American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - Independent Movie - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

This is some party!

Hideki's doing it right.

He's doing it exactly right.

This is one of the craziest
parties I've ever been to.



And as you know,
I'm friend..I'm friendly.

I'm friendsly with Shaun White.

Oh, my God.

Is that... Donna
Nicole Marie Banelli?

Hey, Banelli, you got a lot
of nerve showing up here!

WOMAN:
So what? So what?

It's a free world.
So what?

Excuse me, Stan.

That's the bitch who gave all
my ideas to Michael Crichton.

Hideki!
Happy birthday, man!

You're doing it just right!

This party,

that double-breasted jacket
you're wearing with corduroys,

the '70s pornography



you're projecting
on the wall outside.

These two things here.

These are the last two
Etruscan urns in existence.

Geez, Hide, how do you do it?

You can have anything you want
if you just trust your gut.

I don't always understand

why my gut is telling me
to do something,

but I always do it, because
it has never steered me wrong.

(stomach grumbles loudly)

Oh, my God,
you destroyed one of the urns!

Making this one the
last one in existence.

It's priceless now!

Ha, that's right.

Thank you, gut.

So, what happened?

Eh, wasn't her.

And now, the final Lego
to complete our official entry

into the tri-county
Lego competition!

The four stages of Ron Howard.

STEVE:
Opie, Richie Cunningham

and Ron Howard,
the director with...

and without hat.

Not bad.

I love it, and I still don't
know who Ron Howard is.

What, are you an idiot?

He's only one
of the most popular

mainstream directors
of our time.

Eh, Ron Howard's okay,

but I prefer indie films.

(sniffs)

(sniffing)

Wait a minute.

Do you smell that?

Corned beef, tongue,
whitefish salad.

Oh, no.

A deli platter.

That can only mean one thing.

Mom, who died?

Schmuely.

Uncle Ira?

What are you doing here?

How shall I put this?

You're a child,

and you're gonna remember this
for the rest of your life,

so I want to make sure
I say this right.

(shouting):
Your dad is dead!

He's dead!

Man, that Hideki does it right.

What a perfect party.

Well, not entirely perfect.

The cake?
You noticed, too?

ROGER: Don't you hate it
when you're at a party

and you have to wait, like,
forever for a piece of cake?

STAN: Yeah, but they have
to cut the cake somehow.

But what if they didn't?

You mean, what if
they got enough cakes

to give each and every
person their own entire cake?

No, that's not what
I'm talking about at all.

I mean, what if there was some
way to cut all the pieces...

ROGER and STAN:
At the same time?

STAN:
Like some sort of...

ROGER:
Gridded wire blade system

that could quickly
and conveniently...

Dice the cake into
appropriately-sized pieces

with one simple cut?

Yes! It could even be
dishwasher-safe,

and the wire blades could...

Roll into the handles

so it would fit in a kitchen drawer for...
Easy...

- No...
- Nonsense... - Storage?

We could call it
"Piece of Cake"

because it makes
cutting a piece of cake...

A piece of cake!

(Stan's stomach grumbles loudly)

What was that?

I think that
was... my gut.

Oh, my God, this
is just like Hideki!

If we listen to it,
we'll get rich!

Do you really think
it could work?

(Roger's stomach
grumbles loudly)

I think someone does.

(both stomachs grumbling
in harmony)

They need to be together.

(grumbling nearby)

What's that?

Need an investor?

Oh, my God,
we're really doing this!

I know, it's really
gonna happen!

And the best part is we'll be...

equal partners.

With only a verbal contract
based on trust.

What more is necessary
among friends?

(maniacal laughter)

(stomach growling intensifies)
(car alarm blaring)

Snot?

Wh-What are you doing here?

Why aren't you
at your dad's funeral?

I'm not going.

You're not going
to your own dad's funeral?

It's all the way in Stockton.

And my mom isn't going.

And besides,
I didn't even know him.

At best, we were... "friendsly."

Now, come on, we're gonna be
late for the Lego competition.

Whoa, whoa.

You're not going
to the Lego competition.

Snot, if you don't go
to your dad's funeral,

you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life.

Like when I cut off
my rat tail.

Steve, this is not
a big deal to me.

I really don't care.

Because you're in denial.

Hmm, how do I make this
clear to you?

Opie!

What the hell, Steve?

New plan.

Barry, how much gas you got?

A half tank,
but it's a big tank.

Why?

Because we're going
to California.

We're taking Snot
to his dad's funeral.

I said I don't want to go.

Snot, come on.

You know what you
would do right now

if this were one
of your indie movies.

You'd drop everything
you were doing,

hop in this car
and take a cross-country trip

to your estranged
father's funeral.

And you know
where your best friends

in the whole world are gonna be?

Right there beside you
every step of the way.

I care about you way too much

to let you miss something
this big.

Fine, but I'm telling you,

I'm gonna get to that funeral
and still not feel anything

about my dad dying.

I promise you, buddy,
by the time we get there,

you're gonna be
an emotional wreck.

♪

♪ I want you to move
to California for yourself ♪

STEVE: We went out in search
of a way to say good-bye

to an absent father,

but we found
a lot more than that.

We found each other.

Not to mention ourselves.

And like the open road...

we are infinite.

Will you shut up?

You've been narrating
for four hours.

I can't believe
your dad is dead.

Hey, how you doing?

Fine.

My dad was never there
for me when he was alive,

so it doesn't feel
like anything's changed.

I mean, he was in and out
of my life until I was eight,

and then he disappeared
completely.

I used to get all excited
when he was around

'cause he'd give me Cheetos
for breakfast.

It wasn't until I got older
that I came to understand

that he did that because
he didn't care about me at a.

He didn't even care enough
to get me real Cheetos.

It was some off-brand knockoff
called "Cheese O's."

I had no idea
that while I was swimming

in name-brand snack foods,

everything was so weird for you.

I'm gonna need a minute, guys.

(crying)

SNOT: Look, there's a
lonely hitchhiker.

Let's pick him up
and you can analyze him.

Whew, thanks for the ride.

I was standing out there
for quite a while.

It's cool, man.

We're on a pretty
heavy trip ourselves.

His dad died.

So, yeah, there's that.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear about that.

Thanks, but I didn't really...

Yeah.

It's been pretty rough
on all of us.

Barry, pull over.

We need to wander
around the woods.

You've been running
from your feelings, Snot.

But that ends here.

The only thing
more natural than nature

is feelings.

Okay, I'm out.

I don't think I can
relate to this journey.

The truth is I have a
serious meth addiction

and I need to get to an
underpass before nightfall.

Good luck and Godspeed.

(birds chirping)

That could be
your dad right now.

Ca-caw!

♪

♪

♪

What the hell is that thing?

It represents your dad.

I was thinking you could scream
at it or burn it or something.

I'm not gonna do that.

Snot, you need to process this!

This is a big deal!

Yeah, it's my big deal!

And I am not gonna
pretend to have

some big theatrical
reaction to this

just to make you happy!

But you should have
some reaction.

You have to feel something!

He was your dad.

And now he's gone.

We're all gonna die, Steven!

I'm gonna die!

You're gonna die!

Everyone dies!
(thunder crashes)

Do you really think any of this

is going to last forever?

'Cause it's not!

Your dad's death
is tearing us apart!

(grunting)

(sobbing)

We are all alone
in the universe.

We are not alone!

We're in this together!

We are born alone
and we die alone.

Why am I here?

(thunder crashes)

I don't know why I'm here.

Wait a minute.
Where's Toshi?

Toshi?

Tosh!

BARRY:
Toshi!

Toshi, where are you?

Toshi, please come back!

Toshi!

(panting)

It's so hot in this corn.

STEVE:
I found him!

What are you talking about?

Please go.

The secret to
the "Piece of Cake" system

is the real aluminum wire,

which is spun to perfection
in China.

Where they know
how to spin wire.

This wire is safe to touch.

You will not cut yourself
on this wire.

This wire retracts into
the handles for easy storage.

I could just go on and on
about this wire,

but the real proof
is in the puddin',

or the cake,
as I should have said,

because we are about
to slice up some cake!

I don't know about you,

but I am glad I came
to work today.

Now, just watch this.
Look at this.

Watch and see how
amazing this is.

Look! Look! Look! Look!

Look at this!
Look at this! Look!

Now, I've heard stories
of people running this system

under hot water
and using it on ice-cream cake!

We don't have time to
dillydally, so we're just

going to get a room, shower up,

and then get right back
on the road.

Um, hi.

Uh, can I help you
with your cello?

No. It's my suitcase.

I just don't think
all suitcases

should be rectangles, you know?

I think sometimes suitcases

can be cello cases
with clothes in them.

What are you doing here?

I'm traveling cross-country
taking Polaroid pictures

of people walking
other people's dogs.

It's pretty hard to tell,

but I didn't become an artist

because it was easy.

You're amazing.

I'm actually a total dork.

I got to get something to eat.

I'm starving.

(fluorescent lights humming)

(coins clatter
into vending machine)

Where were you?!
Where were you?!

Where were you?!

(sobbing)

WOMAN:
Move.

You can move that way
or you can move that way,

but you got to move.

You're right.

I've been frozen inside.

Stuck.

Now I understand

what Steve was trying
to do for me.

I got to get to this funeral.

I've got to move.

Yes, move.

I must clean.

Frat boys poop all over room.

And in the lobby!

They only do this
'cause I Tri Delt.

Yeah, so his dad is dead

and we're heading
to the funeral.

It's rough, because his dad

was never really
there for him, so...

you know,
it's-it's rough.

He's also pretty poor.

Well, with a friend like you,

he's got more than most.

(whispering): I'm gonna
leave this picture

at a gas station.

Steve, I get it now.

I get why I have to go
to my dad's funeral.

And I owe it all to you.

That-that's great, buddy.

And I want to talk all about it

the minute you get back.

Just you and me
in the buddy closet.

You're not going with me
to my dad's funeral?

I would love to,
but-but this girl,

this-this incredibly
hard-to-define girl...

I think she's the one.

And that I would meet her now,

while you're going
through your thing...

what wonderfully
transformative time

for both of us!

But...

(grunts) Life.

Am I right?

I can't believe Steve bailed

after everything
we've been through.

Thanks for being here
for me, Barry.

Hey, I just feel good

taking you to your
dad's funeral.

♪

I just realized
I don't know your name.

I could tell you my name,

but would my name tell you

that I'm incapable
of seeing the color orange?

I just have to trust people
who give me these.

Or that I think mustaches
are T-shirts for lips?

Or that I wear
ice skates to weddings?

It's hard to dance.

But that's just the
type of person I am.

I'm Steve.

I'm the kind of guy
who drives cross-country

to take his friend
to his old man's funeral,

then gives it all up
when he finds

his manic, pixie dream girl
along the way.

Wait a minute.

You blew off your
grieving friend

to hang out in a hot tub
with a complete stranger?

No.

No, you don't understand.

I helped him get in touch
with his sadness.

I'm the only reason
he even went to the funeral.

Oh, I just figured you out.

You're an emotional tourist.

A what?

You're the kind of person

who feeds off
other's experiences

to fill the void inside of you.

An emotional tourist.

And I'm sorry,

but that's not the
trip I packed for.

(panting)

STEVE:
We're all searching.

For something.

Something that makes us
feel alive.

Something to connect us.

♪

To give our lives meaning.

But sometimes when you're
searching for something,

the worst thing
that can happen is...

you find it.

Well, we made it.

(sniffs)

So, now what?

Just drive.

A railroad gypsy took
away my vas deferens,

but you are bumming me out.

(sniffs)

STEVE: I should have
gotten out of the truck

and given Snot a hug...

but I couldn't face him.

I chose a girl
over my best friend.

And it'll haunt me
the rest of my life.

TRUCK DRIVER: I've seen a lot of
strange things in my long life,

in between the blinks,

but that was definitely
the weirdest kid

I ever drove away
from a funeral.

And I'm usually up
for anything.