American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 21 - Roger Passes the Bar - full transcript
A sexy new next-door neighbor promises to take Steve and his friends' virginity in return for housework.
(upbeat march plays)
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
(alarm clock playing music)
(yawns)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hey, Mick!
You damn drunk, wake up.
Wha...?
Morning.
It's 6:00 a.m.,
and I can legally sell
you alcohol again.
You'll always have a
place to drink here,
you degenerate scumbag.
I'm with Beezus
on this one, guys.
Ramona went into her room.
No permission!
The sign said,
"Do Not Enter."
Do not enter...
the kingdom of heaven!
Beezus is a Christ figure!
Her name rhymes with Jesus.
It's right there!
(doorbell rings)
Oh, hi.
Girl shoulders!
I'm Charlotte.
I-I just
moved here.
This is a bit embarrassing...
but I'm required
to go door-to-door
to notify all my new neighbors
that I'm a registered...
(quietly):
sex offender.
Where are you registered,
and what have you
still not received?
Wait. A-Are you saying
you did stuff...
with boys?
Yeah.
Like, an insane amount of stuff.
I just want to say I
won't be any trouble.
I mostly just stay home
and watch the Spice Channel
and Cartoon Network,
so if you guys ever
want to come...
No. No,
Charlotte!
Bad Charlotte!
I'm sorry.
I-I should go.
Oh, my God, do you
know what this means?
We're gonna get laid!
And the Spice Channel
is still profitable!
♪ ♪
We got a... we got
a big problem here, Roger.
Well, your problem keeps
my lights on, Mick.
Oh, crap. Betsy!
Keg change!
Where is that damn girl?
Bets!
Hey, uh, can I use
your bathroom?
It's for customers only.
Well, no, right,
I'm totally gonna get some food.
I just got to think
about my order in the bathroom.
I said it's for customers only!
(glass shatters)
(groans) Now what?
Just a sec on that refill.
Hey, Roger, I'm going to
yoga. You want to come?
They might play
your favorite song.
(humming):
Om... om... om...
Sorry, Francine, I'm working.
But I thought you had today off.
There are no days off when
you're running a dive bar.
Roger, you can't keep
going at this pace.
You're on your feet all day.
You've probably got
varicose veins.
My veins are fine.
I hope you don't
mind me interrupting,
but there is an alternative
to all this hard work.
If this a pyramid scheme,
don't say another word,
because I am in.
No. It's just that
for a third-floor bar
only accessible after passing
through a residential home,
you do a pretty brisk business.
And if you're willing to sell,
my company
would be very interested.
(chuckles) Sell?
Sorry, what'd you say
your name was?
Toby.
Of course it is.
Look, Toby, there's only
two things for sale here:
a sense of community
and the credit card information
of people who pass out.
Hey, I see you with that TP!
I'll cut off your hands,
you thief!
Roger, try to take it easy.
I'd love to chat, Franny,
but I'm swamped
and I got to find Betsy.
I think she's
dipping in the till.
I ain't till-dippin'!
It was Clarence the Goat.
(bleats)
He says he paid for that salad.
So, once again,
it's my word against his!
Okay, fellas,
this is Charlotte's place.
Barry, toss this Frisbee
into her backyard,
so we'll have an excuse
to knock on her door.
Sports!
Okay.
Oh. Hello.
Oh, Charlotte!
What a surprise.
We were just playing catch,
and my friend here
accidentally threw
your neighbor's New York Times
into your yard.
I'm sorry for the mess.
I still haven't
found a gardener.
Do you boys know anyone
willing to pick up a hoe
and just go to town?
(quietly):
Charlotte, careful.
Well, maybe we
can be of service.
Okay. But it's just work,
nothing else.
Just you and your smooth,
hungry hands
rooting around in my backyard!
(gasps)
ROGER: I see you.
I'm coming with those pretzels.
(groans) Hole's jammed again.
(sighs) Tuna Can Jerry?
Yeah, Tuna Can Jerry.
All right, let me get my tools.
And I just need
you to sign here.
Whoa. Ted, these prices are
double what they were last week.
I see you back there!
Wait, this isn't
even what I ordered.
Yeah, well, all I got is
this artisanal microbrew
from the Finger Lakes.
Apricot wheat?!
MAN: Tuna Can Jerry's late
for his rehearsal dinner!
MAN 2: Hey! How about
them pretzels!
STAN:
Never gonna catch me!
Apricot wheat?!
(grunts) My heart!
Oh, my God!
Roger, are you okay?
(strained):
Keep an eye on Betsy.
She's definitely
stealing from the till.
No, I ain't.
I'm tired of you accusing
my wife of stealing!
Meet me in the parking lot
in five minutes!
Stop watching me
switch characters,
and call an ambulance!
(monitor beeping steadily)
(groans)
Roger, you're awake.
Mr. Smith, please,
stay in bed.
But I need
to get back to the bar!
You need to rest.
That bar gave you
a heart attack.
And if you keep up this pace,
the next one'll be your last.
(crying)
Don't leave us, Nana.
ROGER: Do you mind
keeping it down?
Ugh! Francine,
just close the curtain.
I can tell by looking at them
that they're the type to nod
like they understand,
and then go right...
back... to talking.
Roger, I brought
someone to see you.
Toby?
I'm not selling the bar!
You better...
(choking, grunting)
(wheezes, spits)
Aah! This is oxygen,
not nitrous!
You see that oxygen spit take?
First one to do it.
At death's door,
still a trailblazer.
Roger, it's time.
Sell the bar.
You have so much more life
to look forward to.
You'll carry on
my vision, right?
The seatless toilet bowls?
The condom machine
that eats quarters?
The homemade liquor license?
That dripping sound?
Roger, your vision
is what I'm buying.
(Schubert's "Ave Maria" playing)
I guess this is it.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(monitor flatlines,
girl sobbing)
If you don't get that
dead lady out of my room,
you are gonna have what I would
refer to as a "Yelp Disaster."
(alarm clock playing music)
(yawns)
(chuckles): Whoa, Roger,
you made breakfast?
Sit, sit.
I made eggs,
coffee and breakfast
pork chops for you, Stan.
He did. I saw it.
(chuckles):
I see everything.
(deep, ominous):
Everything.
Roger, your heart.
You should be taking it slow.
Nonsense. Just because
I no longer own my bar
doesn't mean I can't serve.
So, Roger, any plans
now that you're retired?
Well, I've got a list
of everything I'd like to do
from now until I die
neatly filed in a bucket.
Still working on a name
for this bucket index.
"Basket index"
is the working title.
Mmm! Oh, whoa,
everything's delicious!
Thanks.
Okay, off to work.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, thanks
for breakfast, Roger.
I got to get the kids to school.
Klaus, why don't you come along?
I'm in the mood for one of
your classic anecdotes.
Oh, did I ever tell you
about the time
I bounced a check
for my girlfriend's abortion?
They had to put
the baby back in.
And that baby...
was Shia LaBeouf.
I said I wanted to
hear it in the car.
New life, here we go.
Okay, first thing: meditation.
Just got to close my eyes,
clear my head,
and find my quiet place.
(screeching)
I'll come back to that one.
Great call on
these Speedos, Snot.
The mere sight of us must be
driving Charlotte crazy.
What do we do?!
What pool boys do best.
♪ ♪
Wow! The pool
looks great!
I really owe you guys.
I'm gonna owe you so hard.
Well, when you boys are done
out here, why don't you, um...
meet me upstairs.
Gentlemen, we are in.
All right!
The Speedos worked!
But you got to give them back
so I can return them
to my bisexual uncle's loft
before he gets home
from his vacation in Croatia.
Yup, he's pretty worldly.
(cheering, applause in distance)
Sounds like they're having fun.
I guess there's no reason
why I can't go up there.
♪ ♪
What the hell did they do?!
Hi. We've got a bit of a wait,
but feel free
to look at some of
the crazy stuff on our walls.
Ski poles from around the world?
Even I'm getting hungry!
(pager vibrates)
Hey, look who it is!
What have you done to my bar?!
Everything's different.
Well, not everything.
We kept the spirit
of a dive bar,
but got rid of the smell
and the hopelessness
and the guy showing his
joint to all the waitresses.
But that was Mick,
my most loyal barfly!
What are you doing here anyway?
If I were you, I'd be
out there living life,
crossing everything
off my bucket list.
My what?
Ha! You're on
fire today!
Here, let me show you
the new game room.
You have a game room?!
(horn honking) What the hell?
My mom's new boyfriend said
I was too annoying
to take to the lake.
To take anywhere, I would say.
Being pushed out
of my own bar is worse
than a thousand heart attacks.
It's also worse
than 10,000 Maniacs.
But just barely.
I think that's an old reference.
Roger, if selling your bar
is bothering you this much,
maybe you should
try to buy it back.
Oh, my God, I totally should.
I'll buy the bar and put it back
the way it's supposed to be!
It's the third house
on the left.
This is your house?
Roger, I don't think
we should leave him here.
He'll be fine.
There's police everywhere.
Plus, he's got a snorkel.
Drive. Drive!
The door will shut on its own.
It's not closing.
I don't know. Maybe you got
to turn or something.
Well, don't slow down.
Forget it, forget it,
just drive.
It's not hurting anybody.
Mick, what are you
doing out here?
They won't let me
in the bar, Rog!
Well, this changes now.
You will be served again.
Thank you, Roger.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Of course.
Thank you so much.
I said, you're welcome.
Seriously, thank you.
Okay, Mick, I'm gonna go take care of this.
I can't thank you enough.
Can't fix it until you let go, Mick.
For real, muchas gracias.
I mean it. Look at me.
While I'm still here,
I'm not inside fixing it.
From the bottom of my heart.
Please let go, Mick.
Toby! You've
destroyed my vision!
I'm here to buy you out
and put everything back
to the way it was!
Oh. Shoot, that's too bad,
because we're expanding
Roger's Spot nationwide,
and we wanted your beautiful mug
to be the face of the company.
Right, that's what we're doing.
Why? What did I say?
Thank you, Toby.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Of course.
Thank you so much.
Said, you're welcome.
Seriously, thank you.
Okay, Roger, no problem.
I can't thank you enough.
You got to let go of my hand.
I got a business to run.
For real, muchas gracias.
Again, thank you from
the bottom of my heart.
Roger, Roger, Roger, I can't
expand it until you let go!
What do you guys want
for dinner tonight? Pizza?
BOTH:
Boring.
I want to go somewhere
cool but sad.
Yeah, like a dive bar.
Oh, Mommy, can we?
Well, it sounds like
this family could use a
little walk on the wild side.
ROGER: Then come on down
to Roger's Spot!
America's only family-friendly
dive bar experience!
Pretend you're a barfly
by resting your weary rump
on Old Mick's stool.
That's apple juice.
Or is it?
It is. I have to say that.
And there's never a dull moment
with bar fights
every hour on the hour.
You showered with my wife!
(cheering, applause)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Roger's Spot.
I'm Roger,
and I'm famous for saying,
(Australian accent):
"Dive on in!"
(door opens, closes)
Hey, look at you
sitting there on the couch,
looking all fetching.
Makes me want to dive on in!
Roger, you're home now.
You don't have to say,
"Dive on in."
Sorry. After 300
ribbon cuttings,
it's a little hard to turn off.
Dive on in.
Roger, it was one thing
when you were working yourself
to death for the bar you loved.
But now you're just
wearing yourself out
promoting something
that you don't even believe in.
Francine, relax, have a drink.
Dive on in.
(sighs) Roger...
Francine, if I was
doing the wrong thing,
would they have invited me
to be the keynote speaker
at this year's Emerging
Titans of Industry
Corporate SynergyFest?
I-I don't know
what that is.
And why would you?
(horn honks outside)
That's my limo now.
Different from the one
that dropped me off.
Nicer, more promiscuous driver.
Oh, and Francine?
Don't say it.
Dive on in.
(electric tools whirring)
I've applied a
bed of thin-set,
so I'm gonna go ahead and lay
quarter-inch backer boards.
Great. I'll get going
on the grout work.
Nice, Barry.
Charlotte's gonna love
that clean cutting.
Thanks, boss.
Hey, Tosh, county still dragging
their feet on the permits?
Offering to remodel
Charlotte's bedroom
is a real stroke of genius.
She's gonna want us so bad.
Wow, this room
looks really great!
(gasps)
Oh. When you're done,
come find me so I can...
(singsongy):
show you my appreciation.
Told you this would work.
Now, let's talk batting order.
I call last!
(cheering, applause)
Hey, Roger!
Nobody touches Mr. Smith.
Oh, no, no.
No, it's okay.
Mick is a friend
from before the money.
How you doing, Mick?
You come to see me speak?
No, I... I'm here
for my AA meeting.
Sober? That can't be.
Mick, that's not who you are.
You're a barfly!
Well, the good news is,
the state's gonna
let me see my daughter
for the first time
in seven years.
How is that good news?
It's go time, Roger.
And now, let's welcome
to the stage the founder
and a partial profit participant
of Roger's Spot, Roger Smith!
(applause)
Thanks, Linda.
I'm Jeff.
And I said thanks.
Okay, people,
are you ready to...
(Australian accent):
dive... on... in?
(cheering, applause)
MAN:
I love your sliders!
I can tell.
(clears throat)
Betty Crocker, Famous Amos,
John DeLorean.
What do they have in common?
They're all entrepreneurs
whose stories
I haven't fully researched.
You know, Roger's Spot
wasn't always one of America's
highest revenue-generating,
casual-dining experiences.
It actually started out
as the kind of place
where you could trade your
child-support check for booze.
Hey, Mick's here!
Mick, stand up.
Mick was there
at the beginning of the dream.
You may know him from the stool
at all of our locations.
But you probably don't,
because in all 480 locations,
it's just a stool.
Corporate banned Mick.
(crowd gasps, murmurs)
That's right.
You lost your home
when we became Roger's Spot,
didn't you, Mick?
Yeah, but it's all for the best.
Shut up, Mick.
That's just the clarity talking.
You were
passionate about drinking,
just like I was passionate
about running my bar.
MAN:
Do "Dive on in"!
No. No, I won't do,
"Dive on in"!
(quietly):
Dive on in.
Because that was never
my catchphrase.
My actual catchphrase
at the time was,
"Let's get rowdy rowdy!"
It was incredibly unpopular,
but I said it anyway,
because a bunch of drunks
aren't gonna tell me
what I can say in my own place!
(scattered applause in distance)
Yeah, the people
in the Jasmine Ballroom get it.
I guess what I'm saying is,
we all need to stop going
to Roger's Spot.
Who's with me?!
Also, all the meat is kangaroo.
That's actually
a pretty lean protein!
Fine, you want the real dirt?
Our mozzarella sticks are just
fried string cheese!
WOMAN: That's what
they are everywhere.
Yeah, but isn't that
a little disappointing?
He's right!
(chanting):
Boycott Roger's Spot!
Boycott Roger's Spot!
ALL (chanting):
Boycott Roger's Spot!
Boycott Roger's Spot!
(sighs)
I am ruined.
And I (bleep)
in a barrel of salsa.
No one knows which one--
could be any location.
Okay, boys, our sweet reward is
on the other side of that door.
Hi. Can I help you?
Um... w-we're looking
for Charlotte?
Oh, the woman who sold us this
beautifully-remodeled house?
What?
If you hurry, you can still catch her.
Oh, hey, boys.
Thanks to all your hard work,
I just flipped this house
for a tasty profit.
You flip houses?
Uh-huh. And I've found
that horn-dog teenagers
tend to work the, uh... hardest.
Stop doing that!
We thought you were
gonna turn us into men.
I did. Now you know
how to install drywall,
wire an addition,
and you've established
lasting relationships
with the County Permit Board.
Take care... men.
STEVE: We learned a lot
from Charlotte that summer
about what it meant to be a man.
And we carried that with us
the rest of our lives.
Snot joined the Army,
ended up marrying
his commanding officer,
Lieutenant Randall Santana.
Barry became the poet
in residence at Ithaca College
and started dating
his male students.
Toshi settled
in the garden city of Kyoto
where he works
as a male prostitute.
As for me?
Super gay, also.
(crickets chirping)
It's good to see you
back behind the bar, Roger.
Thanks, Franny, but you
were right about one thing.
It wouldn't hurt
to slow down a bit
and enjoy the little
moments in my life.
Ow! Damn it!
Really enjoyed that.
Good night, Rog.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
(alarm clock playing music)
(yawns)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hey, Mick!
You damn drunk, wake up.
Wha...?
Morning.
It's 6:00 a.m.,
and I can legally sell
you alcohol again.
You'll always have a
place to drink here,
you degenerate scumbag.
I'm with Beezus
on this one, guys.
Ramona went into her room.
No permission!
The sign said,
"Do Not Enter."
Do not enter...
the kingdom of heaven!
Beezus is a Christ figure!
Her name rhymes with Jesus.
It's right there!
(doorbell rings)
Oh, hi.
Girl shoulders!
I'm Charlotte.
I-I just
moved here.
This is a bit embarrassing...
but I'm required
to go door-to-door
to notify all my new neighbors
that I'm a registered...
(quietly):
sex offender.
Where are you registered,
and what have you
still not received?
Wait. A-Are you saying
you did stuff...
with boys?
Yeah.
Like, an insane amount of stuff.
I just want to say I
won't be any trouble.
I mostly just stay home
and watch the Spice Channel
and Cartoon Network,
so if you guys ever
want to come...
No. No,
Charlotte!
Bad Charlotte!
I'm sorry.
I-I should go.
Oh, my God, do you
know what this means?
We're gonna get laid!
And the Spice Channel
is still profitable!
♪ ♪
We got a... we got
a big problem here, Roger.
Well, your problem keeps
my lights on, Mick.
Oh, crap. Betsy!
Keg change!
Where is that damn girl?
Bets!
Hey, uh, can I use
your bathroom?
It's for customers only.
Well, no, right,
I'm totally gonna get some food.
I just got to think
about my order in the bathroom.
I said it's for customers only!
(glass shatters)
(groans) Now what?
Just a sec on that refill.
Hey, Roger, I'm going to
yoga. You want to come?
They might play
your favorite song.
(humming):
Om... om... om...
Sorry, Francine, I'm working.
But I thought you had today off.
There are no days off when
you're running a dive bar.
Roger, you can't keep
going at this pace.
You're on your feet all day.
You've probably got
varicose veins.
My veins are fine.
I hope you don't
mind me interrupting,
but there is an alternative
to all this hard work.
If this a pyramid scheme,
don't say another word,
because I am in.
No. It's just that
for a third-floor bar
only accessible after passing
through a residential home,
you do a pretty brisk business.
And if you're willing to sell,
my company
would be very interested.
(chuckles) Sell?
Sorry, what'd you say
your name was?
Toby.
Of course it is.
Look, Toby, there's only
two things for sale here:
a sense of community
and the credit card information
of people who pass out.
Hey, I see you with that TP!
I'll cut off your hands,
you thief!
Roger, try to take it easy.
I'd love to chat, Franny,
but I'm swamped
and I got to find Betsy.
I think she's
dipping in the till.
I ain't till-dippin'!
It was Clarence the Goat.
(bleats)
He says he paid for that salad.
So, once again,
it's my word against his!
Okay, fellas,
this is Charlotte's place.
Barry, toss this Frisbee
into her backyard,
so we'll have an excuse
to knock on her door.
Sports!
Okay.
Oh. Hello.
Oh, Charlotte!
What a surprise.
We were just playing catch,
and my friend here
accidentally threw
your neighbor's New York Times
into your yard.
I'm sorry for the mess.
I still haven't
found a gardener.
Do you boys know anyone
willing to pick up a hoe
and just go to town?
(quietly):
Charlotte, careful.
Well, maybe we
can be of service.
Okay. But it's just work,
nothing else.
Just you and your smooth,
hungry hands
rooting around in my backyard!
(gasps)
ROGER: I see you.
I'm coming with those pretzels.
(groans) Hole's jammed again.
(sighs) Tuna Can Jerry?
Yeah, Tuna Can Jerry.
All right, let me get my tools.
And I just need
you to sign here.
Whoa. Ted, these prices are
double what they were last week.
I see you back there!
Wait, this isn't
even what I ordered.
Yeah, well, all I got is
this artisanal microbrew
from the Finger Lakes.
Apricot wheat?!
MAN: Tuna Can Jerry's late
for his rehearsal dinner!
MAN 2: Hey! How about
them pretzels!
STAN:
Never gonna catch me!
Apricot wheat?!
(grunts) My heart!
Oh, my God!
Roger, are you okay?
(strained):
Keep an eye on Betsy.
She's definitely
stealing from the till.
No, I ain't.
I'm tired of you accusing
my wife of stealing!
Meet me in the parking lot
in five minutes!
Stop watching me
switch characters,
and call an ambulance!
(monitor beeping steadily)
(groans)
Roger, you're awake.
Mr. Smith, please,
stay in bed.
But I need
to get back to the bar!
You need to rest.
That bar gave you
a heart attack.
And if you keep up this pace,
the next one'll be your last.
(crying)
Don't leave us, Nana.
ROGER: Do you mind
keeping it down?
Ugh! Francine,
just close the curtain.
I can tell by looking at them
that they're the type to nod
like they understand,
and then go right...
back... to talking.
Roger, I brought
someone to see you.
Toby?
I'm not selling the bar!
You better...
(choking, grunting)
(wheezes, spits)
Aah! This is oxygen,
not nitrous!
You see that oxygen spit take?
First one to do it.
At death's door,
still a trailblazer.
Roger, it's time.
Sell the bar.
You have so much more life
to look forward to.
You'll carry on
my vision, right?
The seatless toilet bowls?
The condom machine
that eats quarters?
The homemade liquor license?
That dripping sound?
Roger, your vision
is what I'm buying.
(Schubert's "Ave Maria" playing)
I guess this is it.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(monitor flatlines,
girl sobbing)
If you don't get that
dead lady out of my room,
you are gonna have what I would
refer to as a "Yelp Disaster."
(alarm clock playing music)
(yawns)
(chuckles): Whoa, Roger,
you made breakfast?
Sit, sit.
I made eggs,
coffee and breakfast
pork chops for you, Stan.
He did. I saw it.
(chuckles):
I see everything.
(deep, ominous):
Everything.
Roger, your heart.
You should be taking it slow.
Nonsense. Just because
I no longer own my bar
doesn't mean I can't serve.
So, Roger, any plans
now that you're retired?
Well, I've got a list
of everything I'd like to do
from now until I die
neatly filed in a bucket.
Still working on a name
for this bucket index.
"Basket index"
is the working title.
Mmm! Oh, whoa,
everything's delicious!
Thanks.
Okay, off to work.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, thanks
for breakfast, Roger.
I got to get the kids to school.
Klaus, why don't you come along?
I'm in the mood for one of
your classic anecdotes.
Oh, did I ever tell you
about the time
I bounced a check
for my girlfriend's abortion?
They had to put
the baby back in.
And that baby...
was Shia LaBeouf.
I said I wanted to
hear it in the car.
New life, here we go.
Okay, first thing: meditation.
Just got to close my eyes,
clear my head,
and find my quiet place.
(screeching)
I'll come back to that one.
Great call on
these Speedos, Snot.
The mere sight of us must be
driving Charlotte crazy.
What do we do?!
What pool boys do best.
♪ ♪
Wow! The pool
looks great!
I really owe you guys.
I'm gonna owe you so hard.
Well, when you boys are done
out here, why don't you, um...
meet me upstairs.
Gentlemen, we are in.
All right!
The Speedos worked!
But you got to give them back
so I can return them
to my bisexual uncle's loft
before he gets home
from his vacation in Croatia.
Yup, he's pretty worldly.
(cheering, applause in distance)
Sounds like they're having fun.
I guess there's no reason
why I can't go up there.
♪ ♪
What the hell did they do?!
Hi. We've got a bit of a wait,
but feel free
to look at some of
the crazy stuff on our walls.
Ski poles from around the world?
Even I'm getting hungry!
(pager vibrates)
Hey, look who it is!
What have you done to my bar?!
Everything's different.
Well, not everything.
We kept the spirit
of a dive bar,
but got rid of the smell
and the hopelessness
and the guy showing his
joint to all the waitresses.
But that was Mick,
my most loyal barfly!
What are you doing here anyway?
If I were you, I'd be
out there living life,
crossing everything
off my bucket list.
My what?
Ha! You're on
fire today!
Here, let me show you
the new game room.
You have a game room?!
(horn honking) What the hell?
My mom's new boyfriend said
I was too annoying
to take to the lake.
To take anywhere, I would say.
Being pushed out
of my own bar is worse
than a thousand heart attacks.
It's also worse
than 10,000 Maniacs.
But just barely.
I think that's an old reference.
Roger, if selling your bar
is bothering you this much,
maybe you should
try to buy it back.
Oh, my God, I totally should.
I'll buy the bar and put it back
the way it's supposed to be!
It's the third house
on the left.
This is your house?
Roger, I don't think
we should leave him here.
He'll be fine.
There's police everywhere.
Plus, he's got a snorkel.
Drive. Drive!
The door will shut on its own.
It's not closing.
I don't know. Maybe you got
to turn or something.
Well, don't slow down.
Forget it, forget it,
just drive.
It's not hurting anybody.
Mick, what are you
doing out here?
They won't let me
in the bar, Rog!
Well, this changes now.
You will be served again.
Thank you, Roger.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
Of course.
Thank you so much.
I said, you're welcome.
Seriously, thank you.
Okay, Mick, I'm gonna go take care of this.
I can't thank you enough.
Can't fix it until you let go, Mick.
For real, muchas gracias.
I mean it. Look at me.
While I'm still here,
I'm not inside fixing it.
From the bottom of my heart.
Please let go, Mick.
Toby! You've
destroyed my vision!
I'm here to buy you out
and put everything back
to the way it was!
Oh. Shoot, that's too bad,
because we're expanding
Roger's Spot nationwide,
and we wanted your beautiful mug
to be the face of the company.
Right, that's what we're doing.
Why? What did I say?
Thank you, Toby.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Of course.
Thank you so much.
Said, you're welcome.
Seriously, thank you.
Okay, Roger, no problem.
I can't thank you enough.
You got to let go of my hand.
I got a business to run.
For real, muchas gracias.
Again, thank you from
the bottom of my heart.
Roger, Roger, Roger, I can't
expand it until you let go!
What do you guys want
for dinner tonight? Pizza?
BOTH:
Boring.
I want to go somewhere
cool but sad.
Yeah, like a dive bar.
Oh, Mommy, can we?
Well, it sounds like
this family could use a
little walk on the wild side.
ROGER: Then come on down
to Roger's Spot!
America's only family-friendly
dive bar experience!
Pretend you're a barfly
by resting your weary rump
on Old Mick's stool.
That's apple juice.
Or is it?
It is. I have to say that.
And there's never a dull moment
with bar fights
every hour on the hour.
You showered with my wife!
(cheering, applause)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Roger's Spot.
I'm Roger,
and I'm famous for saying,
(Australian accent):
"Dive on in!"
(door opens, closes)
Hey, look at you
sitting there on the couch,
looking all fetching.
Makes me want to dive on in!
Roger, you're home now.
You don't have to say,
"Dive on in."
Sorry. After 300
ribbon cuttings,
it's a little hard to turn off.
Dive on in.
Roger, it was one thing
when you were working yourself
to death for the bar you loved.
But now you're just
wearing yourself out
promoting something
that you don't even believe in.
Francine, relax, have a drink.
Dive on in.
(sighs) Roger...
Francine, if I was
doing the wrong thing,
would they have invited me
to be the keynote speaker
at this year's Emerging
Titans of Industry
Corporate SynergyFest?
I-I don't know
what that is.
And why would you?
(horn honks outside)
That's my limo now.
Different from the one
that dropped me off.
Nicer, more promiscuous driver.
Oh, and Francine?
Don't say it.
Dive on in.
(electric tools whirring)
I've applied a
bed of thin-set,
so I'm gonna go ahead and lay
quarter-inch backer boards.
Great. I'll get going
on the grout work.
Nice, Barry.
Charlotte's gonna love
that clean cutting.
Thanks, boss.
Hey, Tosh, county still dragging
their feet on the permits?
Offering to remodel
Charlotte's bedroom
is a real stroke of genius.
She's gonna want us so bad.
Wow, this room
looks really great!
(gasps)
Oh. When you're done,
come find me so I can...
(singsongy):
show you my appreciation.
Told you this would work.
Now, let's talk batting order.
I call last!
(cheering, applause)
Hey, Roger!
Nobody touches Mr. Smith.
Oh, no, no.
No, it's okay.
Mick is a friend
from before the money.
How you doing, Mick?
You come to see me speak?
No, I... I'm here
for my AA meeting.
Sober? That can't be.
Mick, that's not who you are.
You're a barfly!
Well, the good news is,
the state's gonna
let me see my daughter
for the first time
in seven years.
How is that good news?
It's go time, Roger.
And now, let's welcome
to the stage the founder
and a partial profit participant
of Roger's Spot, Roger Smith!
(applause)
Thanks, Linda.
I'm Jeff.
And I said thanks.
Okay, people,
are you ready to...
(Australian accent):
dive... on... in?
(cheering, applause)
MAN:
I love your sliders!
I can tell.
(clears throat)
Betty Crocker, Famous Amos,
John DeLorean.
What do they have in common?
They're all entrepreneurs
whose stories
I haven't fully researched.
You know, Roger's Spot
wasn't always one of America's
highest revenue-generating,
casual-dining experiences.
It actually started out
as the kind of place
where you could trade your
child-support check for booze.
Hey, Mick's here!
Mick, stand up.
Mick was there
at the beginning of the dream.
You may know him from the stool
at all of our locations.
But you probably don't,
because in all 480 locations,
it's just a stool.
Corporate banned Mick.
(crowd gasps, murmurs)
That's right.
You lost your home
when we became Roger's Spot,
didn't you, Mick?
Yeah, but it's all for the best.
Shut up, Mick.
That's just the clarity talking.
You were
passionate about drinking,
just like I was passionate
about running my bar.
MAN:
Do "Dive on in"!
No. No, I won't do,
"Dive on in"!
(quietly):
Dive on in.
Because that was never
my catchphrase.
My actual catchphrase
at the time was,
"Let's get rowdy rowdy!"
It was incredibly unpopular,
but I said it anyway,
because a bunch of drunks
aren't gonna tell me
what I can say in my own place!
(scattered applause in distance)
Yeah, the people
in the Jasmine Ballroom get it.
I guess what I'm saying is,
we all need to stop going
to Roger's Spot.
Who's with me?!
Also, all the meat is kangaroo.
That's actually
a pretty lean protein!
Fine, you want the real dirt?
Our mozzarella sticks are just
fried string cheese!
WOMAN: That's what
they are everywhere.
Yeah, but isn't that
a little disappointing?
He's right!
(chanting):
Boycott Roger's Spot!
Boycott Roger's Spot!
ALL (chanting):
Boycott Roger's Spot!
Boycott Roger's Spot!
(sighs)
I am ruined.
And I (bleep)
in a barrel of salsa.
No one knows which one--
could be any location.
Okay, boys, our sweet reward is
on the other side of that door.
Hi. Can I help you?
Um... w-we're looking
for Charlotte?
Oh, the woman who sold us this
beautifully-remodeled house?
What?
If you hurry, you can still catch her.
Oh, hey, boys.
Thanks to all your hard work,
I just flipped this house
for a tasty profit.
You flip houses?
Uh-huh. And I've found
that horn-dog teenagers
tend to work the, uh... hardest.
Stop doing that!
We thought you were
gonna turn us into men.
I did. Now you know
how to install drywall,
wire an addition,
and you've established
lasting relationships
with the County Permit Board.
Take care... men.
STEVE: We learned a lot
from Charlotte that summer
about what it meant to be a man.
And we carried that with us
the rest of our lives.
Snot joined the Army,
ended up marrying
his commanding officer,
Lieutenant Randall Santana.
Barry became the poet
in residence at Ithaca College
and started dating
his male students.
Toshi settled
in the garden city of Kyoto
where he works
as a male prostitute.
As for me?
Super gay, also.
(crickets chirping)
It's good to see you
back behind the bar, Roger.
Thanks, Franny, but you
were right about one thing.
It wouldn't hurt
to slow down a bit
and enjoy the little
moments in my life.
Ow! Damn it!
Really enjoyed that.
Good night, Rog.