American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 11 - Cock of the Sleepwalk - full transcript
After killing his 100th victim, Stan develops a persona that does nice things, which the real Stan would never do.
♪ Good morning, USA!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
You coming to bed, hon?
Just finishing up my nightlies.
Oh, honey.
I wish you wouldn't shove a
retainer full of cake
in your mouth every night.
But then I wouldn't taste
sweet chocolate in my dreams.
Plus, I don't want to
change my routine
before a big day like tomorrow.
What's happening tomorrow?
Ah, that's top secret.
But I can give you a hint.
I'm "poisoning...
a Russian... assassin."
Fine, don't tell me.
Well, good night.
Stan, you forgot.
It's Perfect Husband Time.
Oh, right,
the 20 seconds per month
I allot to your concerns.
Go!
Okay, uh-uh-um...
I-I-I saw
another stray dog today, Stan.
I was wondering
if we could adopt--
Pass.
Okay, uh-uh-um...
My parents asked if they could
see their children this year.
Pass. Ten seconds down.
I-I rented The Notebook.
Can we please, please, please
Three, two, one.
watch it tomorrow night?
Oh... unfortunately
we've run out of time.
But, you won't be
leaving empty-handed.
All of our contestants
go home with a parting gift.
Beep beep.
Hey, brother, spare a quarter?
"Spare" money, never
understood that.
Now, if you want
to earn some money,
I have noticed that my
shoelace is untied.
So I'll offer you a nickel
to tie it for me.
Here's a quarter.
Thanks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I said a nickel.
I got change coming.
I don't have any.
No change?!
This is how you
run a business?!
Excuse me, where did you
get your shoelace tied?
I do it myself, ma'am.
- Sugar?
- I don't drink sugar.
Damn it!
Whoo-hoo!
Congratulations, Smith.
Wait, what's going on?
That was your 100th kill.
Get out of town.
We all wanted
to be here for it.
Well, thank you, sir.
But I think
I only have 99 kills.
We're counting
that agent who died
when you refused to
give him some bone marrow.
Even though you were
a perfect match.
Happy 100th, Stan.
It's not my birthday, dumb-ass.
No! I meant a hundred--
And a hundred.
I look 40, tops.
You look a hundred.
Do-do-doesn't
Dick look a hundred?
You do look old, Dick.
No retainer full of
cake tonight, sweetie?
Time to leave that
boyish tradition behind.
I've killed a hundred people.
I'm a man now.
A hundred people?
Plus I had 11 pieces
of cake at my party,
and I threw up all over
the elevator buttons.
Good morning, sweetie.
What...?
What are you smiling for?
Why am I covered in cake?
, hoy, you were so cute.
You were sleepwalking.
And I walked downstairs
and got some cake?
That's not all you did.
What?!
You sat me down and insisted
we watch The Notebook.
I did not watch The Notebook.
Boy, did you cry
when Noah bought
the abandoned house
on the lake.
Only because it fulfilled
Allie's lifelong dream.
Oh, my God, I watched
The Notebook!
What the hell is this?!
That's Rashes.
Our shelter dog.
You adopted him last night.
Why's he named Rashes?
Ah! Oh, gross! Ah!
Something terrible
happened to me!
I have to see Dr. Penguin!
Which one do you think, Stan?
I'm leaning towards lilac.
Roger, I don't want
to talk to Madam Buttercup!
Oh, that's a good name.
Okay, okay. Go lie on the couch.
Dr. Penguin, it's terrible.
Last night, I was sleepwalking
and I did all these
horribly nice things.
Nice things, eh?
Seems like someone's
conscience is coming out.
Of the closet?
I don't have a conscience.
Let alone a gay conscience.
No conscience?
Yeah. That's how
I'm so great at my job.
Hmm. Often when you sleepwalk,
the part of you
that you keep hidden
finds its way to the surface.
Did you rub poo on your shirt?
What? God, no,
it's cake.
Poo cake?
I'm putting poo cake
in your file.
Wait, no. Is that
my permanent record?
This is just a straw.
Anyway, I usually do
eat cake before bed,
but last night I didn't.
And then you sleepwalked
to the kitchen and ate some.
It's simple,
you're a man of habit.
Just go back to
eating cake before bed
and everything
will go back to normal.
Okay, that makes sense.
There ya go.
Well, we've got
40 minutes left.
You want to hold my feet
while I try to do a sit-up?
Ah... forget it.
Have you seen Rashes?
Oh, I gave him to a family.
Well, I-I guess you
could call them a family.
There was a man,
he was like the father.
There was no mom and no kids,
but a couple other men.
So, like four dads.
And they all worked
at a Korean restaurant.
Mmm. What a sleep.
Thank you, cake. Oh!
Good, you're awake.
Well, wait.
How did I get here?
You came in the middle
of the night to answer our ad...
and our prayers.
Wait, ad for what?
To be director of the orphanage!
The orphans can't wait
to meet you.
But I-I was sleepwalking.
I thought maybe you were.
But you're also
the only applicant
who didn't play with himself
while he examined
the children's files.
Well, I-I don't know
if I deserve this
just for taking a job.
Well... you did pay off
the loan on our bus.
I what?!
Huh, now, did I give you
any of my contact information?
Like, like how to find me
if I were to suddenly disappear?
Not yet.
If you'd like to
come to my office--
What is going on?!
Why do you keep doing
nice things in your sleep?
Because you're a nice man.
That's why you adopted me...
Daddy.
Oh, no, what have I done?!
Oh, thank God. It turned green.
Are you sure
you need more coffee?
You haven't slept in two days.
I can't sleep.
Who knows what
sleepwalking me will do.
Probably something really nice.
Hey, I'm nice, too.
But in metered doses.
The sleepwalking
version of me is too nice.
He's like Michael Keaton nice.
Michael Keaton?
He didn't have to
pose for that picture.
Honey, you're all frazzled.
You need some sleep.
All right,
five-minute power nap.
I'm setting an alarm,
but don't let me sleep
a minute longer.
Got it.
"Dear Stan, I'll need
more than five minutes
"to do all the good deeds
I have planned.
So I drugged your coffee.
Night, night."
What the hell?!
Sleeping pills?!
Was I sleepwalking?!
And did you let me
put these pills
in my own coffee?!
And then let me drink it?!
Yeah. It was exciting.
What else do I have going on?
What do you call
one of these places?
Where we are now?
A home?
No kiddin'!
After you went back to sleep,
you opened a soup kitchen
in our living room.
We fed 50 people today, Dad.
Damn it.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Dad.
Next time,
we'll feed a hundred.
Is anyone peeing here?
Yes.
Smith, we've received word that
a Belgian terrorist is in town,
and I want you to kill him.
Smith, are you falling asleep?
Ah, sorry sir,
just a little tired.
Oh, not to worry.
I've got some cocaine
right here.
But... i-isn't that illegal?
Ah... okay. You think
cocaine is a problem.
But I've done it for 32 years.
See, I'm part of a group of
responsible cocaine users.
We adhere to strict rules
to ensure things don't
get out of control.
Rules, sir?
It's not used to feel good.
Not for base pleasure,
certainly.
It's a medicine
to improve our lives,
like penicillin or opium.
Uh, I-I think I'll just
get some shuteye.
Of course, of course.
Perhaps opium
is more your speed.
See, I'm also part of a group
of responsible opium users.
Actually, I'm just gonna
go do my mission.
More for me, then.
Would you mind locking my door
on the way out?
Yes, sir.
I can play the bass solo
to "My Generation."
Bum-didabum-dibum- dibum-bum-bum...
Bum-didabum-dibum-
dibum-bum-bum...
Where are you off to,
shiny briefcase?
To kill another terrorist.
Oh. There's something
you might want to see first.
So, your sleepwalking self
came to me earlier.
Oh, hi, awake Stan.
I didn't see you there.
I was just reading my favorite
best seller, The Bible.
We shot this in
a home you built
for Habitat for Humanity.
Shh.
I thought it was about time
we had a little chat.
You see, I'm your conscience.
You killed a hundred people
and I'm not letting you kill
anyone ever again.
Plus, I'm gonna keep doing
everything I can
to make up for what you've done.
That's great.
You're really digging deep
and I'm proud of you.
Now, there's just
the issue of your payment.
I'm sorry, I'm tapped out.
I keep giving away money.
Well... I accept
several forms of payment.
Whoa-ho! Don't need
to see that!
From here on out,
it's just bookkeeping.
This goody-goody
thinks he runs my life.
He can't stop me!
So... just like that?
Mmm, higher.
You turned the
camera off, right?
Don't talk! Don't talk.
If I'm gonna pull
this off, I got to be sharp.
So, just a little shuteye.
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let sleepwalking me
screw up my mission.
I left an envelope
at the front desk.
Have a bellboy bring it to me
in 25 minutes.
Just as I planned...
Couldn't get the bed
through the door, huh?
Sorry, buttmunch. I win.
What the hell?
Gummy bears?!
He replaced my bullets
with gummy bears
from the minibar.
That's gonna cost me
seven dollars!
Oh, he left money.
Well, I can't be mad about--
Wait, that's my money!
All right, this Belgian
is not going to
slip through our fingers again.
We have intel that he's planning
an attack on the downtown IHOP.
And this is a
very important IHOP to me.
It's where I saw the kid
from The Blind Side.
Sir, sir! I know you're
assigning a wet team
to take out
the Belgian terrorist.
But I want to be
the one to do it.
Forget it, Smith.
You had your chance
and you blew it.
And you bought some
really expensive candy.
But you don't understand!
I have to do this!
I have to prove to someone that
he can't stop me from killing.
Who?
Well, it's... it's me.
It's hard to explain,
but there's a part of me
that doesn't want me
to kill anymore.
Is it the same part of you
that forgot to pull up
his fly this morning?
Uhp, sorry.
Leave it, Smith.
Yes... that's very nice.
But this is very concerning.
If you can't
bring yourself to kill,
then there's no longer
a place for you at the CIA.
I'm afraid you're fired.
Fired?!
Yes. And from now on,
if you see me on the street,
understand that I'll have
to pretend I don't know you.
It'll look something like this.
I'm really up a creek,
Dr. Penguin.
Wait, hold that thought.
Ah, I can never get this.
Is it too cool in here?
I'm fine.
But are you... are you close
to not being fine, maybe?
Like, on the cool side?
I'll turn it up.
I got to get a
digital one of these.
I got to get in
the 21st century.
I got to join up.
I know I'm going to be
too warm in a minute.
So, did you kill
that terrorist?
No. Sleepwalking Stan
got in the way.
And now that I can't kill,
Bullock fired me.
Looks like my
goody two-shoes side won.
Not necessarily.
What do you mean?
Well, your conscience says
he's not going to
let you kill again.
So, all you have to do
is kill someone
and he'll realize you're
the one calling the shots
and he'll have to
leave you alone forever.
But I can't kill
that terrorist.
I'm not in the CIA anymore.
Forget the terrorist.
You just have to find
any bad guy and kill him.
Then you'll be back
to your old self
and you can get your job back.
I suppose, but who can I kill?
Well, just off
the top of my head,
Jeff Watley.
Who's that?
Real bad guy.
Worst of the worst.
Just awful.
Come on, I'll
explain on the way.
This Watley's a real sicko.
Got nabbed for sex trafficking
in Lower Manhattan
right after 9/11.
He was running a
kiddie porn ring,
but before the Feds
could drop the net on him,
he moved the whole
operation to Nova Scotia,
where it's nice and legal.
So, he's got it coming.
Oh, it doesn't stop there.
Guy starts moving drugs
between Nogales and Tucson.
This case actually
goes to trial,
but Benton was
on the bench, so...
need I say more?
Only if you want me
to understand.
Okay. With this guy,
you're going to want
to shoot him in the face
and ask questions later.
Very bad person.
All right, we're here.
Take whatever you want!
Please don't hurt me!
It's payback time,
you son of a bitch!
What?!
Hey... I remember you.
You're that guy
who freaked out when I got
the last pretzel at Wetzel's,
like, two weeks ago.
What are you
waiting for?! Kill him!
Pretzel?
What about all that horrible
stuff you said he did?
I was lying.
But it doesn't change the fact
that once you kill this guy
you'll be free
of your conscience.
And I'll have my vengeance.
No, Roger, it doesn't
work like that.
I only kill to protect my
country and people I love.
I only kill because I have to.
Wait a minute.
What if sleepwalking me
had to kill?
What are you talking about?
Well, the terrorist is
planning to blow up an IHOP.
So, I just need to put everyone
sleepwalking Stan loves
into that IHOP, fall asleep,
and make sleepwalking Stan
kill the terrorist himself.
If he refuses,
he'll have to see
everyone he loves
get blown to pieces.
Seems like a perfect plan to me.
But then again, I've only had
three hours of sleep
in the last week and a half.
I even offered you the pretzel!
Yeah, after you
drowned it in mustard!
This isn't over, Watley!
Come on, guys, it's time to eat.
There you are, Stan.
Why did you want us
to meet you at an IHOP?
Oh, good, you came.
There's no way he'll
let you guys die.
Um... what?
Just sit tight,
you're going to love this.
This IHOP has desecrated
the Belgian waffle
for the last time!
What you call the
"Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity"
I call spitting in the face
of my countrymen!
But that's served with pancakes.
Shut up, pig dog!
Oh, no!
Save us, Stan!
You got it, babe.
Good night.
Ah, oh, what's going on?
Oh, I'm at IHOP
with everyone I love!
What a perfect Sunday.
Dad, that crazy French guy
is going to kill us all!
Y-You got to stop him!
But that's not me.
I can't kill anyone.
You have to, Dad!
You have to save us!
But I... I can't.
It's... it's wrong.
Not when you're protecting
your loved ones.
For Belgium!
Oh, good, I didn't
have to kill him.
Mister, no!
What are you doing?!
Please, don't make me do it!
Come on, now. I'm-I'm
giving you a chance here.
This is terrible.
You're hurting us both,
almost equally.
Nobody's winning here.
This is awful.
Oh, man, he's still reaching!
Aw, gee whiz.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
It's over.
I won't have what he's having.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
Well, that was Bullock.
He was calling me
to offer my job back and...
two pounds of mushrooms.
That's great, honey!
And I hope
you said yes to both.
Sleep well.
Oh, I will.
I don't think my conscience is
going to bother me anymore.
Good night.
What are you doing here?
I thought I got rid of you.
Oh, no.
You got me to kill a man.
And now I understand
that the world's not as
black-and-white as I thought.
It's gray.
That's why it takes two of us
to ride through this world.
So... we're partners?
Till the bitter end.
All right, then, friend.
Put 'er there!
Hyah!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
You coming to bed, hon?
Just finishing up my nightlies.
Oh, honey.
I wish you wouldn't shove a
retainer full of cake
in your mouth every night.
But then I wouldn't taste
sweet chocolate in my dreams.
Plus, I don't want to
change my routine
before a big day like tomorrow.
What's happening tomorrow?
Ah, that's top secret.
But I can give you a hint.
I'm "poisoning...
a Russian... assassin."
Fine, don't tell me.
Well, good night.
Stan, you forgot.
It's Perfect Husband Time.
Oh, right,
the 20 seconds per month
I allot to your concerns.
Go!
Okay, uh-uh-um...
I-I-I saw
another stray dog today, Stan.
I was wondering
if we could adopt--
Pass.
Okay, uh-uh-um...
My parents asked if they could
see their children this year.
Pass. Ten seconds down.
I-I rented The Notebook.
Can we please, please, please
Three, two, one.
watch it tomorrow night?
Oh... unfortunately
we've run out of time.
But, you won't be
leaving empty-handed.
All of our contestants
go home with a parting gift.
Beep beep.
Hey, brother, spare a quarter?
"Spare" money, never
understood that.
Now, if you want
to earn some money,
I have noticed that my
shoelace is untied.
So I'll offer you a nickel
to tie it for me.
Here's a quarter.
Thanks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
I said a nickel.
I got change coming.
I don't have any.
No change?!
This is how you
run a business?!
Excuse me, where did you
get your shoelace tied?
I do it myself, ma'am.
- Sugar?
- I don't drink sugar.
Damn it!
Whoo-hoo!
Congratulations, Smith.
Wait, what's going on?
That was your 100th kill.
Get out of town.
We all wanted
to be here for it.
Well, thank you, sir.
But I think
I only have 99 kills.
We're counting
that agent who died
when you refused to
give him some bone marrow.
Even though you were
a perfect match.
Happy 100th, Stan.
It's not my birthday, dumb-ass.
No! I meant a hundred--
And a hundred.
I look 40, tops.
You look a hundred.
Do-do-doesn't
Dick look a hundred?
You do look old, Dick.
No retainer full of
cake tonight, sweetie?
Time to leave that
boyish tradition behind.
I've killed a hundred people.
I'm a man now.
A hundred people?
Plus I had 11 pieces
of cake at my party,
and I threw up all over
the elevator buttons.
Good morning, sweetie.
What...?
What are you smiling for?
Why am I covered in cake?
, hoy, you were so cute.
You were sleepwalking.
And I walked downstairs
and got some cake?
That's not all you did.
What?!
You sat me down and insisted
we watch The Notebook.
I did not watch The Notebook.
Boy, did you cry
when Noah bought
the abandoned house
on the lake.
Only because it fulfilled
Allie's lifelong dream.
Oh, my God, I watched
The Notebook!
What the hell is this?!
That's Rashes.
Our shelter dog.
You adopted him last night.
Why's he named Rashes?
Ah! Oh, gross! Ah!
Something terrible
happened to me!
I have to see Dr. Penguin!
Which one do you think, Stan?
I'm leaning towards lilac.
Roger, I don't want
to talk to Madam Buttercup!
Oh, that's a good name.
Okay, okay. Go lie on the couch.
Dr. Penguin, it's terrible.
Last night, I was sleepwalking
and I did all these
horribly nice things.
Nice things, eh?
Seems like someone's
conscience is coming out.
Of the closet?
I don't have a conscience.
Let alone a gay conscience.
No conscience?
Yeah. That's how
I'm so great at my job.
Hmm. Often when you sleepwalk,
the part of you
that you keep hidden
finds its way to the surface.
Did you rub poo on your shirt?
What? God, no,
it's cake.
Poo cake?
I'm putting poo cake
in your file.
Wait, no. Is that
my permanent record?
This is just a straw.
Anyway, I usually do
eat cake before bed,
but last night I didn't.
And then you sleepwalked
to the kitchen and ate some.
It's simple,
you're a man of habit.
Just go back to
eating cake before bed
and everything
will go back to normal.
Okay, that makes sense.
There ya go.
Well, we've got
40 minutes left.
You want to hold my feet
while I try to do a sit-up?
Ah... forget it.
Have you seen Rashes?
Oh, I gave him to a family.
Well, I-I guess you
could call them a family.
There was a man,
he was like the father.
There was no mom and no kids,
but a couple other men.
So, like four dads.
And they all worked
at a Korean restaurant.
Mmm. What a sleep.
Thank you, cake. Oh!
Good, you're awake.
Well, wait.
How did I get here?
You came in the middle
of the night to answer our ad...
and our prayers.
Wait, ad for what?
To be director of the orphanage!
The orphans can't wait
to meet you.
But I-I was sleepwalking.
I thought maybe you were.
But you're also
the only applicant
who didn't play with himself
while he examined
the children's files.
Well, I-I don't know
if I deserve this
just for taking a job.
Well... you did pay off
the loan on our bus.
I what?!
Huh, now, did I give you
any of my contact information?
Like, like how to find me
if I were to suddenly disappear?
Not yet.
If you'd like to
come to my office--
What is going on?!
Why do you keep doing
nice things in your sleep?
Because you're a nice man.
That's why you adopted me...
Daddy.
Oh, no, what have I done?!
Oh, thank God. It turned green.
Are you sure
you need more coffee?
You haven't slept in two days.
I can't sleep.
Who knows what
sleepwalking me will do.
Probably something really nice.
Hey, I'm nice, too.
But in metered doses.
The sleepwalking
version of me is too nice.
He's like Michael Keaton nice.
Michael Keaton?
He didn't have to
pose for that picture.
Honey, you're all frazzled.
You need some sleep.
All right,
five-minute power nap.
I'm setting an alarm,
but don't let me sleep
a minute longer.
Got it.
"Dear Stan, I'll need
more than five minutes
"to do all the good deeds
I have planned.
So I drugged your coffee.
Night, night."
What the hell?!
Sleeping pills?!
Was I sleepwalking?!
And did you let me
put these pills
in my own coffee?!
And then let me drink it?!
Yeah. It was exciting.
What else do I have going on?
What do you call
one of these places?
Where we are now?
A home?
No kiddin'!
After you went back to sleep,
you opened a soup kitchen
in our living room.
We fed 50 people today, Dad.
Damn it.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Dad.
Next time,
we'll feed a hundred.
Is anyone peeing here?
Yes.
Smith, we've received word that
a Belgian terrorist is in town,
and I want you to kill him.
Smith, are you falling asleep?
Ah, sorry sir,
just a little tired.
Oh, not to worry.
I've got some cocaine
right here.
But... i-isn't that illegal?
Ah... okay. You think
cocaine is a problem.
But I've done it for 32 years.
See, I'm part of a group of
responsible cocaine users.
We adhere to strict rules
to ensure things don't
get out of control.
Rules, sir?
It's not used to feel good.
Not for base pleasure,
certainly.
It's a medicine
to improve our lives,
like penicillin or opium.
Uh, I-I think I'll just
get some shuteye.
Of course, of course.
Perhaps opium
is more your speed.
See, I'm also part of a group
of responsible opium users.
Actually, I'm just gonna
go do my mission.
More for me, then.
Would you mind locking my door
on the way out?
Yes, sir.
I can play the bass solo
to "My Generation."
Bum-didabum-dibum- dibum-bum-bum...
Bum-didabum-dibum-
dibum-bum-bum...
Where are you off to,
shiny briefcase?
To kill another terrorist.
Oh. There's something
you might want to see first.
So, your sleepwalking self
came to me earlier.
Oh, hi, awake Stan.
I didn't see you there.
I was just reading my favorite
best seller, The Bible.
We shot this in
a home you built
for Habitat for Humanity.
Shh.
I thought it was about time
we had a little chat.
You see, I'm your conscience.
You killed a hundred people
and I'm not letting you kill
anyone ever again.
Plus, I'm gonna keep doing
everything I can
to make up for what you've done.
That's great.
You're really digging deep
and I'm proud of you.
Now, there's just
the issue of your payment.
I'm sorry, I'm tapped out.
I keep giving away money.
Well... I accept
several forms of payment.
Whoa-ho! Don't need
to see that!
From here on out,
it's just bookkeeping.
This goody-goody
thinks he runs my life.
He can't stop me!
So... just like that?
Mmm, higher.
You turned the
camera off, right?
Don't talk! Don't talk.
If I'm gonna pull
this off, I got to be sharp.
So, just a little shuteye.
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let sleepwalking me
screw up my mission.
I left an envelope
at the front desk.
Have a bellboy bring it to me
in 25 minutes.
Just as I planned...
Couldn't get the bed
through the door, huh?
Sorry, buttmunch. I win.
What the hell?
Gummy bears?!
He replaced my bullets
with gummy bears
from the minibar.
That's gonna cost me
seven dollars!
Oh, he left money.
Well, I can't be mad about--
Wait, that's my money!
All right, this Belgian
is not going to
slip through our fingers again.
We have intel that he's planning
an attack on the downtown IHOP.
And this is a
very important IHOP to me.
It's where I saw the kid
from The Blind Side.
Sir, sir! I know you're
assigning a wet team
to take out
the Belgian terrorist.
But I want to be
the one to do it.
Forget it, Smith.
You had your chance
and you blew it.
And you bought some
really expensive candy.
But you don't understand!
I have to do this!
I have to prove to someone that
he can't stop me from killing.
Who?
Well, it's... it's me.
It's hard to explain,
but there's a part of me
that doesn't want me
to kill anymore.
Is it the same part of you
that forgot to pull up
his fly this morning?
Uhp, sorry.
Leave it, Smith.
Yes... that's very nice.
But this is very concerning.
If you can't
bring yourself to kill,
then there's no longer
a place for you at the CIA.
I'm afraid you're fired.
Fired?!
Yes. And from now on,
if you see me on the street,
understand that I'll have
to pretend I don't know you.
It'll look something like this.
I'm really up a creek,
Dr. Penguin.
Wait, hold that thought.
Ah, I can never get this.
Is it too cool in here?
I'm fine.
But are you... are you close
to not being fine, maybe?
Like, on the cool side?
I'll turn it up.
I got to get a
digital one of these.
I got to get in
the 21st century.
I got to join up.
I know I'm going to be
too warm in a minute.
So, did you kill
that terrorist?
No. Sleepwalking Stan
got in the way.
And now that I can't kill,
Bullock fired me.
Looks like my
goody two-shoes side won.
Not necessarily.
What do you mean?
Well, your conscience says
he's not going to
let you kill again.
So, all you have to do
is kill someone
and he'll realize you're
the one calling the shots
and he'll have to
leave you alone forever.
But I can't kill
that terrorist.
I'm not in the CIA anymore.
Forget the terrorist.
You just have to find
any bad guy and kill him.
Then you'll be back
to your old self
and you can get your job back.
I suppose, but who can I kill?
Well, just off
the top of my head,
Jeff Watley.
Who's that?
Real bad guy.
Worst of the worst.
Just awful.
Come on, I'll
explain on the way.
This Watley's a real sicko.
Got nabbed for sex trafficking
in Lower Manhattan
right after 9/11.
He was running a
kiddie porn ring,
but before the Feds
could drop the net on him,
he moved the whole
operation to Nova Scotia,
where it's nice and legal.
So, he's got it coming.
Oh, it doesn't stop there.
Guy starts moving drugs
between Nogales and Tucson.
This case actually
goes to trial,
but Benton was
on the bench, so...
need I say more?
Only if you want me
to understand.
Okay. With this guy,
you're going to want
to shoot him in the face
and ask questions later.
Very bad person.
All right, we're here.
Take whatever you want!
Please don't hurt me!
It's payback time,
you son of a bitch!
What?!
Hey... I remember you.
You're that guy
who freaked out when I got
the last pretzel at Wetzel's,
like, two weeks ago.
What are you
waiting for?! Kill him!
Pretzel?
What about all that horrible
stuff you said he did?
I was lying.
But it doesn't change the fact
that once you kill this guy
you'll be free
of your conscience.
And I'll have my vengeance.
No, Roger, it doesn't
work like that.
I only kill to protect my
country and people I love.
I only kill because I have to.
Wait a minute.
What if sleepwalking me
had to kill?
What are you talking about?
Well, the terrorist is
planning to blow up an IHOP.
So, I just need to put everyone
sleepwalking Stan loves
into that IHOP, fall asleep,
and make sleepwalking Stan
kill the terrorist himself.
If he refuses,
he'll have to see
everyone he loves
get blown to pieces.
Seems like a perfect plan to me.
But then again, I've only had
three hours of sleep
in the last week and a half.
I even offered you the pretzel!
Yeah, after you
drowned it in mustard!
This isn't over, Watley!
Come on, guys, it's time to eat.
There you are, Stan.
Why did you want us
to meet you at an IHOP?
Oh, good, you came.
There's no way he'll
let you guys die.
Um... what?
Just sit tight,
you're going to love this.
This IHOP has desecrated
the Belgian waffle
for the last time!
What you call the
"Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity"
I call spitting in the face
of my countrymen!
But that's served with pancakes.
Shut up, pig dog!
Oh, no!
Save us, Stan!
You got it, babe.
Good night.
Ah, oh, what's going on?
Oh, I'm at IHOP
with everyone I love!
What a perfect Sunday.
Dad, that crazy French guy
is going to kill us all!
Y-You got to stop him!
But that's not me.
I can't kill anyone.
You have to, Dad!
You have to save us!
But I... I can't.
It's... it's wrong.
Not when you're protecting
your loved ones.
For Belgium!
Oh, good, I didn't
have to kill him.
Mister, no!
What are you doing?!
Please, don't make me do it!
Come on, now. I'm-I'm
giving you a chance here.
This is terrible.
You're hurting us both,
almost equally.
Nobody's winning here.
This is awful.
Oh, man, he's still reaching!
Aw, gee whiz.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
It's over.
I won't have what he's having.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
Well, that was Bullock.
He was calling me
to offer my job back and...
two pounds of mushrooms.
That's great, honey!
And I hope
you said yes to both.
Sleep well.
Oh, I will.
I don't think my conscience is
going to bother me anymore.
Good night.
What are you doing here?
I thought I got rid of you.
Oh, no.
You got me to kill a man.
And now I understand
that the world's not as
black-and-white as I thought.
It's gray.
That's why it takes two of us
to ride through this world.
So... we're partners?
Till the bitter end.
All right, then, friend.
Put 'er there!
Hyah!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!