American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Kung Pao Turkey - full transcript
Stan feels like he's being run out of his own home when Francine's parents come to visit at Thanksgiving, and Francine's mother tries to setup Haley with an eligible Chinese bachelor.
(upbeat march plays)
♪ Good morning, USA!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA!
It's Thanksgiving, Klaus.
You know what that means.
A whole day of watching football
in my underwear,
ending with my Redskins
destroying the Cowboys.
Well done, sir.
Won him at a school auction.
What are you waiting for, Stan?
We've only got four hours
of pre-game left.
(gasps)
I'll go make the nachos.
Hurry! They're waking up
Jimmy Johnson!
Jimmy...
Jimmy...
Stan, put your pants on.
No can do, Francine.
This is the first
Thanksgiving in years
where we won't be
entertaining any guests.
I won't have to
put on any airs,
and I certainly won't
be putting on my pants.
But we are entertaining.
My parents will
be here any minute.
Your parents are coming?
(groans)
We talked about this.
Stan, I'm gonna invite
my parents for Thanksgiving.
But then I thought about it
and the next day I told you...
You know what, Francine?
Your parents at Thanksgiving,
that's not gonna work for me.
Oh, and, Steve, you'll have to
find someone else to pick you up
after your eye surgery today.
(door slides open)
It's about time, Dad.
Hey, can we stop for pizza?
(door slides shut)
Stan, it is a family holiday,
after all.
That's right. Our family.
Not your parents.
It's bad enough you and
the kids have to be here.
Well, I'm sorry, Stan.
But growing up
in a Chinese household,
we never had Thanksgiving.
I wanted to introduce 'em to it.
Francine, I'm not running
a master class in Thanksgiving.
Well, I invited 'em and
they're coming and that's that.
Okay, but they eat alone in
the garage, out of trash bags,
and use the neighbor's bathroom.
Can we at least agree to that?
No!
How about they have full yard privileges,
two unrefrigerated sodas apiece,
and at the end of the night
I'll say a chilly good-bye
to the parent of your choosing?
Do we have a deal?
I'll ask you again in the car.
You stay here.
ANNOUNCER: If you're just tuning in
now, things are really heating up!
Both teams have almost
completely checked out
of their hotels.
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right.
And with three hours
until the coin toss
it is still anybody's game!
What's wrong, man?
Francine's parents are coming.
They're totally gonna ruin
the Thanksgiving I had planned.
(doorbell rings)
They're here.
Aw, this is gonna suck.
I got it!
(speaking Chinese gibberish)
Ah, your Chinese gibberish
very mediocre.
Either really learn language
or go broader.
Just so you know, there's gonna
be football on today.
I don't expect you
to understand.
It's an American thing.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Come on, buddy, you got to join
me or I look like a total jerk.
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Man, I-I want to,
but I don't know the words.
Hello, Granddaughter.
We share room tonight.
Aw, you look sad.
What's wrong?
Greasy face got you down?
No, I-I'm sad because this
is the first Thanksgiving
I've spent without Jeff.
Let me tell you what my mom
tell me when I was your age:
"Man you love die in space
so you marry Bah Bah now."
We need find you new man.
Thanks, Mah Mah,
but I'm just not over Jeff.
That's because you still
surrounded by him.
Reminders everywhere.
You need to get rid
of his stuff.
Hey, that was mine!
Sorry. Here.
Use my pipe till I replace.
It work good,
make you cough a lot.
(Chinese folk music playing)
Francine, what the hell's
goin' on in here?
It should smell like turkey
and stuffing,
not a medley of
longevity-inducing vegetables.
Stan, this is my
mom's famous stir-fry.
I thought we could have it
instead of sweet potatoes.
But that's not Thanksgiving!
I don't want
to see this tiny corn!
I don't want to see
your tiny corn!
Put on some pants!
I'm not changing the way I dress
on this most American of days.
This is traditional
American Thanksgiving garb.
You know how you guys always
wear karate outfits?
Well, this is Uncle Sam's
version of that.
Stan, just go watch
some football.
I'll call you
when dinner's ready.
KLAUS: Stan, quick! They're
bringing out the turducken!
ANNOUNCER #2: This year FOX
has genetically engineered
an actual living turducken.
(screeching)
Those are its screams.
Its every step is agony.
What the hell?
I try to make picture better.
No, please, God, no.
Aiya, picture better before.
(screams)
Stan, what's wrong?!
Your dad broke the TV!
My holiday is ruined!
Steve! Your Thanksgiving
marionettes!
This is the perfect time
for them!
(Steve screams)
I just got to untangle them
and I'll be right down!
Disaster averted.
Francine, how long
have we been married
without me raising
a hand to you?
Look, if you want
your television fixed,
call the Nerd Squad.
Yes! A squad of nerds!
They'll know what to do!
What's the number?
I'll call them,
but in the meantime,
can you at least make an effort
to get along with my family?
(sighs) I'll try.
As long as her parents
are in this house,
I can't enjoy the Thanksgiving
I deserve.
We have to get rid of them.
Oh, my God.
Are you suggesting an
organized and systematic...
No.
All right, Klaus,
we're the Pilgrims
and Francine's parents
are the Indians.
If we want to save
this Thanksgiving,
we've got to get them
out of this house.
Okay, first, you're calling
yourself a Pilgrim,
but you're dressed
like an Indian.
It's very confusing.
Second, didn't the Pilgrims
invite the Indians to dinner?
Klaus, you're missing the point.
It might not have even happened.
It's just a story that teaches
us to treat each other nicely.
Now, we got to get these
stupid idiots out of our house!
I see. And how do you plan
to do that?
Why, exploit their fears,
of course.
And throughout time,
what has consistently been
the Chinese people's
greatest enemy?
Roar!
(screaming)
Godzilla Japanese.
(howling)
I'm the ghost of Genghis Khan!
I just got through
your Great Wall,
and I'm going to
plunder your culture!
Actually, not all Chinese people
think of Genghis Khan as scary.
Many Chinese view him
as great military leader
who laid down groundwork
for the third new dynasty.
Francine, I bought a horse.
(door opens)
Ferocious panda on the loose!
Run! Run
for your lives!
It's got a gun!
Huh. I don't know why you guys
are terrified of these things.
We're not.
We love them.
I knew it was one of the two.
Francine, I bought a panda.
Stupid Bah Bah.
Ruining my Thanksgiving day
football.
(grunts) Now?
Do you see anything now?
No, keep trying.
Stan, I'm completely immersed
in water.
Maybe I am not the one
to be futzing with the TV.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
(yelps)
Ooh, ooh!
You almost had it!
Wh-Whatever you did,
do it again!
(doorbell rings)
Nerd Squad.
I'm Trevor.
Your wife called,
your TV's out.
Oh, Roger, awesome!
I said it's Trevor.
Wait, do you really know
what you're doing
or is this just a disguise?
Sir, I have a family, too,
that I would like to
spend Thanksgiving with,
so if you can just
show me your TV.
It's right here.
Oh, wow, it usually takes me
a half hour to find those.
Perfect, Stan!
If Roger fixes the TV,
then maybe Francine's parents
can stay after all.
MAH MAH: Francine, where do you
recycle your chicken heads?
No. No, if I don't put
a stop to this now,
they're just gonna
come back every year.
Oh, I just realized
this thing is tubeless.
That might be a problem.
Jeremy, it's Trev.
We're gonna have
to open up a new ticket.
Stan, why you pay good money?
I could fix.
You don't need to call
Nerd Brigade.
Sir, I'm sorry, I'm gonna
have to step in here.
I am from the Nerd Squad, okay?
The Nerd Brigade wishes
they were the Nerd Squad.
Trust me, all right?
Trust me on that.
Ask anyone who does audiovisual
in the Langley Falls area
and they will tell you
that they prefer the Nerd Squad
all... day... long.
Okay? Y-You want me to wait?
You want me to wait here for you
while you ask anyone in town?
'Cause I'll be here.
I'll be right here
fixing your TV right.
The first time. On Thanksgiving.
You know
what I'm thankful for? Huh?
I am thankful that I work
for the best damn
home theater installation
company in town.
The Nerd Squad!
Oh, that's right.
I work for the other one.
Jeremy, we're gonna have
to give a customer a free cable.
Um, put it under Code 60,
Customer Satisfaction.
I'll just give him
a three-foot HDMI.
It'll only go from the receiver
to the TV.
He can't use it
for anything else.
(sighs)
This was his greatest invention,
a snowboard with wheels on it.
For sidewalks.
Hi-ya.
Okay, you got rid
of Jeff's stuff.
First step done.
Next step, get you new man.
I appreciate that, Mah Mah,
but it's just not that easy.
Oh, it not easy?
'Cause it already done.
Big Wang Bai!
Uh, what?
Big Wang Bai!
He your new boyfriend.
His grandma and I frenemies.
He big success.
Wear clothes by Ralph Lauren.
Okay...
You need more? Fine!
I show you.
See? Look.
Big Wang ride Segway
in downtown Long Beach.
Big Wang never let
his Groupons expire.
He pose on Ferrari!
Hey, Ferraris.
Those cost money.
Shh! You missing Big Wang
wearing white button-down
and jeans
and taking picture
with friends.
Then, he goes to party
and wear all white,
even string
in puka shell necklace white!
He bad boy for life.
Oh, he order extra large
Blizzard at Dairy Queen
and finish!
Mmm. Where are you
puttin' it, Big Wang?
Wait. What am I thinking?
Big Wang Bai too good
for Hayley.
But not too good for Mah Mah.
I guess it wouldn't
hurt to contact him.
No, no, no.
No, he no right for you.
But I thought...
He taken!
But it says here he's single.
(gong bangs)
What was that for?
Haven't you ever seen
The Gong Show?
You lose! Get out!
But it's my room.
(banging gong)
Yeah, you're all set.
You got all your channels now,
although, unfortunately,
because of a licensing dispute,
you currently don't get
A&E, TBS, FX, AMC or ESPN.
But you do get our
satellite radio package,
featuring Reggae Sunsets
on channel 12 hundred.
Great! I can't
thank you enough.
Oh, well, if you feel that way,
and you get a call
from my company
about completing a survey
about the service,
it'd be a big help to me
if you mentioned my name.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Thank you so much.
What's my name?
Rrr... uh, Rizz...
Rizzoli?
Rizzoli and Isles?
I associate Rizzoli and Isles
with cable.
Are you one of them?
Just for that, I'm giving
you Starz and Encore.
Have fun flippin' past 'em.
(door opens and closes)
(sighs, indistinct voices on TV)
Look at that, Stan.
The TV's fixed.
This Thanksgiving
might be salvaged yet.
I told you. It's no longer
about the TV.
We've got to flush these
Chinese Indians off our land.
FRANCINE:
Stan, honey, dinner.
(Stan coughing)
Oh. Oh, gang, bad news.
Bad news, especially
for anyone old and Chinese.
I just got back
from the doctor,
and the results show
I'm positive for Bird Flu.
This just receipt from Arby's.
How you eat ten
beef and cheddars?
They were sliders!
Hey, that's my chair!
I am guest,
which makes it my chair.
Stan, just sit somewhere else.
But that's my chair!
Don't be such a baby!
And take the trash out
before we eat.
It's stinking up the house.
'Sup? I'm Big Wang Bai.
This the... Smith house?
They're all inside.
Big Wang Bai?
What are you doing here?
Who invite you?
I did, Mah Mah.
You whore!
Big Wang, have you met
my grandmother, Mah Mah?
No, I haven't.
Hello. I'm Big Wang Bai.
My mother's told me
all about you.
(Mah Mah moaning)
I-I'm sorry.
I no want to meet this way.
I must put on face cream
and holiday wig.
You want me
to take out the trash?
I'll take out the Mah Mah
and Bah Bah.
'Cause they're trash.
They're the ones
stinking up the house.
'Cause they're stinkers.
They're a couple of stinkers.
Aah! Why don't I ever think
of these things in the moment?
Hey!
They threw out
my Redskins headdress!
Look at them.
They've taken over my home.
Oh, my God.
I'm not the pilgrim.
I'm the Indian,
and I've lost my home.
I belong nowhere.
I guess I walk the land now.
(whistles)
Here, Dixie Cup!
(tires squeak)
(engine revving)
Easy, girl. Easy.
(thudding, tires squeaking)
(tires squealing)
I've been displaced.
I must wander, seeking a land
where I might belong.
At least I have the radio
to keep me company.
MAN (on radio): Coming up next,
20 minutes of reflective silence.
Perfect.
(brakes squeak)
You ever eat here before?
Every year.
Must be good.
Excuse me, you can't eat here.
You're not homeless.
How'd you know?
You're wearing a wedding ring,
which means
you haven't sold it for drugs.
Your eyebrows
are well-groomed,
suggesting a recent visit
to the salon.
And while I smell beer
on your breath,
it has a whiff of the...
Dutch lowlands,
which means it's imported.
And only homeownersdrink import.
Shirley, you got to
come back to the force.
You were the best detective
this city ever had.
Sorry, I feel like
I make a bigger difference
recognizing who's not homeless.
The stadium.
Packed with Redskins fans.
I may have just found my people.
(cheering)
(two beeps)
Ticket, please.
Oh, I don't have one,
but trust me,
I need to be in there.
It's where I belong.
So, you don't have a ticket?
No, but I'm a Redskins fan.
I've been here
since the beginning.
Oh. Okay, well here's
how the system works.
You need a ticket.
Oh, I-I have one right here!
Sir, that's a
receipt from Arby's,
and I'm not gonna touch it,
because, from what I can tell,
its been in your underpants.
(cheering)
(with Southern accent):
Hey, man, Redskins suck!
I just want to pass!
I seek no fight,
nor do I offer it!
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy now, partner.
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say
that Redskins suck,
but Redskins fans are just fine
in my book,
and welcome
to partake of our bounty.
(with Southern accent):
I'm always tellin' him
to structure
his sentences better.
I'm Laura.
This is Marvin.
You up for a tailgate, hon?
Thanks, but winter is upon me,
and I'm close to death.
I need to get somewhere warm.
Well, hell, there's plenty
of warmth right here.
Tonight's foam finger night,
and these East Coast
folks love to litter.
Let me show you
a little cowboy trick.
(sighs)
I feel like I'm nestled
in the womb of a Nerf lady.
Oh, yeah, pretty warm, right?
Now how about a nice,
cold beer?
Now, hold on there, chief.
Those ain't free.
I'm sorry. I don't
have any money.
Well, that's good,
'cause we only accept these.
Up high!
Now you're talkin', Geronimo!
Let's sit down and talk ash
about each other's teams.
Marvin, 911!
We just ran out of propane!
Shoot, we'll never get the grill
up to 400 degrees now!
Ain't no tailgate without
properly seared turkey burgers.
Okay, everyone, pack it up.
We're drivin' back to Texas.
Wait! Did you
say 400 degrees?
Marvin, Laura, it's time
for me to give back to you.
(engine revving,
burgers sizzling)
Three minutes in
neutral at 5,000 RPMs!
That engine block's at
precisely 400 degrees.
(whoops)
Yay!
Yee-haw!
I think you're an amazing girl,
but I'm just not sure
this is gonna work.
(crying)
Not even with youthful
holiday wig?
I would say especially
with youthful holiday wig.
Come on, Mah Mah.
Everyone's waiting
to eat dessert
and is very embarrassed
for you.
(crying)
Sorry about that.
You want to come downstairs
and have some pie?
Or stay up here and do the same?
Sorry, Hayley.
I've made other dessert plans.
Hayley, you didn't think
I was gonna let Big Wang slip
through my fingers, did you?
Come on, I've still got
two big installs tonight,
but only one more job to do,
if you get my drift.
Marvin, Laura,
various other hicks,
that was the best Thanksgiving
dinner I've ever had.
Who is this guy?!
Exactly! Who am I?
Who am I to you?
Me, a Redskins fan,
you, all Cowboys fans.
(whooping)
(whooping)
Anyone seen my kid?
(whooping)
We couldn't be more opposite
on this day.
But you welcomed me
into your parking space
and taught me how to survive.
'Course we did, Stan.
'Cause where we come from,
Thanksgiving's about
sharing diverse cultures,
no matter who you are or
how much your team sucks.
Or how Chinese you are!
(whooping)
Seriously, I'm gonna be in real
trouble if I can't find him.
(whooping)
I'm home!
I made it home!
Stan, where have you been?!
You took the trash out
hours ago!
I've been to a wonderful place.
I was tailgating in the parking
lot with Cowboys fans.
They taught me how to make
a vest out of foam fingers,
and I taught them
how to cook burgers on my car.
And I learned the true meaning
of Thanksgiving.
That you should accept everyone,
no matter their team colors
or their skin color or...
or how horrible they are.
Oh, that's sweet, Stan.
Wait. Why would there be Cowboys
fans at the Redskins game?
The Cowboys always play
in Dallas on Thanksgiving.
What?
They're gonna ask at Comic-Con.
We better have an answer!
♪ Good morning, USA!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA!
It's Thanksgiving, Klaus.
You know what that means.
A whole day of watching football
in my underwear,
ending with my Redskins
destroying the Cowboys.
Well done, sir.
Won him at a school auction.
What are you waiting for, Stan?
We've only got four hours
of pre-game left.
(gasps)
I'll go make the nachos.
Hurry! They're waking up
Jimmy Johnson!
Jimmy...
Jimmy...
Stan, put your pants on.
No can do, Francine.
This is the first
Thanksgiving in years
where we won't be
entertaining any guests.
I won't have to
put on any airs,
and I certainly won't
be putting on my pants.
But we are entertaining.
My parents will
be here any minute.
Your parents are coming?
(groans)
We talked about this.
Stan, I'm gonna invite
my parents for Thanksgiving.
But then I thought about it
and the next day I told you...
You know what, Francine?
Your parents at Thanksgiving,
that's not gonna work for me.
Oh, and, Steve, you'll have to
find someone else to pick you up
after your eye surgery today.
(door slides open)
It's about time, Dad.
Hey, can we stop for pizza?
(door slides shut)
Stan, it is a family holiday,
after all.
That's right. Our family.
Not your parents.
It's bad enough you and
the kids have to be here.
Well, I'm sorry, Stan.
But growing up
in a Chinese household,
we never had Thanksgiving.
I wanted to introduce 'em to it.
Francine, I'm not running
a master class in Thanksgiving.
Well, I invited 'em and
they're coming and that's that.
Okay, but they eat alone in
the garage, out of trash bags,
and use the neighbor's bathroom.
Can we at least agree to that?
No!
How about they have full yard privileges,
two unrefrigerated sodas apiece,
and at the end of the night
I'll say a chilly good-bye
to the parent of your choosing?
Do we have a deal?
I'll ask you again in the car.
You stay here.
ANNOUNCER: If you're just tuning in
now, things are really heating up!
Both teams have almost
completely checked out
of their hotels.
ANNOUNCER #2: That's right.
And with three hours
until the coin toss
it is still anybody's game!
What's wrong, man?
Francine's parents are coming.
They're totally gonna ruin
the Thanksgiving I had planned.
(doorbell rings)
They're here.
Aw, this is gonna suck.
I got it!
(speaking Chinese gibberish)
Ah, your Chinese gibberish
very mediocre.
Either really learn language
or go broader.
Just so you know, there's gonna
be football on today.
I don't expect you
to understand.
It's an American thing.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Come on, buddy, you got to join
me or I look like a total jerk.
U-S-A! U-S-A!
Man, I-I want to,
but I don't know the words.
Hello, Granddaughter.
We share room tonight.
Aw, you look sad.
What's wrong?
Greasy face got you down?
No, I-I'm sad because this
is the first Thanksgiving
I've spent without Jeff.
Let me tell you what my mom
tell me when I was your age:
"Man you love die in space
so you marry Bah Bah now."
We need find you new man.
Thanks, Mah Mah,
but I'm just not over Jeff.
That's because you still
surrounded by him.
Reminders everywhere.
You need to get rid
of his stuff.
Hey, that was mine!
Sorry. Here.
Use my pipe till I replace.
It work good,
make you cough a lot.
(Chinese folk music playing)
Francine, what the hell's
goin' on in here?
It should smell like turkey
and stuffing,
not a medley of
longevity-inducing vegetables.
Stan, this is my
mom's famous stir-fry.
I thought we could have it
instead of sweet potatoes.
But that's not Thanksgiving!
I don't want
to see this tiny corn!
I don't want to see
your tiny corn!
Put on some pants!
I'm not changing the way I dress
on this most American of days.
This is traditional
American Thanksgiving garb.
You know how you guys always
wear karate outfits?
Well, this is Uncle Sam's
version of that.
Stan, just go watch
some football.
I'll call you
when dinner's ready.
KLAUS: Stan, quick! They're
bringing out the turducken!
ANNOUNCER #2: This year FOX
has genetically engineered
an actual living turducken.
(screeching)
Those are its screams.
Its every step is agony.
What the hell?
I try to make picture better.
No, please, God, no.
Aiya, picture better before.
(screams)
Stan, what's wrong?!
Your dad broke the TV!
My holiday is ruined!
Steve! Your Thanksgiving
marionettes!
This is the perfect time
for them!
(Steve screams)
I just got to untangle them
and I'll be right down!
Disaster averted.
Francine, how long
have we been married
without me raising
a hand to you?
Look, if you want
your television fixed,
call the Nerd Squad.
Yes! A squad of nerds!
They'll know what to do!
What's the number?
I'll call them,
but in the meantime,
can you at least make an effort
to get along with my family?
(sighs) I'll try.
As long as her parents
are in this house,
I can't enjoy the Thanksgiving
I deserve.
We have to get rid of them.
Oh, my God.
Are you suggesting an
organized and systematic...
No.
All right, Klaus,
we're the Pilgrims
and Francine's parents
are the Indians.
If we want to save
this Thanksgiving,
we've got to get them
out of this house.
Okay, first, you're calling
yourself a Pilgrim,
but you're dressed
like an Indian.
It's very confusing.
Second, didn't the Pilgrims
invite the Indians to dinner?
Klaus, you're missing the point.
It might not have even happened.
It's just a story that teaches
us to treat each other nicely.
Now, we got to get these
stupid idiots out of our house!
I see. And how do you plan
to do that?
Why, exploit their fears,
of course.
And throughout time,
what has consistently been
the Chinese people's
greatest enemy?
Roar!
(screaming)
Godzilla Japanese.
(howling)
I'm the ghost of Genghis Khan!
I just got through
your Great Wall,
and I'm going to
plunder your culture!
Actually, not all Chinese people
think of Genghis Khan as scary.
Many Chinese view him
as great military leader
who laid down groundwork
for the third new dynasty.
Francine, I bought a horse.
(door opens)
Ferocious panda on the loose!
Run! Run
for your lives!
It's got a gun!
Huh. I don't know why you guys
are terrified of these things.
We're not.
We love them.
I knew it was one of the two.
Francine, I bought a panda.
Stupid Bah Bah.
Ruining my Thanksgiving day
football.
(grunts) Now?
Do you see anything now?
No, keep trying.
Stan, I'm completely immersed
in water.
Maybe I am not the one
to be futzing with the TV.
Oh, don't be such a baby.
(yelps)
Ooh, ooh!
You almost had it!
Wh-Whatever you did,
do it again!
(doorbell rings)
Nerd Squad.
I'm Trevor.
Your wife called,
your TV's out.
Oh, Roger, awesome!
I said it's Trevor.
Wait, do you really know
what you're doing
or is this just a disguise?
Sir, I have a family, too,
that I would like to
spend Thanksgiving with,
so if you can just
show me your TV.
It's right here.
Oh, wow, it usually takes me
a half hour to find those.
Perfect, Stan!
If Roger fixes the TV,
then maybe Francine's parents
can stay after all.
MAH MAH: Francine, where do you
recycle your chicken heads?
No. No, if I don't put
a stop to this now,
they're just gonna
come back every year.
Oh, I just realized
this thing is tubeless.
That might be a problem.
Jeremy, it's Trev.
We're gonna have
to open up a new ticket.
Stan, why you pay good money?
I could fix.
You don't need to call
Nerd Brigade.
Sir, I'm sorry, I'm gonna
have to step in here.
I am from the Nerd Squad, okay?
The Nerd Brigade wishes
they were the Nerd Squad.
Trust me, all right?
Trust me on that.
Ask anyone who does audiovisual
in the Langley Falls area
and they will tell you
that they prefer the Nerd Squad
all... day... long.
Okay? Y-You want me to wait?
You want me to wait here for you
while you ask anyone in town?
'Cause I'll be here.
I'll be right here
fixing your TV right.
The first time. On Thanksgiving.
You know
what I'm thankful for? Huh?
I am thankful that I work
for the best damn
home theater installation
company in town.
The Nerd Squad!
Oh, that's right.
I work for the other one.
Jeremy, we're gonna have
to give a customer a free cable.
Um, put it under Code 60,
Customer Satisfaction.
I'll just give him
a three-foot HDMI.
It'll only go from the receiver
to the TV.
He can't use it
for anything else.
(sighs)
This was his greatest invention,
a snowboard with wheels on it.
For sidewalks.
Hi-ya.
Okay, you got rid
of Jeff's stuff.
First step done.
Next step, get you new man.
I appreciate that, Mah Mah,
but it's just not that easy.
Oh, it not easy?
'Cause it already done.
Big Wang Bai!
Uh, what?
Big Wang Bai!
He your new boyfriend.
His grandma and I frenemies.
He big success.
Wear clothes by Ralph Lauren.
Okay...
You need more? Fine!
I show you.
See? Look.
Big Wang ride Segway
in downtown Long Beach.
Big Wang never let
his Groupons expire.
He pose on Ferrari!
Hey, Ferraris.
Those cost money.
Shh! You missing Big Wang
wearing white button-down
and jeans
and taking picture
with friends.
Then, he goes to party
and wear all white,
even string
in puka shell necklace white!
He bad boy for life.
Oh, he order extra large
Blizzard at Dairy Queen
and finish!
Mmm. Where are you
puttin' it, Big Wang?
Wait. What am I thinking?
Big Wang Bai too good
for Hayley.
But not too good for Mah Mah.
I guess it wouldn't
hurt to contact him.
No, no, no.
No, he no right for you.
But I thought...
He taken!
But it says here he's single.
(gong bangs)
What was that for?
Haven't you ever seen
The Gong Show?
You lose! Get out!
But it's my room.
(banging gong)
Yeah, you're all set.
You got all your channels now,
although, unfortunately,
because of a licensing dispute,
you currently don't get
A&E, TBS, FX, AMC or ESPN.
But you do get our
satellite radio package,
featuring Reggae Sunsets
on channel 12 hundred.
Great! I can't
thank you enough.
Oh, well, if you feel that way,
and you get a call
from my company
about completing a survey
about the service,
it'd be a big help to me
if you mentioned my name.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Thank you so much.
What's my name?
Rrr... uh, Rizz...
Rizzoli?
Rizzoli and Isles?
I associate Rizzoli and Isles
with cable.
Are you one of them?
Just for that, I'm giving
you Starz and Encore.
Have fun flippin' past 'em.
(door opens and closes)
(sighs, indistinct voices on TV)
Look at that, Stan.
The TV's fixed.
This Thanksgiving
might be salvaged yet.
I told you. It's no longer
about the TV.
We've got to flush these
Chinese Indians off our land.
FRANCINE:
Stan, honey, dinner.
(Stan coughing)
Oh. Oh, gang, bad news.
Bad news, especially
for anyone old and Chinese.
I just got back
from the doctor,
and the results show
I'm positive for Bird Flu.
This just receipt from Arby's.
How you eat ten
beef and cheddars?
They were sliders!
Hey, that's my chair!
I am guest,
which makes it my chair.
Stan, just sit somewhere else.
But that's my chair!
Don't be such a baby!
And take the trash out
before we eat.
It's stinking up the house.
'Sup? I'm Big Wang Bai.
This the... Smith house?
They're all inside.
Big Wang Bai?
What are you doing here?
Who invite you?
I did, Mah Mah.
You whore!
Big Wang, have you met
my grandmother, Mah Mah?
No, I haven't.
Hello. I'm Big Wang Bai.
My mother's told me
all about you.
(Mah Mah moaning)
I-I'm sorry.
I no want to meet this way.
I must put on face cream
and holiday wig.
You want me
to take out the trash?
I'll take out the Mah Mah
and Bah Bah.
'Cause they're trash.
They're the ones
stinking up the house.
'Cause they're stinkers.
They're a couple of stinkers.
Aah! Why don't I ever think
of these things in the moment?
Hey!
They threw out
my Redskins headdress!
Look at them.
They've taken over my home.
Oh, my God.
I'm not the pilgrim.
I'm the Indian,
and I've lost my home.
I belong nowhere.
I guess I walk the land now.
(whistles)
Here, Dixie Cup!
(tires squeak)
(engine revving)
Easy, girl. Easy.
(thudding, tires squeaking)
(tires squealing)
I've been displaced.
I must wander, seeking a land
where I might belong.
At least I have the radio
to keep me company.
MAN (on radio): Coming up next,
20 minutes of reflective silence.
Perfect.
(brakes squeak)
You ever eat here before?
Every year.
Must be good.
Excuse me, you can't eat here.
You're not homeless.
How'd you know?
You're wearing a wedding ring,
which means
you haven't sold it for drugs.
Your eyebrows
are well-groomed,
suggesting a recent visit
to the salon.
And while I smell beer
on your breath,
it has a whiff of the...
Dutch lowlands,
which means it's imported.
And only homeownersdrink import.
Shirley, you got to
come back to the force.
You were the best detective
this city ever had.
Sorry, I feel like
I make a bigger difference
recognizing who's not homeless.
The stadium.
Packed with Redskins fans.
I may have just found my people.
(cheering)
(two beeps)
Ticket, please.
Oh, I don't have one,
but trust me,
I need to be in there.
It's where I belong.
So, you don't have a ticket?
No, but I'm a Redskins fan.
I've been here
since the beginning.
Oh. Okay, well here's
how the system works.
You need a ticket.
Oh, I-I have one right here!
Sir, that's a
receipt from Arby's,
and I'm not gonna touch it,
because, from what I can tell,
its been in your underpants.
(cheering)
(with Southern accent):
Hey, man, Redskins suck!
I just want to pass!
I seek no fight,
nor do I offer it!
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy now, partner.
You didn't let me finish.
I was gonna say
that Redskins suck,
but Redskins fans are just fine
in my book,
and welcome
to partake of our bounty.
(with Southern accent):
I'm always tellin' him
to structure
his sentences better.
I'm Laura.
This is Marvin.
You up for a tailgate, hon?
Thanks, but winter is upon me,
and I'm close to death.
I need to get somewhere warm.
Well, hell, there's plenty
of warmth right here.
Tonight's foam finger night,
and these East Coast
folks love to litter.
Let me show you
a little cowboy trick.
(sighs)
I feel like I'm nestled
in the womb of a Nerf lady.
Oh, yeah, pretty warm, right?
Now how about a nice,
cold beer?
Now, hold on there, chief.
Those ain't free.
I'm sorry. I don't
have any money.
Well, that's good,
'cause we only accept these.
Up high!
Now you're talkin', Geronimo!
Let's sit down and talk ash
about each other's teams.
Marvin, 911!
We just ran out of propane!
Shoot, we'll never get the grill
up to 400 degrees now!
Ain't no tailgate without
properly seared turkey burgers.
Okay, everyone, pack it up.
We're drivin' back to Texas.
Wait! Did you
say 400 degrees?
Marvin, Laura, it's time
for me to give back to you.
(engine revving,
burgers sizzling)
Three minutes in
neutral at 5,000 RPMs!
That engine block's at
precisely 400 degrees.
(whoops)
Yay!
Yee-haw!
I think you're an amazing girl,
but I'm just not sure
this is gonna work.
(crying)
Not even with youthful
holiday wig?
I would say especially
with youthful holiday wig.
Come on, Mah Mah.
Everyone's waiting
to eat dessert
and is very embarrassed
for you.
(crying)
Sorry about that.
You want to come downstairs
and have some pie?
Or stay up here and do the same?
Sorry, Hayley.
I've made other dessert plans.
Hayley, you didn't think
I was gonna let Big Wang slip
through my fingers, did you?
Come on, I've still got
two big installs tonight,
but only one more job to do,
if you get my drift.
Marvin, Laura,
various other hicks,
that was the best Thanksgiving
dinner I've ever had.
Who is this guy?!
Exactly! Who am I?
Who am I to you?
Me, a Redskins fan,
you, all Cowboys fans.
(whooping)
(whooping)
Anyone seen my kid?
(whooping)
We couldn't be more opposite
on this day.
But you welcomed me
into your parking space
and taught me how to survive.
'Course we did, Stan.
'Cause where we come from,
Thanksgiving's about
sharing diverse cultures,
no matter who you are or
how much your team sucks.
Or how Chinese you are!
(whooping)
Seriously, I'm gonna be in real
trouble if I can't find him.
(whooping)
I'm home!
I made it home!
Stan, where have you been?!
You took the trash out
hours ago!
I've been to a wonderful place.
I was tailgating in the parking
lot with Cowboys fans.
They taught me how to make
a vest out of foam fingers,
and I taught them
how to cook burgers on my car.
And I learned the true meaning
of Thanksgiving.
That you should accept everyone,
no matter their team colors
or their skin color or...
or how horrible they are.
Oh, that's sweet, Stan.
Wait. Why would there be Cowboys
fans at the Redskins game?
The Cowboys always play
in Dallas on Thanksgiving.
What?
They're gonna ask at Comic-Con.
We better have an answer!