American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 17 - Rubberneckers - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

♪ Good morning, USA!

Oh, Stan...

I love having date night on a Tuesday.

And it's Taco Tuesday, where
all the tacos are two for one.



Your frugality is so sexy.

I brought a garbage bag that
we can fill with chips.

You know, maybe with
all the money we're saving

on Mexican food, we can
finally buy a new couch.

Too many animals have
given birth on the old one.

Stan...?

Are you listening?

Yeah...

I was, I was just looking at...

the-the alcohol.

H-H-Have they always
served hard alcohol here?

Stan, you have two Jack
and Cokes in front of you.

You get them every time we come here.

Jack is alcohol?!



Why, I always thought it was slang.

Like, "That soda be so cheap
you Jack and Coke, son."

You just couldn't keep your eyes off

that slutty bartender, could you?

Wait, what?!

Are you just guessing that she's slutty,

or have you heard something?

Well, we're in the driveway

and that's where all conversations end.

I'm gonna go deal with
the B-side of Taco Tuesday.

See you at sex later?

Wednesday morning, that means
Stan's fresh off date night.

Come on, spill it!

All right. Highlight:

Successfully passed an expired coupon.

Nice!
The master!

Keeping it cheap!

Francine almost busted me

checking out this hot girl's boobs.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
You can't get caught looking.

Yeah, man.
Women talk.

If my girlfriend hears
you're checking out other women,

she'll realize I do it too.

Guys, guys, relax.

I covered it with an excuse

and even agreed to go
couch shopping at the mall.

The mall?!

That place is crawling with hot chicks.

So, I'll just play it safe
and not look at any women.

No, you can still look.

You just gotta learn to rubberneck.

"Rubberneck?"
What's that?

We'll tell you, but you
gotta keep it a secret.

Women can never find out
about rubbernecking.

New black intern:
Kick it.

Rubbernecking is the art of
checking out women on the sly.

And if you do it right,
you'll never get caught.

♪ Well...

♪ My name's Mcgee

♪ And soon you'll see

♪ If you wanna rubberneck

♪ Just listen to me

♪ Because a peek don't hurt ♪

♪ If you wanna scout skirt,
you have to be covert ♪

♪ Listen up, you squirt

♪ Well, my name is Jackson

♪ My technique's the purest

♪ When I wanna scout girls

♪ I pretend I'm a tourist

♪ You look around like you're super lost ♪

♪ Hold up a map, now you're
peeking like a boss. ♪

Yeah... I guess when I'm lost,
I do look everywhere.

♪ My name is Sanders and I don't lie ♪

♪ The best way to peek

♪ Say there's
something in your eye. ♪

Wow... smooth.

♪ Well, my name is Tiny Dick

♪ And I have a little trick

♪ To look at a lady

♪ So she don't think I'm shady

♪ I pretend that I'm dead

♪ And I lie on a gurney

♪ When the nurses come up

♪ I do the Weekend at Bernie's ♪

♪ Never forget, women like to judge ♪

♪ Go on, give that cattiness a nudge ♪

♪ So tell your woman that you hate a girl ♪

♪ And you can stare while
all that hate unfurls. ♪

Hey, Francine,
look at that terrible outfit.

Yeah, she looks like a hooker.

Hooker, hooker, hooker...

♪ When you wanna take a look,
hold up a book ♪

♪ A newspaper will do
to look at some boobs ♪

♪ I think you're ready to join the crew ♪

♪ Because you're rubbernecking

♪ With the best

♪ Rubbernecking with the best

♪ Because you're rubbernecking

♪ With the best

♪ Rubbernecking with the best.

New couch!

Klaus, get in here!

This better be important.

I'm crank calling my aunt in Düsseldorf.

She's on.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to kill you.

Okay, what now?

A new couch!

It feels like I'm floating.

Well, I took a long enough
lunch; better go back to work.

Listen, Stan...

I'm sorry I got so paranoid last night.

There were beautiful women
all over the mall today

and you didn't even notice.

You're talking about that redhead, right?

Either way, you should know
I only have eyes for you.

You know, Klaus,

I've been saving something
for an occasion just like this.

This bottle of wine was
a gift from Julia Child...

to Liz Taylor.

I stole it when I worked
at the post office.

Yes, red wine, the deepest
staining of all the wines.

To our new couch.

That was a terrible toast.

Could've been about any couch.

Let's try again.

To our new, pristine, white couch.

Blech! Ooh! It's turned.

That is bad wine.

That is real bad wine.

Never keep wine in the car.

I knew it and I did it anyway.

Oh, no, the couch.

The cushions are sewn in.

We can't flip them.

Stan will kill us!

What are we gonna do?!

We'll just have to sit here forever.

That's brilliant!

Oh, isn't it crazy how worried
we were a moment ago?

Well, hello, hot jogger.

♪ Rubbernecking...

Might as well get some
photo proof for the boys

while I'm here.

Not doing anything wrong.

Just looking for a signal.

Definitely not zooming in to see

if you're wearing underpants.

Some from the back
and don't forget the rack.

Damn it, if Francine finds out I crashed

because I was rubbernecking,
I'm a dead man.

My back hurts and I used
to have a great back!

What the hell were you looking at?

Nothing.
I must've lingered on a blink.

Are you okay?

Do you need help?

Get out of here!
You've done enough!

Nice.

Oh, my God, what happened to you?!

Oh, I got in a car accident,
Francine, but don't worry,

luckily I've had enough time to remember

the exact truth of what happened.

Oh, you poor thing.
Come rest your bloody head

right here underneath where I'm sitting.

You see, I was driving responsibly

with my eyes on the road,
when a dog jumped out.

I saved his life by swerving.

He made eye contact as he ran away.

No words exchanged,
he wasn't a talking dog,

but in that moment,
I knew he thought me a hero.

Well, come on.
With a head trauma like this,

you should get right into bed.

It's like they say, "Starve a
fever, sleep a concussion."

How'd you sleep?

Lousy.

Do I have tank head?

Did you guys spend the night on the couch?

Yes.

We are, um...

trying to set the world record
for longest continuous

couch-sitting
in Smith household history.

Good one, Klaus.

Mr. Smith,
my name is Heinrich Brown.

Okay!

I'm from your insurance company

and I'm here to review
the details of your accident.

Anyway, I was hoping to talk to you

about exactly how your accident went down.

Of course!
Of cour... of course.

Come in. Come in.

Hope you like nothin', 'cause
that's what I got to hide.

Hey, do you mind if we meet in the kitchen?

My-my fish,
and this...

little girl are trying to set
a couch-sitting record.

You don't remember me?

I'm Jean-Louise Finch.

You brought us some molasses
one foggy morning, remember?

So... yeah, let's-let's
go to the kitchen.

Thank you once more for this delicious...

glass of milk.

Now, Mr. Smith, before I start,
I want to remind you

that insurance fraud is a felony,

punishable by serious jail time.

Your sworn statement says you swerved

because a dog jumped in front of your car?

Are you sure that's
what caused the accident?

Why wouldn't he be sure?

I don't know, Mrs. Smith.

It's not my job to know
what caused the accident.

It's my job to find out.

And then, after that... to know.

He keeps drinking, but there's
always the same amount of milk!

Thank you again,
Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

I will return this glass
when I am done with my milk.

Oh, don't return it, just put
it down when you're done.

If I was meant to have it,
it'll find its way back to me.

And Mr. Smith, please know that
if you are hiding anything,

anything at all, I will sniff it out.

It's an ability of mine.

For instance...

your fish and that Southern tomboy

are hiding a wine stain on your couch.

What?! Is that true?!

It was Klaus, he spilled the wine!

He said if I told you, AI'd be next!

♪ Hey, yo, insurance is not a game ♪

♪ You know what I'm saying?

♪ I'm a dog. Here we go

♪ Radio edit

♪ Yo, let's do this

♪ Hey, yo, if you commit fraud

♪ You gon' be paying to God

♪ If you fake your wreck

♪ We gon' break your neck

♪ Cover your tracks well

♪ I'll use my sense to smell

♪ And all of a sudden

♪ Your permanent hotel is goin' be jail ♪

♪ I'm a fraud sniff in' dog

♪ Make you squeal like a hog

♪ If I see fraudulence

♪ I pull a de-liverence

♪ And when I find out

♪ You'll lose that
safe driver discount! ♪

♪ Discount, discount, discount

♪ Yo

♪ Earthquakes are not covered

♪ Under the home insurance plan, bitch ♪

♪ Yo, we do not cover acts of God ♪

♪ I am an act of God ♪

♪ Yo, you just remember

♪ You want fire coverage

♪ It's a separate policy

♪ The zip code affects your premium ♪

♪ Yo, I ain't a good neighbor

♪ I banged your wife

♪ And you ain't in good hands

♪ Because I'll take your life.

I'll tell you what I told Verne Troyer:

if the sidecar comes unattached,
it's a separate vehicle

and it's not covered.

Heinrich!

Wh-What, wh-what
are you doing here?

Mr. Smith.

I was about to close your case,

but one small, easily-answered
question arose.

It-it... it did?

Yes, you said a dog ran in front
of your car.

But in this traffic camera photo,

the only thing I see is a fox.

She's quite beautiful.

Did she happen to catch your eye?

Oh, I don't... I don't pay
attention to joggers

when I'm driving. No, th-they're
like pedestrians to me.

I'm just gonna come out and say it:

I think you were rubbernecking.

With the best.

But I unfortunately have no evidence.

So I'm gonna have to close your case.

As long as I don't find anything
at the routine inspection

of your vehicle at the body shop.

Well, looks like we're in the clear.

He's not gonna find anything.
The only evidence

is some pictures of that jogger
in my phone.

Which I haven't even looked at
since the accident

because my phone's in my car.

You brought him in here, you bastard!

Rubbernecking is all I have!

Get down there and clean up your mess!

'Twas beauty killed the beast.

Mr. Smith, how odd
to see you here.

Have you inspected the car?

Everywhere but under the driver's seat.

I always save that...
for dessert.

Nothing.

Mr. Smith,
I'm a proud man

but not too proud to admit when I'm beaten.

I'm very proud of that.

Good-bye forever,
Mr. Smith.

My glass!

Aw...

Stan? I lied, Stan.

Klaus didn't spill
the wine... we both did.

I had to tell you 'cause it's the truth.

And if we ain't got no truth
in this world, what do we have?

Damn lies.

You're not Stan.
How'd you get Stan's phone?

What else of Stan's do you have?

Let's sell it all and split the dough.

We're in this together.
Don't you dare double-cross me!

Just as I suspected.

Your crash was caused by rubbernecking.

Mr. Smith, you're under arrest
for insurance fraud.

Oh, my God, what happened?

I was checking out a hot
chick in a news copter.

See? He told the truth.

And everyone's the better for it.

I'd like to purchase...

some life insurance.

Are you a smoker?

Only when I drink.

Steve, why isn't your mother here?

She's hurt, Dad.

She's so upset about your rubbernecking

she's not even coming to your trial.

And I got to say, I don't blame her.

It's time to wake up, Stan.

♪ It's time to stand up and be a man ♪

♪ Be the husband that you told her you ♪

♪ Were gonna be forever

♪ Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today ♪

♪ But I can't see what's wrong with you ♪

♪ You got a wife, a hot one, too ♪

♪ But if you keep on looking,
you won't end up together ♪

♪ Oh, my God

♪ Is she not hot enough

♪ For you, Dad?

♪ I can't believe ♪

♪ That you can't see ♪

♪ Those lips, hips and face

♪ Body's all over the place

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Damn, that's my mama ♪ That's his mama ♪

♪ Damn, if that wasn't my mama ♪

♪ Stan, you know it's not fair

♪ Why you looking at some other ho ♪

♪ When she's got the milky
breasts and silky hair ♪

♪ Helen Keller, open your eyes

♪ You got the perfect wife

♪ The time inside her

♪ Was the best damn nine months
of my life ♪

♪ Is she not hot enough

♪ For you, Dad?

♪ I can't believe ♪

♪ Ooh, oh, my God, oh, my God
♪ That you can't see ♪

♪ Now I'm thinking maybe she's

♪ Just too hot

♪ For someone

- ♪ As blind as you...
- Steve!

Seriously, this isn't a great
place not to be wearing a shirt.

Let him sing!

All right.

Mr. Smith, you will be judged
by a jury of your peers,

who just happen to all be

married women around your wife's age.

Mr. Smith, this is a photo not
of the dog you claimed to avoid

but of an admittedly attractive jogger

that you took at the time of your accident.

And here is a photo of your wife.

With a wife this attractive,

why were you looking at another woman?

Are you some kind of deviant?

What? No.

Looking at other women
is normal. It's...

Mr. Smith?

You were saying?

No, I-I-I don't,
I don't think I was.

Come on, Mr. Smith.
Admit it.

You're a sex-crazed maniac,
no better than a U.S. senator.

How dare you!

I am a lot of things, but not a senator!

Then why were you taking these photos?!

Because I was rubbernecking!

All men do it!

I don't.

You're a dead man, Smith!

You are gonna die!

I don't know where or when,

but each of us has to go in our own time!

Is that even a threat?

Order! Order!

The gallery will refrain

from shouting out existential truisms!

Listen, I know I'm a judge

and I'm supposed to make sure
you get a fair trial,

but everyone in here
should be disgusted with you.

If my wife looked like yours,
I'd never take my eyes off her.

Oh, you wouldn't, would you?

Wait, Your Honor, can I ask
the court for a quick recess?

Didn't really wait for my answer...

Steve, take this to your mother.

She doesn't want to hear it, Dad.

She won't have to hear it.
She'll have to read it.

Just make sure she does.

Whatever.

20 minute recess.

Dick.

Oh...

Well, I forgot where we were,

so I guess, Mr. Smith,
you have the floor.

You're a bad judge.

Well, I'm not the one on trial, am I?

Am I?

Proceed.

Your Honor, I'd like
to call to the stand...

Francine Smith.

Busted!

Rubbernecking! Rubbernecking!

Rubberne...

Rubbernecking!

You were all rubbernecking!

See? I told you! All men do it.

But that doesn't make us bad guys.

It's like I said in my note, Francine.

I may look at other women, but...

it doesn't mean I love you any less.

My eyes may wander, but my
heart always comes home.

Oh, Stan.

Well, to be completely honest,
when I walked in here,

it felt kind of good being looked at.

♪ Yo, fellas, so what my girl
wants to wear a short skirt? ♪

♪ It be hot in Virginia

♪ I'm gonna wear a skirt

♪ Me, too, I want to be seen

♪ You look like a prostitute
but it's not obscene ♪

♪ If I got the goods
and my body's rocking ♪

♪ Ain't nothing wrong
with window-shopping ♪

♪ I get looked at all the time ♪

♪ Tons and tons and tons of times ♪

♪ How much is normal
to get looked at? ♪

♪ You can double that

♪ That's how much I get looked at ♪

♪ It's pretty annoying sometimes ♪

♪ But you live with it
when you're hecka good-looking ♪

♪ See, rubbernecking just ain't no crime ♪

♪ We're doing it just to pass the time ♪

♪ We might look but you'll go
home with only me ♪

♪ My eyes may wander

♪ But my heart comes home

♪ Comes home, comes home ♪
♪ My eyes may wander

♪ But my heart comes home

♪ Comes home, comes home ♪
♪ If Francine wasn't my mama

♪ Lord, you know
I'd try to bone... ♪

Come on, Steve.

♪ Lord, I've learned my lesson

♪ Lord, I've learned my lesson ♪

♪ Lord, we've learned our lesson ♪

♪ Tonight!

That was a lot of fun to sing.

But unfortunately, Mr. Smith,

you're on trial for insurance fraud,

which you definitely did.

I hereby sentence you
to six years in prison.

Lucky!

We need a new couch!

Bye! Have a beautiful time.