American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 14 - Stan Goes on the Pill - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA! ♪

♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be
a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

Back you go, number 47.

See you in three years.

Well, now that my suit is hung,

it's time for me to show you
something else that's...



well, not-not hung
but super wide.

An 18-wheeler!
I made it at work.

And now sex time.

Slow down. I want
to finish the story

I was telling you at dinner.

Oh, great.

Where'd I leave off? Oh, yeah.

So, I saw Sandra
at the market today.

She's still having a tough time
dealing with little Jason.

I guess he took a
blender to school and...

Welcome, Mr. Smith.

Back for another evening
of pantomime and shadow?

♪ I want a hippopotamus
for Christmas ♪

♪ Only a hippopotamus
will do... ♪



Stan?

Stan?

I'm here!
Okay, let's do this.

Stan!
What?

You want to start individually

and then join forces
for the big finale?

No. I'm tired of you
pretending to listen to me

just so you can pound this.

It's disrespectful.

What? I was listening.

Oh, really?

Then you won't mind
taking this pop quiz

about everything I said today.

The gender of Denise's
new baby?

The ethnicity
of your friend Tuvok?

Your maiden name?
These questions are impossible!

Impossible to answer
right now, because...

My stomach!
It hurts so bad!

Oh, brother.

How dare you!
It could be my appendix!

Oh. Well, then you'll need
an ambulance, won't you?

I'm beat.

You know, you tell yourself
you're gonna get this job

at Hearty's and it's gonna
be this great thing, but...

it's not.

So why don't you quit?

I'd love to, but I only
have $1,200 saved.

H-Hold up. $1,200?

Klaus, you can quit your job!

We'll use that money to start a
business and be our own bosses!

I don't know.

What's the business?

Roger and Klaus's Business.

I love it!

Right? I'm thinking we offer
a service or a product

that customers will pay for.

Shh!
Keep your voice down.

People will hear.

Thing is, I already had my
appendix out when I was a kid.

Then what did they remove?

Some red thing--
I didn't recognize it.

But how could Francine tell
you weren't listening?

Didn't you smile while
she was speaking?

Of course.

Did you remember also to nod?

Uh, yeah.

Then that's all you can do.

There's no third
thing to listening.

I suppose, but I'd still like
to have sex sometime this year.

She's withholding sex?

Why didn't you say something?

Pharmacology Department?

Send up a bottle of
Estrocillin right away!

What's Estrocillin?

It's an experimental drug
the CIA has designed

to enable male agents to listen
to female intelligence targets

and actually retain the
information they tell them.

Damn it, why is this fridge
always so full?

That's it. I quit!

Wait, I can't quit.

I've got a family.

Unfortunately, I've already
accepted your resignation.

Ah, Trish. There you are.

Here's the Estrocillin
you requested, sir.

Here you go, Smith.

Take these,
and in no time you'll be

connecting with your wife
all night long.

Gentlemen,

this is the perfect opportunity,
while I have you both here.

I wanted to let
you know that...

What do you hear, sir?

Is it the hum of an AC unit?

Actually, mine's whales.

Well, we've spent all the money,
but we have our location.

Wow. So much potential.
Right?

All that's left is to figure out
what we're gonna sell,

where we're gonna get it
and how to run

and properly manage
a successful business.

The finishing touches.

Uh, uh, wait, wait, Francine,
uh, don't go to sleep.

I never got to ask you
how your day was.

Very funny, Stan.

No, seriously.
I want to know.

How was your day?

Well...

I just wasn't feeling it.

You know what I mean?
I don't.

But I want to.

Elaborate.

...then she told her
that she'd never said that

to either of them in the first
place, least of all her.

Not to her, certainly.
Oh, and, Francine,

I'm ready to take
your listening test.

Stan, there's no
time for a test.

I want you immediately.

And I, you.

But first I got to pee.

My insides are squirming
like eels.

What are you doing to me, girl?

Oh, Stan. Pee fast.

Bathroom phone.

Smith! Tell me you
haven't taken the Estrocillin!

Why? What's the prob...

Oh, my God, sir!

Either I've gone crazy,
or I've turned into a woman!

What's the difference?

Hey, screw you!

Stan, get out here
and ravage me.

I have a headache
from all that screaming.

Well, not to compete with you,

but I have a headache
from my skull changing shape.

How did this happen?
I don't know.

All I did was take this pill,
but the woman at the lab said

nothing about recommended dosage
or possible side effects.

It's imperative that you
only take half a pill.

A whole pill will
transform you into a woman.

You know what? I'm gonna
start making them smaller.

"Increases comprehension
of female chatter."

So this is why you were
listening so well.

I'm sorry. I was just trying
to be a better husband.

Don't I get points for effort?

Yeah, I guess.

Don't worry.

We'll figure this out.

Are... are your boobs
bigger than mine?

Just different, is all.

In size.

So what's with
the family meeting?

What the hell? Dad?

Kind of.

Kids, your father's...

a woman now.

We all need to process this
as a family,

so if you have any questions,
let's hear them.

I-I don't understand.

That's not a question, Hayley.

And you don't have to
raise your hand, Steve.

How are you a woman now?

In every way. From my
ridiculous split ends

to these boots I'm
already sick of.

Wait, so d-does
this mean...

Steve had his hand raised.
Steve.

So, like, are you
gonna wear a bra now?

Absolutely not. Everyone knows
if they're flawless,

you can go braless.
Next question.

Will you...
Oh, Steve beat you by a hair.

Are trains becoming obsolete?

On the contrary, Steve.

Trains are more relevant
than ever.

Now Hayley.

A-Am I the only one
struggling with this here?

You found a book, right, Stan?

They didn't have one
where a dad becomes a mom,

so maybe read it backwards.

How does it work
with-with you guys then?

Are you still together?

Yes. We love each other very much.

So... you're lesbians now?

I... I don't know.

Hey! I figured out what we're
gonna sell for our business.

Stan's suits!

He's got hundreds of them
that he doesn't need anymore.

Is he dead?
Is he finally dead?

Can I go free?

No, he's a woman now.

Oh.

A woman fish?

So... lesbians?

Lesbians.

Don't-don't do that.

I-I don't feel
confident there.

Let me do this.

Hey. Ow, ow.

Stan, what are you doing?

I don't know, but it feels like
we're trying to make a fire.

This isn't working.

Well, until the CIA fixes you,

I guess sex is off the table.

'Cause we are not lesbians.

We should tell the kids.

Kids, we are not lesbians!

We tried, but it was a no go!

Please stop
involving me in this!

I am a child!

Agent Smith reporting for duty.

Come in. Let me
get a look at you.

Do a quick turn for us.

You really do cut quite
a figure as a woman, Smith.

You look exactly as I imagined.

Only I drew the
hair a bit short.

Well, that's easily fixed.

There it is.

Any news from the lab on
reversing... all this?

Not yet,
but I'll keep you posted.

Now off to work with you.

Go for Bullock.

Sir, we've successfully
engineered a way

to reverse the effects
of Estrocillin.

Oh, that's exciting.

Shall I notify Agent Smith?
I'll do it.

We have a thing where he
likes to hear things from me.

It's a thing.

We have it.

This fridge is always full.

We need a second one.

That way, we could
have one for drinks

and the other one
for people's bag lunches.

Hmm, not a bad idea.

I think I should go to
the deputy director with this.

Are you done having your idea?

Can I get the Sriracha now?

Thanks for taking me out.

I really needed this.

The girls at work have been
really rough on me.

No respect.

I'm like the Rodney Dangerfield
of that office

because I basically
am dead to them.

Excuse me, are you Megan Fox?

No.

So you're just a regular fox.

Stan, as a woman
with an unnecessarily large

and perky bosom, you're
gonna get lots of attention.

Guys will say anything
to try and pick you up,

and some of it's
gonna be tempting.

So I don't look like Megan Fox?

I know it's all new
and confusing.

Just be careful.

Hopefully, you won't
have to be a woman much longer.

I'll get us another round.

At The K&R Suit Experience,
we have hundreds of suits,

in the only color
you'll ever need.

Blue, blue, this shade of blue!

All suits in stock
are 42 regular.

Smaller than that?
Get it tailored.

There are tailors
all over the city.

Open a phone book.

Are you bigger than 42 regular?

We can't help you.

Look elsewhere!

These prices are so low,
they're driving us mad.

Why are we burning these suits?

For warmth?

My grip on reality
is weakening!

Must... lower... prices.

K&R Suit Experience
in Little Detroit.

Next to the abandoned
police station.

If you see "God is Dead"
written on the side

of the collapsing overpass,
then you've gone too far!

What do I owe you?

Your drinks have
been paid for, miss.

Shut up.

Deputy Director Bullock.

What are you doing here?

Is there news from the lab?

Yes, and I'm afraid
it isn't good.

There's no cure for this.

You'll be a beautiful
woman forever.

Oh, my God.

No time for an honest
emotional response.

We also have urgent CIA
business to attend to.

Oh, uh, let me just
tell Francine.

As I said, no time.
Now let's go.

Yes, sir. I'll grab my pashmina
and meet you out front.

See that woman over there?

I'm going to rail her.

Oh! We got one!

♪ You say
you're gonna rail her ♪

♪ We're really glad to hear

♪ And after you've completed

♪ She'll be grinning
ear to ear, hey! ♪

I love the family
atmosphere here.

Have you seen my husband?

Six foot tall?
Dark hair?

Body of a woman?

Oh, that lady.

She left about 20 minutes ago
with some guy.

What? Do you remember
anything about him?

Not much. Only that he was bald,
worked for the CIA,

and sounded like The Beatles.

Not when they sing,
but when they do interviews.

Bullock!

So, what's the urgent business?

Oh, that. Uh,
yes, well, um...

Ah. Mission cancelled.

Looks like another gumshoe
found Carmen Sandiego for us.

Well, that is good news.

I guess you can
take me back to the bar.

Or we could just keep driving.

It's rare that I
get one-on-one time

with my employees.

Actually, I was hoping
to talk to you about a solution

to the break room
fridge problem that,

frankly, I'm pretty
excited about.

You ever see one
of these bad boys?

Not many people get the chance
to see the moon while moving.

It's...

Are you okay?

God, I am so sick
of that happening.

But let's not let
it ruin our night.

Anyway, about my idea for
the fridge in the break room...

Yes, I can't wait
to discuss it.

But we should probably
do it somewhere indoors.

Where could we go?
Where could we go?

I suppose we could
go to my place.

I mean, we're already here.

Not one customer all day.

I mean, that dog came in,

but he was just looking
for a place to die.

Eh, let's get out of here.

Thanks a lot, Obama.

Is this the warehouse
dance party?

Huh?

Flyer says 50 bucks.

This is the place, right?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Yeah, this is the
place you think it is.

Head on in.

Head on in.

Text your friends,
tell them you found it.

Stan?

Stan?!

Sorry to interrupt
your science,

but have you seen
my husband Stan Smith?

Anatomically a woman.

Agent Smith is still a woman?

Well, yeah.

We're still waiting on a cure.

There is a cure.

A simple pill that'll
turn Stan back into a man.

Bullock was
supposed to tell him.

Apparently they have a thing.

Wait a minute.

Then Bullock's
keeping Stan a woman

so he can sleep with him.

I have to find out
where they are.

Well, if Bullock's
trying to seal the deal,

they're probably at his house.

That's where he likes
to have his sex.

There.
Two glasses of zin,

some pickled ginger,
a bowl of clementines.

The scene is set to
discuss work concerns.

Well, as we both know,

the situation with the fridge
has become untenable.

My proposal:
a second fridge.

Where would we put it, you ask?

Put it where the Fruitopia
vending machine is.

I mean, we can keep
waiting for the guy to come back

and restock it,
but it's been 12 years.

It's time to move on.

Intriguing.

Very intriguing.

Oh, I'm so glad you're into it.

Open.

Yes, enjoy that, Smith.

It's the last thing
you'll put in your mouth

a little at a time.

Come on, come on!
Get out of my way!

I love what I've heard so far.

You have to tell me more.

Well, I'm just saying,
if we have two fridges,

then we essentially
double our capacity.

You know, I have
over four swords.

Hai-yah!

Oops.

That's the exact
same car as mine.

Oh, no!

Do I have a man's haircut?

And people don't want to put
their lunches in the door

because it sometimes
squishes the sandwiches.

So, Smith, now that you're
a woman permanently,

you and your wife probably
won't be getting it on, eh?

No, I guess not.

We'll just be friends.

Best friends.

Seems like a best friend

would want you to have
all your needs met.

Sir, what are you saying?

Look in the mirror, bro.

You're a red-hot mama and your
body is crying out for a man.

Let me be that man.

I... I-I don't know.

You're telling me you haven't
wondered what it'd be like

if one of us accidentally
changed genders

after a horrible
pharmacological mishap?

That's what I thought.

Now, what if this happened?

That's... that's not so bad.

You're right.

It's not so bad.

I bought him in Thailand.

You can drown him
if it pleases you.

Stan! Stan!

Oh, no.

♪ This is no ordinary love...

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

♪ No ordinary love...

Still warm.

I can't believe this
is about to happen.

Wow.

When I had my idea
about the fridge, I...

I never thought it
would lead to this.

Your idea about what now?

The break room fridge.

Oh, I hate the break room
fridge; it's always so packed.

Someone's got to
do something about that.

Are you kidding me?

No!

You've just been pretending
to listen to me all night!

Do you know
how disrespectful that is?

Tell me more.

You're still not listening!

Oh, Francine was right.

If you love someone, you have to
at least try to listen to them.

I finally know how to be
the man she deserves,

but I'm stuck
as a woman forever.

Oh, Stan.

Francine?

I heard everything,
and I'm so glad you understand.

And you're not stuck.

There's an antidote
that turns you back into a man.

Well, that's great news.

And he's known the whole time.

Is that true?

Unbelievable.

I'm keeping the sword.

I hope this won't
make things weird at work.

Wow.

Regrowing a penis was...

not as painful as you'd think.

I'm so glad you're back.

No, hold on.

Pop quiz.

Who did I talk to at the CIA?

Oh, uh, you talked
to the lab lady.

Good. And her name?

Aw, come on. Um...

It starts with a letter
in the alphabet.

Uh, let's see, it's...

it's-it's Blowgus?

The woman's name is Blowgus?

You know what,
I don't remember either.