American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 2 - CIAPOW - full transcript
Stan and his fellow CIA agents are in danger of losing their jobs to advancing technology. They plan a dangerous heist to prove that humans are smarter than machines.
You know,
I respect their king
for putting his face
on everything,
but what is he holding?
A diamond-encrusted
inhaler.
He's crazy-afraid of having
asthma attacks and looking poor.
10 klicks
to the terrorist compound!
It's "Go" time!
Now, remember, we get in range,
destroy the weapons cache,
and get out.
The local government
should never know we were here.
But we'll always know,
right, Stan?
We'll always have the memory?
That's right, Hooper.
That's right. We sure will.
Prepare to die, building.
Hope you don't have
any building kids.
Stan, we got company!
It's a giant metal bird!
Move your arms
so it doesn't think we're worms!
It's a drone, Dick --
one of ours.
Probably here to film us
for some C.I.A. highlight reel.
Everybody look badass!
Oh, no! The bird's angry
you called it a drone!
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Sir, we were about
to destroy our target
when a drone flew over us
and took it out.
I know. I sent it.
What?!
I wanted to eliminate all human error.
I was afraid
you'd make a mistake.
And, well,
machines don't make mistakes.
Sir, if you think
machines don't make mistakes,
you haven't seen
"Herbie Goes Bananas"!
Herbie's plan worked perfectly,
Smith.
He won the race,
the town was saved,
and everyone learned
to love again.
But if you knew you were sending
a drone, why also send us?
Because I, too,
am a human that makes mistakes.
But don't worry.
I'm working on that.
Ah, soon,
I will be a real robot.
Then will you be happy,
Pappa Geppetto?
Nothin' will a-make me a-happier
than to see my human boy
become a soulless a-robot boy.
Kids, your father's in Thailand.
We have the house to ourselves
for the weekend.
Well, I know
what I'm gonna do --
a whole lot of nothing.
I'm with Hayley. I'm gonna do
even more nothing than her.
You couldn't slow down
to my speed if you tried.
Only one way to settle it.
I propose a slow-motion race
across the living room.
Last one to touch the wall,
wins.
That sounds stupid. I'm in.
You're on.
But if at any point
you stop moving,
you're out of the race.
Oh, I'm all up in this jam.
I've always been good
at moving in...
...slow-motion.
Okay, everybody lined up?
I'm playing, too.
I'll move in slow-motion
across my bowl.
On your mark...
get set...
go!
It was an honor just to compete.
I used to love
post-mission happy hour,
back before machines
took our jobs.
If they're only gonna send
machines into the field,
what's left for us to do?
I'm sure they'll need people
to maintain the machines.
You're right --
they'll need people
to water them, feed them,
pick them up from the airport.
I'm not doing squat
for any machine!
Unless it's a squat machine,
in which case
I'm doing 3 sets of 12.
There has to be a way
to prove to Bullock
that we're better than machines.
That's it!
We'll steal the king's inhaler.
Steal his inhaler?
Sure! It's something
a drone could never do!
That's a great idea, Stan!
But how are we gonna
get into that painting?
You're lucky
you're beautiful, Jackson.
We sure had to
knock out a lot of guards
to find uniforms that fit.
Yeah, I kind of feel like
there's a chance
we knocked out so many guards
that we don't really
need to be in disguise anymore.
Now, all we have to do
is take a photo to prove
that this is the king's
diamond-encrusted inhaler.
Dick, you take the picture.
That way we'll have proof
and you won't be in the photo.
Great idea!
I think my phone takes pictures.
That's crazy, right?
I just have to make it go on.
Just swipe the screen
with your finger, Dick.
No, swipe it.
With your finger.
No, just --
Across it.
Swipe it?
Like this.
Like this. Like this.
Like -- Dick.
Dick, like this.
Like this.
Like this.
Like this.
Like this.
Got it!
Okay, smile.
Wait. No.
I'm in video mode.
Now it's showing me my own face.
Does this mean I'm on the YouTube?
Dick!
I know! I know!
"Swipe"!
Who are you?
What are you doing
in my chamber?
Why don't I wake up
speaking my native tongue?
Guards!
You're busted!
Tell it to the guy who fixes your windows.
Huh?
We got to lose 'em, Jackson.
I'm trying!
Trying?
Your job was to memorize all the
best escape routes out of town!
I got it! Just one more
right turn, and we are --
Jackson, you idiot,
you've led us straight
into the Red-Light District!
Quick!
Ditch the car!
You boys want to slide
into my tunnel?
Back off, harlot!
I was talking about
my secret tunnel
that leads outside of the city!
You seemed like
you were in danger!
Hooper, you were on safe houses.
Get us to one.
On it! Follow me!
The safe house is right here!
Whew! We're good!
Hooper, this isn't a safe house.
It's a Burger King!
It's a U.S. corporation,
Stan,
which makes it
technically U.S. soil.
They can offer us asylum.
And best of all,
with B.K.'s new,
handy B.K. store locator app,
it was just a click away!
That plug's on us, B.K.!
Welcome to Burger King.
May I take your order?
We're C.I.A. agents,
and we require asylum --
you know,
'cause this is American soil?
I grew up in a pile of straw.
The only education I have
is one week
of Burger King training,
and even I know
that's not how the international
justice system works.
But would you like to try
our new berry good milkshake?
Well, we had some close calls,
but we got the king's inhaler.
And we got what --
I'll say it.
We got what is hands-down
the best milkshake
in the fast-food game.
Hey, B.K.,
how about a little love
coming the other way?
Bullock will have no choice
but to use us for every mission
after he sees what we did.
Hey, check it out!
There's some sort of event
going on at our hotel.
Maybe it's a wedding.
Those are cop cars.
Must be a police wedding.
Good thing we've got these
uniforms. We'll blend right in.
Guys, take your guns out
so we're not conspicuous.
You guys are doing great.
I think maybe
we should cock our guns, too.
Hooper, you here?
Yeah, I'm here.
What about Jackson?
I'm here.
Thank God. We're all safe.
Um, I'm here, too.
Oh, right. Dick.
We were with Dick.
Guys, don't say anything bad
about Dick. He's here.
Quiet!
Hello, losers.
Sorry for calling you losers.
Psych! I'm not sorry!
The torture begins!
Now, you are clearly in Thailand
for something more
than our king's inhaler.
Nobody would be that stupid.
So, tell me --
who are you and what's...
you know, your deal?
We're, uh...
we're filmmakers!
Yeah, yeah, we're a film crew
scouting locations
for a major Hollywood movie!
He's pulling an "Argo."
Shh, I haven't seen it yet!
Well, if you are really
making a movie,
then I know
from the movie "Argo"
that there will be
a production office.
So...
what's the number?
Thank you
for calling Burger King.
Would you like to try
our berry good milkshake?
Liars!
Really? Burger King?
That was your one chance
to tell the truth the easy way.
Prepare the interrogation rooms!
What do you mean?
Like, prepare how?
Turn off
the "One Direction" movie
and clear everyone out!
Turn it off or pause it?
It isn't paused?
You guys kept going?!
Great. Trapped in
a super-futuristic Thai prison.
This is all your guys' fault.
What did we do?
Well, why don't we start with Dick,
who's so bad at technology,
he can't even take a photo
with a phone.
And, Jackson, instead of
getting us out of town,
you led us straight into
the most congested part of it.
And you -- taking us to Burger
King for political asylum?
You say that
like I took us to Del Taco.
Okay, dumb idiots.
Interrogation time.
Now, one of you
has to stay behind
because I only have
three torture cells.
Technically, we have four,
but we converted one into a --
a hang-out room.
Sort of a chill zone
for the guards to unwind --
you know what?
It's not important.
You three, come with me.
Nobody talk!
If they start
zapping your testicles,
just try to fall asleep!
This is incredible.
Hours of action,
and still too close to call!
If you're a slow-mo racing fan,
this is as good as it gets!
Sorry, everyone, but
it's time for me to pull behind.
Hey, w-whoa,
what are you doing?
Tripping you
so you fall forward!
Wait for it.
It's gonna take a while.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...
Are you guys okay?
You were gone
for 20 hash marks of time!
Stan, you have
such a good head of hair.
What?
What's wrong with you guys?
They drugged us, bro,
with truth serum.
Oh, no. Tell me
you guys didn't break!
You talked, didn't you?
I did, Stan! I talked, I sang,
I acted some of it out!
The missile...the inhaler...
and the C.I.A.
That one was hard to act out,
but the little guy, he got it!
Man, he got it. He's --
he's amazing at charades.
I talked, too!
We all did!
I hope you're happy.
They're gonna kill us,
and it's all your fault!
It is my fault,
because I didn't
figure out an escape route
like I was supposed to.
I was too busy...
cruisin' the Red-Light District.
No, it's my fault.
Instead of looking
for actual safe houses,
I spent the day
bird-watching.
No, it was me!
I can't even make my phone work.
Remember when
my wife and kid left me?
They told me it was
because I was horrible to them,
but I know it was because
I'm bad at computers.
You know how
I was estranged from my father?
Well, after he died,
I found his journal.
Apparently,
he was a big bird watcher,
and the only bird
he never spotted
was Thailand's
purple-breasted Phuket Finch.
So instead of safe houses,
I looked
for my dad's missing bird.
And, in a bigger way,
I guess I went looking...
for him.
I think the reason
I was in the Red-Light District
was because, deep down...
I just really like
giving it to transsexuals.
No wonder Bullock
sent a drone to do our jobs.
He knew you'd screw it up!
He's right.
Machines are better than us.
Stan...
it's your sexy wife,
come to save you!
Only kidding!
Torture time!
...o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Kiss the wall, ladies.
You're out of the game.
Oh, man!
You look away
for just 10 minutes,
and you miss
the most exciting moment.
Well, that's slow-motion racing
for you.
Do whatever you want to me.
I'll never talk.
I don't need you to talk.
Your friends already gave me
everything I need
to execute you all.
Then just kill us
and get it over with!
And end our fun so soon?
But why would I do that...
when I've got this?!
Oh, God.
How did you get that?
You dropped it
in the king's chamber!
Ow! What's that?
That's truth serum.
But you already know everything!
Your friends don't!
The truth serum will force you
to tell them
it's your fault they got caught,
and it's your fault
their bodies are going to be
ripped apart by yaks!
I won't!
I won't tell them!
Do you want to know
the names of the yaks?
Yak Cousteau, Yackie O.,
Yackie Chan,
and yackity yak don't talk yak.
Do you like the names
I came up with for my yaks?
You've been trained
for this, Stan.
Fight the serum.
Oh, God.
They're the best yak names
I've ever heard!
He's ready.
Your friend here has something
he wants to share with you.
You maniac!
"Mani-yak"...
That's a good name for a yak.
We must buy another yak.
To the yak dealership!
Stan, what was that precious
half-man talking about?
It's...
it's my fault we got caught.
What is that?
You know how I've always said
Bullock determines
the rooming list?
He doesn't. I do.
I have a point system
where I reward you
whenever you're nice to me or
say something thought-provoking.
And the winner
gets to room with me,
and I make sure
Dick never rooms with me.
And I wrote it on this sheet
of paper,
along with our hotel info,
which fell out of my pocket
in the king's room.
And that's why they were
waiting for us at the hotel.
You bastard!
There's more.
Dick, you should know
that there is no
C.I.A. nightbear
that takes human poops.
That's been us taking dumps
in your desk all the time.
I know.
I just didn't say anything,
'cause I liked
that you cared enough
to keep doing it
for that many years.
But the real truth is,
we shouldn't even have been
in a position to get caught.
Seeing that drone fly past us,
it was like seeing the future --
a future we're not part of.
We're old and obsolete,
and we're gonna die here.
Oh, my God.
That's the purple-breasted
Phuket Finch!
It's a sign
we shouldn't give up!
Guys, this might sound crazy,
but I think this bird
might actually be my dead dad.
I see that.
For sure.
I really wish
I could lie to you,
but I definitely don't think
that's your dad.
All right, guys, let's get out
of here old-school style --
create a distraction, and
get the guards to open the door.
I suggest a fake fight.
Is anyone willing
to get punched in the --
Whoa, guys,
I-I didn't volunteer!
I thought it was gonna be Dick!
Why are you hitting me?
Because you put us in here!
Because you blamed us!
Because
I can't punch loneliness!
It worked!
Grab 'em!
Ha! Suckers.
The joke's on you.
What do we do with the guards?
I'll strip them and tie them up!
Wait, why strip them?
Why do anything, Stan?
All right, let's use our heads.
Which way?
Look! My dad is showing us the way!
Left it is.
Nope. Nope.
Other way.
Daddy!
♪ Just take those old records
off the shelf ♪
♪ I'll sit and listen to 'em
by myself ♪
♪ today's music
ain't got the same -- ♪
I may have underestimated
these dum-dums.
But their escape will end now.
The new yak is here!
I probably need to sign for him!
This prison is a maze!
Look. A map.
This map is too confusing!
It's just too confusing!
No.
It's beautiful.
Huh?
This prison...
it's laid out
just like a transvestite!
We just need to follow
the taint to freedom!
Man, ain't that the truth.
What an amazing race!
Is there anywhere
you'd rather be
than right here, right now
for the last 36 hours?!
Look at us, Steve --
neck and neck.
May the best man win.
Well, that's gonna be me,
because your weird gut's
about to hit the wall.
Not if your boner hits it first.
What?
I don't have a boner.
You're about to.
How?
What are you gonna do?
I don't have to do anything.
You're a teenage boy
who just heard the word boner.
It's already happening.
No! Not now!
Not like this!
Oh, God!
Not like this!
Ah! Damn it!
Yes! I won!
You did, Roger, but, in a way...
I feel like we all won.
What? Wait, what?
Because it brought us
all closer together.
You're right.
I thought I was in a race,
but really I was in a family.
Okay,
I see what's happening here.
Yeah, you're trying to screw me
out of my victory!
We all heard
his dick hit the wall!
This is it.
This room is the taint.
Or "nacho," depending on
where you grew up.
The exit should be
at the other side of that door.
But the door can only be opened
using a password-protected
computer.
There's no way
for us to get through.
Yes, there is.
You're up, Dick.
It's a computer, Stan.
Dick doesn't know
how to use those.
Yeah, what is that thing,
a commodore 64 million?
Just sit down at that computer
and follow your heart.
Okay. Let's see.
"Safari."
That sounds exciting.
Ooh, I could use
some adult friends!
Oh, no, Dick, wait!
No, let him go.
Punch the monkey?
Whoa, first try!
Guys, a diplomat just sent me
an investment opportunity!
Hurry up, Dick.
Hurry!
Why is this lady in a bathtub
contacting me on Facebook?
Sorry, guys.
I crashed the computer.
I knew you could do it, buddy!
So, this is where I work.
Oh, no!
My dum-dums go bye-bye!
Boys, never forget what
got us out of that prison --
human error
triumphing over machines.
You know,
it would be a damn shame
to go home without that inhaler.
Welcome back, dum-dums!
You're never gonna break through
that wall with a spoon, Dick.
Ha!
Did anyone order
an awesome rescue?
Bullock, what happened to you?
Something that should have
happened a long time ago.
Now climb aboard.
Let's get the hell out of here!
Anyone know the way
to the Red-Light District?
I respect their king
for putting his face
on everything,
but what is he holding?
A diamond-encrusted
inhaler.
He's crazy-afraid of having
asthma attacks and looking poor.
10 klicks
to the terrorist compound!
It's "Go" time!
Now, remember, we get in range,
destroy the weapons cache,
and get out.
The local government
should never know we were here.
But we'll always know,
right, Stan?
We'll always have the memory?
That's right, Hooper.
That's right. We sure will.
Prepare to die, building.
Hope you don't have
any building kids.
Stan, we got company!
It's a giant metal bird!
Move your arms
so it doesn't think we're worms!
It's a drone, Dick --
one of ours.
Probably here to film us
for some C.I.A. highlight reel.
Everybody look badass!
Oh, no! The bird's angry
you called it a drone!
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Sir, we were about
to destroy our target
when a drone flew over us
and took it out.
I know. I sent it.
What?!
I wanted to eliminate all human error.
I was afraid
you'd make a mistake.
And, well,
machines don't make mistakes.
Sir, if you think
machines don't make mistakes,
you haven't seen
"Herbie Goes Bananas"!
Herbie's plan worked perfectly,
Smith.
He won the race,
the town was saved,
and everyone learned
to love again.
But if you knew you were sending
a drone, why also send us?
Because I, too,
am a human that makes mistakes.
But don't worry.
I'm working on that.
Ah, soon,
I will be a real robot.
Then will you be happy,
Pappa Geppetto?
Nothin' will a-make me a-happier
than to see my human boy
become a soulless a-robot boy.
Kids, your father's in Thailand.
We have the house to ourselves
for the weekend.
Well, I know
what I'm gonna do --
a whole lot of nothing.
I'm with Hayley. I'm gonna do
even more nothing than her.
You couldn't slow down
to my speed if you tried.
Only one way to settle it.
I propose a slow-motion race
across the living room.
Last one to touch the wall,
wins.
That sounds stupid. I'm in.
You're on.
But if at any point
you stop moving,
you're out of the race.
Oh, I'm all up in this jam.
I've always been good
at moving in...
...slow-motion.
Okay, everybody lined up?
I'm playing, too.
I'll move in slow-motion
across my bowl.
On your mark...
get set...
go!
It was an honor just to compete.
I used to love
post-mission happy hour,
back before machines
took our jobs.
If they're only gonna send
machines into the field,
what's left for us to do?
I'm sure they'll need people
to maintain the machines.
You're right --
they'll need people
to water them, feed them,
pick them up from the airport.
I'm not doing squat
for any machine!
Unless it's a squat machine,
in which case
I'm doing 3 sets of 12.
There has to be a way
to prove to Bullock
that we're better than machines.
That's it!
We'll steal the king's inhaler.
Steal his inhaler?
Sure! It's something
a drone could never do!
That's a great idea, Stan!
But how are we gonna
get into that painting?
You're lucky
you're beautiful, Jackson.
We sure had to
knock out a lot of guards
to find uniforms that fit.
Yeah, I kind of feel like
there's a chance
we knocked out so many guards
that we don't really
need to be in disguise anymore.
Now, all we have to do
is take a photo to prove
that this is the king's
diamond-encrusted inhaler.
Dick, you take the picture.
That way we'll have proof
and you won't be in the photo.
Great idea!
I think my phone takes pictures.
That's crazy, right?
I just have to make it go on.
Just swipe the screen
with your finger, Dick.
No, swipe it.
With your finger.
No, just --
Across it.
Swipe it?
Like this.
Like this. Like this.
Like -- Dick.
Dick, like this.
Like this.
Like this.
Like this.
Like this.
Got it!
Okay, smile.
Wait. No.
I'm in video mode.
Now it's showing me my own face.
Does this mean I'm on the YouTube?
Dick!
I know! I know!
"Swipe"!
Who are you?
What are you doing
in my chamber?
Why don't I wake up
speaking my native tongue?
Guards!
You're busted!
Tell it to the guy who fixes your windows.
Huh?
We got to lose 'em, Jackson.
I'm trying!
Trying?
Your job was to memorize all the
best escape routes out of town!
I got it! Just one more
right turn, and we are --
Jackson, you idiot,
you've led us straight
into the Red-Light District!
Quick!
Ditch the car!
You boys want to slide
into my tunnel?
Back off, harlot!
I was talking about
my secret tunnel
that leads outside of the city!
You seemed like
you were in danger!
Hooper, you were on safe houses.
Get us to one.
On it! Follow me!
The safe house is right here!
Whew! We're good!
Hooper, this isn't a safe house.
It's a Burger King!
It's a U.S. corporation,
Stan,
which makes it
technically U.S. soil.
They can offer us asylum.
And best of all,
with B.K.'s new,
handy B.K. store locator app,
it was just a click away!
That plug's on us, B.K.!
Welcome to Burger King.
May I take your order?
We're C.I.A. agents,
and we require asylum --
you know,
'cause this is American soil?
I grew up in a pile of straw.
The only education I have
is one week
of Burger King training,
and even I know
that's not how the international
justice system works.
But would you like to try
our new berry good milkshake?
Well, we had some close calls,
but we got the king's inhaler.
And we got what --
I'll say it.
We got what is hands-down
the best milkshake
in the fast-food game.
Hey, B.K.,
how about a little love
coming the other way?
Bullock will have no choice
but to use us for every mission
after he sees what we did.
Hey, check it out!
There's some sort of event
going on at our hotel.
Maybe it's a wedding.
Those are cop cars.
Must be a police wedding.
Good thing we've got these
uniforms. We'll blend right in.
Guys, take your guns out
so we're not conspicuous.
You guys are doing great.
I think maybe
we should cock our guns, too.
Hooper, you here?
Yeah, I'm here.
What about Jackson?
I'm here.
Thank God. We're all safe.
Um, I'm here, too.
Oh, right. Dick.
We were with Dick.
Guys, don't say anything bad
about Dick. He's here.
Quiet!
Hello, losers.
Sorry for calling you losers.
Psych! I'm not sorry!
The torture begins!
Now, you are clearly in Thailand
for something more
than our king's inhaler.
Nobody would be that stupid.
So, tell me --
who are you and what's...
you know, your deal?
We're, uh...
we're filmmakers!
Yeah, yeah, we're a film crew
scouting locations
for a major Hollywood movie!
He's pulling an "Argo."
Shh, I haven't seen it yet!
Well, if you are really
making a movie,
then I know
from the movie "Argo"
that there will be
a production office.
So...
what's the number?
Thank you
for calling Burger King.
Would you like to try
our berry good milkshake?
Liars!
Really? Burger King?
That was your one chance
to tell the truth the easy way.
Prepare the interrogation rooms!
What do you mean?
Like, prepare how?
Turn off
the "One Direction" movie
and clear everyone out!
Turn it off or pause it?
It isn't paused?
You guys kept going?!
Great. Trapped in
a super-futuristic Thai prison.
This is all your guys' fault.
What did we do?
Well, why don't we start with Dick,
who's so bad at technology,
he can't even take a photo
with a phone.
And, Jackson, instead of
getting us out of town,
you led us straight into
the most congested part of it.
And you -- taking us to Burger
King for political asylum?
You say that
like I took us to Del Taco.
Okay, dumb idiots.
Interrogation time.
Now, one of you
has to stay behind
because I only have
three torture cells.
Technically, we have four,
but we converted one into a --
a hang-out room.
Sort of a chill zone
for the guards to unwind --
you know what?
It's not important.
You three, come with me.
Nobody talk!
If they start
zapping your testicles,
just try to fall asleep!
This is incredible.
Hours of action,
and still too close to call!
If you're a slow-mo racing fan,
this is as good as it gets!
Sorry, everyone, but
it's time for me to pull behind.
Hey, w-whoa,
what are you doing?
Tripping you
so you fall forward!
Wait for it.
It's gonna take a while.
N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o...
Are you guys okay?
You were gone
for 20 hash marks of time!
Stan, you have
such a good head of hair.
What?
What's wrong with you guys?
They drugged us, bro,
with truth serum.
Oh, no. Tell me
you guys didn't break!
You talked, didn't you?
I did, Stan! I talked, I sang,
I acted some of it out!
The missile...the inhaler...
and the C.I.A.
That one was hard to act out,
but the little guy, he got it!
Man, he got it. He's --
he's amazing at charades.
I talked, too!
We all did!
I hope you're happy.
They're gonna kill us,
and it's all your fault!
It is my fault,
because I didn't
figure out an escape route
like I was supposed to.
I was too busy...
cruisin' the Red-Light District.
No, it's my fault.
Instead of looking
for actual safe houses,
I spent the day
bird-watching.
No, it was me!
I can't even make my phone work.
Remember when
my wife and kid left me?
They told me it was
because I was horrible to them,
but I know it was because
I'm bad at computers.
You know how
I was estranged from my father?
Well, after he died,
I found his journal.
Apparently,
he was a big bird watcher,
and the only bird
he never spotted
was Thailand's
purple-breasted Phuket Finch.
So instead of safe houses,
I looked
for my dad's missing bird.
And, in a bigger way,
I guess I went looking...
for him.
I think the reason
I was in the Red-Light District
was because, deep down...
I just really like
giving it to transsexuals.
No wonder Bullock
sent a drone to do our jobs.
He knew you'd screw it up!
He's right.
Machines are better than us.
Stan...
it's your sexy wife,
come to save you!
Only kidding!
Torture time!
...o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Kiss the wall, ladies.
You're out of the game.
Oh, man!
You look away
for just 10 minutes,
and you miss
the most exciting moment.
Well, that's slow-motion racing
for you.
Do whatever you want to me.
I'll never talk.
I don't need you to talk.
Your friends already gave me
everything I need
to execute you all.
Then just kill us
and get it over with!
And end our fun so soon?
But why would I do that...
when I've got this?!
Oh, God.
How did you get that?
You dropped it
in the king's chamber!
Ow! What's that?
That's truth serum.
But you already know everything!
Your friends don't!
The truth serum will force you
to tell them
it's your fault they got caught,
and it's your fault
their bodies are going to be
ripped apart by yaks!
I won't!
I won't tell them!
Do you want to know
the names of the yaks?
Yak Cousteau, Yackie O.,
Yackie Chan,
and yackity yak don't talk yak.
Do you like the names
I came up with for my yaks?
You've been trained
for this, Stan.
Fight the serum.
Oh, God.
They're the best yak names
I've ever heard!
He's ready.
Your friend here has something
he wants to share with you.
You maniac!
"Mani-yak"...
That's a good name for a yak.
We must buy another yak.
To the yak dealership!
Stan, what was that precious
half-man talking about?
It's...
it's my fault we got caught.
What is that?
You know how I've always said
Bullock determines
the rooming list?
He doesn't. I do.
I have a point system
where I reward you
whenever you're nice to me or
say something thought-provoking.
And the winner
gets to room with me,
and I make sure
Dick never rooms with me.
And I wrote it on this sheet
of paper,
along with our hotel info,
which fell out of my pocket
in the king's room.
And that's why they were
waiting for us at the hotel.
You bastard!
There's more.
Dick, you should know
that there is no
C.I.A. nightbear
that takes human poops.
That's been us taking dumps
in your desk all the time.
I know.
I just didn't say anything,
'cause I liked
that you cared enough
to keep doing it
for that many years.
But the real truth is,
we shouldn't even have been
in a position to get caught.
Seeing that drone fly past us,
it was like seeing the future --
a future we're not part of.
We're old and obsolete,
and we're gonna die here.
Oh, my God.
That's the purple-breasted
Phuket Finch!
It's a sign
we shouldn't give up!
Guys, this might sound crazy,
but I think this bird
might actually be my dead dad.
I see that.
For sure.
I really wish
I could lie to you,
but I definitely don't think
that's your dad.
All right, guys, let's get out
of here old-school style --
create a distraction, and
get the guards to open the door.
I suggest a fake fight.
Is anyone willing
to get punched in the --
Whoa, guys,
I-I didn't volunteer!
I thought it was gonna be Dick!
Why are you hitting me?
Because you put us in here!
Because you blamed us!
Because
I can't punch loneliness!
It worked!
Grab 'em!
Ha! Suckers.
The joke's on you.
What do we do with the guards?
I'll strip them and tie them up!
Wait, why strip them?
Why do anything, Stan?
All right, let's use our heads.
Which way?
Look! My dad is showing us the way!
Left it is.
Nope. Nope.
Other way.
Daddy!
♪ Just take those old records
off the shelf ♪
♪ I'll sit and listen to 'em
by myself ♪
♪ today's music
ain't got the same -- ♪
I may have underestimated
these dum-dums.
But their escape will end now.
The new yak is here!
I probably need to sign for him!
This prison is a maze!
Look. A map.
This map is too confusing!
It's just too confusing!
No.
It's beautiful.
Huh?
This prison...
it's laid out
just like a transvestite!
We just need to follow
the taint to freedom!
Man, ain't that the truth.
What an amazing race!
Is there anywhere
you'd rather be
than right here, right now
for the last 36 hours?!
Look at us, Steve --
neck and neck.
May the best man win.
Well, that's gonna be me,
because your weird gut's
about to hit the wall.
Not if your boner hits it first.
What?
I don't have a boner.
You're about to.
How?
What are you gonna do?
I don't have to do anything.
You're a teenage boy
who just heard the word boner.
It's already happening.
No! Not now!
Not like this!
Oh, God!
Not like this!
Ah! Damn it!
Yes! I won!
You did, Roger, but, in a way...
I feel like we all won.
What? Wait, what?
Because it brought us
all closer together.
You're right.
I thought I was in a race,
but really I was in a family.
Okay,
I see what's happening here.
Yeah, you're trying to screw me
out of my victory!
We all heard
his dick hit the wall!
This is it.
This room is the taint.
Or "nacho," depending on
where you grew up.
The exit should be
at the other side of that door.
But the door can only be opened
using a password-protected
computer.
There's no way
for us to get through.
Yes, there is.
You're up, Dick.
It's a computer, Stan.
Dick doesn't know
how to use those.
Yeah, what is that thing,
a commodore 64 million?
Just sit down at that computer
and follow your heart.
Okay. Let's see.
"Safari."
That sounds exciting.
Ooh, I could use
some adult friends!
Oh, no, Dick, wait!
No, let him go.
Punch the monkey?
Whoa, first try!
Guys, a diplomat just sent me
an investment opportunity!
Hurry up, Dick.
Hurry!
Why is this lady in a bathtub
contacting me on Facebook?
Sorry, guys.
I crashed the computer.
I knew you could do it, buddy!
So, this is where I work.
Oh, no!
My dum-dums go bye-bye!
Boys, never forget what
got us out of that prison --
human error
triumphing over machines.
You know,
it would be a damn shame
to go home without that inhaler.
Welcome back, dum-dums!
You're never gonna break through
that wall with a spoon, Dick.
Ha!
Did anyone order
an awesome rescue?
Bullock, what happened to you?
Something that should have
happened a long time ago.
Now climb aboard.
Let's get the hell out of here!
Anyone know the way
to the Red-Light District?