American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 20 - The Longest Distance Relationship - full transcript

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

Well, thank God that
crazy mix-up is over.

We've got Steve back,

and you've got your
boy-shaped ruby.

Well, I guess this is good-bye,
Smiths.

But, seriously,
if you're ever in Tehran...

stay out of Tehran!

Now that that's all done,
I'll get breakfast started.



I don't know why I even bother
to set a place for Hayley.

She's been so depressed, she
hasn't left her room in weeks.

Guess what happened
one year ago today?

Is that the day I gave myself
one year to find happiness,

or I'd kill us all?

No, that was yesterday.

It was?

Ho-ho-ho, lucky.

You were first!

No! Today's
the one-year anniversary

of when I almost left Earth,
but decided to stay!

You mean,
the one-year anniversary

of you pushing Jeff
into that alien ship

and him being sucked into space.



That's why Hayley's been so sad.

She must be missing Jeff.

Then she should come look at
this, 'cause he's right here!

Francine, I maxed out
your credit card

to hire Buddy Valastro
from Cake Boss to make this.

And, Stan, I maxed out your
credit card to hire Buddy

to make this cake
of me ordering the first cake.

I saw Roger ordering the cake,
and trust me, that is dead on.

Honey, I brought you breakfast.

Also, we haven't done
an are-you-alive check today.

I'm not hungry.

Put them with the rest.

Honey, I know it's been a year
since Jeff was abducted,

and that's hitting you
pretty hard.

But don't you think it's time
you got out of this room

and started living
your life again?

I'll never forget Jeff!

Oh, you made a big one!

Thanks for using the newspaper
this time.

Covered the whole
comics section.

Bet that's not the first time

Cathy's had that done
on her face.

This is it, Snot.

Today, we meet the girl who's
gonna take our virginities.

And we're gonna find
that girl with this!

What is it?

It's my dad's old CB radio!

Breaker, breaker.

This is two 14-year-old boys
looking for two special gals.

Oh, ten-four!

I'd treat you boys real nice.

I'm not a woman exactly,

but I can get my hands
on the parts you guys are after.

It's all lonely, male truckers.

Are you boys still there?

Yeah, we're here!

Be cool.

Are you hot?!

Well, if you're talking
about looks, yes.

If you're talking about gambling
on college basketball,

I am ice cold.

Stupid DePaul,
can't hit a free throw.

You boys want to meet up?

I'll be at...

...find me quite limber.

Ma'am? Ma'am,
are you there?!

Oh, she's gone!

We need to get her signal back!

You boys want to see
a 400-pound man rise out

of his overalls like a phoenix?

Oh, this can't end well.

Says here they taught
an ape how to read.

I'm assuming, based on the
photo next to all these words.

Stan, I'm worried about Hayley,
all cooped up in her room.

Maybe we should get a therapist
to help coax her out.

A therapist?
Sounds expensive.

What if I told you I could
smoke her out of her room

for a fraction of the cost?

Stan,
what were you thinking?!

Well, first I thought I'd smoke
her out with a controlled fire.

Then I lit the fire.

Then I thought, I don't know
how to control fire.

Hayley, when they told
you to feel the burn,

I think they were
talking about exercise!

I shouldn't joke about this.

I did this.

We'll see you tomorrow, honey.

Why don't you get
a real job, loser!

Yeah, you're just
a dumb janitor.

We're doctors.
Doctors rule!

Go... doctors!

Hey, Janitor, you should get
that checked out by a doctor.

Hey, I'm a doctor!

It's bad news.

You're a loser!

Doctors rule!

Hey, just because
he's a janitor doesn't mean

you can kick him in the nards.

Leave him alone!

Forget this.

Let's go hit on
some cancer chicks.

Wow. That was really sweet
of you to stand up for me.

I'm Millionaire Matt Davis.

Millionaire Matt Davis?

Is that your real name?

Yeah, my mom had
high hopes for me.

And I exceeded them
by 380 million.

Hayley. It's nice
to meet you.

But wait. If you're
a multimillionaire,

why are you working
as a janitor?

Well, when I'm not running my
many charitable organizations,

I use my fortune
to live life to the fullest.

Wow.

Yeah, every day,

I tackle a new,
amazing experience.

I mean, you know, being a
janitor is a bad example,

but Monday, I flew a jet.

Tuesday, I rocked-climbed
in Thailand.

And Wednesday, I
worked at GameStop.

Gosh, it all sounds so exciting!

Well, maybe one day,
I can take you along

on one of my adventures.

You ever have to kill
sick dogs for the city?

Maybe not that one.

No, not that one.

But we'll think of something.

Oops.

Hey, look at me!

Wow. That was most amazing trip
home from the hospital ever.

Mom, Dad, this is
Millionaire Matt Davis.

We met in the burn ward.

A millionaire?!

Okay, okay, okay, what is
premium gasoline like?

Does it smell as good
as I think it does?

What's that?

Hayley told me about the fire!

I wouldn't be a good guest

if I didn't bring something
for my hosts.

Oh, my gosh, thank you so much!

Did someone just
drop a house on me?!

Sure, my life is adventurous,

but if you don't have
someone to share it with,

what's the point?

Aw...

You're so rich!

Well, sorry to cut this short,

but I gotta get going.

Today I'm going
to be a pro golfer.

Worst on tour.

That shirt costs more than
this house, doesn't it?

Please let the answer be yes.

And I'll see you tomorrow.

Scuba-brunch!

Wow.

Oh, he makes me feel so alive!

You know, I didn't think
I could ever imagine

a life without Jeff, but...

maybe I'm finally ready to try.

Oh, Hayley, that's wonderful!

Damn.

I forgot to ask him
if he knows Scrooge McDuck.

Hayley, come quick!

Snot and I were playing
with Dad's old CB radio,

for reasons you
don't need to know,

and I came across a signal
from really far away.

Um, h-hello?

Hey, babe! It's me!

I'm alive!

Jeff?!

Oh, my God,
is-is that really you?

Jeffinitely!
Get it?

It's like "definitely,"
but with my name!

It is you!

Hey, I was out
test-driving some Saturns.

You know, narrowing it down.

Whoa, did we get a new house?

And then Sinbad
sacrificed himself

so I could escape
the alien space station,

and me and his ghost have been
traveling the stars

looking for a way home
ever since.

You guys, Jeff is still alive

in space and almost home!

Actually, babe, we have
no idea where we are.

Yo, Jeff, ask her
what she's wearing.

No, ask her if she's
seen Houseguest.

Hayley, Sinbad wants to know...

Hayley?

I'm losing my signal.

But wait by the CB
and I'll catch you later.

I think we can totally make this
long-distance thing work...

No!

Hayley's supposed to move on

with Millionaire Matt Davis!

Dad, no!

Damn it!

Everything in Steve's
room is made of Nerf!

It'll be like

I'm looking in her eyes
when we talk.

I also waterproofed it
for phone sex...

so I can cry as much as I want!

Look, Jeff,

I'm glad you reconnected
with your hippie wife,

but you're getting
her hopes up, man.

And we may never make it home.

Oh, we'll get home, Sinbad.

And until we do,

Hayley and I are strong enough

to survive a long-distance
relationship.

You'll see.

I believe you, Jeff Fischer.

You my man.

Plus, it'll be cool for me
to know the first guy ever

to make a long-distance
relationship work.

Actually, babe, it's not
too bad up here in space,

especially with
the world's funniest co-pilot.

Oh, listen to what
Sinbad said yesterday:

"Judo isn't an Olympic sport...

it's what you make
matzo balls with!"

Oh, Jeff.

I wish I were up there with you.

Oh, you don't want
to be up here, babe.

Sinbad's a blanket hog.

You love it.

You know the tall guy

and the Asian chick
from Rite Aid?

Yeah.

I saw them at
Pizza Hut together.

Like on a date?

Yeah, it looked like it.

Wow.
Good for her.

I know, right?

Here comes
Millionaire Matt Davis.

Poor schmuck, doesn't realize

Hayley's still stuck on Jeff.

Ugh, Hayley's blowing it.

All that money.

Matt would have been
the perfect son-in-law.

Maybe he still can be...

Hi, Matt!

Hey, Mr. Smith.

Um, sorry, I...

I just want to make
sure Hayley's okay.

She, um, hasn't been
returning my calls.

Yeah, yeah, Hayley's fine.

But have you met my younger,

also-single daughter, Ramona?

Hi.

I'm Regina.

Uh, I-I really just
want to see Hayley.

Forget Hayley!

Can she do this?

Oh... I don't know.

Or what about this?

Hot!

Probably not.

Well, can Hayley do this?

What about this?

Think she can do this?

Ha-duken!

Or this?

No way Hayley can do this.

Look, it was nice
to meet you, Ramona,

but Hayley's
the only girl for me.

How about next time
you bring your "A" game?

Stan! Reversing this
is a two-man job, Stan!

Hey, no, stop!

You're getting my insides dirty!

Stan!

Jeff? Jeff, are you there?

Oh, Hayley, look at you,

you're right back
where you started,

trapped in your room.

Yeah, but-but Jeff might
come back one day.

Look, honey, Jeff is gone.

And nobody knows where he is,

not even him.

Plus, he said he hated you
right before he left.

No, he didn't.

Okay, he didn't.

But I just don't want
to see you waste your life

waiting for a guy who's...

never coming home.

Exit on the joke, Francine.

Exit on the joke.

Hey, babe!

Hey, Jeff.

So what'd you do today?

Sat here... waiting.

Yeah, I didn't do much either.

Hey, Jeff, are, um,
are you guys any closer

to figuring out a way home?

Nope, not at all!

But I did figure out a way
to make Sinbad laugh!

That wasn't even real, girl!

That was his hands!

Matt, what the hell?!

Sorry I'm late.

Today I was a rodeo cowboy.

And tonight I'm a chef!

But first, let's thank
this noble animal

for its sacrifice.

Shine on, bull.

Shine on.

I was starting to worry
you didn't want to see me.

So, when you called,
it was a big relief.

Hup! Whup! Ho!

Of course I wanted to see you.

It's just...

So sorry to interrupt,

but you have something
behind your ear.

What are these?

Plane tickets.

I planned an entire year
of adventure

for us all over the world...

if you're interested.

I'd love to go, Matt.

There's just one thing
I have to do before I can.

Oh, my God, Matt!

I got this.

Ah! My pre-owned Saturn!
I just got this thing!

Jeff?

Jeff, are-are you there?

We need to talk.

Hayley!
Oh, I'm glad you're there!

Yeah, um, look, Jeff,

let's be honest,

you may never make it back,

so I have to face reality.

Babe, that's just it!

We did find a way home!

You-you found a way home?

Yeah, our ship found a wormhole

that will take us
straight to Earth!

So we can finally get back
to living our lives together?

Yeah, babe, I'll be home soon!

Promise you'll wait for me?

Hayley, are you there?

Yes, I-I'm here!

I promise, Jeff,
I will wait for you.

All right, Sinbad,
we're finally going home.

Whoa, look at that!

Wow...

The wormhole, it's so beautiful.

Like staring
into the face of God!

It's unbelievable!

We... are...

infinite!

Hayley, it's me! Hayley!

Hayley?

Jeff! I knew you'd come.

Oh! It's been 60 years,
but you're finally home!

That would explain
the floating cars.

I can't believe this.

How did we end up
60 years in the future?

When we went through
the wormhole,

we must have traveled
through both space and time.

There's a Magic Tree House book
that explains all of this.

I waited for you
like I promised.

I guess I just thought
that when you got here,

we'd be the same age.

Oh, that doesn't matter, babe.

You're as beautiful now
as the day I met you.

You mean it?
You know I do.

Yeah, that's real touching,

but in the future, do you
folks still have food

and do you offer it
to your guests?

My family's gonna be
so excited to see you!

And I can't wait
to see everyone!

I also can't wait
to find out why

everything in the future hovers.

I made my
famous Jell-O mold.

Gah! Mrs. S.?

You look so...

Great, right?

She's had a little work done,

but you can't really tell.

People often mistake
us for sisters.

Ooh!

Cool, you two
are still best friends?

Actually, we're a couple now.

We made a pact that
we'd marry each other

if we were still single

by the time we turned 21.

In retrospect,
we probably should have

set the age a little higher.

We take turns being the girl.

No, no, we don't.

Good for you guys.

Hey! You made it back!

Roger, you son of a bitch!

You sent me into space!

I know. I owe you a fairly
substantial apology, Jeff.

But I'm a changed man.

I've been involved with a lot
of shenanigans over the years,

but the greatest adventure
of my life has been being a dad

to these two amazing black sons,
who I adopted

after their mother,
the love of my life,

died in a car accident.

We know he backed over our mom,

but he's been a real
good driver since then.

Okay, you're
embarrassing me now.

Dad, good to see you.

Still committing to
the ape body, I see.

The ape uprising
is coming, Hayley,

and I'll be ready when it does.

Mr. S., is that
really you?!

Oh, I've missed you!

You!

Hayley was supposed to marry
Millionaire Matt Davis,

and instead, she wasted
her entire life waiting for you!

Dad, stop!
Leave him alone!

Hayley, who's Matt Davis?

You were gonna marry
someone else?

Jeff, you don't understand!
You were gone!

I-I didn't think you were
ever gonna come back!

She's having a heart attack!

Give her space!

Give her space so she can die!

Hayley, I'm so sorry
this happened.

How's she doing?

She's... comfortable.

Wait-- you're
Millionaire Matt Davis?

Yup. And I loved her.

Till one day she told me
we were through.

Ever since then I've just been

mopping up vomit and guts
at this hospital,

just trying to relive
the best day of my life--

the day I met Hayley.

Looks like I ruined everyone's lives.

I'm sorry I made you waste yours
waiting for me.

Good-bye, babe...

forever.

Suck metal, Davis!

Robot doctors rule!

Come on, Sinbad,

we don't belong here.

Get back here!

You wasted my daughter's life
and now you're running away?!

Fischer!

Yes! I knew it!

The ape revolution is starting!

Wait for me, brother apes!

Greetings, brother apes!
I stand with you.

Man, that was fun.

So where we going now?

Back through the wormhole.

But if we do that,

we're gonna be stranded
in deep space again.

I know.

Let me see if we're back.

Hayley?

Hayley, are you there?!

Yes, I'm here.
I promise, Jeff!

I will wait for you.

No, no, no, don't wait for me!

Listen, babe, I thought we found
a way home, but I was wrong.

And it's not fair to ask you
to wait for me.

Jeff, what-what are you saying?

Move on, babe.

I release you.

I'll never forget you,
Jeff Fischer.

You gotta hide me!

I just married a black chick

with two kids
and then I killed her!

Okay, Hayley,
the jet is parked out front.

You ready to go to Fiji?

No witnesses!

I guess today...

I get to try out...

being an angel.

Well, looks like we both lost
a life partner today.

You know
what'll make us feel better?

A trip to Fiji.
A mourncation. Honeymourn?