American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 16 - She Swill Survive - full transcript
Stan turns Hayley into a helpless drunk in an effort to help him reach Bullock's inner circle, and Klaus shares German folk tales with Steve and Snot.
Aah!
♪ Good morning, USA!
(brakes squeak)
(door opens)
Stan, what are you doing home?
It's only 4:00.
They all went bowling.
Who did?
Bullock and his Inner Circle.
Well, why don't you ask to be
in the Inner Circle?
I did.
Sir?
(wind whistling)
Smith, what are you doing here?
Can I be in the Inner Circle?
No! And shut the door.
Taxpayers are paying top dollar
for this wind.
All the agents in
the Inner Circle
were flying like
birds, Francine,
and I was just standing
there on the ground,
like a stupid mammal.
Well, I don't think
you're a mammal.
Morning, guys.
Morning? You
better be talking
about former Charlotte
Hornet Alonzo Mourning,
because it's 4:00
in the afternoon.
You can't possibly
just be getting up.
Whatevs.
Mom, hands, eggs, make.
You, hold it right there.
You, make your own eggs.
You, stay beautiful.
I don't know how to make eggs.
Mom always makes my breakfast.
Oh, my God.
You can't make food,
you sleep all day,
you barely form
complete sentences.
What are you talking me at?
You have no survival skills.
Oh, don't be so overdramatic.
Someday, we are
gonna die, Francine.
You sooner than me, probably,
with all that string
cheese you eat,
but we're both gonna go,
and when we do,
this girl right here is not
qualified to be anything
other than a stripper
or a crack whore
or a-a...
Oh, I was sure
there was a third.
Uh, stripper, crack
whore, grocery bagger?
No, no, that's a
noble profession.
I have plenty
of survival skills.
The prove it.
Effective immediately,
you are gonna start paying
rent around here, young lady.
How am I supposed
to afford that?
You've got survival
skills; figure it out.
Go be something other than
a stripper or a crack whore
or a-a... or a...
Oh, God, that is so annoying.
Uh, stay-at-home mom.
It was right in front
of me the whole time.
(rock music playing)
Thanks for the bartending job,
Roger.
My dad is insisting I pay rent.
I don't blame him.
Somebody's got to pay
for all this neon,
and it's not gonna be me.
All my money goes to
experimental VD treatments.
Anyway, now that
you're a bartender,
people are gonna share a
lot of things with you,
and the better listener you are,
the better tips you'll get.
Except for Carlos.
He's gonna offer you a tip.
You don't want that tip.
That tip is connected
to his body.
KLAUS: I am so excited to
share Das Boot with you.
This is the greatest
German movie of all time.
If you don't count
the Hindenburg footage.
(speaking German)
(chuckles)
What's so funny?
They're just eating dinner.
It's a reference to Das Kleines
Madchen und Der Zwergenhafter.
The Little Girl
and the Little Person?
No idea.
What?
You don't know
the famous German fairy tale
The Little Girl
and the Little Person?
You can't fully
appreciate this movie
without knowing this story.
(clears throat)
Once upon a time,
there was a little girl
with hair as golden
as sauerkraut.
Das Madchen was taking
her beloved schnauzer
for a walk one day,
when she came
upon a little person
toiling in the fields.
STEVE:
Why am I the little girl?
SNOT: And why am I
the little person?
KLAUS: Because German kinder
do what they're told!
Now shut up and listen!
Suddenly, the little person
saw an eagle
soaring overhead.
Achtung, an eagle.
The little girl cowered,
since we all know
what natural sworn enemies
schnauzers and eagles are.
STEVE:
Wait, why schnauzers and eagles
be natural sworn enemies?
What?!
You don't know the
story of the schnauzer
who stole the eagle's worm?
Well, now I have to tell
you that story first,
because you can't
get the other story
without knowing this story.
(inhales sharply)
Once upon a time...
SNOT:
Oh, God.
Stan, I know you want Hayley
to learn to take care
of herself,
but is Roger's bar
the healthiest environment
for her?
Will you go up there
and see if she's okay?
Spy on Hayley? Sure.
It's been years
since I've gone undercover.
Let me refresh myself
on my special skills.
(Jamaican accent):
Oye, dis'll be as easy
as rolling a spliff
in Kingston Town, mon.
♪
(rock music playing)
How do you do that, man?
(lips smacking)
Good Lord, Francine is right.
I can't let Hayley work here.
BULLOCK: Want to know
what I really think?
Agents don't have
any style anymore.
If some agent today were
to have the sense of élan
to walk into my office
wearing a pocket square,
what I wouldn't do for that man.
Maybe even let him
into the Inner Circle?
I'll have another.
And pour one for yourself.
Sorry, on the clock.
Ah, but I insist.
Okay, why not?
(sighs)
Don't get too drunk, Avery.
I know you're a guy
with a lot of secrets,
and, you know, loose lips.
You're my bartender.
If I can't share
with you, who can I?
I might even tell you
my favorite animal.
I'll give you a hint.
Meow.
Francine, what the hell
is a pocket square?
What?
It's a decorative kerchief.
Who cares?
How was the bar?
Is Hayley gonna be okay
working up there?
Huh? Oh, oh, great bar.
Great bar, classy bar.
(gunshots, screaming)
ROGER: Free drinks for everyone
who saw him threaten me.
Great bar.
All right, pocket square,
time to work your magic.
This is Rihanna.
This is Katy Perry.
This is Selena Gomez.
All right, that completes
today's hotties.
Smith,
this meeting
doesn't concern you.
If we need...
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to use
a harsh tone there.
Would you step
into my office, please?
We're not to be disturbed.
Unless you see something
funny on YouTube.
Smith, I had no idea you
rock it in the pocket.
Feast your eyes.
(beeps)
(gasps)
You like pocket squares, too?
I do. In fact,
the first time I wore one,
I was at Buzz Aldrin's
bachelor party.
Oh, you're not in
the Inner Circle,
but keep up the good work.
Sir, come quick.
Some frat boys put sunglasses
on a bulldog,
and he's walking around
to "Bad to the Bone."
AGENT: They're pulling
him in a wagon now!
Hayley?
Hey, button-nose,
time to get up.
Got to get ready for work.
(groans) Not feeling so good.
So, listen,
I couldn't help but notice
that Bullock was in the bar
last night.
Any fun stories or anything?
Dad, I can't tell you that.
Bartender's code.
Oh, no, no, of course.
You don't need to tell me
about codes.
Morse, da Vinci,
I follow them all.
Now get up.
Important people need
to unload their secrets on you.
But I'm-I'm just
so hungover.
Bullock's there every night,
and he always insists
that I drink with him.
Oh, maybe I should just
get a different job.
What? Oh, no, no, no.
Come on now,
that's where you're working.
Now, let's not have
any silly talk
of you quitting that job.
Quitting is for Realtors
before they become Realtors.
I'll leave you with that.
(birds twittering, bird squawks)
KLAUS: And so the Frog King
said to the Burgermeister...
STEVE: At long last,
Herr Frederick,
what gift have you
brought for me?
SNOT:
The only gift I have, mein King,
is the gift of Liebenspiel.
(frogs croaking)
KLAUS: The end.
SNOT:
I know I'm gonna regret this,
but what exactly is Liebenspiel?
What?!
You don't know the
meaning of Liebenspiel?
Stop asking questions!
We've been listening
to these stupid stories forever.
I can't take another day
off school.
(indistinct crowd chatter)
Hey, button-nose.
Now, don't worry.
I'm not gonna ask you to
break the bartender's code.
I just thought I'd
bring you some flowers
to show how proud I am of you.
(mic feedback squeals)
Don't water these.
Aw, thank you.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Hayley, are you drunk?
Hey, I'm just doing
what you told me to do.
I'm doing my job.
Well, maybe your mother's right.
Maybe this isn't the healthiest
environment for you.
You should quit.
BULLOCK: Hello. (gasps)
But you're clearly
too legit to quit.
Hey, hey!
Barkeep, line them up.
BULLOCK (slurring):
Hayley, did I ever tell you
about the time I murdered
the entire Bolshoi ballet?
It was also the weekend
I discovered Crocs.
♪
♪
♪
And now I'd like to welcome
the newest member
of our Inner Circle,
Stan Smith.
That means you're out,
Quackenbush.
Well, we got the chair right.
There's just the small matter
of the ceiling.
Hayley?
I knew this was a mistake.
Hayley, get up!
(slurring): I am showing
Dad I'm responsible.
When did I eat vomit?
Hayley, you have a problem!
Oh, you want to go, bitch?
Let's go!
Ooh, shiny!
Hey, that's my badass Stingray!
Hayley, are you okay?!
Lucky she's drunk.
When you're drunk,
your body goes limp
so you don't get hurt when you fall.
Really?
Oh, yeah, that's how Gary Busey
did all his own stunts.
(tires squeal)
Hayley, stop!
Please come back!
(tires squeal)
Nice...
Nice...
(steam hissing)
(slurring):
My bumper car's not working.
Lucky you were drunk.
When you're drunk,
your body goes limp
and you don't get hurt
when you crash.
Really?
Yeah, that's how
I did my stunts.
Hey, you stepped in
something, Quackenbush!
(all laugh)
(phone rings)
Hello?
FRANCINE:
Stan, Hayley's in rehab.
Hayley's in rehab?! Hold on.
I'm in the Inner Circle,
Hayley's out of the house.
There's no downside.
Wait-- whose car did she crash?
Roger's.
Great, bye.
Rehab, eh?
Hey, we'd like to rent Das Boot.
Whoa! That's so weird.
Some orange dude
just came in here
and rented our last two copies.
Klaus! We just wanted
to watch the movie
without having to listen
to all your Germanic folktales.
Yes, you two always try
to take the easy way out.
Just like the story of Die
Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick.
What's that story?
What?!
Stoner video clerk,
you don't know the story of
Die Krankenschwester
und Der Augenblick?!
(both groan)
Bro. Bro, bro,
bro, bro...
are you Nemo?
People are looking for you, bro.
Attention, Inner Circle.
Hayley Smith has
just entered rehab.
This is her.
She has classified intel.
I have no idea
how she obtained it,
but as part of her treatment,
she'll no doubt be forced
to open up
to a bunch
of loose-lipped drunks.
Therefore,
she must be eliminated.
(gasps)
Oh, right, Smith.
Still not used to you being in
the Inner Circle.
(chuckles)
Of course we won't be
killing your daughter.
Just a little joke there.
But seriously, could
you leave the room?
Uh... sure.
No problem.
I was joking about joking.
The killing of Hayley Smith
is very much on.
I'll tell you what
else is still on...
our afternoon pants trading.
Gentlemen?
Can I get your underpants, too?
Mine are... kinda gross.
I need to see my daughter!
I'm sorry, sir,
I'm afraid it's patients only
beyond this point.
Oh, what am I talking about?
I don't have a daughter.
I'm drunk! I need help!
There's no way I should
be behind the wheel!
Listen to how I'm
slurring my words.
Sir, that's
not convincing at all.
I'm telling you, I'm a menace!
Argh!
Sir, now you're
just doing a pirate.
Damn it!
(tires screech)
(steam hissing)
That's it!
Now get in there,
ya drunk son of a bitch!
Hey, aren't you The Most
Interesting Man in the World?
What are you doing here?
I don't always drink beer,
but when I do,
I drink to excess.
Dad?
Hayley?
Oh, my God! I just
remembered why I'm here!
Oh, good. Then perhaps you could
share it with the rest of us.
Dr. Penguin?
What are you doing here?
I run this group.
I've had my own issues
with substance abuse,
and the cash I make
from this gig helps me
to continue to have them.
So... Stan,
why are you here?
Because my daughter knows all
these secrets about the CIA,
and they're sending people
to have her killed!
What?!
That's right!
We have to get you out of here!
Stan, look at me.
Why are you here?
I just told you!
Stan...
why are you here?
Because I'm no good.
I pushed my daughter
to become a drunk
just so I could
get ahead at work.
And I didn't even prepare
her for life.
She can't even take care
of herself!
I'm a terrible father!
(sobs)
There we go.
Dad, that's not true.
You're a great father.
Oh, you're just saying that
because you're so stupid.
(sobbing)
See, people?
We're all about
breaking down walls here.
(explosion)
Go, go, go!
No, stop, stop, stop!
Tell me, friend, how did breaking
down that wall make you feel?
Sir, I don't have time for...
(sobs): If only I could have broken
down the wall between me and my ex,
I might still see my kids!
(sobbing)
Oh, God.
They call Ron "Dad".
This is good.
This is healthy.
I'm creating a connection.
And a diversion.
Run, you idiot!
♪
This way!
Hayley, what did you do?
We have nowhere to go!
Yes, we do.
We're gonna drink this,
and then we're gonna
jump off the roof,
but we're gonna be fine,
because our bodies'll go limp.
This is a terrible idea.
Drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink!
(slurring): This was,
this was a great idea!
I know, right?!
(engine idling)
Ooh, grab-grab that cab.
Hey, so what's the
craziest thing you ever...
has ever happened in this cab?
So-so how many
hours did...? Sir?
How many, how long ago
when you...?
(tires squeal)
Did the cabbie survive?
No. The damn fool
was driving sober!
We gotta find a place to hide!
We-we need a parade.
When-when's
Chinese New Year?
Or we could just go
in that Dumpster.
STAN:
Mmm, do you smell that?
Oh, my God,
this must be the Dumpster
for a pancake house.
Mmm. How good are these?
So... good.
Oh, my God, I had...
My friend went to Vegas once,
and he said that he has found,
he found a place with, that has,
like, the best pancakes.
Hey, it's the guys
from your office!
Oh, right!
Leave it!
We don't have time!
(wind whistling)
You know what's crazy?
This already happened
for people in Europe.
(tires squeal)
We're trapped!
I'm really scared.
See, this is why you should
never eat lobsters.
Why?
'Cause-'cause they get,
they get caught in a trap.
I'm sorry it had
to come to this, Smith.
All right, Hayley,
where do you want it?
In the face.
Yeah!
But before you do this,
you might be interested
to know that I wrote down
all those dirty little secrets
that you told me at the bar:
the Nepal slaughter,
the Copenhagen incident,
the nuclear war in Chicago.
We can't let that get out!
It's all in a manila envelope
with strict instructions
that if anything happens to me,
it will be released to every
major newspaper in America!
So?
And to the Internet.
(gasps)
Well played, young Smith.
As for you, old Smith,
you're out of the Inner Circle.
Please forget
the Wi-Fi password.
That was amazing!
Hayley, do you realize
what this means?
It means you can
take care of yourself!
You're gonna be just
fine after all!
I told you!
Ah, button-nose.
You ready to go home?
You bet.
(loud crash, car alarm wails)
Hi, I'm Nicholas Vanderbilt,
the actor who plays Stan Smith.
(Australian accent): And I'm
Kate Fagan, aka Hayley.
You know, we've had
some fun tonight
suggesting drunken people
are less likely
to be injured
in falls and crashes.
The dark reality is
that alcohol makes
each of these far more
likely... and deadly.
So, please, if you're going
to crash a car
or jump off a building,
do it sober.
Hang in there.
You are loved and
you are special.
Good night.
(boys sobbing)
That was amazing!
And so much more meaningful
with all the
cultural references.
I told you.
There's only one thing
I don't understand.
Why were they all fighting
in the first place?
Yeah. What-what was
that all about?
What?! You don't know why
the Americans and Germans were
fighting in World War II?!
Nobody knows.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
♪ Good morning, USA!
(brakes squeak)
(door opens)
Stan, what are you doing home?
It's only 4:00.
They all went bowling.
Who did?
Bullock and his Inner Circle.
Well, why don't you ask to be
in the Inner Circle?
I did.
Sir?
(wind whistling)
Smith, what are you doing here?
Can I be in the Inner Circle?
No! And shut the door.
Taxpayers are paying top dollar
for this wind.
All the agents in
the Inner Circle
were flying like
birds, Francine,
and I was just standing
there on the ground,
like a stupid mammal.
Well, I don't think
you're a mammal.
Morning, guys.
Morning? You
better be talking
about former Charlotte
Hornet Alonzo Mourning,
because it's 4:00
in the afternoon.
You can't possibly
just be getting up.
Whatevs.
Mom, hands, eggs, make.
You, hold it right there.
You, make your own eggs.
You, stay beautiful.
I don't know how to make eggs.
Mom always makes my breakfast.
Oh, my God.
You can't make food,
you sleep all day,
you barely form
complete sentences.
What are you talking me at?
You have no survival skills.
Oh, don't be so overdramatic.
Someday, we are
gonna die, Francine.
You sooner than me, probably,
with all that string
cheese you eat,
but we're both gonna go,
and when we do,
this girl right here is not
qualified to be anything
other than a stripper
or a crack whore
or a-a...
Oh, I was sure
there was a third.
Uh, stripper, crack
whore, grocery bagger?
No, no, that's a
noble profession.
I have plenty
of survival skills.
The prove it.
Effective immediately,
you are gonna start paying
rent around here, young lady.
How am I supposed
to afford that?
You've got survival
skills; figure it out.
Go be something other than
a stripper or a crack whore
or a-a... or a...
Oh, God, that is so annoying.
Uh, stay-at-home mom.
It was right in front
of me the whole time.
(rock music playing)
Thanks for the bartending job,
Roger.
My dad is insisting I pay rent.
I don't blame him.
Somebody's got to pay
for all this neon,
and it's not gonna be me.
All my money goes to
experimental VD treatments.
Anyway, now that
you're a bartender,
people are gonna share a
lot of things with you,
and the better listener you are,
the better tips you'll get.
Except for Carlos.
He's gonna offer you a tip.
You don't want that tip.
That tip is connected
to his body.
KLAUS: I am so excited to
share Das Boot with you.
This is the greatest
German movie of all time.
If you don't count
the Hindenburg footage.
(speaking German)
(chuckles)
What's so funny?
They're just eating dinner.
It's a reference to Das Kleines
Madchen und Der Zwergenhafter.
The Little Girl
and the Little Person?
No idea.
What?
You don't know
the famous German fairy tale
The Little Girl
and the Little Person?
You can't fully
appreciate this movie
without knowing this story.
(clears throat)
Once upon a time,
there was a little girl
with hair as golden
as sauerkraut.
Das Madchen was taking
her beloved schnauzer
for a walk one day,
when she came
upon a little person
toiling in the fields.
STEVE:
Why am I the little girl?
SNOT: And why am I
the little person?
KLAUS: Because German kinder
do what they're told!
Now shut up and listen!
Suddenly, the little person
saw an eagle
soaring overhead.
Achtung, an eagle.
The little girl cowered,
since we all know
what natural sworn enemies
schnauzers and eagles are.
STEVE:
Wait, why schnauzers and eagles
be natural sworn enemies?
What?!
You don't know the
story of the schnauzer
who stole the eagle's worm?
Well, now I have to tell
you that story first,
because you can't
get the other story
without knowing this story.
(inhales sharply)
Once upon a time...
SNOT:
Oh, God.
Stan, I know you want Hayley
to learn to take care
of herself,
but is Roger's bar
the healthiest environment
for her?
Will you go up there
and see if she's okay?
Spy on Hayley? Sure.
It's been years
since I've gone undercover.
Let me refresh myself
on my special skills.
(Jamaican accent):
Oye, dis'll be as easy
as rolling a spliff
in Kingston Town, mon.
♪
(rock music playing)
How do you do that, man?
(lips smacking)
Good Lord, Francine is right.
I can't let Hayley work here.
BULLOCK: Want to know
what I really think?
Agents don't have
any style anymore.
If some agent today were
to have the sense of élan
to walk into my office
wearing a pocket square,
what I wouldn't do for that man.
Maybe even let him
into the Inner Circle?
I'll have another.
And pour one for yourself.
Sorry, on the clock.
Ah, but I insist.
Okay, why not?
(sighs)
Don't get too drunk, Avery.
I know you're a guy
with a lot of secrets,
and, you know, loose lips.
You're my bartender.
If I can't share
with you, who can I?
I might even tell you
my favorite animal.
I'll give you a hint.
Meow.
Francine, what the hell
is a pocket square?
What?
It's a decorative kerchief.
Who cares?
How was the bar?
Is Hayley gonna be okay
working up there?
Huh? Oh, oh, great bar.
Great bar, classy bar.
(gunshots, screaming)
ROGER: Free drinks for everyone
who saw him threaten me.
Great bar.
All right, pocket square,
time to work your magic.
This is Rihanna.
This is Katy Perry.
This is Selena Gomez.
All right, that completes
today's hotties.
Smith,
this meeting
doesn't concern you.
If we need...
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to use
a harsh tone there.
Would you step
into my office, please?
We're not to be disturbed.
Unless you see something
funny on YouTube.
Smith, I had no idea you
rock it in the pocket.
Feast your eyes.
(beeps)
(gasps)
You like pocket squares, too?
I do. In fact,
the first time I wore one,
I was at Buzz Aldrin's
bachelor party.
Oh, you're not in
the Inner Circle,
but keep up the good work.
Sir, come quick.
Some frat boys put sunglasses
on a bulldog,
and he's walking around
to "Bad to the Bone."
AGENT: They're pulling
him in a wagon now!
Hayley?
Hey, button-nose,
time to get up.
Got to get ready for work.
(groans) Not feeling so good.
So, listen,
I couldn't help but notice
that Bullock was in the bar
last night.
Any fun stories or anything?
Dad, I can't tell you that.
Bartender's code.
Oh, no, no, of course.
You don't need to tell me
about codes.
Morse, da Vinci,
I follow them all.
Now get up.
Important people need
to unload their secrets on you.
But I'm-I'm just
so hungover.
Bullock's there every night,
and he always insists
that I drink with him.
Oh, maybe I should just
get a different job.
What? Oh, no, no, no.
Come on now,
that's where you're working.
Now, let's not have
any silly talk
of you quitting that job.
Quitting is for Realtors
before they become Realtors.
I'll leave you with that.
(birds twittering, bird squawks)
KLAUS: And so the Frog King
said to the Burgermeister...
STEVE: At long last,
Herr Frederick,
what gift have you
brought for me?
SNOT:
The only gift I have, mein King,
is the gift of Liebenspiel.
(frogs croaking)
KLAUS: The end.
SNOT:
I know I'm gonna regret this,
but what exactly is Liebenspiel?
What?!
You don't know the
meaning of Liebenspiel?
Stop asking questions!
We've been listening
to these stupid stories forever.
I can't take another day
off school.
(indistinct crowd chatter)
Hey, button-nose.
Now, don't worry.
I'm not gonna ask you to
break the bartender's code.
I just thought I'd
bring you some flowers
to show how proud I am of you.
(mic feedback squeals)
Don't water these.
Aw, thank you.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Hayley, are you drunk?
Hey, I'm just doing
what you told me to do.
I'm doing my job.
Well, maybe your mother's right.
Maybe this isn't the healthiest
environment for you.
You should quit.
BULLOCK: Hello. (gasps)
But you're clearly
too legit to quit.
Hey, hey!
Barkeep, line them up.
BULLOCK (slurring):
Hayley, did I ever tell you
about the time I murdered
the entire Bolshoi ballet?
It was also the weekend
I discovered Crocs.
♪
♪
♪
And now I'd like to welcome
the newest member
of our Inner Circle,
Stan Smith.
That means you're out,
Quackenbush.
Well, we got the chair right.
There's just the small matter
of the ceiling.
Hayley?
I knew this was a mistake.
Hayley, get up!
(slurring): I am showing
Dad I'm responsible.
When did I eat vomit?
Hayley, you have a problem!
Oh, you want to go, bitch?
Let's go!
Ooh, shiny!
Hey, that's my badass Stingray!
Hayley, are you okay?!
Lucky she's drunk.
When you're drunk,
your body goes limp
so you don't get hurt when you fall.
Really?
Oh, yeah, that's how Gary Busey
did all his own stunts.
(tires squeal)
Hayley, stop!
Please come back!
(tires squeal)
Nice...
Nice...
(steam hissing)
(slurring):
My bumper car's not working.
Lucky you were drunk.
When you're drunk,
your body goes limp
and you don't get hurt
when you crash.
Really?
Yeah, that's how
I did my stunts.
Hey, you stepped in
something, Quackenbush!
(all laugh)
(phone rings)
Hello?
FRANCINE:
Stan, Hayley's in rehab.
Hayley's in rehab?! Hold on.
I'm in the Inner Circle,
Hayley's out of the house.
There's no downside.
Wait-- whose car did she crash?
Roger's.
Great, bye.
Rehab, eh?
Hey, we'd like to rent Das Boot.
Whoa! That's so weird.
Some orange dude
just came in here
and rented our last two copies.
Klaus! We just wanted
to watch the movie
without having to listen
to all your Germanic folktales.
Yes, you two always try
to take the easy way out.
Just like the story of Die
Krankenschwester und Der Augenblick.
What's that story?
What?!
Stoner video clerk,
you don't know the story of
Die Krankenschwester
und Der Augenblick?!
(both groan)
Bro. Bro, bro,
bro, bro...
are you Nemo?
People are looking for you, bro.
Attention, Inner Circle.
Hayley Smith has
just entered rehab.
This is her.
She has classified intel.
I have no idea
how she obtained it,
but as part of her treatment,
she'll no doubt be forced
to open up
to a bunch
of loose-lipped drunks.
Therefore,
she must be eliminated.
(gasps)
Oh, right, Smith.
Still not used to you being in
the Inner Circle.
(chuckles)
Of course we won't be
killing your daughter.
Just a little joke there.
But seriously, could
you leave the room?
Uh... sure.
No problem.
I was joking about joking.
The killing of Hayley Smith
is very much on.
I'll tell you what
else is still on...
our afternoon pants trading.
Gentlemen?
Can I get your underpants, too?
Mine are... kinda gross.
I need to see my daughter!
I'm sorry, sir,
I'm afraid it's patients only
beyond this point.
Oh, what am I talking about?
I don't have a daughter.
I'm drunk! I need help!
There's no way I should
be behind the wheel!
Listen to how I'm
slurring my words.
Sir, that's
not convincing at all.
I'm telling you, I'm a menace!
Argh!
Sir, now you're
just doing a pirate.
Damn it!
(tires screech)
(steam hissing)
That's it!
Now get in there,
ya drunk son of a bitch!
Hey, aren't you The Most
Interesting Man in the World?
What are you doing here?
I don't always drink beer,
but when I do,
I drink to excess.
Dad?
Hayley?
Oh, my God! I just
remembered why I'm here!
Oh, good. Then perhaps you could
share it with the rest of us.
Dr. Penguin?
What are you doing here?
I run this group.
I've had my own issues
with substance abuse,
and the cash I make
from this gig helps me
to continue to have them.
So... Stan,
why are you here?
Because my daughter knows all
these secrets about the CIA,
and they're sending people
to have her killed!
What?!
That's right!
We have to get you out of here!
Stan, look at me.
Why are you here?
I just told you!
Stan...
why are you here?
Because I'm no good.
I pushed my daughter
to become a drunk
just so I could
get ahead at work.
And I didn't even prepare
her for life.
She can't even take care
of herself!
I'm a terrible father!
(sobs)
There we go.
Dad, that's not true.
You're a great father.
Oh, you're just saying that
because you're so stupid.
(sobbing)
See, people?
We're all about
breaking down walls here.
(explosion)
Go, go, go!
No, stop, stop, stop!
Tell me, friend, how did breaking
down that wall make you feel?
Sir, I don't have time for...
(sobs): If only I could have broken
down the wall between me and my ex,
I might still see my kids!
(sobbing)
Oh, God.
They call Ron "Dad".
This is good.
This is healthy.
I'm creating a connection.
And a diversion.
Run, you idiot!
♪
This way!
Hayley, what did you do?
We have nowhere to go!
Yes, we do.
We're gonna drink this,
and then we're gonna
jump off the roof,
but we're gonna be fine,
because our bodies'll go limp.
This is a terrible idea.
Drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink!
(slurring): This was,
this was a great idea!
I know, right?!
(engine idling)
Ooh, grab-grab that cab.
Hey, so what's the
craziest thing you ever...
has ever happened in this cab?
So-so how many
hours did...? Sir?
How many, how long ago
when you...?
(tires squeal)
Did the cabbie survive?
No. The damn fool
was driving sober!
We gotta find a place to hide!
We-we need a parade.
When-when's
Chinese New Year?
Or we could just go
in that Dumpster.
STAN:
Mmm, do you smell that?
Oh, my God,
this must be the Dumpster
for a pancake house.
Mmm. How good are these?
So... good.
Oh, my God, I had...
My friend went to Vegas once,
and he said that he has found,
he found a place with, that has,
like, the best pancakes.
Hey, it's the guys
from your office!
Oh, right!
Leave it!
We don't have time!
(wind whistling)
You know what's crazy?
This already happened
for people in Europe.
(tires squeal)
We're trapped!
I'm really scared.
See, this is why you should
never eat lobsters.
Why?
'Cause-'cause they get,
they get caught in a trap.
I'm sorry it had
to come to this, Smith.
All right, Hayley,
where do you want it?
In the face.
Yeah!
But before you do this,
you might be interested
to know that I wrote down
all those dirty little secrets
that you told me at the bar:
the Nepal slaughter,
the Copenhagen incident,
the nuclear war in Chicago.
We can't let that get out!
It's all in a manila envelope
with strict instructions
that if anything happens to me,
it will be released to every
major newspaper in America!
So?
And to the Internet.
(gasps)
Well played, young Smith.
As for you, old Smith,
you're out of the Inner Circle.
Please forget
the Wi-Fi password.
That was amazing!
Hayley, do you realize
what this means?
It means you can
take care of yourself!
You're gonna be just
fine after all!
I told you!
Ah, button-nose.
You ready to go home?
You bet.
(loud crash, car alarm wails)
Hi, I'm Nicholas Vanderbilt,
the actor who plays Stan Smith.
(Australian accent): And I'm
Kate Fagan, aka Hayley.
You know, we've had
some fun tonight
suggesting drunken people
are less likely
to be injured
in falls and crashes.
The dark reality is
that alcohol makes
each of these far more
likely... and deadly.
So, please, if you're going
to crash a car
or jump off a building,
do it sober.
Hang in there.
You are loved and
you are special.
Good night.
(boys sobbing)
That was amazing!
And so much more meaningful
with all the
cultural references.
I told you.
There's only one thing
I don't understand.
Why were they all fighting
in the first place?
Yeah. What-what was
that all about?
What?! You don't know why
the Americans and Germans were
fighting in World War II?!
Nobody knows.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.