American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - Adventures in Hayleysitting - full transcript

Go, Lindsay!
Take it, Lindsay!

God, I love you, Lindsay!

Somebody lower the godforsaken ringer!

Hello?

God.

No.

So awful.

All right, where was I?

"Truth or Dare":
Somebody ask me a truth.

Nothing about crushes,
I get embarrassed.

What was that call?



Lindsay, the babysitter, broke her leg.

She has to cancel.
Man.

I was really looking forward
to our big date tonight.

It was gonna be perfect.

Tickets to Cavalia,

the greatest horse show on Earth.

God.

Nothing turns me on

like horses and
horse-related theater.

It gets me going, too.

That's why I got us a room afterwards

at the DC Sheraton, for nasty hotel sex.

A junior suite.

Welp, if you guys cancel,
you're out 200 bucks.



What?!
I was gonna surprise you.

I hired Roger to drive us

to the show
in a horse-drawn carriage.

Taking horses to watch horses?

How bad does this girl want it?

Damn it!

If Lindsay can't babysit,
we got to reschedule.

I'll watch Steve.

Why is that funny?

Why is Mike & Molly funny?
'Cause they're fat.

And this is funny
'cause you're irresponsible.

I'm not irresponsible.

You're one chore
is to clean Klaus's bowl.

How am I supposed to eat
my cereal out of this?

Come on, how hard is it to watch Steve?

He doesn't even know how
to get in trouble.

He's a dweeb.

I'm not a dweeb.

I-I'm a wild one.

Just the other day,
I was holding a hot dog

as if it were a cigar.

A cigar!

Wait!

We can't reschedule.

This is Cavalia's last weekend.

Stakes.
Conference.

Hayley, it is with many, many,
many, many reservations

that we say this, but you'll be
babysitting Steve tonight.

You guys have nothing to worry about.

And if this goes well,

maybe you can look after
my baby next week.

I found him in a hospital.

You look so gorgeous!

You look like that little slut
from Tangled.

Man, am I gonna give it to you tonight.

Yeah, you are.

Right after we watch horses together.

Yes.

yeah...

Hayley, did you fill up my car with gas

after you borrowed it?

If you need to go anywhere,

I don't want you driving Steve
in Jeff's sketchy van.

He's precious cargo.

Aww.

No underwear?

What's the point?

Look, I got everything
under control, okay?

Now, go on, get out of here.

Evening, sir.
I'm here for Mr. and Mrs.

"For Display Purposes Only.
This Is Not A Real Cell Phone."

Well, see you tomorrow.

And Hayley...

...if you mess this up,

I will never, ever

trust you again.

Bye, kids!

Hey, babe, want a pot brownie?

No! I'm babysitting.

I'm being responsible.

Good, 'cause I already ate both.

Wait, did I?

You did, bro.

Steve, I'm calling in the pizza.

Steve, did you...

Invite my friends over
without asking? Yeah.

Cook an Italian dinner with only
the freshest ingredients?

You bet.

You called me a dweeb,
said I wasn't wild.

How do you like me now?

So, you made dinner?

That's, that's crazy for you?

Okay, well, try not to get
Mom's apron dirty, wild man.

Damn it, it's true.

I'm not wild.

I don't know what you just said,
but you said it in Asian.

Speaking of Asians, I heard that
Alpha Asian, Vince Chung,

is having a party tonight.

That's it!
We'll go.

That's how we'll be crazy.

How's this for crazy?

You just won the Super Bowl!

It's boiling!

Gonna be a fun night, guys.

Folks, we'll be at Cavalia in no time.

If you're gonna do it back
there, I have a family-size tub

of Kirkland lubricant under the seat.

If you could please pass it forward,

I'll be using it while I watch you.

Thanks, but we're holding off
so we can really explode later.

Of course.
There's a blanket by your feet

if you get chilly on the highway.

The what?
Highway. Hyah!

They're just honking
'cause they're jealous.

Welp, we're heading out.

Hitting the town,
wild-style.

I didn't BM after dinner,

but I'm gonna leave the house anyway,

see what happens.

Caution to the wind.

Okay, Steve, real cute.

Mom and Dad put me in charge,

and you're not going anywhere.

But, you can't...
I said no.

Now, go upstairs
and play with yourselves.

Unbelievable, Hayley.

No, no, Steve, great idea.

Let's go to your room
and play with ourselves.

Are we...

Are we actually gonna do this?

I wish Mom and Dad could've seen that.

Me, too, man.

I think I'm really proving myself.

Me, too, man.

This is gonna sound weird,

but, for the first time in my life,

I feel like a grown woman.

Me, too, man.

Run!

Come on, Jeff!

Nu-uh,
not on my watch!

Son of a bitch!

I was supposed to get gas.

Did you?

Hey, Lindsay.

How you holding up there, champ?

Pretty good, Doc.

No, no, you're not.

The fracture actually triggered

an aggressive staph infection.

In all likelihood,

you're going to lose your leg.

Looks like you, young man,

have a medical problem, too.

W-What-What's that?

You've lost your nose!

Yes, you did.

Babe, slow down!

So Steve snuck out?

It's no big deal.

It is a big deal.

My parents already think I'm a joke.

Don't worry, babe, we'll find him.

Steve!

What?

No, we're looking for Steve.

That's my name.

Babe, I don't know what to do here.

Man, I'm pumped for Vince Chung's party.

Y'all say Vince Chung's party?

They're letting nerds like you in,

y'all must be bringing
some serious liquor.

Yeah, of course we are.

How else would we get in?

Move it!

Hell no! Go on, get!

Roger, I don't...
We got this!

You dick!

That's what you get for
tangling with a Honda.

Every time.

Now how are we gonna get to Cavalia?

I don't know, maybe
we should just go home.

I'm kind of worried about leaving Hayley

in charge, anyway.

No, no, no. You hired me
to get you to Cavalia,

and I'm gonna get you there.

Now, Diamond!

Now, Nanny McPhee!

Welp, only one way home.

Whee!

Damn it, they're not here.

Where would four high school kids go?

Yo, Donnie!
Doing another delivery

to that high school kid's party?

Yeah! This party's very
close and easy to get to.

Just a left on Sycamore
and a right on Sherbourne,

and you're there.

212 Sherbourne.

Did you hear that?

Steve and his friends
are definitely gonna

be at that party.

I guess the only question is:

What are we talking about?

I'm gonna call you, Barry.

I'm gonna hold you to that, Nate!

Okay, so we just need to find

a kind stranger to buy us liquor.

Hey...

uh, you boys need some booze?

I'll get you booze.

But you got to do something for me.

I need you to go
buy me, like, uh, like,

a hundred boxes of Sudafed.

Holy meth-moly!

Of course we'll buy you
medicine for your cold.

Poor thing.

Okay, great, great.
Okay, I'll get the booze,

you get the Suds.

Here's some dough, here's some dough.

Get a receipt.

I get a really good vibe from that guy.

Great vibe!

Well, they're not upstairs.

I don't see Steve
and his friends anywhere.

Sweet, we got away.

Not helping.

God, I need a drink.

Making meth?

Cute lisp.

No, I'm not making a mess,

I'm gonna buy these.

Steve Smith.

You're funny.
I'm Jenny.

Either that or you're a vest thief.

Listen, I got to
biggity-boing-boing-bounce,

but unless I'm reading this wrong,

which usually only happens

with the menu
at a Vietnamese restaurant...

...we should hang soon.

Here, take my "dig-ios."

I got to make some real changes.

Great, great, great.
The receipt in here?

The receipt.

Yeah.

We got booze, bitches!

And a stack of Spanish-language
quinceañera cards?

Wait, who put these in here?

How much longer, Stan?

Cavalia starts in ten minutes.

We've got to be getting close.

Look there, I see the lights.

What the hell?!

Stan, why did you lead us here?

I wasn't leading.
I don't speak horse, Francine.

I'm not Matthew Broderick.

They must've just taken
us back to their home.

Damn it!
They tricked us, Francine.

Don't ever trust a horse, I guess.

We were bound to learn
this lesson someday.

Unfortunately, it was tonight,

when the stakes have never been higher.

No Cavalia, no hotel sex.

This night is ruined.

I'm sorry, honey.

I wanted it to be perfect.

What are they doing?

I think they're performing for us.

Our own private Cavalia.

And who needs a hotel room?

Stan.

Ho, ho, Sam, I'm back, baby.

All right, let's get cooking.

Where the hell's the receipt?!

No! No! No!

Those kids screwed me!

What the hell are you oking at?

Have fun.

Be safe.

Glad you're here.

Someone smells good.

She... she-she
texted me!

This is the best night of my...

Steven Anita Smith!

You're in big trouble, mister.

My God.

You're wasted.

Yeah, I'm wasted.

'Cause I-I, I spent
the whole night looking for you.

Get off me!

It's Dad!

Give it to me.

You're gonna get us both in trouble.

Hey, Pop!

Steve?

What's all that noise?

Me and Hayley are just playing a game

called Black Restaurant.

Sounds fun!

Listen, honey, change of plans...

we're heading home early.

See you in an hour.

Mom and Dad are on their way home!

We got to get back there before they do.

Come on!

Hayley is a terrible babysitter.

Lindsay would've never let

things get this out of control.

How can I play soccer with one leg?

I'm gonna lose my scholarship.

Lindsay, you don't have to
worry about any of that.

I... I don't?

No, because the infection
has spread to your heart.

You'll be dead within 24 hours.

Well, I guess that's
within 24 hours, so...

still a pretty good doctor!

Keep puking, Hayley,

while your 14-year-old brother

drives your stoned husband's van.

Real responsible.

This is all your fault.

Mom and Dad are never
gonna trust me again.

Pull over!

My God.
My God! What do I do?

Just try to act older.

Evening, Officer.

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Probably 'cause I prefer
the feel of a real newspaper.

You're doing great.

Let's go down the list:

Tags expired, too young to drive,

the drunk prostitute next to you
isn't wearing her seat belt.

Hey!

And it reeks of marijuana in here.

That's me; that's mine.

You're doing great.

All right, everybody out of the car.

I'm gonna kill you kids!

What?! Why?!

We had a deal.

You said the receipt

was in the bag.

This is about the receipt?

I can get it!

Jenny!
Hey, it's me, Funny Cutie.

Can I swing by?

It's too late?

Well, can I at least get your address

so I can send you a fruit bouquet?

Those are wonderful.

Hey, beautiful.

W-What the hell is...

Baby, baby, baby, it's your boy, Steve.

Where is it?!

I-I need that receipt
I wrote my number on!

Guys, hey, let me just say
I'm totally sorry, okay?

You know what the thing is?

I'm, like, really OCD
about my accounting,

and I'm on a ton of meth,

so, you know, I'm kind of erratic.

You know, maybe this is
a wake-up call for me.

I got to clean myself up, right?

I should go back to school...

My God, what have I done?

This gun, I've never even
fired it before!

I heard Jennifer scream
and everything went blank,

and I killed a man!

: Who am I
to take a life?!

Am I beast or man?

Beast!

Daddy!

Nooooo!

Geez, get me out of here,

Thank God they're not back yet.

You guys should head home.

So, we're not reporting any of
the murders we saw tonight?

I'm cool with that, I'm just checking.

Whoo! I'm out of gas.

See you all in the morning.

That's a folksy way
to say you're tired,

I like that.

Out of gas.

Mom's car!

I-I can't believe this.

Mom and Dad were right...
I am irresponsible.

I kind of didn't make it
any easier for you.

But the only reason I snuck out

was 'cause you called me a dweeb.

I wanted to prove you wrong.

My God... horses.

They're coming!

We're screwed.

We'll never make it without a miracle.

Goal!

Hey, Mom, hey, Dad...

Finger's up, shut up.

How was she?

You're supposed to ask
the babysitter how the kid was.

Bup-bup-bup!

Steve?

She...

She did great.

Really responsible.

I can't stop!