American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Crotchwalkers - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

STEVE:
Radishes are looking healthy.

Strawberries have their seeds
on the outside. That's good.

Zucchini
appropriately phallic...



inducing slight feelings
of inadequacy.

What the...! These tomatoes
are mired in the dirt!

They're-they're in danger
of getting ground rot!

They look okay to me.

The day "okay" is good enough
for this garden club

is the day I resign
as its president!

We're co-presidents, Steve.

Then start acting like it!

Oh, what nice tomatoes.

No, Mom, they're not.

(quietly):
What are you doing here?

You're making me look uncool
in front of the garden club!

Gardening? Steve, that's
one of my four things!

And you and I haven't really done
anything together in a while.



Can I join? Gardening
is about creating

something from nothing
and watching it grow.

What would you know
about that, Mother?

Pfft!

Anyway...

if we intend to have
gazpacho for Arbor Day,

we're gonna need
a tomato cage, stat.

To the gardening store!

Ooh, maybe I could drive you.

We could play car bingo!

I'll let you smoke!

(finishing lively song)

I got to say,
I'm all a-tither

for our big performance.
I know, right?

Russian balalaika trios
are gonna be the next big thing,

and we'll be at the forefront,
raking in the rubles.

Then where's our audience?

Relax. People will show.

I mean, we're the only
game in town, right?

I mean, it's not like there's anyone else
in Langley Falls working their asses off

to keep alive the orchestral folk
traditions of tsarist Russia!

Just made my own sandwich
for the first time.

Awful. Just awful.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, oh, oh, God.

(sighs)

What's your drama, Mama?

Steve doesn't want anything
to do with me anymore.

We used to have
so much in common,

but now... Oh, it's all
perfectly natural.

Steve is becoming a man,
and one aspect of being a man

is having absolutely
no interest in women.

(groans) I suppose
you're right.

Of course I'm right--
because I'm a man.

A man, Francine.

From my head down
to my low-hanging...

(amplified heartbeat)

(quiet crunching)

Ooh!

Stan! Are you okay?

(siren wailing)

(whistles) This is
some thick-ass gauge wire.

We're buying it.

Barry, hand over the money.

I don't have any money.

But you're the treasurer.

We-we gave you all
of our club funds to manage.

I spent it all on dance moves!

Jealous?

A little.

(sighing):
Aw, great.

Well, we need this cage.

So I guess we have no choice
but to steal it.

Okay, so Toshi's in,
I'm in. You guys in?

Okay, but how
are we gonna do it?

(fierce yelling)

That was awesome!

What a rush!
I'm shaking.

I want to rip something off!

No, me!

In time, fellows.

But you're just beginners,

so we need to find a place
that's easy to steal from.

Hmm...

I don't get it.

Why didn't people come?

We had 45 maybes on our Evites.

Hayley, "maybe" means no.

The only place that
"maybe" means maybe is sex.

Maybe.

Okay, I'll bite.

What's up with the
gyroscope on his junk?

Stan was... injured

and went into a rare
condition known as...

"testicular
retreat syndrome."

His, um... nuggs
were so traumatized,

they ran up into
his body to heal.

What? Will he be okay?

We don't know yet.

They might drop down
again someday,

but the doctors say
there's a good chance

they'll just die up there,

like a gut-torn rabbit
in a wooded thicket.

Wait, hold on a second.
I'm confused.

Why the hell didn't you dicks show
up to our balalaika concert?!

(high-pitched): I've got
bigger problems right now

than supporting
your commie music!

(both laughing)

Stop! So what if I sound
a little feminine?

Stop laughing and treat me
with the respect I deserve!

(both laughing)

My voice is not that...

(dogs barking in distance)

...not that high.

(barking continues)

It's a little higher
than usual.

(dogs barking,
banging against door)

And that, Mr. Baby,
is why I vastly prefer

a good round of marbles to
these confounded video games.

Back in my day,
all we had to have fun

was sleepy hobos and fire ants.

Well, thanks for
the trip down memory lane,

but there's a can outside,
and it's not gonna kick itself.

(jail cell door slamming shut)

Hold it right there, son.

Abort! Abort!

What's in your pocket there?

And how about
your other pocket?

I-I'm in a gardening club!

(groans) There, there, sweetie.

Hey, Stan, want me
to horse whisper

those bad boys out of there?

(whispering inaudibly)

Wh-What did they say?

It's no use.

There's no talking
sense into them...

'cause they're nuts!

♪
Aah! Thank you! Aah! Ha-ha!

Dad, things'll turn out okay.

Jawohl. I lost my testes
when I became a fish.

But being a fish isn't all bad.

Now I can write inspirational
messages in the water.

No! I'm a freak!

Until my boys drop
and my voice returns,

I vow you'll never
hear me speak again!

Starting...

(phone rings)

Hello.

What? Oh, no!

I'll be right down!

Aah! Ha-ha-ha!

Wow!

♪

Ha! Yeah!

Thank you for letting Steve off
with just a warning, Mr. Baby.

Well, you're lucky I'm just
a mom-and-pop operation.

Technically,
just a pop operation,

since the woman
I share my bed with

is not the mother
of my children,

but a toothless candy whore
who I pay in Razzles.

But the bigger corporate stores

won't be so forgiving
with your boy.

Oh, don't you worry.

Steve will learn his lesson.

Yo, Julian, where my Razzles?!

Damn it, woman, why
won't you yell at me?!

And what are we doing
in your bedroom?

Oh, God!

You're gonna lock me
in your closet!

(trembles) But that's where
the Blouse Monster lives!

(mechanical whirring)

A-A secret room?

STEVE:
What is this stuff?

Ah, just a lot of things
I've stolen over the years...

successfully.
What?!

Don't you get it, Steve?

I'm not angry at you
for stealing.

I'm angry that you got caught!

Aah! Blouse Monster!

No! I won't put you on!

I don't understand.

You're telling me

you shoplifted all this stuff?

And unlike you,

I haven't gotten
caught in 20 years.

Wow, look at all
these treasures.

A ream of printer paper,

a VHS tape rewinder,

a four-pack of paint rollers.

Huh, this all looked a lot more
impressive on first glance.

That's 'cause I give 'em all
a regular spritz

with this Sparkle Spray.

It's so beautiful.

This is all so...

badass!

I thought you were
a typical, lame mom,

but it turns out
you're a hard-core criminal?

A criminal is someone
who gets caught, Steve.

We're artists.

We?
That's right.

You're my son.

And from now on,
when my son steals,

he's gonna know how
to get away with it.

(indistinct conversations)

I can't believe

we're getting ready
to shoplift together!

What mother doesn't
dream of this moment?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's do this!

Let's lift some khakis!

The Gash?

You can't start there.

The security
is top-notch.

First, I have to
teach you everything

about how to work a snatch.

Please tell me we're still
talking about stealing.

♪ Why don't we steal away?

♪ Why don't we steal away

♪ Into the night?

♪ I know it ain't right

♪ Don't tease me

♪ Why don't you please me?

♪ Then show me

♪ What you came here for

♪ Why don't we steal away?

♪ Why don't we steal away

♪ Into the night?

♪ I know it ain't right.

(playing balalaika music)

He liked it!

Uh, not so fast.

I think the periods
imply detached sarcasm.

Of course they do!

The entire second verse

you were plucking
instead of plinking!

Don't you start, fish!

You play that gusli
like a syphilitic babushka!

Quiet!

You're both bourgeois
mediocrities.

Wait.
Where are you going?

I don't need you two
to get famous.

Most people just come

to hear the garmon anyway.

Fine.

The mariachi band
at El Compadre's

been begging me to join 'em.

And I'll just become

a solo gusli sensation!

(laughing)

Look who thinks he's
the next Igor Kasminov.

(gasps) That is it!

From here on, consider
this balalaika trio kaputsky!

Fine!

Nothing will unite
us ever again!

Presents!

Hayley, this megaphone is
the absolute top-of-the-line.

Certain to make you
the most annoying person

at your next Occupy rally.

Thanks, Dingus!

Roger, I found you
this limited-edition

porcelain doll
of JonBenet Ramsey...

as an angel.

Are you implying that there was
any version of her that wasn't?

(crying):
Oh, God, I love her so much!

Klaus, we got you
a Tiffany fishbowl.

It's just like
your regular fishbowl,

except it's expensive
for some reason.

Whatever, as long as I have
the blue box to show the girls!

And finally, for Stan,

a custom Rolex with
a special display

that counts down the minutes
until Rachel Maddow's death!

How did I pay for all this?

Well... money, of course.

Oh, who are we kidding?!

We lifted it!
We pinched it!

We gave it the old Zazzoo!

(gasps) I'm assuming
from context

that old Zazzoo
also means stealing.

Yes.
(gasps)

I can't believe
what I'm hearing!

Shoplifting?
Seriously, guys?

For shame!

(muffled laughter)

Francine, what are we teaching
our children

and aliens and fish?

I may not have the authority
around here I once had,

but damn it,
I still know what's right!

I'm sorry, but Rachel Maddow's
death will just have

to come
as a pleasant surprise to me.

Promise me you two
will never steal again.

Okay, Dad. I promise
we'll never shoplift again.

Will we, Mom?

Okay.

Are we done here?

'Cause we were in the
middle of a storm-off.

Our balalaika trio is finished!

Dad, are you bathing?

'Cause it-it smells
like you're...

not bathing.

Well, this is still fun.

I mean, we're hanging out.

(loud slurping through straw)

Um, we don't have to
hang out at the mall.

We could always
get a motorcycle

with a sidecar
and find lost dogs!

Yeah. See you later, Mom.

Wait! What if we
shoplift again?

What?

I mean... we can't
go out like this.

We got to have one final heist.

But we promised Dad.

Look, this isn't just any heist.

I'm talking
about hitting The Gash.

The Gash?!

You mean I'm finally ready?

No, Steve.

We're ready.

Yeah, you're ready!

I'm liking that confidence!

Anyway, what's next?

Where we going?

Okay, I'll create a distraction

while you run a
reverse snatch-and-grab

down the cardigan table.

Meet at the
fountain at 2:00.

Got it.

Excuse me.

I think there's something
wrong with this changing room.

(rats squeaking) (gasps)

Oh, she is good.

(indistinct shouting,
rats squeaking)

Huh.

Excuse me. Have you seen
my beautiful boy?

Yeah, he was here.

But our Loss Prevention
Unit has him now.

(gasping)

(insects trilling)

(whirring and dinging) Aah!

Hi there, shoplifter!

Welcome to The Gash...

sweatshop!

(whirring)

(Steve screams)

(birds singing)

Excuse me, miss?

Hi. How can I help you today?

I was just wondering, who's
my union representative?

(screaming)

Okay. Oh.

Anything else
I can help you with?

No, thanks.

Okay, well, my name's Harper
if you need anything.

How long have you been here?

20 years.

Oh, my God, I just realized
I can't take it anymore!

(rhythmic beeping)

(punches landing)

(beeping stops)

No! Not the sweater fold!

(screaming, snapping)

(grunting)

(grunting)

(panting):
Stan!

I'm sorry. I ran
all the way home

because I forgot
I had my car with me.

The Gash's Loss Prevention Unit
caught Steve shoplifting!

You guys were
shoplifting again?

Skip the lecture.

When people get caught
shoplifting from The Gash,

they're never heard from again.

Well, I wish I could help you,

but I am powerless
without my nuggs.

Only you can save our son.

You're the man
of the house now.

(doors creaking)

Good-bye, Stan.

Do whatever it takes
to get Steve back.

(door slams)

♪ Climb every mountain

♪ Search high and low

♪ Follow every byway

♪ Every path you know

♪ Climb every mountain

♪ Ford every stream

♪ Follow every rainbow

♪ Till you find your dream

♪ A dream that will need

♪ All the love you can give

♪ Every day of your life

♪ For as long as you live

♪ Climb every mountain

♪ Ford every stream

♪ Follow every rainbow

♪ Till you find your dream!

(song ends)

Oh, my God, that
was transcendent!

With you and your heavenly voice
accompanying us,

we'll skyrocket to the top

of the ever-popular
world music charts!

I say we reunite the
band, but as a quartet.

How about it, Daddy?

I suppose
I could give it a try.

Yay!
(whoops)

Yes!

Yeah, it'll be fun, right?

I mean, this could be
just what I need

to get me out
of this living room.

(two pops) (in normal
voice): And back into life.

My boys just dropped!

No, no. No!

Thank God.
I'm back to normal.

I don't have to settle

for a life of singing
with you idiots after all.

♪ Swing low,
sweet chariot... ♪

Ah, to hell with it.

(discordant tones playing)

(birds singing)

Hello.

Welcome to The Gash's
infamous third-world sweatshop.

Hola.

I'm an inspector from...
the government.

We have concerns your sweatshop
isn't cruel enough.

Ridiculous!

As you can see, our facility
is exceptionally cruel.

Our workers may pray

for freedom,
but they hope for death.

Oh, what a pretty coat!

What's your name?

Worker 39872.

But I used
to be called Matilda.

I don't like the spunk
in this one.

Seems like she still
has some will to live.

I'll interview her alone.

Okay, Matilda, here's the deal.

I'm not really an inspector.

I'm a shoplifter,
just like you.

Are-are you the one?

The savior foretold
in our legends

come to free us
from our bondage?

Huh? No.

Oh. That sucks.

Have you seen this kid
around here?

Well, I don't know him,

but, uh, the latest batch of
arrivals ended up in Zone Q.

Wait! If-if you're getting
out of here,

could you take me with you?

You have my word, Matilda.

Steve?!

Floobity-floobity!

(grunts)

Mom?!

Steve!

Let's get out of here.

What about my sensor tag?

You'll never get me
through those gates.

(snap)

Whoa. How'd you do that?

This is me we're talking about.

The woman who once crotchwalked
an oven out of a Sears.

Crotchwalked?

Oh, dear.

Thanks for the access.

I'll be sure to give
a favorable report.

Thank you, and may I just say,

you look in no way
suspicious to me.

(pop) Aah!

Just send me back to work.

I can't be all up in that.

She's trying
to liberate a shoplifter!

Seize them!

I'm really sorry, Mom.

I blew it for both of us.

You didn't blow
anything, sweetie.

I've still got one last
shoplifting trick up my sleeve.

(explosion)

(machine gun fire)

Not really a shoplifting trick

so much as one
of Dad's grenades, Mom.

Hey, it worked at Macy's!

(bullet ricocheting)

(crickets chirping)

Matilda!

Bitch!