American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 23 - Blagsnarst, a Love Story - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

(tires screeching)

Ow! Watch it!
Roger!

You know the rules:

If you want to leave the house,
you have to wear a disguise.

I know, but you left so quickly



and my cape was still
in the dryer-- I panicked.

Roger, there's a whole floor
in that CIA building back there

dedicated to looking for you!

Well, then,
they should check J-Date.

I'm listed as Mike Saperstein.

And let me tell ya,

Saps pulls in a ton of J-V.

Stay down!
Someone might see you!

(squeaking)

What are you doing down there?!

Pretending I'm
a boa constrictor.

What's going on with you?

Why you being so clingy?

Oh, I don't know,
maybe it's something in the air.



(squeaking)

Your calf is so soft.

(sighs)

This isn't how
I imagined middle age.

(soothing music playing)

(sighs deeply)

(water splashes gently)

(splashing)

(gasps)

Baths are so great,

cause the toilet's right there,
you know?

No stress.

Speaking of...

(humming happily)

(screams)

So, where are we going?

I'm going to school.

Ooh! Sounds fun!

Hey, I bet I can guess
what's in your lunch

just by sitting on it.

(rustling in backpack)

A carrot?

(Roger sobbing)

WOMAN:
♪ Travel down the road ♪

♪ And back again ♪

They're such good friends.
♪ Your heart is true ♪

Such a close bond.
♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪

Just like you and me,
right, Klaus?

You're smooshing me, bro!

You're smooshing me!
♪ And if you threw a party... ♪

All right, family meeting.

I'm worried about Roger.

Thank you for saying something.

It's like he can't be
by himself anymore.

I know! He even followed me
to school one day.

It was against the rules!

I mean, sure, it made
the children laugh and play.

Yeah, I've been having
an issue with him, too.

Hugs, not drugs.

That's what I say.

I'm also on drugs.

Well, get off!

I need to go to the mall.

Oh! I want to
go to the mall!

Oh, please, let me go with you!

Please, please...!

(sighs)
Fine.

Great! Let's play that game
where we see what stores

let us use their
employee bathroom.

The one spot in the store
all their own

and we take it.

Roger, I'm glad you're not
straddling me anymore,

but you're ruining
your Build-A-Bear.

Hey! If he doesn't like it,
he can say something.

That's why I gave him
three mouths.

Well, that's
not why... (laughs)

(sniffs)
Do you smell that?

(scoffs)

It's probably all that
young tail in Forever 21.

No...

(sniffing)
This way.

We have to go this way.

Roger, what's going on?!

I'm not sure.

I just...
sense something.

(sniffing)
This way.

(horns honking)

I got to see where
that guy's going.

(tires screeching)

(brakes squeak,
engine shuts off)

(brakes squeak)

This is just a park!

Thanks for wasting my day,
buttholes!

(engine revving,
tires screeching)

MAN: Hey, where's
that squirrel going?

We're in the middle of nowhere!

What are you looking for?

I don't know!
(sniffs)

But it's through
that drainage pipe.

I'm not going in there.

But it's my destiny.

Would you deny me
my destiny, Francine?!

Or, I suppose we could just
walk over this tiny hill.

(Francine gasps, coughs)

Welp...

I found that missing runner.

(gasps)

ROGER:
An alien ship!

Of course!

This is why
I've been all worked up!

Hello!

I-Is anyone in there?

Help! I crashed and
I don't have a boyfriend!

(gasps)
Do you know her?

Oh, right, cause all aliens
know each other.

Yeah, racist.

Oh...

(door opens)

Stan...

We have something to show you.

This is...
(hocks a loogie sound)

and...
(hocks a loogie sound)

This is my husband, Stan.

FURRY ALIEN:
Oh, my God.

You have such a beautiful home.

What the hell is that?!

Stan, be nice.

It's an alien.

She's why I've been acting
so weird and needy lately.

She crashed near here
a few days back

and I've been vibing
on her lady pheromones.

I smelled him, too.

I think that's why
I crashed here.

Oh, my God.
I'm so into you.

(both moaning passionately)

Aw, look, Stan...

new love.

Well, good.
Then you'll die happy.

(cocks gun)
(gasps)

No, Stan!
What are you doing?!

It's hard enough having
one alien around, Francine.

I'm sorry, but she's got to go.

Stan, you just got to let
(hocks a loogie sound) stay.

Please, have I ever
asked you for anything?

All you do is ask me for things.

Just the other day,
you told me if I didn't

bring home tomato juice,

you'd kill yourself.

I was down to 24 cans!

Look...
(hocks a loogie sound)

and Roger have
a unique bond, Stan.

Like you and me.

Can't you see that?

Yeah, that's really stupid,
Francine, but...

maybe I am overreacting a bit.

I mean, if the CIA had any intel

about an alien on the loose,

I-I'd know about it.

(dramatic music stinger plays)

Anything yet?

It's definitely an

extraterrestrial
spacecraft, sir.

Or, maybe it's a refrigerator

that fell off an airplane.

You think everything's
a refrigerator

that fell off an airplane.

(screaming):
It happens!

No, it's a spacecraft

and it was piloted by...

something...

and we will not rest

until we find that something.

But what if we get tired?

Tired?

Did you know that
P. Diddy only sleeps

four hours a night?

Like I've always said,

let's run the CIA Diddy style:

He's up all night
designing sweatpants,

picking colors, textures,

various velours.

Piping here,

double pockets there,

his mind is a volcano.

I swear to you, sir,

we will capture
this P. Diddy

and bring him to your feet!

I can't wait!

(crickets chirping)

So...
(hocks a loogie sound)

tell us a little about yourself.

I like long walks
in the blistering suns.

And playing in the
sulfuric rain.

But my favorite
thing to do is...

(whispering)

Um... if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna take
(hocks a loogie sound)

upstairs and (spitting)
all over her.

(aliens giggling)

(running upstairs)

(door slams shut)

(pounding, both grunting)

(both giggling, grunting)

(alien panting, glass breaks)

(toy squking, both grunting)

(alien screams, whoops)

(primitive animal noises)

(toy squeaking)

(alien screaming,
Roger grunting)

(alien whooping)

(alien grunting, Roger grunting)

You know what?
Let's go out to eat.

(Roger grunting, alien yelping)

I feel like I can still hear it.

We are still hearing it, Stan.

(alien yelps)

(yawns)

Oh...

geez, so...

you were in here last night?

I tried to look away,
but I couldn't.

It was so horrible.

Like looking at the ass of God.

Anyway, I hope you
enjoyed the show,

because it won't
be happening again.

I am over her.

You're over her?!

But you seemed perfect
for one another.

Eh, not really.
When we're doing it,

she makes this little
clicking noise--

click, click, click--

barely hear myself groaning.

I can't be with
someone like that.

Oh, I see what's happening, bro.

It's the old
hit it and quit it, bro.

She is gonna be devastated, bro.

Oh, please.
She knew the dealio

when she hooked up
with the R-Dog.

Wa-Wa-Wait.

She also slept with
Ricky from Walgreens?

No, I'm the R-Dog.

I don't know.

He has a tattoo
that says, "R-Dog"--

I'm the R-Dog!

All right! All right!
You're the R-Dog!

(quietly):
When Ricky's not around.

Anyway, I'm not worried about
(hocks a loogie sound).

She knows things between us
are totally "caj."

Roger's the one.

I finally found the creature

I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life with.

So romantic!

Mmm.
(smacks lips)

These pancakes are terrific.

Well, breakfast is
the most important meal

of the "fatubeadoop."

I see you started breakfast
without me.

Didn't know this was
motel lobby rules.

Good morning, sexy.

Somebody was a little
hair-puller last night,

wasn't he?

I wasn't so much hair pulling,

as I was just trying to find...

something...

Like, what are the hairs

growing out of?

Like a base.
You know, I don't know,

I just knew I'd know
what it was when I found it.

Oh, Roger, we just love
(hocks a loogie sound)!

Uh, yeah, she's terrific.

Plus, she hasn't seen The Wire

and I love to turn people on to
The Wire.

Speaking of turn-ons...

Okay, before
this concrete hardens...

Um, can we have a talk?

So... the thing is...

uh, I've kind of
lived in this attic

for a long time...

by myself--

Stop.

I totally get it.

You don't want me
to move in here

and make your bachelor pad
all girly.

Wait, what?!

But don't worry, the idea is
to make it reflect us.

I mean, as a couple.

I was thinking, pink plaid.

Oh, that's actually perfect,

but about the
"couple" thing--

I know!

I don't want to
spend another minute

on this big blue marble
without you.

I feel exactly the same way,

but the opposite.

We're breaking up.

What?! Why?

'Cause... I'm...

seeing someone else.

(scoffs)
I don't believe you.

(groans):
Uh... wait here.

MAN:
♪ El perro, el perro ♪

No, you're the piñata!

I'm gonna poke you with a stick!

(both guffawing)

(woman laughs)

(tires screeching)

You wanted proof:

I got 280 pounds of proof
right here.

And that's not a dig on her.

In her culture, being heavy

is a sign of being rich
or whatever.

Don't tell me, you'd pick her...

over this.

This is too weird,
I'm out of here.

Catalina, wait!

She's leaving, I swear!

(door shuts)

Great. You happy?

She's gone.
My girlfriend is gone.

Roger, we're
supposed to be together.

I just know it.

And if you just
give us a chance,

you'll know it, too.

Yeah.

You know what?

Let's give it another shot.

How about I take you to a
romantic B&B for the weekend?

Oh, Roger, you really mean it?

BARRY MANILOW:
♪ And I'm... ♪

♪ Ready to take a chance again ♪

♪ Ready to put my love ♪

♪ On the line ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Been living with
nothing to show for it ♪

♪ You get what you give
when you go for it ♪

♪ And I'm ready to take
a chance again with you... ♪

(song fades out)

(dramatic instrumental
music plays)

I'm sorry, son.

(hissing)

Cop killer!

(hissing)

(heart beating)

(heartbeat slows)

(footsteps synchronize
with heartbeat)

(sighs)

(door squeaks open)

(sobbing)

(sniffs)

I don't understand.

I thought you guys...

were good.

(phone ringing)

(sighs)

What is it, Charles?

Sir, I'm sorry for calling.

It's fine, what is it?

The council meeting
has been pushed to Thursday.

And the governor called
to send his condolences

and to say how happy he was

with how you handled
the Marietta case.

Charles, why are you calling?

Um...

well, Wyatt Borden called.

What?! You know I want nothing
to do with that scumbag.

Sir! The election
is in two months

and your campaign
needs some big money.

I don't care!
Wyatt Borden's company

is the worst chemical dumper
in the state!

I'm not gonna protect him
after I become attorney general.

I'd rather lose the election
than get in bed with that devil!

(tires screech, thud,
boy screams)

(car races away,
tires squealing)

BOY: Tommy, help! Somebody help!
Oh, God.

I'll be right down.

(floorboard squeaks)

(boy crying in distance)

BOY (crying):
Somebody help me!

(boy continues crying)

(phone line ringing)

MAN (eerily):
Yes?

Wyatt.

This is Vincent Edmunds.

Mmm...

what a pleasant surprise.

We see big things for you,
young Vincent.

Is that right?

Indeed!

In fact, someday,

I'd rather not call you
Vincent at all,

but rather...

Mr. President.

I know I need a disguise,

but won't it look strange,

you checking into a
romantic B&B with your dog?

Well, if anyone asks,

I'll just explain
that I'm banging my dog.

That should stop the questions.

(laughs):
Oh, Roger,

you have a plan for everything.

Yes, I do.

We'll be arriving
at the bed and breakfast soon.

I'm just gonna pull over,
so we can stock up on snacks.

I love that idea.

We won't need to leave our room
the entire weekend.

Actually, it's one of those
Euorpean-style places,

so we'll be
pooin' down the hall.

(brakes squeak,
engine shuts off)

(phone beeps, line rings)

(phone rings)

This is Raven Talon
Cougar Panther.

Are we a go?

(hillbilly accent):
Sure thing.

I got that alien you folks
been looking for.

Just like I said I would.

I'll drop her
at the bed and breakfast

in ten minutes.

(phone beeps off)

"For a good time, call..."

Well, okay!

(keypad beeping)

(line ringing)

(over phone): Hi, it's Roger,
leave me a message.

(voicemail beeps)

Hi. Um, I don't usually
call these things and like,

there's no way
you could know this about me,

but I like always
do the responsible thing.

I'm Mr. Play-It-Safe.

But I just told myself,

"Out of your box, Roger!"

You know, if not now, when?!

It's time to start living,

'cause-'cause this just in:

Nobody ever said
on their deathbed,

"I wish I hadn't called
that truck stop phone number."

Oh, my God,
I feel like I'm rambling.

I-I-I'm rambling,
listen to me!

But anyways,
I'm here at the wall, right now.

Are you within
striking distance or what?

So... I guess, yeah,
give me a call, it'll be fun.

(phone beeps) What did I do?!

What did I do?!
What did I do?!

No, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine!

(gasps)
Oh, voicemail!

Oh...!

Oh, I am gonna
give it to this guy.

(door bell jingles)

Walk faster, I miss you.

Well, I'm coming
as fast as I can!

(phone ringtone plays)

Mm-yello?

Roger, Bullock got a tip
about your girlfriend.

He's assembling a strike force
to capture her.

Whatever you do,
don't leave the house.

Yeah. How important
is that last part?

Because not only are we
out of the house...

(gasps)
...and headed to that

bed and breakfast...
(gasps)

...but it was me who
called in the tip to Bullock.

(dramatically gasps)

BULLOCK:
Who's gasping out there?!

Stop it!

You called in the tip?!

Yeah. I tried
to break up with her,

but she wasn't
getting the message.

But Roger, if the CIA gets her,
she'll be dissected!

Only after they finish
interrogating her

and her stories...

never... end.

Yeah. Yeah. And did you
think for a minute

about what's gonna happen
when she blabs about us?!

I did, Stan,
I thought about it for a minute

and then a horn honked,
distracting me.

But that doesn't
change the fact--

(horn honks twice)

To whom am I speaking?!

And to what have I been saying?!

Roger, whatever you do,
don't give her to them.

Right. Right. Got it.
(phone beeps off)

Roger, where are you going?

The bed and breakfast
is the other way.

Yeah, there's been
a change of plans.

What? Why?

Are they overbooked?

No, I'm under-interested.
Listen...

(brakes squeak)

...I'm sorry...

but this trip was a mistake.

It's time we go
our separate ways.

What?!

I thought you were
giving us a chance.

Nope!

Now look, you invested
a little time in this, too,

so, how about...

20... $24?

That-that
sound fair to you?

That sounds fair to me.

(crying):
Unbelievable.

(door opens, slams shut)

I think you're a super lady!

Blow it out your ass!

(sighs)
I have a feeling

I'm gonna regret
letting that get away;

My favorite fake dog nose.

Weapons armed, men!

(guns clicking)

We should arrive
at the B&B in T-minus...

Wait a tic,

look at that beautiful dog.

Oh... I want a dog!

(wind whooshes)

(gasps)

It's the alien!

Intercept!

Oh, no!

Attagirl, lose 'em in the woods,

you'll be safe there.

(explosions)

(alien screams)

(shrieking)

(sighs)
Ah, crap.

BULLOCK (over P.A.):
Attention, alien creature!

Do you speak English?

Yes!

Really? Wow!

That's weird.

Anyway, prepare to be captured!

Yep, captured.

In a net.

Which we'll launch at you.

With a net gun.

Just takes a minute to warm up.

How the hell am I supposed to
take down a CIA helicopter?

Wait! If I take these twigs,

this small rock
and my bubble gum...

Okay, this'll be simple.

I just have to pretend
I'm Dick Cheney

and that helicopter
is my friend's face.

Not the most timely reference,

but it's not my fault
more current people

aren't shooting their friends
in the face.

BULLOCK:
Don't take...

another step.

(Roger screaming)

No!

Alien stealer!

(motor revving)

You came back for me.

(chuckles)
I knew you loved me.

You know,
people are gonna ask us

why we're back together.

But I just feel like
that's our business, you know?

We don't have to explain
our love to anyone.

They're all
just jealous, anyway--

jealous that we have
the kind of love

that's greater than anything
in the entire galaxy.

And that's how I became
Kim Kardashian.

"And that's how she became
Kim Kardashian."

The end.