American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 5 - Why Can't We Be Friends? - full transcript

What the hell is this?

My only possession!

I don't know where to start here.

Look at you two.
Best case scenario:

you're telling me
you're gay with each other.

Gay?

We're about as far
from gay as you can be.

Mr. Smith, if I may?

Air guitar is aerobic,
encourages coordination,

and coaxes a pretty good amount
of laughter out of the two of us

which we all know
is good for the ticker.



Get off my land.

And a good day to you, sir.

He's just walking home in that.

Where's a rock?
I'm gonna throw a rock at him.

Steve, you need to stop
hanging out with that loser.

What? No way!

He's my best friend!

And I'll give you
five solid reasons why.

He's sensible, thoughtful,
political, hilarious,

and he always covers his mouth
when he sneezes.

You get him sick,
he doesn't get you sick.

Steve, I forbid you to see him again.

Now take off those pants
and put on some normal clothes.

Kid's got his mother's ass.



Lucky son of a gun.

Roger, thanks for letting me

clean your place for the extra cash.

No problem.
Here's your 50 bucks, kiddo.

Oh, and here's some old sweatshirts.

And one shoe.

I don't have the other one.

So, I don't know if you still...

Is nice.

I take.

Gimme your money!

Is that the "come back
and kick me" whistle?

What the hell?
I thought I took care of this!

Oh, stop!

This is ridiculous.
This is exactly why

I told Steve to stop hanging out
with that kid.

But, Stan, you can't break them up.

They're best friends.

So?
So...

Didn't you have a best friend
when you were Steve's age?

Oh, my God, you didn't.

Francine, 12-year-old girls
have best friends.

Little boys can only be
best friends with dragons.

If you try and keep
Steve and Snot apart,

they're just going to hang out
behind your back.

Well, then, I'll have to think
of a way to keep them apart.

Those kids love being topless.

That patch of hair

in the small of Snot's back
makes me sick.

Hey, Snot!

Oh, hey, Mr. Smith.

Listen, I was a little harsh

with you and Steve in the garage.

Thought I could make it up to you.

You like ice cream?
I do like ice cream.

Unfortunately, it does not like me.

It gives me the.

You'll power through.

I like coffee ice cream,

but I don't like coffee.

I mean, what do you think?

Could that be a joke for Jerry Seinfeld?

Hey, I gotta hit the head.

Mr. Capelli says hello.

No witnesses.

That guy saw your face!

They're gonna come after you!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You can't go home.
They'll find you there.

We gotta get you into the
CIA witness protection program!

What do you think Stan's gonna
give us for doing this?

I'm hoping a new set of corn holders.

I've almost worn out
the last ones he gave us.

Really?

You love corn.
I do!

But you don't like touching it.

I do not.

"Unknown number?"

Be careful, Steve.
These calls can be dicey.

Let's see if I can... whoo...

...navigate this.

Hello?

Steve, it's me, Snot.

Snot! Unknown number?

W-W-What's going on?

Listen, I have something to tell you.

I moved to Cheyenne.
You moved?!

My mom liked the license plates.

They have a cowboy on them.

But the carnival's this weekend.

We always go to the carnival!

Sorry, Steve.

So when am I gonna see you again?

I don't...

I gotta go.

Good cover, kid.

That crying bit
was top-notch.

What did you think
about to make you cry?

Never seeing Steve again.

You know what I think
about to make me cry?

: How Ron Howard
looks like Clint Howard now.

All right, so if I'm gonna live here

and start a whole new life,

tell me about the neighborhood.

Donuts and jazz, where do I go?

You don't.
You're in hiding.

You never leave this apartment.

If anyone comes to the door,
your name is Sven Norqvist.

Here, put this wig on.

I always wanted blonde hair.

Do I look like Rolf
from The Sound of Music?

Yeah...
I-I don't know, kid.

The fridge is full of food.

I'll be back in a week to check on you.

Don't I need to tell
my mother about this?

Don't worry.
I took care of it.

Hey, Mom.

Shalom. It's me, Snot.

I got into NASA Medical School!

If they have phones on Mars,
I'll call ya!

Bye!

My son, the astronaut doctor!

Just like the psychic painted.

Oh, my God.

What happened to your face, honey?

I got robbed in front of my room.

They stole the 50 bucks you gave me.

Oh, no, that's terrible!

Hey, look at my new bracelet!
It jingles.

For 50 bucks, it better, right?

Thanks for walking me home, Roger.

We're safer in pairs.

Eh. I don't have
time for this.

Oh, Snot.

You were wearing your bathing
suit as underwear that day.

Oh, is that a letter for Snot?
I'll mail it for you.

Thanks. This is my
fifth letter to him.

I hope this time he writes me back.

Doubt it.

Snot's probably moved on with his life

and I think it's time you did, too.

Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.

Dad, I am not a physical boy.

Well, now that Snot's
not here to drag you down,

you can do anything.

Let's see what you can do
with that lacrosse stick.

What are you doing?

Playing lunch lady.
Pizza or sloppy joe?

I am pissed off
because you're doing that,

and now I want a sloppy joe

and I know you don't really have one.

I'm Sven.

It's me!

Here's your groceries.
See you next week.

Mr. Smith, wait!

Want to stay for dinner?

I made a casserole.

I love casserole.

I think they'll go all the way to 17.

17? Ocean's 17?

Look, as long as that gang
likes hanging out together,

they're gonna keep
making those pictures.

I notice you call movies pictures.

I do.
I do do that.

I notice you just said doo doo.

Hilarious.

Steve said you were hilarious,
and that... checks out.

Well, I guess I better be getting home,

You think you're okay to drive?

Now that you mention it,

I did have a couple of
glasses of wine at dinner.

You should crash here.

I mean, if you want.

Sensible.
The boy is sensible.

Not too sensible...

I have crumb cake!

Okay. Ready?

Ready-o!

You still up?

Yeah. You?

I'm not even tired.

Me neither.

Hey, does this building have a pool?

Yeah, on the roof.

We should totally go swimming tomorrow.

Totally.

Oh, I finally took my socks off.

Oh! I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna do that.

That is nice.

How many people do you think
are having sex right now?

In the city or the world?

World.

Probably about 50.

Yeah, I think that, too.

Hey, Stan?

You think when we die,
we come back as something else?

Oh, no, no. No, we
just get one go-round.

One ticket per customer, my friend.

You think interest rates
are gonna go up?

Come on, man.
That's grown-up stuff.

Let's keep it light.

So there's this girl at school,

and she said she'd let me kiss her,

but only on her butt cheek.

Should I do it?

Yeah. Yeah, you should do it.

Good, 'cause I already did.

My pillow is so hot.

Turn it over.

I'm saving it for
right before I fall asleep.

Yeah, that's smart.

You asleep yet?

No.

I can't wait to go swimming tomorrow.

Chicken pot pie?

Chicken pot bye!

Oh, no!
You got robbed again!

And almost raped.

Almost.

Jeff, at least use
that scooter to get home.

Just speed through that
hallway and get home safe.

Okay. Thanks, Roger.

Okay, I'm just gonna wash my hands now.

W-Was this light always here?

Help! Carjacking!

Shredded it!

And now, lacrosse
champion, Steve Smith! Yay!

Steady, steady.

What the hell?!

What's wrong?

Dad never mailed these
letters I wrote to Snot!

Wait. And you said Snot just up
and left town one night?

Yeah...

Come with me.

Here are letters I wrote
that I found in Dad's desk.

See, back in high school
I-I went on a couple of dates

with a black guy, and...
Oh!

Dad didn't like him.

So he had Darnell witness a fake murder,

then made up some bogus
witness protection thing,

and hid him in some apartment
in Lanceton.

And he didn't want me
hanging out with Snot,

so he did the same thing again!

I can't believe it!

I couldn't believe it, either.

And that was three
years ago... so...

I actually couldn't
believe it before you.

Snot!

Steve!

I'm here to save you!

From the Capellis?

No! From my dad!

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, hey, Steve.

Hey, you were right.
Snot's great!

We're totally best friends now.

Hey, Mr. Smith.
Hey, Darnell.

Is it safe for me
to come out of hiding yet?

Nope.

Wait, let me get this straight.

There's no Capellis?

I don't need to be
in witness protection?

All made up... just
to keep us apart

because he didn't like you.

Stan?

Yeah, but, Snot, that
was before I got to know you.

I mean, you're absolutely
amazing, buddy!

What are you doing?
Snot's not your buddy!

He's your kidnap victim, you psycho!

Hey, hey, hey, Steve.

Coming in a little hot.

How are you not furious with him?!

Because he's forgiving, Steve.

If you knew him as well as I do,

you would've included that in your
"five hard facts about Snot."

Plus, you forgot
his one "soft fact."

Squirrels love him.
Isn't that right, Nutsy?

You guys aren't friends!

You're a
14-year-old boy,

and he's a
42-year-old man.

14 and a half.

And I just turned 42.

Besides, he made witness protection fun.

But it was all fake.

So is air guitar, but we love that.

You don't get to talk about air guitar!

I don't need to talk about it!

Guys, guys, I can be friends
with both of you.

All right, then, I'm gonna pack up.

While you do, I'll read
you all the letters

I wrote to you that you never got.

"18 March.

"It's been a fortnight
since our last frolic.

My bosom heaves with the weight
of your absence."

So, what happened while I was gone?

Anybody get pregnant at school?

Yeah, like everybody.

Oh, hey, I got you a little
welcome-home gift.

Carnival tickets, baby!

You!

You know me!

What up, d-bags?

What a coincidence. I didn't
know this was your hang.

Dad, you dropped me off
here ten minutes ago.

Sure did.
What's going on?

Snot and I are going to the carnival.

Cool! I'm in.
I'll drive us.

Sorry, Dad, but
you don't have a ticket.

Oh, I guess this is
the first sold-out carnival

in the history of carnivals.

I'll buy a ticket.

Yell "shotgun" real loud.
Yell "shotgun."

Shotgun? Snot said shotgun!
Snot said shotgun!

Oh, Steve, man, I'm sorry.

Oh, Steve, that sucks!

This is getting ridiculous!

You want me to walk you home again?

It didn't help last time.

Sheesh! Just trying
to help the kid out.

I'm gonna rape him this time.

You know the drill here.

You know... I-I remember a time
when this was a safe hallway.

I left my door unlocked.
Kids played after dark.

I could walk home without being scared.

And I don't want to be scared anymore!

Just shut up and give me...

That's a whoopsie.

Snot, this is amazing!

Yeah! Snot!
Doesn't it remind you

of the time you and I...

Can you believe that ride, Snot?

Oh, my God, my stomach
was all over the place.

The gravity was so strong,
you couldn't even lift your...

...head!
I love this place!

So, what's next, Snotters?
What's on deck?

Well, Steve wanted to take
pictures with the butter cow.

You mean, have sex with the butter cow!

Lame!
Really?

Okay. I'm gonna
go get a hot dog.

You mean have sex with a hot dog!

Winner!

You want another?
I'll win you another.

Please don't.

They're becoming less special.

Steve went home.

I can't believe he left before he
took our photo booth pictures.

We do it every year.

Maybe we should just go.

Go? No, no, w-we'll
take the pictures!

Me and you in a photo booth?
Are you kidding me?

That is happening!

I take picture of machine
taking picture.

Get out.

Okay, we get four pictures,

so we have to do four awesome things.

Okay, what are four awesome things?

Wait, I know what to do.

Yeah, so...

I think I'm gonna go.

What? Don't you want to see
how the pictures came out?

Yeah, I'll see them later.

Thanks for...

you know.

Who are you here for?

Don't you get it?
He's here for you.

It's always been you.

You guys are best friends.

And it was wrong of me to try and take
something that special away from you.

Right? Unless, maybe,
you changed your mind?

No.

I'm here for Steve.

Just go to him already!