American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 30 - Being Human - full transcript
Jake takes a break from being the American Dragon and lets Haley take over, but an old enemy returns.
(JAKE GROANS)
Easy there, player.
It's all over now.
Hey, what's with Chuckles?
You ever have one of those days where
nothing goes right?
-(JAKE GROANS)
-That bad, huh?
Let's just say if Jake's day was
a wacky Japanese game show,
it would probably look
something like this.
JAPANESE GAME SHOW HOST: Day of Failure!
(SUSTAINED SCREAM)
Pop quiz?
But I didn't even read the chapter.
Ooh! Pop quiz!
Watch as report card grade is
chopped like sashimi.
(LAUGHS) Is cause for unhappiness, no?
Hey, cool. They put in a chili bar.
Whoa, Jake. Uh... That's the five-alarmer.
You gotta prep your tongue with
some two-alarmer first, ding-ding!
Who's the fire-breather here, Spud?
Uh? (SPITS)
Chili Spit? Pretty girl? Oh, no!
Ah. (LAUGHS)
JAKE: A skateboarding contest?
Now this is something I can't lose.
BRAD: Eyes on the Bradster!
Attention, over-padded dorklings.
The Bradster hereby proclamates that
he's gonna be skatin' and winnin'
the Five Boroughs Skate Jam-bo-ree!
(CHEERS)
Boy, you don't know
a nose-grind from a pork rind!
Yeah. That's why my dad hired somebody
who does,
my personal trainer,
pro boarder, Tommy King!
(CROWD GASPS)
(LAUGHS) What's up, everybody?
Unfair skateboarding help!
It is not the bomb!
And... so on and so forth.
You get the idea.
The only good thing about this day is
that it's over.
Jake! Urgent assignment!
You must go immediately!
(GROANS) Aw, man!
Grandpa surprise! (LAUGHS)
Start your theme song now!
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
Urgent assignment? Come on, G.
Hasn't my day been bad enough?
Wah-wah, whiney bim-booey-hoo-hoo!
You think you're the only one
with problems? Get over yourself.
Uh... (CHUCKLES) Sorry.
I get moody when I'm hungry.
See, the vet put me on a new diet today.
Says I gotta take better care of myself.
Can you believe that garbage? (CHUCKLES)
Anyway, I'm thinking maybe I just
get this day out of the way
-and then do your thing tomorrow, cool?
-(EXCLAIMS IN CHINESE)
Not cool. Grandpa does not use
the word urgent unless he means it!
Inside this box is
the latest creation of the N.E.R.D.
The Nerd?
FU: New Elfin Research
and Development.
Bunch of tech-dweeb elves workin' on
inventing new magical objects.
Talk about puttin' the "eek" in geek.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, that's just the diet talking.
They're good kids.
Unfortunately, some of their inventions
are so powerful
they must be destroyed
rather than fall into the wrong hands.
Why can't they just destroy it themselves?
Because they're too busy trying to solve
the equation of why they never get dates.
(LAUGHING)
I'm sayin' they're nerds! (LAUGHS)
-GRANDPA: Fu Dog!
-(GASPS)
Two words, I'm hungry!
It requires powerful magic
to destroy powerful magic.
You must deliver this box to
the Witches of Woodstock.
They alone can brew a potion
strong enough for the job.
Yeah, can they brew a vegetable juice
that doesn't taste like something
an ogre yakked up?
(SPITS)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Ay-ya. And take Fu Dog with you.
Oh, perfect. Now I gotta go on
a mission with Grouchy Grouchowski.
Moo-dy today, am I right?
FU: Let's see here.
I think we need to head west.
Wait, am I holding this thing upside down?
(SPLUTTERS)
Uh, ow... What... Hello...
You're not brightening my day here, Fu.
Hey, I don't have every secret island
on the Hudson memorized, all right?
Gotta figure out which one
that the Witches of Woodstock live on...
-There it is down there!
-Whoa!
FU: Water landing!
Witches... Great.
The last thing I need
on a day like this is
is to spend time with some ugly,
scraggly-haired hippie...
Hello, ladies.
Jake Long, meet The Witches of Woodstock,
Monica, Annika and Bubonica.
Oh, yeah. I love his hair.
And he's so cute.
-Hey, I saw him first.
-I call dibs.
-It's too late for dibs.
-I'll hex you good!
Uh, no need to fight, ladies.
(GASPS) He's so good with people!
Let's hear it for Jake!
ALL: Hooray!
Ahhh!
The destruction potion is almost ready.
You don't mind waiting?
Nah. I'm kinda diggin' it out here.
You know, the beauty of nature...
Really? I think being out here alone
gets so scary!
-(SCREAMS) Boo!
-(SHRIEKS)
-See?
-Yeah.
Sometimes I wish we had
someone to check up on us.
Someone strong and brave
to protect us from danger.
Maybe this isn't such a bad day after all.
(THANDERA ROARS)
ANNIKA: (GASP) Mountain goblins!
You have something we want, boy.
Give us the box
and there will be no trouble.
Uh... Looks like word got out
about the elves' little project.
-How's that potion coming?
-Another minute?
Good. Dragon up!
-Get the box!
-(GOBLINS YELL)
Y'all ever play bowling for goblins?
It's easy.
-First you gather your pin-heads...
-(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
And then you strike.
Now!
What the... Since when do goblins fly?
Whoa!
THANDERA: The box is ours!
(BOTH STRAINING)
-Here, here!
-Don't worry Jake! We'll get them!
He has reinforcements. Retreat!
What? I didn't even know
I had reinforcements.
ANNIKA: You don't.
Ah, haven't you ever heard
an audio illusion spell before?
CROWD: Yeah, where have you been?
Oh, hex.
There goes the last of our yeti fur.
We can't brew more potion without it,
and we won't get another shipment
until next week!
A week?
Then what am I supposed to do with this?
You're gonna have to hold onto it.
I mean, you're so good
at protecting things, anyway.
(GIGGLES)
Let's go, kid. Ugh, Witches...
(MOAN) Worst day ever...
And I can't believe I have
to spend my whole week guarding this...
What's in here, anyway?
Uh, kid... Maybe it's just the hunger,
but my gut's got a bad feeling about this.
Whoa.
It looks like some kind of...
video game controller?
Cheese on a biscuit,
those elves really are nerds.
What's all this writing on the back?
Well, I haven't read elf
since I dated one back in the 1800's
but... Hmmm. In the title here,
I can pick out the words,
"Cheat, Code, Life,"
and this sequence here is labeled,
"Replay," for some reason.
That's what my day needs, a replay.
Or at least a do-over
of that goblin fight.
Uh, Jake? You might not wanna...
I mean, since when
do goblins sprout wings and fl...
(SURPRISED YELL)
(GASP) Mountain goblins!
You have something we want, boy.
Give us the box
and there will be no trouble.
Okay, I am having
some serious Deja Fu here.
No. We're having a replay.
This thing really is a controller...
for real life!
That stuff on the back is all cheat codes.
Yeah, I don't speak geek.
Cheat codes are what you punch in
to get an edge in the game...
boost your strength,
get special weapons...
I just hit the code for replay,
and here we are!
I wonder what else they got here.
-Get the box!
-(GOBLINS YELL)
Uh, you might wanna
save play time for later, kid.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Game on. Dragon up!
Strength boost.
I am definitely gonna have
to write this one down.
(ALL SHOUTING)
-(GRUNTING)
-(ALL CHEERING)
Now!
Oh, no. Not this time.
Whoa!
Check the serious air! Whoa!
Ah! I'm on super speed here.
(GRUNTS)
Uklak's Beard. He knows the codes!
We'll find another way
to get the controller. Retreat!
Yo, the game's still going!
And the potion's ready, too.
Yay, hugs!
Aw, man!
I barely even got to use this thing.
(GOBLIN GROANING)
I'll teach you
to frighten my ladies, chump!
(GOBLIN YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
Ooh. Sorry about that.
Hope you have
more of that destruction potion.
Actually, we're out of yeti fur,
but don't worry about it.
We'll get more in a week.
I'm sure a big hero man like you
can guard it that long.
(MODEST CHUCKLE) Well...
But you better come
and see us before then.
Oh, yes, please!
We will be so heartbroken if you don't.
You, uh, remember which one's
the Replay code?
Whoo-hoo.
We will be so heartbroken if you don't.
Aw, yeah. I think this is
turning into a very good day.
Shield, invisibility, boosts for agility,
speed, intelligence, charm...
(LAUGHS) This thing is off the chain.
No, that thing is off-limits.
We had our fun, now let's lock it up
in the vault before its...
Don't you get what we've got here, Fu?
I never have to have a bad day again!
This is gonna let me cheat code my way
to a perfect life.
Oh, no, it ain't. Now hand it over.
Uh... You sure there's nothing
you want to cheat?
Like, maybe... your rabbit food diet?
FU'S STOMACH: Listen to him!
Is there a code that'll make this taste
like a cheeseburger?
Take... order?
Yeah. We'll have the front side to start,
back side for dessert.
(BOTH SIGH)
Ooh, baby.
Oh I'm as... (HICCUPS) stuffed
as that Turducken I just ate.
Ready for a... (HICCUPS) replay?
Take... order?
Nah, we had a late lunch.
Uh, Spudinski, what are you doing?
(SCREAMS)
I'm practicing my never-before-seen
one arm 50/50 wiggy wack moon
boot blood rush handstand.
I figure, I gotta bring out a primo trick
to beat Brad's Tommy King training.
Tsk... Spud, my man,
don't waste another minute of your life
on painfully unnecessary wipe-outs.
But, Jake, the crashes give me experience.
And experience is
the mother of both skill and reward.
Instead of grounding me,
my dad makes me read
motivational business books.
That was from Ron Slam's The Grindstone:
Is Your Nose To It?
Psst... Old school.
I say, why suffer a thousand failures
when you can get it right the first time,
every time?
You blinged your
Kami-Kai Bighand Kung-Fu controller.
And how's this take
the place of practice again?
No, it's a magical controller for life.
And I got all the cheat codes, baby.
Check this.
Let's see... Boost Agility,
add a little High Jump,
and some Reverse Gravity
for the hang time.
Hey, yo, Brad!
Check out what
a real skater looks like, fool!
You better teach me all that.
Daddy covers overtime?
-Yeah. We'll pay. We'll pay.
-Right on.
Guys?
Can I not get a bump-bump
for schoolin' the chump-chump?
I don't know, Jake.
I love magical powers
as much as the next guy,
but Ron Slam says,
"The only treasures worth having
are the ones we pay for with sweat."
Speaking of which, I gotta make
another sweat deposit
at the bank of success.
Nose to the grindstone!
(THUDS) Ow. My nose.
What is up with you guys?
Didn't your mama ever teach you
that cheating is wrong?
You can't use that thing in competition.
It's not fair.
-What makes you think you can...
-(REWINDS)
Didn't your mama teach you
that cheating is...
Wrong. So true. What was I thinking?
I'll never use this thing again.
Uh, that's... Well, that's... Good?
(WHISTLING)
Looks like it's just you and me, buddy.
Let's go live the easy life.
Another pop quiz?
I hope you read the chapter this time.
Nah. But I'm feeling lucky today.
Boost intelligence.
A plus. Ha!
(SPITS)
Wow... Uh... Thanks!
Hey, I owed you one.
Add some One Punch Knock Out.
Then Boost Strength to taste
and simmer with a Protective Shield.
Soup's on!
He's too powerful!
Every warrior has a weakness,
and victory goes to he who won't quit
until he finds it.
I learned it from a Ron Slam book.
The guy is a genius!
One more pebble
in the rock garden of success!
Ow.
Whoo! (GRUNTS)
Jakey! How good of you to show up.
-Are you ready to practice?
-Naw. Psst, it's cool.
Oh, I've been, uh, practicing on my own.
Whoo!
(GRUNTS)
-See?
-Oh, nuh-uh, player.
You are not still using that con-troller!
So what if I am? You think it's fair
that Brad got his dad to hire Tommy King?
Woo-hoo! I own this ramp.
I really do. My dad bought it for me.
What, you wanna be like Brad, now?
Getting everything you want
with no hard work?
Ugh. It's not just about
the skate contest, Jakey.
It's about getting fat, slow and lazy
while you let that thing do
all the work for you...
Boost Charm.
(LAUGHS) Did I tell you how
kickin' that new top is?
Ooh girl, you've got it going on.
(LAUGHS) You... You think so?
I so appreciate that.
Thank you, Jakey! Ohhh.
No prob, babes.
(SCOFFS) Fat, slow and lazy?
Pshaw. I don't think so.
FU: Whoa. Ah.
Kid, punch in the cheat code.
I'd do it but... (BURP)
My eyes are glazed over with coconut milk
and lobster grease.
Oh, I love my new diet.
No... (HICCUP) prob.
-Hey!
-I've got it, master!
What did I tell you?
Keep trying,
and you're bound to find a weakness.
I'll show you who's... (HICCUP) weak...
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Dragon up!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GOBLINS LAUGHING)
Hey! Ooh. Quit it!
When I get that thing back, I am gonna...
What's the matter, kid? You got
a million tricks up your sleeve.
I'm a little out of practice, I...
Enough!
There will be time for revenge later.
Leave the piggies to their food coma.
(GROANS, SIGHS)
Aw...
(LOUD, LONG BELCH)
Oh, yeah, that one's been
waitin' to come out.
Now, where was I?
Oh, right. Man!
(GRANDPA EXCLAIMS IN CHINESE)
Did I not tell you
that magical object was dangerous?
I know, Gramps.
That's why we have to get it out
of the hands of those mountain goblins.
It was not their hands I was referring to.
Huh?
Resistance builds the muscle,
young dragon.
If you remove every obstacle from life,
you become weak in body and in mind.
Your enemies won
because they were willing to do
what you have cheated to avoid,
to fail and fail again
until a solution was found.
(STRAINING)
So you want me to fail?
Mission accomplished.
I want you to fail sometimes.
For it is only by experiencing failure
that we learn to succeed.
Wow. Deep.
Ron Slam... I get a daily email quote.
Now, to the task at hand.
You say it was mountain goblins
who took the controller.
Only one range in this area
is not accounted for by giants,
trolls or other mountain dwellers.
It lies here...
In Tallman Mountain State Park
on the Hudson River.
You must scour every cave
and crevasse in this range
until you find the goblins' lair.
(STRAINING)
(CLATTERING)
Whoa!
-(SCREAMS)
-(BATS SCREECHING)
Huh?
Ahhh!
Aw, man. This is gonna take forever.
There's gotta be some other way to...
Wait a minute.
Maybe there is.
Ear of the Dragon.
ADIRONDACK: His handwriting is terrible,
but we've got half the codes
deciphered already!
THANDERA: Good. Keep working.
Soon we shall have the ultimate power.
Gotcha.
(CONTROLLER BEEPING)
And then this one gives your whole team
throwback jerseys.
Ooh, ooh!
Do they have the 1976 Goblintrotters?
Sweet. Meadowlark Demon.
I gave the witch triplets a heads-up.
They're workin' on the destruction potion.
All we gotta do is get 'em the controller.
Then let's do it.
You go left, G, I'll go right.
-Dragons!
-Goody.
(GOBLINS YELL)
Ahhh!
-(CHEERING)
-THANDERA: Stand down, friends.
I want to show these dragons
what it's like to fight an unfair battle.
The old one goes down first.
(STRAINING)
Ahhh!
Ahhh. (GRUNTS)
Ow!
(STRAINS) Gramps!
Don't give up. Earn it, Jake.
(FU GRUNTING)
Here's hoping this is on the diet menu.
-(CHOMP)
-(SCREAMS)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-(THUDS)
Replay!
Not this time, fleabag!
-Ahhh.
-(JAKE GRUNTS)
(GOBLINS LAUGHING)
You can't hit what you can't see.
Huh? (GRUNTING)
Come on, Jake, think!
A-ha!
(GRUNTS)
Gotcha!
-GRANDPA: Go, Jake! To the witches!
-On it, G.
Leave the others. After the controller!
-Is it ready?
-MONICA: We need a minute.
No prob, I'll just punch in some... Nah.
Let's earn this old school.
Come and get it.
-Ahhh.
-(SHRIEKS)
Olé!
Olé on the flip side.
-Now, Jake. It's ready.
-And o-later.
(ALL GRUNTING)
(EXPLOSION)
ALL: Ahhh.
Game over.
Feeling any better, brave strong hero man?
Much. (CHUCKLE) You are too kind.
He's so polite.
And wrinkly cute.
I call first hug.
(ALL SQUEAL)
Hey, uh... You guys got
any magical medicine for me and...
-Sorry, we don't talk to cheaters.
-WITCHES: Harrumph!
Well, at least tomorrow's another day...
It sure is! Day of lesson learned!
Hey, I actually studied this stuff.
Preparation! It's dynamite!
Go for the five-alarm, dude.
Nah. I think I'll start mild
and work my way up.
He knows his chili limit! Happy tummy!
(CHEERING)
TRIXIE: I can't believe
he actually pulled it off.
He deserved it. He kept working at it.
Yeah, looks like Ron Slam knows
a little more than Tommy King, huh?
You're fired! Now get out of here!
But I need the money for
my third beach house! (CHILDISH SHRIEKING)
I guess there's something to that old,
"If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again," thing, huh?
Usually. Maybe not always, though.
Hey, Stacey, check out my trophy.
I won! Hey, wait up! Stacey!
(LAUGHS) Keep working, Spud.
Keep working...
(LAUGHS) The end!
JAPANESE GAME SHOW HOST:
Judges, show us Jake Long final scores.
For fighting style, Mermaid gives 9.3,
Cyclops gives 9.2
and Mountain Goblin, 0.7.
For hugging style, Mermaid, 8.3,
Cyclops, 7.9 and... (LAUGHS)
Mountain Goblin is really hating
his performance.
For chili spit style (LAUGHS)
who cares about scores?
Show me chili spit again.
Again! Again! Again!
Look out, here comes the castle.
Easy there, player.
It's all over now.
Hey, what's with Chuckles?
You ever have one of those days where
nothing goes right?
-(JAKE GROANS)
-That bad, huh?
Let's just say if Jake's day was
a wacky Japanese game show,
it would probably look
something like this.
JAPANESE GAME SHOW HOST: Day of Failure!
(SUSTAINED SCREAM)
Pop quiz?
But I didn't even read the chapter.
Ooh! Pop quiz!
Watch as report card grade is
chopped like sashimi.
(LAUGHS) Is cause for unhappiness, no?
Hey, cool. They put in a chili bar.
Whoa, Jake. Uh... That's the five-alarmer.
You gotta prep your tongue with
some two-alarmer first, ding-ding!
Who's the fire-breather here, Spud?
Uh? (SPITS)
Chili Spit? Pretty girl? Oh, no!
Ah. (LAUGHS)
JAKE: A skateboarding contest?
Now this is something I can't lose.
BRAD: Eyes on the Bradster!
Attention, over-padded dorklings.
The Bradster hereby proclamates that
he's gonna be skatin' and winnin'
the Five Boroughs Skate Jam-bo-ree!
(CHEERS)
Boy, you don't know
a nose-grind from a pork rind!
Yeah. That's why my dad hired somebody
who does,
my personal trainer,
pro boarder, Tommy King!
(CROWD GASPS)
(LAUGHS) What's up, everybody?
Unfair skateboarding help!
It is not the bomb!
And... so on and so forth.
You get the idea.
The only good thing about this day is
that it's over.
Jake! Urgent assignment!
You must go immediately!
(GROANS) Aw, man!
Grandpa surprise! (LAUGHS)
Start your theme song now!
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
Urgent assignment? Come on, G.
Hasn't my day been bad enough?
Wah-wah, whiney bim-booey-hoo-hoo!
You think you're the only one
with problems? Get over yourself.
Uh... (CHUCKLES) Sorry.
I get moody when I'm hungry.
See, the vet put me on a new diet today.
Says I gotta take better care of myself.
Can you believe that garbage? (CHUCKLES)
Anyway, I'm thinking maybe I just
get this day out of the way
-and then do your thing tomorrow, cool?
-(EXCLAIMS IN CHINESE)
Not cool. Grandpa does not use
the word urgent unless he means it!
Inside this box is
the latest creation of the N.E.R.D.
The Nerd?
FU: New Elfin Research
and Development.
Bunch of tech-dweeb elves workin' on
inventing new magical objects.
Talk about puttin' the "eek" in geek.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, that's just the diet talking.
They're good kids.
Unfortunately, some of their inventions
are so powerful
they must be destroyed
rather than fall into the wrong hands.
Why can't they just destroy it themselves?
Because they're too busy trying to solve
the equation of why they never get dates.
(LAUGHING)
I'm sayin' they're nerds! (LAUGHS)
-GRANDPA: Fu Dog!
-(GASPS)
Two words, I'm hungry!
It requires powerful magic
to destroy powerful magic.
You must deliver this box to
the Witches of Woodstock.
They alone can brew a potion
strong enough for the job.
Yeah, can they brew a vegetable juice
that doesn't taste like something
an ogre yakked up?
(SPITS)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Ay-ya. And take Fu Dog with you.
Oh, perfect. Now I gotta go on
a mission with Grouchy Grouchowski.
Moo-dy today, am I right?
FU: Let's see here.
I think we need to head west.
Wait, am I holding this thing upside down?
(SPLUTTERS)
Uh, ow... What... Hello...
You're not brightening my day here, Fu.
Hey, I don't have every secret island
on the Hudson memorized, all right?
Gotta figure out which one
that the Witches of Woodstock live on...
-There it is down there!
-Whoa!
FU: Water landing!
Witches... Great.
The last thing I need
on a day like this is
is to spend time with some ugly,
scraggly-haired hippie...
Hello, ladies.
Jake Long, meet The Witches of Woodstock,
Monica, Annika and Bubonica.
Oh, yeah. I love his hair.
And he's so cute.
-Hey, I saw him first.
-I call dibs.
-It's too late for dibs.
-I'll hex you good!
Uh, no need to fight, ladies.
(GASPS) He's so good with people!
Let's hear it for Jake!
ALL: Hooray!
Ahhh!
The destruction potion is almost ready.
You don't mind waiting?
Nah. I'm kinda diggin' it out here.
You know, the beauty of nature...
Really? I think being out here alone
gets so scary!
-(SCREAMS) Boo!
-(SHRIEKS)
-See?
-Yeah.
Sometimes I wish we had
someone to check up on us.
Someone strong and brave
to protect us from danger.
Maybe this isn't such a bad day after all.
(THANDERA ROARS)
ANNIKA: (GASP) Mountain goblins!
You have something we want, boy.
Give us the box
and there will be no trouble.
Uh... Looks like word got out
about the elves' little project.
-How's that potion coming?
-Another minute?
Good. Dragon up!
-Get the box!
-(GOBLINS YELL)
Y'all ever play bowling for goblins?
It's easy.
-First you gather your pin-heads...
-(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
And then you strike.
Now!
What the... Since when do goblins fly?
Whoa!
THANDERA: The box is ours!
(BOTH STRAINING)
-Here, here!
-Don't worry Jake! We'll get them!
He has reinforcements. Retreat!
What? I didn't even know
I had reinforcements.
ANNIKA: You don't.
Ah, haven't you ever heard
an audio illusion spell before?
CROWD: Yeah, where have you been?
Oh, hex.
There goes the last of our yeti fur.
We can't brew more potion without it,
and we won't get another shipment
until next week!
A week?
Then what am I supposed to do with this?
You're gonna have to hold onto it.
I mean, you're so good
at protecting things, anyway.
(GIGGLES)
Let's go, kid. Ugh, Witches...
(MOAN) Worst day ever...
And I can't believe I have
to spend my whole week guarding this...
What's in here, anyway?
Uh, kid... Maybe it's just the hunger,
but my gut's got a bad feeling about this.
Whoa.
It looks like some kind of...
video game controller?
Cheese on a biscuit,
those elves really are nerds.
What's all this writing on the back?
Well, I haven't read elf
since I dated one back in the 1800's
but... Hmmm. In the title here,
I can pick out the words,
"Cheat, Code, Life,"
and this sequence here is labeled,
"Replay," for some reason.
That's what my day needs, a replay.
Or at least a do-over
of that goblin fight.
Uh, Jake? You might not wanna...
I mean, since when
do goblins sprout wings and fl...
(SURPRISED YELL)
(GASP) Mountain goblins!
You have something we want, boy.
Give us the box
and there will be no trouble.
Okay, I am having
some serious Deja Fu here.
No. We're having a replay.
This thing really is a controller...
for real life!
That stuff on the back is all cheat codes.
Yeah, I don't speak geek.
Cheat codes are what you punch in
to get an edge in the game...
boost your strength,
get special weapons...
I just hit the code for replay,
and here we are!
I wonder what else they got here.
-Get the box!
-(GOBLINS YELL)
Uh, you might wanna
save play time for later, kid.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Game on. Dragon up!
Strength boost.
I am definitely gonna have
to write this one down.
(ALL SHOUTING)
-(GRUNTING)
-(ALL CHEERING)
Now!
Oh, no. Not this time.
Whoa!
Check the serious air! Whoa!
Ah! I'm on super speed here.
(GRUNTS)
Uklak's Beard. He knows the codes!
We'll find another way
to get the controller. Retreat!
Yo, the game's still going!
And the potion's ready, too.
Yay, hugs!
Aw, man!
I barely even got to use this thing.
(GOBLIN GROANING)
I'll teach you
to frighten my ladies, chump!
(GOBLIN YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
Ooh. Sorry about that.
Hope you have
more of that destruction potion.
Actually, we're out of yeti fur,
but don't worry about it.
We'll get more in a week.
I'm sure a big hero man like you
can guard it that long.
(MODEST CHUCKLE) Well...
But you better come
and see us before then.
Oh, yes, please!
We will be so heartbroken if you don't.
You, uh, remember which one's
the Replay code?
Whoo-hoo.
We will be so heartbroken if you don't.
Aw, yeah. I think this is
turning into a very good day.
Shield, invisibility, boosts for agility,
speed, intelligence, charm...
(LAUGHS) This thing is off the chain.
No, that thing is off-limits.
We had our fun, now let's lock it up
in the vault before its...
Don't you get what we've got here, Fu?
I never have to have a bad day again!
This is gonna let me cheat code my way
to a perfect life.
Oh, no, it ain't. Now hand it over.
Uh... You sure there's nothing
you want to cheat?
Like, maybe... your rabbit food diet?
FU'S STOMACH: Listen to him!
Is there a code that'll make this taste
like a cheeseburger?
Take... order?
Yeah. We'll have the front side to start,
back side for dessert.
(BOTH SIGH)
Ooh, baby.
Oh I'm as... (HICCUPS) stuffed
as that Turducken I just ate.
Ready for a... (HICCUPS) replay?
Take... order?
Nah, we had a late lunch.
Uh, Spudinski, what are you doing?
(SCREAMS)
I'm practicing my never-before-seen
one arm 50/50 wiggy wack moon
boot blood rush handstand.
I figure, I gotta bring out a primo trick
to beat Brad's Tommy King training.
Tsk... Spud, my man,
don't waste another minute of your life
on painfully unnecessary wipe-outs.
But, Jake, the crashes give me experience.
And experience is
the mother of both skill and reward.
Instead of grounding me,
my dad makes me read
motivational business books.
That was from Ron Slam's The Grindstone:
Is Your Nose To It?
Psst... Old school.
I say, why suffer a thousand failures
when you can get it right the first time,
every time?
You blinged your
Kami-Kai Bighand Kung-Fu controller.
And how's this take
the place of practice again?
No, it's a magical controller for life.
And I got all the cheat codes, baby.
Check this.
Let's see... Boost Agility,
add a little High Jump,
and some Reverse Gravity
for the hang time.
Hey, yo, Brad!
Check out what
a real skater looks like, fool!
You better teach me all that.
Daddy covers overtime?
-Yeah. We'll pay. We'll pay.
-Right on.
Guys?
Can I not get a bump-bump
for schoolin' the chump-chump?
I don't know, Jake.
I love magical powers
as much as the next guy,
but Ron Slam says,
"The only treasures worth having
are the ones we pay for with sweat."
Speaking of which, I gotta make
another sweat deposit
at the bank of success.
Nose to the grindstone!
(THUDS) Ow. My nose.
What is up with you guys?
Didn't your mama ever teach you
that cheating is wrong?
You can't use that thing in competition.
It's not fair.
-What makes you think you can...
-(REWINDS)
Didn't your mama teach you
that cheating is...
Wrong. So true. What was I thinking?
I'll never use this thing again.
Uh, that's... Well, that's... Good?
(WHISTLING)
Looks like it's just you and me, buddy.
Let's go live the easy life.
Another pop quiz?
I hope you read the chapter this time.
Nah. But I'm feeling lucky today.
Boost intelligence.
A plus. Ha!
(SPITS)
Wow... Uh... Thanks!
Hey, I owed you one.
Add some One Punch Knock Out.
Then Boost Strength to taste
and simmer with a Protective Shield.
Soup's on!
He's too powerful!
Every warrior has a weakness,
and victory goes to he who won't quit
until he finds it.
I learned it from a Ron Slam book.
The guy is a genius!
One more pebble
in the rock garden of success!
Ow.
Whoo! (GRUNTS)
Jakey! How good of you to show up.
-Are you ready to practice?
-Naw. Psst, it's cool.
Oh, I've been, uh, practicing on my own.
Whoo!
(GRUNTS)
-See?
-Oh, nuh-uh, player.
You are not still using that con-troller!
So what if I am? You think it's fair
that Brad got his dad to hire Tommy King?
Woo-hoo! I own this ramp.
I really do. My dad bought it for me.
What, you wanna be like Brad, now?
Getting everything you want
with no hard work?
Ugh. It's not just about
the skate contest, Jakey.
It's about getting fat, slow and lazy
while you let that thing do
all the work for you...
Boost Charm.
(LAUGHS) Did I tell you how
kickin' that new top is?
Ooh girl, you've got it going on.
(LAUGHS) You... You think so?
I so appreciate that.
Thank you, Jakey! Ohhh.
No prob, babes.
(SCOFFS) Fat, slow and lazy?
Pshaw. I don't think so.
FU: Whoa. Ah.
Kid, punch in the cheat code.
I'd do it but... (BURP)
My eyes are glazed over with coconut milk
and lobster grease.
Oh, I love my new diet.
No... (HICCUP) prob.
-Hey!
-I've got it, master!
What did I tell you?
Keep trying,
and you're bound to find a weakness.
I'll show you who's... (HICCUP) weak...
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Dragon up!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GOBLINS LAUGHING)
Hey! Ooh. Quit it!
When I get that thing back, I am gonna...
What's the matter, kid? You got
a million tricks up your sleeve.
I'm a little out of practice, I...
Enough!
There will be time for revenge later.
Leave the piggies to their food coma.
(GROANS, SIGHS)
Aw...
(LOUD, LONG BELCH)
Oh, yeah, that one's been
waitin' to come out.
Now, where was I?
Oh, right. Man!
(GRANDPA EXCLAIMS IN CHINESE)
Did I not tell you
that magical object was dangerous?
I know, Gramps.
That's why we have to get it out
of the hands of those mountain goblins.
It was not their hands I was referring to.
Huh?
Resistance builds the muscle,
young dragon.
If you remove every obstacle from life,
you become weak in body and in mind.
Your enemies won
because they were willing to do
what you have cheated to avoid,
to fail and fail again
until a solution was found.
(STRAINING)
So you want me to fail?
Mission accomplished.
I want you to fail sometimes.
For it is only by experiencing failure
that we learn to succeed.
Wow. Deep.
Ron Slam... I get a daily email quote.
Now, to the task at hand.
You say it was mountain goblins
who took the controller.
Only one range in this area
is not accounted for by giants,
trolls or other mountain dwellers.
It lies here...
In Tallman Mountain State Park
on the Hudson River.
You must scour every cave
and crevasse in this range
until you find the goblins' lair.
(STRAINING)
(CLATTERING)
Whoa!
-(SCREAMS)
-(BATS SCREECHING)
Huh?
Ahhh!
Aw, man. This is gonna take forever.
There's gotta be some other way to...
Wait a minute.
Maybe there is.
Ear of the Dragon.
ADIRONDACK: His handwriting is terrible,
but we've got half the codes
deciphered already!
THANDERA: Good. Keep working.
Soon we shall have the ultimate power.
Gotcha.
(CONTROLLER BEEPING)
And then this one gives your whole team
throwback jerseys.
Ooh, ooh!
Do they have the 1976 Goblintrotters?
Sweet. Meadowlark Demon.
I gave the witch triplets a heads-up.
They're workin' on the destruction potion.
All we gotta do is get 'em the controller.
Then let's do it.
You go left, G, I'll go right.
-Dragons!
-Goody.
(GOBLINS YELL)
Ahhh!
-(CHEERING)
-THANDERA: Stand down, friends.
I want to show these dragons
what it's like to fight an unfair battle.
The old one goes down first.
(STRAINING)
Ahhh!
Ahhh. (GRUNTS)
Ow!
(STRAINS) Gramps!
Don't give up. Earn it, Jake.
(FU GRUNTING)
Here's hoping this is on the diet menu.
-(CHOMP)
-(SCREAMS)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-(THUDS)
Replay!
Not this time, fleabag!
-Ahhh.
-(JAKE GRUNTS)
(GOBLINS LAUGHING)
You can't hit what you can't see.
Huh? (GRUNTING)
Come on, Jake, think!
A-ha!
(GRUNTS)
Gotcha!
-GRANDPA: Go, Jake! To the witches!
-On it, G.
Leave the others. After the controller!
-Is it ready?
-MONICA: We need a minute.
No prob, I'll just punch in some... Nah.
Let's earn this old school.
Come and get it.
-Ahhh.
-(SHRIEKS)
Olé!
Olé on the flip side.
-Now, Jake. It's ready.
-And o-later.
(ALL GRUNTING)
(EXPLOSION)
ALL: Ahhh.
Game over.
Feeling any better, brave strong hero man?
Much. (CHUCKLE) You are too kind.
He's so polite.
And wrinkly cute.
I call first hug.
(ALL SQUEAL)
Hey, uh... You guys got
any magical medicine for me and...
-Sorry, we don't talk to cheaters.
-WITCHES: Harrumph!
Well, at least tomorrow's another day...
It sure is! Day of lesson learned!
Hey, I actually studied this stuff.
Preparation! It's dynamite!
Go for the five-alarm, dude.
Nah. I think I'll start mild
and work my way up.
He knows his chili limit! Happy tummy!
(CHEERING)
TRIXIE: I can't believe
he actually pulled it off.
He deserved it. He kept working at it.
Yeah, looks like Ron Slam knows
a little more than Tommy King, huh?
You're fired! Now get out of here!
But I need the money for
my third beach house! (CHILDISH SHRIEKING)
I guess there's something to that old,
"If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again," thing, huh?
Usually. Maybe not always, though.
Hey, Stacey, check out my trophy.
I won! Hey, wait up! Stacey!
(LAUGHS) Keep working, Spud.
Keep working...
(LAUGHS) The end!
JAPANESE GAME SHOW HOST:
Judges, show us Jake Long final scores.
For fighting style, Mermaid gives 9.3,
Cyclops gives 9.2
and Mountain Goblin, 0.7.
For hugging style, Mermaid, 8.3,
Cyclops, 7.9 and... (LAUGHS)
Mountain Goblin is really hating
his performance.
For chili spit style (LAUGHS)
who cares about scores?
Show me chili spit again.
Again! Again! Again!
Look out, here comes the castle.