American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 18 - Permanent Record Wrecker - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Where the hell's
my Red Dawn DVD?

I told Steve
to alphabetize these.

Oh, honey,
cut him a little slack.

He just started
his first summer job.



Why don't I alphabetize them?

No! I asked Steve to do this.

And he did a half-ass job.

It may not seem important,

but he needs to learn to do
everything with his full ass.

(door slams)

Steve, there you are.

I told you
to alphabetize the DVDs.

And I can't find Red Dawn.

Dad, can I unwind for a minute?

I'm walking in from
a hard day at work.

Hard day?

You work at a grocery store.

You know
who actually works hard?



Machines.

Machines work non-stop
for years.

I mean, take my watch.

Where's my watch?

You left it in the hotel room

in Orlando last spring.

Wow. You can go a long time

without needing a watch.

Dad, Red Dawn is right here.

It just got switched
with Red Sonja.

No, I want you to
re-alphabetize these.

Switching isn't alphabetizing.

What's the difference?
They're all in order now.

What's the difference?!

You do things the right way,
you have a good life.

You do things the wrong way,
you end up riding the rails.

What?

Wh-What does that even mean?

It means do it the right way!

(groans)

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a Father of the
Year award to accept.

And the Pappy goes to...

(gasps)
...my man, Stan Smith.

Thank you, Alan Thicke.

This is amazing.

Honey!

I told you I'm using
the garage for my award show!

Park on the street!

I am so sick of this crap, Alan!

You're ruining my thing!

(crying)

I'm sorry, it's over.

But it's not you.

You know that, right?

It's not you.

It's your body.

(crying)

Hey, knock that off!

I'm dumping this girl,

and your sad music
is making her cry.

Uh, I don't think
it's the music, buddy.

I do. In fact, I'm surprised
your crappy playing

hasn't driven everyone
in this place to tears.

Oh, yeah?
Well, why don't you come up here

if you think you can do better?

I don't even play guitar.

But you suck so hard,
I bet I could

be better than you in a week.

Donald!
It's okay.

Wait, if you don't play,

why are you wearing a
Martin Guitar T-shirt?

That's 'cause I'm
a hipster, dumbass.

We pretend to be stuff.

All right, Mr. Hip.

Meet me back here in a week,

and let's see who's better.

Loser never shows his
face in here again.

I'll do you one better.

The loser never comes back
here even in a mask.

See you in a week, Mr. Hip.

See you in a week, um...

Jamal.

Your name's Jamal?
But you're white.

So?

Is this really the first time

you've had this conversation?

Come on, Jamal.

What do you think's going on?

Seems like everyone's
getting called

into Bullock's office today.

(crying)

Uh-oh, I know that cry.

Either they're
making budget cuts

or all our parents got
in a car accident again.

Smith?

Sir, am I getting fired?

(laughing):
I wouldn't say that.

I'd say "sacked."

Because that's more
what Austin Powers would say.

I do a great Austin Powers
impression.

(poor Austin Powers impression):
You're sacked, baby!

But I've worked here 20 years.

You're just eliminating
the position?

Oh, no, what you do
is important.

I just found someone
who will do it cheaper.

Meet Agent Gary.

Gary's a half-wit.

But he only costs half as much.

Gary, stop rubbing
the stapler on your pants.

(sniffs)

So, that's it?

I'm out of a job just like that?

Yup, it's pretty crazy
how life can change so quickly.

Here's another example of how
life can change so quickly.

(laughing)

(thud, crashing)

(strumming guitar)

Ha-hey! Am I in time for a show?

No, I challenged some dick
to a guitar duel.

Now get out of here,
I need to practice.

Go play in your attic
if you don't want an audience.

(groans) Stairs.

All right, how
hard could this be?

The shape is pretty
self-explanatory.

Roger, I-I thought you knew
how to play the guitar.

I used to.

But you know the part of your
brain that deals with music?

I took some PCP and
just destroyed it.

Hey, why don't you
order some DVDs

from that Latin guy
with the infomercials?

Lorenzo!

That's genius, Hayley.

Wonder how come I never
have any great ideas?

I mean, could it be the PCP?

Well, I don't know.

Let's find out!

Shoot, left my lighter
in the attic.

(groans) Stairs.

You know, Mr. Smith,
I'd like to give you the job.

And the way you opened
an entire pack of Starbursts

with your tongue
was really impressive.

But I just don't think
you're qualified.

But I've worked for the
CIA for the last 20 years.

Yes, I see you put
that on your résumé.

But it's not
on your permanent record.

"Permanent record"?

That's a real thing?

Well, if it wasn't,
how would I know

that in fifth grade you tried

to get out of a math test
by putting a slice of pizza

in your underwear
and saying it was your period?

That's on there?!

All right, first of all,
that never happened.

Second of all, it was a calzone.

I'm sorry, Mr. Smith.

But with a permanent record
like this,

no one's going to hire you.

Oh, you know what it must be?

My CIA work isn't on there
because it's classified.

Here, talk to my boss.

(line ringing)

Yeah, hi, this is Shaun

over at Buffalo Wild Wings
corporate.

I-I'm sorry to bother you,
but I'm sitting here

with a Stan Smith,
who claims he worked for you.

He-he did?

(laughs)
Oh, is that right?

Okay.

Eh, nice try, but that was
clearly one of your friends.

He gave me the old
"Now that I told you,

I'm gonna have to kill you"
joke.

Hi, Stan.

You got to stop
telling people, Stan.

So according
to my permanent record,

the last job I had
was in college

sweeping up hair.

Working at a barbershop
shows initiative.

Barbershop?

It was a White Castle.

I finished raking
all the leaves.

Did you clean the gutters?

There was nothing in them.

Then get a ladder and go up

and stuff the leaves
in the gutters.

Then clean the gutters.
But that's...

They won't always be clean.

You need to be prepared
for that day.

Full ass, son.

(sighs)
Fine, I'll do it after work.

Wait, Steve, didn't you say

someone got fired
at the grocery store?

Stan, maybe you
could take that job.

Oh, no, no, no!

Uh, uh, Dad doesn't
want that job.

It's-it's entry level.

Well, I got to start somewhere.

Yay, I don't have to get a job!

Hey, Steve, did you see that
guy earlier buying condoms?

And now this lady's
getting tampons.

This day is crazy.

I didn't know grocery
stores were so sexy.

Have fun.

You know that chick has sex.

Dad, come on, we're working.

Hey, Steve.

Rick just quit.

So, how would you like to be

the new assistant manager?

Would I?!

Sir, I've got so much more

workforce experience than Steve.

Yeah, but Steve's
been here a month.

So, Steve, here's
your huge key ring.

Oh, boy, now I have access
to the teeth-whitening kits

and all liquor over $40!

Well, congratulations, Steve.

Thanks, Dad.

Now go take the pieces
of dead onion skin

out of the shopping baskets.

This totally blows.

I worked for the CIA
for 20 years, you know.

(glass breaks)

SNIPER: You really got to
put a sock in it, Stan!

(whistling)

I don't like your tune.

Now, when you're done with this,

I need you to go count
the tomatoes.

Geez, why are you
being so bossy?

'Cause I'm your boss.

Not if I quit.

Yeah? You think

your permanent record
looks bad now?

Think how it'll look if you quit

your only job in 20 years.

(laughs) Quit.

In your dreams.

Steve, they just
delivered the butter.

One of your new responsibilities

is to show the baggers
how to stock it.

Yes, sir. I'm on it.

So, we're right behind
the butter shelves.

Whoa! How long has
this place been here?

Get your jaw off
the floor and start stocking.

And don't let the butter sit
on the ground too long

because the fridges
put out some major heat.

Got it?

It won't fit.

You got to take it
out of the crate, dummy.

Then you make it fit.

Lay the butter like bricks.

With the labels facing out.

Got it?

Yeah, I got it.

I earned a break.

I'll be napping
in the blood pressure chair.

What's this?

Oh, sorry.

No, start over and do it right.

Oh, that poor,
mentally-disabled man.

I'm not mentally disabled!

Well, you don't know
how to stack butter, so...

Hey, your guitar DVD came.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You're battling that guy in
the coffee shop in two days.

Oh, my God,
that's so important to me!

Quick, put it in the DVD player!

Just skip to the first lesson.

I don't have a lot
of time to learn.

(strumming guitar)

Now it is your turn.

Start with the G chord,

which you finger like this.

(groans)
He's going too fast.

I'll pause.

I think I got it.

Ready?
Yeah.

Now strum.

Aah! It's got me!

(grunting)

Well, I guess this
is my hand now.

I hate working at that store!

Steve just bosses me around.

The only good thing is
that the stock boys

are teaching me Spanish,

so that's pretty cállate gringo.

Dad, why on Earth
did you make me

take all of our spare light
bulbs out of their boxes?

Stan, is this just
to get back at Steve

for bossing you around
at the store?

Are you accusing me of
being vindictive, Francine?

Because I will destroy you!

Besides, there's a reason

I'm making him do
all these things.

Now take off your shoes
and sweep up that glass.

Take off my shoes?!

Take 'em off.

Oh, you're in for it
tomorrow, mister.

The regional manager's
coming for our review

and I'm gonna
be busting your ass all day.

I'll just call in sick.

I'll tell them you're faking.

And you'll get fired.

Then how will you
support your woman?

How will you keep her
glowing in such finery?

(sighs)

(strums badly)

LORENZO:
That's right.

Now you're getting it!

No, I'm not, and there's no way

I'll learn by tomorrow!

Not learning fast enough?

What the hell?

How are you...

(laughs evilly)

(plays dramatic chords)

I am Lorenzo.

AKA Old Scratch.

I can offer you a shortcut
to guitar mastery,

but it comes at an ironic price.

Yeah, yeah, I'll pay any price.

You realize I'm the Devil
and... and you're making

what is called
a Faustian bargain, right?

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Really?

'Cause you don't sound
like you understand

the gravity of the ironic price.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's fine.

I mean, I really have to crush

this punk at the coffee shop.

He's got this stupid
little goatee...

Ah! Enough!
Enough.

I'm sure your
reasons are terrific

if you are willing
to pay with your soul.

Wait, my soul?

My Kia Soul?

How am I supposed to get
to my shift at Dairy Queen?

Stacey, it's Roger.

Hey, can you cover my
3:00 to 7:00 tonight?

Oh, my soul!

Never mind.

Hey, are you going
to Jake's party?

Tom, I gotta say.

You hit a solid double here.

I'm just happy to get on base.

I make the baseball
references...

Oh. My. God.

Holy moly.

Stan, what's going on?

There's butter melting
all over the place!

Yeah, I, uh, I could only fit

one crate on the shelf.

The rest is by the
refrigeration exhaust.

Steve, you were
supposed to show Stan

how to stock the butter!

Yeah, I sure could have used

some supervision on that one.

Wh-What?

I-I showed you!

Clearly not well enough.

And I'm a sponge,
I was waiting for it.

This is not good, Steve.

It's just lucky no one got hurt.

Joshua!

(screaming)

(screams)

I'm sorry, Steve,

but I'm gonna have
to let you go.

But...
No buts.

Now let's have the apron.

(grunts)

It's always hard
to see a young boy

tarnish his permanent record.

Hold on.

This'll be on his
permanent record?

Uh, yeah.

He was assistant manager

and he didn't show you
how to put the butter away.

That's something every employer

for the rest of his life
is gonna want to know.

Yeah, if he can even find a job.

Oh, God!

What have I done?

(thunder crashes)

I showed him how
to stock the butter

and he did it wrong on purpose.

He got me fired!

But he still has his job, right?

I can keep my finery?

You!

You have a lot of nerve
showing your face here!

You're right to be mad, Steve.

And it's worse than you think.

I got you fired...

and now it's on your
permanent record.

Good lord.

My future...

He's gonna be
ridin' the rails, Stan!

(doorbell rings)

It's come to our attention!

That your son's run
out of options.

The Army'll take him!

Get out of here,
you damn vulture!

Thank you for your service.

Dad, what are we doing
at your old office?

Well, the CIA was able to keep

my 20 years with them
off my permanent record,

so they must have
access to them.

Okay, but why'd
you drag me along?

Well, I don't have
my badge anymore,

so I need your help
getting into the building.

And how am I
supposed to do that?

Like this.

(grunting, groaning)

STEVE:
Ow!

(lock clicking)

Okay, I just have to log in

and see how they access
the permanent records.

Damn it, they already
deleted my password!

Your password was one letter?

Yeah, it's, like, super easy
to remember that way.

Well, I guess
this was a dead end.

Or...

maybe we could go
to the basement,

'cause that's where

the Permanent Record
Department is.

BULLOCK (recording):
This is Deputy Director Bullock

reminding you that secrets
are meant to be kept.

Now, back to the elevator music.

(singing):
♪ Friday night it was late ♪

♪ I was walking you home ♪

♪ We got down to the gate ♪

♪ And I was dreaming
of the night... ♪

It's a permanent record!

"Martin McGowan pretended
to pick up his dog's poop,

but just grabbed at the air
and kept walking."

Wow.

They are on top of stuff.

Come on, let's find yours.

Here it is.

"Fired from grocery store

for incompetent management."

Don't worry, we'll fix that.

"And it was totally not
Steve's fault."

There.

Now, to spice it up.

"Steve Smith lost his virginity

"after a romantic candlelight
dinner on the beach.

"He suggested
taking things slow,

"but she was voracious,

"with an unquenchable
sex-thirst.

And he did a good job."

Solid.

Now, let's get outta here.
GUARD: Freeze!

Sir, we were just
trying to repair

Steve's permanent record.

He shouldn't be burdened

for the rest of his life
for something I did.

Well, that's the system.

And when I send this downstairs,

you'll be a virgin again,
Master Smith.

You're in charge of
the permanent records?

I play many roles here.

I also design
the company softball shirts.

It came to me in a dream.

Daddy, the bombs came.

It's C-4,
Gary,

and I am not your father.

What about the detonators?

They came, too.

I put them in the bombs
so Gary wouldn't lose them.

Did you set the timer on these?!

Uh-huh, Gary
making oatmeal.

Almost ready.
(ticking)

Good God, you're gonna
blow up this office!

We've got to get
this C-4 out of here!

Uh-oh!

Steve, throw me more bricks.

It's just like the butter!

Oh, yeah!

Go, Dad!

(explosion, glass shattering)

Yay!

Oatmeal time!

Gary, you're fired!

Stan, you got your job back.

Thank you for saving
our lives, Smith.

Well, actually, you
should be thanking Steve.

I was only able to
stack the C-4 so fast

because Steve was so hard on me

at the grocery store.

Oh. Well-well,
I just did that

because you were such
a jerk to me at home.

I'm not trying to
be a jerk, Steve.

I'm trying to save you from
a life of ridin' the rails.

Dad, that's just an expression.

Tell that to Tony Lura.

He half-assed
it all summer

on the grill at White Castle.

A lot of people got
really sick, actually.

Then he just disappeared.

Last anyone saw of him,

he was hoppin' the
Union Pacific Line

with all of his
possessions in a sock.

Oh.

Well, thanks for
looking out for me, Dad.

I sure wouldn't want
to end up like Tony Lura.

No, you wouldn't, son.

And, son, that's why

you don't want to end up
like Stan Smith,

the White Castle employee
who did everything right.

'Cause what did it get him?

A government job
fighting for so-called freedom

from the confines of a cubicle.

Well, this is my cubicle!

(train horn blares)

And this is real freedom!

You understand, son?

Yep.

The world is our oyster!

(acoustic guitar playing)

(applause) They're
clapping 'cause it's over.

(playing "Classical Gas")

♪ ♪

You get the drift, I win.

(applause, cheering)

Listen, buddy, you clearly won,
but I really need this gig.

I tell you what-- you
seem like a nice guy.

What if I let you
keep playing here

and you just cover
the price of my lessons?

That'd be amazing!

Then it's a deal.

(screaming)