American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 9 - Vision: Impossible - full transcript
When Roger wakes up from a coma after a car accident, he has the ability to see into the future.
(upbeat march plays)
¶ Good morning, USA!
¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
¶ Good...
¶ Good morning, USA
Aah!
¶ Good morning, USA!
Oh, my God, for my birthday!
What a surprise!
You guys!
I almost had a heart attack!
Okay, I got my birthday
all planned out.
I want us all to drink
a bunch of Four Lokos,
then swim across the lake
after midnight.
I really don't think
it's that far across.
It looks real close.
Roger, didn't you
just have a birthday
a couple of months ago?
Yeah, that's right.
You made us ride ATVs
on Ted Nugent's ranch
without his permission.
Fine, you caught me.
It's not my birthday.
But that's the only day
of the year
I can get you nervous Nellies
to do anything adventurous.
So, who's in
for the Loko lake swim?
Look, Roger, we're all
for trying new things,
but that sounds
too dangerous.
Yeah, if new things
are so great,
where have they been
all this time?
Well, well, well,
what have we here?
Discount coupons
to the American Safety Museum?!
(singsongy):
Using these!
Oh, look, they're doing an
exhibit on Augustus Seatbelt,
the inventor of the airbag.
Hello?!
We're not going
to any stupid safety museum.
(sighs) Why doesn't anyone
ever listen to me?
You guys will not believe
what's in this towel.
A baby! A baby
you gave birth to
and you didn't even know
you were pregnant!
It just popped out
on the lawn.
You thought you were just
taking a "D" on the lawn,
but surprise,
it wasn't a deuce,
it was a baby
and it's in that towel!
Show me that baby!
No, it's a raccoon.
What did you do
with your baby?!
Look at this adorable guy!
I'm gonna call him Cuddles...
after the cat he was eating
when I found him.
Oh, my God, you won't do
my dangerous birthday plan,
but you're gonna
let her keep
a wild animal
in the house?
She got a pet.
I think it's nice.
Uch, forget this.
I'm gonna go do something
on the edge like skydiving,
or trying on underwear
at Marshall's.
Oh, hey, Roger,
there you are.
I wanted
to ask your advice.
Finally! Someone who wants
to hear what I have to say.
So I have a crush
on this girl,
but she only goes
for jocks.
Well, she sounds
too smart for you, Steve.
I suggest
you find somebody else,
'cause you'll never be a jock.
That's it!
I'll become a jock!
You'll be as good a jock
as you are a listener.
They should've listened to me.
That was an epic swim.
I think my favorite part
was when
that guy drowned trying
to save me.
Now, if only there was a way
I could remember this day
forever.
Oh, my God, a red-light camera!
(tires screech)
(horns beeping)
Now if this light would
just turn red,
we'd have one hell
of a picture.
MAN:
Hey, come on!
What are you
waiting for?
Blow it out your ass!
(camera clicks)
(screeching tires, banging,
crashing)
(screeching tires,
banging, crashing)
(Roger groaning)
Roger, thank God you're awake!
You've been in a coma.
Oh, my God,
how long was I out?
This long?
Or this long?
The first one.
Roger, I just want to tell you
how happy we are
that we didn't go along
with your stupid plan.
Yes, if you weren't so easy
to dismiss,
we could be in here with you.
Mom, Dad, thank you
for not listening to Roger.
Well, this has been
a grand reunion.
Roger, you're awake,
which means you're
probably alive.
Let's check
your vitals.
(gasping)
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye!
A body...
a lawsuit...
Doctor, I just
had a vision.
You're being
fired by a baby.
Well, that's impossible,
unless it was Dr. Baby,
the baby who's in charge
of this hospital.
But I assure you,
your vision wasn't real.
It was nothing but
a postcomatic delusion.
You just need
a little more rest.
I think your family should
probably leave.
I'm sorry, what?
I thought you guys should go.
Yeah, so did we.
I swear, what I saw
seemed so real.
I think you're
gonna lose your job.
(chuckles)
There's nothing
to worry about.
I'm a dedicated professional
with a spotless record...
You see, when I'm engaged
with a patient,
it's as if the whole world
disappears around me.
(device emits steady tone)
Oh, no, the bad sound.
He's dead!
This was clearly
your fault, Doctor!
Damn it!
It's gonna take more
than a game of peekaboo
with Dr. Baby
to get out of this one.
(sobbing)
Oh, my God, I was right!
This was my vision!
Ma'am? Ma'am, I was right.
(gasps)
I see you on a beach...
with a guy!
I wouldn't dread
hanging out with him.
Your new boyfriend
has dreadlocks.
How dare you?!
I'll never love
anyone but my husband.
I'm here to gather
the dead man, mon.
Whoa, you look sexy
when you cry.
Really? No one's ever noticed
that about me before.
How about I buy you
a Red Stripe?
And that's when I was sure
that I could see the future.
Roger, the last time you thought
you could see the future,
you said that Rodney would
have the best party.
But his parents came home
early and ruined
the whole thing.
(doorbell rings)
It's here!
One Rowflex and
five containers
of protein powder.
Thanks to all this,
I'm about to become a jock!
(gasping)
You're never gonna use
any of that stuff!
Of course
I'm gonna use it!
And I'm starting with
a protein shake right now.
(grunting)
Mom?
All right, give it to me.
(gasping)
I see a desperate man
with a clip-on tie...
a set of keys...
Francine, you're getting
a new car!
That's ridiculous, Roger.
I just got a new car
and I love it.
It's the same car
that Matt Damon drove
in We Bought a Zoo.
I like to drive around and
pretend I have zoo problems.
"Oh, my God, what am I
gonna do about my zoo?"
Right?
It's time!
Everybody ready to go
to the American Safety Museum?
Interesting. It says here
autoerotic asphyxiation
is the number one
cause of awkward funerals.
Ooh, they have a picture?
Oh, my God, you can't go!
Horrible things will happen!
Roger, what
could happen?
It's the
Safety Museum.
Yeah, it's not like
it's the Natural History Museum,
full of dangerous ideas
and attitudes.
Ignore him, Stan.
We can take my car.
You have to believe me!
You're making a huge mistake!
Were you talking to me?
'Cause I was only gonna try
it this once.
I have a paper due
in the morning.
You have been randomly
selected for racial profiling.
Hoo-hoo-hoo,
this is so real!
Stan, this museum
has some great exhibits.
Yeah, let's go check out
the "Kobe Bryant Encounter."
Do you want to come
up to my hotel room?
Sure!
(siren wails)
I think we should move on.
No, I know
I can get this!
Do you want to come
up to my hotel room?
As long as you have a T-shirt
I can sleep in.
Forget it. This is impossible.
Is this an exhibit,
or is this just a wet floor?
I don't know.
I just started.
The last tour guide
got fired yesterday.
She was not happy.
Hey, there she is. Hi, Helen!
Safety off!
We gotta get
out of here!
It's just a really good replica
of an emergency exit!
It's so accurate!
This isn't real either!
None of it's real!
There are no actual safety
precautions in this museum!
What do we do?!
I'll tell you
what to do...
if you're ready
to listen.
Roger! What are you
doing here?!
Don't worry,
I know everything
that's gonna happen.
Hayley, take the traffic cones
and make them
into a "U" over there!
Francine,
grab that wheelchair!
Stan, get
that fire extinguisher!
Steve, put
that bulletproof vest on!
Wait a minute,
shouldn't we all get vests?
I wrote this
14 minutes ago,
because in my vision,
you asked me that
exact stupid question.
Now do what I say!
(people screaming)
Oh, no,
they're gonna trample us!
ROGER:
Just stay behind the cones!
Oh, my God, it hurts!
Why didn't you just have me
stand somewhere else?!
Less fun.
Everybody climb on!
(Francine screams)
(Steve gasps)
Oh, my God, Roger, you saved...
Hold on.
Wait for it.
(car alarm wails)
My car!
And I'm pretty sure that
warrants a trip to Cold Stone.
Roger, you were right
about everything!
We should have
listened to you.
Oh, I'll accept
your apology.
And the lanyard you made me
at Camp Shoulda Woulda Coulda.
I can't believe that Roger can
see the future.
Now hold on.
I don't know
if it proves that.
You know that note
I gave you?
Turn it over.
This is my
cell phone number.
Excuse me, Miss.
Are you all right?
Light him up, girl.
He's not gonna call.
He thinks you could
lose ten pounds.
But that's not why
he doesn't call.
He dies in that fire.
So you didn't need to tell me
about the ten pounds.
Somebody needed
to tell you.
I can't believe Roger
can predict the future.
Yeah, but, like,
compared to people
from the past,
like, to them,
like, we are the
future to them.
(exhales)
I'm definitely
feeling it now.
(door opens)
That was amazing,
Roger!
See what happens
when you listen to me?
He picked
every horse!
Roger's
unbelievable!
He...
Knew that you'd want to eat
chili dogs for lunch.
And then he...
Knew in the third race
it'd take three bullets to put
down Daddy's Lucky Girl.
And now I'm...
Getting tired of me
interrupting you?
(gasps)
How did you...
Know?
You just gave me goose bumps!
I love it!
Speaking of love,
Roger,
there's another girl
in my class
I think I have
a pretty good shot with.
Oh?
Well, allow me.
Come here, you...
(moaning)
(laughs)
(laughs)
Roger, what's
so funny?
Nothing.
I say go for it.
(laughing)
Hey, uh, I was gonna go
take a dip in the pool.
How-how's that
work out for me?
Stan, I'm not wasting
my gift on that.
Come on, Roger.
Touch it.
You drop a load
in the pool.
Wait, no.
It's a Baby Ruth.
Wait, no.
That's a scene
from Caddyshack...
which I'm trying
to watch.
Do I end up
watching it with you?
Yes, and you annoy me
the whole time
with your
questions.
Oh.
What kind of
questions?
(sighs)
Roger, am I gonna
like this salad?
Should I be taking
smaller bites?
Roger, am I about to say
something funny?
I want to say
something funny.
Is that enough?
Is... is... is-is that...
Is that too much?
How... how 'bout...
how 'bout now?
Steve, dump that and get
yourself another salad.
Why?
Does something happen
to me if I eat this salad?
No, I'm just using
common sense.
Well, can't you just have
a vision so I can be sure?
So it doesn't matter
what I think?
No, we don't care
what you think,
we care what you see.
Well, fine.
If that's all
you're after...
Wait, where are
you going?
Should we go
with you?
Should I have even
left the kitchen?
Look, no more
questions.
I need to take
a thinkin' drive.
Wait, wait,
you can't leave!
I have homework
tonight!
Is it gonna be
on the test tomorrow
or can I blow
it off?
Should I take
a bath tonight
or will I fall
asleep and drown?
Do I have to go
to the bathroom?
Look, you guys are on your own.
I'm outta here.
At least let us
come with you!
No, you should...
you should... you should
probably stay here.
Why? Are we all gonna die
if we come with you?
Yes.
That.
You're all gonna die
if you leave the house.
Slam that door if
I get really rich soon!
Oh, so close!
Well, I wanted them
to listen to me.
Didn't work out so well,
though, did it?
No, sir.
There might be a lesson
to learn from this
if I were the kind of guy
who could learn lessons.
But lessons are not for me.
Lessons are for school boys.
School boys are for me!
Red light!
(crashing)
Ah, what a restful coma.
How long have
I been out?
Three weeks.
We would have been able
to revive you sooner,
but Dr. Stack was
the coma expert
and he got fired
and sued into poverty
by a grieving widow and
her Rastafarian fiancé.
Huh.
So... can I get
an orange juice,
or is there a long-ass
story about that, too?
Lunch'll be here
in 20 minutes.
You can wait
till then.
Hmm.
Nice attitude.
Let's see
how you die!
Wait!
I'm not getting
any visions.
My powers are gone!
But I haven't
lost mine.
ANNOUNCER:
Mind Quad!
Sounds like you're
thirsty, friend.
(tires squeal)
I'm not gonna drink from
the same glass as him.
He's gross.
So you had powers
and now you lost them?
It's like me.
In my country,
I'm doctor.
Really?
What kind of doctor?
Dah, you caught me.
I'm lying.
What the...
(gasps)
Roger, thank God you're back!
Everybody, Roger's back!
Oh, Roger,
what a relief!
We don't have
to be scared anymore.
Yeah, maybe we can
leave the house now.
Wait a minute.
You haven't left
the house in three weeks?
You told us we'd
all die if we did.
And all of your
fortunes have come true!
Huh.
I guess I did say that.
But how have you survived?
It hasn't been easy.
The toilet paper ran
out before the food,
so that was gross.
But when we started
eating the couch,
we stopped needing
toilet paper.
The stuffing wipes
itself on the way out.
Okay, this is bad.
Wait, wait, where's Klaus?
KLAUS:
I'm right here.
Oh, my God, Klaus,
you're living in
your own filth.
KLAUS:
I try not to talk
so it doesn't
get in my mouth.
(coughs)
Ugh, it got
in my mouth.
Brissam
beeginch?
R-Rettehsat?
Okay, what is that?
Oh, in your absence
Steve's forgotten English.
Eng...
Engrish.
How did my absence
in any way affect
Steve's handle on
the English language?
I haven't even
been gone a month.
Steve...
Mo-onth.
All right, all right.
Before I left, I told you guys
not to leave the house
and you embraced it.
Now I'm telling you you'll die
if you don't get
out of this house.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't you want to
have a vision,
make sure it's safe?
Oh, uh,
yeah, sure.
(moaning)
Yes, my vision says
you will be super safe.
Get out there!
Soba slasha on...
Steve's right.
It's just
the sprinklers.
(chirping)
Whoops.
Flaps flaps ze zap zap!
It's not safe!
It's not safe!
We almost got killed.
(screams)
Steve's right.
You lied to us.
Uch, you got me.
I lost my powers.
Now we can go back
to our normal lives.
Isn't that great?
No, it's not great!
Without your powers,
we have no idea
what dangers are lurking
outside this house!
Yeah, but there is nothing
you can do about it.
How useless was that Costco
five-pack of hammers now,
Francine?
KLAUS:
Look, I'm helping!
You guys,
listen...
(thud, growling)
Oh, my God, what was that?
I don't know!
Let's hide in
the basement!
Steve, your
English is back.
Oh, I was just doing that
to make you guys laugh.
(thud)
My protein powder!
There are tracks in it.
We got tracks!
(Steve gasps)
Somebody used
my Rowflex!
And it's set to
the highest strength level.
Cuddles!
I forgot about him.
He must've escaped.
Wait a minute.
You don't think he
got into my protein powder
and then started and stuck with
a hard-core workout regimen,
do you?
Oh, God, how big do you think
he could have gotten?
Hmm, I'd say about
eight feet tall.
Oh, how do
you know?
Did you have
a vision of it?
He's standing
right there.
(snarls)
ROGER:
Run!
(Cuddles snarling)
You know what?
I think we can
make this work.
We'll just all live here
the rest of our lives.
I call the tub!
You guys are
ready to live
the rest of your lives
in this bathroom?
Sounds like someone's
jealous of my tub.
Don't you guys get it?
Even if we could
stay alive in here,
what kind of life would that be?
Life is risky,
but you have to get out there
and take chances anyway.
Why should we listen to you?
Well, maybe he's right.
I mean, we can't
go through life
without taking
any risks.
Yeah, it's like
when Eddie Murphy
picked up that
prostitute.
But that
was a man.
And he had
a marvelous time.
I'm just asking you
to listen to me this once.
Okay.
But how are we gonna
fight a giant raccoon?
We don't have
to fight it.
All we have to do is
get out of the house.
Quick, get the boards
off the door.
We could really use
those hammers now,
to pull these
nails out.
Anybody see one?
(snarling)
(all gasp)
Quick, everybody
link arms.
He'll think we're
a bigger animal.
Hmm?
(growls)
(screams)
Wait, Steve,
that's good.
Ow, ow!
Ah!
Keep doing that!
Keep doing what?!
He thinks you're food.
That'll distract him long enough
for us to get the boards off.
Ow, ow!
What if he bites
off my arm?
That's the risk!
That's the risk
we're all taking!
Yah!
(growling)
(moaning)
(whimpers)
He had a weirdly
good body.
I guess we owe you
a "thanks," Roger.
It seems like knowing
what the future holds
can really keep you from
living in the present.
Yeah, maybe
sometimes
it's not a bad idea
to listen to Roger.
Damn right!
Now, let's cover
ourselves in honey
and run through Old Man
McGuilicutty's bear farm.
This is not one
of those times.
Hey, can you drop me
off at the hospital?
(fake moans)
No, sorry, I don't
see that happening.
(laughing):
I'm kidding.
Come on,
let's go, kid.
Hey, hey, why you
smacking your tushie?
Why you smacking your tushie?
Why you doing that?
(chuckling):
Stop, stop! Stop it!
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
¶ Good morning, USA!
¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
¶ Good...
¶ Good morning, USA
Aah!
¶ Good morning, USA!
Oh, my God, for my birthday!
What a surprise!
You guys!
I almost had a heart attack!
Okay, I got my birthday
all planned out.
I want us all to drink
a bunch of Four Lokos,
then swim across the lake
after midnight.
I really don't think
it's that far across.
It looks real close.
Roger, didn't you
just have a birthday
a couple of months ago?
Yeah, that's right.
You made us ride ATVs
on Ted Nugent's ranch
without his permission.
Fine, you caught me.
It's not my birthday.
But that's the only day
of the year
I can get you nervous Nellies
to do anything adventurous.
So, who's in
for the Loko lake swim?
Look, Roger, we're all
for trying new things,
but that sounds
too dangerous.
Yeah, if new things
are so great,
where have they been
all this time?
Well, well, well,
what have we here?
Discount coupons
to the American Safety Museum?!
(singsongy):
Using these!
Oh, look, they're doing an
exhibit on Augustus Seatbelt,
the inventor of the airbag.
Hello?!
We're not going
to any stupid safety museum.
(sighs) Why doesn't anyone
ever listen to me?
You guys will not believe
what's in this towel.
A baby! A baby
you gave birth to
and you didn't even know
you were pregnant!
It just popped out
on the lawn.
You thought you were just
taking a "D" on the lawn,
but surprise,
it wasn't a deuce,
it was a baby
and it's in that towel!
Show me that baby!
No, it's a raccoon.
What did you do
with your baby?!
Look at this adorable guy!
I'm gonna call him Cuddles...
after the cat he was eating
when I found him.
Oh, my God, you won't do
my dangerous birthday plan,
but you're gonna
let her keep
a wild animal
in the house?
She got a pet.
I think it's nice.
Uch, forget this.
I'm gonna go do something
on the edge like skydiving,
or trying on underwear
at Marshall's.
Oh, hey, Roger,
there you are.
I wanted
to ask your advice.
Finally! Someone who wants
to hear what I have to say.
So I have a crush
on this girl,
but she only goes
for jocks.
Well, she sounds
too smart for you, Steve.
I suggest
you find somebody else,
'cause you'll never be a jock.
That's it!
I'll become a jock!
You'll be as good a jock
as you are a listener.
They should've listened to me.
That was an epic swim.
I think my favorite part
was when
that guy drowned trying
to save me.
Now, if only there was a way
I could remember this day
forever.
Oh, my God, a red-light camera!
(tires screech)
(horns beeping)
Now if this light would
just turn red,
we'd have one hell
of a picture.
MAN:
Hey, come on!
What are you
waiting for?
Blow it out your ass!
(camera clicks)
(screeching tires, banging,
crashing)
(screeching tires,
banging, crashing)
(Roger groaning)
Roger, thank God you're awake!
You've been in a coma.
Oh, my God,
how long was I out?
This long?
Or this long?
The first one.
Roger, I just want to tell you
how happy we are
that we didn't go along
with your stupid plan.
Yes, if you weren't so easy
to dismiss,
we could be in here with you.
Mom, Dad, thank you
for not listening to Roger.
Well, this has been
a grand reunion.
Roger, you're awake,
which means you're
probably alive.
Let's check
your vitals.
(gasping)
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye!
A body...
a lawsuit...
Doctor, I just
had a vision.
You're being
fired by a baby.
Well, that's impossible,
unless it was Dr. Baby,
the baby who's in charge
of this hospital.
But I assure you,
your vision wasn't real.
It was nothing but
a postcomatic delusion.
You just need
a little more rest.
I think your family should
probably leave.
I'm sorry, what?
I thought you guys should go.
Yeah, so did we.
I swear, what I saw
seemed so real.
I think you're
gonna lose your job.
(chuckles)
There's nothing
to worry about.
I'm a dedicated professional
with a spotless record...
You see, when I'm engaged
with a patient,
it's as if the whole world
disappears around me.
(device emits steady tone)
Oh, no, the bad sound.
He's dead!
This was clearly
your fault, Doctor!
Damn it!
It's gonna take more
than a game of peekaboo
with Dr. Baby
to get out of this one.
(sobbing)
Oh, my God, I was right!
This was my vision!
Ma'am? Ma'am, I was right.
(gasps)
I see you on a beach...
with a guy!
I wouldn't dread
hanging out with him.
Your new boyfriend
has dreadlocks.
How dare you?!
I'll never love
anyone but my husband.
I'm here to gather
the dead man, mon.
Whoa, you look sexy
when you cry.
Really? No one's ever noticed
that about me before.
How about I buy you
a Red Stripe?
And that's when I was sure
that I could see the future.
Roger, the last time you thought
you could see the future,
you said that Rodney would
have the best party.
But his parents came home
early and ruined
the whole thing.
(doorbell rings)
It's here!
One Rowflex and
five containers
of protein powder.
Thanks to all this,
I'm about to become a jock!
(gasping)
You're never gonna use
any of that stuff!
Of course
I'm gonna use it!
And I'm starting with
a protein shake right now.
(grunting)
Mom?
All right, give it to me.
(gasping)
I see a desperate man
with a clip-on tie...
a set of keys...
Francine, you're getting
a new car!
That's ridiculous, Roger.
I just got a new car
and I love it.
It's the same car
that Matt Damon drove
in We Bought a Zoo.
I like to drive around and
pretend I have zoo problems.
"Oh, my God, what am I
gonna do about my zoo?"
Right?
It's time!
Everybody ready to go
to the American Safety Museum?
Interesting. It says here
autoerotic asphyxiation
is the number one
cause of awkward funerals.
Ooh, they have a picture?
Oh, my God, you can't go!
Horrible things will happen!
Roger, what
could happen?
It's the
Safety Museum.
Yeah, it's not like
it's the Natural History Museum,
full of dangerous ideas
and attitudes.
Ignore him, Stan.
We can take my car.
You have to believe me!
You're making a huge mistake!
Were you talking to me?
'Cause I was only gonna try
it this once.
I have a paper due
in the morning.
You have been randomly
selected for racial profiling.
Hoo-hoo-hoo,
this is so real!
Stan, this museum
has some great exhibits.
Yeah, let's go check out
the "Kobe Bryant Encounter."
Do you want to come
up to my hotel room?
Sure!
(siren wails)
I think we should move on.
No, I know
I can get this!
Do you want to come
up to my hotel room?
As long as you have a T-shirt
I can sleep in.
Forget it. This is impossible.
Is this an exhibit,
or is this just a wet floor?
I don't know.
I just started.
The last tour guide
got fired yesterday.
She was not happy.
Hey, there she is. Hi, Helen!
Safety off!
We gotta get
out of here!
It's just a really good replica
of an emergency exit!
It's so accurate!
This isn't real either!
None of it's real!
There are no actual safety
precautions in this museum!
What do we do?!
I'll tell you
what to do...
if you're ready
to listen.
Roger! What are you
doing here?!
Don't worry,
I know everything
that's gonna happen.
Hayley, take the traffic cones
and make them
into a "U" over there!
Francine,
grab that wheelchair!
Stan, get
that fire extinguisher!
Steve, put
that bulletproof vest on!
Wait a minute,
shouldn't we all get vests?
I wrote this
14 minutes ago,
because in my vision,
you asked me that
exact stupid question.
Now do what I say!
(people screaming)
Oh, no,
they're gonna trample us!
ROGER:
Just stay behind the cones!
Oh, my God, it hurts!
Why didn't you just have me
stand somewhere else?!
Less fun.
Everybody climb on!
(Francine screams)
(Steve gasps)
Oh, my God, Roger, you saved...
Hold on.
Wait for it.
(car alarm wails)
My car!
And I'm pretty sure that
warrants a trip to Cold Stone.
Roger, you were right
about everything!
We should have
listened to you.
Oh, I'll accept
your apology.
And the lanyard you made me
at Camp Shoulda Woulda Coulda.
I can't believe that Roger can
see the future.
Now hold on.
I don't know
if it proves that.
You know that note
I gave you?
Turn it over.
This is my
cell phone number.
Excuse me, Miss.
Are you all right?
Light him up, girl.
He's not gonna call.
He thinks you could
lose ten pounds.
But that's not why
he doesn't call.
He dies in that fire.
So you didn't need to tell me
about the ten pounds.
Somebody needed
to tell you.
I can't believe Roger
can predict the future.
Yeah, but, like,
compared to people
from the past,
like, to them,
like, we are the
future to them.
(exhales)
I'm definitely
feeling it now.
(door opens)
That was amazing,
Roger!
See what happens
when you listen to me?
He picked
every horse!
Roger's
unbelievable!
He...
Knew that you'd want to eat
chili dogs for lunch.
And then he...
Knew in the third race
it'd take three bullets to put
down Daddy's Lucky Girl.
And now I'm...
Getting tired of me
interrupting you?
(gasps)
How did you...
Know?
You just gave me goose bumps!
I love it!
Speaking of love,
Roger,
there's another girl
in my class
I think I have
a pretty good shot with.
Oh?
Well, allow me.
Come here, you...
(moaning)
(laughs)
(laughs)
Roger, what's
so funny?
Nothing.
I say go for it.
(laughing)
Hey, uh, I was gonna go
take a dip in the pool.
How-how's that
work out for me?
Stan, I'm not wasting
my gift on that.
Come on, Roger.
Touch it.
You drop a load
in the pool.
Wait, no.
It's a Baby Ruth.
Wait, no.
That's a scene
from Caddyshack...
which I'm trying
to watch.
Do I end up
watching it with you?
Yes, and you annoy me
the whole time
with your
questions.
Oh.
What kind of
questions?
(sighs)
Roger, am I gonna
like this salad?
Should I be taking
smaller bites?
Roger, am I about to say
something funny?
I want to say
something funny.
Is that enough?
Is... is... is-is that...
Is that too much?
How... how 'bout...
how 'bout now?
Steve, dump that and get
yourself another salad.
Why?
Does something happen
to me if I eat this salad?
No, I'm just using
common sense.
Well, can't you just have
a vision so I can be sure?
So it doesn't matter
what I think?
No, we don't care
what you think,
we care what you see.
Well, fine.
If that's all
you're after...
Wait, where are
you going?
Should we go
with you?
Should I have even
left the kitchen?
Look, no more
questions.
I need to take
a thinkin' drive.
Wait, wait,
you can't leave!
I have homework
tonight!
Is it gonna be
on the test tomorrow
or can I blow
it off?
Should I take
a bath tonight
or will I fall
asleep and drown?
Do I have to go
to the bathroom?
Look, you guys are on your own.
I'm outta here.
At least let us
come with you!
No, you should...
you should... you should
probably stay here.
Why? Are we all gonna die
if we come with you?
Yes.
That.
You're all gonna die
if you leave the house.
Slam that door if
I get really rich soon!
Oh, so close!
Well, I wanted them
to listen to me.
Didn't work out so well,
though, did it?
No, sir.
There might be a lesson
to learn from this
if I were the kind of guy
who could learn lessons.
But lessons are not for me.
Lessons are for school boys.
School boys are for me!
Red light!
(crashing)
Ah, what a restful coma.
How long have
I been out?
Three weeks.
We would have been able
to revive you sooner,
but Dr. Stack was
the coma expert
and he got fired
and sued into poverty
by a grieving widow and
her Rastafarian fiancé.
Huh.
So... can I get
an orange juice,
or is there a long-ass
story about that, too?
Lunch'll be here
in 20 minutes.
You can wait
till then.
Hmm.
Nice attitude.
Let's see
how you die!
Wait!
I'm not getting
any visions.
My powers are gone!
But I haven't
lost mine.
ANNOUNCER:
Mind Quad!
Sounds like you're
thirsty, friend.
(tires squeal)
I'm not gonna drink from
the same glass as him.
He's gross.
So you had powers
and now you lost them?
It's like me.
In my country,
I'm doctor.
Really?
What kind of doctor?
Dah, you caught me.
I'm lying.
What the...
(gasps)
Roger, thank God you're back!
Everybody, Roger's back!
Oh, Roger,
what a relief!
We don't have
to be scared anymore.
Yeah, maybe we can
leave the house now.
Wait a minute.
You haven't left
the house in three weeks?
You told us we'd
all die if we did.
And all of your
fortunes have come true!
Huh.
I guess I did say that.
But how have you survived?
It hasn't been easy.
The toilet paper ran
out before the food,
so that was gross.
But when we started
eating the couch,
we stopped needing
toilet paper.
The stuffing wipes
itself on the way out.
Okay, this is bad.
Wait, wait, where's Klaus?
KLAUS:
I'm right here.
Oh, my God, Klaus,
you're living in
your own filth.
KLAUS:
I try not to talk
so it doesn't
get in my mouth.
(coughs)
Ugh, it got
in my mouth.
Brissam
beeginch?
R-Rettehsat?
Okay, what is that?
Oh, in your absence
Steve's forgotten English.
Eng...
Engrish.
How did my absence
in any way affect
Steve's handle on
the English language?
I haven't even
been gone a month.
Steve...
Mo-onth.
All right, all right.
Before I left, I told you guys
not to leave the house
and you embraced it.
Now I'm telling you you'll die
if you don't get
out of this house.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't you want to
have a vision,
make sure it's safe?
Oh, uh,
yeah, sure.
(moaning)
Yes, my vision says
you will be super safe.
Get out there!
Soba slasha on...
Steve's right.
It's just
the sprinklers.
(chirping)
Whoops.
Flaps flaps ze zap zap!
It's not safe!
It's not safe!
We almost got killed.
(screams)
Steve's right.
You lied to us.
Uch, you got me.
I lost my powers.
Now we can go back
to our normal lives.
Isn't that great?
No, it's not great!
Without your powers,
we have no idea
what dangers are lurking
outside this house!
Yeah, but there is nothing
you can do about it.
How useless was that Costco
five-pack of hammers now,
Francine?
KLAUS:
Look, I'm helping!
You guys,
listen...
(thud, growling)
Oh, my God, what was that?
I don't know!
Let's hide in
the basement!
Steve, your
English is back.
Oh, I was just doing that
to make you guys laugh.
(thud)
My protein powder!
There are tracks in it.
We got tracks!
(Steve gasps)
Somebody used
my Rowflex!
And it's set to
the highest strength level.
Cuddles!
I forgot about him.
He must've escaped.
Wait a minute.
You don't think he
got into my protein powder
and then started and stuck with
a hard-core workout regimen,
do you?
Oh, God, how big do you think
he could have gotten?
Hmm, I'd say about
eight feet tall.
Oh, how do
you know?
Did you have
a vision of it?
He's standing
right there.
(snarls)
ROGER:
Run!
(Cuddles snarling)
You know what?
I think we can
make this work.
We'll just all live here
the rest of our lives.
I call the tub!
You guys are
ready to live
the rest of your lives
in this bathroom?
Sounds like someone's
jealous of my tub.
Don't you guys get it?
Even if we could
stay alive in here,
what kind of life would that be?
Life is risky,
but you have to get out there
and take chances anyway.
Why should we listen to you?
Well, maybe he's right.
I mean, we can't
go through life
without taking
any risks.
Yeah, it's like
when Eddie Murphy
picked up that
prostitute.
But that
was a man.
And he had
a marvelous time.
I'm just asking you
to listen to me this once.
Okay.
But how are we gonna
fight a giant raccoon?
We don't have
to fight it.
All we have to do is
get out of the house.
Quick, get the boards
off the door.
We could really use
those hammers now,
to pull these
nails out.
Anybody see one?
(snarling)
(all gasp)
Quick, everybody
link arms.
He'll think we're
a bigger animal.
Hmm?
(growls)
(screams)
Wait, Steve,
that's good.
Ow, ow!
Ah!
Keep doing that!
Keep doing what?!
He thinks you're food.
That'll distract him long enough
for us to get the boards off.
Ow, ow!
What if he bites
off my arm?
That's the risk!
That's the risk
we're all taking!
Yah!
(growling)
(moaning)
(whimpers)
He had a weirdly
good body.
I guess we owe you
a "thanks," Roger.
It seems like knowing
what the future holds
can really keep you from
living in the present.
Yeah, maybe
sometimes
it's not a bad idea
to listen to Roger.
Damn right!
Now, let's cover
ourselves in honey
and run through Old Man
McGuilicutty's bear farm.
This is not one
of those times.
Hey, can you drop me
off at the hospital?
(fake moans)
No, sorry, I don't
see that happening.
(laughing):
I'm kidding.
Come on,
let's go, kid.
Hey, hey, why you
smacking your tushie?
Why you smacking your tushie?
Why you doing that?
(chuckling):
Stop, stop! Stop it!
Bye! Have a beautiful time.