American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 14 - Ski Trip - full transcript
Jake and his class go on an overnight ski trip.
FU: Okay, that cable goes there,
the antenna goes there,
And... What? Not again!
Ah! I can never get the magic channel
on this stupid thing.
Here, hold this.
Fu, I'm trying to do my... Ow!
...homework.
Yeah, yeah. Priorities, kid.
They're doin' a segment
on the Miss Magical World beauty pageant.
Okay, now, perfect. Don't move.
Whoo whee!
Now there's some fine-lookin' lassies.
(HOWLS)
JAKE: You know, call me old school
but a fine-looking lassie
should only have one head.
Yeah, yeah. You're blockin' my view.
Big women, big dreams.
Who will Mr. Pandarus choose?
Eli! Eli! Eli! Eli!
Wait. Eli Pandarus?
Yeah, he's sponsoring the pageant.
Holding it on his private island. Ooh.
Uh, reality check.
Eli Pandarus...
Lying, cheating evil wizard.
Ring any bells?
All I know is the guy who organized
the first magical beauty pageant
can't be all bad. (HOWLS)
KARA: Think again, genius.
FU: Hey, the Oracle twins.
Hi. We had a vision of the pageant.
Pandarus is up to something.
Something unspeakably horrible.
Whoa, whoa, oh!
Oh, and Jake's gonna fall.
Aw, man.
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
JAKE: Dragon up!
♪ American Dragon ♪
Oh, oh, oh, whoa!
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
Break it down with the dragon.
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ From the "J" to the "A"
to the "K" to the "E" ♪
♪ I'm the Mack Daddy dragon of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
GRANDPA: Jake! Get back to work!
Aw, man.
Fu Dog! Have you been messing
with the antenna again?
No. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
-Of course not.
-(GRUNTS)
SARA: Ooh, look at those heels.
She's gonna have a tough time
running for her life in those.
Look, I can figure out
what Pandarus is up to. No sweat.
But since you guys
are hooked up with future on demand,
why don't you just save me the trouble?
Ugh! It's not that easy.
We know something bad's gonna happen.
But we don't know what or how.
It's not an exact science.
Enough! We must go to Pandarus Island.
Yo, G, his island is sealed up tight,
and I'm guessing his mortal enemies
aren't on the guest list.
Unless, of course,
he's having a mortal enemy party
which I seriously doubt,
and if he is, then...
Enough! We must go to Pandarus Island.
We are not allowed onto the island.
But pretty girls are.
Now there's a face
that could launch 1,000 ships.
Or just one headed
for Pandarus Island. Heh.
This is what I call a mission. Hoo hoo!
Fu Dog, I haven't seen you
in a gnome's age.
Jake, buddy,
You remember V-V-Veronica.
Uh, I don't know. Fu, I'm sorry.
I just don't remember...
W-whoa!
Yeah, that rings a bell.
Veronica will enter the pageant
as Miss Magical New York City,
and we will be traveling incognito
as her stylists.
How about a little game of footsie
before we save the world? (LAUGHS)
Oh, you.
Ugh! That gargoyle is wearing my dress.
Can someone powder my noses?
Amia, where's my tutu?
I like samples.
Veronica and I will check in.
You two learn the ways of your enemy.
Let's see. Four guards, two exits...
And 100 chances for love, sweet love.
(HOWLS, PANTS)
Fu, take it easy!
I'm gonna go check out the stage.
Great. I'm gonna go check out
Miss Bermuda Triangle.
And buddy, if I come up missin',
don't send a search party. (CACKLES)
Sheila! Good to see ya again.
Hey, how about later you and me
take a little ride around the ring,
if you know what I mean?
(CACKLES) Giddy up!
Huh!
Ooh, doggy,
we got a live one here.
Hey, there, Iris.
Long time no see.
How about makin' me
your pupil for the day?
Get it, pupil?
(CACKLES)
I see you, you, you, and me
getting to know each other better
over a romantic bowl of kibble.
-(GROWLS)
-Whoa, ladies, don't bite.
There's enough of the Fu to go around.
There you are.
Yo, Fu, you can't go around
treatin' women like this.
You gotta have a little class.
Hey, they're the ones
who put themselves on display, kid.
I'm just enjoyin' the view. (HOWLS, PANTS)
Hey, Kara, wanna shake
those things my way? Ow!
Your wings!
I was talkin' about your wings, not the...
Ah, what do you expect
from a ditzy dame?
(APPLAUSE)
Ladies and gentlemen,
monsters and magicians,
Monty Hall here,
welcoming you to Eli Pandarus'
Miss Magical World beauty pageant,
where we'll find out once and for all
who is the fairest of them all.
Honey, you got a little hay
stuck to your hoof there.
Oh, oh, how embarrassing.
Now let's say hello to our judges.
The Tooth Fairy...
(CHUCKLING)
-Jack Frost...
-(SHIVERS)
And our third celebrity judge,
you know him, you love him.
Ho ho ho. Yeah.
Sorry I'm late, okay?
The north wind was blowin' up a storm,
you know?
Don't even get me started
about parkin' around this place, okay?
And our host with the most...
The most money, that is.
...the richest magical man on Earth,
Eli Pandarus.
(APPLAUSE)
Now remember,
according to the pageant rules,
if you're eliminated from the contest,
you are kicked off the island.
So stay pretty,
and you'll stay in the game.
All right, now.
Let's meet our contestants.
Miss Atlantis.
She likes whirlpools, raw eel
and flips for handsome human princes.
Right. More hair.
Miss Hades.
She loves the color red,
the smell of brimstone and deviled ham.
She can have my soul any day.
JAKE: Fu, some help here?
Yeah, sure, but...
MONTY: Who would want to ring her bell?
-How do I look?
-(WOLF WHISTLE)
Trust me, honey,
with your gams and those heels,
the other girls don't stand a chance.
(HOWLS)
Steady. Steady. Poise.
Confiden... (SCREAMS) Ow!
-What is it?
-My leg.
Well, that narrows it down.
Places.
Veronica. Oh, you okay, doll?
Can you get up?
But she's next.
Yo, G, what are we gonna do?
Did you know in Chinese opera
women were played by men?
That's very enlightening, pops.
But what's it got to do with
the price of tea in China? Aah!
And now, Miss Magical New York City!
(GRUNTS)
(APPLAUSE, CAMERAS CLICK)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hello, boys.
I'm a 600-year-old Shar-Pei.
I got wrinkles on my wrinkles.
I'll never pull this off.
-Come on, Fu. Just go with it.
-Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
You're not the one
squeezed into a size six.
And what does a dog have to do around here
to get some pumps that fit?
I need all contestants
in the dressing room, please.
You think this is easy
prancin' around like some...
Did you say d-d-dressing room?
You know, on second thought,
I think I'm just the dog for this gig.
Hello, girls. Fuella has arrived.
Don't worry, beautiful.
I'll get you the best medical attention
that money can buy.
As long as it's off the island.
Hey!
Hmm. Something about you seems familiar.
Do I know you?
I did... your hair
when you taped
Good Magical Morning New York.
You know, you could really use
a good zhushing. Whoa!
Don't forget to condition!
Trim those sideburns!
-Skip a day of shampooing, and...
-Enough!
So what say we girls start a sorority
and have a pillow fight? Who's in?
-Oops! Hee hee hee hee.
-Ahem!
Susie, um, this is my stylist, Sven.
Eek! Split ends!
(GASPS) No!
Fu, this isn't the time for pillow fights.
Bite your tongue!
Remember what Monty Hall said?
If you're eliminated from the competition,
we're outta here.
You mean,
I actually gotta try and win this thing?
Well, just try and stay alive
in the contest
until we can figure out
what Pandarus is up to.
I'm on it. You can trust Fu.
From now on, my one and only focus
will be stayin' in the game.
No more distractions.
You're my dog.
Fuella, can you zip up my dress?
What are bestest girlfriends for?
(HOWLS)
I'll be right there. Hee hee hee hee.
Sorry. Fuella's got a date
with beauty boot camp.
(SNICKERS)
Facelift? I thought you meant face drop.
Face drop?
Yeah, man.
These wrinkles are my calling card.
I was thinkin' I could use
a few more around the neck here
like...like this. Whoo!
Can't touch that. (SIZZLES)
Just take it easy... (SCREAMS)
Work it. Work it.
Turn to your left, ladies,
and turn to your right.
(YELPS)
Whoo! Well, no pain, no gain, right?
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Oh! Everything hurts.
Yo, G, it's sundown.
Time for a little dragon recon, ya heard?
Yes, it is time.
Whoo hoo! Come on, Fu,
let's go put the pain in Pain-darus.
No can do. Aphrodite Magazine
says beauty sleep is essential.
I got 600 years of bags under my eyes
to sleep off.
It's gotta be Pandarus' crib.
Looks to me like it's dragon time.
(GRUNTS)
Is everything ready?
The secret altar is under the stage
just like you asked.
This time tomorrow, I shall be
the most powerful wizard in the land.
And I'll be the most powerful
game show host in the land. (LAUGHS)
Deal with that, Trebek.
(BOTH GROAN)
-Oh!
-Jake! Look out!
Whoa!
-Hey!
-What's that?
(BOTH GRUNT)
Don't worry about me, Gramps.
I'm on top of it.
Not all of it!
Over here!
Sorry, dudes. Gotta fly.
What is that dragon doing here?
Want me to take him out for ya?
Monty's got a big bowl of pain
behind door number three.
Never mind.
I'm one night away from absolute power.
Nothing, not even the American Dragon
-is going to stop me.
-(GLASS BREAKS)
Whoa! Ow! Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
Fu, wake up, dude.
(SNORING) I'm the prettiest.
No, I'm the prettiest.
Fu! Pageant time!
Aah! My eyes!
(GASPS) Give a dog
time to get his face on, would ya?
So we gotta find out what Pandarus
is hiding under the auditorium.
Hey, there's a trap door, center stage.
I got my heel caught in it yesterday.
Almost took a face plant.
Sweet! We can sneak in through that.
The problem is,
the whole arena's guarded.
The only time anyone can get on stage
Is during the show.
Then that's when we make our move.
Uh, Fu, something funky with your eggs?
No. But my unhealthy relationship
with food is over.
You hear that, eggs?
I'm breakin' up with you,
and that's no yolk.
Uh, Fu, you're really
startin' to scare me.
-(APPLAUSE)
-Welcome back to the finals
of the Miss Magical World beauty pageant.
Give it up for our judges.
-Jack Frost, the Tooth Fairy...
-(CHUCKLING)
...and hello, judge number three.
Ho ho, I tell ya,
we gotta halt production
on those Burping Betty dolls, you know?
Turns out they burp
out of the wrong end, okay?
The kids love it.
But the parents,
well, frankly, they expect more
from the Santa name, you know?
Oh, boy, I tell ya.
(WHISTLES)
Ladies, I just wanted to wish you all
good luck today in the finals.
I'm not ready.
I need time to get my glam on.
(GRUNTS)
-You.
-Me?
No, I... I'm just a girl.
Ah. What do I expect
from a ditzy dame?
(GROWLS) "Ditsy dame"?
What does he think I am,
a piece of meat with no feelings?
If you poke me, do I not giggle?
It's like he doesn't
even see the real me.
-Who does he think he is?
-We get no respect.
-Some men are such dogs.
-You said it, girlfriend.
Places, everyone. Places.
Well, I'll be.
It's the dance of the southern belles.
Is it hot in here, or is it just them?
Ah... (GRUNTS)
Keep up. Sashay, sashay...
Oh! I should have
made him shave his legs.
FU: Okay, now.
Elbow, elbow,
wrist, wrist, wrist, and smiles.
(GRUNTS)
Come, Jake. We must hurry.
(FAINT GROWL)
No arguments here.
-(BOTH GRUNT)
-Hee hee hee.
Hmm. A fork in the road.
(GROWLS)
-This way!
-Ugh! Hurry!
-Heh heh. Heh?
-Aah! Aah! Whoa!
-Oh!
-Oh! Oh!
Hee hee hee hee. Whoops.
Looks like some kind of altar.
Ah, the Prophecy of Koolubius.
"He who weds
the fairest creature of them all
"at the stroke of midnight
on the day the planets align
"shall become
the mightiest wizard in the land."
So Pandarus is gonna...
(GROWLS)
Yo, G, we got company.
JAKE: Come on, ogres.
Show us what you've got.
(BOTH GROWL)
(GRUNTING)
This net, it is sphinx hair.
The only substance that renders
a dragon absolutely powerless.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go marry
the winner of the pageant
and become the mightiest wizard
in all the land.
Not to mention the evilest.
(LAUGHS)
What the heck is takin'
Jake and Grandpa so long?
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ahem.
It's... it's just impossible
to get reliable stylists these days.
I could screech.
I mean, I can't do a thing with my hair.
-(SNIFFLES)
-All these outfits make me look hippy,
and they're off gallivanting.
Seriously, they can't stop
to think about anyone but themselves.
-(CRYING)
-You know what I'm sayin', sister?
Hey. Hey, there, what... What gives, Iris?
I... I can't go on.
I'm just not pretty enough.
I'm all... Eyeball! (CRYING)
What? Oh, no way.
You're beautiful and smart
and have a great sense of humor.
Here. Dry your eye.
Thanks, Fuella.
(SNORTS, BLOWS NOSE)
Oh. You're a peach.
It's time for the personality contest.
Fuella, you're up.
What? I am not ready!
Hee hee hee.
Are you ready, beautiful? Nervous?
-Hee hee hee hee hee. Yes.
-Oh, I'm sure you'll do great.
Okay, first question
from that master of the deep freeze,
Jack Frost.
Eh. Hi.
I'm gonna keep my questions simple.
What's your favorite season?
Um... Winter.
Ooh, I like her.
-Do you like her? I like her.
-(APPLAUSE)
Next, a quarter for her thoughts.
That's right. It's the Tooth Fairy.
Ooh, I love this part.
Let's see those pearly whites.
Oh, hi... Aah!
(GASPS) Uh-uh!
(GAGS, BELCHES)
Oh, pardon me. I am... (GAGS)
I just didn't... (GAGS) expect that...
(GAGS) ...color green. Ooh!
Oh, tough break, Fuella.
Now let's see
what the next judge has to say.
Ho ho. Sorry, hon. You are
definitely on my naughty list, okay.
And my ugly list.
You should donate that body to science.
Science fiction, you know.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ooh, forget it!
No matter how hard I try,
I just can't look like the women
in those fashion rags.
And my personality
is about more than my teeth
and my pear-shaped figure.
I look around this room,
and do you know what I see?
I see the smartest,
most accomplished dames
I've ever had the good fortune to know.
Did you know Janice there
has a Ph.D. in molecular biology?
Lucia, right there.
She's the one who designed
the ancient pyramids,
and Bertha, well,
Bertha's as dull as a spoon.
But she bakes a great cobbler.
Oh, this is hot.
And what have you done
with these amazing women?
Pitted them against each other
and treated them like pieces of meat.
Well, I'm here to tell you
you're all better than that.
And me, I'm already a winner
just for gettin' to know ya.
'Cause you ladies are beautiful in here,
and that's all that really matters.
Ooh!
Get this sniveling nobody off my stage,
and crown a winner, already!
You can take your pageant
and stick it in your ear, Pandarus.
-Yeah. See ya.
-Wouldn't wanna be ya.
Yeah. This pageant is whack, anyway.
Real pageants
create opportunity for women.
Scholarships, philanthropy,
chances to give mind-numbing speeches
about world peace.
CONTESTANT: Yeah, I'm outta here!
The only way you can pull
this sham of a pageant out of the mud
is by naming a real woman as the winner.
I say we give the crown to Fuella
for having the courage to tell the truth.
WOMEN: Fuella! Fuella!
Fuella! Fuella!
Okay, that's it.
Judges, let's get on with it.
I need a winner.
If everyone else has withdrawn,
then make it her.
I don't care if she is a complete dog.
Whoo-hoo! Fuella it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you
the new Miss Magical World,
and officially the fairest of them all,
Fuella!
(WHIMPERS)
Oh, hello. I love you all.
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, I'm gonna cry. Oh, I'm gonna cry.
♪ She's the fairest of them all
Miss Magical World ♪
-(MIC FEEDBACK)
-Okay, that's enough.
Watch the dress, buddy.
It's couture. Uh, hey, where we goin'?
Well, now that the pageant is over,
I guess I can spill the good news.
We're off to fulfill an ancient prophecy.
I marry you, and I become
not only the most devilishly
handsome wizard in the world,
but the most powerful as well.
How nice for you.
There's just one problem.
(ALL GASP)
Look, it's that jerk
who was hitting on us yesterday.
That's right.
How's that prophecy lookin' now, Pandarus?
It's looking fine. All I need to do
is marry the fairest of them all.
Which, according to your tiara and plaque
is you.
Ta-ta, everyone.
(ALL GASP)
This worked out perfectly.
I needed two witnesses
to our blessed union,
and voila, here you are...
just hangin' around.
Fu, watch out!
Pandarus is gonna
take the winner of the contest
and make her his bride.
Uh, you're lookin' at her, kid.
-What? You won?
-No way!
Oh, and that's so hard to believe?
Let's get this over with.
Welcome. We have
chained here together...
I... I mean, gathered here together...
PANDARUS: Just get on with it.
Uh, "dearly beloved." Yada, yada, yada...
"Gathered here today." Yada, yada.
-Anyone have any objections?
-WOMAN: We do!
Hey, guess they couldn't stand
to see me off the market. Hoo hoo!
(GRUNTING)
Yeah!
You girls rock!
WOMAN 1: It's no use.
There's too many of them.
WOMAN 2: Guess again.
(SHRIEKING)
-(ALL GASP)
-Look out!
(OGRES GROANING)
Take him. Take him!
Just don't hurt me.
Whoo hoo!
Now that's what I call girl power.
Ladies, I gotta hand it to ya.
You really saved my tail in the end there.
So thanks.
Yeah, well, we're still mad
that you lied to us.
But we're also awful proud of you
for standin' up for us.
You know, I meant every word.
Trust me.
I was a better dog as a woman
than I ever was as a dog.
Wow. Fu Dog has really come around.
I must say,
I'm grateful to all you ladies.
This entire weekend
has been a test for me...
A test which
I'm proud to say I passed.
-(HONK HONK)
-Hey, hands off the hump.
I said I passed.
I didn't say I got an "A."
I didn't get a "B," either,
Or a "C," or a "D."
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
the antenna goes there,
And... What? Not again!
Ah! I can never get the magic channel
on this stupid thing.
Here, hold this.
Fu, I'm trying to do my... Ow!
...homework.
Yeah, yeah. Priorities, kid.
They're doin' a segment
on the Miss Magical World beauty pageant.
Okay, now, perfect. Don't move.
Whoo whee!
Now there's some fine-lookin' lassies.
(HOWLS)
JAKE: You know, call me old school
but a fine-looking lassie
should only have one head.
Yeah, yeah. You're blockin' my view.
Big women, big dreams.
Who will Mr. Pandarus choose?
Eli! Eli! Eli! Eli!
Wait. Eli Pandarus?
Yeah, he's sponsoring the pageant.
Holding it on his private island. Ooh.
Uh, reality check.
Eli Pandarus...
Lying, cheating evil wizard.
Ring any bells?
All I know is the guy who organized
the first magical beauty pageant
can't be all bad. (HOWLS)
KARA: Think again, genius.
FU: Hey, the Oracle twins.
Hi. We had a vision of the pageant.
Pandarus is up to something.
Something unspeakably horrible.
Whoa, whoa, oh!
Oh, and Jake's gonna fall.
Aw, man.
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
JAKE: Dragon up!
♪ American Dragon ♪
Oh, oh, oh, whoa!
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
Break it down with the dragon.
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ From the "J" to the "A"
to the "K" to the "E" ♪
♪ I'm the Mack Daddy dragon of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
GRANDPA: Jake! Get back to work!
Aw, man.
Fu Dog! Have you been messing
with the antenna again?
No. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
-Of course not.
-(GRUNTS)
SARA: Ooh, look at those heels.
She's gonna have a tough time
running for her life in those.
Look, I can figure out
what Pandarus is up to. No sweat.
But since you guys
are hooked up with future on demand,
why don't you just save me the trouble?
Ugh! It's not that easy.
We know something bad's gonna happen.
But we don't know what or how.
It's not an exact science.
Enough! We must go to Pandarus Island.
Yo, G, his island is sealed up tight,
and I'm guessing his mortal enemies
aren't on the guest list.
Unless, of course,
he's having a mortal enemy party
which I seriously doubt,
and if he is, then...
Enough! We must go to Pandarus Island.
We are not allowed onto the island.
But pretty girls are.
Now there's a face
that could launch 1,000 ships.
Or just one headed
for Pandarus Island. Heh.
This is what I call a mission. Hoo hoo!
Fu Dog, I haven't seen you
in a gnome's age.
Jake, buddy,
You remember V-V-Veronica.
Uh, I don't know. Fu, I'm sorry.
I just don't remember...
W-whoa!
Yeah, that rings a bell.
Veronica will enter the pageant
as Miss Magical New York City,
and we will be traveling incognito
as her stylists.
How about a little game of footsie
before we save the world? (LAUGHS)
Oh, you.
Ugh! That gargoyle is wearing my dress.
Can someone powder my noses?
Amia, where's my tutu?
I like samples.
Veronica and I will check in.
You two learn the ways of your enemy.
Let's see. Four guards, two exits...
And 100 chances for love, sweet love.
(HOWLS, PANTS)
Fu, take it easy!
I'm gonna go check out the stage.
Great. I'm gonna go check out
Miss Bermuda Triangle.
And buddy, if I come up missin',
don't send a search party. (CACKLES)
Sheila! Good to see ya again.
Hey, how about later you and me
take a little ride around the ring,
if you know what I mean?
(CACKLES) Giddy up!
Huh!
Ooh, doggy,
we got a live one here.
Hey, there, Iris.
Long time no see.
How about makin' me
your pupil for the day?
Get it, pupil?
(CACKLES)
I see you, you, you, and me
getting to know each other better
over a romantic bowl of kibble.
-(GROWLS)
-Whoa, ladies, don't bite.
There's enough of the Fu to go around.
There you are.
Yo, Fu, you can't go around
treatin' women like this.
You gotta have a little class.
Hey, they're the ones
who put themselves on display, kid.
I'm just enjoyin' the view. (HOWLS, PANTS)
Hey, Kara, wanna shake
those things my way? Ow!
Your wings!
I was talkin' about your wings, not the...
Ah, what do you expect
from a ditzy dame?
(APPLAUSE)
Ladies and gentlemen,
monsters and magicians,
Monty Hall here,
welcoming you to Eli Pandarus'
Miss Magical World beauty pageant,
where we'll find out once and for all
who is the fairest of them all.
Honey, you got a little hay
stuck to your hoof there.
Oh, oh, how embarrassing.
Now let's say hello to our judges.
The Tooth Fairy...
(CHUCKLING)
-Jack Frost...
-(SHIVERS)
And our third celebrity judge,
you know him, you love him.
Ho ho ho. Yeah.
Sorry I'm late, okay?
The north wind was blowin' up a storm,
you know?
Don't even get me started
about parkin' around this place, okay?
And our host with the most...
The most money, that is.
...the richest magical man on Earth,
Eli Pandarus.
(APPLAUSE)
Now remember,
according to the pageant rules,
if you're eliminated from the contest,
you are kicked off the island.
So stay pretty,
and you'll stay in the game.
All right, now.
Let's meet our contestants.
Miss Atlantis.
She likes whirlpools, raw eel
and flips for handsome human princes.
Right. More hair.
Miss Hades.
She loves the color red,
the smell of brimstone and deviled ham.
She can have my soul any day.
JAKE: Fu, some help here?
Yeah, sure, but...
MONTY: Who would want to ring her bell?
-How do I look?
-(WOLF WHISTLE)
Trust me, honey,
with your gams and those heels,
the other girls don't stand a chance.
(HOWLS)
Steady. Steady. Poise.
Confiden... (SCREAMS) Ow!
-What is it?
-My leg.
Well, that narrows it down.
Places.
Veronica. Oh, you okay, doll?
Can you get up?
But she's next.
Yo, G, what are we gonna do?
Did you know in Chinese opera
women were played by men?
That's very enlightening, pops.
But what's it got to do with
the price of tea in China? Aah!
And now, Miss Magical New York City!
(GRUNTS)
(APPLAUSE, CAMERAS CLICK)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hello, boys.
I'm a 600-year-old Shar-Pei.
I got wrinkles on my wrinkles.
I'll never pull this off.
-Come on, Fu. Just go with it.
-Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
You're not the one
squeezed into a size six.
And what does a dog have to do around here
to get some pumps that fit?
I need all contestants
in the dressing room, please.
You think this is easy
prancin' around like some...
Did you say d-d-dressing room?
You know, on second thought,
I think I'm just the dog for this gig.
Hello, girls. Fuella has arrived.
Don't worry, beautiful.
I'll get you the best medical attention
that money can buy.
As long as it's off the island.
Hey!
Hmm. Something about you seems familiar.
Do I know you?
I did... your hair
when you taped
Good Magical Morning New York.
You know, you could really use
a good zhushing. Whoa!
Don't forget to condition!
Trim those sideburns!
-Skip a day of shampooing, and...
-Enough!
So what say we girls start a sorority
and have a pillow fight? Who's in?
-Oops! Hee hee hee hee.
-Ahem!
Susie, um, this is my stylist, Sven.
Eek! Split ends!
(GASPS) No!
Fu, this isn't the time for pillow fights.
Bite your tongue!
Remember what Monty Hall said?
If you're eliminated from the competition,
we're outta here.
You mean,
I actually gotta try and win this thing?
Well, just try and stay alive
in the contest
until we can figure out
what Pandarus is up to.
I'm on it. You can trust Fu.
From now on, my one and only focus
will be stayin' in the game.
No more distractions.
You're my dog.
Fuella, can you zip up my dress?
What are bestest girlfriends for?
(HOWLS)
I'll be right there. Hee hee hee hee.
Sorry. Fuella's got a date
with beauty boot camp.
(SNICKERS)
Facelift? I thought you meant face drop.
Face drop?
Yeah, man.
These wrinkles are my calling card.
I was thinkin' I could use
a few more around the neck here
like...like this. Whoo!
Can't touch that. (SIZZLES)
Just take it easy... (SCREAMS)
Work it. Work it.
Turn to your left, ladies,
and turn to your right.
(YELPS)
Whoo! Well, no pain, no gain, right?
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Oh! Everything hurts.
Yo, G, it's sundown.
Time for a little dragon recon, ya heard?
Yes, it is time.
Whoo hoo! Come on, Fu,
let's go put the pain in Pain-darus.
No can do. Aphrodite Magazine
says beauty sleep is essential.
I got 600 years of bags under my eyes
to sleep off.
It's gotta be Pandarus' crib.
Looks to me like it's dragon time.
(GRUNTS)
Is everything ready?
The secret altar is under the stage
just like you asked.
This time tomorrow, I shall be
the most powerful wizard in the land.
And I'll be the most powerful
game show host in the land. (LAUGHS)
Deal with that, Trebek.
(BOTH GROAN)
-Oh!
-Jake! Look out!
Whoa!
-Hey!
-What's that?
(BOTH GRUNT)
Don't worry about me, Gramps.
I'm on top of it.
Not all of it!
Over here!
Sorry, dudes. Gotta fly.
What is that dragon doing here?
Want me to take him out for ya?
Monty's got a big bowl of pain
behind door number three.
Never mind.
I'm one night away from absolute power.
Nothing, not even the American Dragon
-is going to stop me.
-(GLASS BREAKS)
Whoa! Ow! Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
Fu, wake up, dude.
(SNORING) I'm the prettiest.
No, I'm the prettiest.
Fu! Pageant time!
Aah! My eyes!
(GASPS) Give a dog
time to get his face on, would ya?
So we gotta find out what Pandarus
is hiding under the auditorium.
Hey, there's a trap door, center stage.
I got my heel caught in it yesterday.
Almost took a face plant.
Sweet! We can sneak in through that.
The problem is,
the whole arena's guarded.
The only time anyone can get on stage
Is during the show.
Then that's when we make our move.
Uh, Fu, something funky with your eggs?
No. But my unhealthy relationship
with food is over.
You hear that, eggs?
I'm breakin' up with you,
and that's no yolk.
Uh, Fu, you're really
startin' to scare me.
-(APPLAUSE)
-Welcome back to the finals
of the Miss Magical World beauty pageant.
Give it up for our judges.
-Jack Frost, the Tooth Fairy...
-(CHUCKLING)
...and hello, judge number three.
Ho ho, I tell ya,
we gotta halt production
on those Burping Betty dolls, you know?
Turns out they burp
out of the wrong end, okay?
The kids love it.
But the parents,
well, frankly, they expect more
from the Santa name, you know?
Oh, boy, I tell ya.
(WHISTLES)
Ladies, I just wanted to wish you all
good luck today in the finals.
I'm not ready.
I need time to get my glam on.
(GRUNTS)
-You.
-Me?
No, I... I'm just a girl.
Ah. What do I expect
from a ditzy dame?
(GROWLS) "Ditsy dame"?
What does he think I am,
a piece of meat with no feelings?
If you poke me, do I not giggle?
It's like he doesn't
even see the real me.
-Who does he think he is?
-We get no respect.
-Some men are such dogs.
-You said it, girlfriend.
Places, everyone. Places.
Well, I'll be.
It's the dance of the southern belles.
Is it hot in here, or is it just them?
Ah... (GRUNTS)
Keep up. Sashay, sashay...
Oh! I should have
made him shave his legs.
FU: Okay, now.
Elbow, elbow,
wrist, wrist, wrist, and smiles.
(GRUNTS)
Come, Jake. We must hurry.
(FAINT GROWL)
No arguments here.
-(BOTH GRUNT)
-Hee hee hee.
Hmm. A fork in the road.
(GROWLS)
-This way!
-Ugh! Hurry!
-Heh heh. Heh?
-Aah! Aah! Whoa!
-Oh!
-Oh! Oh!
Hee hee hee hee. Whoops.
Looks like some kind of altar.
Ah, the Prophecy of Koolubius.
"He who weds
the fairest creature of them all
"at the stroke of midnight
on the day the planets align
"shall become
the mightiest wizard in the land."
So Pandarus is gonna...
(GROWLS)
Yo, G, we got company.
JAKE: Come on, ogres.
Show us what you've got.
(BOTH GROWL)
(GRUNTING)
This net, it is sphinx hair.
The only substance that renders
a dragon absolutely powerless.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go marry
the winner of the pageant
and become the mightiest wizard
in all the land.
Not to mention the evilest.
(LAUGHS)
What the heck is takin'
Jake and Grandpa so long?
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Ahem.
It's... it's just impossible
to get reliable stylists these days.
I could screech.
I mean, I can't do a thing with my hair.
-(SNIFFLES)
-All these outfits make me look hippy,
and they're off gallivanting.
Seriously, they can't stop
to think about anyone but themselves.
-(CRYING)
-You know what I'm sayin', sister?
Hey. Hey, there, what... What gives, Iris?
I... I can't go on.
I'm just not pretty enough.
I'm all... Eyeball! (CRYING)
What? Oh, no way.
You're beautiful and smart
and have a great sense of humor.
Here. Dry your eye.
Thanks, Fuella.
(SNORTS, BLOWS NOSE)
Oh. You're a peach.
It's time for the personality contest.
Fuella, you're up.
What? I am not ready!
Hee hee hee.
Are you ready, beautiful? Nervous?
-Hee hee hee hee hee. Yes.
-Oh, I'm sure you'll do great.
Okay, first question
from that master of the deep freeze,
Jack Frost.
Eh. Hi.
I'm gonna keep my questions simple.
What's your favorite season?
Um... Winter.
Ooh, I like her.
-Do you like her? I like her.
-(APPLAUSE)
Next, a quarter for her thoughts.
That's right. It's the Tooth Fairy.
Ooh, I love this part.
Let's see those pearly whites.
Oh, hi... Aah!
(GASPS) Uh-uh!
(GAGS, BELCHES)
Oh, pardon me. I am... (GAGS)
I just didn't... (GAGS) expect that...
(GAGS) ...color green. Ooh!
Oh, tough break, Fuella.
Now let's see
what the next judge has to say.
Ho ho. Sorry, hon. You are
definitely on my naughty list, okay.
And my ugly list.
You should donate that body to science.
Science fiction, you know.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ooh, forget it!
No matter how hard I try,
I just can't look like the women
in those fashion rags.
And my personality
is about more than my teeth
and my pear-shaped figure.
I look around this room,
and do you know what I see?
I see the smartest,
most accomplished dames
I've ever had the good fortune to know.
Did you know Janice there
has a Ph.D. in molecular biology?
Lucia, right there.
She's the one who designed
the ancient pyramids,
and Bertha, well,
Bertha's as dull as a spoon.
But she bakes a great cobbler.
Oh, this is hot.
And what have you done
with these amazing women?
Pitted them against each other
and treated them like pieces of meat.
Well, I'm here to tell you
you're all better than that.
And me, I'm already a winner
just for gettin' to know ya.
'Cause you ladies are beautiful in here,
and that's all that really matters.
Ooh!
Get this sniveling nobody off my stage,
and crown a winner, already!
You can take your pageant
and stick it in your ear, Pandarus.
-Yeah. See ya.
-Wouldn't wanna be ya.
Yeah. This pageant is whack, anyway.
Real pageants
create opportunity for women.
Scholarships, philanthropy,
chances to give mind-numbing speeches
about world peace.
CONTESTANT: Yeah, I'm outta here!
The only way you can pull
this sham of a pageant out of the mud
is by naming a real woman as the winner.
I say we give the crown to Fuella
for having the courage to tell the truth.
WOMEN: Fuella! Fuella!
Fuella! Fuella!
Okay, that's it.
Judges, let's get on with it.
I need a winner.
If everyone else has withdrawn,
then make it her.
I don't care if she is a complete dog.
Whoo-hoo! Fuella it is.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you
the new Miss Magical World,
and officially the fairest of them all,
Fuella!
(WHIMPERS)
Oh, hello. I love you all.
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, I'm gonna cry. Oh, I'm gonna cry.
♪ She's the fairest of them all
Miss Magical World ♪
-(MIC FEEDBACK)
-Okay, that's enough.
Watch the dress, buddy.
It's couture. Uh, hey, where we goin'?
Well, now that the pageant is over,
I guess I can spill the good news.
We're off to fulfill an ancient prophecy.
I marry you, and I become
not only the most devilishly
handsome wizard in the world,
but the most powerful as well.
How nice for you.
There's just one problem.
(ALL GASP)
Look, it's that jerk
who was hitting on us yesterday.
That's right.
How's that prophecy lookin' now, Pandarus?
It's looking fine. All I need to do
is marry the fairest of them all.
Which, according to your tiara and plaque
is you.
Ta-ta, everyone.
(ALL GASP)
This worked out perfectly.
I needed two witnesses
to our blessed union,
and voila, here you are...
just hangin' around.
Fu, watch out!
Pandarus is gonna
take the winner of the contest
and make her his bride.
Uh, you're lookin' at her, kid.
-What? You won?
-No way!
Oh, and that's so hard to believe?
Let's get this over with.
Welcome. We have
chained here together...
I... I mean, gathered here together...
PANDARUS: Just get on with it.
Uh, "dearly beloved." Yada, yada, yada...
"Gathered here today." Yada, yada.
-Anyone have any objections?
-WOMAN: We do!
Hey, guess they couldn't stand
to see me off the market. Hoo hoo!
(GRUNTING)
Yeah!
You girls rock!
WOMAN 1: It's no use.
There's too many of them.
WOMAN 2: Guess again.
(SHRIEKING)
-(ALL GASP)
-Look out!
(OGRES GROANING)
Take him. Take him!
Just don't hurt me.
Whoo hoo!
Now that's what I call girl power.
Ladies, I gotta hand it to ya.
You really saved my tail in the end there.
So thanks.
Yeah, well, we're still mad
that you lied to us.
But we're also awful proud of you
for standin' up for us.
You know, I meant every word.
Trust me.
I was a better dog as a woman
than I ever was as a dog.
Wow. Fu Dog has really come around.
I must say,
I'm grateful to all you ladies.
This entire weekend
has been a test for me...
A test which
I'm proud to say I passed.
-(HONK HONK)
-Hey, hands off the hump.
I said I passed.
I didn't say I got an "A."
I didn't get a "B," either,
Or a "C," or a "D."
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)