American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 16 - Hairy Christmas - full transcript

(GRUNTING)

(COOING)

(RATTLING)

(COOING)

-(GIGGLING)
-(GROWLS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(COOING)

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

(SCREAMS)

Grab 'em up, boys.

Only two more chopping days
till Christmas.



(CRYING)

(ALL GASP)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(CRYING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ROARING)

(ALL ROARING)

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho.

A tribe of angry sasquatches ain't pretty

and it's going to get a lot uglier

if they don't find that little fuzz ball.

Oh! Hey there, kids.

If you haven't guessed by now,

this is the American Dragon
Hokey Holiday Special.



Like all holiday specials,
it's about family, togetherness...

Blah, blah, blah,
and all that other sappy garbage.

Okay, let's get on with the main titles

before I hurl eggnog all
over the snow right here.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪

♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪

♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪

♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪

♪ A real live wire ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪

♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪

♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪

♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪

♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪

Ya heard?

♪ American Dragon ♪

Yeow!

Okay. So...

'Tis the day before Christmas

and I know two guys having
a rougher morning than me.

(COOING)

FU DOG: Another baby in the woods
just woke up alone in the big city.

(COOING)

And across town...
Sure, he looks peaceful now,

but just wait for the...

-(COW MOOING)
-No!

-(COW MOOING "JINGLE BELLS")
-Aw, man.

Every year.

Rise and shine, my festive family.

Moo-ey Christmas all.

It's time to crank up
the holiday ho-ho meter.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Just for once, can't we do Christmas
with some fresh beats?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ We're talking ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ We're talking yo-yo-yo ♪

♪ My homies and my honeys
and some mistletoe ♪

♪ We're rolling down Broadway
Like it's jingle all the way ♪

♪ But if Santa rides by
we're going to jack his sleigh ♪

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Sorry, Jake-a-roonie-roo

but "Jingle Bells Barnyard"
is a family tradition.

Jumpin' Jack Frost, it is snowing.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(EXCLAIMS) My record! What happened?

Um... lightning?

Don't worry, Daddy.
I'll download a replacement.

Legally, of course.

-(COMPUTER BEEPS)
-I got it!

♪ Oink, oink bells
Oink, oink bells ♪

♪ Oink, oink all the oink ♪

-(GROANS) Ugh!
-Jake,

you're not wearing
your special Christmas sweater.

Do I have to?

Oh, sweet mother of mistletoe, son.
It's a family tradition.

I know, but this year, what say,
we try out some new family traditions?

Why, son? What's wrong
with the super duper ones we have now?

Uh... nobody else is going
to see this, right?

Just family and 500
of our closest friends.

-Okay, everybody, hit your noses.
-(NOSES SQUEAK)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

So, check it. This year, I say we go
Long family Christmas, the remix.

Out with the old traditions

and in with us hittin'
a holiday block party.

It's going to be off the hook.

Oh, oh, a block party.
That sounds perfect.

It does?

Sure. For some period costume
Christmas caroling.

No, no, no, no. Not the caroling.

I get to play the littlest angel.

It's like art imitating life.

Perk up, kiddo.
It's the day before Christmas.

You must have
the saddest face in the city.

(COOS)

(GURGLES)

(ALL SCREAMING)

SUSAN:
♪ Four calling birds ♪

-♪ Three French hens ♪
-♪ Two turtle doves... ♪

And you know, a bird... and stuff.

(MAN COUGHING)

-(MIC SQUEALING)
-Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Everybody, shake your presents
like you want to know what Santa got you.

It's a hip-hop holiday, yo!

-(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
-(ALL WHOOPING)

Knock off your noise pollution
or I will have you all toasted

like a Christmas schnecken strudel!

-Rotwood?
-Wow!

He seems really mad.

I told you you were off-key.

(SCOFFS) The nerve of some.

REPORTER: (ON TV) ...escaped zoo monkey.

Witnesses say the baby gorilla
apparently vanished

right after this footage was taken.

Ah! Gorilla, my lederhosen.

That baby is a sasquatch
and I am going to prove it.

Well, that was just the right shot
of holiday spirit Trixie and I needed.

-Right, baby?
-Whatever.

Mom, we got to get
to the store for dad's eggnog.

Your dad? The colonel's home?

Honey, we talked about this.

Your father just can't make it.

He'll be here for New Year's. I promise.

But it's just not Christmas without Dad.

Hank and the other pilots are
still stuck in Greenland,

unless they can de-ice
his plane by tonight.

SPUD: Ho-ho. Shalom.

Happy Kwanzaa, Christmas,
Hanukkah and Blavastavian fig harvest!

Spud, what are you wearing?

Festive, is it not?

Between all my cousins, aunts, and uncles,

I got relatives observing
every major holiday.

Translation... more gifts
and snackalicious treats for moi.

Who's hungry? I got chocolate coins,

figgy pudding,
and Nana Spudinski's famous fruitcake.

That fruitcake looks like a football.

Tastes like one, too.

The holidays rule!

Now, let's go a-caroling.

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

(SADLY) ♪ And a happy New Year ♪

(CHUCKLES) Well done, well done.

Festive yet melancholy.

Yeah! We rock.

I smell an encore.

No! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I mean, perhaps
you should go before you catch my cold.

(SNEEZES)

Jake, I must speak with you.

Pops, why don't you guys go carol outside
while we help Gramps get back to bed?

Good call, son.

Hey, but don't dillydally, okay?

The tradition train is
pulling out of the station.

(IMITATING TRAIN) Chuga chuga, whoo-whoo!

A sasquatch in New York? How?

Sasquatches are peaceful by nature,

but they'll tear the city apart

if they think it will help them
find their lost baby.

Don't sweat it, G.
I'll find the little guy.

According to the snow sprites,

the baby's tracks have been
spotted around the mall.

You must return it to its tribe
if we hope to avoid a disaster.

(SNEEZES)

Time to heave-ho, ho, ho hoers.

Hey, Pop, you mind if we wrap up
the caroling and hit the mall instead?

The mall? Jake, it is like you unwrapped
my brain and saw my mind.

This is so not what I meant.

-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
-BRAD: Hey, Jake,

why don't you ask Santa
for some diapers? (LAUGHS)

Aw, man!

ROTWOOD: Come out, come out,
wherever you are, little sasquatch!

(BELCHES)

Your special cloaking powers are no match

against the wits of
a trained mytho-biologist.

-(DETECTOR BEEPING)
-Hmm.

The beast is close.

Time to lure him out
with the special sasquatch mating call.

(BLOWS HORN)

(EXCLAIMS IN GERMAN)

(IN ENGLISH) Get them off!
Oh, get them off! Off! Off! Off!

(CHOMPING)

Oh, come on, Jake. Don't be shy.

Tell Santa what you want.

You know what I want for Christmas?

To get away from my wacked family
and their stupid traditions!

-(SQUEAK)
-Huh?

Oh, so you're just too, uh, coolie cool
for your own family, right, Jake?

Dad, look.

I want you to decide, right now,
Mr. Cooly Pants,

how do you want to spend Christmas Eve?

Honoring our traditions
and creating special family moments

or crunking the night away
at some hippy hoppy block party?

-What's it going to be, mister?
-(RATTLING)

-(SQUEAKING)
-Look!

Sorry, Dad. I got to go.

Well, that sure didn't go
how I thought it would.

Jake, you ain't have
to go off on Poppa dog like that.

At least your dad's around for Christmas.

That is so not the spirit
of the Blavastavian fig harvest.

You guys don't understand
Every year it's the same stupid...

Hold up.

Okay. He's all ours.

Just keep it slow and calm and we got him.

You are mine now, sasquatch.

-(SCREAMS)
-Hey!

Yo, 89, I told you that was
a sasquatch on TV.

(SCREAMS)

-There it goes!
-JAKE: Hey!

-Ah!
-(YELPS)

Oh!

(MUFFLED) Oh, man.

Oh, you're back.

(CHUCKLES) Well, let me catch you up...

(STRUMMING NOTES)

Through the gift of song.

(BANJO MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Oh, baby sasquatch is running ♪

♪ The Hunts yahoos are chasing... ♪

(SCREAMS)

♪ But Rotwood's tracking is
somewhat less than amazing ♪

(ROTWOOD YELPS)

♪ Jake's crew is on the hunt ♪

♪ But they're losing the trail and... ♪

(COUGHING) I swallowed a bug.

(GAGS)

(SASQUATCHES GRUNT)

Sweet Santa's dreidel!

The tracks just disappeared.

Guess I won't be the only one not
spending the holidays with their Pops.

Cheer up, Trix. Have a chocolate coin.

Mmm-mmm.
It puts the chocolate in Chanukah.

(GRUNTS)

-(CHITTERS)
-It's baby!

(CHITTERS)

(STORE JINGLE PLAYING ON P.A.)

It's got to be in here somewhere.

Man, and I thought
"Jingle Bells Barnyard" was annoying.

-Oh, did you now?
-Dad...

Mom, Haley...
What are you guys doing here?

We're buying brittle to leave on the roof
for Santa's reindeer.

It's a Christmas tradition,
but you wouldn't care

about anything that wack.

-Right, son?
-Honey...

Maybe Jake came here
to apologize for ruining Christmas.

Me? Look, I am sorry.

I was just trying to cut down
on the lameness factor, that's all.

-I really...
-ROTWOOD: Get your filthy mitts off me!

Really got to go.

Ear of the dragon.

No, wait! I can explain.

You can explain why you were spreading
raw meat all over the second floor?

I thought it was tinsel?

JAKE: Guys, spread out.
He's somewhere on the second floor.

(SPUD SCREAMS)

-(THUDS)
-(GROANS)

(SNIFFS) Mmm...

I think I just found Rotwood's bait.

Yuck!

And I just found the baby.

Hairy white one on the right.

I want the hairy white one!

-It's my toy! Mine, mine, mine, mine!
-(YELPS)

SPUD: Hey, look. He's getting away!

Uh, so if we can't get the sasquatch
for the Huntsman's present,

what do you think?

Betty Bunsen Brownie Burner or...
Potato Patch Buddy?

Oh, the Betty Bunsen. No contest.

(ALL SCREAMING)

-Oh!
-Check it out! The sasquatch.

-Now what?
-Hold up a second. Let's think about this.

If you were a scared little baby,

you'd be looking for a shelter
that felt like home, right?

So, where do sasquatches live?

Hmm. Saskatchewan?

(RIM SHOT)

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

They live in the trees.

We have to go poke
around every tree in Central Park?

He's a bigfoot, Jake.

The trees in Central Park are
way too small.

He'd want to live in something...

Bigger. Trix, you're a genius. Come on.

(CROWD CHEERING)

-EMCEE: And five, four...
-CROWD: And five, four...

We're too late. Look!

-CROWD: ...three, two...
-(COOING)

ALL: One!

Ah! (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

No!

HUNTSBOY #89: Yee-haw!

Gotcha!

(GURGLES)

Now, this is what I call
the wicked, sweet ride.

Yeah. Old Santy Claus
hooked us up real good.

(SCOFFS) Two Hunts losers
are a lot easier to catch

than one baby sasquatch.

Believe me, it could be worse.

-(SASQUATCH ROARING)
-(ALL SCREAMING)

Sweet mother of LaMancha. You were right.

Aw, man.

(SASQUATCHES GROWLING)

Dragon up.

Hang tight, guys.

-Let me talk to him.
-(GROANS)

(GASPS) Dragon?

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

JAKE: Yo!

Hey, hairballs!

-Huh?
-We're gonna find your little guy

but you're going to have to chill
on the smash and crash. You feel me?

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

Huh? Whoa! (GRUNTS)

Uh, Jakey, they ain't feeling you.

-(GROWLING)
-Okay.

So let's hear our other options.

Well, there's not enough
of my Nana's fruitcake to go around,

so I guess I'll just have
to keep them occupied.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Spud on ice.

What's up!

And jazz hands.

(ALL GROWLING)

Ouch! Tough crowd.

-(BOTH GRUNTING)
-Ow!

Oh, would you mind controlling
that little hair tornado back there?

Me? Man, why don't you get your...
Get your sorry...

Dragon!

Oh, let's see
how he likes these Christmas goodies.

Take that and that
and a little bit of that there!

-(BEEP)
-What the...

We got us a Christmas two-fer.

The Huntsman's gonna...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Hey, the Chinese New Year number
isn't till later but keep dancing.

The audience will never know.

(AUDIENCE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

("JINGLE BELLS" INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Suddenly, I'm really missing
that reindeer sweater.

(YELPS)

(YELPING)

That was some world-class skating.

How are they not impressed by that?

Hold fast!

I got an idea.

Hey, yo, hairballs, I've got your baby.

(GROWLING)

Trixie, I think this is a really bad idea.

(ROARING)

Well, you better come on!

-Yah!
-(NEIGHS)

Jakey, whatever you doin',
you better do it faster.

We're approaching the rendezvous point.

Man, signal the Hunts-copter
'cause we just got us a bigfoot.

(GROWLING)

Come on, Jakey. Where you at, boy?

Yee-haw!

-Whoa! They don't come any closer than...
-Whoa!

-Everybody okay?
-(GROWLING CONTINUES)

Things are about to get
really hairy around here.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

(GROWLING)

(BEEP)

(CRYING)

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTS)

(BEEP)

-(GROANS)
-(GRUNTS)

What happened?

Stun-rayed.

Can't move.

Nose itches.

(SASQUATCHES GROANING)

Okay, then.

Time to show these Hunts scrooges
what Christmas is all about.

Nana Spudinski's fruitcake.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(CRYING)

(GROWLING)

-Jake, the baby!
-Huh?

-(SCREAMING)
-Gotcha.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

-(COOING)
-(GRUNTING)

Here you go. Safe and sound.

(ALL GRUNTING)

-(RATTLING)
-(ALL GRUNTING)

Oh, man. They're coming back.

And I'm completely out of fruitcake.

(COOING)

Uh, thanks.

(COOING)

Trix, you okay?

(SNIFFLES) Yeah.

I'm just happy somebody
got to be with his family on Christmas.

Hey, come on, now.

Eggnog smoothies on me.
How does that sound?

-I hate eggnog.
-What?

Four hours ago, you wouldn't shut up
about drinking eggnog with your dad.

I know, but I never said
I liked drinking it.

Ooh, and the smell, player, please.
But my daddy loves that nasty stuff,

so every year, we make it together.

-It's like some kind of...
-Family tradition.

Come on, Trix, let's get you home.

I gotta go out and take care
of one last Christmas present.

Could you drop me off first though, Jake?

Uh, I got to meet my folks
for the holiday fig feast.

-(BLENDER WHIRRING)
-(GROANS)

Huh?

Merry Christmas, baby girl.
I hope you don't mind.

I got started on the eggnog without you.

Daddy!

But your plane? I thought you were iced in
at the base in Greenland.

-How did you...
-It was the strangest thing.

One minute, the plane was frozen.

The next minute, something flew over
the base and melted all the ice away.

Now, I never knew
Santa's reindeer could breathe fire.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Thanks, Jakey.

So, how am I doing so far?

Oh, yeah. Now that is delicious.

JAKE: You guys really didn't have
to wait for me to put the star on.

Sure, we did. It's a family tradition.

Sorry I was such a grouch yesterday.

And I'm sorry if you feel
our traditions are a little...

Oh, how did you put it, wack?

They're not wack.

Okay. Maybe they are, but you know what?
They're our wack traditions.

-Let's open presents.
-Yay!

You know, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to shake things up a bit.

Hey, how about we find something

other than "Barnyard Jingle Bells"
to listen to?

For real?

I can't believe it.
This is the best Christmas ever.

(MONKEY SQUEAKING "JINGLE BELLS")

JONATHAN: It's "Jungle Jingle Bells."
What do you think?

JAKE: Aw, man!

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Did I tell you a story
sweet and sappy enough

to put on your Christmas pancakes
just like eggnog.

(VOMITS)

That's vile. Merry Christmas, kids.

FU DOG: New from Fu Dog Records,

It's the Sasquatch Family
Crooners Holiday Singalong.

(SASQUATCHES GROWLING)

That's right, kids.

You'll get all your favorites
like "Deck The Halls."

(SASQUATCHES GROWLING)

"Good King Wenceslas."

(GROWLING)

And, uh, "Silent Night."

(GROWLING)

Oh, boy, I'm gonna lose a bundle on this.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, kids.