us.

- These things are scams.
- Yeah, you're right.

Yes!

- I'm getting killed out here.
- [Cheers and applause]

Might just pack it up.

I'll do it!

Okay.

You know where the pea is not,
you know where the pea is.

Keep your eye on the shell
that has the pea.

- What shell has the pea?
- That one.

So sorry.

It's not there. It's over here.

What?!

No! I swear, it was there!

[Crowd murmurs]

They were in on it together.

They set you up.

I'm so screwed.

Wonder Woman! I need your help!

They stole my money!
You need to stop them!

I'll do it for $5.

Taylor, don't give her the...

W... She stole my money!

Batman, there's been a crime!

Batman!

♪

MAN: Here we go.

I can't believe we're at PUMP.

Lisa Vanderpump's my favorite housewife,

and I finally get to meet her!

[Giggles]

Get out of the car, Greg.

[Siren wailing]

[Tires squeal]

Wait.

This isn't right.

Oh, crap!

I guess I was all gummied up

and put the wrong PUMP
into the Uber web-thing.

Greg, call them to come back.

My fanny pack!

I left my fanny pack in the car.

It's got all our stuff in it!

[Gasps] We're stranded!

- Aah!
- Wait!

What about your money belt?

All that is in here

is a pocket-size copy
of the Constitution.

People died to protect
this document, Katie.

♪

- We need to call Oliver.
- Yes.

He is with Cooper,
and Cooper has his driver.

- We need to ask the guy in the station...
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

...to use his phone.

Do you know Oliver's number?

Of course not.

It's in my phone,

which you insisted that I put
in your convenient fanny pack.

If we think hard enough,
we'll remember it.

- Oliver.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oliver.
- Yes.

Oliver Otto.

Oliver Otto.

- That's fun to say.
- Mm-hmm.

BOTH: Oliver Ot-to.

Oliver Ot-to.

Wait.

What were we trying to remember?

[Horns honking,
indistinct conversations]

I really messed up.

I can't pay for the frame,

so Mom's not gonna have
her birthday gift.

[Sighs]

I think we should just call Dad
and tell him what happened.

We can't. He's gonna be so mad.

You know how he spits when he yells.

He's gonna get nipple cream all over me.

Ugh. What are we gonna do?

[Blues music plays in distance]

♪

[Crowd "Ohh" s]

[Laughs]

♪

- ♪ Here I am for the first time ♪
- [Coins clink]

♪ Look to my right,
and I see the Hollywood sign ♪

♪ This is all so crazy ♪

♪ Everybody here's so famous ♪

♪ So I put my hands up,
playin' my song ♪

♪ Butterflies fly away ♪

♪ Noddin' my head like yeah ♪

♪ Movin' my hips like yeah ♪

♪ And I put my hands up,
playin' my song ♪

♪ Know I'm gonna be okay ♪

♪ Yea-a-a-a-a-ah,
it's a party in the USA ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪

Dude, I'm sorry, but I just
don't get how...

Okay, so where are you guys?

Fine. We'll be right there.

[Cellphone clicks]

We have to go pick up my parents.

Apparently, they lost all their stuff

and are stranded
somewhere completely random.

I'll text my driver to come pick us up.

- [Sighs]
- [Cellphone clicking]

They never leave me alone.

I can't even get one day
away from them, you know?

Actually, I don't.

I'm not even sure if my parents
know I'm in L.A.

Aw, sorry, dude.

I forgot they're AWOL all the time.

Huh.

I think I get what you were
trying to tell me.

It feels bad when your best friend

has something you want but can't have.

How about this...

from now on, I'll be sensitive
to what you don't have,

and you'll be sensitive
to what I don't have.

Cool! And if you want,
I'll keep sharing my money.

And I'll keep sharing my parents.

Sweet.

Can I get a little more Katie than Greg?

I mean, your dad's chill,

but your mom's just on another level.

I love that chica.

♪

Oh, my God!
Anna-Kat, you made over $100!

Not including the fake money
with pictures of Elvis on it.

Please don't tell me how he died.

Fine.

Heart attack on the toilet.

[Sighs]

I want to apologize.

I've been complaining about
having to look after you,

but you ended up being the one
looking after me.

We'll look after each other.

[Chuckles] Let's go pick up
Mom's present.

[Gasps] Hey! Let's double our money!

- Me next!
- Taylor.

Maybe it'll just be me
looking after you.

♪

Thank God Taylor knew how
to get ahold of our Uber

so we could get our stuff back.

I was wrong to try
and push our kids away.

I was in such a rush for them
to take care of themselves,

when it turns out we can't even
take care of ourselves.

Yeah, if you think we can't
take care of ourselves now,

- wait until we get older.
- I know!

When we're 80, who's going to
take us to the doctor?

Or put us in a nursing home
against our will?

- Oliver.
- Yeah.

That's what I was gonna say.

[Chuckles]

[Indistinct conversations]

I don't see Lisa Vanderpump.

Maybe she's at SUR shooting
"Vanderpump Rules."

Mm, she has been
having trouble with Jax.

This right here

is the best birthday present
I could've gotten.

[Chuckles]

- Well, here's one more.
- [Gasps]

I know you didn't want to make
a big deal about your birthday,

but here's a little something
from all of us.

Happy birthday, Mom.

KATIE: Oh, my God!

My favorite photo!

- It's hilarious.
- GREG: Aww.

I love it.

- Happy birthday, Katie Otto!
- [Gasps]

Lisa Vanderpump!

How did you know
that it was my birthday?

Well, my godson called and told me.

Hello, Cooper, darling.

Mwah!

My family, your money... it works.

Perfectly. [Chuckles]

It's a real pleasure to meet you.
We're such big fans.

Wait, aren't you Professor Badonkadonk?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Ohh.

- Ken, Puffy, and I love your videos.
- [Laughter]

Well, anyway, blow out the candles.

Happy birthday, darling.

- Mwah!
- Thank you.

This is amazing. [Smacks lips]

- I could be friends with her.
- [Chuckles]

We hooked her with Badonkadonk.

Now you got to marry her godson
to reel her in.

- Mom, we're not gay.
- But it's my birthday!

[Sighs] This is super boring.

No fighting, no backstabbing,
this is terrible reality TV.

At least we have that funny part
when Ablin went to the bathroom

and Luthor ate his sandwich.

[Light laughter]

ANNA-KAT: Did he drop something?

No. He's proposing!

[All gasp]

Oh, my gosh!

She said yes!

- Aww!
- [Cheers and applause]

[Cellphone chimes]

Uh, Katie, why don't you open
Doris and Angela's present?

It's by the TV in the other room.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

BOTH: Happy birthday!

[Screams]

You crazy bitches flew out here!

Ooh! Big FIJIs!

♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com