American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 22 - A Boy Named Michael - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

(creaking)

I got to tell you.

I love the "boys
night in" concept.



Two dudes just letting it
all hang out.

(grunting)

What are you doing?

Stan, just get the prostate
surgery, you cheapskate.

No, I'm trying
to wear out this chair.

Francine won't let me
buy a La-Z-Boy

until this one breaks.

You can buy a La-Z-Boy?

I thought you could only
win them on game shows.

I would love one of those.

Scoot over, I'll help.

(both grunting)

Finally tonight, Terry and I
have some wonderful news:

We're adopting
a ten-year-old Russian boy.



That's right, Greg, and
we invite you to join us

as we turn the
camera on ourselves

in a four-part series
we're calling...

NARRATOR (reading):

People often ask us,
"How happy are you

that you were able to adopt
your gorgeous daughter?"

And the answer is, happy...

ish?

Plus we realized
we still needed something

to fill our empty third bedroom.

NARRATOR:
And that thing was a son.

Follow Greg and Terry's journey

as they open their hearts to...

Oh, Greg, look!

That's the public toilet
where we fell in love!

(door shuts)

Look at this.

Greg and Terry are adopting

a little boy from Russia.

And they invited us
to the shower!

Pass.
Pass.

Well, too bad.

They're our neighbors
and our friends.

And we're all going.

(sighs) Fine, I'll go.

But only because I like playing

with that awesome
baton collection

they keep under their bed.

Stan...

just wash your hands after.

Yes! We wore out the chair!

Bring on the La-Z-Boy!

Looks like it's time for
a little spring cleaning.

(laughing)

Okay, Stan, it
wasn't that funny.

Stop it, Stan.

Stan, stop it!

You're scaring me!

Francine, get in here!

It's happening again!

(laughing)

(indistinct chatter)

Thanks for picking up
the shower gift, Roger.

No problem.

I just Googled
"Russian Boy Toys."

Then I grabbed a nap,
hopped in the shower,

and went to Toys "R" Us.

(doorbell rings)

It's so cool that Greg and Terry

are adopting another child.

Although it is a shame they
couldn't conceive naturally.

Lord knows how much
I hear them trying.

(music playing, people conversing)
Welcome, Smiths.

Come in.

(Roger gasps)

Where am I?

This music.

The mind-blowing furniture.

The spectacular people
who look like

they all must have passports.

Bonsoir, mes amis.

Champagne?

Check it out--
two chicks dancing.

ROGER:
They're making a statement.

I don't understand it,
but I want to so bad!

O-M-triple-G!

Is that Liev Schreiber?!

Yeah, the Tesla's completely
reversed my carbon footprint.

Every time I start the car,
I'm giving back to the Earth.

That's both
environmentally friendly

and you're Liev Schreiber!

It's incredible!

As is that scarf.

But tell me, Liev Schreiber,

why are you
still wearing it inside?

It's just part of my outfit.

This is good.

(insects chirring)

(tapping glass)

We want thank you all
so much for coming.

And even though Michael doesn't
arrive until tomorrow,

we know he'd want us
to experience

the joy of opening
his gifts for him.

A Waterford Crystal teddy bear!

ALL: Aw!

You guys, an authentic
17th century chaise longue?

Ah, our new son will go
perfectly with this.

Fabulous, fabulous.
Wonderful.

(indistinct chatter)

Okay, what fabulous gift
should we open next?

Stan's Uncle Roger!

You're going the wrong way.

Get over here with that gift!

A-Actually, I might've
mis-shopped, heh.

Clown wrapping paper?

How kitsch!

Oh, oh, you love the paper?

That-that's the gift!

Response achieved!

It's some sort of tote bag
with what appears to be a...

man-spider?

You don't know
Spider-Man?

He sticks to walls like this.

This cheese is too hot.

It's not sticking.

I've never been so humiliated!

Roger, the Spider-Man
backpack was a fine gift.

No, it wasn't!

Greg and Terry have culture.

Something which is severely
lacking in this household.

That's not true.

Ugh, Francine, the food
at that party was gross.

Please tell me
we got pizza poppers.

Pizza poppers?!

♪ Puh-puh-puh-pizza popper ♪

♪ Pizza popper ♪

♪ Pizza popper dance! ♪

Make mine puh-puh-pepperoni!

Make mine puh-puh-puh-pineapple!

Greg and Terry's daughter
speaks French and only French!

Roger, you're overreacting.

Okay, we're plenty
sophisticated here.

(doorbell rings)

Someone order a La-Z-Boy?

A La-Z-Boy-- perfect!

That only proves my point!

Hey, yesterday, you were as
excited about it as I was!

That was when
I thought a recliner

was the height of aspiration.

It's all so clear to me now.

I'm Frasier and
you're Frasier's dad.

That's not true.

(barks)

That was weird, but well timed.

Anyway, this is not
my fault, it's yours!

If I hadn't wasted
all these years

with you ill-mannered
monsters,

I would've known
better than to give

a Spider-Man
backpack as a gift!

You guys have dragged
me down to your level!

(door slams)

(door slams twice)

I broke the door!

(door slams) Fixed it!

Wow, he's really upset.

Francine, I'm sure he...

Ah!

Stan, are you all right?

Stan?

Stan, can you hear me?!

Daddy?!

The chair has him now.

Stan, wake up.

You've been down here all night.

Oh, Fran-Fran.

Hi, baby.

How are you?

Oh, you're so pretty.

Look how relaxed my muscles are.

GREG (on TV): Well, the big
moment is finally here.

We're about to meet our new son.
It's really happening.

Michael. Michael, it's us.
Your new parents.

Oh, my God, he's perfect!

Paposhkas.

Roger is their adopted baby?

But that can't be.

I just saw Roger
sleeping in the attic.

He was two pillows
and a soccer ball.

Oh, wait a minute.

Welcome to your
new room, Michael.

(Russian accent): So,
what is system in America?

Do I put sock on door
handle if I am being raped?

(clears throat)

Guys, can you give us a second?

Michael,
we're happy you're here,

but you're gonna
have to lose the nasty accent.

It's nasty, nasty.

(speaks normally): Sure,
no problem, how's this?

I told you he'd be a genius.

The trick to parenting
is patience.

Now, what sophisticated
stuff are we gonna do first?

Michael,
this is your Life Binder.

Your new daddies
have already planned out

your entire future
with color-coded tabs.

I'll treasure this for the rest
of my color-coded life.

Okay, now, to bed with you.

This antique chaise
longue is my bed?

Yes, and this is
400-year-old wood,

so you have to
sleep very carefully.

Yeah, try not to put
all your weight on it.

(wood creaks)

Snuggly.

Sweet dreams, angel.

(light knocking on glass)

Roger, you have to
come home right now.

Get lost, this is my home now.

Yeah? Well, what
are you gonna do

when the actual
Russian kid shows up?

Oh, I took care of that.

(speaking Russian)

Right here, honey.

(screams)

They have big plans for me.

By February, I'll have mastered
conversational Japanese.

And I think I saw something
in here about Dartmouth.

Yup, I'm going to Dartmouth.

♪ Dartmouth fight song ♪

♪ Dartmouth fight song. ♪

Those words
probably aren't right,

but I got a fifty-fifty shot
the tune's dead-on.

Ugh, quit pretending
you're something you're not.

I know exactly who I am.

I wasted years
in that double-wide trailer

you call a house.

You've given me nothing
and I deserve everything.

I've given you nothing?

You... betrayer.

Roger, you are
coming home with me

if I have to drag you out.

Oh, really? 'Cause from here,

you're a grown man standing
in a ten-year-old's bedroom

after bedtime. Paposhkas!

Stan?

Oh, hi, I'm, uh...

selling magazine subscriptions
and we're offering

a two-year deal
on House Beautiful.

(gasps) This is
a Dwell household.

Get out of here.

Fine, I'm leaving.

(Russian accent): Bad man
remind me of caretaker

at orphanage
who touch us with rake.

Oh, Michael...

accent.

Okay, children.
Quick, organic breakfast,

and then you, mademoiselle,
are going downtown

to get your very own
Lena Dunham upper arm tattoo.

I like Lena Dunham.
It's nice to see

someone with my exact
body type succeed.

Terry, hon, you want to
make us something easy?

Say, frittatas?

Coming right up.

Violent.

Those eggs are
not cage-free.

The store was out,
I-I didn't think it mattered.

Of course it matters.

I'm very particular
about what I put in my body.

Yeah, unless you're on
a booze cruise in Mazatlán.

Might I remind you
that you selected him.

I'm going out to get more eggs.

The kind of eggs
I thought we'd agreed to eat

for the rest of our lives.

(door slams shut)

Secret junk food time.

Quick, eat up.

He'll be back in 15 minutes.

Wha... What
are you doing?

Taking a little break

from Greg's impossibly
high expectations.

Wait a minute, I
thought you were Greg.

No, I'm Terry.

Anyway, everything has
to be so perfect with him.

But, you know,
sometimes you just want a Ho Ho.

Eat up!

Oh, my God!

Papa, you're not sophisticated!

You're a brute!
I mean, Ho Hos are...

Our little secret?

You're really bad at eating.

(bird chirping)

Dad, why are we
putting all this stuff

from the garage out on the lawn?

Roger said we have no class?

Well, the crappier our house,

the more Roger
and his new highbrow family

will hate living across from us.

Uh, how much for
this old fridge?

Oh, this isn't a yard sale,
it's yard clutter.

But feel free to stick around,

smoke, maybe defecate by a bush.

Ah, I should go to work.

(door opens)

Hey, neighbors!

Oh, my God, what is he doing?!

I'll take care of this.

Your chair's in the sightline
of my fabulous life.

Get it inside.

Oh, am I an eyesore
to your perfect little world?

At least I'm not an ear-sore.

Or maybe I am.

(plays "Life Is a Highway")

You're a classless lout!

What's that?
You want it loud?

(volume increases)

Yeah!

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I wanna ride it ♪

♪ All night long, oh! ♪

Uh!

I have permission!

(sighs)

What's wrong?

Has the fish turned?

No, the food is resplendent,
but I can't eat.

I just keep seeing Stan
in that terrible chair.

Uh! I know, that
La-Z-Boy. Yuck.

You know what we should do,
just to teach him a lesson?

We should get one
of those chairs.

What?!
You're kidding, right?

Well, we'd buy it
ironically, of course.

And since it's my idea,

I'd sit in it most of the time.

You know, mockingly.

No, no, bad idea!
Greg, tell him!

Hmm...
So it's...

satirical home decor
performance art.

I'm starting to see this.

What's happening right now?!

Ooh, and you know what'd
make Stan really mad?

If I fell asleep
in the La-Z-Boy

a few nights a week
watching reruns of Martin.

Oh, he would hate that!

Excuse me a moment.

A La-Z-Boy?

And he convinced Greg
to go along with it?

I didn't throw an orphan
out of an airplane

just to have Terry drag me back

to a life of unsophistication!

I clearly have no choice.

I have to kill Terry.

MAN:
You're gonna kill who?

You heard me?

Now you have to die, too.

What about me?

Okay, how many people
are in this bathroom?

If you're in the bathroom,

please step out
where I can see you.

The Washington Wizards pep team?

You guys all fit in there?

We do everything together.

T-shirt time!

Go, Wizards!
Go, Wizards!

Over here!
Over here!

I'm the loudest! I got the most pep!
Free T-shirt.

Give me your shirt
and I'll let everyone live.

No way, man.
I want this to sleep in.

Well, then everybody's
getting it!

Oh, I only have six bullets.

All right, everybody stay here.

I gotta, I gotta go
get more of something.

(snarling)

(barking)

Stan, work's calling.

Just explain to them
what I'm doing.

Uh... uh...

okay.

(barking continues)

There he is.

Okay, Manslaughter,
it's showtime!

(barking viciously)

(barking continues)

What the hell is he up to?

What are you doing?

That's Terry's brake line!

Wait-- are you trying
to kill Terry?!

Daddies!

He's scaring me again.

With his gruff voice
and farmer hands.

Guys, there's something
you should know!

Michael isn't who
you think he is!

Stan, your insane fixation
on Michael is unsettling.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave our family alone.

But you're in danger!
You've gotta believe me!

(sighs)

Hey, how are the
magazine sales going?

I've only sold
three subscriptions.

You gotta stay upbeat, Stan.

Marcus is two sales away
from the skateboard.

Marcus's dad is a dentist!

He's just restocking
his waiting room!

Okay, we're not gonna let weird,

ol' Stan Smith spoil
our surprise,

are we,
Corbin-Bates family?

Skinny jeans for Michael!

I can't wait to see them on you.

(grunting)

(chuckles)

You don't...
you don't happen to have

any Spanx lying around, do you?

(grunting)

Stop it, Greg!
He's not gonna fit!

They're past my ankles,
keep pulling.

I'll do better!

(grunts) Great.

We were all gonna wear
skinny jeans

and no shirts
for our Christmas photo.

But now it's ruined,
it's all ruined!

It's okay.

Look, we're all way
too stressed out.

Why don't we just take
a relaxing trip

to the lake house?

You have a lake house?

It's gonna be nice
to get out of town

and away from that ape across the street.
I hear ya.

Actually, now that we
have a minute to breathe,

there's something I need
to talk to you about.

I found these used
Ho Ho wrappers

in the outside garbage.

Oh.
That's right.

It seems as though
Michael has brought

a rather trashy element
into our home.

Oh, y-yeah, Michael.

Those Ho Hos definitely
belong to Michael.

The moment we get
to the lake house,

you and I have
to confront him about this.

I will not tolerate the
deterioration of our way of life.

That's a great idea.

Yeah, let's confront Michael
when we get there.

TERRY: If Greg talks to
him, Michael will out me!

I'll lose everything!

I have no choice.

Before they can talk,
I have to kill Michael.

(brakes squeak)

Hey. We still up for this?

Still gonna kill this guy?

Yes! Shut up!
You're gonna blow it!

Oh, it's beautiful here.

Hey, I got an idea.

Maybe Terry and I could go out
on the lake... alone.

Actually, Michael,
there's something

Terry and I wanted
to discuss with you.

No, no, no, that can wait.

A canoe trip, you say?

Just the two of us?
Nobody around?

Sounds perfect.

So what do you say, Little Miss?

Hmm. I'm gonna have to talk
to your French teacher.

(bird twittering)

It's so peaceful
out here on the lake.

I imagine the only place
more peaceful

would be the bottom of it.

You may be more right
than you know.

Oh, I know exactly
how right I am.

Or do you?

This is nice.

It is.

Mind handing me the bug spray?

It's behind you.
Of course.

Thanks.

Aren't you gonna use it?

False alarm.

Oh, you've got a bite
on your line.

Catch anything?

No. Turns out there was no pole,

and I wasn't fishing.

My mistake.

Look behind you, it's
Cloris Leachman on a Jet Ski!

What-what the hell's
going on?

I'm trying to kill you.

Kill me?!
I'm trying to kill you!

(both grunt)

Ho Hos? A La-Z-Boy?!

I thought I was joining a classy
family, Terry, but you're...

nothing better than
unsophisticated trash!

That may be, but you're gonna
take my secret to the grave!

Not if I kill you first.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa,
we're tipping, we're tipping.

Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop.

Okay, you've got
to counterbalance.

Just take your right foot
and let me ease by you.

Okay, I'm gonna step
and step, step...

Okay, there you go.

Okay, enough circling.
It's die time!

(grunts)

I hope they got
the grill started.

(line ringing)
GREG: Hey, babe!

Oh, Greg, it's awful!
He fell overboard!

Michael's dead! He's dead!

Terry, just get a hold
of yourself! It's okay!

He was never gonna
to fit in at Dartmouth.

He didn't fit
in to the skinny jeans.

He didn't... fit in.

(voice breaks): I guess I wasn't
meant to have this kind of life.

♪ ♪

Roger! Roger,
can you hear me?

(blows air)

(squeaks)

Damn it, Roger!

Oh, Stan, you saved me!

Don't flatter yourself.

I came here to save Terry.

Oh, Stan, I'm so sorry
for the way I treated you.

Please...
let me come home.

I don't know.

I thought our family
was beneath you.

Of course you are.
But don't you see?

You guys are my La-Z-Boy.

Ugly but comfortable.

And I wouldn't have it
any other way.

Well, neither would I.

Come on, Roger.
Let's head home.

Sounds good.

But first we gotta make
a quick stop...

for pizza poppers.

Make mine puh-puh-pepperoni!

Make mine puh-puh-puh-Vicodin!

It is with heavy hearts
that we inform our viewers

that our adopted
Russian son, Michael,

tragically drowned
in a mountain lake.

We ask that in lieu of flowers,

you send us
Crate & Barrel gift cards.

(indistinct whispering)

Restoration Hardware gift cards.

Weird. So Terry thinks
he killed you

and it doesn't faze him at all?

That's just the end of it?

I wouldn't say that.

(screams)

Well done.

Being wet and bloated
was a nice touch.

Bloated?

Come on! Don't be that way!
Come back!

(gasping)
Wh-what are you doing?!

Tying up loose ends.