American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 1 - Blonde Ambition - full transcript
Hayley dyes her hair blonde so that people will listen to her when she talks about charities. Stan and Steve look for a new house.
Oh, God, oh, God, an activist.
Quick,
pretend we're on the phone.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Sorry. We're
pretending to be on the phone.
Tough spot.
I was here last week
trying to organize a cleanup
for garbage island,
and I couldn't even get
a page of signatures.
Really?
I had to go inside
and buy a second clipboard,
I got so many signatures.
You must really have
a noble cause.
I do.
It's called Bad Animals.
Oh, I hate it when people
treat animals badly.
No, there's some really terrible
animals out there.
Just last week, some elephant
tried to attack a poacher.
Bad elephant!
What?!
You can't be serious.
She sounds serious.
I'd like to hear more!
I don't have to hear more!
I'll sign whatever you got,
beautiful.
[ Sniffs ]
Hey, why don't we line up
on that side for the petitions,
and behind me to touch the hair.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Scoffs ]
I can't believe this.
Pick a line, buddy!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I feel I've outgrown walgreens.
Someday, I'd like to make it
to the big city
and go to a Duane Reade.
Oh, you have not lived until
you've been to Duane Reade.
Duane Reade is magical!
Oh! They have these divine
mini nail clippers!
I need to hear this.
There's a woman out front
getting signatures
where last week,
I was totally ignored.
Hey, look, it's DJ Iron Monkey!
Ooh, I love him!
Oh, my God!
Look at his yacht!
He's not only rich,
he's incredibly wealthy, too.
But he's also
an environmentalist.
His yacht
is solar-powered.
Forget the sun.
What's powering those abs?
Look at the definition
on those abs!
Yep. Abs.
Listen to what he says
about his charity work.
"DJ Iron Monkey doesn't do it
to get his name out there.
"DJ Iron Monkey does it
"because DJ Iron Monkey thinks
it's amazing,
like DJ Iron Monkey's
music."
[ Sighs ]
These are his own words.
You know, I've never used
these ribbed ones,
but I assume
they work like gangbusters.
Ah, home is where the...
fliers are?!
Ugh! There's got to be
a better way.
Whoa! I thought
you were gonna be David Blaine!
These damn fliers!
I'm telling you,
they're a fire hazard.
I'm sick of 'em!
Makes me want to move.
I mean who needs --
"Hillside Acres,
a gated community.
Tired of all those fliers
on your door?"
Oh, my God!
I was just saying that!
Then we wouldn't have to put up
with this trash anymore.
10% off my next treat at TCBY?!
Wait a minute.
Are these all amazing?
"Missing child."
I don't see how that's a deal.
[ Mariachi music plays ]
What am I doing wrong?
That blonde outside of walgreens
was getting signatures.
Come on, Hayley.
Everyone knows
blondes get more attention.
Scientists have proven it.
But their research was ignored
because they were boring,
brown-haired scientists.
From the gentlemen at the bar.
Looks like brunettes
get attention, too.
That's not yours!
That is not for you!
Come on! Be serious!
It's for the blonde!
Thanks!
Uh, she'll be fine.
Don't worry about her.
We're not!
Rosalie's Pizza? I have
a very important question.
Do you deliver
to Hillside Acres?
Yes! Good, good.
My next question,
which is so important
that it should have been
my first and only question --
do you accept
half-burnt coupons?
He's checking.
He's checking!
Whoo-hoo! Maybe!
Dad, these houses
aren't done yet.
Besides, the gate's locked.
That is a beautiful gate!
And imagine how many fliers
this thing can hold!
Wait, I thought we're moving
to get away from the fliers?
Oh, lord, no.
Keep up, Steve.
We're moving here
to keep the riffraff out.
The fact that we'll be tripling
our flier intake
is just a huge,
huge, huge, huge...
What were we talking about?
About why on earth we would
leave our perfectly good house
where our family has
so many memories to come here.
It's the goddamn riffraff!
But this gate will
keep them out!
I mean, were they
to try to get in,
they would have to kneel down,
raise their partner's foot,
and hoist them over...
Aah! Oof!
And who's to say
how his accomplice would get in?
[ Dogs barking ]
Oh, look!
A private mini zoo
just for the residents.
Dad, those are guard dogs.
Well, they should all be fired,
'cause we got in here
pretty easily, especially me.
Steve, there's our dream house.
Where?
You see the one that's bathed
in that ray of sunlight?
[ Harp strums ]
It's the one right next to it.
Yeah, that's the one.
[ Scatting ]
♪ I'm gonna go
hear some jazz at Pips ♪
♪ and see some
gorgeous half-black girls ♪
You want to go, Francine?
Roger, did we bring
all the bags in?
I can't find my hair dye.
Francine?!
But if you're there, then
I must have been talking to...
[ Gasps ]
...Dolly Parton?!
Oh, my God!
Dolly, it's such an honor
to have you in our house!
I've seen
"Smoky Mountain Christmas"
like 400 times!
Turn, Dolly!
Spin and point your face at me
as soon as you feel comfortable!
"Nine to five," alive!
It's Hayley!
This I can work with.
I hope you're
up for some fun, blondie.
Thanks, but I didn't dye my hair
to have fun, okay?
I did it so that people
would pay more attention
to what I have to say.
Oh, yeah, of course.
That's what I meant.
And I know where you can make
the most difference --
celebrity charity events.
Roger, come on.
I always thought those events
were just publicity stunts.
Oh, no way.
The bigger the dollars,
the bigger the change.
That's why tonight, we're
going to a benefit at Dush.
[ Sighs ] I don't know.
I even have the perfect guide.
Jojo Quinoa!
And just like the Superfood,
I'm for sale at Trader Joe's.
Behind Trader Joe's.
For free.
We can put a pool table
over here.
Oh, and this is a perfect spot
for a breakfast nook.
Steve, come pretend
we're having cereal!
Is something wrong, son?
No, dad, nothing's wrong.
It's clear you're
not feeling the house, Steve.
Well, what do
you want me to do, huh?
Pretend I like it
when I really don't want to
move in the first place?!
[ Grunts ]
Pssh!
Damn it, son!
Don't you get it?!
Change is good!
Come on! Follow me!
Son, this is your room.
Go on -- take a look
out that door there.
Tell me what you see.
It's a sun deck.
A-and there's a jacuzzi!
Just imagine
all the killer parties
you're gonna have up here.
This is the house, Steve.
This is where your life
finally comes together.
My life's okay.
It sucks.
But think about
what it could be.
[ Funky music playing ]
I like video games.
I like Scaredy Boys.
Uh...you and I clearly
have stuff we need to work out.
I'm beginning
to get the picture, papa.
[ Techno music plays ]
This party is amazing.
There must be so much money
being raised.
Cocaine is so much more fun
when it's for a good cause.
Hey, speaking of causes,
have you ever heard of
garbage island?
I can't wait
to hear all about it.
Let me go grab us
a couple of drinks
so we don't get dry mouth
when we talk about garbage
for hours.
I think
they're serving owl here.
Or maybe that was a display.
Either way, I ate an owl.
Sounds like we're both
knockin' it out of the park!
Man, this blonde hair
is working.
Everybody's listening to me
about garbage island.
I told you!
Hayley, I just found out
about a charity gala
poppin' off in Vegas!
I guess it's for
one of the hottest
new causes out there.
How are we gonna get to Vegas?
Easy!
We'll take my private jet!
Private jet?
I-isn't that the most wasteful
way to travel?
Got to burn money
to raise money!
Hayley, the earth is dying.
We don't have time
to ride a bus.
Well...
[ Scoffs ]
I guess it's for a good cause.
Let's do it.
[ Coughs ]
You want to know what's crazy?
This is not the owl
I ate earlier.
[ Insects chirping ]
See, Steve,
when you live on a hill,
you can look down on everyone.
It's not the only reason
to live on a hill,
but it's the main one.
Yeah, I'm starting
to warm up to the idea
of living in a gated community.
Mind if I turn on the jets?
Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub, bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub,
bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub.
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Looks like the security patrol
is doing the rounds.
Terrible for us now,
but great for when we live here.
All right, boys.
You're on your own tonight.
I'm taking an HTML class
at the learning annex.
They say the future
of groundskeeping is all online.
[ All sniffing, whine ]
[ Growling, barking ]
Dad?
Did you close the front door?
Ohh!
I don't think I'm gonna
follow Billy Ocean
on Instagram anymore.
He never leaves the bathroom.
Oh, Hayley and Roger
are tearing it up in Vegas.
What?!
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Ringing ]
Hayley, where are you?
I'm at a charity event in Vegas.
It's my fifth one tonight!
We're on a charity crawl!
Whoo!
Honey, I'm worried
you're losing sight of --
I got to go.
Someone's about to donate
all over my stomach.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Whoa. You're, like,
super-hot at charity.
Thank you.
You need to come with me
to DJ Iron Monkey's yacht
for the biggest charity event
of the decade.
So, we're not counting
the Jerry Lewis Telethon in 2008
when Richard Chamberlain just
showed up to sing three songs
and half the audience
had heart attacks?
Actually, Richard Chamberlain
will be there.
[ Screams ]
As you'll see, this whole yacht
runs on solar power.
Dude, that shit's tight.
I know.
Also, if you're wondering
why all the ladies are topless,
we banned all clothes
made in Chinese sweatshops.
Well, if them's the rules.
These were made in Canada,
but don't tell anybody.
So, did you find any chicks
for the party?
Yeah, some blonde from Virginia.
She's buying into
all that charity crap.
So if you want to get with her,
just ask her about her causes.
Cool. Thanks again
for doing this, man.
This probably isn't
what you went to college for,
so I really appreciate it.
No, no.
It's cool. It's cool.
I majored in art history,
but part of going to college
is figuring out
what you don't want to do.
[ Techno music plays ]
Charity.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This feels amazing!
We should raise money
for ecstasy!
We're saving the world, girl!
I just wish we had gum!
Do you have any gum?
Gum? I'd love some gum!
Let's talk about this forever!
I can't believe
I'm in Iron Monkey's head.
Iron Monkey can't believe
you are, either.
Iron Monkey can't
believe a lot of things.
It's so great that
you're doing this for charity.
Uh, but what's the cause
we're raising money for again?
The environment.
No one even realizes how
important the environment is.
I mean, where would we be
without it?
Space? No, thanks.
I'm too scared of black holes
to live there.
Oh, me too.
Me too, Iron Monkey.
How about I show you
around the ship,
so you can see all the ways
this mega yacht
protects this...
environment?
Charity.
[ Dogs barking ]
Dad, these dogs are relentless!
When are they gonna give up?!
Hang in there, son.
Those losers aren't getting in.
Yeah, I called you losers!
[ Barking stops ]
Do...do you think
they went away?
Yeah.
I called them losers.
You don't come back from that.
[ Scraping ]
They're on the roof!
Steve, you didn't by any chance
secure the fireplace, did --
[ Both gasp ]
[ Growling ]
[ Dog whines, barks ]
[ Dog whines ]
I don't think this bit
gets any funnier, Steve! Run!
[ Dogs barking ]
Aah!
[ Dog whimpering ]
To the sun deck!
Oh, my God!
Dad, are you okay?!
I'm sorry, Steve.
You've been in my study.
Have you seen a medical-school
degree on the wall?
I don't know!
Sorry for being condescending.
Maybe it's
the first sign of rabies.
But then again, I'm not
a doctor, so I don't know!
Sorry. That's
the rabies talking.
Maybe.
[ Techno music plays ]
Do you like the table?
It's one solid,
800-pound piece of cork.
The ship builder
really didn't want me
to put this in the hull.
But that just
made me want it more.
Aren't cork trees endangered?
That's why it's so important
to cut them down now.
Does that make sense?
Shh.
Drink your wine.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Yello?
Yo, Monkey,
I got another girl lined up.
She's into threesomes,
but I may get her
to agree to a twosome.
I got to take this.
Oh, my God! Whales!
Oh, my God...slave whales!
[ Whale sings ]
This yacht's not solar-powered.
It's -- it's whale-powered!
Iron Monkey's a phony!
What a fake!
He's not changing anything.
He's just partying.
That's all anyone's doing here.
Including you.
You dyed your hair
so people would listen to you.
But then
you just got super-drunk,
and you totally forgot
to talk about your stuff.
I came here
to make a difference,
and I am going to make one.
Starting by freeing
those whales.
He threw these out
without cutting them?!
Is there no level
to which he won't stoop?!
Wait. What?
Mom?!
Well, this ain't your daddy.
What are you doing here?
And why are you dressed like me?
I came because I knew
you'd lost your way.
I'm here to remind you
of who you are!
That's really sweet, mom.
But I already figured it out
for myself.
Two minutes ago.
Really?
I made my hair ugly,
took an 11-hour flight,
then paid a Mallorcan fisherman
a thousand Mallorcan money units
to row me out here
all for nothing?!
No, it wasn't.
I need your help
to do something truly good.
[ Dogs barking ]
They're gonna get through!
Just one nail left.
Better make it count.
Goodbye, son.
Dad, wait!
Shoot that propane tank!
Maybe the explosion
will scare off the dogs!
Good thinking!
[ Dogs whimpering ]
You did it!
[ Rumbling ]
Uh-oh, Steve.
It must be connected
to the main gas line.
This whole place is gonna blow!
What are you doing?
Get on.
Now hold on tight.
[ Screams ]
It worked!
Dad, even though we're not
moving into that cool house,
I'll still get to have parties
with girls, right?
Afraid not, Steve.
And we should really talk about
what snot was doing
in your fantasy.
Oh, no!
They're gaining on us!
[ Dogs barking ]
Hang on tight!
[ Grunting ]
[ Both sigh ]
Wait. The mailboxes are
down here by the guard gate?
You have to come all the way
down here to get your mail?
Oh, screw this place.
[ Techno music playing ]
I think the whales
are to the right up here.
Do you mean starboard?
We're on a boat, Hayley.
Start talking boat.
Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You guys aren't allowed
down here.
Oh...Um...Sorry.
Uh, we were just...
looking for the dance floor.
I'll take you.
It's on the next deck.
No.
I think it's right here.
What?
That's right, lady.
I'm challenging you
to a dance-off.
Unless you don't think
you've got the moves.
Oh, I've got moves
all day till Sunday.
[ Music continues ]
Go free the whales.
We talked about this, Roger.
You're the one who
frees the whales every time.
This was gonna be the time
you did the dance-off,
but here we are,
in the whale room, once again.
[ Muttering ]
[ Whales singing ]
Aww, damn!
Here comes the rebuttal!
You teach people
how to treat you!
[ Music continues ]
[ Both panting ]
That was a'ight.
But let me show you
how it's done.
Make some room.
Make some room!
[ Rumbling ]
[ Both grunt ]
[ Bones crack ]
Whales are free.
It's over. We did it!
All he has to do is get more
whales, and he'll be back at it.
Trust me.
This ocean is lousy with whales.
Now, let's end this
once and for all.
Did you kill this guy?
That's it -- next time,
I'm doing the dance-off!
[ Techno music playing ]
[ All grunting ]
It won't budge!
Let's give up.
We need to find something
to help us pry it out.
Maybe there's something in here.
Tusks.
I think we can no longer
deny the facts.
This guy is an elephant dentist.
[ All grunting ]
[ Creaking ]
[ Pop! ]
[ All scream ]
For the first time in my life,
I feel like I really did
something to help the earth.
Ugh!
Hayley, the oil spill
dyed your hair back to normal.
Everything worked out!
Oh, look.
My cigarettes stayed dry.
[ Lighter clicks ]
Quick,
pretend we're on the phone.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Sorry. We're
pretending to be on the phone.
Tough spot.
I was here last week
trying to organize a cleanup
for garbage island,
and I couldn't even get
a page of signatures.
Really?
I had to go inside
and buy a second clipboard,
I got so many signatures.
You must really have
a noble cause.
I do.
It's called Bad Animals.
Oh, I hate it when people
treat animals badly.
No, there's some really terrible
animals out there.
Just last week, some elephant
tried to attack a poacher.
Bad elephant!
What?!
You can't be serious.
She sounds serious.
I'd like to hear more!
I don't have to hear more!
I'll sign whatever you got,
beautiful.
[ Sniffs ]
Hey, why don't we line up
on that side for the petitions,
and behind me to touch the hair.
[ Sniffs ]
[ Scoffs ]
I can't believe this.
Pick a line, buddy!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
I feel I've outgrown walgreens.
Someday, I'd like to make it
to the big city
and go to a Duane Reade.
Oh, you have not lived until
you've been to Duane Reade.
Duane Reade is magical!
Oh! They have these divine
mini nail clippers!
I need to hear this.
There's a woman out front
getting signatures
where last week,
I was totally ignored.
Hey, look, it's DJ Iron Monkey!
Ooh, I love him!
Oh, my God!
Look at his yacht!
He's not only rich,
he's incredibly wealthy, too.
But he's also
an environmentalist.
His yacht
is solar-powered.
Forget the sun.
What's powering those abs?
Look at the definition
on those abs!
Yep. Abs.
Listen to what he says
about his charity work.
"DJ Iron Monkey doesn't do it
to get his name out there.
"DJ Iron Monkey does it
"because DJ Iron Monkey thinks
it's amazing,
like DJ Iron Monkey's
music."
[ Sighs ]
These are his own words.
You know, I've never used
these ribbed ones,
but I assume
they work like gangbusters.
Ah, home is where the...
fliers are?!
Ugh! There's got to be
a better way.
Whoa! I thought
you were gonna be David Blaine!
These damn fliers!
I'm telling you,
they're a fire hazard.
I'm sick of 'em!
Makes me want to move.
I mean who needs --
"Hillside Acres,
a gated community.
Tired of all those fliers
on your door?"
Oh, my God!
I was just saying that!
Then we wouldn't have to put up
with this trash anymore.
10% off my next treat at TCBY?!
Wait a minute.
Are these all amazing?
"Missing child."
I don't see how that's a deal.
[ Mariachi music plays ]
What am I doing wrong?
That blonde outside of walgreens
was getting signatures.
Come on, Hayley.
Everyone knows
blondes get more attention.
Scientists have proven it.
But their research was ignored
because they were boring,
brown-haired scientists.
From the gentlemen at the bar.
Looks like brunettes
get attention, too.
That's not yours!
That is not for you!
Come on! Be serious!
It's for the blonde!
Thanks!
Uh, she'll be fine.
Don't worry about her.
We're not!
Rosalie's Pizza? I have
a very important question.
Do you deliver
to Hillside Acres?
Yes! Good, good.
My next question,
which is so important
that it should have been
my first and only question --
do you accept
half-burnt coupons?
He's checking.
He's checking!
Whoo-hoo! Maybe!
Dad, these houses
aren't done yet.
Besides, the gate's locked.
That is a beautiful gate!
And imagine how many fliers
this thing can hold!
Wait, I thought we're moving
to get away from the fliers?
Oh, lord, no.
Keep up, Steve.
We're moving here
to keep the riffraff out.
The fact that we'll be tripling
our flier intake
is just a huge,
huge, huge, huge...
What were we talking about?
About why on earth we would
leave our perfectly good house
where our family has
so many memories to come here.
It's the goddamn riffraff!
But this gate will
keep them out!
I mean, were they
to try to get in,
they would have to kneel down,
raise their partner's foot,
and hoist them over...
Aah! Oof!
And who's to say
how his accomplice would get in?
[ Dogs barking ]
Oh, look!
A private mini zoo
just for the residents.
Dad, those are guard dogs.
Well, they should all be fired,
'cause we got in here
pretty easily, especially me.
Steve, there's our dream house.
Where?
You see the one that's bathed
in that ray of sunlight?
[ Harp strums ]
It's the one right next to it.
Yeah, that's the one.
[ Scatting ]
♪ I'm gonna go
hear some jazz at Pips ♪
♪ and see some
gorgeous half-black girls ♪
You want to go, Francine?
Roger, did we bring
all the bags in?
I can't find my hair dye.
Francine?!
But if you're there, then
I must have been talking to...
[ Gasps ]
...Dolly Parton?!
Oh, my God!
Dolly, it's such an honor
to have you in our house!
I've seen
"Smoky Mountain Christmas"
like 400 times!
Turn, Dolly!
Spin and point your face at me
as soon as you feel comfortable!
"Nine to five," alive!
It's Hayley!
This I can work with.
I hope you're
up for some fun, blondie.
Thanks, but I didn't dye my hair
to have fun, okay?
I did it so that people
would pay more attention
to what I have to say.
Oh, yeah, of course.
That's what I meant.
And I know where you can make
the most difference --
celebrity charity events.
Roger, come on.
I always thought those events
were just publicity stunts.
Oh, no way.
The bigger the dollars,
the bigger the change.
That's why tonight, we're
going to a benefit at Dush.
[ Sighs ] I don't know.
I even have the perfect guide.
Jojo Quinoa!
And just like the Superfood,
I'm for sale at Trader Joe's.
Behind Trader Joe's.
For free.
We can put a pool table
over here.
Oh, and this is a perfect spot
for a breakfast nook.
Steve, come pretend
we're having cereal!
Is something wrong, son?
No, dad, nothing's wrong.
It's clear you're
not feeling the house, Steve.
Well, what do
you want me to do, huh?
Pretend I like it
when I really don't want to
move in the first place?!
[ Grunts ]
Pssh!
Damn it, son!
Don't you get it?!
Change is good!
Come on! Follow me!
Son, this is your room.
Go on -- take a look
out that door there.
Tell me what you see.
It's a sun deck.
A-and there's a jacuzzi!
Just imagine
all the killer parties
you're gonna have up here.
This is the house, Steve.
This is where your life
finally comes together.
My life's okay.
It sucks.
But think about
what it could be.
[ Funky music playing ]
I like video games.
I like Scaredy Boys.
Uh...you and I clearly
have stuff we need to work out.
I'm beginning
to get the picture, papa.
[ Techno music plays ]
This party is amazing.
There must be so much money
being raised.
Cocaine is so much more fun
when it's for a good cause.
Hey, speaking of causes,
have you ever heard of
garbage island?
I can't wait
to hear all about it.
Let me go grab us
a couple of drinks
so we don't get dry mouth
when we talk about garbage
for hours.
I think
they're serving owl here.
Or maybe that was a display.
Either way, I ate an owl.
Sounds like we're both
knockin' it out of the park!
Man, this blonde hair
is working.
Everybody's listening to me
about garbage island.
I told you!
Hayley, I just found out
about a charity gala
poppin' off in Vegas!
I guess it's for
one of the hottest
new causes out there.
How are we gonna get to Vegas?
Easy!
We'll take my private jet!
Private jet?
I-isn't that the most wasteful
way to travel?
Got to burn money
to raise money!
Hayley, the earth is dying.
We don't have time
to ride a bus.
Well...
[ Scoffs ]
I guess it's for a good cause.
Let's do it.
[ Coughs ]
You want to know what's crazy?
This is not the owl
I ate earlier.
[ Insects chirping ]
See, Steve,
when you live on a hill,
you can look down on everyone.
It's not the only reason
to live on a hill,
but it's the main one.
Yeah, I'm starting
to warm up to the idea
of living in a gated community.
Mind if I turn on the jets?
Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub, bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub,
bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub.
[ Vehicle approaching ]
Looks like the security patrol
is doing the rounds.
Terrible for us now,
but great for when we live here.
All right, boys.
You're on your own tonight.
I'm taking an HTML class
at the learning annex.
They say the future
of groundskeeping is all online.
[ All sniffing, whine ]
[ Growling, barking ]
Dad?
Did you close the front door?
Ohh!
I don't think I'm gonna
follow Billy Ocean
on Instagram anymore.
He never leaves the bathroom.
Oh, Hayley and Roger
are tearing it up in Vegas.
What?!
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Ringing ]
Hayley, where are you?
I'm at a charity event in Vegas.
It's my fifth one tonight!
We're on a charity crawl!
Whoo!
Honey, I'm worried
you're losing sight of --
I got to go.
Someone's about to donate
all over my stomach.
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Whoa. You're, like,
super-hot at charity.
Thank you.
You need to come with me
to DJ Iron Monkey's yacht
for the biggest charity event
of the decade.
So, we're not counting
the Jerry Lewis Telethon in 2008
when Richard Chamberlain just
showed up to sing three songs
and half the audience
had heart attacks?
Actually, Richard Chamberlain
will be there.
[ Screams ]
As you'll see, this whole yacht
runs on solar power.
Dude, that shit's tight.
I know.
Also, if you're wondering
why all the ladies are topless,
we banned all clothes
made in Chinese sweatshops.
Well, if them's the rules.
These were made in Canada,
but don't tell anybody.
So, did you find any chicks
for the party?
Yeah, some blonde from Virginia.
She's buying into
all that charity crap.
So if you want to get with her,
just ask her about her causes.
Cool. Thanks again
for doing this, man.
This probably isn't
what you went to college for,
so I really appreciate it.
No, no.
It's cool. It's cool.
I majored in art history,
but part of going to college
is figuring out
what you don't want to do.
[ Techno music plays ]
Charity.
[ Cheers and applause ]
This feels amazing!
We should raise money
for ecstasy!
We're saving the world, girl!
I just wish we had gum!
Do you have any gum?
Gum? I'd love some gum!
Let's talk about this forever!
I can't believe
I'm in Iron Monkey's head.
Iron Monkey can't believe
you are, either.
Iron Monkey can't
believe a lot of things.
It's so great that
you're doing this for charity.
Uh, but what's the cause
we're raising money for again?
The environment.
No one even realizes how
important the environment is.
I mean, where would we be
without it?
Space? No, thanks.
I'm too scared of black holes
to live there.
Oh, me too.
Me too, Iron Monkey.
How about I show you
around the ship,
so you can see all the ways
this mega yacht
protects this...
environment?
Charity.
[ Dogs barking ]
Dad, these dogs are relentless!
When are they gonna give up?!
Hang in there, son.
Those losers aren't getting in.
Yeah, I called you losers!
[ Barking stops ]
Do...do you think
they went away?
Yeah.
I called them losers.
You don't come back from that.
[ Scraping ]
They're on the roof!
Steve, you didn't by any chance
secure the fireplace, did --
[ Both gasp ]
[ Growling ]
[ Dog whines, barks ]
[ Dog whines ]
I don't think this bit
gets any funnier, Steve! Run!
[ Dogs barking ]
Aah!
[ Dog whimpering ]
To the sun deck!
Oh, my God!
Dad, are you okay?!
I'm sorry, Steve.
You've been in my study.
Have you seen a medical-school
degree on the wall?
I don't know!
Sorry for being condescending.
Maybe it's
the first sign of rabies.
But then again, I'm not
a doctor, so I don't know!
Sorry. That's
the rabies talking.
Maybe.
[ Techno music plays ]
Do you like the table?
It's one solid,
800-pound piece of cork.
The ship builder
really didn't want me
to put this in the hull.
But that just
made me want it more.
Aren't cork trees endangered?
That's why it's so important
to cut them down now.
Does that make sense?
Shh.
Drink your wine.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Yello?
Yo, Monkey,
I got another girl lined up.
She's into threesomes,
but I may get her
to agree to a twosome.
I got to take this.
Oh, my God! Whales!
Oh, my God...slave whales!
[ Whale sings ]
This yacht's not solar-powered.
It's -- it's whale-powered!
Iron Monkey's a phony!
What a fake!
He's not changing anything.
He's just partying.
That's all anyone's doing here.
Including you.
You dyed your hair
so people would listen to you.
But then
you just got super-drunk,
and you totally forgot
to talk about your stuff.
I came here
to make a difference,
and I am going to make one.
Starting by freeing
those whales.
He threw these out
without cutting them?!
Is there no level
to which he won't stoop?!
Wait. What?
Mom?!
Well, this ain't your daddy.
What are you doing here?
And why are you dressed like me?
I came because I knew
you'd lost your way.
I'm here to remind you
of who you are!
That's really sweet, mom.
But I already figured it out
for myself.
Two minutes ago.
Really?
I made my hair ugly,
took an 11-hour flight,
then paid a Mallorcan fisherman
a thousand Mallorcan money units
to row me out here
all for nothing?!
No, it wasn't.
I need your help
to do something truly good.
[ Dogs barking ]
They're gonna get through!
Just one nail left.
Better make it count.
Goodbye, son.
Dad, wait!
Shoot that propane tank!
Maybe the explosion
will scare off the dogs!
Good thinking!
[ Dogs whimpering ]
You did it!
[ Rumbling ]
Uh-oh, Steve.
It must be connected
to the main gas line.
This whole place is gonna blow!
What are you doing?
Get on.
Now hold on tight.
[ Screams ]
It worked!
Dad, even though we're not
moving into that cool house,
I'll still get to have parties
with girls, right?
Afraid not, Steve.
And we should really talk about
what snot was doing
in your fantasy.
Oh, no!
They're gaining on us!
[ Dogs barking ]
Hang on tight!
[ Grunting ]
[ Both sigh ]
Wait. The mailboxes are
down here by the guard gate?
You have to come all the way
down here to get your mail?
Oh, screw this place.
[ Techno music playing ]
I think the whales
are to the right up here.
Do you mean starboard?
We're on a boat, Hayley.
Start talking boat.
Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You guys aren't allowed
down here.
Oh...Um...Sorry.
Uh, we were just...
looking for the dance floor.
I'll take you.
It's on the next deck.
No.
I think it's right here.
What?
That's right, lady.
I'm challenging you
to a dance-off.
Unless you don't think
you've got the moves.
Oh, I've got moves
all day till Sunday.
[ Music continues ]
Go free the whales.
We talked about this, Roger.
You're the one who
frees the whales every time.
This was gonna be the time
you did the dance-off,
but here we are,
in the whale room, once again.
[ Muttering ]
[ Whales singing ]
Aww, damn!
Here comes the rebuttal!
You teach people
how to treat you!
[ Music continues ]
[ Both panting ]
That was a'ight.
But let me show you
how it's done.
Make some room.
Make some room!
[ Rumbling ]
[ Both grunt ]
[ Bones crack ]
Whales are free.
It's over. We did it!
All he has to do is get more
whales, and he'll be back at it.
Trust me.
This ocean is lousy with whales.
Now, let's end this
once and for all.
Did you kill this guy?
That's it -- next time,
I'm doing the dance-off!
[ Techno music playing ]
[ All grunting ]
It won't budge!
Let's give up.
We need to find something
to help us pry it out.
Maybe there's something in here.
Tusks.
I think we can no longer
deny the facts.
This guy is an elephant dentist.
[ All grunting ]
[ Creaking ]
[ Pop! ]
[ All scream ]
For the first time in my life,
I feel like I really did
something to help the earth.
Ugh!
Hayley, the oil spill
dyed your hair back to normal.
Everything worked out!
Oh, look.
My cigarettes stayed dry.
[ Lighter clicks ]