American Dad! (2005–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Poltergasm - full transcript
A poltergeist visits the Smith family.
(upbeat march plays)
¶ Good morning, USA!
¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
¶ Good...
¶ Good morning, USA
Aah!
¶ Good morning, USA!
("The Star-Spangled Banner"
playing)
(music stops)
Ah, Frankie Scott Key.
You're the white man's
Marvin Gaye.
Amazing sex, Francine.
Yup, you completely
reduced my swelling.
And how was it
for you, Francine?
It was great, right?
Wasn't it so great?
As always, Stan.
It was... fabulous.
Just fabulous.
Couldn't have chosen
a better word.
It wafantastic.
Just think. For 20 years,
I've been taking you
to Satisfaction Avenue.
You know, that's where you...
get off.
And then wait for the next bus,
which comes right on schedule,
every 96 hours.
Uh, yup, that's
my stop, baby.
(electrical buzzing
and popping)
Oh, there go the
lights again.
I'll check
the fuse box.
(match striking)
Whoa, where'd you get
that old candelabra?
Oh, I keep it
under the bed.
Next to the
flashlight.
(woman giggling)
(man and woman laughing)
(woman laughing)
(both moaning)
(moaning)
(moaning)
(shrieks) Mom,
what are you doing?!
Oh, my, Hayley, who's your
swarthy, chiseled friend?
Mom, this is
Mauricio.
We are benefits.
Benefits?
Uh, he means we're friends with
benefits, but we're not friends.
Well, then, just
pretend I'm not here.
All right,
Mom. Creepy.
Come on, Mauricio,
let's go upstairs.
Please. Save your legs
for spasming.
We'll try to keep it down.
(both moaning)
Or don't.
(moaning continues)
It'd be nice to hear someone
have some fun in this house.
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
That just seemed to fly
off the wall all by itself.
Oh, well.
Probably nothing.
Auf Wiedersehen!
(buzzer sounds)
Klaus, you made
me lose my turn!
Sorry, Steve.
I just wanted to say
I'm off to Atlantic City
for a weekend
of motivational workshops
by Deepak Chopra, Phil Jackson,
and George Bush.
The one-termer, not the hero.
This weekend is going
to change my life.
Bye.
Steve, will you remember
to feed my pet smaller fish?
Yeah, yeah,
I'm on it.
(phone ringing)
Ooh, that's my shuttle.
This guy's got
a broken funny bone.
(with Cockney accent):
Call NBC.
They'll give him
a half hour, they will.
(buzzer sounds)
What the hell?
Steve, I did not
touch the rim.
Yes, you did.
The board buzzed.
I've performed
this very operation
far drunker
and on real people!
Something else made
the buzzer go off.
You know, this isn't
the first strange occurrence
in the house lately.
I think this may be the work
of... a ghost.
Roger, that is the lamest excuse
ever to get an extra turn.
I'm serious, Steve.
Things in this house have had
a mind of their own, and...
and I've felt a dark presence
when nobody's there.
And, yes,
I would like another turn.
(scoffs)
There's no such
thing as ghosts.
Then how do you explain...
that?
Oh, my God!
I know. Outside
of the commercials,
that's the first time
I've ever seen that game work.
Here we are, sir.
Oh, what a wonderful room.
Just set me down on the bed.
Ooh, these sheets feel
so good against my bowl.
And could you please put the "Do
not disturb" sign on the door?
Of course, sir.
And if you need anything at all,
my name is Benji.
Thanks, Benji.
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon,
located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes
Roppongi, a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
And if you're looking
to get your funny bone tickled,
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
The bond matures.
(laughs)
Absolutely incredible!
And if it's nightlife
you're after...
Ow! My lower lumbar!
...dance the night away
at our exclusive club...
(groans, gasps)
...Entrancia.
Aah! Damn it!
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon
located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes
Roppongi, a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
Stay calm, Klaus.
The maid will be here soon.
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled...
She'll get you your back pills,
and you'll be good to go.
...don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
RUDNER:
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
Roger, we've set up cameras
in every room in the house,
and the only strange activity
we've seen
is stuff we already
know about.
Like how Dad pretends he's a
mummy when he's on the toilet.
(toilet flushes)
Also, we know Francine
is way too interested
in Hayley's sex life.
(both moaning)
Is she eating mozzarella
like it's an apple?
Look, Roger, I admit
something may have been here,
but it's gone now.
3:40. No sign
of the ghost.
Really have to pee, but
don't want to miss anything.
Shut your stupid face. Look.
In the basement.
The washing machine.
It's turning on by itself.
(creaking, rhythmic rumbling)
It... looks like... Mom!
(screaming)
(both screaming)
Hey, guys.
(both screaming)
(screaming)
3:43. Just peed myself.
Asparagus.
Oh. What did you
wake me up for?
I was having a dream I
owned a collectibles shop.
Was haggling with a kid
about a Grimace glass.
Now, Dad,
prepare yourself.
Roger and I found proof
the house is... haunted.
Haunted?! Pl-ease.
As if a pizza guy
has ever been murdered here
and buried under the foundation.
(laughs, sighs)
But nobody's gone
to the cops, right?
What? Stan, no.
I don't know how it's possible,
but this ghost is real,
and it looks just like me!
Well, maybe
20 pounds ago.
Dad, check out
this footage
from the basement.
(screaming)
(yells)
That was scary!
But-but fun scary.
It's fun to be scared, huh?
This is phenomenal special
effects work, Steve.
No, it's real.
(eerie whooshing)
It is a ghost.
And it's beautiful.
Whoa, it's chosen me.
It's chosen me.
Ow! That really hurt,
beautiful specter.
This is freaking
my deeky out.
All right,
that's it.
I'm texting the one person
who can help.
(doorbell rings)
Greetings.
My name is Ruby Zeldastein.
I'm a medium to the other side,
and I make a hell
of a shoofly pie.
Are we really
gonna do this?
Do yohave
a medium character?
(inhales deeply through nose)
Oh, there is a presence here.
A very bitter presence.
Full of resentment.
(woman screaming)
(wind whistling)
FRANCINE'S VOICE (distorted):
You're mine now!
(Mauricio yells)
Mauricio!
(items clattering)
Is anyone else still seeing his
junk when they close their eyes?
Yup.
Yup.
What the hell was that thing
that took Mauricio?!
Darling, that
was a spirit.
Your spirit.
I'm dead?
Maybe that's why
my nails have stopped growing.
Oh, wait.
There they go.
Not all hauntings are caused
by the dead, child.
Sometimes they're caused
by emotions.
Feelings kept locked away
so long
that they manifest themselves
as a malevolent force.
So it is a
poltergeist.
Not quite.
The entity in
this house was
born specifically
out of Francine's
sexual frustration.
I like to call it
a "poltergasm."
What are you
doing?
I just drew a trademark
sign with my finger, child,
because I've registered
the word "poltergasm."
Any movie scripts you write
based on your experiences here,
Ruby gets a slice.
This is preposterous!
I took Francine to Satisfaction
Avenue just last night.
Oh, I doubt that.
Now, sweetie,
try to remember.
When was the last time
your husband satisfied you?
Well, like Stan said,
last night.
Do you know that to be the
only and absolute truth?
And therefore the
Christian truth?
Well... sort of.
It's more like...
Satisfaction Avenue...
adjacent.
Adjacent?!
But when we have sex, you
look just like Meg Ryan
in that scene from
When Harry Met Sally
when... she...
fakes... it.
Oh, my God, I
love that movie.
Mom, this
makes sense.
The way you look
at Mauricio and me?
You are clearly jealous
and repressed.
Yes, this foul
spirit was born
of a lie and
nurtured by
repression.
Think back.
When did it
all begin?
I guess a couple years ago
when we went to that Sandals
resort for our anniversary.
STAN:
Oh, my God,
that was the best sex ever!
Awesome as usual, right?
Be honest.
You got there, didn't you?
Well, actually...
I have really gotten this down
to a science.
I get in, I do what I need
to do, and I get the hell out.
How great was it for you?
So great, right?
It was, Stan.
I-It was the best. Ever.
It was...
fabulous.
(thunder crashing)
(gasps)
God's clapping for me.
You've been faking
it for two years?
(chuckles)
Stan,
just because a jack-in-the-box
doesn't pop out
doesn't mean I don't enjoy
you cranking the handle.
Don't touch me. I
don't satisfy anymore.
I'm the opposite
of Snickers!
I'm sorry I'm not packed
with peanuts, Francine!
(Stan crying)
All this talk about satisfying's
getting my girdle all gooey.
I think
I'm wearing it wrong.
ANNOUNCER:
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled,
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
RUDNER AND KLAUS:
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
The bond matures.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Absolutely incredible!
Absolutely incredible.
ANNOUNCER:
And if it's nightlife
you're after,
dance the night away at
our exclusive club, Entrancia.
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffett's Key West Saloon
located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes Roppongi,
(inhales deeply)
a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
(back cracks, Klaus screams)
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled,
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
RUDNER AND KLAUS:
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
The bond matures.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Absolutely incredible!
Absolutely incredible.
Benji!
Mauricio, be strong!
Just follow the rope
into the light!
You did it!
I'm a-free!
Mauricio, no!
This problem is far worse
than I first sensed.
Your mother's poltergasm--
trademarked--
has got Mauricio in its claws
like that claw game at arcades,
except, you know,
if the claw was strong
and didn't drop things.
So pretty much not
that claw game.
Ruby, what...
A-Are you saying
there's no way
to get Mauricio back?
I'm sorry, child, but this
spirit is not gonna be satisfied
until your mother is.
And since your father
isn't up to the task,
I'm not sure who is.
STEVE:
Well...
Ah...
Oh, no. Gross.
I just need a new belt.
I just don't get it.
I did everything right.
I can't help but feel
this is her fault.
Dad, you have
to snap out of it.
You got to get Mom
where she needs to get to.
I can't, Hayley. I
don't know what to do.
If only there was some sort
of kindly robot or magic wand
that could pleasure my wife.
But we live
in the real world.
Dad, look around you.
The ghost is getting stronger.
You have
to satisfy Mom.
You're right.
But I clearly don't know
what I'm doing anymore.
You just need
to get some help.
A book
or the Internet...
Or an oversexed hippie who
just happens to be my daughter.
Hayley, you are
gonna be my sex coach.
Well, that really backfired
on me, didn't it?
Okay, Dad, we're running
out of time.
Tonight's the night
you have to please Mom,
and we're gonna help.
All right, let's do this.
What's my name?
What are we talking about?
All right, let's do this.
Ruby and I will fix up
your bedroom
to look just like
your anniversary suite.
By re-creating the night
the poltergasm was born
but changing the
outcome, it will expel
the foul horny spirit
from this family.
Nobody's questioning that
and we're moving on.
I call tonight the Sexorcism.
Now, that's really trademarked,
because I found out
that somebody else already
had "poltergasm" trademarked
and now I'm in hot water.
Let's start
your training, Dad.
First things first, what
do you do before sex?
What do you mean?
Before sex I'm at work.
(whistles)
(John Cafferty's
"Hearts on Fire" playing)
(dinging)
This looks just like
our anniversary suite.
It even smells like it.
This beach-scented candle
from CVS
is guaranteed to grease the beef
or your money back.
But I stole this one,
so don't try to return it.
You guys have
done a great job.
I just don't know if
I can pull this off.
Dad, just remember
what you learned today
and everything will be fine.
FRANCINE:
Hi, Stan.
(studio audience whooping)
ANNOUNCER:
American Dad is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Yeah, Stan!
I don't want that cup.
Why would I want a non-mint
condition Grimace cup?
Your selection
is shoddy.
Wake up, children.
Look around you.
Everything's back
to normal.
I just acted so heterosexual
that I needed something phallic
in my mouth to even things out.
I just knew my Stan the Man
would take me there.
Way to go, Dad!
(cheering)
If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go downstairs
and work on my skateboard.
I think today I just
might finish it.
Wait a minute.
If Dad did the job, then...
where's Mauricio?
(thunder crashes)
(cracking, creaking)
(shouts)
What do you want
from me?!
You got your big "O"!
No... "O"...!
Come on! Let's get out of here!
(grunting)
It won't budge!
The kitchen door!
Let's go!
We're trapped!
(screaming)
Boo.
The Halloween
decorations!
Devil Austin Powers!
Happy Halloween, baby.
(chuckles)
(thunder crashing)
The walls!
They're closing in!
And the house is sinking, too!
It's a twofer!
It's a terrible twofer!
You lied! I shook
the headboard
but I couldn't
curl your toes!
I'm sorry!
POLTERGASM:
No one shall find release
until I do!
Dad, what did
you do wrong?!
I don't know!
Probably everything!
Well, you're gonna have to
give it one more money shot!
It's our only hope!
(moans)
I can't perform
under these conditions!
(Roger shouts)
(Stan grunts)
I'm not going out like this!
This is Mexican Tar Viagra!
Now down it!
(grunts, groans)
They taste terrible.
That's 'cause
they're suppositories.
Okay, honey.
Let's do this.
I need to get you there,
and we're running out of time.
I'm sorry, Stan.
This isn't working.
And if we're really
gonna die,
can we at least
just take things slow?
What do you mean?
Oh, Stan,
don't you remember?
We used to take
all night long.
You used to kiss my neck.
Really? Why?
Because it was never
about finishing the race;
it was about running it.
But somewhere along the way--
I don't know--
you just started treating
our sex like it was...
another one
of your missions.
Oh, my God. You're right.
I do do that.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
Just... kiss my neck.
(rumbling stops)
It's working!
I just remembered I also used
to blow in your ear!
(blows air)
Oh, Stan.
That really turns me on.
(blows air)
Francine, why didn't you tell
me you were so unsatisfied?
I don't know!
I guess I was afraid
of hurting your feelings.
Now lick my neck
and tell me I'm your favorite
horse in the stable!
You're my favorite horse
on the whole frontier.
(neighs, pants)
Now talk like you're
the Monopoly guy!
(à la Thurston Howell):
Oh, you freak.
You lovable freak.
Keep telling
me what to do.
I didn't say Thurston Howell!
I said the Monopoly guy!
(kissing sounds)
(Francine screams)
(Francine yodeling)
(bell rings)
MAURICIO:
I'm a-free!
Bull's-eye.
(door creaks)
This house... is clean.
But as for those sheets...
babadababadababadababada-
babadababada-
babadababada-
babadababadababadababada...
Oh, Klaus, I heard you were
in Atlantic City.
Did you try
that new restaurant Roppongi?
I didn't go there
to eat.
I went there
to improve myself.
Which I did do.
Oh, yeah? In what way?
I'm just better,
okay?!
Klaus, chill out.
We're all happy for you.
Well, it doesn't sound
like that.
Geez, you guys need to be more
like a government bond...
and mature.
(chuckles)
Klaus, that's pretty funny.
Did you just think of that?
I've been thinking
about it for a few days.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
¶ Good morning, USA!
¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
¶ Good...
¶ Good morning, USA
Aah!
¶ Good morning, USA!
("The Star-Spangled Banner"
playing)
(music stops)
Ah, Frankie Scott Key.
You're the white man's
Marvin Gaye.
Amazing sex, Francine.
Yup, you completely
reduced my swelling.
And how was it
for you, Francine?
It was great, right?
Wasn't it so great?
As always, Stan.
It was... fabulous.
Just fabulous.
Couldn't have chosen
a better word.
It wafantastic.
Just think. For 20 years,
I've been taking you
to Satisfaction Avenue.
You know, that's where you...
get off.
And then wait for the next bus,
which comes right on schedule,
every 96 hours.
Uh, yup, that's
my stop, baby.
(electrical buzzing
and popping)
Oh, there go the
lights again.
I'll check
the fuse box.
(match striking)
Whoa, where'd you get
that old candelabra?
Oh, I keep it
under the bed.
Next to the
flashlight.
(woman giggling)
(man and woman laughing)
(woman laughing)
(both moaning)
(moaning)
(moaning)
(shrieks) Mom,
what are you doing?!
Oh, my, Hayley, who's your
swarthy, chiseled friend?
Mom, this is
Mauricio.
We are benefits.
Benefits?
Uh, he means we're friends with
benefits, but we're not friends.
Well, then, just
pretend I'm not here.
All right,
Mom. Creepy.
Come on, Mauricio,
let's go upstairs.
Please. Save your legs
for spasming.
We'll try to keep it down.
(both moaning)
Or don't.
(moaning continues)
It'd be nice to hear someone
have some fun in this house.
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
That just seemed to fly
off the wall all by itself.
Oh, well.
Probably nothing.
Auf Wiedersehen!
(buzzer sounds)
Klaus, you made
me lose my turn!
Sorry, Steve.
I just wanted to say
I'm off to Atlantic City
for a weekend
of motivational workshops
by Deepak Chopra, Phil Jackson,
and George Bush.
The one-termer, not the hero.
This weekend is going
to change my life.
Bye.
Steve, will you remember
to feed my pet smaller fish?
Yeah, yeah,
I'm on it.
(phone ringing)
Ooh, that's my shuttle.
This guy's got
a broken funny bone.
(with Cockney accent):
Call NBC.
They'll give him
a half hour, they will.
(buzzer sounds)
What the hell?
Steve, I did not
touch the rim.
Yes, you did.
The board buzzed.
I've performed
this very operation
far drunker
and on real people!
Something else made
the buzzer go off.
You know, this isn't
the first strange occurrence
in the house lately.
I think this may be the work
of... a ghost.
Roger, that is the lamest excuse
ever to get an extra turn.
I'm serious, Steve.
Things in this house have had
a mind of their own, and...
and I've felt a dark presence
when nobody's there.
And, yes,
I would like another turn.
(scoffs)
There's no such
thing as ghosts.
Then how do you explain...
that?
Oh, my God!
I know. Outside
of the commercials,
that's the first time
I've ever seen that game work.
Here we are, sir.
Oh, what a wonderful room.
Just set me down on the bed.
Ooh, these sheets feel
so good against my bowl.
And could you please put the "Do
not disturb" sign on the door?
Of course, sir.
And if you need anything at all,
my name is Benji.
Thanks, Benji.
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon,
located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes
Roppongi, a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
And if you're looking
to get your funny bone tickled,
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
The bond matures.
(laughs)
Absolutely incredible!
And if it's nightlife
you're after...
Ow! My lower lumbar!
...dance the night away
at our exclusive club...
(groans, gasps)
...Entrancia.
Aah! Damn it!
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon
located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes
Roppongi, a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
Stay calm, Klaus.
The maid will be here soon.
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled...
She'll get you your back pills,
and you'll be good to go.
...don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
RUDNER:
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
Roger, we've set up cameras
in every room in the house,
and the only strange activity
we've seen
is stuff we already
know about.
Like how Dad pretends he's a
mummy when he's on the toilet.
(toilet flushes)
Also, we know Francine
is way too interested
in Hayley's sex life.
(both moaning)
Is she eating mozzarella
like it's an apple?
Look, Roger, I admit
something may have been here,
but it's gone now.
3:40. No sign
of the ghost.
Really have to pee, but
don't want to miss anything.
Shut your stupid face. Look.
In the basement.
The washing machine.
It's turning on by itself.
(creaking, rhythmic rumbling)
It... looks like... Mom!
(screaming)
(both screaming)
Hey, guys.
(both screaming)
(screaming)
3:43. Just peed myself.
Asparagus.
Oh. What did you
wake me up for?
I was having a dream I
owned a collectibles shop.
Was haggling with a kid
about a Grimace glass.
Now, Dad,
prepare yourself.
Roger and I found proof
the house is... haunted.
Haunted?! Pl-ease.
As if a pizza guy
has ever been murdered here
and buried under the foundation.
(laughs, sighs)
But nobody's gone
to the cops, right?
What? Stan, no.
I don't know how it's possible,
but this ghost is real,
and it looks just like me!
Well, maybe
20 pounds ago.
Dad, check out
this footage
from the basement.
(screaming)
(yells)
That was scary!
But-but fun scary.
It's fun to be scared, huh?
This is phenomenal special
effects work, Steve.
No, it's real.
(eerie whooshing)
It is a ghost.
And it's beautiful.
Whoa, it's chosen me.
It's chosen me.
Ow! That really hurt,
beautiful specter.
This is freaking
my deeky out.
All right,
that's it.
I'm texting the one person
who can help.
(doorbell rings)
Greetings.
My name is Ruby Zeldastein.
I'm a medium to the other side,
and I make a hell
of a shoofly pie.
Are we really
gonna do this?
Do yohave
a medium character?
(inhales deeply through nose)
Oh, there is a presence here.
A very bitter presence.
Full of resentment.
(woman screaming)
(wind whistling)
FRANCINE'S VOICE (distorted):
You're mine now!
(Mauricio yells)
Mauricio!
(items clattering)
Is anyone else still seeing his
junk when they close their eyes?
Yup.
Yup.
What the hell was that thing
that took Mauricio?!
Darling, that
was a spirit.
Your spirit.
I'm dead?
Maybe that's why
my nails have stopped growing.
Oh, wait.
There they go.
Not all hauntings are caused
by the dead, child.
Sometimes they're caused
by emotions.
Feelings kept locked away
so long
that they manifest themselves
as a malevolent force.
So it is a
poltergeist.
Not quite.
The entity in
this house was
born specifically
out of Francine's
sexual frustration.
I like to call it
a "poltergasm."
What are you
doing?
I just drew a trademark
sign with my finger, child,
because I've registered
the word "poltergasm."
Any movie scripts you write
based on your experiences here,
Ruby gets a slice.
This is preposterous!
I took Francine to Satisfaction
Avenue just last night.
Oh, I doubt that.
Now, sweetie,
try to remember.
When was the last time
your husband satisfied you?
Well, like Stan said,
last night.
Do you know that to be the
only and absolute truth?
And therefore the
Christian truth?
Well... sort of.
It's more like...
Satisfaction Avenue...
adjacent.
Adjacent?!
But when we have sex, you
look just like Meg Ryan
in that scene from
When Harry Met Sally
when... she...
fakes... it.
Oh, my God, I
love that movie.
Mom, this
makes sense.
The way you look
at Mauricio and me?
You are clearly jealous
and repressed.
Yes, this foul
spirit was born
of a lie and
nurtured by
repression.
Think back.
When did it
all begin?
I guess a couple years ago
when we went to that Sandals
resort for our anniversary.
STAN:
Oh, my God,
that was the best sex ever!
Awesome as usual, right?
Be honest.
You got there, didn't you?
Well, actually...
I have really gotten this down
to a science.
I get in, I do what I need
to do, and I get the hell out.
How great was it for you?
So great, right?
It was, Stan.
I-It was the best. Ever.
It was...
fabulous.
(thunder crashing)
(gasps)
God's clapping for me.
You've been faking
it for two years?
(chuckles)
Stan,
just because a jack-in-the-box
doesn't pop out
doesn't mean I don't enjoy
you cranking the handle.
Don't touch me. I
don't satisfy anymore.
I'm the opposite
of Snickers!
I'm sorry I'm not packed
with peanuts, Francine!
(Stan crying)
All this talk about satisfying's
getting my girdle all gooey.
I think
I'm wearing it wrong.
ANNOUNCER:
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled,
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
RUDNER AND KLAUS:
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
The bond matures.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Absolutely incredible!
Absolutely incredible.
ANNOUNCER:
And if it's nightlife
you're after,
dance the night away at
our exclusive club, Entrancia.
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffett's Key West Saloon
located downstairs in the lobby.
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes Roppongi,
(inhales deeply)
a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
(back cracks, Klaus screams)
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled,
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
RUDNER AND KLAUS:
Do you know the difference
between a government bond
and a man?
The bond matures.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Absolutely incredible!
Absolutely incredible.
Benji!
Mauricio, be strong!
Just follow the rope
into the light!
You did it!
I'm a-free!
Mauricio, no!
This problem is far worse
than I first sensed.
Your mother's poltergasm--
trademarked--
has got Mauricio in its claws
like that claw game at arcades,
except, you know,
if the claw was strong
and didn't drop things.
So pretty much not
that claw game.
Ruby, what...
A-Are you saying
there's no way
to get Mauricio back?
I'm sorry, child, but this
spirit is not gonna be satisfied
until your mother is.
And since your father
isn't up to the task,
I'm not sure who is.
STEVE:
Well...
Ah...
Oh, no. Gross.
I just need a new belt.
I just don't get it.
I did everything right.
I can't help but feel
this is her fault.
Dad, you have
to snap out of it.
You got to get Mom
where she needs to get to.
I can't, Hayley. I
don't know what to do.
If only there was some sort
of kindly robot or magic wand
that could pleasure my wife.
But we live
in the real world.
Dad, look around you.
The ghost is getting stronger.
You have
to satisfy Mom.
You're right.
But I clearly don't know
what I'm doing anymore.
You just need
to get some help.
A book
or the Internet...
Or an oversexed hippie who
just happens to be my daughter.
Hayley, you are
gonna be my sex coach.
Well, that really backfired
on me, didn't it?
Okay, Dad, we're running
out of time.
Tonight's the night
you have to please Mom,
and we're gonna help.
All right, let's do this.
What's my name?
What are we talking about?
All right, let's do this.
Ruby and I will fix up
your bedroom
to look just like
your anniversary suite.
By re-creating the night
the poltergasm was born
but changing the
outcome, it will expel
the foul horny spirit
from this family.
Nobody's questioning that
and we're moving on.
I call tonight the Sexorcism.
Now, that's really trademarked,
because I found out
that somebody else already
had "poltergasm" trademarked
and now I'm in hot water.
Let's start
your training, Dad.
First things first, what
do you do before sex?
What do you mean?
Before sex I'm at work.
(whistles)
(John Cafferty's
"Hearts on Fire" playing)
(dinging)
This looks just like
our anniversary suite.
It even smells like it.
This beach-scented candle
from CVS
is guaranteed to grease the beef
or your money back.
But I stole this one,
so don't try to return it.
You guys have
done a great job.
I just don't know if
I can pull this off.
Dad, just remember
what you learned today
and everything will be fine.
FRANCINE:
Hi, Stan.
(studio audience whooping)
ANNOUNCER:
American Dad is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Yeah, Stan!
I don't want that cup.
Why would I want a non-mint
condition Grimace cup?
Your selection
is shoddy.
Wake up, children.
Look around you.
Everything's back
to normal.
I just acted so heterosexual
that I needed something phallic
in my mouth to even things out.
I just knew my Stan the Man
would take me there.
Way to go, Dad!
(cheering)
If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go downstairs
and work on my skateboard.
I think today I just
might finish it.
Wait a minute.
If Dad did the job, then...
where's Mauricio?
(thunder crashes)
(cracking, creaking)
(shouts)
What do you want
from me?!
You got your big "O"!
No... "O"...!
Come on! Let's get out of here!
(grunting)
It won't budge!
The kitchen door!
Let's go!
We're trapped!
(screaming)
Boo.
The Halloween
decorations!
Devil Austin Powers!
Happy Halloween, baby.
(chuckles)
(thunder crashing)
The walls!
They're closing in!
And the house is sinking, too!
It's a twofer!
It's a terrible twofer!
You lied! I shook
the headboard
but I couldn't
curl your toes!
I'm sorry!
POLTERGASM:
No one shall find release
until I do!
Dad, what did
you do wrong?!
I don't know!
Probably everything!
Well, you're gonna have to
give it one more money shot!
It's our only hope!
(moans)
I can't perform
under these conditions!
(Roger shouts)
(Stan grunts)
I'm not going out like this!
This is Mexican Tar Viagra!
Now down it!
(grunts, groans)
They taste terrible.
That's 'cause
they're suppositories.
Okay, honey.
Let's do this.
I need to get you there,
and we're running out of time.
I'm sorry, Stan.
This isn't working.
And if we're really
gonna die,
can we at least
just take things slow?
What do you mean?
Oh, Stan,
don't you remember?
We used to take
all night long.
You used to kiss my neck.
Really? Why?
Because it was never
about finishing the race;
it was about running it.
But somewhere along the way--
I don't know--
you just started treating
our sex like it was...
another one
of your missions.
Oh, my God. You're right.
I do do that.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
Just... kiss my neck.
(rumbling stops)
It's working!
I just remembered I also used
to blow in your ear!
(blows air)
Oh, Stan.
That really turns me on.
(blows air)
Francine, why didn't you tell
me you were so unsatisfied?
I don't know!
I guess I was afraid
of hurting your feelings.
Now lick my neck
and tell me I'm your favorite
horse in the stable!
You're my favorite horse
on the whole frontier.
(neighs, pants)
Now talk like you're
the Monopoly guy!
(à la Thurston Howell):
Oh, you freak.
You lovable freak.
Keep telling
me what to do.
I didn't say Thurston Howell!
I said the Monopoly guy!
(kissing sounds)
(Francine screams)
(Francine yodeling)
(bell rings)
MAURICIO:
I'm a-free!
Bull's-eye.
(door creaks)
This house... is clean.
But as for those sheets...
babadababadababadababada-
babadababada-
babadababada-
babadababadababadababada...
Oh, Klaus, I heard you were
in Atlantic City.
Did you try
that new restaurant Roppongi?
I didn't go there
to eat.
I went there
to improve myself.
Which I did do.
Oh, yeah? In what way?
I'm just better,
okay?!
Klaus, chill out.
We're all happy for you.
Well, it doesn't sound
like that.
Geez, you guys need to be more
like a government bond...
and mature.
(chuckles)
Klaus, that's pretty funny.
Did you just think of that?
I've been thinking
about it for a few days.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.