American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 19 - News Glances with Genevieve Vavance - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Good... morning, everyone.

It is a beautiful
72 degrees out.

(sighs)

Today has so much promise.



Today?
Try Berlin in '38.

So many different people.

So many opinions.

A marketplace of ideas.

Anyway,
today in sex-ed,

we're asking our teacher
anonymous questions.

It can be anything
we want to know.

That's great, honey.

You know, Steve, legend has it,

that if you can stump
a sex-ed teacher,

you become the
sex-ed teacher.

(imitates Highlander):
"There can be only one!"

Hey. Did you guys know
that there's a landmass

made up of garbage that's
floating in the Pacific Ocean?



You shouldn't
have to go that far

just to throw away
that manly jacket.

Well, I'm tired of ignoring
the world's problems.

So, today, I start my new job
for a local news reporter

with a brand-new show.

Oh, that sounds hard.

Are you sure you want to bother?

Look, this is my chance
to get the truth out there

about Garbage Island
and so many other things.

People need to know the dangers
of eating non-organic fruit

and that vaccines are--

Hayley! Behind you!

(footsteps departing)

(all grunting)

Damn it!
One at a time, you guys.

This is why we had
all those drills.

Whatever.

I'm going out there
to make a difference.

("Let the River Run"
by Carly Simon begins)

♪ It's asking for the taking ♪

♪ Trembling, shaking ♪

♪ Oh, my heart is aching ♪

♪ We're coming to the edge ♪

♪ Running on the water ♪

♪ Coming through the fog ♪

♪ Your sons and daughters ♪

♪ Let the river run ♪

♪ Let the river run ♪

♪ Let all the dreamers ♪
♪ Let all the dreamers ♪

♪ Wake the nation ♪
♪ Wake the nation ♪

♪ Come, the New Jerusalem. ♪

(song abruptly ends)

Oh, come on!

♪ ♪

I'm Genevieve Vavance.

Tonight on News Glance:

Is heroin the
new cure for cancer?

What I don't know about things
will shock you.

And cut. We're clear.

You're late.

You're Genevieve Vavance?

I thought I was working for
a real reporter.

I am a real reporter.

I broadcast live to Langley
Falls every night on channel 438

after reruns of the
Taiwanese prayer breakfast.

First pitch meeting
is this afternoon.

Prepare to wow me.

You're already halfway there.

I love that jacket.

Is it...?

Yeah. Cheap.

All right.
It's time for me to answer

your anonymous questions
about sex.

"I've had sex three times."

Kudos.

But that's not a question.

"What's it called when you
kiss someone on the toilet?"

Good question.

Scientists call that
a "San Diego Thank You."

"Is it true that, during sex,
a woman's uterus can create

a vacuum-like effect and suck
a person up inside of it?"

(class laughing)

Idiot.

Hold up. Hold up.

I recognize this handwriting.

It's Steve Smith's.

(laughing continues)

Hey, Steve! Look out...!

(whooshes)

(laughing and whooshing
continue)

Okay. Story ideas.

Now, I don't know
where you worked before,

but Genevieve Vavance does
things a little differently.

Now, pitch.

How 'bout we do a report
on the corruption

in the Langley Light Rail?

No.

(gun clicking)

(sighs) Can we please get

a bullet intern to make sure
I always have bullets?

We had one?

What happened to her?

Oh, that's right.

She went back to school.

She was great.

She's gonna do great things.

Well, I want to do an exposé
about Garbage Island.

It's a giant mass of trash
polluting the Pacific Ocean.

You know what's garbage?

That story.

Come on, I need something juicy
to boost my ratings!

I need a serial killer priest!

I need a vegetarian cop!

I need a senator cheating
on his wife with a bagel!

(yells, grunts)

All of you, get out there

and find me my JonBenét Ramsey!

But Garbage Island is a story
that people need to hear.

I'll tell you what:

you find me a story
that gets me ratings

and I'll let you report on as
much idealistic crap as you want.

Genevieve?
My bagel and I are ready

to tell our side of the story.

You have my ear, Senator.

Today was awful.

Someone spray painted

"Steve Smith thinks
vaginas suck",

on my locker.

So what?
People think you're gay.

(scoffs) I wish!

No one thinks I'm sexual at all,

because of the stupid question
I asked in class.

My day was worse.

My new boss is Roger.

I-I wanted to make
a difference in the world,

but he just wants a missing
kid to sensationalize.

Missing kids are so lucky.

I'd kill to disappear right now.

Wait a minute...

What if you did disappear?

What do you mean?

Yeah. Yeah.

We pretend you were kidnapped

and we hide you away for a week,

Roger gets his
missing person story

and then I get to do my exposé
on Garbage Island.

That's great!

By the time I get back,

everyone will have
forgotten all about

my ignorance of the fairer sex!

I'm not as concerned about

what you're getting
out of it, but sure.

I rented this cabin
for the next week.

Y-You sure
you'll be okay?

Of course!
I'll be fine.

Geez, Steve.

Four gallons of Lubriderm?

You try living with eczema.

All right.

Time to report a disappearance.

(sighs)

ROGER:
Hello?

(voice breaking):
Genevieve?

It's Hayley.

I think I have your story.

My little brother
has gone missing!

Steve is missing?!

How horrible for him.

But fantastic for us!

We can make this national news!

(phone beeps)

They said I wasn't
good enough for television.

How do you like me now,
voices in my head?

There's no pleasing you guys!

No, not you, Marc.

You're always super positive.

ANNOUNCER:
Hard-hitting reporter.

Truth seeker.

Curves membership.

This is News Glance

with Genevieve Vavance.

Sad news out of
Langley Falls tonight,

stunningly gorgeous
high school student,

Steve Smith, has gone missing.

Athletic. Chiseled. Missing.

All we know right now is that
Steve was last seen at home

with his family
and he is adorable.

This isn't some ugly kid
who went missing. No.

This is a person who matters.

To fully understand
the weight of this tragedy,

let's take a look at some photos
of Steve to the song,

"It's So Hard
to Say Goodbye to Yesterday",

from the notable Boyz II Men
album, "Cooleyhighharmony."

♪ And I'll take... ♪
♪ Take with me ♪

♪ With me the memories... ♪

♪ To be my sunshine ♪

♪ After the rain ♪

♪ It's so hard ♪
♪ Hard ♪

♪ To say goodbye ♪
♪ Bye ♪

♪ To yesterday. ♪
♪ Day. ♪

(song ends)

It's too early to speculate
whether Steve is dead or alive,

but, when we come back,
it won't be.

And now,
a word from our sponsor,

BeerWater.

(bird screeches)

You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make him party.

Unless you have BeerWater!

(house music plays)

BeerWater--
quench your sober.

This is great, right?!

I just saw the early ratings

and we're holding 81 percent

of the Taiwanese
prayer breakfast numbers.

Yeah. Listen, now that
I got you your hot story,

I get to do my report on
Garbage Island, right?

Yeah. We're definitely
gonna do that.

A thousand percent,
top priority on my mind.

MEN:
♪ It's so hard... ♪

What the hell is that?

♪ To say goodbye... ♪

And we...

have... vigil.
♪ To yesterday. ♪

(women crying)

Look how sad everyone is.

I did this!

Officer, please,
find our baby boy.

We're doing everything we can
with the evidence we have.

Which... is...

no evidence.

But we will, uh...

find him?

Whoa. A monkey
holding a banana?!

So many Beanie Babies here
I haven't seen before.

Francine, look at this one!

It's a bear in a bunny costume.

What are you doing
in a bunny costume, bear?

I'm here with the parents,
Stan and Francine Smith.

Do you folks have a statement?

I just want
my baby to come home.

Of course you do.

But I'd let yourself
want other things, too.

I mean, we're at a vigil.

It's not like you have those
when things are going great.

(crying)

If you'll excuse me,

I have to go
comfort my wife now.

I bet a Beanie Baby
would cheer her up.

Like this one.

She might like this one.

(gasps) This one reminds me of

Abigail Breslin.

Not so much the way it looks,
but its energy.

Great work, Hayley!

This story is
just what I needed.

I know, but I feel awful.

My mom is devastated.

Well, yeah,
her little baby's missing.

Th-That's the thing,
he's...

(groans)

...he's not really missing.

I, I kind of staged
the whole thing.

Oh, my God, Hayley!

You're a journalist!
What?!

Sure!

We don't report the news,
we make it.

Accuracy is so time-consuming.

Fiction is the new fact.

Roger, these people
need to know that

Steve isn't missing, okay?

I got to come clean on this.

You know what else
has to come clean?

Garbage Island.

Don't you still
want to do your report?

Of course I do!

But, uh,
my mom, she's so torn up.

Look, just let this ride
for one more day, all right?

Besides, the more popular
the story gets,

the more viewers we'll have

for your bummer piece
on Garbage Island.

(sighs) Fine.

One more day.

All right.
I'm gonna take a lap.

It's super easy to take peoples'
wallets while they're crying.

ANNOUNCER:
Justice hunter. Philanthropist.

Has a Gmail account.

This is News Glance
with Genevieve Vavance.

Been a tough day for all of us
here at the Glance.

Steve Smith has now been
missing for 36 hours.

I'm joined by some of
Steve's classmates.

You look like the type of girls

who do a lot of
regrettable things.

How does it feel today,

knowing you'll probably
never get to hit that?

Sad. Steve was
really cute.

I guess I just wish
I could've hit that.

It's so important
to have sex with people

before they go missing.

All those girls want me?!

Awesome!

The longer I stay in this cabin,
the more laid I'm gonna get!

Yeah.

More volume!

I want it super big!

You're doing a great job.

I know I'm demanding,
but I'm working on it.

But it also got me
where I am today.

So when I ask you to
make it super big,

I mean, make it super big!

I will murder you!

I'm sorry.
Work in progress.

God is not finished
with this gal.

Hey, Genevieve, I'm all set to
do my story on Garbage Island.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we'll get to it.

But first, I got an
exclusive with the parents.

Wait. What?!

And we're back.

I'm here tonight
with Stan and Francine Smith,

heartbroken parents of America's
missing son, Steve Smith.

Stan, Francine,

why did you murder your son?

What?!
Not ready to confess?

Let's look at some statistics.

100% of the time a child goes
missing, the parents did it.

ANNOUNCER:
Legally not a fact.

What are you talking about?

And where'd you hide the body?

We didn't hide the body.

So you admit there's a body?!

Why are you doing this?!

I'm sorry.
Its been a long week.

Emotions are running wild.

Can I get you something?
A BeerWater perhaps?

No, thanks.
That stuff gives me diarrhea.

Stan, are you close
with your son?

No, but that doesn't mean
I murdered him!

Interesting.
Can we play that back?

I murdered him!

You son of a bitch!

(clicking) Oh!

(gasps) We have to take a break.

WOMAN:
BeerWater...

it won't give you diarrhea.

(bird screeches)

(quietly):
Just keep it natural.

You guys are doing great.
You're coming off super likable.

Francine, how many times
did you stab your son?

None!
Huh.

Well, my team and I
created a reenactment

of what we believe happened
the night Steve disappeared.

You know what
I've been thinking about lately?

How Steve is the worst?

Yes! I kind of want
to murder him.

Great idea!
We'll use my knife!

(clinking)

Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!

Just coming in here to love you.

I... forgive... you.

(laughter)

Gruesome stuff.

Can you two stick around
for my next guest? Yeah?

Well, please welcome
Officer Keith Benson!

What?!

Stan and Francine Smith,

you are under arrest for
the murder of your son.

What the hell?!

We didn't kill him!

We love our son!

Wait! Officer, please!

You're making a mistake!

Tragic.

After the break: bulimia.

Bad for you,
but is it good for your toilet?

Find out tonight at 11:00.

Are you crazy?!

You let my mom and
dad go to jail?!

Now, I know you're angry, but
try not to let that come through

when you do your report
on Garbage Island, which is now!

Go!
(theme music plays)

Um... m-mo-most people like to
get wasted on an exotic island,

but this island is waste.

(sighs)

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

Isn't she a trouper?

Still trying to save the world

when, just moments ago,
she learned

that her parents murdered
her little handsome brother.

They murdered her brother!

Camera two,
they murdered her brother!

I'm sorry. Cut! Cut!
I can't do this!

♪ ♪

Okay, from the top.

(whistling "Ode to Joy")

Steve!
My orchestra!

Pack your bags, Steve.
We're going home.

Home? Are you crazy?

"Steve Fever" is starting
to build.

I'll be dropping more panties

than when Mr. Bean worked
at Victoria's Secret.

Haven't you been watching?!

Mom and Dad got arrested!

Huh?!
Yeah. This kidnapping is officially over.

(theme music plays)
Un... expected... twist!

It is with a heavy heart

that I must report one
of my own journalists,

Hayley Smith,
kidnapped her brother

and framed her own parents
for his murder!

(whispering):
Let her take the fall,

or you're going down with her.

Thank God we found him!

He seems to be okay,
at least above the waist.

Steve, did she do stuff to you?

Oh, God, she did!

Camera two,

she did!

What?!

These are all lies!

Steve, tell them the truth!

Genevieve Vavance is right!

My sister kidnapped me!

Steve!

(siren blaring)

(tires squealing)

We got a runner!

You cops split up
and comb each side of the river.

Don't come back
until you get her!

Genevieve, is that you?

It's me-- Edward.

Edward? No.

No, you can't be Edward.

Edward weighed at least
25 pounds more than you.

I lost that weight
in the academy.

You look good, Genny.

I see you kept my name.

Only because
it was TV-ready.

I'm married to my career now.

You always were.

I got to go, Eddie.

My story's leaving,
and I got to chase it.

Hey, Sarge, was that her?

I get it now.

Hey, you mind if I borrow
your Metro section?

(in deep voice):
Sure.

MALE ANNOUNCER (on TV): Tonight, don't miss
The Steve Smith Homecoming Spectacular

hosted live by legendary
reporter, Genevieve Vavance,

with a special tribute

by universally-likable
crooner Josh Groban!

(applause, cheering
and whistling)

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

it's The Steve Smith
Homecoming Spectacular!

Please welcome special
musical guest Josh Groban!

(applause and cheering)

♪ He was lost
but now he's found ♪

♪ We just wanted
to have him around ♪

♪ He's the Steveiest,
he's the Steveiest ♪

♪ He's utterly Steve ♪

♪ Oh, Steve, in the night we called for you ♪
(applause and cheering)

♪ Steve, in the night we bawled for you ♪
(audience groans)

♪ Now you're home ♪

♪ Stay with us ♪

♪ Stay, Steve! ♪

(applause and cheering)

And please welcome
my dear friend

and spiritual guide,
Miss Genevieve Vavance.

(applause and cheering,
theme music plays)

Thanks, Grobes.
See you next month in Mexico.

I put your name on the room,

in case you want
to check in before me.

And now let's have
a big welcome back for

Steve Smith and his parents,
Stan and Francine!

(applause)

Thank you for being here.

Now, let's start
with the parents.

How thankful are you

that my accusing you of murder
has brought an end

to this terrible ordeal?

On a scale from 90 to 100.

Then... 90.

90. Wow! Still an A!

(applause)
They don't just give those out!

And Steve Smith,
here you are, safe, free,

the nightmare behind you.

Tell us: what was it like to
be kidnapped by your own sister?

Well, I...

I'm not sure.

Is that right?

Well, maybe
the teleprompter can help.

Um... I... Well...

Uh, I had heard
that there was never a time

you weren't certain
you were going to die.

(audience gasping)

Every girl
in that crowd wants you.

Just read the damn prompter.

"My crazy sister locked me up

and made me kiss a raccoon
on the mouth..."

No! That's not true.

None of this is!

Wha-What-What?!

I can't do this.

My sister didn't kidnap me.

I humiliated myself at school,
so she helped me hide.

This entire thing was staged.

(audience gasping)

And Genevieve Vavance
was in on it.

Yes, I staged
Steve's kidnapping,

but Genevieve Vavance
knew about it.

She had my parents
arrested for a crime

she knew they didn't commit,

and when I told her to stop,
she framed me, too.

(audience murmuring)
We trusted you!

You're supposed to be a journalist!
(audience booing)

I can't read!
I depend on you!

Whoa!

Uh, uh, everyone, a big hand

for the BeerWater mermaids!

(dance music plays)

(audience clamoring)

(screaming)

(gasps)

Hayley, I'm sorry I let
everyone think you kidnapped me.

No, Steve.

I'm the one who owes
you an apology.

I just wanted to be a journalist
and get the truth out there,

but I ended up compromising
all my beliefs along the way.

(sighs) I learned my lesson.

I'll never be ambitious again.

Hayley, I have no idea
what's going on,

but it sounds like
I should be proud of you.

That ballad was supposed

to be my "Candle in
the Wind", you dicks.

All right, I'm gonna do the
bumpers for the next few shows.

Just keep it rollin'.
I ain't doing this twice.

What household item could
kill you in the next half-hour?

We'll tell you tonight...
at 11:00!

Easily surprised?
You'll be shocked

by what you learn
tonight at 11:00.

Texting and driving--
how it may save your life.

Tonight at 11:00!

Is Mario Lopez gay?

We make irresponsible guesses,
tonight at 11:00.

The results will shock him.

Tonight, at 11:00, teens are
having sex younger and younger.

Want to watch?