American Dad! (2005–…): Season 10, Episode 3 - Scents and Sensei-bility - full transcript
Steve and Snot's friendship is put to the test when Snot joins a karate class, and the rest of the Smith family makes Klaus an "outside fish."
I know it's weird to sit
in Santa's lap at our age,
but we got to do what it takes.
Why are you walking so fast?
I'm trying to keep up with the new kid.
That dork?
Oh, great idea.
Let's hang around him
and lower our status even more.
Right at the height of bullying season.
Don't you get it, Steve?
This kid's such a loser,
if we stay within 20 feet of him,
bullies will never even see us.
A cloaking device for dorks?
That's so crazy, it might work.
Smith and Snot!
The two biggest losers in the whole...
who is that?
[ Choir vocalizes ]
He's beautiful.
Glasses, weak chin, bad posture.
Oh, sweet scoliosis.
He's mine.
Oh, my God, Snot!
It worked!
Hey, new kid!
I don't know your name,
but I don't need to.
It's Martin.
I told you not to tell me!
Your new name is Fist Catch.
No! You're supposed to catch it
with your face!
Sorry.
My face is busy
watching your face gets its ass kicked!
[ Grunting ]
Wah!
Both: Whoa.
[ Mortal Kombat voice ]
Finish him.
Both: Whoa.
What?
[ Grunting ]
Brutality.
You should go into radio.
Naw, man.
I want to be a do-cent.
At a museum.
A fancy museum.
Get real into art.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
[ Birds chirping ]
Whoa.
Mertz is the toughest kid in school.
H-how did you do that?
Easy. I take karate.
Karate is the coolest.
I'm always saying that.
No, Steve.
I believe you said
glitter pens were the coolest.
Not anymore, Snot!
Karate is the coolest now.
Yeah, it is cool.
You guys should come take class
at my dojo.
The only drawback is beating kids up
keeps getting me kicked out of school.
I'm 17 and I can't read a alphabet.
But I know which one the moon is.
You thinking what I'm thinking, Snot?
We visit him in juvenile hall
every month until he gets out
and then we all move in together?
No! We take karate
at his dojo!
Which we can use to break
Martin out of juvie!
Brilliant!
No, Snot.
I kind of just thought
we'd do this new thing.
Forget Martin.
[ Gasps loudly ]
Did I like Martin more than you did?!
[ Gong sounds ]
Punch! Punch! Ai-ya!
All: Ai-ya!
Harder!
Ai-ya!
Angrier!
Ai-ya!
Destroy your opponent!
Ai-ya!
[ Bell jingles ]
I'm Sensei Tom.
Welcome to Dojo Biden.
You must be Snot and Steve.
Oh, my God.
He's telepathic!
No. Martin used
his one call from juvie
to let me know you'd be coming.
He has a weird family situation.
I'd adopt him,
but the state won't let me
because I've never looked into
it and I can't be bothered.
Listen, students.
At Dojo Biden,
we care about two things...
the centuries-old
art of karate...
and current two-term
vice president Joe Biden.
[ Train horn blares ]
Let's see what you two are capable of.
You! Glasses!
Throw a punch.
Ai-ya-a-a...
So, capable of nothing.
Okay, you.
That was pathetic!
You're never gonna learn to fight
unless you tap
into the anger inside you.
What makes you angry?
I don't know.
Everyone has anger.
Erik over there has rich parents
and feels guilty about being white.
Marcia over there gets her
anger from her varicose veins.
She's only 14, and those never go away!
So, I'll ask you again.
What makes you angry, son?
Don't call me "son"!
There it is.
You don't like
when I call you "son."
Dead dad, huh?
Yes!
Then use that and punch.
Unh!
Better!
And you must hate that
weak excuse for a mustache.
Ai-ya!
And I bet you're poor.
Lucky.
Show me how angry you are.
Punch this board!
Aiiii-ya!
I can definitely work with you.
But you're gonna have to
replace this board.
It's my seasoning shelf.
Now, my spices are on my nunchuk rack.
I don't even know
where my nunchuks are.
Let's just say I'm not ready
to have guests.
[ Birds chirping ]
Ooh! Yahtzee!
On my first turn!
Here, you go.
And now we wait.
[ Door opens ]
See, Francine, this is why
I can't go piñata shopping.
I just want to rescue them all.
Wait. What's that smell?
It smells terrible.
Oh, Hayley, are you back
to homeopathic deodorant?
It's not me.
I haven't broken a sweat in a year.
[ All sniffing ]
What do you think it is?
Oh, I can't wait
to find out what it is.
It's a mystery.
Did you find it?
Oh, it's me, isn't it?
Klaus, you're an outside fish now.
Not cool, bro!
I'm a fish!
Sometimes I smell fishy!
Ooh! Yahtzee!
Uhp, nope.
Read it wrong.
This is nothing.
[ Gong sounds ]
I feel badass.
Yeah, this feels more serious now
that we're wearing these bathrobes.
Enough chitchat.
Now make like a woman whose
neighbor has a pet chimpanzee
and face off!
Ai-ya!
Um, Mr. Sensei Tom,
are you sure
you want us fighting this soon?
We haven't been taught any moves yet.
Punch!
Aah!
My shoulder!
What did you do that?!
Steve, I'm so sorry.
Don't apologize.
Your dad didn't apologize for dying.
Your jacket didn't apologize
for not having sleeves.
Use your anger!
Attack! Attack!
Ai-ya!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
[ Pants ]
Ai-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!
Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaah!
[ Bell jingles ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Whoa.
Congratulations.
You've unlocked your anger.
You're one of us now.
In the words
of Vice President Joe Biden,
"You do not have permission
to use my name on your dojo."
[ Gong sounds ]
All: [ Chanting ]
Sleeveless! Sleeveless!
Sleeveless! Sleeveless!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Things got pretty crazy yesterday, huh?
I just had to jog home
'cause I was so pumped up
from all the karate.
Sure.
Also, I'm kind of thinking
karate's not for us.
Let's just go back
to the Steve and Snot
we know and love...
cowering from bullies,
wearing shoes in places
where they serve food.
Snot, w-where you going?
Oh, I'm gonna go sit
with my karate friends.
They get me.
And they don't put up with bullies.
Plus they like it
when I lose control
of my bottled-up anger.
I thought we agreed
karate's not for us!
You agreed with you, Steve.
You agreed.
Yo, Sleeveless, what's up?
Whoa. That guy
accidentally bumped you.
You gonna let him accidentally
get away with that?
Unleash your anger.
[ Laughter ]
Let him go, Steve.
Snot's in an action movie now.
Hour 36.
The sun seems like
it comes every day now.
[ Cat meows ]
[ Gasps ]
The cat's back!
What's the matter?
Kitty can't swim?
Welcome to the water jungle, baby.
You can never get to me.
No one can get to me!
[ Bird cawing ]
No, no!
It never ends!
Okay. I'm starting
to get the hang of this.
I just have to stay one step
ahead of them.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no!
They're teaming up.
[ Gasps ] A lizard!
Wait.
Do lizards eat fish?
He just wants to try it!
See if he likes it!
This bathroom pass is fake.
Yeah. I'm still gonna go
to the bathroom.
Well, go to class after that.
Snot, what are you doing here?
This seat's for bad boys.
We're good boys.
I got caught fighting twice today.
Snot, w-where is this
coming from?
I feel like Sensei Tom is turning you
into something you're not...
an angry person.
You walk around
looking like Tommy Lee Jones
all the time now.
I've always been angry.
Sensei Tom understands that, and
he's teaching me to use it.
Lonstein, you can't come in the office
because Marissa Stevens' mom is here.
So listen, we have a
three-strike policy on fighting.
You've got two.
One more and you're expelled.
Feel me?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go ensure that
Marissa Stevens gets an "A"
by giving her mom a "D."
[ Gong sounds ]
Ai-ya!
Uh, is it a bad time
to talk about Snot?
His warrior name is Sleeveless.
Okay, well, Sleeveless
is getting in a lot
of trouble at school,
and for some reason, he listens to you.
So, uh, maybe you could tell him
that everything you're teaching him
is wrong and horrible
before he gets kicked out.
School's not for everyone.
You know who said that?
Joe Biden.
I don't think he said that.
He has said those words.
Maybe not in that order,
but he has said them.
Now, let me tell you a story
about a young kid
who was angry at the world
and got kicked out of school.
It was me.
And now look where I am.
I lease a dojo.
I sleep in a dojo.
I do my cooking and laundry in a dojo.
And none of that would
have been possible...
Wonderful. All right.
I'm gonna speak a language
everyone understands.
This is $12, which I have
a feeling you could use.
The money is yours if you let Snot go.
Look, I'm not gonna lie.
I could use this $12.
Settle down with a nice ham sandwich.
But you can't put a price on anger.
And that's what Sleeveless has.
If you want your friend back,
beat him in the upcoming
karate tournament.
If I beat him, he's free?
Is that some sort
of ancient karate code?
No. If you beat him,
he'll be a loser,
and I don't work with losers.
Now, what else can I do
to earn that $12?
[ Birds chirping ]
Hey, dad.
I know you took martial arts
in your C.I.A. training,
and I was wondering
if you could teach me some.
I have to beat Snot
in a karate tournament
so I can save our friendship.
There is only one thing
you need to know about karate.
Guns beat karate every time.
Good rap sesh, son.
[ Garage door whirs ]
I hear you're seeking
martial arts instruction.
Perhaps I can show you the way.
Shouldn't you have an accent?
Uh, I moved here when I was 2.
Lesson one...
open your mind.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Heads up, Francine.
I ignored our talk
and gave Steve a gun.
Delivery for... the Smiths?
Well, I didn't order anything.
Maybe it's something Francine ordered.
Or Hayley.
Or Steve or Roger.
There are a lot of people
with that last name
in this house.
Also could be a gift from someone.
Maybe bullock or one
of Francine's friends.
Or a friend of Hayley's.
Yep, the Smiths have a lot of friends.
Fun tidbit...
did you know
that Dupont is like the French Smith?
Hey, French Smith!
Remember him?
Do you mean French Stewart?
Sure, whatever.
I'll sign.
It's working.
Well, I'll just leave this here.
You've done it, Klaus.
You're once again an inside fish.
Ha ha!
Outside fish, Klaus.
No! No, please!
The cats and the birds!
[ Birds chirping, cat meows ]
[ Bird chirping, bottles clinking ]
_
Sensei Tom is teaching Snot
to fight with anger,
so I need help harnessing mine.
[ Chuckles ]
Sensei Tom.
Did you know he lives in his dojo?
Well, you technically live in yours.
Lesson two... don't worry
about where I live.
You're not an angry boy, Steve,
so there's nothing to harness.
But that's okay,
because people who fight
with anger are sloppy.
You're gonna fight with cold,
calculating technique.
[ Rock music playing ]
♪ Living with my eyes closed
♪ going day to day
♪ I never knew the difference
♪ I never cared either way
♪ all fired up
♪ all fired up
♪ all fired up
♪ all fired up, fired up,
fired up, hey!
You're ready.
Now make me four more.
But the tournament is in 20 minutes.
Don't worry about time.
Let me worry about time.
Shit! Shit! Damn it!
We're so [bleep] late!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Roger, I'm nervous.
Don't worry. You've trained.
You've prepared.
Nothing can stop you, unless...
Oh, no. Oh, God, no!
What?!
That guy has a better goatee than me!
Excuse me.
Steve, what are you doing here?
I thought you quit karate.
No. I'm gonna kick your ass
so we can be friends again.
It doesn't sound like a good
plan when I say it out loud,
but trust me, I thought it through.
Okay, goatee disaster averted.
See you in the finals.
No. I'll see you
in the finals.
Man: Now announcing
the first round draw,
Steve Smith versus Snot Lonstein.
So, I guess I'll see you
in the first round.
The all-important first round
it is.
Sleeveless! It's time.
Well, well.
Sensei Tom.
Sensei Ryan?
I thought you were dead.
You wish I was dead!
'Cause then you wouldn't owe me $15
from our last cable bill!
I told you that I wouldn't pay for HBO!
I don't watch it!
I said that the day we moved in!
You do watch it, and I know
you're still using my HBO Go password.
"Water for Elephants" was
on my "Recently Watched,"
and I didn't watch it.
I saw it in the theater
like it's supposed to be seen!
Man: Now, welcome
to the fifth annual
Langley Falls Karate Tournament.
And guess what?
We're only starting 20 minutes
behind schedule!
Steve, if you get in trouble
out there, kiss him.
It'll throw him off his game.
And if things get really hairy,
just give him a tap
on the ol' starfish.
I don't know what that means.
He'll like it.
Now get out there!
Prepare to go down.
Wow.
I really feel your anger.
[ Knuckles cracking ]
It'll be easy to counter
with my cold, calculating precision.
My sensei made me a master
using a variety of unorthodox methods.
I warn you, Snot.
I've been brushing wigs.
Fight!
Brush, brush.
Ai-ya!
Aah!
Destroy him!
Ai-ya!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-
ya-ya-ya-ya!
Ow! Ow!
Aah! Oh! Oh!
Sensei, what do I do?!
Roger: Starfish!
Oh!
This kid's obviously better.
Hey, Sensei Ryan, nice disciple.
Shut up!
He came to me.
I didn't choose him.
But you chose to see
"Water for Elephants"
on a small screen.
You're still the tool here.
I'm sorry, sensei.
I failed you.
No, Steve.
It's my fault.
Instead of teaching you karate,
I had you make me a Martini
and give me a massage.
Roger, I thought those were all skills
that translate to karate.
Really?! You did?!
Steve, you make these wild leaps.
Now, leaps... now, that would
have been great for karate.
[ Birds chirping ]
You know what's weird?
Even though Klaus has been gone
for a while, I still smell him.
I smell it, too.
[ All sniffing ]
Yes. Yes.
Smell it.
Smell all of me.
It's getting stronger!
[ Gags ]
[ All breathing heavily ]
Klaus: Congratulations.
You're outside people now.
[ Laughs ]
[ Cats meowing ]
There are an awful lot of cats
back here.
[ Clears throat ]
And... and birds.
I-I was getting to you.
Don't worry, guys.
I'll be fine.
Meow.
[ School bell rings ]
I saved a seat for Snot.
You can release it
to the general population.
We've lost him.
I've lost him.
Whoa!
Snot's about to beat
somebody up in the quad!
By the bike racks!
In the northwest corner!
Right by the bike that belonged
to that kid who died
and now serves as a grim
reminder of his passing!
Some say if you feel a cool breeze,
it's him whistling, but it's not true!
When your body dies,
your soul dies with it!
Anyway, if you hit the library,
you've gone too far!
Oh, no.
If he gets in one more fight,
he's gonna get kicked out of school!
Which means it's our last chance
to see him in action!
No, it means we have
to stop him! Let's go!
[ Mortal Kombat voice ]
Finish it.
What?
Finish it!
It's weird that you care about this.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Snot, wait!
You can't do this!
You're gonna get kicked out of school!
Sensei Tom says I don't need school.
Sensei Tom's a loser.
He lives above his dojo
and steals his wi-fi
from the H&R block next door.
Look, I tried to save you
by fighting you,
but I'm not a fighter.
So I'm gonna save you
with love, not anger.
Eh!
Steve, what are you doing?!
I'm showing you I love you, Snot!
And you have two strikes!
I'm taking this strike for you!
Ah! Ow!
But you're not a bad boy, Steve!
Neither are you!
This all started 'cause
you didn't want to be bullied,
and now you're doing it!
Sure, you've got a lot
to be angry about,
b-but you've also got
a lot to be happy about.
Ooh!
[ Straining ] Like your friends
that care about you.
[ Punches landing ]
Aah! Ow!
Remember when you and I had
lunch together that one time?
Please let me know as soon
as I've gotten through to you.
Because I've reached a point
where even the NFL
wouldn't clear me to play.
"American Dad!" stands with
the National Football League
Players Association.
Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
I mean, break it up, kids.
Steve, that's strike one,
and you don't get a second.
No, wait.
You get three.
You hear that, everybody?
You get two free fights!
I expect you to use them!
Thanks, Steve.
Your love made me realize
that anger isn't all I am.
And instead of using my anger to fight,
I should bottle it up
and only let it out
when I can no longer control it.
Maybe in, like, 20 years,
quietly, victim by victim.
You're gonna be in therapy
for a long time, buddy.
Klaus: Stan, you're never
getting back in!
I've got a delivery for Klaus Heissler.
Ooh. Hello.
I wonder what it is.
Oh, it's big.
It's so big!
And it's all for me!
Uh, what could it be?
Maybe a giant aquarium?
Maybe it's a lifetime supply
of fish food.
Or maybe it's Stan,
Francine, and Hayley.
[ Chuckles ]
All right, guys.
Truce.
Welcome home.
[ Box thuds ]
He's opening it.
It's working!
Klaus: Oh, no!
Not the kitties and the birdies!
Aaah!
No! No, no, no!
[ Birds chirping, cats yowling ]
Oh! Aah! Ouch!
Once they've taken care of Klaus,
the house will be ours again.
No! Aah!
[ Silence ]
I killed them.
I killed them all!
Do you hear that, Stan?!
Ha! Nice try!
in Santa's lap at our age,
but we got to do what it takes.
Why are you walking so fast?
I'm trying to keep up with the new kid.
That dork?
Oh, great idea.
Let's hang around him
and lower our status even more.
Right at the height of bullying season.
Don't you get it, Steve?
This kid's such a loser,
if we stay within 20 feet of him,
bullies will never even see us.
A cloaking device for dorks?
That's so crazy, it might work.
Smith and Snot!
The two biggest losers in the whole...
who is that?
[ Choir vocalizes ]
He's beautiful.
Glasses, weak chin, bad posture.
Oh, sweet scoliosis.
He's mine.
Oh, my God, Snot!
It worked!
Hey, new kid!
I don't know your name,
but I don't need to.
It's Martin.
I told you not to tell me!
Your new name is Fist Catch.
No! You're supposed to catch it
with your face!
Sorry.
My face is busy
watching your face gets its ass kicked!
[ Grunting ]
Wah!
Both: Whoa.
[ Mortal Kombat voice ]
Finish him.
Both: Whoa.
What?
[ Grunting ]
Brutality.
You should go into radio.
Naw, man.
I want to be a do-cent.
At a museum.
A fancy museum.
Get real into art.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
[ Birds chirping ]
Whoa.
Mertz is the toughest kid in school.
H-how did you do that?
Easy. I take karate.
Karate is the coolest.
I'm always saying that.
No, Steve.
I believe you said
glitter pens were the coolest.
Not anymore, Snot!
Karate is the coolest now.
Yeah, it is cool.
You guys should come take class
at my dojo.
The only drawback is beating kids up
keeps getting me kicked out of school.
I'm 17 and I can't read a alphabet.
But I know which one the moon is.
You thinking what I'm thinking, Snot?
We visit him in juvenile hall
every month until he gets out
and then we all move in together?
No! We take karate
at his dojo!
Which we can use to break
Martin out of juvie!
Brilliant!
No, Snot.
I kind of just thought
we'd do this new thing.
Forget Martin.
[ Gasps loudly ]
Did I like Martin more than you did?!
[ Gong sounds ]
Punch! Punch! Ai-ya!
All: Ai-ya!
Harder!
Ai-ya!
Angrier!
Ai-ya!
Destroy your opponent!
Ai-ya!
[ Bell jingles ]
I'm Sensei Tom.
Welcome to Dojo Biden.
You must be Snot and Steve.
Oh, my God.
He's telepathic!
No. Martin used
his one call from juvie
to let me know you'd be coming.
He has a weird family situation.
I'd adopt him,
but the state won't let me
because I've never looked into
it and I can't be bothered.
Listen, students.
At Dojo Biden,
we care about two things...
the centuries-old
art of karate...
and current two-term
vice president Joe Biden.
[ Train horn blares ]
Let's see what you two are capable of.
You! Glasses!
Throw a punch.
Ai-ya-a-a...
So, capable of nothing.
Okay, you.
That was pathetic!
You're never gonna learn to fight
unless you tap
into the anger inside you.
What makes you angry?
I don't know.
Everyone has anger.
Erik over there has rich parents
and feels guilty about being white.
Marcia over there gets her
anger from her varicose veins.
She's only 14, and those never go away!
So, I'll ask you again.
What makes you angry, son?
Don't call me "son"!
There it is.
You don't like
when I call you "son."
Dead dad, huh?
Yes!
Then use that and punch.
Unh!
Better!
And you must hate that
weak excuse for a mustache.
Ai-ya!
And I bet you're poor.
Lucky.
Show me how angry you are.
Punch this board!
Aiiii-ya!
I can definitely work with you.
But you're gonna have to
replace this board.
It's my seasoning shelf.
Now, my spices are on my nunchuk rack.
I don't even know
where my nunchuks are.
Let's just say I'm not ready
to have guests.
[ Birds chirping ]
Ooh! Yahtzee!
On my first turn!
Here, you go.
And now we wait.
[ Door opens ]
See, Francine, this is why
I can't go piñata shopping.
I just want to rescue them all.
Wait. What's that smell?
It smells terrible.
Oh, Hayley, are you back
to homeopathic deodorant?
It's not me.
I haven't broken a sweat in a year.
[ All sniffing ]
What do you think it is?
Oh, I can't wait
to find out what it is.
It's a mystery.
Did you find it?
Oh, it's me, isn't it?
Klaus, you're an outside fish now.
Not cool, bro!
I'm a fish!
Sometimes I smell fishy!
Ooh! Yahtzee!
Uhp, nope.
Read it wrong.
This is nothing.
[ Gong sounds ]
I feel badass.
Yeah, this feels more serious now
that we're wearing these bathrobes.
Enough chitchat.
Now make like a woman whose
neighbor has a pet chimpanzee
and face off!
Ai-ya!
Um, Mr. Sensei Tom,
are you sure
you want us fighting this soon?
We haven't been taught any moves yet.
Punch!
Aah!
My shoulder!
What did you do that?!
Steve, I'm so sorry.
Don't apologize.
Your dad didn't apologize for dying.
Your jacket didn't apologize
for not having sleeves.
Use your anger!
Attack! Attack!
Ai-ya!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
[ Pants ]
Ai-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!
Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaah!
[ Bell jingles ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Whoa.
Congratulations.
You've unlocked your anger.
You're one of us now.
In the words
of Vice President Joe Biden,
"You do not have permission
to use my name on your dojo."
[ Gong sounds ]
All: [ Chanting ]
Sleeveless! Sleeveless!
Sleeveless! Sleeveless!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Things got pretty crazy yesterday, huh?
I just had to jog home
'cause I was so pumped up
from all the karate.
Sure.
Also, I'm kind of thinking
karate's not for us.
Let's just go back
to the Steve and Snot
we know and love...
cowering from bullies,
wearing shoes in places
where they serve food.
Snot, w-where you going?
Oh, I'm gonna go sit
with my karate friends.
They get me.
And they don't put up with bullies.
Plus they like it
when I lose control
of my bottled-up anger.
I thought we agreed
karate's not for us!
You agreed with you, Steve.
You agreed.
Yo, Sleeveless, what's up?
Whoa. That guy
accidentally bumped you.
You gonna let him accidentally
get away with that?
Unleash your anger.
[ Laughter ]
Let him go, Steve.
Snot's in an action movie now.
Hour 36.
The sun seems like
it comes every day now.
[ Cat meows ]
[ Gasps ]
The cat's back!
What's the matter?
Kitty can't swim?
Welcome to the water jungle, baby.
You can never get to me.
No one can get to me!
[ Bird cawing ]
No, no!
It never ends!
Okay. I'm starting
to get the hang of this.
I just have to stay one step
ahead of them.
[ Gasps ] Oh, no!
They're teaming up.
[ Gasps ] A lizard!
Wait.
Do lizards eat fish?
He just wants to try it!
See if he likes it!
This bathroom pass is fake.
Yeah. I'm still gonna go
to the bathroom.
Well, go to class after that.
Snot, what are you doing here?
This seat's for bad boys.
We're good boys.
I got caught fighting twice today.
Snot, w-where is this
coming from?
I feel like Sensei Tom is turning you
into something you're not...
an angry person.
You walk around
looking like Tommy Lee Jones
all the time now.
I've always been angry.
Sensei Tom understands that, and
he's teaching me to use it.
Lonstein, you can't come in the office
because Marissa Stevens' mom is here.
So listen, we have a
three-strike policy on fighting.
You've got two.
One more and you're expelled.
Feel me?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go ensure that
Marissa Stevens gets an "A"
by giving her mom a "D."
[ Gong sounds ]
Ai-ya!
Uh, is it a bad time
to talk about Snot?
His warrior name is Sleeveless.
Okay, well, Sleeveless
is getting in a lot
of trouble at school,
and for some reason, he listens to you.
So, uh, maybe you could tell him
that everything you're teaching him
is wrong and horrible
before he gets kicked out.
School's not for everyone.
You know who said that?
Joe Biden.
I don't think he said that.
He has said those words.
Maybe not in that order,
but he has said them.
Now, let me tell you a story
about a young kid
who was angry at the world
and got kicked out of school.
It was me.
And now look where I am.
I lease a dojo.
I sleep in a dojo.
I do my cooking and laundry in a dojo.
And none of that would
have been possible...
Wonderful. All right.
I'm gonna speak a language
everyone understands.
This is $12, which I have
a feeling you could use.
The money is yours if you let Snot go.
Look, I'm not gonna lie.
I could use this $12.
Settle down with a nice ham sandwich.
But you can't put a price on anger.
And that's what Sleeveless has.
If you want your friend back,
beat him in the upcoming
karate tournament.
If I beat him, he's free?
Is that some sort
of ancient karate code?
No. If you beat him,
he'll be a loser,
and I don't work with losers.
Now, what else can I do
to earn that $12?
[ Birds chirping ]
Hey, dad.
I know you took martial arts
in your C.I.A. training,
and I was wondering
if you could teach me some.
I have to beat Snot
in a karate tournament
so I can save our friendship.
There is only one thing
you need to know about karate.
Guns beat karate every time.
Good rap sesh, son.
[ Garage door whirs ]
I hear you're seeking
martial arts instruction.
Perhaps I can show you the way.
Shouldn't you have an accent?
Uh, I moved here when I was 2.
Lesson one...
open your mind.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Heads up, Francine.
I ignored our talk
and gave Steve a gun.
Delivery for... the Smiths?
Well, I didn't order anything.
Maybe it's something Francine ordered.
Or Hayley.
Or Steve or Roger.
There are a lot of people
with that last name
in this house.
Also could be a gift from someone.
Maybe bullock or one
of Francine's friends.
Or a friend of Hayley's.
Yep, the Smiths have a lot of friends.
Fun tidbit...
did you know
that Dupont is like the French Smith?
Hey, French Smith!
Remember him?
Do you mean French Stewart?
Sure, whatever.
I'll sign.
It's working.
Well, I'll just leave this here.
You've done it, Klaus.
You're once again an inside fish.
Ha ha!
Outside fish, Klaus.
No! No, please!
The cats and the birds!
[ Birds chirping, cat meows ]
[ Bird chirping, bottles clinking ]
_
Sensei Tom is teaching Snot
to fight with anger,
so I need help harnessing mine.
[ Chuckles ]
Sensei Tom.
Did you know he lives in his dojo?
Well, you technically live in yours.
Lesson two... don't worry
about where I live.
You're not an angry boy, Steve,
so there's nothing to harness.
But that's okay,
because people who fight
with anger are sloppy.
You're gonna fight with cold,
calculating technique.
[ Rock music playing ]
♪ Living with my eyes closed
♪ going day to day
♪ I never knew the difference
♪ I never cared either way
♪ all fired up
♪ all fired up
♪ all fired up
♪ all fired up, fired up,
fired up, hey!
You're ready.
Now make me four more.
But the tournament is in 20 minutes.
Don't worry about time.
Let me worry about time.
Shit! Shit! Damn it!
We're so [bleep] late!
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Roger, I'm nervous.
Don't worry. You've trained.
You've prepared.
Nothing can stop you, unless...
Oh, no. Oh, God, no!
What?!
That guy has a better goatee than me!
Excuse me.
Steve, what are you doing here?
I thought you quit karate.
No. I'm gonna kick your ass
so we can be friends again.
It doesn't sound like a good
plan when I say it out loud,
but trust me, I thought it through.
Okay, goatee disaster averted.
See you in the finals.
No. I'll see you
in the finals.
Man: Now announcing
the first round draw,
Steve Smith versus Snot Lonstein.
So, I guess I'll see you
in the first round.
The all-important first round
it is.
Sleeveless! It's time.
Well, well.
Sensei Tom.
Sensei Ryan?
I thought you were dead.
You wish I was dead!
'Cause then you wouldn't owe me $15
from our last cable bill!
I told you that I wouldn't pay for HBO!
I don't watch it!
I said that the day we moved in!
You do watch it, and I know
you're still using my HBO Go password.
"Water for Elephants" was
on my "Recently Watched,"
and I didn't watch it.
I saw it in the theater
like it's supposed to be seen!
Man: Now, welcome
to the fifth annual
Langley Falls Karate Tournament.
And guess what?
We're only starting 20 minutes
behind schedule!
Steve, if you get in trouble
out there, kiss him.
It'll throw him off his game.
And if things get really hairy,
just give him a tap
on the ol' starfish.
I don't know what that means.
He'll like it.
Now get out there!
Prepare to go down.
Wow.
I really feel your anger.
[ Knuckles cracking ]
It'll be easy to counter
with my cold, calculating precision.
My sensei made me a master
using a variety of unorthodox methods.
I warn you, Snot.
I've been brushing wigs.
Fight!
Brush, brush.
Ai-ya!
Aah!
Destroy him!
Ai-ya!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-
ya-ya-ya-ya!
Ow! Ow!
Aah! Oh! Oh!
Sensei, what do I do?!
Roger: Starfish!
Oh!
This kid's obviously better.
Hey, Sensei Ryan, nice disciple.
Shut up!
He came to me.
I didn't choose him.
But you chose to see
"Water for Elephants"
on a small screen.
You're still the tool here.
I'm sorry, sensei.
I failed you.
No, Steve.
It's my fault.
Instead of teaching you karate,
I had you make me a Martini
and give me a massage.
Roger, I thought those were all skills
that translate to karate.
Really?! You did?!
Steve, you make these wild leaps.
Now, leaps... now, that would
have been great for karate.
[ Birds chirping ]
You know what's weird?
Even though Klaus has been gone
for a while, I still smell him.
I smell it, too.
[ All sniffing ]
Yes. Yes.
Smell it.
Smell all of me.
It's getting stronger!
[ Gags ]
[ All breathing heavily ]
Klaus: Congratulations.
You're outside people now.
[ Laughs ]
[ Cats meowing ]
There are an awful lot of cats
back here.
[ Clears throat ]
And... and birds.
I-I was getting to you.
Don't worry, guys.
I'll be fine.
Meow.
[ School bell rings ]
I saved a seat for Snot.
You can release it
to the general population.
We've lost him.
I've lost him.
Whoa!
Snot's about to beat
somebody up in the quad!
By the bike racks!
In the northwest corner!
Right by the bike that belonged
to that kid who died
and now serves as a grim
reminder of his passing!
Some say if you feel a cool breeze,
it's him whistling, but it's not true!
When your body dies,
your soul dies with it!
Anyway, if you hit the library,
you've gone too far!
Oh, no.
If he gets in one more fight,
he's gonna get kicked out of school!
Which means it's our last chance
to see him in action!
No, it means we have
to stop him! Let's go!
[ Mortal Kombat voice ]
Finish it.
What?
Finish it!
It's weird that you care about this.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Snot, wait!
You can't do this!
You're gonna get kicked out of school!
Sensei Tom says I don't need school.
Sensei Tom's a loser.
He lives above his dojo
and steals his wi-fi
from the H&R block next door.
Look, I tried to save you
by fighting you,
but I'm not a fighter.
So I'm gonna save you
with love, not anger.
Eh!
Steve, what are you doing?!
I'm showing you I love you, Snot!
And you have two strikes!
I'm taking this strike for you!
Ah! Ow!
But you're not a bad boy, Steve!
Neither are you!
This all started 'cause
you didn't want to be bullied,
and now you're doing it!
Sure, you've got a lot
to be angry about,
b-but you've also got
a lot to be happy about.
Ooh!
[ Straining ] Like your friends
that care about you.
[ Punches landing ]
Aah! Ow!
Remember when you and I had
lunch together that one time?
Please let me know as soon
as I've gotten through to you.
Because I've reached a point
where even the NFL
wouldn't clear me to play.
"American Dad!" stands with
the National Football League
Players Association.
Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
I mean, break it up, kids.
Steve, that's strike one,
and you don't get a second.
No, wait.
You get three.
You hear that, everybody?
You get two free fights!
I expect you to use them!
Thanks, Steve.
Your love made me realize
that anger isn't all I am.
And instead of using my anger to fight,
I should bottle it up
and only let it out
when I can no longer control it.
Maybe in, like, 20 years,
quietly, victim by victim.
You're gonna be in therapy
for a long time, buddy.
Klaus: Stan, you're never
getting back in!
I've got a delivery for Klaus Heissler.
Ooh. Hello.
I wonder what it is.
Oh, it's big.
It's so big!
And it's all for me!
Uh, what could it be?
Maybe a giant aquarium?
Maybe it's a lifetime supply
of fish food.
Or maybe it's Stan,
Francine, and Hayley.
[ Chuckles ]
All right, guys.
Truce.
Welcome home.
[ Box thuds ]
He's opening it.
It's working!
Klaus: Oh, no!
Not the kitties and the birdies!
Aaah!
No! No, no, no!
[ Birds chirping, cats yowling ]
Oh! Aah! Ouch!
Once they've taken care of Klaus,
the house will be ours again.
No! Aah!
[ Silence ]
I killed them.
I killed them all!
Do you hear that, Stan?!
Ha! Nice try!