American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 19 - Da Flippity Flop - full transcript

(upbeat march plays)

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

According to my measurements,

it's super cold out here.

What did you find?



I don't know,

but I'm filled with
professional curiosity.

(chuckles) You've been that way
ever since science school.

God, I wonder what it is.

God, quit it, Francine.

Don't spray that crap near me;
it's poison.

But it's lemon scented.

It's got vitamin-C.

Let me explain something
to you, babe.

This body is a temple.

No, better than that:
it's a church.

I keep this baby
in pristine condition,

like a classic car.

I thought it was a church.



Vroom-vroom. Vroom-vroom.

This is a 1968
American-made man.

Top of the line.

Gorgeous, ain't he?

All original parts.

I even still have my baby teeth.

(baby cooing)

Oh, mein Gott!

Speaking of bodies,
they found mine!

Your old human body?

I've been waiting
for this news for years.

You see, I used to be
an Olympic...

Hold on, Klaus.

I'm recalling how Klaus

was an Olympic skier for
East Germany in the '80s.

Oh, yeah.

I'm recalling
how the CIA kidnapped him

and switched his mind
with a goldfish.

I was about to unveil
a new ski jump technique:

Da Flippity Flop.

Twice the distance,
four times the risk.

I showed it to a ski buddy,
who tried it himself.

(crowd gasps)

Hey... hey, it says here

the CIA has taken custody
of my body.

I want to ski jump again.

Soaring through the air,

I've never been so happy,
so alive.

Stan, please put me back
in my body!

Nah, sounds like a hassle.

A hassle?!

But this is my chance
to be myself again.

Stan, come on, let Klaus
have his body back.

What for?

You've got it made in that bowl.

All you have to do is
float around all day,

eat and poo wherever you want.

Your whole life is like the last
20 years of Orson Welles' life.

You suck, Stan!

I'd rather be dead than live
like a goldfish anymore!

Someone hand me
that DustBuster.

(gasps)

This thing is never charged.

(Klaus sobbing)

Auf wiedersehen,

cruelich-wurldenplace.

Hey, Klaus!

What up?

Roger, what the hell is...

Holy cow, you really do have
a gym up here.

Hey, guy.

Interested in signing up

for a trial membership,
Mr. Potential?

No, I don't want
a gym membership.

Dude, everyone needs a place

to get their sweat on,
am I right?

(laughs)
You know it.

Not to mention the ladies.

Look at those
bouncin' boobers, my man.

My man, they are lovin' you.

So, what would you consider to
be your long-term workout goals?

I've literally never thought
about that in my entire life.

Great answer. Perfect.

Man, I can see you here.

So what do you think,
sign up for a two year?

Uh, I-I don't know.

I'll think about it.

Of course, yeah, look,
I'm not a hard sell guy.

I'm a Christian.

Sign up, don't sign up,
doesn't matter to me.

I just want to make sure
you have every opportunity

to look and feel good.

Uh, okay.

Think it over.

Health is wealth.

Hey, can you spot me?
How much?

I don't know, like 40.

(sighs)

Are you using again, Carl?

(sadly):
Yes.

All right, well,
there's extra in there.

Get me some, too.

Just help Klaus
get his body, Stan.

I don't want to hear
it anymore, Francine.

The only thing I want
to hear right now

is the sweet sound of this
Nickelback CD cracking

as I drive over it repeatedly.

(mechanical whirring, gasps)

(groans)

Stan, Klaus has been trying
to kill himself for over a week.

Please, just put him back
in his body.

Fine.

You mean it? Really?

(laughs)

(grunts, groans)

You guys, come back!

Now I want to live!

This is like something out
of that Alanis Morissette song.

You know, the one with the video
where she looks

even more slightly
above average than usual.

(high-pitched giggling)

Will you shut up?
We're not supposed to be here.

Sorry, I'm just excited.

(dance music playing)

Hey, um, what's going on?

I sent Weitzman
out for burritos

and he came back
with tacos instead.

(chuckles)

Cool.

Hey, I need that Klaus Heisler
body that came in last week.

Oh, sure thing.
It's right here.

(gags)

Uh, what happened
to all the ice?

Yeah, we needed it
for margaritas.

Yech...

(whispering): We're getting these
girls drunk so we can kiss them.

This is all your fault.

If you had just taken me here
last week when I asked you,

I'd be in my body,
but now it's ruined.

I'll never ski jump again.

You completely boned me.

Well, usually you de-bone fish,
so I did good, huh?

(laughs)

KLAUS:
Stan, are you okay?

You have to wake up.

We have to go.

Guten morgen, fish face.

Klaus, you son of a bitch!

You switch us back right...

(grunts)

Oh, God, oh, my God,
I just pooped.

Does it just float here?

Why is my mind telling me
to eat it?

(brakes squeak)

You have not stopped picking
your nose since we left the CIA.

I know, it just feels so good
to have a nose to pick.

And you left me
so much to dig out.

Nasty.

You know you'll never
get away with this.

Oh, yes, I will.

I'm going to enjoy life
once again as a human,

and I am going to enjoy
watching you live as a fish.

Francine and the kids are
never gonna believe you're me.

Oh, I've been watching
you for many years, Stan.

I'm sure I can fool
them for quite a while.

(in American accent):
Hey, I'm Stan Smith.

I love America, and we're
number one no matter what.

(gunshots)
Woo-hoo! Yipee!

Okay, I admit
it's a pretty good impression.

But once I start talking,
they're gonna know...

Hey, Stan.

Hey.

Oh, my God,
Klaus is in Dad's body.

What? No, I'm Stan.

Woo-hoo! Yipee!

Klaus, what did you do?

Where's Stan?

Oh, my God.

Listen, I'm sure
you're pissed...

Pissed?

You're in my husband's body,

and he's in the body
of a goldfish.

(laughing):
That's hilarious.

Totally.
(snorts)

Stan, I know this
may be hard to hear,

but you've been a jerk
to Klaus forever.

You had this coming.

Like hell I did.

And how dare you
betray me like...

Sheesh, if it were only
that easy to shut him up

after seeing The Help.

I get it, Stan,
you want a black maid.

Wait, Klaus, why didn't
you just switch into your body?

'Cause your idiot father
let it sit and rot.

Now it's all gross
and decomposed.

It looks like Cameron Diaz
without her Cameron Diaz mask.

So when are you gonna
switch back?

You obviously can't
stay like that.

Of course, of course.

I just want a couple of
days to enjoy the things

I haven't been able
to do in a while.

(gasps)
Maybe I'll go swimming.

Well, okay, just a couple days.

Don't worry, you'll have
your Stan back soon.

You're never getting
your body back.

Ever.

(sighs)
Oh, my stars, what a day.

(beep)

ELECTRONIC VOICE:
You have new messages.

When did I get
an answering machine?

ROGER:
Hey, Steve, how's it going?

It's Roger over at Roger's Gym.

Just wanted to follow up
on your visit.

Give me a shout when you can.
No presh.

Hope you're well, man.

(beep)
Steve-o!

Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym.

Hey, I was talking
to my manager.

Incredible deal just popped up,
thought of you.

Holla at you, boy!

Call immediately.

(beep)
Steve! It's Rowdy Roddy Piper.

No, I'm just kidding--
it's Roger.

I'm just on a smoothie run,
wanted to see what you wanted.

I'll just grab you
the protein power blend.

Meet you up at the gym
in about 15.

We'll get the sign-up
out of the way.

(horn honking, crashing)

Aah! You clipped me, bro!

Make that 20, bud,
I got clipped.

I'm okay.
Not everybody's okay.

Actually if you could get
the smoothies,

that'd be a big help,
and grab me a bagel, would you?

You clipped me, chief!

(beep)
Hey, Steve.

Hey, I'm at the courthouse.

I'm not supposed
to have my phone.

Three people died
in that accident.

They're saying it's my fault,
but it's total crap.

Anyway, listen, if you could
just stop by the courthouse,

drop off those smoothies,
we could knock out that sign-up.

I got the forms with me.

My manager said he'd throw
in a couple Pilates classes.

I've never seen him do that.

MAN:
Hey, get off the phone!

ROGER:
What'd you say to me?

(beep)
Steve, it's Snot!

Turn on the news, dude.

Someone's going berserk
at the courthouse,

shooting everybody up!

(beep) Steve, it's Rog,
Rog the Dodge Charger.

I'm back at the gym.

Listen, my manager
is freaking out

about this deal
I'm offering you.

I can hold him off
for a couple few. Call me.

(beep)
Steve!

(beep)
Steve-o!

(beep)
S-man!

(beep)
Stefan Urkel!

(beep)
Even Steven!

(beep)
Steve it to Stever!

(beep) Steven, pick
up the (bleep) phone!

(beep)
Hi, calling for Steven Smith?

(beep) (high-pitched):
Hello, Steve,

this is the girl that you like.

No, Klaus, you bastard, stop!

Don't you dare smoke that
with my pretty pink lungs.

I like holding the smoke
in my lungs

until it's completely absorbed
into the cells.

Stop that right now.

I forbid you to damage my body.

It's not your body anymore.

It's mine.

And I'll do what I want with it.

(shudders)

Stop doing that to my body!

What about my body, Stan?

I finally had a chance to get
it back, and you let it rot.

You think smoking is bad?

Let's really take this
body out for a test drive.

♪

♪

Push it, Carl,
you weak piece of ass! Go!

Oh, I hate you so much.

Lift it or I'll plunge my fist
into your sister's...

There you go. Good job.

All right, rest up;
we'll do it again in a minute.

Hey, what up, bro?

Look, Roger, you got
to stop calling me.

I'm not joining your gym.

What?

Look, buddy,
I'm not gonna lie to you.

Things are not going well
for me.

Wife's leaving me,
got lawyer bills stacked up,

nobody's re-racking
their weights.

I need this, Steve, real bad.

Okay, I am ready to go again.

Not now, Carl!

That's Carl, great guy.

Knows a ton about old buildings.

So what do you say, boss?

(sighs)
I'll try a month.

Great, let's get started.

Medicine ball.

(groans)

Yeah, feel that burn.

Good morning, ladies.

Oh, what a night.

We had such fun.

Get away from me!

He violated my body.

He... I did...
horrible things.

I lost several
virginities last night.

Oh, come on, Stan.

Your body looks fine.

He abused me.

He did drugs, he had sex,

he paid a woman to pee
on my body.

Oh, oh, he beat up a cop,

and then somehow,
he paid off the cop,

and then he peed on me, too.

Wait, who peed on you?

Everyone!
Oh, Stan's full of it.

He just wants to get
out of being a fish.

As you can see,
everything's fine.

Liar! Look at
the tattoo he got.

See?

Are those elephant tusks?

Yeah.

See, Stan, I told you
people would get it.

Klaus, what have you done
to his body?

It's not his body
anymore, Franny.

It's mine.

But you said...

I know what I said.

I fibbed.

(gasps)

Give my dad his body back.

Punch in the face.

Stay back!
(gasps)

Well, since the jig is up,

I'm gonna do the one thing
I was destined to do...

break the world ski jump
record with Da Flippity Flop.

Oh, God, that move is suicide.

I can't end up being just
another decapitation on YouTube

for the Arabs to spank it to.

Let's go stop him!

Hey!

Damn it, I can't do anything
as a fish.

Dad, are you sure you don't
want to wait for another body?

There aren't any others.

Now, let's go get my body back.

Stan, I don't think
we have time for this.

Do we?

Stan, I know we have
to stop Klaus,

but can't we roll down
the windows?

Or turn off
the air conditioning?

No, I need it as cold
as possible in here

so I don't decompose
any further.

But Klaus's body smells so bad.

I can't take it.

(sniffs)

Oh, that's better.

I just farted.

Hayley, fart;
it helps.

Here, I'll point
the fan more to me.

Happy?

Yeah, thank...

(choking, gagging)

(vomiting)

How do you even know
where Klaus is going?

Well, there's only
one ski area around

that has one of
those giant ski jumps.

Jump City.

You've seen the commercials.

(rock music playing)

Jump City!

No, I don't think so.

Jump City!

Whatever, that's
where we're going.

Do you see Klaus anywhere?

Oh, my God, look at that jump.

There he is!

Ahh, this line blows.

Hey, let's go up as singles.

No way, I always end up sitting
next to some total weirdo.

Come on, I swear,
you'll meet someone cool.

(sighs)
All right.

Guten tag!

I'm going skiing.

(sighs)

Hi, guys, sorry about that.

Hey, Klaus, it's me!

Don't do the jump.

Oh, God, he's in my old body.

Piss off, Stan!

I'm doing this!

What are you looking at?

That guy has my body.

See, this is his old body.

Then the CIA made him a fish,

and then he stole my body.

You were right, man!

Sorry.

You know,
I was reluctant at first,

but I'm actually kind
of excited,

excited about building
a better Steve.

And it couldn't be
more convenient.

Well, I'm almost there,
so I should hop.

No cell phones allowed
in the gym.

Thanks for not hanging up
when I dialed you by accident,

Dame Judi Dench.

(dial tone)

Where you been?
You so late.

You take "bicyc-quow,"
make delivery.

What are you talking about?

Bicyc-quow.

What happened to the gym?

Oh, Chinese restaurant
much more profitable.

But I paid
for a month membership.

I want my money back.

Oh, so sorry.

You don't read fine print
on contract.

"In event gym turn
to Chinese restaurant,

you bicyc-quow delivery boy."

I'm not delivering
your Chinese food on a bicycle.

A what?
A bicycle.

A bicyc-quow.

You ride bicyc-quow!
(sighs)

(rock music playing)

Klaus, stop!

No way, Stan.

I'm never going back
in that bowl.

But you could kill yourself.

In my body.

And what a way to go!

The speed,
the wind in your face,

and the flying.

(laughing):
Oh, the flying.

There's nothing else like it
in the world.

Don't even try it, Klaus.

Enough!

(both screaming)

My leg is broken!

Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Whoo!

(screaming)

Stan, you can make it!

Listen to my body.

It knows what to do.

I'm... doing it.

Whoa, whoa, what's going on?

Da Flippity Flop.

Da Flippity Flop, it works!

Oh, my God,

it is like flying.

(quietly):
Jump City.

This must be
what angels feel li...

(cracking, crunching)

Hey, hey, congrats, man.

That's got to be a world record.

(gurgling)

You're not going anywhere.

Punch in the face.

You think we should've gone
with them to the CIA

to make sure there wasn't
another mix-up?

Why don't you go to the CIA.

You're the one with no job.

Hey, we're home.

Oh, thank God.

Hold it, honey, no hugging yet.

I'm still pretty sensitive

after having all
those tattoos removed.

But I'm not mad.

These last few days
of living like a fish

have given me a new appreciation
for you, Klaus.

You used to fly,

and now you're trapped
in a bowl.

Your life is harder
than I ever imagined.

I am truly sorry I didn't give
you more respect

through the years,

and I vow to find you a new body

so you can be human again.

Thank you, Stan.

That's all I ever wanted.

When do you think it will happen?
Probably never, buddy.