American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 15 - Honey, I'm Homeland - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

Aah!

'Sup, comrades?

Whoa, what's with the getup?

You look like one of those
non-ethnic burglars



in the home alarm commercials.

Merely a cunning
disguise, Steve.

I'm going undercover
at the Occupy rally today.

Didn't that Occupy
movement blow over?

But it didn't blow out.

It's the anniversary rally
celebrating the day

they didn't get
kicked out of that park.

CIA's gotten word that
these anti-Americans

are using this rally as a cover

to plan a major
terrorist attack.

Come on, Dad, they
aren't anti-American,

they're anti-capitalist.

And, you know, I think
they make a lot of good points

about our culture's
veneration of the super rich.



God, you're annoying.

Everything you say is annoying.

You want some coffee, Stan?

I just got a new grind
from Delayna's Coffee.

Mom, that company is the worst.

The CEO lives in a castle

and doesn't even pay his
employees a living wage.

God, you're annoying.

Everything you say is annoying.

You know what?
I give up.

How can you expect
to infiltrate a group of people

when you won't even open
your mind to their beliefs?

Hayley, I've seen
Reality Bites, all right?

I think I get the agenda
of this generation.

Oh, and it shows from
your kick-ass disguise.

Hey, you know the only
thing you're missing

are the mirrored shades.

Mirrored shades?
Really?

Oh, definitely.

All the groovy protesters
wear them.

If I leave now, I can probably
hit that Sunglass Hut

at the mall before it
goes out of business.

Klaus!
KLAUS: Jawohl?

Get ready to flip me my
car keys with your tail,

like you do every morning.

KLAUS: I've been ready
for three hours.

Stan, you forgot your coffee.

(door closes)

KLAUS:
And your keys.

(door opens, keys jingle)

(door closes)

Was that Stan
coming back for his keys?

KLAUS: Yes, but he let a coyote
in the house when he did.

(snarling)

(whispering): Open the back
door so it has a way out.

You do realize this
is about climate change.

(growling stops)

♪ ♪

God, it's worse than I thought.

Hey, man, you want
to go with us?

We're gonna go intimidate
that Verizon store

into letting us
use their bathroom.

Right on.

Wait, don't I recognize
you three from somewhere?

(snaps fingers) I know.

You used to be
multicultural members

of the Burger King Kids' Club.

A girl, a black kid
and a paraplegic.

All friends, somehow.

Yeah, that's us.

But we took off when
they changed their fries.

Well, let's do it, man.

I'm one of you.

Just looking to agitate.

Okay, you're in.

But first, douse your bandana

in this tear gas neutralizer.

Huh. Smells a little like ether.

Where...
where am I?

A foxhole...

on the front line

in the war for class equality.

Why are you doing this?

I thought we were coolio.

Yeah, we know you
work for the CIA.

Only a narc would wear
those mirrored shades.

But my daughter told me they
would make me look really cool

and oh, I get it,
she set me up, I'm stupid.

Oh, we can fix that.

Let the reeducation begin.

Kristophe, hit
the energy efficient lights.

Aah! The tint of the glow
is slightly off.

(screams)

Wake up, G-man.

It's time to hear the truth.

And the most efficient way
to convey that truth?

Poetry slam.

Death!

On 9/11.

Unhealthy food in 7-Eleven.

Instagram.

No, thank you, ma'am.

Television news is
society's bruise.

Makes me want to drink booze.

Because "pobody's nerfect."

(light applause)

(over speaker):
Hello. I'm Ira Glass.

(whimpering)

Today, on This American Life,

we have a story about a dog.

And like most dogs...

this dog has an owner.

But here's the thing:

This dog's owner...

also happens to be...

a dog.

Why is he pausing?

Doesn't he know
what he wants to say next?

Doesn't he have it written down
right in front of him?

(screaming)

ANCHORMAN: We've just received
a disturbing report

that a local man
has been kidnapped

by radical Occupy protesters,

and subjected
to Heaven knows what.

Journalistic ethics prevent us

from releasing the man's name.

But, between you and
me, it's Stan Smith.

Stan?!
Daddy?!

Dad...?
Ow! Hangnail.

"We are a radical arm
of the Occupy movement.

"We have several demands.

"The rich should give
their money to the poor.

"Then the new rich should give
their money to the new poor.

"And then they should go
round and round like the...

the Sneeches?"

Is that what that is?

"Also, there should be
a one-year waiting period

"to get a gun.

And at the end of that year,
you don't get a gun."

Witnesses report that
the victim stood out

because he was wearing
mirrored narc shades.

Oh, my God.

I told Dad to wear
those sunglasses.

This is all my fault.

Well, then you better just hope

he doesn't get out
of there alive.

Roger, what are you doing?

Well, with your dad missing,

it's only a matter of time
before hundreds of people

show up for a
candlelight vigil.

20 bucks a candle?

Tha-that seems
a little steep.

Friends and family
get ten for a hundred,

but we're not related and I
don't really care for you,

so it's 20 bucks.

Oh, my God, Mom,

I'm so worried.

What if... What if Dad
doesn't come back?

Then you'll have
killed your father.

Do I really need
to explain this to you?

(gasps) Stan?

(door closes)
Oh, Dad, thank God you're okay.

We heard you were kidnapped.

First, I'm not a kid.

So the term is
"man-napped."

And second, I escaped
my kidnappers.

ROGER: Oh, God, that's
2,000 more candles.

Nobody sign for that.
Just ignore him.

He'll go away.

(radio playing)
(knocking on door)

(clicks radio off) Hey, Dad.

What are you doing?

Oh, just listening
to my boy-eeee Glenn Beck.

Did you know America's dead?

Pulled into the world garage,

left the engine running,

flipped on some
Roy Orbison and just...

let go.

Dad, I just came in to say...

Well, I-I'm just really
happy that you're home.

Good night.

(clicks radio on)

Hello.

I'm Ira Glass.

With a $35 pledge...

you can get the feeling...

of paying for radio.

It's an indescribable...

sensation.

Ah, yeah.

Okay, I figured it out.

We took a big hit on
all those candles.

"We?"

Yeah, it's a family problem.

Every problem in this house
is a family problem.

Except your problems.

Anyway, you each owe me $400.

Mom, can you spot me?

Steve, you're not paying him.

None of us are
paying you, Roger.

But I've got 3,500
candles up there.

How the hell am I
supposed to unload them?

Make wax statues
of Viggo Mortensen?

Ooh, first thought,
best thought.

Hey, everybody.

I'm off to my study

to swaddle myself
in the American flag

and pretend I'm Baby Jesus.

But, before I go,

I wanted to hand out
your allowances.

We get allowances?

I know I do all the work,

but we're not just a family.

We're a collective.

Oh, my God, don't you guys
realize what just happened?

Your dad cut one and left?

Yes, but he's also
redistributing his wealth.

The dad I know would
consider that un-American.

Haley, I-I'd think
you'd be happy

that Dad is starting to
think a little like you.

I would if it was real,
but it's so weird.

He's still talking
like he did in that video.

I wonder...

Why I'm listening to you
instead of hustling

down to the fireworks stand

with my unforeseen windfall?

(crash, crackling)

What happened?

Oh, my God, someone put
an axe in the fuse box.

Candles, $10.

♪ ♪

(scanner beeping)

(camera clicks)

(camera clicks)

(camera clicks)

ALL:
♪ Love, American Style ♪

♪ Truer than the red,
white and blue, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Love, American style ♪

♪ That's me and you. ♪

Haley, care to join
our patriotic sing-along?

I'm sorry, Dad.

But you're not fooling anyone.

You've been brainwashed.

And I have proof.

What are you talking about?

I followed Dad today.

Here's a picture of him

giving all of his clothes

to a homeless man.

It looks like he's being robbed.

What?!
It's true.

I was robbed by a homeless.

Haley!

Your father was getting mugged

and you just sat there,
snapping photos?

Hilarious.

I-I swear,
he didn't have a gun.

Dad, you may be able
to use your CIA tech

to hack my phone
and doctor a photo,

but you can't doctor real life.

(eagle screeches)

But... that was
a peace sign.

Oh, I see why you're confused.

Reagan's just at peace
shredding waves.

I'm not crazy.

I know what I saw.

Oh, I've got some
bad news, guys.

I have to sell the piano.

ALL:
Aw.

(moaning softly)

Sorry, I'll be out of
your hair in a minute.

Just looking for a flashlight.

Oh, here it is.
(chuckles)

Shadow puppet
practice, commence!

(mimicking water splashing)

It's all in the pinky.

(moaning)
What's wrong, little buddy?

I'm ruined!
All these candles!

You can't find
anyone to buy them?

I offered them
to Yankee Candles,

but they said
they had enough candles.

I don't understand business!

Don't give up, Roger.

You just got to look on the...

bright side.

(chuckles) (chuckles)

Oh, it feels good to laugh.

Thanks for reminding me how.

It's like I'm looking at you

through the eyes
of Vilmos Zsigmond,

cinematographer
of Close Encounters.

I know Vilmos.

I was his favorite extra.

God, there's so much
I don't know about you.

I should probably go.

Why?

Two friends lit by candlelight.

What could go wrong?

The question is...

what could go right?

How 'bout I light a few more?

(whistling)

(door shuts)

All right, Stan Smith,

let's see what you're hiding.

KLAUS:
Sorry, Hayley.

Sorry you picked a fish
for your stupid plan.

No, Dad!

I can't let you do this.
What do you mean?

I saw your computer screen.
I know you were searching

for "Secret Back Roads
to National Monuments."

(chuckling):
Oh, Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.

I've been planning a road trip
for the family

to see all of our country's
greatest monuments.

And of course we'll take
the secret back roads.

You always want to enter a park
from behind.

Not many parks will let you,
but if you find one that will,

they'll pretty much
let you do anything.

Dad, one of the Web sites was

"How to Blow Up
National Monuments."

Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.

"Blow Up." It's street jive.

It means
to make something popular.

Attendance at the national
monuments is dwindling,

baby girl, and Daddy's worried.

Okay...

I-I guess
that makes sense.

Um, just one more question.

Why is there a crate
of missiles tied to your car?

Hayley, Hayley, Hayley.

(screams)

You just couldn't let it rest,
could you?

(groaning)

(groaning continues)

Damn, Hayley, how
much do you weigh?

Daddy?

What's going on?

You were right, Hayley.

I'm a warrior now
for the liberal left,

and we're about to move forward
with an attack

that the world's right-wing
puppet masters

will never forget.

Oh, by the way,
these are my friends

who kidnapped
and brainwashed me.

This one's a wheelchair guy,

but he can still talk
and everything.

(owl hooting, insects trilling)

Dad, what are you gonna do?

Are you...

are you gonna blow up
Mount Rushmore?

Oh, no. Way cooler.

Artemis, show her.

ARTEMIS: By precisely targeting
a barrage of missiles

your dad acquired for us,
we'll reshape

the contemptible fascists
of Mount Rushmore

into history's
greatest leftists.

STAN: Sean Penn, Michael Moore
and Captain Planet.

HAYLEY:
Why didn't you change Jefferson?

STAN:
Well, he freed the slaves, so...

he stays.

I can't believe this.

We're going through
with this, Hayley.

No use trying
to talk me out of it.

I'm not going to.

I think it's awesome.

Really?
Dad, this is exactly what I've been trying

to get you to embrace
all these years.

Now we can work together
to bring down the...

HAYLEY & STAN:
Plutocratic, patriarchal,

military industrial complex!

(squeals)

I can't wait to help
you guys pull this off,

but, um, can I go
to the bathroom real quick?

I'm going to enjoy
a movement of my own.

Clever!

(keypad beeps, line rings)

Hello?
(quietly): Avery, it's Hayley.

I have to talk to you.
I was kidnapped.

Stop right there.
Let me switch to a secure line.

All right.

When you were kidnapped,
what were you wearing?

Do you currently
have access to your nipples?

What? N-No, Avery, I-I was
kidnapped by terrorists.

Oh, my God, you're so bad
at sexy phone calls.

Damn it!

Come on, come on, come on.

Mmm. I don't know where your
back ends and my hands begin.

(phone rings)
Oh! The outside world.

Hello?
(quietly): Roger, it's Hayley.

Look, I've been
kidnapped by my dad.

He's working with terrorists...

Hayley, my hands are dripping
with coconut oil.

I can't talk.

Now, where were we?

Oh... yeah, here.

(moaning)

FRANCINE:
Steve? Roger?

Are you up there?

What? Wh-What have
we been doing?!

I-It must have been
the candles, right?

Get out.

(keypad beeps, line rings)

(gasps)
WOMAN: 911, what is your emergency?

(gasps) Betraitor!

All right, Stan.

Finish setting up the launcher
while we go get high for this.

I want to be as high
as I was during Life of Pi.

Dad, don't do this.
This isn't you.

Hayley, you should be happy.

I'm a leftist radical,
just like you are.

But that's not who you are.

You've always hated
my liberal ideas.

Remember how mad you got when I
filled your gas tank with sugar

to encourage you
to ride my bike to work?

The chain kept coming off and I
had to ask a weird man for help.

Yeah. Yeah!

It made you really mad,
didn't it?

But, but I did reduce my carbon
footprint for two days, so...

well done.

Okay, but remember
how upset you got

when my fourth grade teacher
asked what you did on Career Day

and I said you introduced crack
and AIDS to the ghetto?

I've told you time and again
that AIDS was the FBI.

But, but it's good
to be sensitive

to the socioeconomically
disadvantaged and their pain.

Yeah? Well, what about your pain

when me and my friends protested
on our front lawn

for four months?

I'd just had that lawn seeded.

All those hippies urinating...

But, but I guess
you did raise awareness for...

for...

...for nothing!

It wasn't even clear
what you were protesting!

Were you against soap?
Getting jobs?

Having sex in private?!

All right, Stan, we're ready.

Launch the missiles.

Launch? I-I...

I can't.

Why not? Are you all right?

Yes.

You had me all left.

But now I'm all right.

I don't understand.
What's he... Oh, I get it.

He's using "right"
in the political sense.

(gasps) His brainwashing's
been compromised!

Seize him!

(grunts)

(grunting)

(grunting)

Dude! You wouldn't hurt a guy
in a wheelchair.

Of course not.

But I would hurt a guy
with his wheelchair.

(grunting, moaning)

(panting)

Dad? Are you really back?

Yes, Hayley, I am.

It seems the only
force strong enough

to break their brainwashing

was a lifetime of
disappointment in my daughter.

It is you!

Dad!

(beeping)

Oh, no!
What have I done?

What... what the hell
just happened?

Well done, Smith.

Or should I say, Smiths.

Deputy Director Bullock?

Let me explain.

We needed
to test Mount Rushmore's

new anti-missile
laser defense,

so we figured
the easiest way to do that

would be to brainwash
our most loyal agent

into firing missiles at it.

Really?
That was the easiest way?

No.

But South Dakota had a lot
of Homeland Security funds

just sitting around,
so we figured

we should do
something cool with it.

Are you insane?!

Millions of kids go to bed
hungry every night,

but you waste money making
Abe Lincoln into a Transformer?

God, you're annoying.

Everything you say is annoying.

This guy gets it.

Smith, let me introduce you
to the CIA agents

who pretended to be
anticapitalist activists

so they could kidnap
and brainwash you.

Duper?!

Jackson?!

Oh, my God,
those disguises are amazing!

That's because they're made

with real skin from the Orient.

Wait a minute, then-then
who was playing Artemis?

Oh, he was actually
a dangerous activist.

So good job beating
him to death.

He did have a child that may
come for vengeance someday,

but he's also in a wheelchair,

so walk halfway up a staircase

or find a curb, you'll be fine.

Well, Dad, it really
is good to have you back.

It's good to be back, Hayley.

Come on, let's go home.

Well, we've got a long
drive ahead of us.

What are we gonna talk about?

Not much.