American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 8 - Minstrel Krampus - full transcript
Stan and Roger travel to the North Pole to rescue Steve from an infamous Christmas demon.
Narrator:
Ahh, christmas...
That time of year when
children are at their
absolute worst.
You see, kids have figured out
that they'll get
Whatever they want
whether they're bad or good.
So they all
became spoiled turds.
Hey, I want that.
It's too expensive.
(whining):
But it's christmas.
I get whatever I want!
If you're a good boy.
Steven anita!
No, I'm a bad boy.
I get what I want.
?
What's gotten into
this boy? He's insane.
He's a mystery to me.
?i'm the one
they call a mystery ?
"they"?
?i'm the one they
call insane ?
?ain't no other way
I'm meant to be ?
?i want this
and gimme that ?
?are we to blame?
Oh, no ?
?if I told you once,
I told you twice ?
?i'd never be a saint
?daddy, no
?mommy, no
?ain't no saint
?bad
?bad, bad, bad, bad boy
?w e want it, we want it?
?and you're paying for it
?i'm no good
?so bring me toys
?i want it, I want it?
?d on't appreciate it?
?i know what's coming
and I see the way ?
?h e gets whatever he wants ?
?ain't no other way to go!
?d on't you ever tell him no?
?and when I want it,
you buy it for me ?
?w e've got you in our aim?
?s o pony up the dough?
(groans)
steve, you're the worst.
?you want the worst?
?well, you gonna see
the worst ?
?'cause I'm the best,
the best at bein' the worst! ?
Francine:
Stop!
I have heard enough
of this song and dance.
You're just lucky I don't beat
you like my dad did to me.
In fact, let's pay
a visit to my dad
So you can see what happens to
naughty boys when
they grow up.
Dad, tell him
how much jail sucks.
Tell him about the beatings,
the rapes,
The overly washed
egyptian cotton bath towels.
Tell him
so he'll stop being bad.
Steve, just be happy
you're bad now
And not when I was boy.
Back then, krampus
would have come for you.
Krampus?
Yes, krampus.
The demon of christmas.
When I was a boy
in southern bavaria,
In lower berchtesgaden,
Santa would ride with krampus.
Santa would give gifts
to the good kids
And krampus would punish
the naughty ones.
Scare you
with his rusty chains.
Slap your bottom
with his birch branches.
And if you were really bad,
He'd throw you
in his almost child-sized sack
And shake you good!
Oh, that's krampus for you.
Yeah, sounds like a
load of bull jizzle.
I've never heard of krampus.
That's because your gramps
trapped the demon, he did.
On christmas eve,
I snuck out of bed to get
more of mother's strudel
Even though she told me
I couldn't have any more.
I didn't care.
I wanted more.
When I got there,
I saw that krampus
had beat me to it.
He was neck-deep
in mutter's strudel.
So I trapped him
in that copper pot.
Copper-potted him good.
And that's why you
and all the other baddies
Never get a visit
from krampus on christmas eve.
That's nonsense.
See for yourself.
That copper pot is with my
stuff in your basement.
Okay, okay, I'm bored.
Let's go.
Krampus is real.
Real I say!
The copper pot's
in your basement.
It's right there
With my old rossignol skis!
They're super-long
and super-fast!
Check your basement, stan!
So, hayley, have you decided
What to get the family
for christmas?
(sighs)
no, not yet.
?it must be the
perfect thing ?
?for a family so loving
?a gift that's from above
?a gift that's full of love
?it's the perfect thing,
can't you see? ?
?a tub of popcorns three
?caramel for mom,
salted for dad, ?
?and a hearty cheese
for steve ?
?roger, oh, roger
?i hate to be a bother
?but I need some money
for a gift ?
?this gift, you see,
is a tub of popcorns three ?
Wha-wha-wha...
Just stop, stop.
J-j-just tell me
what you want.
Wh-what's going on?
I need a job so I can get
the family a christmas gift.
The bar gets busy
during the holidays.
Maybe you could use
an extra hand.
You're too late, sister.
I already hired college kids
from the water polo team.
I've got almost too
many hands for jobs.
Here's the classifieds.
Ooh, the airport's hiring.
What's with
this speedo, jeremy?
It's too baggy.
Is it a tandem speedo
for two men?
Eh, even this is too loose.
Mark, hop in here!
Did they get this on sale?
Was this the floor model?
Well, if it wasn't, it is now!
Smash!
(gasps)
steven!
By the power
of grayskull,
What do you think
you're doing?
I am hiding these
until christmas.
Boy driving me insane.
Got me talking
like bernie mac.
(hollow ringing)
(knock)
Krampus?
Jack?
No, jack's my dad.
Let... Me... Out.
I can't. You're a demon.
I-it would be...
Unwise.
Release... Me.
Steve:
Hey, bitch!
Where's my mickey
mouse towel?!
Francine:
I'm sorry!
I'll try harder!
Okay. If I let you out,
Will you promise to scare my
son and make him a good boy?
Yeah!
That's, like, exactly
what I do, man.
(screeching)
Ow!
(shouts)
(growls)
(shouts)
No!
Bring me jack
If you ever want
to see your son again!
Wait!
(screeching)
Jack:
You did what?!
I released krampus.
I just wanted him to
scare steve straight.
Sexual orientation
is not a choice!
What?
Look, krampus took steve,
And he says he'll only
give him back
If you take his place.
What do you say, dad?
If I use my cia connections
to get you out of here,
Will you switch with steve?
I'm in.
Krampus probably took him
to his castle in bavaria.
I know where it is.
Give me the keys.
I'll drive.
(cackles)
See you, sucker!
(tires screeching)
Yep.
Yeah.
(chuckles)
Uh-huh.
(chuckles)
Yep.
(grunting)
Get off me!
Let me go!
What are you doing?
Krampus is back.
He's been gone for, like,
50 years or something,
you guys.
You can't do this!
I'm an american child!
I'm a treasure!
Well, you in bavaria now.
(growls)
You need to be punished.
If you lay so much as one
finger on me, I will per...
Who you talking to?
I'm krampus, bitch!
I do whatever I please.
This is my expertise.
?round the world,
it's all the same ?
?children freeze
when they hear my name ?
?krampus, please
don't beat me so ?
?but do I listen? Sadly, no
?80% of kids
?end up turnin'
into dirtbags ?
?i just laugh
?but, steve, oh, steve,
you are the worst ?
?slap that butt
with the branch of birch ?
?shake them chains
till your ears go numb ?
?see now just
what you've become ?
?show you that life is pain
?not some silly stupid game
?we do it my way
?and because you haven't
learned your lesson ?
?you get the rod
?you get the rod!
I swear to god,
do not touch me!
You see, steve, you don't
know anything about pain.
Yes, I do!
Pain is having a girl
named sheila
Walk out on you in the middle
of downtown baltimore
For some guy named dennis,
Who worked as a mechanic and
made twice as much
money as you.
Wha...?
These are things
You know nothing about, boy,
But I'm here to show you.
?agh! Agh!
?i'm gonna punish you
?you ain't experienced
all that I've been through ?
?sheila said the
kid was mine ?
?but it looked
just like dennis ?
?that damn dennis
?and because you haven't
learned your lesson ?
?you get the rod
(grunting)
?you get the rod!
You'll stay here
until I see jack.
(sobbing)
Looks like you got
some stuff going on.
Want to tell me
what you did?
Want to tell me
who you did?
(whispers):
Was it a boy?
Krampus kidnapped steve.
And the only one who knows
where to find him is jack.
And jack took off.
Krampus?
Santa's evil sidekick?
Santa must know
where he is.
Santa won't help me.
Santa hates me.
I'm coming for you, smiths!
Hyah!
(sighs)
Look, even if I wanted
to ask for santa's help,
How am I supposed to get
to the north pole?
Oh, boys!
Hyah!
Stan:
Damn...
Santa's village is
behind this wall.
Give me a boost.
Take my hand!
Stan!
(screaming)
(grunting)
Harder.
Way harder.
How dare you come
to my house.
Krampus.
What about him?
He's been gone
over 50 years.
No, krampus is alive.
And he has my son.
Who cares about your son?
I can't go back
to sharing christmas
With that
soul-singing goat.
Always nibbling
on my list.
Please,
I need your help.
I need to find steve.
Okay.
I'll help you
get your boy
If you help me
kill krampus.
Deal.
Come on, roger.
Just a little longer.
I'm almost there.
(whimpering)
Aw. Tissue
for your tears?
(yelps)
You don't have
to be scared.
Here, refresh yourself
with a cool drink of water.
See, everyone here is nice.
You guys seem okay.
But that krampus
is a real jerk.
Oh, that's not true!
That's not the way.
(all babbling)
Krampus cares about you
more than anyone.
He cares enough to punish you
when you're bad.
That's cause he's a monster
who enjoys terrorizing kids.
No, no, no, no, no,
you got it all wrong.
Come on.
We'll show you.
?with a smack to
the forehead ?
?and a poke in the eye
?i beaten a lot of children
in my lifetime ?
?oh, yeah
?but the truth
in the matter is ?
?i've been hurtin' inside,
wish I could rewind ?
?yeah!
?oh
?ooh
?when I'm breakin'
their fingers ?
?lord, it's breakin'
my heart ?
?and every christmas eve,
my soul is always torn apart ?
?hey, wait a second, dude
?i feel as bad as you
?i don't wanna live
like this no more ?
?i just wish I could
start over new ?
?damn, I feel
just like you do ?
?oh, I know that
we've been bad ?
?but we don't wanna
be sad no more ?
?such a drag
?'cause I miss mom and dad
?and I miss my baby sheila
?sheila, why'd you leave?
?you left me on my own
?all out in the cold
?a dollar to my name
?in dirty-ass baltimore
?and next time I see you
I'm gonna kill you ?
?oh, sheila, I'm sorry, baby
?i love you.
When you punished me,
it hurt you
More than it hurt me,
didn't it?
But I endure it
because I care.
So, why do you want my
grand-poppy-pop so bad?
He seems like a
total lost cause.
Which is exactly why I need
to apologize to him.
Apologize?
It's my fault
he turned out bad.
I should have been
beating his ass
Instead of munching down on
your great-grandma's strudel.
I failed him.
Shh.
No, no, no, no, no, don't.
Shush now, frowny horns.
Look, everyone
makes mistakes.
The important thing
is you're back.
And you're exactly what
the world needs right now.
Ho ho ho!
Off we go to
kill krampus!
Stan:
Wow, full moon tonight.
Roger: Actually,
once you get above the clouds,
It's always a full moon.
Stan: Is that true?
Roger:
Is any of this?
Once we kill krampus,
You'll be on my permanent
good list, stan.
You and jesus.
But he's jewish.
He is?!
Oh, what a surprise.
My flight
to jamaica's delayed.
And you people wonder why
the world is all taking boats.
You can discuss any
of your concerns
With our customer
service rep, sir.
Oh, you are a special kind
of bitch, mary anne.
Where the irie plane, mon?
You trying to tell me
This flight is late, skank?
Rude boy!
Hayley? You work here?
I need the money to buy the
perfect gift for my family.
But why?
Because...
?family, say it
?one, two, three
?o ne, two, three?
?family is the way for me
?oh, yeah
?w ay for me?
?do it for the family
?f amily?
?we gonna make them happy
?oh, lord
?s o happy?
?f amily, it go
one, two, three ?
?bada ding ding ding ding,
whoa ?
But I don't get it.
Why do anything
for your family?
?because family
make you high ?
?here the reason why
?they bada boom
ba bing da ding ?
?ba bum whoa
?f amily, it go
one, two, three ?
?b ada ding ding
ding ding whoa ?
Wait. I think I'm
starting to get it.
?you do it for your family
because they go ?
?bada bada bing dong
dun dun dun da dum bah ?
?and you do it
for the family ?
?because they bing
baba boo bing do do ?
?family, it get you high
?now you know
the reason why. ?
Change this flight
to bavaria.
I'm going to go
save my grandson.
Krampus, I can't believe
I was acting like such a jerk.
A real stephen hawking.
Thank you.
No. Thank you.
For reminding me
how good it feels
To turn naughty kids
into nice ones.
I hope you don't mind
blueberry crepes
for breakfast.
With homemade chocolate.
(toilet flushes)
(screams)
(gagging)
(gagging stops)
(gasps)
(screams)
Trashy!
(all screaming)
?
(screaming)
(yelping)
(screaming)
(screaming)
(grunts)
No! Stop!
What are you doing?
(steve gasps)
(sobbing)
He was good!
(sobbing):
He was good.
(weakly):
Steven.
Looks like I'm big man
on krampus.
(gun fires, steve screams)
Oh, gross!
It got in your mouth!
What are you doing?
We had a deal.
Yeah, well, I'm santa,
And maybe now even
a dumbass like you
Can figure out that
I'm the bad guy.
That's what I was trying
to tell you.
Krampus was good.
He cared about kids.
Santa just spoils them.
And I make a hell of a lot
of money doing it.
Most of my portfolio
is in toy stocks.
(laughing)
That's why you give
toys to everyone,
Whether they're
naughty or nice.
The naughty kids
buy the most toys.
Wait. What?
Kids don't buy toys.
You give toys away.
How does that
make money?
Do not overthink this.
Just know that I am in bed
with big toys
So I'm making money.
See you in hell, stan.
(distorted, slow-motion):
Rossignol!
(grunting)
(screams)
Oh, god.
I'm dying.
Every man for himself!
You came to help me.
I finally realized
the importance of family.
And I wanted to tell you
I'm proud of you, son.
You're a good guy.
Because of you.
Because you were
so hard on me.
Maybe.
Maybe for people
to turn out good,
They need a beating
every now and then.
That's why the world
needs krampus.
Yes.
And that's why the world
sucks so hard now.
Because I took krampus away.
My... Bad.
(all gasp)
(grunts)
You're...
Krampus.
So I am.
I suppose this is how I'm
to repay my debt to the world
For taking krampus away
all these years.
So, will you remain
krampus forever?
Like, all the time?
Who knows?
In the meantime,
it's christmas eve,
And I've got a lot
of bottoms to blister.
(jack laughing)
You better be good,
boys and girls,
Or I'll beat you until blood's
coming from your ears
And your eyes and your mouth.
Merry christmas!
And from your ass.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
Ahh, christmas...
That time of year when
children are at their
absolute worst.
You see, kids have figured out
that they'll get
Whatever they want
whether they're bad or good.
So they all
became spoiled turds.
Hey, I want that.
It's too expensive.
(whining):
But it's christmas.
I get whatever I want!
If you're a good boy.
Steven anita!
No, I'm a bad boy.
I get what I want.
?
What's gotten into
this boy? He's insane.
He's a mystery to me.
?i'm the one
they call a mystery ?
"they"?
?i'm the one they
call insane ?
?ain't no other way
I'm meant to be ?
?i want this
and gimme that ?
?are we to blame?
Oh, no ?
?if I told you once,
I told you twice ?
?i'd never be a saint
?daddy, no
?mommy, no
?ain't no saint
?bad
?bad, bad, bad, bad boy
?w e want it, we want it?
?and you're paying for it
?i'm no good
?so bring me toys
?i want it, I want it?
?d on't appreciate it?
?i know what's coming
and I see the way ?
?h e gets whatever he wants ?
?ain't no other way to go!
?d on't you ever tell him no?
?and when I want it,
you buy it for me ?
?w e've got you in our aim?
?s o pony up the dough?
(groans)
steve, you're the worst.
?you want the worst?
?well, you gonna see
the worst ?
?'cause I'm the best,
the best at bein' the worst! ?
Francine:
Stop!
I have heard enough
of this song and dance.
You're just lucky I don't beat
you like my dad did to me.
In fact, let's pay
a visit to my dad
So you can see what happens to
naughty boys when
they grow up.
Dad, tell him
how much jail sucks.
Tell him about the beatings,
the rapes,
The overly washed
egyptian cotton bath towels.
Tell him
so he'll stop being bad.
Steve, just be happy
you're bad now
And not when I was boy.
Back then, krampus
would have come for you.
Krampus?
Yes, krampus.
The demon of christmas.
When I was a boy
in southern bavaria,
In lower berchtesgaden,
Santa would ride with krampus.
Santa would give gifts
to the good kids
And krampus would punish
the naughty ones.
Scare you
with his rusty chains.
Slap your bottom
with his birch branches.
And if you were really bad,
He'd throw you
in his almost child-sized sack
And shake you good!
Oh, that's krampus for you.
Yeah, sounds like a
load of bull jizzle.
I've never heard of krampus.
That's because your gramps
trapped the demon, he did.
On christmas eve,
I snuck out of bed to get
more of mother's strudel
Even though she told me
I couldn't have any more.
I didn't care.
I wanted more.
When I got there,
I saw that krampus
had beat me to it.
He was neck-deep
in mutter's strudel.
So I trapped him
in that copper pot.
Copper-potted him good.
And that's why you
and all the other baddies
Never get a visit
from krampus on christmas eve.
That's nonsense.
See for yourself.
That copper pot is with my
stuff in your basement.
Okay, okay, I'm bored.
Let's go.
Krampus is real.
Real I say!
The copper pot's
in your basement.
It's right there
With my old rossignol skis!
They're super-long
and super-fast!
Check your basement, stan!
So, hayley, have you decided
What to get the family
for christmas?
(sighs)
no, not yet.
?it must be the
perfect thing ?
?for a family so loving
?a gift that's from above
?a gift that's full of love
?it's the perfect thing,
can't you see? ?
?a tub of popcorns three
?caramel for mom,
salted for dad, ?
?and a hearty cheese
for steve ?
?roger, oh, roger
?i hate to be a bother
?but I need some money
for a gift ?
?this gift, you see,
is a tub of popcorns three ?
Wha-wha-wha...
Just stop, stop.
J-j-just tell me
what you want.
Wh-what's going on?
I need a job so I can get
the family a christmas gift.
The bar gets busy
during the holidays.
Maybe you could use
an extra hand.
You're too late, sister.
I already hired college kids
from the water polo team.
I've got almost too
many hands for jobs.
Here's the classifieds.
Ooh, the airport's hiring.
What's with
this speedo, jeremy?
It's too baggy.
Is it a tandem speedo
for two men?
Eh, even this is too loose.
Mark, hop in here!
Did they get this on sale?
Was this the floor model?
Well, if it wasn't, it is now!
Smash!
(gasps)
steven!
By the power
of grayskull,
What do you think
you're doing?
I am hiding these
until christmas.
Boy driving me insane.
Got me talking
like bernie mac.
(hollow ringing)
(knock)
Krampus?
Jack?
No, jack's my dad.
Let... Me... Out.
I can't. You're a demon.
I-it would be...
Unwise.
Release... Me.
Steve:
Hey, bitch!
Where's my mickey
mouse towel?!
Francine:
I'm sorry!
I'll try harder!
Okay. If I let you out,
Will you promise to scare my
son and make him a good boy?
Yeah!
That's, like, exactly
what I do, man.
(screeching)
Ow!
(shouts)
(growls)
(shouts)
No!
Bring me jack
If you ever want
to see your son again!
Wait!
(screeching)
Jack:
You did what?!
I released krampus.
I just wanted him to
scare steve straight.
Sexual orientation
is not a choice!
What?
Look, krampus took steve,
And he says he'll only
give him back
If you take his place.
What do you say, dad?
If I use my cia connections
to get you out of here,
Will you switch with steve?
I'm in.
Krampus probably took him
to his castle in bavaria.
I know where it is.
Give me the keys.
I'll drive.
(cackles)
See you, sucker!
(tires screeching)
Yep.
Yeah.
(chuckles)
Uh-huh.
(chuckles)
Yep.
(grunting)
Get off me!
Let me go!
What are you doing?
Krampus is back.
He's been gone for, like,
50 years or something,
you guys.
You can't do this!
I'm an american child!
I'm a treasure!
Well, you in bavaria now.
(growls)
You need to be punished.
If you lay so much as one
finger on me, I will per...
Who you talking to?
I'm krampus, bitch!
I do whatever I please.
This is my expertise.
?round the world,
it's all the same ?
?children freeze
when they hear my name ?
?krampus, please
don't beat me so ?
?but do I listen? Sadly, no
?80% of kids
?end up turnin'
into dirtbags ?
?i just laugh
?but, steve, oh, steve,
you are the worst ?
?slap that butt
with the branch of birch ?
?shake them chains
till your ears go numb ?
?see now just
what you've become ?
?show you that life is pain
?not some silly stupid game
?we do it my way
?and because you haven't
learned your lesson ?
?you get the rod
?you get the rod!
I swear to god,
do not touch me!
You see, steve, you don't
know anything about pain.
Yes, I do!
Pain is having a girl
named sheila
Walk out on you in the middle
of downtown baltimore
For some guy named dennis,
Who worked as a mechanic and
made twice as much
money as you.
Wha...?
These are things
You know nothing about, boy,
But I'm here to show you.
?agh! Agh!
?i'm gonna punish you
?you ain't experienced
all that I've been through ?
?sheila said the
kid was mine ?
?but it looked
just like dennis ?
?that damn dennis
?and because you haven't
learned your lesson ?
?you get the rod
(grunting)
?you get the rod!
You'll stay here
until I see jack.
(sobbing)
Looks like you got
some stuff going on.
Want to tell me
what you did?
Want to tell me
who you did?
(whispers):
Was it a boy?
Krampus kidnapped steve.
And the only one who knows
where to find him is jack.
And jack took off.
Krampus?
Santa's evil sidekick?
Santa must know
where he is.
Santa won't help me.
Santa hates me.
I'm coming for you, smiths!
Hyah!
(sighs)
Look, even if I wanted
to ask for santa's help,
How am I supposed to get
to the north pole?
Oh, boys!
Hyah!
Stan:
Damn...
Santa's village is
behind this wall.
Give me a boost.
Take my hand!
Stan!
(screaming)
(grunting)
Harder.
Way harder.
How dare you come
to my house.
Krampus.
What about him?
He's been gone
over 50 years.
No, krampus is alive.
And he has my son.
Who cares about your son?
I can't go back
to sharing christmas
With that
soul-singing goat.
Always nibbling
on my list.
Please,
I need your help.
I need to find steve.
Okay.
I'll help you
get your boy
If you help me
kill krampus.
Deal.
Come on, roger.
Just a little longer.
I'm almost there.
(whimpering)
Aw. Tissue
for your tears?
(yelps)
You don't have
to be scared.
Here, refresh yourself
with a cool drink of water.
See, everyone here is nice.
You guys seem okay.
But that krampus
is a real jerk.
Oh, that's not true!
That's not the way.
(all babbling)
Krampus cares about you
more than anyone.
He cares enough to punish you
when you're bad.
That's cause he's a monster
who enjoys terrorizing kids.
No, no, no, no, no,
you got it all wrong.
Come on.
We'll show you.
?with a smack to
the forehead ?
?and a poke in the eye
?i beaten a lot of children
in my lifetime ?
?oh, yeah
?but the truth
in the matter is ?
?i've been hurtin' inside,
wish I could rewind ?
?yeah!
?oh
?ooh
?when I'm breakin'
their fingers ?
?lord, it's breakin'
my heart ?
?and every christmas eve,
my soul is always torn apart ?
?hey, wait a second, dude
?i feel as bad as you
?i don't wanna live
like this no more ?
?i just wish I could
start over new ?
?damn, I feel
just like you do ?
?oh, I know that
we've been bad ?
?but we don't wanna
be sad no more ?
?such a drag
?'cause I miss mom and dad
?and I miss my baby sheila
?sheila, why'd you leave?
?you left me on my own
?all out in the cold
?a dollar to my name
?in dirty-ass baltimore
?and next time I see you
I'm gonna kill you ?
?oh, sheila, I'm sorry, baby
?i love you.
When you punished me,
it hurt you
More than it hurt me,
didn't it?
But I endure it
because I care.
So, why do you want my
grand-poppy-pop so bad?
He seems like a
total lost cause.
Which is exactly why I need
to apologize to him.
Apologize?
It's my fault
he turned out bad.
I should have been
beating his ass
Instead of munching down on
your great-grandma's strudel.
I failed him.
Shh.
No, no, no, no, no, don't.
Shush now, frowny horns.
Look, everyone
makes mistakes.
The important thing
is you're back.
And you're exactly what
the world needs right now.
Ho ho ho!
Off we go to
kill krampus!
Stan:
Wow, full moon tonight.
Roger: Actually,
once you get above the clouds,
It's always a full moon.
Stan: Is that true?
Roger:
Is any of this?
Once we kill krampus,
You'll be on my permanent
good list, stan.
You and jesus.
But he's jewish.
He is?!
Oh, what a surprise.
My flight
to jamaica's delayed.
And you people wonder why
the world is all taking boats.
You can discuss any
of your concerns
With our customer
service rep, sir.
Oh, you are a special kind
of bitch, mary anne.
Where the irie plane, mon?
You trying to tell me
This flight is late, skank?
Rude boy!
Hayley? You work here?
I need the money to buy the
perfect gift for my family.
But why?
Because...
?family, say it
?one, two, three
?o ne, two, three?
?family is the way for me
?oh, yeah
?w ay for me?
?do it for the family
?f amily?
?we gonna make them happy
?oh, lord
?s o happy?
?f amily, it go
one, two, three ?
?bada ding ding ding ding,
whoa ?
But I don't get it.
Why do anything
for your family?
?because family
make you high ?
?here the reason why
?they bada boom
ba bing da ding ?
?ba bum whoa
?f amily, it go
one, two, three ?
?b ada ding ding
ding ding whoa ?
Wait. I think I'm
starting to get it.
?you do it for your family
because they go ?
?bada bada bing dong
dun dun dun da dum bah ?
?and you do it
for the family ?
?because they bing
baba boo bing do do ?
?family, it get you high
?now you know
the reason why. ?
Change this flight
to bavaria.
I'm going to go
save my grandson.
Krampus, I can't believe
I was acting like such a jerk.
A real stephen hawking.
Thank you.
No. Thank you.
For reminding me
how good it feels
To turn naughty kids
into nice ones.
I hope you don't mind
blueberry crepes
for breakfast.
With homemade chocolate.
(toilet flushes)
(screams)
(gagging)
(gagging stops)
(gasps)
(screams)
Trashy!
(all screaming)
?
(screaming)
(yelping)
(screaming)
(screaming)
(grunts)
No! Stop!
What are you doing?
(steve gasps)
(sobbing)
He was good!
(sobbing):
He was good.
(weakly):
Steven.
Looks like I'm big man
on krampus.
(gun fires, steve screams)
Oh, gross!
It got in your mouth!
What are you doing?
We had a deal.
Yeah, well, I'm santa,
And maybe now even
a dumbass like you
Can figure out that
I'm the bad guy.
That's what I was trying
to tell you.
Krampus was good.
He cared about kids.
Santa just spoils them.
And I make a hell of a lot
of money doing it.
Most of my portfolio
is in toy stocks.
(laughing)
That's why you give
toys to everyone,
Whether they're
naughty or nice.
The naughty kids
buy the most toys.
Wait. What?
Kids don't buy toys.
You give toys away.
How does that
make money?
Do not overthink this.
Just know that I am in bed
with big toys
So I'm making money.
See you in hell, stan.
(distorted, slow-motion):
Rossignol!
(grunting)
(screams)
Oh, god.
I'm dying.
Every man for himself!
You came to help me.
I finally realized
the importance of family.
And I wanted to tell you
I'm proud of you, son.
You're a good guy.
Because of you.
Because you were
so hard on me.
Maybe.
Maybe for people
to turn out good,
They need a beating
every now and then.
That's why the world
needs krampus.
Yes.
And that's why the world
sucks so hard now.
Because I took krampus away.
My... Bad.
(all gasp)
(grunts)
You're...
Krampus.
So I am.
I suppose this is how I'm
to repay my debt to the world
For taking krampus away
all these years.
So, will you remain
krampus forever?
Like, all the time?
Who knows?
In the meantime,
it's christmas eve,
And I've got a lot
of bottoms to blister.
(jack laughing)
You better be good,
boys and girls,
Or I'll beat you until blood's
coming from your ears
And your eyes and your mouth.
Merry christmas!
And from your ass.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.