American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 13 - I Ain't No Holodeck Boy - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

The TV is mine, boys.
Downton Abbey is on

and I intend to see if
Lord Grantham will be able

to modernize his
accounting practices.

Dad, just hold on, we're
on the last level of the game.



What is this game?

You're just throwing stuff
at old-timey ladies.

You go back in time and
have to find Hitler's mom

when she was pregnant with him

and somehow induce
a miscarriage.

It's called
Nazi Natal Nightmare.

Keep tossing!

She's heading for the hospital

to give birth, but
it's not too late!

We need to aim for the soft spot
on baby Hitler's head.

One direct hit there,

and we can still prevent
the Holocaust.

You killed my grandparents,
you bastard!

I'm tired of you kids
always being indoors



and playing video games.

Play outside for a change.

But we already completed,
Outside.

And Outside II:
Without a Sweater.

Have you kids ever spent
a day outside

just throwing actual rocks
with your actual arms?

Nah.
No, no.

Hmm.
No. I've heard of rocks.

No. No. No.

Have any of you ever held
an actual nudie magazine

that your friend, Mark,

pulled out of the Dumpster
at church?

Oh, no, haven't done that, no.
No.

And I bet you've never
felt the rush

of stumbling across a dead body
while roaming through the woods.

No, Papa.

Well, I have.

And all that real-life living

made me the man I am today.

I didn't need video games.

I invented my own games,
like rock fight.

Not sure
you invented rock fights.

I did invent it!

And I was the champion.

I defeated the guy
who taught me.

Dad, we make our own games, too.

That game you
so rudely shut off,

that was an existing
Franco-Prussian war game

we jzushed up with code
we wrote ourselves.

Steve, the words you just
strung together devastate me.

Go outside and play now!

Oh, for God's sake.

Dad, we were FaceTiming
with each other.

You really have to do
something about your dad.

Who said that?
Identify yourself.

Stan, what's going on?

These kids are wasting
their childhoods

on their video games
and phones.

So this weekend,
I'm taking them to the woods

so they can have the kind
of adventures I had as a kid.

Absolutely not.

Steve can't handle the woods.

He wears Velcro laces, Stan.

Velcro, like an infant.

But, Mom... I mean Francine!

Forget it, Stan.

You will not take
our boy into the woods

or you're grounded!
I mean, cut off from sex.

Promise me you won't
take him, Stan.

All right, I promise, Francine.

Will Stan keep his promise?

Will Steve and the boys
get their phones fixed?

Will they...?

Get in the house, Randy!

Have you ever looked up
at the night sky

and thought,
"I'd like to get in on that"?

At the International
Star Registry,

you can actually
purchase your own star.

I bought one for my wife
on our anniversary.

I bought one for myself
when I got passed over at work.

I haven't bought one yet,
but I'm real close.

Ha! What a bunch of suckers.

That's as stupid
as buying a goat

for a poor family in Africa.

Roger, you know every year

I buy a goat for a
poor family in Africa.

Oh, right, you're the sucker
that actually cares about stuff.

And by the way,
you're wasting your money

sending a goat over there.

You could have shipped
Jim Breuer for half the cost.

American Dad!
Remembers Jim Breuer.

You know what, I am
sick of you pretending

you don't care about anything

and making fun of
those of us who do.

Sure, make another joke.

But deep down, I know
you care about something,

and I'm gonna find out what.

Sounds like a great use
of your time,

but three things you might
want to deal with first:

mustache, eyebrows...

mustache.

Steve's never gonna have
the type of childhood I had.

It's sad.

Kids today!

When I was a lad,

I never saw the point
of playing inside.

Until I was sent
to an all-boy's boarding school.

Then my tune changed.

What I'd love to do
is drop those kids

in the middle of the forest,

make them have
some real experiences,

like wolves' kids do.

Sir, these cucumber sandwiches
are divine,

but when did the CIA
get a tearoom?

At the same time
that we got a yacht!

Whoa!
What the hell?!

Where are we?

I'll tell you where we are.

At the top of an
active volcano!

What was in that tea?

A very light opiate,

but that has nothing to do with
the visions you're seeing.

Follow me.

This control room is able
to calibrate force fields

so strong that
the holographic images

projected onto them feel real
to the touch.

Ah! So it works like
the holodeck.

The what now?
From Star Trek.

Some of us spent the late '80s
and early '90s

getting laid, Smith.

In any event, I call this room
the hologram deck.

So it can recreate
any environment?

Well, any environment stored
in our bank of human memories.

Wait, you recorded our memories?

Yes, remember those headphones
you got for Christmas?

They weren't headphones.

Those things never worked.

Actually, they worked perfectly.

Here's one of mine.
Have a look.

Oh, Avery,
you're as tight as the fabric

on a reupholstered davenport.

Not for long, I wasn't.

This was the day I started
to like playing inside.

Playing inside, eh?

Wait a minute.

So this holodeck
could simulate the woods

I played in as a child?

Of course it can, Smith,

but you do know we're seconds
away from a sex scene, right?

This one's going straight
to Instagram.

Oh, Klaus already liked it.

Thanks, Klaus!

No, thank you!

Hey, Roger.

I decided to buy
a little present for myself.

You bought a star.

Hilarious.

Not just any star.

Look closer.

X3Q8F-3X?

That's-that's my
home planet's sun.

And I own the deed.
It's mine.

I guess that makes me
your leader.

Yeah, it bothers
you, doesn't it?

Maybe I found
something you care about.

It's a piece of paper that
means absolutely nothing.

I don't care.
I don't care at all.

Oh, then you won't care

if I name the star
after something you hate.

You could name it
Jessica Seinfeld,

for all I care.

Maybe I will.

Oh, my God,
why did I put that in her head?

Oh, no! Her water broke.

We're running out of time!

Hit her with everything!

Toshi, use your mega-hanger!

I know he's gonna be a monster,
but I do love babies.

Boys, I'm sorry I was
a jerk the other day.

I'd like to make it up to you.

I'm taking you all
to Gamer Town

to buy you whatever
games you want.

I also got you guys
these cheeseburgers.

Can't buy video games
on an empty stomach.

Well, I guess today
is gonna be my cheat day.

Thanks, Dad.

You really came around on thi...

Mine's not working.

Have three more.

Oh, man.

Your dad must have roofied
those hamburgers.

Where the hell are we?

You're in the forest,

but not the actual forest,

so technically I kept my promise
to Francine.

My first promise.

I can't believe my
dad ditched us here.

Guys, how long do you think
we can last out here?

I don't know,
but if we're gonna die,

I'm not going out a virgin.

Well, if trees count,
then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.

Come on, you guys,
don't just stand there.

Explore the forest,
have adventures.

Hmm.

Turning down the temperature

ought to get them moving.

Wow, it-it's
getting chilly.

Does anyone know
how to build a fire?

I know a fire-making spell
from Harry Potter.

We need to climb into someone's
abdomen for warmth.

Everyone whose name
isn't Barry, meeting.

Wait, I got a better idea.

Maybe we should spoon
for warmth.

I wish there was
movie we could watch.

A movie?!

You're in the middle
of the forest!

All you're doing
is lying around!

That's it,

this train's moving
out of the station right now!

Toshi, you're out of sync.

Can you please
bring your breath

into alignment
with the rest of us?

Oh, my God! A bear!

Protect me!

I look the most
like a honey pot!

Roger, what are you doing?

Who are you to wake up
and question me?

You wouldn't happen to be
looking for this, would you?

Look, I'll give you
the certificate, Roger.

You just have to admit
you care about it.

This is not the thing
I'm looking for.

Are-are you trying to
use the Force on me?

You know that's
make-believe, right?

So's Rocky!

Ow!
Sorry!

I'm getting kind of scared.

What happens if we never find
our way home?

_

Guys, relax.

My dad can be a jerk,

but he's not gonna let us die
out in the forest.

He's just trying
to teach us a lesson.

I'm hungry.

Are you sure you're
not just tired?

I don't know!

All my feelings
feel like hungry!

Well, let's try to find
something that we can eat.

Well, my plan seems
to be working.

Now if I push off just right,

it should carry me all the way
to the hot cocoa machine.

I'm Sandra Bullock!

Ow!

Guys! Come quick!

Look what I just knocked open.

Oh, my God!

Somebody killed a robot

and buried it in the forest!

No, Barry.

I-It's obviously
a control panel.

I need you to respect my ideas.

Look!

Integrity breach.

Panel exposed.

Damn.

Better close that panel
before the boys see it.

Dad.

He clearly put us in
some sort of CIA holodeck.

I am fuming...

and also nerding out!

Come on, now's our chance!

Whoa!

Looks like the
tables have turned.

Yep.

I'd say this is a classic
dad-puts-son-in-holodeck-

then-finds-himself-
in-said-holodeck-

that's-now-controlled-
by-son scenario.

Greetings, subject.

On your feet, peasant!

What... what the hell
is going on?

Well, since I'm queen
of your solar system,

I figured I should start
dressing like it.

That's why I'm
wearing a prom dress

from the Salvation Army.

Okay, first of all, Hayley,

we have a prime minister,
all right?

Second, dress how you like.

I couldn't care less.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a soufflé.

This is Miss Kentucky 2007
all over again.

Hey, look.

They have the recorded memories

of every CIA agent!

Hmm...

Let's mess with him.

He thinks his childhood was
so much better than ours,

let's send him back there.

Wait, this is my childhood home!

What's happening?

Oh, the boys must have gotten
into the control room.

Stan?

Stan, is that you?

Daddy?

Hello, son.

I love you!

Wait, that's not
how Grandpa talks.

He says "I love you"
with a cup check.

I'll tell you why.

His memories are being

put through a nostalgia filter.

He's seeing all of this
through rose-colored glasses.

Well, let's take
this down to zero

and see how things really were.

I remember a time

when we didn't need
a nostalgia filter.

Oh, those were the days.

Get out of here, I'm busy!

Go play in your tree house!

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll go play
in my tree house.

Tree house!

Oh, yeah.

I remember that.

How is he liking this?

Ah... the old hood.

Thanks, boys, this is great!

There's the factory,
the slaughterhouse

and the river of clotted beef
blood that came out of it

where I used
to race paper boats.

Ooh, I'm where I discovered
my first dead body!

Aw, there's my special guy.

This isn't messing with him.

It's weird and he's loving it.

You guys, what can we do
to mess with him?

Well, this is basically
just a big computer game.

I can try to change the code.

Yes, my toad.

"Pwn" him.

I didn't notice
when I was younger,

but this is a great tie.

I wasn't trying to steal it!

Nice job, Snot!

It's so real!

I-It looks like he's
actually getting hurt.

He is.

I thought that's
what we wanted.

No!

I-I just wanted to scare
him, not hurt him!

Now might be a good
time to take a break.

Snot, get rid of the zombie!

That's impossible.

The code's merged
with the simulation.

I can't delete it.

Okay, kids, that's enough!

Turn it off!

What the hell?

How did it get so big?

I used the Klara Hitler
code from our game.

We made her bigger

so it would be easier
to hit her belly.

But we never won that game!

Wow, we've had
a lot of backfires,

but this is the most recent.

He's getting larger!

And more confident.

He's not even walking
like a zombie anymore.

He's skipping!

I've gotta go save my dad.

I've gotta go in there.

Thank you, Toshi,
but I must go alone.

All right, guys.

Armor me and supply me
with weapons.

And can I get some snacks
between me and the target?

Oh, my God, these dots
are delicious!

Who knew?

Oh, greetings, royal subject.

Be a good vassal
and fetch your queen

a Choco Taco most frozen.

I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

Kind of got my hands
full right now.

Recognize this little guy?

It's the goat you bought
for that family in Africa.

Wait, h-how did you get him?

Give me that certificate,
Hayley!

Roger, what the hell
are you doing?

Hand over that star certificate

or the goat gets it!
Are you crazy?

I don't know.

I just went on a 53-hour
Dexatrim-fueled trip

to Senegal to kidnap a goat!

You tell me!

Okay, fine!
Take it!

Geez.

Thank you!
Ha! I win!

Actually, I win.

Because only someone
who truly cared

would have gone to the
lengths that you did.

You poor thing.

You think this is over.

Nice dead guy!

Good little dead guy!

I thought you were
just a salesman

who had a heart attack
on a hike!

What the hell, man?

Dad, take cover!

And it's time for you
to chill out.

Snot, change my gun
to a freeze ray

so my clever line makes sense.

Steve!

Dad!

I don't know if we'll
get out of here, son.

He's unstoppable.

If only he had an Achilles'
heel we could exploit.

That's it!

Snot, come in.

I know you can't take out code,

but can you add it?

Yeah, you got a plan?

I need you to program

the Hitler fetus
into the zombie.

What? Why?

'Cause the zombie
needs a weak spot

that we can use to defeat it.

But we've never been able
to kill the Hitler baby.

Maybe we just didn't have
a good enough reason.

Oh, I get it.

'Cause now it's your family.

Steve, I just pressed "enter."

Did it work?

You did it!

Dad!

The fetus' weakness

is the soft spot on his head!

You need a direct hit!
With what?

You said you were champion
of rock fights.

Time to prove it!

Auf Wiedersehen,
you undead son of a bitch!

I'm the champion!

Uh, Dad?

Nice rock throwin', Pop!

Nice...
video game...

stuff, son!

You know, I was wrong.

I thought you boys
weren't prepared for the future.

But now I realize your future

is gonna be filled
with that crap, so...

keep it up.

You guys'll be just fine.

Thanks, Dad.

And maybe you can teach me

how to throw a rock sometime.

It's too late for that, friend.

Oh, I didn't know other people

used this thing
on the weekends.

You guys can stay,

but it's gonna
get really weird.

Darling, hold off.

They don't know if
they're staying yet.

So then Dad nails
the Hitler fetus

right in the head and the
whole thing explodes!

Wow!

Klaus, that makes your story

about thinking someone
might've come to the door

around 3:30
really boring.

Maybe I told it wrong.

It was crazy!

Mom, dinner is
delicious tonight.

Oh, Roger made it.

Is it lamb?

Similar to lamb.

Oh... my... God!

American Dad!
remembers Mutumbo the goat.