American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Steve and Snot's Test-Tubular Adventure - full transcript
Steve and Snot create two clones so that they can have a date to a school dance, but things do not go as planned.
(upbeat march plays)
♪ Good morning, USA!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
TEENAGE BOY:
Drink it up, virgins! (laughs)
(coughs)
(pants) How you doing over there, bud?
I was thinking, um,
if the school switched
to waterless urinals, they
could save over 35 gallons
every time these
guys swirlied us.
Yup, those numbers check out.
Wait, Vince, hold up, hold up.
Let's see how virginy
these guys really are.
Have you even touched a boob?
Yeah! I was breast-fed.
Nice! What about you?
I was a formula baby.
My mom's an alcoholic.
Wrong answer!
(coughs)
Next question.
Have either of you ever
gazed into the eyes
of your lover as the
world falls away,
and you realize you're
no longer two people
but one soul united?
Um...
Um...
Gay!
Gay!
(coughing)
(coughing)
Man, we're pathetic!
We got to find
a way to have sex.
And not just for them,
for us, too!
It's not like we haven't tried.
Great. No paper towels.
This day is a beast.
That's it! Prom!
Prom is when girls are
socially conditioned
to put out the most.
Yes, assuming you can
get them to go with you.
How are we gonna get dates?
I don't know. Who-who are guys
that get lots of girls?
Celebrities?
You're right.
We need new head shots.
Dude, our head shots
almost got us
the OshKosh B'gosh campaign.
I'm keeping 'em.
So, in summary,
we're hoping you can tell us
how we can land
two willing ladies
to go to the prom with us.
Now, they don't
have to be smart,
their breasts don't need
to be prizewinners,
but we should know
they're there,
and their asses should...
Stop!
You guys are pigs.
You can't objectify
women like this.
These girls
you're talking about,
they're someone's sister,
someone's daughter.
I-If, if you'll just let
me finish my sentence.
Asses. We'd prefer slightly
too large or boyish.
But this is low-priority.
Look, I'd love
to stay and tell you
how disgusting you are,
but I got to go dump out
to make room for this
hot and cheesy hoagie.
(squawking)
W-Was that
a dodo?
I thought they were extinct.
Nope. Thanks to the
cloning machine at work,
the only thing that's
extinct-- dot, dot, dot--
is extinction.
Come here, you.
It's my week
to take care of Darren.
(kissing)
I wuv you, Dawwen!
Is my little dodo hungry?
(happy grunting)
Ah, the dodo--
Raphus cucullatus.
These magnificent creatures
would still be around today
if not
for the bloodthirsty Dutch
hunting them
to extinction in 1662.
(squawks)
The very same year the world lost
French poet François
le Métel de Boisrobert.
Nobody cares about
your stuff, Francine.
(squawks)
Oh, no, you don't.
Can't let this guy get out.
If the world discovered
the CIA was cloning things,
they'd shut us down
for playing God.
You know who else played God?
George Burns.
And he's dead!
So, we might not know girls,
but we do know math,
and if we ask
every girl in school,
odds are two of 'em are bound
to go to prom with us.
Sorry, not interested.
I don't think so.
In your dreams, nerd!
What...
about...
no...
don't...
you...
understand?
Hey, fellas.
Hi, guys.
Steven.
(speaks Hebrew)
So, since none of us
have dates for the prom,
Snot and I were thinking the
four of us could all hang out.
No girls, no distractions,
just another
hard-core BF weekend!
Sounds great, but Toshi
and I already have dates.
What?!
We're taking twins!
♪
ANNOUNCER:
Twins!
We don't have any twins
at this school.
Sure, we do.
♪
ANNOUNCER:
Twins!
I can't believe this!
We're gonna be the last
virgins on the planet.
Well, what are we
supposed to do?
Every girl turned us down.
Even the quadriplegic
girl blinked "no."
(squawks)
Stupid clone dodo.
Wait a second.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I don't know.
Isn't Darren a boy bird?
I mean, I guess he
can't tell on us.
What? No.
W... We use the cloning
machine at my dad's work
to make prom dates.
Really?
Yeah, man. We find two
of the hottest girls around,
we get their DNA, we clone 'em,
and we bone 'em!
Totally on board.
But where do we get
DNA for our T-n-A?
GIRL: Oh, my God,
I wish I had your boobs.
GIRL 2: Oh, my God, I wish
I had your eating disorder.
Field day!
The perfect DNA sample!
All we need is
another one and...
What are you two
doing in here?!
I know it looks bad--
two teenage boys
in a girls' dressing room--
but I can assure you
we are only here
to collect pubic hair.
Darn! We only got
one DNA sample!
And stay out, perverts!
(hawks, spits)
(slo-mo, oscillating
sci-fi sound effect)
(distorted, slo-mo):
D... N... A!
(screams)
(thud)
(people gasp)
(insects chirping)
Okay, we got six hours
to find the cloning machine.
I brought trail mix and water in
case it takes us all night to...
Found it!
Good thing I brought
this trash can
in case we found it right away.
(whir, click)
(whir, click)
Wait!
(high-pitched whirring)
What are you gonna name yours?
I want mine to have
a sexy stripper name,
like Honey.
I'm gonna name mine after
my great-grandmother,
Glitter.
Naming your sex clone
after your great-grandmother.
That's a nice way to honor her.
(whirring)
Here we go.
Bring on the babes!
(hissing)
(cooing)
(gasps)
(screams)
Un-clone! Un-clone!
Control-Z!
Control-Z!
(exhales)
They're finally asleep.
Man...
this backfired.
I know. In every cloning movie,
they come out fully grown.
This isn't a movie, Steve!
This is real life!
We waltzed into the
CIA to clone dates
from pubic hair and spit,
and now we're totally
screwed for prom!
Forget prom! What, what are we
gonna do about these babies?
We got to get to school!
"Rainbow Unicorn
Gardens Day Care."
Where is it?
(music box playing lullaby)
Oh, you must be
the new applicants.
Hi. I'm Skyler Montessori,
founder of Rainbow
Unicorn Gardens.
We are an elite,
exclusive day care,
but we strive for diversity.
This one's dirt-poor.
It's fun.
So, can we just drop them off
and pick them up after school?
Oh, no, no, no, no,
not so fast.
We don't take just any children.
There's a rigorous
application process.
We don't have time for this.
We'll find someplace else.
Wait.
Your baby doesn't
have a belly button.
That's, um...
because they're clones.
Clones?
Well, hmm...
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Stacey over at the Sunshine
Shack doesn't have any clones.
I'll take 'em!
Thank God!
(sputtering nearby)
No! Damien, we
do not eat glue!
The glue is not for eating!
(inhales)
(giggling)
You guys...
you guys are like...
little people.
(bell rings)
I never thought I'd say this,
but crap, school's over.
I know. Is there
anything we can do
to avoid going home
to those babies?
Maybe. Watch this.
Hey, Miss Lane,
Snot and I were just giggling
and talking about
how your ass is disgusting.
Is that the kind of thing
that would land two boys
in detention?
Steve, Snot, detention...
is for boys who
don't tell the truth.
(both sigh)
Oh, there you are!
And only two hours late!
Oh, it's okay, though.
I can always get the next bus.
It's fine. Yeah, it's fine
that I spend my days
taking care
of other people's kids
while my own kids are raised
by my bitch mother.
That's a super sad fake story,
but we're not
the only late ones.
What about
those girls' parents?
Actually, those are your girls.
What?!
Yep, they did
a lot of growing today.
When they got here
they couldn't even sit up,
and now I taught them
to-- girls, do it!
They can do...
whatever that's called.
How is this possible?
They must be... five
years old by now.
Do you realize what this means?
At the accelerated rate
they're growing,
they're gonna be the right age
for prom by Saturday!
Cool! We can just
leave 'em here!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, sirs,
this is a day care.
Your girls are getting too old.
Fortunately, my sister
happens to run
a girls' finishing school
in this very attic.
My sister
mentioned you'd be by.
Madeline Carpal-Tunnel,
pleased to meet you.
Backs straight, girls!
And remember, those books
are for posture only.
A literate girl
is a lonely girl.
This is awesome!
In just two more days they'll be
the perfect age for prom.
And after prom.
How old do you have to be
to go to the Waffle House?
Oh, that's not what you meant.
♪
♪
♪
(laughing)
Okay, girls,
time for bed.
I'm so excited
for prom tomorrow!
Good night, ladies.
Wait! We made you
something to wear to prom.
Aw.
Aw.
Thanks, doodlebug.
Mwah.
(quietly):
A macaroni necklace.
Do I look like a necklace guy?
The point is,
she made you something.
Yeah, no, I know.
She's just...
kind of a disappointment.
Ah, prom night.
It's been a long road, but
the girls are finally of age.
Time to punch
our V-cards.
I'd love to tell you
I feel unprepared,
but the space between my couch
cushions would beg to differ.
ROGER:
Okay, they're ready!
Dude!
Dude!
♪
♪
Didn't think you had it in you,
but, seriously, sick trim, bro.
(squawks)
Come on, you kids, picture time!
Guys, move in a little closer
like you want to do 'em.
Can... you girls
give us a second?
I-I don't know if I can
go through with this.
I mean, I raised Glitter.
She's practically my daughter.
I know. I feel the
same way about Honey.
We even have the same laugh.
(braying laugh)
What do we do?
We've literally waited
our whole lives to go to prom.
They're really excited to go.
Clearly we can't sleep
with our daughters, but...
I guess we could still
take them...
as friends.
Yeah, you're right.
We'll just take
them as friends.
Go grab the corsages,
will you, bud?
(squawking)
(gun clicking)
Where did Snot and Glitter go?
(car door shuts)
Uh, are those condoms?!
Snot, we said we weren't gonna
sleep with our daughters!
You didn't say
I couldn't plow yours!
But it was heavily implied!
(crying):
It was heavily implied.
Snot just ran off
with my daughter!
Your daughter?
I mean... my water.
The majority of our body
is made out of water.
He's right. We're water.
I'm a man made out of water.
I'm a water man!
Do you know what this means?
Don't just sit there and stare
at me, you sack of water.
Say something!
We're water!
♪
Quick, have you guys seen Snot?
He left. Said he couldn't
wait until after prom
to lose his virginity, so he
took Glitter back to his limo.
Oh, no! What if he's already
having sex with her?
Hey!
Sorry, tubby.
You snooze, you lose.
So... where you from?
The C.I.A.
Huh, small world.
I work there.
And, uh, how long have you and
Steve been friends?
My whole life.
Three days.
Three days?
That means you were born
on the 30th.
You have the same birthday
as Selena Gomez.
That lucky duck.
She has a belly button ring.
You should so get one of those.
I can't. I don't
have a belly button.
Now I get it.
Excuse me, I must use my
wireless telephone right now.
STEVE (recorded): This is the voice
mailbox of Steven Anita Smith.
I'm Anita call you back.
(chuckles)
(beep)
Steve, I know you cloned these girls!
If the C.I.A. finds out,
I'll lose my job.
Now I got to un-clone them.
Un-clone
means kill.
Whoops.
Un-clone means kill.
(beep)
Honey!
(gasps)
(gunshot)
(screams)
Stan!
Don't judge me.
It was just a clone.
See, doesn't even feel pain.
ANNOUNCER: All right, American
Dadders, earlier in the episode
Francine made reference to poet
François le Métel
de Boisrobert.
What country did he hail from?
(ticking)
(buzzer blares)
The answer is...
Spain.
Keep up your learning, America!
Now, Steve and Snot,
take it away!
(gasps)
(Snot grunting)
What are you doing here?!
Taking you home.
Come on.
(groans)
You are ruining prom!
(sighs)
Come on, Steve.
This might be our only chance
to lose our virginity.
It's what we've always wanted.
Not like this, Snot.
Not like this.
But this is what my whole
life's been leading up to.
Yes, and it's all my fault.
Glitter, you're not just
some conquest.
You're an amazing
and beautiful young woman,
and that's how
you should be treated.
My sister was right.
You are somebody's daughter.
Mine.
There's no one else like you
in this entire universe.
You mean... except for
the person I was cloned from?
That girl's nothing like you.
Total bitch.
She spit in my face.
And it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
(sniffling)
That was beautiful, Steve.
(gunshot)
I know she's in there, Steve!
Go! I'll hold him off!
Hey, Mr. Smith.
Hey, Snot.
That was brave, dude.
That clone has to die, Steve!
You can't kill her!
I raised her
from a little loogie!
We're all water, Steve!
♪
(gunshot)
(thunder rumbling)
I think we can jump and make it
to the cafeteria.
You ready, Glitter?
Glitter?
(groaning)
What's wrong?
I've reached the age
of the girl I was cloned from
and my body's shutting down.
Clonal cellular deterioration?
Maybe.
No!
This can't be happening.
You can't die yet.
You haven't experienced
all the wonderful things
I've dreamt for you.
Because of you,
I've seen things
you wouldn't believe,
like dust motes glittering in a
sunbeam through an attic window
or the inside of a limousine,
which is like a really big car,
which I have no reference for
because I've never been
in a regular-sized car.
(moans)
And-and that's pretty much all I've seen, but...
that seems like
a pretty full life.
And I got to know the one person
who gave me all this,
the nicest father in the world:
you.
Time...
to die.
(squawks)
(gunshots)
(screams)
Just to be sure.
My daughter...
she's gone.
No parent should have
to bury their child.
Which is why your mother
and I have arranged for you
to be cremated.
What am I supposed to do now?
You're gonna have
to be strong, Steve.
Be a man and move on
with your life.
(squawks)
Darren!
(sobbing)
It's okay. Y-You just have
to be strong, remember?
Shut up!
Get away from me!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, it hurts!
No one's ever felt this kind
of pain before!
I know it's hard, Dad.
But we're both gonna have
to learn to let go.
Wait a minute.
I think I have a solution
to both our problems.
(beeping, hissing)
(gurgling, shrieking)
Dear God.
Yeah, didn't think that one
all the way through.
(weeping)
(weeping continues)
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
♪ Good morning, USA!
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
TEENAGE BOY:
Drink it up, virgins! (laughs)
(coughs)
(pants) How you doing over there, bud?
I was thinking, um,
if the school switched
to waterless urinals, they
could save over 35 gallons
every time these
guys swirlied us.
Yup, those numbers check out.
Wait, Vince, hold up, hold up.
Let's see how virginy
these guys really are.
Have you even touched a boob?
Yeah! I was breast-fed.
Nice! What about you?
I was a formula baby.
My mom's an alcoholic.
Wrong answer!
(coughs)
Next question.
Have either of you ever
gazed into the eyes
of your lover as the
world falls away,
and you realize you're
no longer two people
but one soul united?
Um...
Um...
Gay!
Gay!
(coughing)
(coughing)
Man, we're pathetic!
We got to find
a way to have sex.
And not just for them,
for us, too!
It's not like we haven't tried.
Great. No paper towels.
This day is a beast.
That's it! Prom!
Prom is when girls are
socially conditioned
to put out the most.
Yes, assuming you can
get them to go with you.
How are we gonna get dates?
I don't know. Who-who are guys
that get lots of girls?
Celebrities?
You're right.
We need new head shots.
Dude, our head shots
almost got us
the OshKosh B'gosh campaign.
I'm keeping 'em.
So, in summary,
we're hoping you can tell us
how we can land
two willing ladies
to go to the prom with us.
Now, they don't
have to be smart,
their breasts don't need
to be prizewinners,
but we should know
they're there,
and their asses should...
Stop!
You guys are pigs.
You can't objectify
women like this.
These girls
you're talking about,
they're someone's sister,
someone's daughter.
I-If, if you'll just let
me finish my sentence.
Asses. We'd prefer slightly
too large or boyish.
But this is low-priority.
Look, I'd love
to stay and tell you
how disgusting you are,
but I got to go dump out
to make room for this
hot and cheesy hoagie.
(squawking)
W-Was that
a dodo?
I thought they were extinct.
Nope. Thanks to the
cloning machine at work,
the only thing that's
extinct-- dot, dot, dot--
is extinction.
Come here, you.
It's my week
to take care of Darren.
(kissing)
I wuv you, Dawwen!
Is my little dodo hungry?
(happy grunting)
Ah, the dodo--
Raphus cucullatus.
These magnificent creatures
would still be around today
if not
for the bloodthirsty Dutch
hunting them
to extinction in 1662.
(squawks)
The very same year the world lost
French poet François
le Métel de Boisrobert.
Nobody cares about
your stuff, Francine.
(squawks)
Oh, no, you don't.
Can't let this guy get out.
If the world discovered
the CIA was cloning things,
they'd shut us down
for playing God.
You know who else played God?
George Burns.
And he's dead!
So, we might not know girls,
but we do know math,
and if we ask
every girl in school,
odds are two of 'em are bound
to go to prom with us.
Sorry, not interested.
I don't think so.
In your dreams, nerd!
What...
about...
no...
don't...
you...
understand?
Hey, fellas.
Hi, guys.
Steven.
(speaks Hebrew)
So, since none of us
have dates for the prom,
Snot and I were thinking the
four of us could all hang out.
No girls, no distractions,
just another
hard-core BF weekend!
Sounds great, but Toshi
and I already have dates.
What?!
We're taking twins!
♪
ANNOUNCER:
Twins!
We don't have any twins
at this school.
Sure, we do.
♪
ANNOUNCER:
Twins!
I can't believe this!
We're gonna be the last
virgins on the planet.
Well, what are we
supposed to do?
Every girl turned us down.
Even the quadriplegic
girl blinked "no."
(squawks)
Stupid clone dodo.
Wait a second.
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
I don't know.
Isn't Darren a boy bird?
I mean, I guess he
can't tell on us.
What? No.
W... We use the cloning
machine at my dad's work
to make prom dates.
Really?
Yeah, man. We find two
of the hottest girls around,
we get their DNA, we clone 'em,
and we bone 'em!
Totally on board.
But where do we get
DNA for our T-n-A?
GIRL: Oh, my God,
I wish I had your boobs.
GIRL 2: Oh, my God, I wish
I had your eating disorder.
Field day!
The perfect DNA sample!
All we need is
another one and...
What are you two
doing in here?!
I know it looks bad--
two teenage boys
in a girls' dressing room--
but I can assure you
we are only here
to collect pubic hair.
Darn! We only got
one DNA sample!
And stay out, perverts!
(hawks, spits)
(slo-mo, oscillating
sci-fi sound effect)
(distorted, slo-mo):
D... N... A!
(screams)
(thud)
(people gasp)
(insects chirping)
Okay, we got six hours
to find the cloning machine.
I brought trail mix and water in
case it takes us all night to...
Found it!
Good thing I brought
this trash can
in case we found it right away.
(whir, click)
(whir, click)
Wait!
(high-pitched whirring)
What are you gonna name yours?
I want mine to have
a sexy stripper name,
like Honey.
I'm gonna name mine after
my great-grandmother,
Glitter.
Naming your sex clone
after your great-grandmother.
That's a nice way to honor her.
(whirring)
Here we go.
Bring on the babes!
(hissing)
(cooing)
(gasps)
(screams)
Un-clone! Un-clone!
Control-Z!
Control-Z!
(exhales)
They're finally asleep.
Man...
this backfired.
I know. In every cloning movie,
they come out fully grown.
This isn't a movie, Steve!
This is real life!
We waltzed into the
CIA to clone dates
from pubic hair and spit,
and now we're totally
screwed for prom!
Forget prom! What, what are we
gonna do about these babies?
We got to get to school!
"Rainbow Unicorn
Gardens Day Care."
Where is it?
(music box playing lullaby)
Oh, you must be
the new applicants.
Hi. I'm Skyler Montessori,
founder of Rainbow
Unicorn Gardens.
We are an elite,
exclusive day care,
but we strive for diversity.
This one's dirt-poor.
It's fun.
So, can we just drop them off
and pick them up after school?
Oh, no, no, no, no,
not so fast.
We don't take just any children.
There's a rigorous
application process.
We don't have time for this.
We'll find someplace else.
Wait.
Your baby doesn't
have a belly button.
That's, um...
because they're clones.
Clones?
Well, hmm...
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Stacey over at the Sunshine
Shack doesn't have any clones.
I'll take 'em!
Thank God!
(sputtering nearby)
No! Damien, we
do not eat glue!
The glue is not for eating!
(inhales)
(giggling)
You guys...
you guys are like...
little people.
(bell rings)
I never thought I'd say this,
but crap, school's over.
I know. Is there
anything we can do
to avoid going home
to those babies?
Maybe. Watch this.
Hey, Miss Lane,
Snot and I were just giggling
and talking about
how your ass is disgusting.
Is that the kind of thing
that would land two boys
in detention?
Steve, Snot, detention...
is for boys who
don't tell the truth.
(both sigh)
Oh, there you are!
And only two hours late!
Oh, it's okay, though.
I can always get the next bus.
It's fine. Yeah, it's fine
that I spend my days
taking care
of other people's kids
while my own kids are raised
by my bitch mother.
That's a super sad fake story,
but we're not
the only late ones.
What about
those girls' parents?
Actually, those are your girls.
What?!
Yep, they did
a lot of growing today.
When they got here
they couldn't even sit up,
and now I taught them
to-- girls, do it!
They can do...
whatever that's called.
How is this possible?
They must be... five
years old by now.
Do you realize what this means?
At the accelerated rate
they're growing,
they're gonna be the right age
for prom by Saturday!
Cool! We can just
leave 'em here!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, sirs,
this is a day care.
Your girls are getting too old.
Fortunately, my sister
happens to run
a girls' finishing school
in this very attic.
My sister
mentioned you'd be by.
Madeline Carpal-Tunnel,
pleased to meet you.
Backs straight, girls!
And remember, those books
are for posture only.
A literate girl
is a lonely girl.
This is awesome!
In just two more days they'll be
the perfect age for prom.
And after prom.
How old do you have to be
to go to the Waffle House?
Oh, that's not what you meant.
♪
♪
♪
(laughing)
Okay, girls,
time for bed.
I'm so excited
for prom tomorrow!
Good night, ladies.
Wait! We made you
something to wear to prom.
Aw.
Aw.
Thanks, doodlebug.
Mwah.
(quietly):
A macaroni necklace.
Do I look like a necklace guy?
The point is,
she made you something.
Yeah, no, I know.
She's just...
kind of a disappointment.
Ah, prom night.
It's been a long road, but
the girls are finally of age.
Time to punch
our V-cards.
I'd love to tell you
I feel unprepared,
but the space between my couch
cushions would beg to differ.
ROGER:
Okay, they're ready!
Dude!
Dude!
♪
♪
Didn't think you had it in you,
but, seriously, sick trim, bro.
(squawks)
Come on, you kids, picture time!
Guys, move in a little closer
like you want to do 'em.
Can... you girls
give us a second?
I-I don't know if I can
go through with this.
I mean, I raised Glitter.
She's practically my daughter.
I know. I feel the
same way about Honey.
We even have the same laugh.
(braying laugh)
What do we do?
We've literally waited
our whole lives to go to prom.
They're really excited to go.
Clearly we can't sleep
with our daughters, but...
I guess we could still
take them...
as friends.
Yeah, you're right.
We'll just take
them as friends.
Go grab the corsages,
will you, bud?
(squawking)
(gun clicking)
Where did Snot and Glitter go?
(car door shuts)
Uh, are those condoms?!
Snot, we said we weren't gonna
sleep with our daughters!
You didn't say
I couldn't plow yours!
But it was heavily implied!
(crying):
It was heavily implied.
Snot just ran off
with my daughter!
Your daughter?
I mean... my water.
The majority of our body
is made out of water.
He's right. We're water.
I'm a man made out of water.
I'm a water man!
Do you know what this means?
Don't just sit there and stare
at me, you sack of water.
Say something!
We're water!
♪
Quick, have you guys seen Snot?
He left. Said he couldn't
wait until after prom
to lose his virginity, so he
took Glitter back to his limo.
Oh, no! What if he's already
having sex with her?
Hey!
Sorry, tubby.
You snooze, you lose.
So... where you from?
The C.I.A.
Huh, small world.
I work there.
And, uh, how long have you and
Steve been friends?
My whole life.
Three days.
Three days?
That means you were born
on the 30th.
You have the same birthday
as Selena Gomez.
That lucky duck.
She has a belly button ring.
You should so get one of those.
I can't. I don't
have a belly button.
Now I get it.
Excuse me, I must use my
wireless telephone right now.
STEVE (recorded): This is the voice
mailbox of Steven Anita Smith.
I'm Anita call you back.
(chuckles)
(beep)
Steve, I know you cloned these girls!
If the C.I.A. finds out,
I'll lose my job.
Now I got to un-clone them.
Un-clone
means kill.
Whoops.
Un-clone means kill.
(beep)
Honey!
(gasps)
(gunshot)
(screams)
Stan!
Don't judge me.
It was just a clone.
See, doesn't even feel pain.
ANNOUNCER: All right, American
Dadders, earlier in the episode
Francine made reference to poet
François le Métel
de Boisrobert.
What country did he hail from?
(ticking)
(buzzer blares)
The answer is...
Spain.
Keep up your learning, America!
Now, Steve and Snot,
take it away!
(gasps)
(Snot grunting)
What are you doing here?!
Taking you home.
Come on.
(groans)
You are ruining prom!
(sighs)
Come on, Steve.
This might be our only chance
to lose our virginity.
It's what we've always wanted.
Not like this, Snot.
Not like this.
But this is what my whole
life's been leading up to.
Yes, and it's all my fault.
Glitter, you're not just
some conquest.
You're an amazing
and beautiful young woman,
and that's how
you should be treated.
My sister was right.
You are somebody's daughter.
Mine.
There's no one else like you
in this entire universe.
You mean... except for
the person I was cloned from?
That girl's nothing like you.
Total bitch.
She spit in my face.
And it was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
(sniffling)
That was beautiful, Steve.
(gunshot)
I know she's in there, Steve!
Go! I'll hold him off!
Hey, Mr. Smith.
Hey, Snot.
That was brave, dude.
That clone has to die, Steve!
You can't kill her!
I raised her
from a little loogie!
We're all water, Steve!
♪
(gunshot)
(thunder rumbling)
I think we can jump and make it
to the cafeteria.
You ready, Glitter?
Glitter?
(groaning)
What's wrong?
I've reached the age
of the girl I was cloned from
and my body's shutting down.
Clonal cellular deterioration?
Maybe.
No!
This can't be happening.
You can't die yet.
You haven't experienced
all the wonderful things
I've dreamt for you.
Because of you,
I've seen things
you wouldn't believe,
like dust motes glittering in a
sunbeam through an attic window
or the inside of a limousine,
which is like a really big car,
which I have no reference for
because I've never been
in a regular-sized car.
(moans)
And-and that's pretty much all I've seen, but...
that seems like
a pretty full life.
And I got to know the one person
who gave me all this,
the nicest father in the world:
you.
Time...
to die.
(squawks)
(gunshots)
(screams)
Just to be sure.
My daughter...
she's gone.
No parent should have
to bury their child.
Which is why your mother
and I have arranged for you
to be cremated.
What am I supposed to do now?
You're gonna have
to be strong, Steve.
Be a man and move on
with your life.
(squawks)
Darren!
(sobbing)
It's okay. Y-You just have
to be strong, remember?
Shut up!
Get away from me!
Oh, God!
Oh, God, it hurts!
No one's ever felt this kind
of pain before!
I know it's hard, Dad.
But we're both gonna have
to learn to let go.
Wait a minute.
I think I have a solution
to both our problems.
(beeping, hissing)
(gurgling, shrieking)
Dear God.
Yeah, didn't think that one
all the way through.
(weeping)
(weeping continues)
Bye! Have a beautiful time.